Boy-crazy Stacey! Part 1!
Boy, did I have a weird day. First I went to sleep like at 7:30 and woke up at 1am. So, I played around on Sims (and made a happy home for Mal and Pax) until the sun came up. Then I felt like snarking so I got to work, got tired and took a nap where I dreamt of the Goddamn BSC. When I woke up, I was stilll bored so I finished up my snark. And good Lord, this book is dumb. I don't want to say that all blondes are dumb but Stacey kinda forces me to. So, here we are. I got a snark up in a timely manner and now I'm off to watch the Grumps because they're playing God Hand which is a game I desperately want but it's mad expensive. I could buy me a PS4 for the price of one game. Anyways, its long and rant filled so let's go!
-Song of the Day!-
PS Your cats won't like this song!
Let's start with the cover:
Stacey just looks...off. But at least she does look 13 for a change. Also her holding on to Claire makes me realise how fucking small she is and that a 13 year old really shouldn't be picking up a 5 year old. Look at that! They're nearly the same size! I also like how Claire managed to cut the bottom of her foot while wearing shoes. Scott looks way older than 18. He looks like a DILF. I hope those seagulls shit all over all of them. The Pikes house is way huge. That's a fucking hotel, not a beach house. So, even the cover is full of fail. And the insides fair no better. This book hurts.
Chapter 1!
Stacey is getting ready to go to the Brewer/Thomas mansion for a party and she asks Maureen how you behave in a mansion. Maureen tells her to just act normally and I have to wonder why visiting K Ron at the mansion is any different from visiting Laine in her fancy apartment. I'm pretty sure Laine's family is pulling in the Benjamins. Stacey dresses in a-'pink shirt [with] Big, bright green and yellow birds were splashed all over it. […] pair of baggy shorts, looped a wide green belt […] silver bangle bracelets and a pair of silver earrings shaped like bells that actually ring when they dangle back and forth'. The picture of sophistication!
When Stacey gets to K Ron's, Stoneybrook's littlest dictator is sitting on...the porch I guess, eating a Popsicle and reading People magazine. Really? Not Sports Illustrated? Charlie's swimsuit issue? Okay, Ann. Once they get settled with some food, Stacey talks about how she and Mary Anne are going to Sea City with the Pikes. When talking about how she and Mary Anne are so different, she says the barf worthy line that Mary Anne is 'kind of young and [she] is sophisticated.' God, get over yourself, McGill. I've been reading these stupid books for nearly 30 years and you have never exhibited any more sophistication than Mary Anne. Just because you're a cock hungry goblin with boobs doesn't make you better than anyone.
Once they eat, they do regular sleepover type stuff where Stacey tries on some of K Ron's clip on earrings because in this book she wants more piercings. 1) It's weird that Stacey wanting second piercings is never mentioned outside of this book and she didn't try for them in the book all about ear piercing. 2) I find it weird that K Ron would have any earrings at all. 3) Clip on earrings, especially in the 80s, were clunky as as Hell. So, I highly doubt that's a good look. They exposit about what they're going to be doing and exchange addresses and weep even though they'll only be separated for two weeks. K Ron also tells Stacey and Mary Anne to write up their sitting jobs for the notebook. They should have poisoned her food.
Chapter 2!
Stacey and Mary Anne arrive at the Pikes the next day and shenanigans ensue. After the apes disperse, Ma and Pa give the girls a rundown on their trip. They say that pretty much the only rule they have is that when the lifeguards are off duty, no one goes in the ocean. And they think this is 'harsh'. So, their rules basically break down into 'We don't want our kids to drown but also they can't wear anything with glitter'. Those are equal rules for these people! They also say they've been going to Sea City for nine years. Yup. The people who made their daughter go halfsies on a $15 haircut have been renting a beach house every year for nine years. The same huge beach house even when they had a reasonable amount of kids and wouldn't need such a huge place. Yeah, I hate the Pikes.
When Stacey gets home, she starts packing her bag and adds a bottle of hair lightener. She says her mom would kill her if she knew she had it which I find funny. Ann is basically advocating lying to your parents. Maureen comes in and asks Stacey whether she has everything she needs for her trip. She hems and haws and worries because her baby is going away and she has the diabeetus. Stacey assures her everything will be fine, the Pikes know about her diet and she has her insulin kit. They actually cry and hug and Stacey tries to make me throw up again by saying-'It’s awfully hard helping your parents grow up. But it has to be done'. Stacey you hate vomit. Stop trying to get me to throw up all over you.
Chapter 3!
The next day, the girls go to the Pike house and Stacey is surprised to see Richard cry when he drops off Mary Anne. Because she doesn't understand feelings, I guess. Everyone is packing up the station wagons (?!) and Claire starts screaming because of course she does. She's annoying as Hell. At least Stacey does say that Claire can drive you crazy. About Goddamn time! They finally get on the road with all the fighting and car sickness and road safety violations that entails. They pull in along the main drag and holy crap do I miss the coast. Like, even though I hated Stacey in this book and totally didn't understand going crazy over a boy, I used to read this book again and again. Sea City just seemed like such fun. I always liked the Sea City books despite their boy-centric plots and the fact that the Jersey air turns Stacey into a raging hosebeast. I think that's why I kept reading this books even though I knew they were garbage. I could live vicariously through them.
Chapter 4!
When they get to the house, chaos naturally ensues. Also the house described is nothing like the one on the cover aside from the fact that it's yellow. They start unpacking and Mal says how she likes to sit on the porch and watch the ocean, and watch rainstorms from the third floor. And hey! That makes Stacey shiver! I never would have noticed how lol worthy that was if heymalice hadn't pointed it out. With writing like this, they dared deny Ann her Newbery? Mal shows Stacey and Mary Anne to their bedroom and Stacey snots that the room is old-fashioned which Mary Anne may like but uh! I'm too sophisticated for anything like that! I repeat, get over your damned self!
Once everyone is more or less settled, the Pike parents make the kids lunch and ask them what they want to do. Oh, I'm sorry I meant Stacey and Mary Anne do that. I've mentioned this before but, what the Hell do the Pikes do on vacation? They are never with their kids! They're not even sitting out and enjoying the beach or taking pictures or anything! They may as well not even be there! I'm surprised that they don't just drop all the kids off at the house and go back to Stoneybrook! It never occurred to me what absolute absentee parents they are! I mean, I get it! I get that they raised the most annoying apes this side of Planet of the and no one in their right mind would want to be around them but still! Can you imagine their photo albums?! It's all their kids and the neighbourhood teens! I'm surprised none of the kiddies think the BSC are their parents! It just makes me appreciate my awesome mum who actually did all she could to spend time with me! All these kids are gonna grow up with the worst complexes.
Anyways, since all the kids want to do different things, Mary Anne says maybe they can do a bit of everything and the kids can show them around Sea City. So, they head out to the boardwalk and check out all the stores and restaurants. At a souvenir store, Stacey claims that some seashell animals are cute. So, she thinks that tacky ass dust catchers that always end up on Gramma shelves are cute but that her bedroom is totally uncool and beneath her. Okay, McGill, okay. They buy candy and check out the Burger Garden and I always thought that the waiters their just had like, pieces of animal costumes. But now that I think about it, I think they're actually in full fursuits and that is terrifying. And hot. What kinda Hell must that be in the summer?
Once they finally make their way back home, the kids ask if they can go swimming. Stacey says no because the lifeguards are about to go off duty. So, the kids play in the sand and Stacey scopes out the lifeguards. One of them glances over at her and winks and you know what that means! Time for Stacey to change her panties! Just like Mary Anne spotting a nice rack, she utters 'Wow' and Mary Anne asks her what's up. Stacey says she's in love and Mary Anne looks at her like the mental case she is. Stacey even says Mary Anne looks at her like she's crazy which uh, you are. First of all, love at first sight is pretty much bull. Second, you do this all the time. You're a fucking flake. If I had a dollar every time you 'fall in luv' I'd be able to move out of this Hellhole and get all the toys and tattoos I pleased. An average looking, weedy guy could sneeze on you and you'd be head over heels. Third, you're 13. You don't even know what the fuck love is. You are a child. Fourthly, you are 13 and this guy is about 17! What the fuck are you even thinking?! I think that should have been the tagline on most of Stacey's book. What the fuck are you even thinking?!
Chapter 5!
Stacey wastes a stamp by writing to K Ron that the Pike kids get up early. It's one sentence. Basically, she could have saved all her postcards to K Ron and combined them and sent just one. And believe me, that's only the start of her stupidity. She writes a slightly longer card to Claudia telling her she's in luv. Yeah, I'm sure Claud is really surprised. Oh, wait. It's Claudia so she might be.
Claire and Margo continue their quest to be mad annoying by getting up at the crack of ass and waking the girls. Stacey tells them to go back to sleep so the little girls get in bed with them. I, personally, would not be able to get back to sleep. I'm completely incapable of sharing my bed with anything on two legs. They all go back to sleep and don't wake up till later to Pa Pike cooking breakfast. What?! Pa Pike doing his parental duty?! What the fuck Twilight Zone did I wander into?! He asks Stacey if the food he's preparing is okay for her and she says she can't have the processed cheese in the omelette du formage. Wait...what? I never heard of a diabetic not being able to eat cheese. My Grammy eats cheese just fine. And processed cheese? Is Pa using fucking Kraft singles in an omelet?! Fucking disgusting!
Stacey feels bad for making him do extra work and uh, don't, Stace. For one thing making scrambled eggs is easier than making an omelet, not matter what kinda hack boner you are who puts American cheese in them. And secondly, it's not going to kill John to do a little work. Oh, no! He might strain his tennis elbow! How will he ignore his kids now?! Seriously, let these fucks do some work. After breakfast, they round up the apes and take forever getting them ready. Finally everyone has their shit together, and Stacey makes a jab at Mary Anne's flat chest, and they head for the beach. I guess Ma and Pa are just gonna sit inside, staring at the walls or something. I've said this before but I fucking despise people who have kids and do fucking nothing to raise them. Don't have kids if you're not going to take time out your busy schedule to actually spend time with them!
On the beach, Mary Anne and Stacey nearly forget to put sunscreen on the kids because you know, they're fucking 13. Stacey puts on sunscreen and her hair lightener and soaks up some skin cancer. You better watch out, McGill, Dawn will come screeching outta the ocean like the motherfucking Kraken and say you're trying to copy her. She watches a group come over consisting of a teen boy and some kids. He does the same things they did, set up towels, later up the kids, and she tells Mary Anne that she thinks he's a mother's helper too.
They watch the apes and notice Lord Byron is staying away from the surf. He's just kinda sitting there watching the other kids play. Stacey asks if he can swim and uh, I would fucking hope so! Because if the Pikes were taking their apes to the beach and one of them couldn't swim, it would be murder. Stacey soon realises she can't do the job she's getting paid for because a Jeep just drove up to the lifeguard stand and her latest luv is coming to take over duty! Fuck the kids! There's cock in the air! Stacey is like 'Omg! Omg! There he is! I'm so in love because I'm fucking 13 and know what love is!' and Mary Anne is a stone cold bitch because she's like 'Yeah, you and every other girl on the beach.' Stacey sees that a bunch of girls have gathered around the lifeguard stand.
She spends the rest of the day, getting paid, watching the lifeguard stand instead of the Pikes. She says Mary Anne is pissed but she's in love! She can't help it! Okay, I don't feel romantic love, but I do feel aesthetic attraction. And if I was watching say...Thor but I had to keep an eye on Cabby at the same time, I'd pay attention to the Goddamn cat. Because even though Chris Hemsworth is a beautiful God, I know to watch the idiot who might knock over a candle. Stacey continues being living Ipecac, by saying some of the girls had the-'supreme honour' of fetching food and drinks for the lifeguards. I'm making a pact with you gals right now. If I ever say serving a man is an 'honour' much less a fucking supreme one, I fully give you permission to stuff a scorpion fish down my throat. That's a real good message, Ann! Real good! Thanks for setting female empowerment back a fucking millennium and losing me my right to vote and to wear pants!
I kinda love Mary Anne in this because she is in full dream crushing mode. She tells Stacey she's a fucking flake and that the lifeguards are way too old for her anyways. To emphasize her point, when some olda girls walk by, the lifeguards stop paying attention to the little girls and watch them go by. Mary Anne pops a smug boner and I'll forgive her this in a way I never will Dawn because Jesus Christmas! She's putting down Stacey! Stacey tells her she doesn't understand and I think she understands that you cream your panties over random guys more often than you change them and that these guys aren't fucking pedophiles! You're the one not seeing reality there, McGill.
After lunch, they make the apes put on some extra clothes and Stacey puts on some herself. Only Mary Anne is a fucking moron who thinks you don't need any type of protection from the sun. Just because Dawn wants to look like a hundred year old man's baked scrotum doesn't mean you have to follow her lead, Spier. The triplets get into a fight and Stacey abandons Mary Anne with fighting kids to go flirt. As she's doing that important business, Mal comes over carrying Claire who cut her foot on a shell. Hotty Hotson jumps down and takes care of it. He introduces himself as one Scott Foley which I don't know any shows he's from, but I know that's a real guy. I say we send him him a copy of this book. Maybe it'll make him want to fistfight Ann.
Stacey spends the rest of her paid job hanging around the lifeguard stand. And when Scott asks her for a soda, she just takes one from the Pikes' fridge. Because that's who they bought them for! She spends all day talking to Scott and learns he's 18 which she consents is old. But she doesn't care. This is literally making me sick. It's just as bad as the time with Wes. I want to know what the fuck Ann even thinks? How can such corny white bread also write utter filth?! How can she think writing about a 13 year old lusting after a legal adult and thinking that's all cool in Sweden is okay?! You know what's gonna happen, Ann?! Some little girl is going to think an adult man hitting on her is okay! That it's a mark of sophistication! That 'Stacey likes older guys! So it must be okay!' You're fucking twisted, Martin. May Thor have mercy on what little soul you have.
That night, Stacey ignores Mary Anne some more when she's telling Stacey the Goddamn truth about what a lazy whore she's being and goes to play on the beach by herself. She takes a shell and writes 'Stacey+Scott=Luv' in the sand. Then because she's a superstitious git, she runs away before she can see the waves wash it away. Just because you write something down doesn't make it true, McGill. Look at me, I write these snarks and Ann still hasn't apologised to me and sent me $500,000,000 like she should for torturing me. Mal wrote that Mary Sue play and she's still an ugly slave. And I'm sure Scott will be so impressed that you write 'luv'. We know guys can't resist girls that remind them of retarded kindergartners. God, this book is stupid. I mean Stacey. Stacey is stupid.
-Song of the Day!-
PS Your cats won't like this song!
Let's start with the cover:
Stacey just looks...off. But at least she does look 13 for a change. Also her holding on to Claire makes me realise how fucking small she is and that a 13 year old really shouldn't be picking up a 5 year old. Look at that! They're nearly the same size! I also like how Claire managed to cut the bottom of her foot while wearing shoes. Scott looks way older than 18. He looks like a DILF. I hope those seagulls shit all over all of them. The Pikes house is way huge. That's a fucking hotel, not a beach house. So, even the cover is full of fail. And the insides fair no better. This book hurts.
Chapter 1!
Stacey is getting ready to go to the Brewer/Thomas mansion for a party and she asks Maureen how you behave in a mansion. Maureen tells her to just act normally and I have to wonder why visiting K Ron at the mansion is any different from visiting Laine in her fancy apartment. I'm pretty sure Laine's family is pulling in the Benjamins. Stacey dresses in a-'pink shirt [with] Big, bright green and yellow birds were splashed all over it. […] pair of baggy shorts, looped a wide green belt […] silver bangle bracelets and a pair of silver earrings shaped like bells that actually ring when they dangle back and forth'. The picture of sophistication!
When Stacey gets to K Ron's, Stoneybrook's littlest dictator is sitting on...the porch I guess, eating a Popsicle and reading People magazine. Really? Not Sports Illustrated? Charlie's swimsuit issue? Okay, Ann. Once they get settled with some food, Stacey talks about how she and Mary Anne are going to Sea City with the Pikes. When talking about how she and Mary Anne are so different, she says the barf worthy line that Mary Anne is 'kind of young and [she] is sophisticated.' God, get over yourself, McGill. I've been reading these stupid books for nearly 30 years and you have never exhibited any more sophistication than Mary Anne. Just because you're a cock hungry goblin with boobs doesn't make you better than anyone.
Once they eat, they do regular sleepover type stuff where Stacey tries on some of K Ron's clip on earrings because in this book she wants more piercings. 1) It's weird that Stacey wanting second piercings is never mentioned outside of this book and she didn't try for them in the book all about ear piercing. 2) I find it weird that K Ron would have any earrings at all. 3) Clip on earrings, especially in the 80s, were clunky as as Hell. So, I highly doubt that's a good look. They exposit about what they're going to be doing and exchange addresses and weep even though they'll only be separated for two weeks. K Ron also tells Stacey and Mary Anne to write up their sitting jobs for the notebook. They should have poisoned her food.
Chapter 2!
Stacey and Mary Anne arrive at the Pikes the next day and shenanigans ensue. After the apes disperse, Ma and Pa give the girls a rundown on their trip. They say that pretty much the only rule they have is that when the lifeguards are off duty, no one goes in the ocean. And they think this is 'harsh'. So, their rules basically break down into 'We don't want our kids to drown but also they can't wear anything with glitter'. Those are equal rules for these people! They also say they've been going to Sea City for nine years. Yup. The people who made their daughter go halfsies on a $15 haircut have been renting a beach house every year for nine years. The same huge beach house even when they had a reasonable amount of kids and wouldn't need such a huge place. Yeah, I hate the Pikes.
When Stacey gets home, she starts packing her bag and adds a bottle of hair lightener. She says her mom would kill her if she knew she had it which I find funny. Ann is basically advocating lying to your parents. Maureen comes in and asks Stacey whether she has everything she needs for her trip. She hems and haws and worries because her baby is going away and she has the diabeetus. Stacey assures her everything will be fine, the Pikes know about her diet and she has her insulin kit. They actually cry and hug and Stacey tries to make me throw up again by saying-'It’s awfully hard helping your parents grow up. But it has to be done'. Stacey you hate vomit. Stop trying to get me to throw up all over you.
Chapter 3!
The next day, the girls go to the Pike house and Stacey is surprised to see Richard cry when he drops off Mary Anne. Because she doesn't understand feelings, I guess. Everyone is packing up the station wagons (?!) and Claire starts screaming because of course she does. She's annoying as Hell. At least Stacey does say that Claire can drive you crazy. About Goddamn time! They finally get on the road with all the fighting and car sickness and road safety violations that entails. They pull in along the main drag and holy crap do I miss the coast. Like, even though I hated Stacey in this book and totally didn't understand going crazy over a boy, I used to read this book again and again. Sea City just seemed like such fun. I always liked the Sea City books despite their boy-centric plots and the fact that the Jersey air turns Stacey into a raging hosebeast. I think that's why I kept reading this books even though I knew they were garbage. I could live vicariously through them.
Chapter 4!
When they get to the house, chaos naturally ensues. Also the house described is nothing like the one on the cover aside from the fact that it's yellow. They start unpacking and Mal says how she likes to sit on the porch and watch the ocean, and watch rainstorms from the third floor. And hey! That makes Stacey shiver! I never would have noticed how lol worthy that was if heymalice hadn't pointed it out. With writing like this, they dared deny Ann her Newbery? Mal shows Stacey and Mary Anne to their bedroom and Stacey snots that the room is old-fashioned which Mary Anne may like but uh! I'm too sophisticated for anything like that! I repeat, get over your damned self!
Once everyone is more or less settled, the Pike parents make the kids lunch and ask them what they want to do. Oh, I'm sorry I meant Stacey and Mary Anne do that. I've mentioned this before but, what the Hell do the Pikes do on vacation? They are never with their kids! They're not even sitting out and enjoying the beach or taking pictures or anything! They may as well not even be there! I'm surprised that they don't just drop all the kids off at the house and go back to Stoneybrook! It never occurred to me what absolute absentee parents they are! I mean, I get it! I get that they raised the most annoying apes this side of Planet of the and no one in their right mind would want to be around them but still! Can you imagine their photo albums?! It's all their kids and the neighbourhood teens! I'm surprised none of the kiddies think the BSC are their parents! It just makes me appreciate my awesome mum who actually did all she could to spend time with me! All these kids are gonna grow up with the worst complexes.
Anyways, since all the kids want to do different things, Mary Anne says maybe they can do a bit of everything and the kids can show them around Sea City. So, they head out to the boardwalk and check out all the stores and restaurants. At a souvenir store, Stacey claims that some seashell animals are cute. So, she thinks that tacky ass dust catchers that always end up on Gramma shelves are cute but that her bedroom is totally uncool and beneath her. Okay, McGill, okay. They buy candy and check out the Burger Garden and I always thought that the waiters their just had like, pieces of animal costumes. But now that I think about it, I think they're actually in full fursuits and that is terrifying. And hot. What kinda Hell must that be in the summer?
Once they finally make their way back home, the kids ask if they can go swimming. Stacey says no because the lifeguards are about to go off duty. So, the kids play in the sand and Stacey scopes out the lifeguards. One of them glances over at her and winks and you know what that means! Time for Stacey to change her panties! Just like Mary Anne spotting a nice rack, she utters 'Wow' and Mary Anne asks her what's up. Stacey says she's in love and Mary Anne looks at her like the mental case she is. Stacey even says Mary Anne looks at her like she's crazy which uh, you are. First of all, love at first sight is pretty much bull. Second, you do this all the time. You're a fucking flake. If I had a dollar every time you 'fall in luv' I'd be able to move out of this Hellhole and get all the toys and tattoos I pleased. An average looking, weedy guy could sneeze on you and you'd be head over heels. Third, you're 13. You don't even know what the fuck love is. You are a child. Fourthly, you are 13 and this guy is about 17! What the fuck are you even thinking?! I think that should have been the tagline on most of Stacey's book. What the fuck are you even thinking?!
Chapter 5!
Stacey wastes a stamp by writing to K Ron that the Pike kids get up early. It's one sentence. Basically, she could have saved all her postcards to K Ron and combined them and sent just one. And believe me, that's only the start of her stupidity. She writes a slightly longer card to Claudia telling her she's in luv. Yeah, I'm sure Claud is really surprised. Oh, wait. It's Claudia so she might be.
Claire and Margo continue their quest to be mad annoying by getting up at the crack of ass and waking the girls. Stacey tells them to go back to sleep so the little girls get in bed with them. I, personally, would not be able to get back to sleep. I'm completely incapable of sharing my bed with anything on two legs. They all go back to sleep and don't wake up till later to Pa Pike cooking breakfast. What?! Pa Pike doing his parental duty?! What the fuck Twilight Zone did I wander into?! He asks Stacey if the food he's preparing is okay for her and she says she can't have the processed cheese in the omelette du formage. Wait...what? I never heard of a diabetic not being able to eat cheese. My Grammy eats cheese just fine. And processed cheese? Is Pa using fucking Kraft singles in an omelet?! Fucking disgusting!
Stacey feels bad for making him do extra work and uh, don't, Stace. For one thing making scrambled eggs is easier than making an omelet, not matter what kinda hack boner you are who puts American cheese in them. And secondly, it's not going to kill John to do a little work. Oh, no! He might strain his tennis elbow! How will he ignore his kids now?! Seriously, let these fucks do some work. After breakfast, they round up the apes and take forever getting them ready. Finally everyone has their shit together, and Stacey makes a jab at Mary Anne's flat chest, and they head for the beach. I guess Ma and Pa are just gonna sit inside, staring at the walls or something. I've said this before but I fucking despise people who have kids and do fucking nothing to raise them. Don't have kids if you're not going to take time out your busy schedule to actually spend time with them!
On the beach, Mary Anne and Stacey nearly forget to put sunscreen on the kids because you know, they're fucking 13. Stacey puts on sunscreen and her hair lightener and soaks up some skin cancer. You better watch out, McGill, Dawn will come screeching outta the ocean like the motherfucking Kraken and say you're trying to copy her. She watches a group come over consisting of a teen boy and some kids. He does the same things they did, set up towels, later up the kids, and she tells Mary Anne that she thinks he's a mother's helper too.
They watch the apes and notice Lord Byron is staying away from the surf. He's just kinda sitting there watching the other kids play. Stacey asks if he can swim and uh, I would fucking hope so! Because if the Pikes were taking their apes to the beach and one of them couldn't swim, it would be murder. Stacey soon realises she can't do the job she's getting paid for because a Jeep just drove up to the lifeguard stand and her latest luv is coming to take over duty! Fuck the kids! There's cock in the air! Stacey is like 'Omg! Omg! There he is! I'm so in love because I'm fucking 13 and know what love is!' and Mary Anne is a stone cold bitch because she's like 'Yeah, you and every other girl on the beach.' Stacey sees that a bunch of girls have gathered around the lifeguard stand.
She spends the rest of the day, getting paid, watching the lifeguard stand instead of the Pikes. She says Mary Anne is pissed but she's in love! She can't help it! Okay, I don't feel romantic love, but I do feel aesthetic attraction. And if I was watching say...Thor but I had to keep an eye on Cabby at the same time, I'd pay attention to the Goddamn cat. Because even though Chris Hemsworth is a beautiful God, I know to watch the idiot who might knock over a candle. Stacey continues being living Ipecac, by saying some of the girls had the-'supreme honour' of fetching food and drinks for the lifeguards. I'm making a pact with you gals right now. If I ever say serving a man is an 'honour' much less a fucking supreme one, I fully give you permission to stuff a scorpion fish down my throat. That's a real good message, Ann! Real good! Thanks for setting female empowerment back a fucking millennium and losing me my right to vote and to wear pants!
I kinda love Mary Anne in this because she is in full dream crushing mode. She tells Stacey she's a fucking flake and that the lifeguards are way too old for her anyways. To emphasize her point, when some olda girls walk by, the lifeguards stop paying attention to the little girls and watch them go by. Mary Anne pops a smug boner and I'll forgive her this in a way I never will Dawn because Jesus Christmas! She's putting down Stacey! Stacey tells her she doesn't understand and I think she understands that you cream your panties over random guys more often than you change them and that these guys aren't fucking pedophiles! You're the one not seeing reality there, McGill.
After lunch, they make the apes put on some extra clothes and Stacey puts on some herself. Only Mary Anne is a fucking moron who thinks you don't need any type of protection from the sun. Just because Dawn wants to look like a hundred year old man's baked scrotum doesn't mean you have to follow her lead, Spier. The triplets get into a fight and Stacey abandons Mary Anne with fighting kids to go flirt. As she's doing that important business, Mal comes over carrying Claire who cut her foot on a shell. Hotty Hotson jumps down and takes care of it. He introduces himself as one Scott Foley which I don't know any shows he's from, but I know that's a real guy. I say we send him him a copy of this book. Maybe it'll make him want to fistfight Ann.
Stacey spends the rest of her paid job hanging around the lifeguard stand. And when Scott asks her for a soda, she just takes one from the Pikes' fridge. Because that's who they bought them for! She spends all day talking to Scott and learns he's 18 which she consents is old. But she doesn't care. This is literally making me sick. It's just as bad as the time with Wes. I want to know what the fuck Ann even thinks? How can such corny white bread also write utter filth?! How can she think writing about a 13 year old lusting after a legal adult and thinking that's all cool in Sweden is okay?! You know what's gonna happen, Ann?! Some little girl is going to think an adult man hitting on her is okay! That it's a mark of sophistication! That 'Stacey likes older guys! So it must be okay!' You're fucking twisted, Martin. May Thor have mercy on what little soul you have.
That night, Stacey ignores Mary Anne some more when she's telling Stacey the Goddamn truth about what a lazy whore she's being and goes to play on the beach by herself. She takes a shell and writes 'Stacey+Scott=Luv' in the sand. Then because she's a superstitious git, she runs away before she can see the waves wash it away. Just because you write something down doesn't make it true, McGill. Look at me, I write these snarks and Ann still hasn't apologised to me and sent me $500,000,000 like she should for torturing me. Mal wrote that Mary Sue play and she's still an ugly slave. And I'm sure Scott will be so impressed that you write 'luv'. We know guys can't resist girls that remind them of retarded kindergartners. God, this book is stupid. I mean Stacey. Stacey is stupid.