Beware, Dawn! Part The End!
I gotta tell ya, gals. I have been bitten by the writing bug. Every once in a while I just get this huge urge to snark. I think it generally runs counter clockwise with my desire to do my obligations. Like I have other stuff I need to do but I'd rather make fun of awful old books. Which makes no sense because reading about Dawn isn't fun. She's horrible. And I hate her. So, I don't know why I put myself through the torture of reading about her when I could be doing something I enjoy (ie: drawing). Oh, wait, I do know why I do it. It's all for you. You guys make it all worth while. They always say the best friendships are those based on mutual hatred. Well, let's go!
Part 1! Part 2!
-Spooky Song of the Day!-
Chapter 11!
At the meeting, the BSC is talking about embarrassing moments and somehow Mallory doesn't mention the time she cried over buying socks. And Claudia doesn't mention the time she mixed up a sponge for sponge cake. K Ron says 'Omg! I'm embarrassed now because it's 5:31!' and my hatred goes up a few more points. She also says that when Mr Korman came to the door she didn't see him and freaked out. Dawn, ever the genius, screeches, 'At least it wasn't Mr X!!' and everyone just stares at her. K Ron is like 'What the what now?' and everyone starts talking at once. Well, except Dawn who screeches, 'It's nobody!' Stacey says while she was sitting for the Perkins, someone kept calling and not answering and she got left a note. Jesus, Stacey. Just hand it to the girls and they'll have the forensics to you in five minutes. Also, how impossible would this plot be nowadays? That shitty kid (spoiler alert!) would have to have all the BSCs cell phone numbers. Hell, even a few years later there would be caller ID and *69. It's funny how some plots have been rendered obsolete.
Everyone tells their Mr X stories and it turns out everyone has had an experience except K Ron. She asks to see their notes, which they were carrying with them for some reason and Dawn watches her look them over. And of course she starts thinking that K Ron is behind it all.
Dawn? Need I remind you of something? Something about the fact that you're a Goddamn sociopath? Need I remind you of what you did to Mary Anne and Richard because they were doing things you personally didn't approve of? Things like owning a cat and reading the paper? Now, as much as it sickens me, I do agree with you that K Ron is a psychopath. But you're the one who pulled scare tactics for incredibly asinine reasons. I don't want to get to pot/kettle here, but you need to take a close look at yourself before you go pointing fingers at just what a person would do before they'd say they weren't the best. Because you were the one stroking your boner so much about how flawless you were, you couldn't admit to being wrong and decided to terrorize your best friend and sister, rather than admit you had a fault. I'm telling you this as a concerned friend. A concerned friend who wants to throw you in a cement mixer full of acid and razor blades.
Chapter 12!
Claudia is sitting for Charlotte and just reading her notebook entry gave me hives. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I hate Claudia's willful stupidity. She should not be spelling this way! It's so fucking bad! She can't spell real! She can't spell pain! This is first grade level shit! She so fucking stupid, you guys! *sobs* She's so fucking stupid! Anyways. Claudia is all mad because because Stacey is in NYC going to a movie premier and she's gonna met the star, Rik Devine, who is 'only the most gorgeous hunk ever to walk the Earth'. Well, his name is Rik so I have my doubts on his attractiveness. Isn't that the name of the guy who was supposed to play Peeves the poltergeist? Didn't he die? Sorry for the tangent, this chapter is boring.
Charlotte utters the dreaded words 'I'm bored' and Claudia is like,' Oh, shit! My cred!' She suggests a bunch of things, including watching tv (!), but Charlotte nixes them all. Claudia remembers, that duh, she brought her Kid Kit. Char finds a book much better than this one and they trade off reading to each other. As they're reading, the phone rings and Claudia answers it. Can you guess what happens next? Yup, no one's there. Claudia goes back to reading but she can't concentrate and Char asks her whats up. Claudia tells her it's nothing and they continue reading.
As Char is reading to her, Claudia hears a noise outside. She sneaks over to the door, hoping to catch Mr X in the act. She throws open the door and someone has spread baked beans all over the porch. Hahaha! WHAT?! That right there should tell them it's some kid pranking them. I mean, really. That's not scary! It's just gross and dumb. Charlotte comes over and sees the mess and asks Claudia whats going on. Claudia says someone just pulled a prank on them and why don't we just keep this to ourselves, hmm? Char is like whatev and they clean up the mess. Riveting.
Chapter 13!
Dawn is sitting for the Newtons and saying about how Jamie loves Lucy. She says 'No sibling rivalry there!' Why no! We can't have that! We can't have realism in an Ann book! Don't you know? Little kids love useless, smelly, noisy lumps that they can't do anything with and take all the attention! Love 'em! Sorry but I just threw up in my mouth a little. The combination of babies and sickeningly sweet glurge makes me nauseous. And the loving description of Lucy and how perfect she is isn't helping. Anyways, Jamie has a lot of energy to burn, so Dawn takes him outside to play. He talks about practicing for the Krushers and my eyes try to slide out their sockets from boredom. So, I skim to save my life.
As he practices, Dawn notices Lucy is getting a little restless. She asks Jamie if he'd like to take a walk and at first he agrees then says he can't leave because shitty Mel is doing 'baby-sitting checks'. Dawn asks what he means and Jamie says it was supposed to be a secret, but Mel has been checking on the BSC for the Sitter of the Month contest. Dawn wonders about it and suddenly she just knows Mel is Mr X. She wonders why Mel would be doing those things and uh, he's just a shitty kid. The same as you and your brother. Does-does Dawn just forget what a horrible person she was that time? Does she not remember going through Richard's things just so she could upset him? Does she not remember laughing about it it with shitty Jeff that she succeeded? Some people are just assholes. You are an asshole. Stop acting like you can't understand some people being mean for the sake of being mean when you do it all the time.
I hate Dawn so much. I'm just sitting here in quiet fury because I can't afford to throw my laptop across the room. I just wish I could talk to Ann and ask just what her problem is. Why did she think any of Dawn's behaviour was acceptable? Her books were targeted at little kids. They shouldn't have protagonists acting the way Dawn does! When you make a mistake, you're supposed to own up to it and apologise! Not say, 'I don't want to admit I was wrong! Better use psychological torture to get my way!' and think it's the right thing to do! Kids are impressionable! Don't write for kids if you don't know basic right from wrong! Because there's gonna be two results: Either kids are going to think it's okay to treat people like shit or they're gonna hate your main characters! Don't write if you have the morals of a goat testicle!
Dawn decides to take the kids inside while still wondering why Mel would be being such a brat. Sorry. I rolled my eyes so much I got dizzy. She settles Lucy down for a nap and sets Jamie up with some puzzles and sits back to think. I'm sure that's taking all her energy. The doorbell rings and when Dawn checks the door, Lucy's doll is laying there, decapitated. Dawn spends the rest of the job trying to find the head but it's nowhere. When she gets home, she tells Mary Anne what happened and that she thinks Mel is Mr X. MA isn't sure and says they should call K Ron. K Ron is excited about the thought of catching Mel and Dawn wonders how she could have suspected her. Gee, I dunno, Davey. Ya think it might have something to do with your being a shitty, mean person? Just a thought!
Chapter 14!
At an emergency BSC meeting, Dawn is all proud of herself for coming up with a plan to catch Mel. And the plan is stupid as Hell which says a lot about her and her ego. The plan is to say Dawn will be sitting at her house alone for a fictional cousin. She makes sure to spread word to all the kids that she'll be at home, all alone, by herself, no one there but her, all alone, and then the rest of the BSC will catch him in the act. And here's where the plan is stupid. How are none of the kids suspicious about this so called cousin? This is Stoneybrook. You can't take a shit without a neighbourhood welcome wagon bringing you matches and toilet paper. Do you really think the kids of the 'Brook are gonna hear about a kid they've never met and not want to meet them? Everyone in Stoneybrook is nosy as fuck. This plan is as stupid as Dawn is. Which is a cosmic fuckton if you were wondering.
Dawn says she thinks Mel will try to use the secret passage to scare her and I'd give my left eye for her to say 'Like I did to you, Mary Anne!' I would rock an eyepatch! So, on the day of the big plan, Dawn waits for Richard and Sharon to leave for reasons and the rest of the BSC sneaks into her house. They go over the plan and sit around shooting the shit. They start to hear noises in the passage and who would be scared by a kid going 'whooooo' and 'hehehe'? Oh, Dawn says she would have been if she were alone. And again, she just conveniently forgets that she pulled this shit on MA and what a horrible person that makes her.
Mary Anne, K Ron and Stacey sneak off to the barn and the others give them enough time to get there. When enough time has passed, Dawn throws open the passage door and sure enough, there's Mel. He looks shocked and takes off running down the passage but the other BSC members are in there and stop him. He gets mad and says he didn't do anything so Dawn asks him exactly what he was up to. He has no answer of course and starts crying. Dawn feels bad for him and gives him a hug. Because she's such a caring person. Sure, Dawn. Sure.
Chapter 15!
Dawn says that 'The Capture of Mr X' would have made a great movie...
After they catch Mel, Dawn and K Ron walk him home and he confesses to everything on the way. Dawn says she feels bad for him because he's 'troubled' but I dunno. I think he's just kinda an asshole. Kids can be assholes too. Dawn asks him why he did it and he says because he got in trouble for teasing the Hobart boys and blamed the BSC. K Ron tells him that he needs to stop teasing kids just because they're different. Mel says his mom said that if he doesn't stop being such a little asshole, he'll have to see a psychiatrist. K Ron tells him that that's actually a good thing and will help him with his feelings. Which, to Ann's credit, is a good message. I guess she's entitled to one per 200 books.
At the next BSC meeting, a bunch of the kids come over to announce who won the Sitter of the Month contest. And in an incredible sugary cop out, they have a seven way tie. And because Ann doesn't know what words mean, there's never any talk about a Sitter of the Month contest in any other book. Even though when you put 'Of the Month' on the end of something, it usually means you have it once a month. Also, you're telling me all the kids were in on saying all the sitters are there fave? Ann suffers from Dawn's memory problems and forgot that Jenny hated on Dawn. She was probably the only dissent saying 'Do you not get treated like shit by these bitches? They never fucking listen and act like talking to you is a chore. The only one who treats me like a human being is Sir Cries-a-Lot. Fuck the rest of them.' I also refuse to believe that Ann would have any of the kids vote for Mal. Unless it was the Pike kids voting for Mother of the Month. And even then she wouldn't win.
And on that vomit inducing note, we're out! So, I was thinking another mystery even though I know I won't finish it in time for Halloween, so how about Mallory and the Ghost Cat? That ones nice and stupid and it has cats! And then after that, I don't know what I'll be doing so, I'm open for suggestions. As always, thanks for reading!
Part 1! Part 2!
-Spooky Song of the Day!-
Chapter 11!
At the meeting, the BSC is talking about embarrassing moments and somehow Mallory doesn't mention the time she cried over buying socks. And Claudia doesn't mention the time she mixed up a sponge for sponge cake. K Ron says 'Omg! I'm embarrassed now because it's 5:31!' and my hatred goes up a few more points. She also says that when Mr Korman came to the door she didn't see him and freaked out. Dawn, ever the genius, screeches, 'At least it wasn't Mr X!!' and everyone just stares at her. K Ron is like 'What the what now?' and everyone starts talking at once. Well, except Dawn who screeches, 'It's nobody!' Stacey says while she was sitting for the Perkins, someone kept calling and not answering and she got left a note. Jesus, Stacey. Just hand it to the girls and they'll have the forensics to you in five minutes. Also, how impossible would this plot be nowadays? That shitty kid (spoiler alert!) would have to have all the BSCs cell phone numbers. Hell, even a few years later there would be caller ID and *69. It's funny how some plots have been rendered obsolete.
Everyone tells their Mr X stories and it turns out everyone has had an experience except K Ron. She asks to see their notes, which they were carrying with them for some reason and Dawn watches her look them over. And of course she starts thinking that K Ron is behind it all.
Dawn? Need I remind you of something? Something about the fact that you're a Goddamn sociopath? Need I remind you of what you did to Mary Anne and Richard because they were doing things you personally didn't approve of? Things like owning a cat and reading the paper? Now, as much as it sickens me, I do agree with you that K Ron is a psychopath. But you're the one who pulled scare tactics for incredibly asinine reasons. I don't want to get to pot/kettle here, but you need to take a close look at yourself before you go pointing fingers at just what a person would do before they'd say they weren't the best. Because you were the one stroking your boner so much about how flawless you were, you couldn't admit to being wrong and decided to terrorize your best friend and sister, rather than admit you had a fault. I'm telling you this as a concerned friend. A concerned friend who wants to throw you in a cement mixer full of acid and razor blades.
Chapter 12!
Claudia is sitting for Charlotte and just reading her notebook entry gave me hives. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I hate Claudia's willful stupidity. She should not be spelling this way! It's so fucking bad! She can't spell real! She can't spell pain! This is first grade level shit! She so fucking stupid, you guys! *sobs* She's so fucking stupid! Anyways. Claudia is all mad because because Stacey is in NYC going to a movie premier and she's gonna met the star, Rik Devine, who is 'only the most gorgeous hunk ever to walk the Earth'. Well, his name is Rik so I have my doubts on his attractiveness. Isn't that the name of the guy who was supposed to play Peeves the poltergeist? Didn't he die? Sorry for the tangent, this chapter is boring.
Charlotte utters the dreaded words 'I'm bored' and Claudia is like,' Oh, shit! My cred!' She suggests a bunch of things, including watching tv (!), but Charlotte nixes them all. Claudia remembers, that duh, she brought her Kid Kit. Char finds a book much better than this one and they trade off reading to each other. As they're reading, the phone rings and Claudia answers it. Can you guess what happens next? Yup, no one's there. Claudia goes back to reading but she can't concentrate and Char asks her whats up. Claudia tells her it's nothing and they continue reading.
As Char is reading to her, Claudia hears a noise outside. She sneaks over to the door, hoping to catch Mr X in the act. She throws open the door and someone has spread baked beans all over the porch. Hahaha! WHAT?! That right there should tell them it's some kid pranking them. I mean, really. That's not scary! It's just gross and dumb. Charlotte comes over and sees the mess and asks Claudia whats going on. Claudia says someone just pulled a prank on them and why don't we just keep this to ourselves, hmm? Char is like whatev and they clean up the mess. Riveting.
Chapter 13!
Dawn is sitting for the Newtons and saying about how Jamie loves Lucy. She says 'No sibling rivalry there!' Why no! We can't have that! We can't have realism in an Ann book! Don't you know? Little kids love useless, smelly, noisy lumps that they can't do anything with and take all the attention! Love 'em! Sorry but I just threw up in my mouth a little. The combination of babies and sickeningly sweet glurge makes me nauseous. And the loving description of Lucy and how perfect she is isn't helping. Anyways, Jamie has a lot of energy to burn, so Dawn takes him outside to play. He talks about practicing for the Krushers and my eyes try to slide out their sockets from boredom. So, I skim to save my life.
As he practices, Dawn notices Lucy is getting a little restless. She asks Jamie if he'd like to take a walk and at first he agrees then says he can't leave because shitty Mel is doing 'baby-sitting checks'. Dawn asks what he means and Jamie says it was supposed to be a secret, but Mel has been checking on the BSC for the Sitter of the Month contest. Dawn wonders about it and suddenly she just knows Mel is Mr X. She wonders why Mel would be doing those things and uh, he's just a shitty kid. The same as you and your brother. Does-does Dawn just forget what a horrible person she was that time? Does she not remember going through Richard's things just so she could upset him? Does she not remember laughing about it it with shitty Jeff that she succeeded? Some people are just assholes. You are an asshole. Stop acting like you can't understand some people being mean for the sake of being mean when you do it all the time.
I hate Dawn so much. I'm just sitting here in quiet fury because I can't afford to throw my laptop across the room. I just wish I could talk to Ann and ask just what her problem is. Why did she think any of Dawn's behaviour was acceptable? Her books were targeted at little kids. They shouldn't have protagonists acting the way Dawn does! When you make a mistake, you're supposed to own up to it and apologise! Not say, 'I don't want to admit I was wrong! Better use psychological torture to get my way!' and think it's the right thing to do! Kids are impressionable! Don't write for kids if you don't know basic right from wrong! Because there's gonna be two results: Either kids are going to think it's okay to treat people like shit or they're gonna hate your main characters! Don't write if you have the morals of a goat testicle!
Dawn decides to take the kids inside while still wondering why Mel would be being such a brat. Sorry. I rolled my eyes so much I got dizzy. She settles Lucy down for a nap and sets Jamie up with some puzzles and sits back to think. I'm sure that's taking all her energy. The doorbell rings and when Dawn checks the door, Lucy's doll is laying there, decapitated. Dawn spends the rest of the job trying to find the head but it's nowhere. When she gets home, she tells Mary Anne what happened and that she thinks Mel is Mr X. MA isn't sure and says they should call K Ron. K Ron is excited about the thought of catching Mel and Dawn wonders how she could have suspected her. Gee, I dunno, Davey. Ya think it might have something to do with your being a shitty, mean person? Just a thought!
Chapter 14!
At an emergency BSC meeting, Dawn is all proud of herself for coming up with a plan to catch Mel. And the plan is stupid as Hell which says a lot about her and her ego. The plan is to say Dawn will be sitting at her house alone for a fictional cousin. She makes sure to spread word to all the kids that she'll be at home, all alone, by herself, no one there but her, all alone, and then the rest of the BSC will catch him in the act. And here's where the plan is stupid. How are none of the kids suspicious about this so called cousin? This is Stoneybrook. You can't take a shit without a neighbourhood welcome wagon bringing you matches and toilet paper. Do you really think the kids of the 'Brook are gonna hear about a kid they've never met and not want to meet them? Everyone in Stoneybrook is nosy as fuck. This plan is as stupid as Dawn is. Which is a cosmic fuckton if you were wondering.
Dawn says she thinks Mel will try to use the secret passage to scare her and I'd give my left eye for her to say 'Like I did to you, Mary Anne!' I would rock an eyepatch! So, on the day of the big plan, Dawn waits for Richard and Sharon to leave for reasons and the rest of the BSC sneaks into her house. They go over the plan and sit around shooting the shit. They start to hear noises in the passage and who would be scared by a kid going 'whooooo' and 'hehehe'? Oh, Dawn says she would have been if she were alone. And again, she just conveniently forgets that she pulled this shit on MA and what a horrible person that makes her.
Mary Anne, K Ron and Stacey sneak off to the barn and the others give them enough time to get there. When enough time has passed, Dawn throws open the passage door and sure enough, there's Mel. He looks shocked and takes off running down the passage but the other BSC members are in there and stop him. He gets mad and says he didn't do anything so Dawn asks him exactly what he was up to. He has no answer of course and starts crying. Dawn feels bad for him and gives him a hug. Because she's such a caring person. Sure, Dawn. Sure.
Chapter 15!
Dawn says that 'The Capture of Mr X' would have made a great movie...
After they catch Mel, Dawn and K Ron walk him home and he confesses to everything on the way. Dawn says she feels bad for him because he's 'troubled' but I dunno. I think he's just kinda an asshole. Kids can be assholes too. Dawn asks him why he did it and he says because he got in trouble for teasing the Hobart boys and blamed the BSC. K Ron tells him that he needs to stop teasing kids just because they're different. Mel says his mom said that if he doesn't stop being such a little asshole, he'll have to see a psychiatrist. K Ron tells him that that's actually a good thing and will help him with his feelings. Which, to Ann's credit, is a good message. I guess she's entitled to one per 200 books.
At the next BSC meeting, a bunch of the kids come over to announce who won the Sitter of the Month contest. And in an incredible sugary cop out, they have a seven way tie. And because Ann doesn't know what words mean, there's never any talk about a Sitter of the Month contest in any other book. Even though when you put 'Of the Month' on the end of something, it usually means you have it once a month. Also, you're telling me all the kids were in on saying all the sitters are there fave? Ann suffers from Dawn's memory problems and forgot that Jenny hated on Dawn. She was probably the only dissent saying 'Do you not get treated like shit by these bitches? They never fucking listen and act like talking to you is a chore. The only one who treats me like a human being is Sir Cries-a-Lot. Fuck the rest of them.' I also refuse to believe that Ann would have any of the kids vote for Mal. Unless it was the Pike kids voting for Mother of the Month. And even then she wouldn't win.
And on that vomit inducing note, we're out! So, I was thinking another mystery even though I know I won't finish it in time for Halloween, so how about Mallory and the Ghost Cat? That ones nice and stupid and it has cats! And then after that, I don't know what I'll be doing so, I'm open for suggestions. As always, thanks for reading!