Claudia and the Middle School Mystery! Part 2!
I was feeling pretty productive today and had nothing else I felt like doing, So I decided to work on my snark some more. It's funny how when I was going into this snark, it seemed fairly innocuous. Boy, was I wrong. I should know by now that Ann is one of the worst writers in existence and can't even write a simple tale of middle school woes without heaping amounts of hypocrisy and stupidity. She's almost magical that way. Like, I would commend her if I didn't hit her with a train first. Well, let's go!
Part 1!
-Song of the Day!-
Chapter 6!
Claudia is sitting alone in her room thinking about what happened. She's wondering how she can prove her innocence. She listens as her family comes home and worries when she hears the phone ring. When it's time for dinner she goes downstairs and neither of her parents say anything. But as they're eating, Rioko mentions that she got a call from her principal. She asks her what happened and Claudia doesn't know what to say. She tells them she didn't do it and John says they'd like to believe her. God, is everyone an asshole about this?! Nope! Janine jumps in and says she believes Claudia. She says Claudia knew all the material and she's not a cheater. And because their favorite child said she believes her, John and Rioko are on Claudia's side now. Nice to know there's no favoritism in the Kishi family.
John says that they'll go to the principal and talk to him about it, but Claudia says she'd rather handle it herself. Um, no Claudia, your teacher was being unfair and should be called out on that. Rioko tells Claudia that Mr. Zorzi said he'll have to fail Claudia on the test. Hmm! Is he going to fail Shawna too? Oh, my! How could I think something so silly! A teacher at SMS being competent? Who needs to do work when there's dances to plan?! Claudia worries that if she fails this test, she'll have to ace the class to pass it. Because if she fails it, her parents will make her quit the BSC.
After dinner, Janine goes with Claudia to her room and tells her that she'll give her all the help she needs in math class so she doesn't fail it. Claudia laments that she shouldn't fail the test, she got an A-! Janine takes a moment to congratulate Claudia and her kindness towards Claudia always kills me. I can see Claudia disliking Janine if she was a snot about being smarter and constantly put Claud down. But Janine always encourages Claudia and shows her support and is generally a good older sister. It's really all Claudia's fault they're estranged. Well, her parents too. But what I'm getting at is that Ann always tries to paint Janine as the problem when she's really an innocent bystander. Ann...you could by me my dream house and everything on my Amazon wishlist and a basket full of kittens and I would still hate you.
Janine asks Claudia why she didn't defend herself, and Claudia tells her Mr. Zorzi wouldn't listen to her. But he believed Shawna without question. Yup! My guess is when you fill out an application to be a teacher at SMS, they just ask you 1)How do you feel about dances? 2)How often can you chaperone a dance? 3)List all your formal clothes you'd wear to a dance. If Ann had wanted to give George Orwell a run for his money on writing dystopias, I'd say she won. I think even Big Brother would shudder at K. Ron's rules. Comrade Napoleon would be like 'That's a little unfair, Mr. Zorzi.' Stoneybrook is basically a mix of an Orwellian dystopia and the one from Idiocracy.
Chapter 7!
At the BSC meeting, everyone is being a good person for a change and telling Claudia that they believe her and that Mr. Zorzi is a total prick. Ah hahahaha! I'm just kidding! Sweet, sensitive Mary Anne tells Claudia that she'd totally understand if she cheated, she's stupid after all. And of course, when everyone is like 'Don't be a bitch, MA!' she bursts into tears. But other than that, everyone is supportive. Everyone starts talking about how to prove Claud's innocence and um...why has no one thought of a retest? Why has Mr. Zorzi not thought of this? He must own like five suits and a tuxedo to wear to dances if his incredible incompetence was overlooked when he was hired.
They start talking about Shawna and why she would have cheated and then just start gossiping. Which apparently Mary Anne doesn't like. She thinks it's mean.
Do they have like a Newbery award for the 'Most Hypocritical Writer'? Because Ann would sweep those fuckers. Dawn says Shawna's locker is right next to hers and she just happens to know her combination so... Again, Mary Anne is aghast that Dawn would think of breaking into someone's locker for evidence. Oh, sweet, simple Mary Anne. You have no idea just how deviant Dawn is. She scared the ever-loving shit outta you rather than admit she was wrong. She tortured her stepfather because she was mad at you. She screams at people for not living the way she says. Dawn is the least admirable person in a pack of scuzzy scrotums. The decide they'll try to prove Shawna cheated without breaking and entering. Yet.
Chapter 8!
Nope! Don't care about what ever the Hell is going on at the Pikes. I care about cute parents!
Chapter 9!
At school, Claudia is wondering what to do. She sees Shawna walking with her friends and follows them into the bathroom. Luckily, they're actually using the bathroom rather than just checking their make-up or something. As an aside, I never used the bathrooms at school. I did used to say I needed to go to the bathroom, then go play on the swings. Claudia goes into an empty stall and in another bout of luck, they just happen to be talking about Shawna cheating on the test. How easy would this be nowadays? Claudia could just whip out her phone and record their conversation. She's pretty bitchy about it too, saying she doesn't feel guilty because Claudia is a moron who gets bad grades all the time anyways. Somehow Claudia doesn't burst out of the stall and bust their asses. But at least now she knows Shawna did cheat for sure.
When Shawna and her cronies are done playing in the mirror, Claudia exits the bathroom and heads to the cafeteria to tell the BSC what she overheard. They tell her that she should go to Mr. Zorzi and tell him about it but Claud knows what a dick he is and will probably just listen to Shawna again. Go to the principal. Tell him what you overheard. Tell him Mr. Zorzi won't listen to you. I don't care about his membership at Party City, this man should not be teaching! Dawn says now that they know Shawna cheated, they should break into her locker for some solid evidence. K. Ron, smelling that her cult HQ is in jeopardy, she's they're desperate. And desperate times, desperate measures blah blah blah.
Chapter 10!
Do they pass out Newbery Hypocrisy Awards? Because Ann desperately needs one. Because when the BSC is talking about one of Shawna's friends, K. Ron asks if all she does is 'Get perms and shop?' You mean exactly like your treasurer? Oh, Stacey gets a pass because her other interest serves you. You know, every time I go to the doctor, they say my blood pressure is a little high. I think next time I'll just go on a triad about Ann and how much I hate her and what a horrible, horrible writer she is. How-how did she write that?! Every single time Stacey is mentioned, they mention her fucking 'sophisticated' perms! Every fucking single fucking time! The shit I wrote in third grade had more constancy! You could throw typewriter off a building and the writing would be better quality than this shit! Aahhhhhhh!! I'm going insane!!
Anyways! It's time for Operation Locker Heist and Dawn is really into it. See what I mean about her and scuzzy scrotums? Case in point, when she tells Stacey to 'Man her point' Stacey says 'Don't you mean woman?' and Dawn is like 'Bitch, please.' Because it's not like Dawn has ever got up her own as about female equality. No really, she hasn't. She thinks if you don't have a boyfriend, you might as well be dead. That changing every aspect of yourself and what you believe in for a guy is all cool! Just like any true individual, she always thinks for herself! *sobs* I just hate Dawn so much, you guys! I hate her!
They do find a note from one of Shawna's friends congratulating her on her A- and saying that who would have thought 'C.K.' would have the right answers. Claudia feels triumphant but then realises that she can't use the note anyways. Because Mr. Zorzi will ask how she got it. Um, tell him you saw it fall out of her bag or something. If you obtained the note through devious means, no one's gonna know or care if you tell a lie about it. And even if Shawna says that note was in her locker, she still has to explain about cheating. I think the real reason they can't use the note is that Mr. Zorzi is in incompetent moron who would say, 'C.K.? She copied off Candy Kong?! Find that ape!' The level of incompetence Ann puts in her books makes you wonder how she dresses herself. Or you know, breathes.
Part 1!
-Song of the Day!-
Chapter 6!
Claudia is sitting alone in her room thinking about what happened. She's wondering how she can prove her innocence. She listens as her family comes home and worries when she hears the phone ring. When it's time for dinner she goes downstairs and neither of her parents say anything. But as they're eating, Rioko mentions that she got a call from her principal. She asks her what happened and Claudia doesn't know what to say. She tells them she didn't do it and John says they'd like to believe her. God, is everyone an asshole about this?! Nope! Janine jumps in and says she believes Claudia. She says Claudia knew all the material and she's not a cheater. And because their favorite child said she believes her, John and Rioko are on Claudia's side now. Nice to know there's no favoritism in the Kishi family.
John says that they'll go to the principal and talk to him about it, but Claudia says she'd rather handle it herself. Um, no Claudia, your teacher was being unfair and should be called out on that. Rioko tells Claudia that Mr. Zorzi said he'll have to fail Claudia on the test. Hmm! Is he going to fail Shawna too? Oh, my! How could I think something so silly! A teacher at SMS being competent? Who needs to do work when there's dances to plan?! Claudia worries that if she fails this test, she'll have to ace the class to pass it. Because if she fails it, her parents will make her quit the BSC.
After dinner, Janine goes with Claudia to her room and tells her that she'll give her all the help she needs in math class so she doesn't fail it. Claudia laments that she shouldn't fail the test, she got an A-! Janine takes a moment to congratulate Claudia and her kindness towards Claudia always kills me. I can see Claudia disliking Janine if she was a snot about being smarter and constantly put Claud down. But Janine always encourages Claudia and shows her support and is generally a good older sister. It's really all Claudia's fault they're estranged. Well, her parents too. But what I'm getting at is that Ann always tries to paint Janine as the problem when she's really an innocent bystander. Ann...you could by me my dream house and everything on my Amazon wishlist and a basket full of kittens and I would still hate you.
Janine asks Claudia why she didn't defend herself, and Claudia tells her Mr. Zorzi wouldn't listen to her. But he believed Shawna without question. Yup! My guess is when you fill out an application to be a teacher at SMS, they just ask you 1)How do you feel about dances? 2)How often can you chaperone a dance? 3)List all your formal clothes you'd wear to a dance. If Ann had wanted to give George Orwell a run for his money on writing dystopias, I'd say she won. I think even Big Brother would shudder at K. Ron's rules. Comrade Napoleon would be like 'That's a little unfair, Mr. Zorzi.' Stoneybrook is basically a mix of an Orwellian dystopia and the one from Idiocracy.
Chapter 7!
At the BSC meeting, everyone is being a good person for a change and telling Claudia that they believe her and that Mr. Zorzi is a total prick. Ah hahahaha! I'm just kidding! Sweet, sensitive Mary Anne tells Claudia that she'd totally understand if she cheated, she's stupid after all. And of course, when everyone is like 'Don't be a bitch, MA!' she bursts into tears. But other than that, everyone is supportive. Everyone starts talking about how to prove Claud's innocence and um...why has no one thought of a retest? Why has Mr. Zorzi not thought of this? He must own like five suits and a tuxedo to wear to dances if his incredible incompetence was overlooked when he was hired.
They start talking about Shawna and why she would have cheated and then just start gossiping. Which apparently Mary Anne doesn't like. She thinks it's mean.
Do they have like a Newbery award for the 'Most Hypocritical Writer'? Because Ann would sweep those fuckers. Dawn says Shawna's locker is right next to hers and she just happens to know her combination so... Again, Mary Anne is aghast that Dawn would think of breaking into someone's locker for evidence. Oh, sweet, simple Mary Anne. You have no idea just how deviant Dawn is. She scared the ever-loving shit outta you rather than admit she was wrong. She tortured her stepfather because she was mad at you. She screams at people for not living the way she says. Dawn is the least admirable person in a pack of scuzzy scrotums. The decide they'll try to prove Shawna cheated without breaking and entering. Yet.
Chapter 8!
Nope! Don't care about what ever the Hell is going on at the Pikes. I care about cute parents!
Click to viewChapter 9!
At school, Claudia is wondering what to do. She sees Shawna walking with her friends and follows them into the bathroom. Luckily, they're actually using the bathroom rather than just checking their make-up or something. As an aside, I never used the bathrooms at school. I did used to say I needed to go to the bathroom, then go play on the swings. Claudia goes into an empty stall and in another bout of luck, they just happen to be talking about Shawna cheating on the test. How easy would this be nowadays? Claudia could just whip out her phone and record their conversation. She's pretty bitchy about it too, saying she doesn't feel guilty because Claudia is a moron who gets bad grades all the time anyways. Somehow Claudia doesn't burst out of the stall and bust their asses. But at least now she knows Shawna did cheat for sure.
When Shawna and her cronies are done playing in the mirror, Claudia exits the bathroom and heads to the cafeteria to tell the BSC what she overheard. They tell her that she should go to Mr. Zorzi and tell him about it but Claud knows what a dick he is and will probably just listen to Shawna again. Go to the principal. Tell him what you overheard. Tell him Mr. Zorzi won't listen to you. I don't care about his membership at Party City, this man should not be teaching! Dawn says now that they know Shawna cheated, they should break into her locker for some solid evidence. K. Ron, smelling that her cult HQ is in jeopardy, she's they're desperate. And desperate times, desperate measures blah blah blah.
Chapter 10!
Do they pass out Newbery Hypocrisy Awards? Because Ann desperately needs one. Because when the BSC is talking about one of Shawna's friends, K. Ron asks if all she does is 'Get perms and shop?' You mean exactly like your treasurer? Oh, Stacey gets a pass because her other interest serves you. You know, every time I go to the doctor, they say my blood pressure is a little high. I think next time I'll just go on a triad about Ann and how much I hate her and what a horrible, horrible writer she is. How-how did she write that?! Every single time Stacey is mentioned, they mention her fucking 'sophisticated' perms! Every fucking single fucking time! The shit I wrote in third grade had more constancy! You could throw typewriter off a building and the writing would be better quality than this shit! Aahhhhhhh!! I'm going insane!!
Anyways! It's time for Operation Locker Heist and Dawn is really into it. See what I mean about her and scuzzy scrotums? Case in point, when she tells Stacey to 'Man her point' Stacey says 'Don't you mean woman?' and Dawn is like 'Bitch, please.' Because it's not like Dawn has ever got up her own as about female equality. No really, she hasn't. She thinks if you don't have a boyfriend, you might as well be dead. That changing every aspect of yourself and what you believe in for a guy is all cool! Just like any true individual, she always thinks for herself! *sobs* I just hate Dawn so much, you guys! I hate her!
They do find a note from one of Shawna's friends congratulating her on her A- and saying that who would have thought 'C.K.' would have the right answers. Claudia feels triumphant but then realises that she can't use the note anyways. Because Mr. Zorzi will ask how she got it. Um, tell him you saw it fall out of her bag or something. If you obtained the note through devious means, no one's gonna know or care if you tell a lie about it. And even if Shawna says that note was in her locker, she still has to explain about cheating. I think the real reason they can't use the note is that Mr. Zorzi is in incompetent moron who would say, 'C.K.? She copied off Candy Kong?! Find that ape!' The level of incompetence Ann puts in her books makes you wonder how she dresses herself. Or you know, breathes.