BSC #52: MARY ANNE + 2 MANY BABIES OR IT’S AN EGG! A FREAKIN’ EGG! PART 3!
BSC #52: MARY ANNE + 2 MANY BABIES OR IT’S AN EGG! A FREAKIN’ EGG! PART 3!
Hello my peeps! I hope everyone’s enjoying the slightly cooler weather; because the last days were freaking BRUTAL!!!! Today’s much better. This book though, HOLY HELL! THIS GODDAMN THING, THIS MIGHT BE THE ONE THAT BREAKS ME! I KNEW FROM READING OTHER PEOPLE’S SNARKS OF IT THAT IT WAS BAD; BUT I HAD NO IDEA IT WAS THIS BAD!!
But I’ll power through, I’m already at the frickin’ halfway point! Might as well. So, if everyone’s ready…
LET’S DO THE DAMN THING!
Chapter 7:
Mary Anne says that she and Logan named her bastard egg offspring; although there was a hissy fit over it. She wanted, what the fuck else? Tara; and he wanted Sally, which she felt was much too plain. They decided on Samantha; or Sammie for short. Great, that’s one of my niece’s names and also my cousin’s. Plus, one of my friends. FUCKING HELL, WHY DOES AN EGG HAVE TO SHARE THEIR NAME? AND WHAT WAS WRONG WITH NAMING THE EGG SHELDON, ANYWAY?
Anyway, they fix up a wicker basket with pink fabric scraps and paint pink flowers on her shell with food coloring and a gigantic S as well. Logan ends up taking the egg Sammie home almost every day and carries her around school; because even though this is the same asshole who feared getting teased for living in a girl’s bedroom, carrying an egg around all the time isn’t the fucking same!
Mary Anne refers to Logan as a ‘natural father’ and I straight up threw up in my mouth a little, y’all. SEE, IT’S SHIT LIKE THIS THAT LEADS TO STUPID REALITY SHOWS AND SHITTY PORN! WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY SMOKING WHEN THEY CAME UP WITH THIS STORYLINE? ONCE AGAIN, MARKET THAT SHIT TO THE MASS PUBLIC; YOU’LL MAKE A FUCKTON MORE MONEY THAN WRITING THESE SHITTY BOOKS!
Of course, there comes a day when Logan can’t take the egg. He has to take his brother and sister to the park that afternoon and he doesn’t want Sammie ‘to get too much sun.’
Ok, I get that they don’t want the egg to spoil or anything; BUT IT’S A FUCKING EGG! TAKE IT TO THE PARK WITH YOU, OR PUT IT IN THE FRIDGE AND SAY SHE’S AT A FAMILY REUNION! PROBLEM SOLVED! Well, it may be solved; but sadly; the BATSHIT INSANITY DOESN’T FUCKING STOP THERE!
No joke, Mary Anne says that she doesn’t have a problem taking the egg with her because she’s babysitting for the Salem twins; and IT’LL BE EASIER FOR HER TO TAKE CARE OF THREE INFANTS RATHER THAN LOGAN CARE FOR ONE INFANT AND TWO KIDS! BECAUSE HOW MUCH HARDER THAN THREE BABIES BE THAN TWO?
THIS IS ME RIGHT NOW!
BULLET POINT TIME AGAIN!
· FIRST, SAMMIE’S A FUCKING EGG! ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS POP HER IN THE FRIDGE AND SAY YOU FOUND A SITTER! OR HOW ABOUT THIS; YOU WORK AT A BABY-SITTING CLUB! GET ONE OF THE OTHER GIRLS TO WATCH THE FUCKING EGG!
· SECOND, THREE INFANTS AREN’T HARDER THAN TWO?
· THIRD, SHE’S NOT AN INFANT! SHE’S AN EGG! SHE DOESN’T MOVE AT ALL! YOU CAN LITERALLY PLOP HER IN THE BASKET AND NOT TOUCH HER AT ALL! ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS MAKE SURE SHE DOESN’T CRACK!!
Of course, Nimrod figures that out once she’s at the babysitting job and it’s GLORIOUS!
Ricky wakes up crying, because OH NOES! A BABY DARE TO WAKE UP CRANKY! AND SHE HAS TO LEAVE SAMMIE’S ‘BOTTLE FEEDING’ AND GO GET HIM! PLUS, BITCH ACTUALLY APOLOGIZES TO THE DAMN EGG THAT SHE CAN’T FINISH HER BOTTLE. SO, CRAZY BITCH IS SITTING STARING AT THE EGG; PANTOMIMING GIVING HER A BOTTLE!
Mary Anne goes on to say if Sammie was real; she’d have to feed her and go get Ricky; it’s bad enough she actually has to take the egg with her. And you’re not special bitch; manys a parent that had to do before and for the love of God; JUST LEAVE THE DAMN EGG IN THE BASKET ON THE TABLE! ACT LIKE SAMMIE’S TAKING A NAP IN HER CRIB OR SOMETHING, FUCKING HELL!
She gets to the twin’s room and poor Ricky’s crying over the fact he has such a fucking moronic sitter watching him. Then Rose wakes up and instead of freaking out over handling two screaming babies; what’s Mary Anne more worried about? THE MOTHERFUCKING EGG THAT SHE LEFT ON THE CHANGING TABLE; BECAUSE YOU CAN’T LEAVE AN INFANT ALONE ON A CHANGING TABLE! FUCKING HELL WOMAN, CALM THE FUCK DOWN! IT’S AN EGG IN A BASKET, IT’S NOT GOING ANYWHERE! UNLESS THE EGG SUDDENLY SPROUTS LEGS; IT’S NOT LIKELY TO LEAP OFF THE TABLE! But if that wasn’t batshit enough; HOW’S SHE SUPPOSED TO FEED THE TWINS AND HER DEMON EGG SPAWN?
WELL SINCE BOYDEN TOLD YOU THAT YOU DON’T REALLY HAVE TO FEED A FUCKING EGG; YOU FEED THE REAL BABIES YOU NEED TOO AND THEN SAY YOU FED THE EGG! BUT NOOOO! THIS NUTCAKE DECIDES THE TWINS CAN HOLD THEIR OWN BOTTLES SO SHE CAN FAKE-FEED A FUCKING EGG!
I THINK IF I LEFT MY TWIN BABIES ALONE WITH A SITTER AND I CAME HOME TO THEM BEING IGNORED FOR A FUCKING EGG OF ALL THINGS; THAT SITTER WOULD BE MEETING MY FOOT IN THEIR ASS! AND THESE BITCHES ARE SUPPOSED TO BE ‘AMAZING SITTERS’? HOW THE FUCK DO THEY STILL EVEN GET JOBS; I’M SURPRISED THAT NO ONE’S SHUT THIS SHIT DOWN ALREADY!
Anyway, the twins holding their own bottles doesn’t fucking work; probably because the babies know they’re being neglected in favor of a fucking egg and MUNITY-ED! Nutcake FUCKING FINALLY puts the egg down and feeds both babies. Afterwards; she decides to change their clothes; because God Forbid a baby wear a wrinkled T-Shirt and a diaper! Of course, the babies cry when they get changed and dumbass thinks it’s because they’re getting sick. Ok, as if this wasn’t fucking STUPID enough line on its own; SHE FUCKING SAID ALREADY THAT SOME BABIES DON’T LIKE HAVING THEIR DIAPERS CHANGED! GODDAMNITT PEOPLE; REMEMBER THE FUCKING SHIT YOU WROTE CHAPTERS AGO! PLUS, MARY ANNE; SWEETIE:
RICKY PROBABLY UNDERSTANDS THAT HIS MOTHER HAS LEFT HIM AND HIS SISTER ALONE WITH A FUCKING NUTBALL AND HE’S MOST LIKELY TERRIFIED THAT THEY’RE STUCK WITH YOU FOREVER!
After MA fucking snots some more that the kids aren’t as fucking sunshine and rainbows as last time; she decides to take them for a walk again. But first, NEW CLOTHES! She pulls out for Rose; ‘a white ruffled dress with matching panties and a hat, and her pink shoes’; and for Ricky; ‘a frog jumpsuit with a matching shirt and hat, and his tiny high-topped sneakers.’ So basically something like these:
ALL FOR A FUCKING WALK! JUST PUT SOME PANTS ON THEM AND THEY’LL BE FINE!!
And of course, the kids throw a massive tantrum; NOT THAT I FUCKING BLAME THEM AT THIS POINT!! Anyway, Mary Anne dresses them in just T-Shirts, pants and socks. THERE, WAS THAT SO FUCKING HARD; NIMROD?! Then she takes them out in the double stroller and hangs Sammie’s basket over the handles. Now Mary Anne’s happy because the twins are happy and she didn’t neglect SAMMIE too much! Yea, because watching the egg is the job you’re actually getting paid to fucking do. Forget the twins; THE NON-EATING, NON-CRYING, NEEDS OF A FUCKING EGG IS WAYY MORE IMPORTANT!!! JESUS CHRIST!
Then the kids start acting like normal kids; moving around and Ricky actually reaches over to grab a flower stem and HOW THE HELL DID HE DO IT? DOES SHE NOT HAVE HIM STRAPPED IN AT ALL; THIS SEEMS DANGEROUS!! GOOD GOD WOMAN, STOP PAYING ATTENTION TO A DAMN EGG AND ACTUALLY DO YOUR FUCKING JOB!!
After the job; Mary Anne’s talking to Dawn about the whole thing and how hard it was for her to be sitting for three infants and how most people only care for one baby at a time and not three and …….
I DON’T KNOW HOW MANY MORE TIMES I CAN SAY THAT!
And to top it off? These dopey fucking bitches actually still want to hide Sharon’s birth control in order to have a little brother or sister!
Then they spend time looking through the baby section of a store magazine. It’s probably not as good as the Sears catalog or the Warner Brothers one, though! The chapter ends with their parents coming home to catch them and tell them again that there ain’t no way they’re having a fucking baby! Especially seeing how the ones they already have turned out so fucking well!
Chapter 8:
It’s time for another BSC meeting and this time; three of them bring their demon eggs! And Mary Anne actually refers to the eggs as eggs;
Anyhoo.. Stacey brought her ‘son’ Bobby who lives in a mixing bowl which is FUCKING HILARIOUS if you really think about it! I guess this makes Stacey the Joan Crawford of the egg baby world. And surprisingly, SHE ACTUALLY KNOWS WHO HER BABY’S DADDY IS!! I SO DIDN’T SEE THAT COMING; I WOULD’VE THOUGHT BOYDEN WOULD’VE HAD TO HOST HER OWN VERSION OF MAURY TO FIGURE THAT SHIT OUT! Anyway, Austin Bentley’s the baby daddy; Claudia’s egg is over at its ‘father’s’ house; probably because the dude already knew she’d fucking either eat the thing or use it in an art project and K-Ron has Izzy. PLAYDATE, BITCHES!!!
The eggs are perched on Claudia’s dresser; in their separate environments and there’s pillows all over the floor, just in case one of them decides to end it all and take a flying leap! Not that I’d blame them, really! Mal asks why the fuck the babies don’t sit on the floor with her and Jessi and K-Ron tells her that she better know her fucking place and not ask that shit again; that the floor’s too ‘drafty’ for egg fetuses.
Then Jessi asks how everyone’s doing and Mary Anne starts to weep over Logan hogging Sammie and how she hasn’t been able to be a mother to a fucking egg since the day she’s babysat for the ‘Tragedy Twins’.
SERIOUSLY BITCH? FUCKING SERIOUSLY? TWO BABIES ACTING LIKE FREAKING BABIES ARE TRAGEDY TWINS? BUT KAREN, FUCKING KAREN WITH HER GHOST STORIES, WITCH BULLSHIT AND CONSTANT PAIN IN THE ASSERY IS FUCKING FINE? FUCKING WHAT?!
Stacey asks her why the fuck she wants to spend so much time with a fucking egg in the first place and FUCKING THANK YOU!! LOGIC, FINALLY! Of course, this gets thrown right out of the fucking window because Mary Anne starts whining that Sammie is her daughter and Stacey’s basically like this right now:
Stacey actually has a good thing going with Austin; they each take him half the time. However, she fucking loses her grip on goddamn reality too; because she talks about how she took the fucking egg in the goddamn mixing bow around the mall; looking at baby clothes and was unhappy that she didn’t have time to look at the crap she wanted to!
But, doesn’t she know that shopping for the egg fetus IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING EVER! SO IS BEING AN EGG PARENT! WE MUST NEGLECT OUR LIVES AND CLIENTS IN ORDER TO MAKE SURE THE EGG DOESN’T WANT FOR FUCKING ANYTHING!
Mary Anne’s still pissed that Logan’s hogging the damn egg; which leads to the only two members that can actually understand being a parent; because God knows they’ve been parenting their sibs since they were wee ones; FUCKING LAUGHING THEIR ASSES OFF!
But then Claudia says; they couldn’t possibly understand being a parent; they don’t have egg offspring! AND FUCKING REALLY? MAL’S BEEN RAISING HER SIBS SINCE SHE WAS FUCKING SIX YEARS OLD AND JESSI WAS LEFT BEHIND FOR THE WEEKEND WITH HERS! THESE ARE THE ONLY FUCKING MEMBERS THAT KNOW SOMEWHAT WHAT’S LIKE TO BE PARENTS THEMSELVES, SO FUCK YOU YOU GODDAMN, ARTY FUCK!
Then there’s some bullshit about Izzy’s shell going bad and EWWW! THEY REALLY NEED TO CARRY AROUND STINKY EGGS FOR A MONTH? I WOULD SOOO BE FAILING THIS CLASS; I HATE EGGS AND THE SMELL MAKES ME GAG! Whatever, I don’t care. There’s more batshit insanity afoot!
The junior members ask what it’s like to be ‘married’
And JUST FUCKING ASK YOUR PARENTS! THESE BITCHES AREN’T REALLY FUCKING MARRIED, THEY’RE NOT EVEN IN A SERIOUS ENOUGH RELATIONSHIP TO BE CONSIDERED MARRIED!
But, they still answer the question; and it makes my eyes roll back so fucking hard, I nearly flipped backwards in my chair! They say that communication and agreeing on stuff is important and Jessi’s all, ‘What about the love?” And since all of these bitches got married in a mass fucking wedding in a classroom; I GIVE FUCK ALL ABOUT WHAT THEIR VIEWS ON MARRIAGE ARE!
Then Logan calls and it’s really just to be a pain in the ass about how warm Claudia’s room is and if Sammie will get a cold and
IT’S A FUCKING EGG IT’S A FUCKING EGG IT’S A FUCKING EGG IT’S A FUCKING EGG IT’S A FUCKING EGG IT’S A FUCKING EGG IT’S A FUCKING EGG
Mal says that at least the month will be over soon; because if this was real, it’ll be harder. She says that if her mom had been in school while pregnant with Claire; she’d have to drop out.
K-Ron, totally fucking forgetting that Mal was once considered a Pike kid and not a Pike replacement parent; totally says that her mom had it harder because they were SIX other Pike brats running around. Oh, that’s nice. Mal was used as child care from when she was in fucking diapers; that’s just great! RUN AWAY MAL, AS FAST AS YOU FUCKING CAN!
Mal says it doesn’t matter anyway, because pregnancy can make a woman tired; because after the baby’s born, you’re even more tired and Mary Anne just pooh-poohs that shit; because Sharon wouldn’t have to worry about any of that shit! her and Dawn can handle everything and I NEED A FUCKING DRINK!
Chapter 9:
Stacey babysits for some kids that are in Karen’s class and the boy happens to have the same name as her egg fetus. Wackiness ensues, leading Stacey to call her fake husband to take the kid and she wonders if her mom ever gets scared if something were to happen to her and she couldn’t do anything? Also, Stacey decides to wait until she’s ‘really old’ to have a real baby. USE A CONDOM, ALL I’M SAYING!
Since that was short; here’s something better:
That’s it for now kids! Tomorrow, I should be wrapping this piece of crap up and then they’ll be another vote on the next snark! Thanks for reading and I’ll see you soon!
Hello my peeps! I hope everyone’s enjoying the slightly cooler weather; because the last days were freaking BRUTAL!!!! Today’s much better. This book though, HOLY HELL! THIS GODDAMN THING, THIS MIGHT BE THE ONE THAT BREAKS ME! I KNEW FROM READING OTHER PEOPLE’S SNARKS OF IT THAT IT WAS BAD; BUT I HAD NO IDEA IT WAS THIS BAD!!
But I’ll power through, I’m already at the frickin’ halfway point! Might as well. So, if everyone’s ready…
LET’S DO THE DAMN THING!
Chapter 7:
Mary Anne says that she and Logan named her bastard egg offspring; although there was a hissy fit over it. She wanted, what the fuck else? Tara; and he wanted Sally, which she felt was much too plain. They decided on Samantha; or Sammie for short. Great, that’s one of my niece’s names and also my cousin’s. Plus, one of my friends. FUCKING HELL, WHY DOES AN EGG HAVE TO SHARE THEIR NAME? AND WHAT WAS WRONG WITH NAMING THE EGG SHELDON, ANYWAY?
Anyway, they fix up a wicker basket with pink fabric scraps and paint pink flowers on her shell with food coloring and a gigantic S as well. Logan ends up taking the egg Sammie home almost every day and carries her around school; because even though this is the same asshole who feared getting teased for living in a girl’s bedroom, carrying an egg around all the time isn’t the fucking same!
Mary Anne refers to Logan as a ‘natural father’ and I straight up threw up in my mouth a little, y’all. SEE, IT’S SHIT LIKE THIS THAT LEADS TO STUPID REALITY SHOWS AND SHITTY PORN! WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY SMOKING WHEN THEY CAME UP WITH THIS STORYLINE? ONCE AGAIN, MARKET THAT SHIT TO THE MASS PUBLIC; YOU’LL MAKE A FUCKTON MORE MONEY THAN WRITING THESE SHITTY BOOKS!
Of course, there comes a day when Logan can’t take the egg. He has to take his brother and sister to the park that afternoon and he doesn’t want Sammie ‘to get too much sun.’
Ok, I get that they don’t want the egg to spoil or anything; BUT IT’S A FUCKING EGG! TAKE IT TO THE PARK WITH YOU, OR PUT IT IN THE FRIDGE AND SAY SHE’S AT A FAMILY REUNION! PROBLEM SOLVED! Well, it may be solved; but sadly; the BATSHIT INSANITY DOESN’T FUCKING STOP THERE!
No joke, Mary Anne says that she doesn’t have a problem taking the egg with her because she’s babysitting for the Salem twins; and IT’LL BE EASIER FOR HER TO TAKE CARE OF THREE INFANTS RATHER THAN LOGAN CARE FOR ONE INFANT AND TWO KIDS! BECAUSE HOW MUCH HARDER THAN THREE BABIES BE THAN TWO?
THIS IS ME RIGHT NOW!
BULLET POINT TIME AGAIN!
· FIRST, SAMMIE’S A FUCKING EGG! ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS POP HER IN THE FRIDGE AND SAY YOU FOUND A SITTER! OR HOW ABOUT THIS; YOU WORK AT A BABY-SITTING CLUB! GET ONE OF THE OTHER GIRLS TO WATCH THE FUCKING EGG!
· SECOND, THREE INFANTS AREN’T HARDER THAN TWO?
· THIRD, SHE’S NOT AN INFANT! SHE’S AN EGG! SHE DOESN’T MOVE AT ALL! YOU CAN LITERALLY PLOP HER IN THE BASKET AND NOT TOUCH HER AT ALL! ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS MAKE SURE SHE DOESN’T CRACK!!
Of course, Nimrod figures that out once she’s at the babysitting job and it’s GLORIOUS!
Ricky wakes up crying, because OH NOES! A BABY DARE TO WAKE UP CRANKY! AND SHE HAS TO LEAVE SAMMIE’S ‘BOTTLE FEEDING’ AND GO GET HIM! PLUS, BITCH ACTUALLY APOLOGIZES TO THE DAMN EGG THAT SHE CAN’T FINISH HER BOTTLE. SO, CRAZY BITCH IS SITTING STARING AT THE EGG; PANTOMIMING GIVING HER A BOTTLE!
Mary Anne goes on to say if Sammie was real; she’d have to feed her and go get Ricky; it’s bad enough she actually has to take the egg with her. And you’re not special bitch; manys a parent that had to do before and for the love of God; JUST LEAVE THE DAMN EGG IN THE BASKET ON THE TABLE! ACT LIKE SAMMIE’S TAKING A NAP IN HER CRIB OR SOMETHING, FUCKING HELL!
She gets to the twin’s room and poor Ricky’s crying over the fact he has such a fucking moronic sitter watching him. Then Rose wakes up and instead of freaking out over handling two screaming babies; what’s Mary Anne more worried about? THE MOTHERFUCKING EGG THAT SHE LEFT ON THE CHANGING TABLE; BECAUSE YOU CAN’T LEAVE AN INFANT ALONE ON A CHANGING TABLE! FUCKING HELL WOMAN, CALM THE FUCK DOWN! IT’S AN EGG IN A BASKET, IT’S NOT GOING ANYWHERE! UNLESS THE EGG SUDDENLY SPROUTS LEGS; IT’S NOT LIKELY TO LEAP OFF THE TABLE! But if that wasn’t batshit enough; HOW’S SHE SUPPOSED TO FEED THE TWINS AND HER DEMON EGG SPAWN?
WELL SINCE BOYDEN TOLD YOU THAT YOU DON’T REALLY HAVE TO FEED A FUCKING EGG; YOU FEED THE REAL BABIES YOU NEED TOO AND THEN SAY YOU FED THE EGG! BUT NOOOO! THIS NUTCAKE DECIDES THE TWINS CAN HOLD THEIR OWN BOTTLES SO SHE CAN FAKE-FEED A FUCKING EGG!
I THINK IF I LEFT MY TWIN BABIES ALONE WITH A SITTER AND I CAME HOME TO THEM BEING IGNORED FOR A FUCKING EGG OF ALL THINGS; THAT SITTER WOULD BE MEETING MY FOOT IN THEIR ASS! AND THESE BITCHES ARE SUPPOSED TO BE ‘AMAZING SITTERS’? HOW THE FUCK DO THEY STILL EVEN GET JOBS; I’M SURPRISED THAT NO ONE’S SHUT THIS SHIT DOWN ALREADY!
Anyway, the twins holding their own bottles doesn’t fucking work; probably because the babies know they’re being neglected in favor of a fucking egg and MUNITY-ED! Nutcake FUCKING FINALLY puts the egg down and feeds both babies. Afterwards; she decides to change their clothes; because God Forbid a baby wear a wrinkled T-Shirt and a diaper! Of course, the babies cry when they get changed and dumbass thinks it’s because they’re getting sick. Ok, as if this wasn’t fucking STUPID enough line on its own; SHE FUCKING SAID ALREADY THAT SOME BABIES DON’T LIKE HAVING THEIR DIAPERS CHANGED! GODDAMNITT PEOPLE; REMEMBER THE FUCKING SHIT YOU WROTE CHAPTERS AGO! PLUS, MARY ANNE; SWEETIE:
RICKY PROBABLY UNDERSTANDS THAT HIS MOTHER HAS LEFT HIM AND HIS SISTER ALONE WITH A FUCKING NUTBALL AND HE’S MOST LIKELY TERRIFIED THAT THEY’RE STUCK WITH YOU FOREVER!
After MA fucking snots some more that the kids aren’t as fucking sunshine and rainbows as last time; she decides to take them for a walk again. But first, NEW CLOTHES! She pulls out for Rose; ‘a white ruffled dress with matching panties and a hat, and her pink shoes’; and for Ricky; ‘a frog jumpsuit with a matching shirt and hat, and his tiny high-topped sneakers.’ So basically something like these:
ALL FOR A FUCKING WALK! JUST PUT SOME PANTS ON THEM AND THEY’LL BE FINE!!
And of course, the kids throw a massive tantrum; NOT THAT I FUCKING BLAME THEM AT THIS POINT!! Anyway, Mary Anne dresses them in just T-Shirts, pants and socks. THERE, WAS THAT SO FUCKING HARD; NIMROD?! Then she takes them out in the double stroller and hangs Sammie’s basket over the handles. Now Mary Anne’s happy because the twins are happy and she didn’t neglect SAMMIE too much! Yea, because watching the egg is the job you’re actually getting paid to fucking do. Forget the twins; THE NON-EATING, NON-CRYING, NEEDS OF A FUCKING EGG IS WAYY MORE IMPORTANT!!! JESUS CHRIST!
Then the kids start acting like normal kids; moving around and Ricky actually reaches over to grab a flower stem and HOW THE HELL DID HE DO IT? DOES SHE NOT HAVE HIM STRAPPED IN AT ALL; THIS SEEMS DANGEROUS!! GOOD GOD WOMAN, STOP PAYING ATTENTION TO A DAMN EGG AND ACTUALLY DO YOUR FUCKING JOB!!
After the job; Mary Anne’s talking to Dawn about the whole thing and how hard it was for her to be sitting for three infants and how most people only care for one baby at a time and not three and …….
I DON’T KNOW HOW MANY MORE TIMES I CAN SAY THAT!
And to top it off? These dopey fucking bitches actually still want to hide Sharon’s birth control in order to have a little brother or sister!
Then they spend time looking through the baby section of a store magazine. It’s probably not as good as the Sears catalog or the Warner Brothers one, though! The chapter ends with their parents coming home to catch them and tell them again that there ain’t no way they’re having a fucking baby! Especially seeing how the ones they already have turned out so fucking well!
Chapter 8:
It’s time for another BSC meeting and this time; three of them bring their demon eggs! And Mary Anne actually refers to the eggs as eggs;
Anyhoo.. Stacey brought her ‘son’ Bobby who lives in a mixing bowl which is FUCKING HILARIOUS if you really think about it! I guess this makes Stacey the Joan Crawford of the egg baby world. And surprisingly, SHE ACTUALLY KNOWS WHO HER BABY’S DADDY IS!! I SO DIDN’T SEE THAT COMING; I WOULD’VE THOUGHT BOYDEN WOULD’VE HAD TO HOST HER OWN VERSION OF MAURY TO FIGURE THAT SHIT OUT! Anyway, Austin Bentley’s the baby daddy; Claudia’s egg is over at its ‘father’s’ house; probably because the dude already knew she’d fucking either eat the thing or use it in an art project and K-Ron has Izzy. PLAYDATE, BITCHES!!!
The eggs are perched on Claudia’s dresser; in their separate environments and there’s pillows all over the floor, just in case one of them decides to end it all and take a flying leap! Not that I’d blame them, really! Mal asks why the fuck the babies don’t sit on the floor with her and Jessi and K-Ron tells her that she better know her fucking place and not ask that shit again; that the floor’s too ‘drafty’ for egg fetuses.
Then Jessi asks how everyone’s doing and Mary Anne starts to weep over Logan hogging Sammie and how she hasn’t been able to be a mother to a fucking egg since the day she’s babysat for the ‘Tragedy Twins’.
SERIOUSLY BITCH? FUCKING SERIOUSLY? TWO BABIES ACTING LIKE FREAKING BABIES ARE TRAGEDY TWINS? BUT KAREN, FUCKING KAREN WITH HER GHOST STORIES, WITCH BULLSHIT AND CONSTANT PAIN IN THE ASSERY IS FUCKING FINE? FUCKING WHAT?!
Stacey asks her why the fuck she wants to spend so much time with a fucking egg in the first place and FUCKING THANK YOU!! LOGIC, FINALLY! Of course, this gets thrown right out of the fucking window because Mary Anne starts whining that Sammie is her daughter and Stacey’s basically like this right now:
Stacey actually has a good thing going with Austin; they each take him half the time. However, she fucking loses her grip on goddamn reality too; because she talks about how she took the fucking egg in the goddamn mixing bow around the mall; looking at baby clothes and was unhappy that she didn’t have time to look at the crap she wanted to!
Click to viewBut, doesn’t she know that shopping for the egg fetus IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING EVER! SO IS BEING AN EGG PARENT! WE MUST NEGLECT OUR LIVES AND CLIENTS IN ORDER TO MAKE SURE THE EGG DOESN’T WANT FOR FUCKING ANYTHING!
Mary Anne’s still pissed that Logan’s hogging the damn egg; which leads to the only two members that can actually understand being a parent; because God knows they’ve been parenting their sibs since they were wee ones; FUCKING LAUGHING THEIR ASSES OFF!
But then Claudia says; they couldn’t possibly understand being a parent; they don’t have egg offspring! AND FUCKING REALLY? MAL’S BEEN RAISING HER SIBS SINCE SHE WAS FUCKING SIX YEARS OLD AND JESSI WAS LEFT BEHIND FOR THE WEEKEND WITH HERS! THESE ARE THE ONLY FUCKING MEMBERS THAT KNOW SOMEWHAT WHAT’S LIKE TO BE PARENTS THEMSELVES, SO FUCK YOU YOU GODDAMN, ARTY FUCK!
Then there’s some bullshit about Izzy’s shell going bad and EWWW! THEY REALLY NEED TO CARRY AROUND STINKY EGGS FOR A MONTH? I WOULD SOOO BE FAILING THIS CLASS; I HATE EGGS AND THE SMELL MAKES ME GAG! Whatever, I don’t care. There’s more batshit insanity afoot!
The junior members ask what it’s like to be ‘married’
And JUST FUCKING ASK YOUR PARENTS! THESE BITCHES AREN’T REALLY FUCKING MARRIED, THEY’RE NOT EVEN IN A SERIOUS ENOUGH RELATIONSHIP TO BE CONSIDERED MARRIED!
But, they still answer the question; and it makes my eyes roll back so fucking hard, I nearly flipped backwards in my chair! They say that communication and agreeing on stuff is important and Jessi’s all, ‘What about the love?” And since all of these bitches got married in a mass fucking wedding in a classroom; I GIVE FUCK ALL ABOUT WHAT THEIR VIEWS ON MARRIAGE ARE!
Then Logan calls and it’s really just to be a pain in the ass about how warm Claudia’s room is and if Sammie will get a cold and
IT’S A FUCKING EGG IT’S A FUCKING EGG IT’S A FUCKING EGG IT’S A FUCKING EGG IT’S A FUCKING EGG IT’S A FUCKING EGG IT’S A FUCKING EGG
Mal says that at least the month will be over soon; because if this was real, it’ll be harder. She says that if her mom had been in school while pregnant with Claire; she’d have to drop out.
K-Ron, totally fucking forgetting that Mal was once considered a Pike kid and not a Pike replacement parent; totally says that her mom had it harder because they were SIX other Pike brats running around. Oh, that’s nice. Mal was used as child care from when she was in fucking diapers; that’s just great! RUN AWAY MAL, AS FAST AS YOU FUCKING CAN!
Mal says it doesn’t matter anyway, because pregnancy can make a woman tired; because after the baby’s born, you’re even more tired and Mary Anne just pooh-poohs that shit; because Sharon wouldn’t have to worry about any of that shit! her and Dawn can handle everything and I NEED A FUCKING DRINK!
Chapter 9:
Stacey babysits for some kids that are in Karen’s class and the boy happens to have the same name as her egg fetus. Wackiness ensues, leading Stacey to call her fake husband to take the kid and she wonders if her mom ever gets scared if something were to happen to her and she couldn’t do anything? Also, Stacey decides to wait until she’s ‘really old’ to have a real baby. USE A CONDOM, ALL I’M SAYING!
Since that was short; here’s something better:
That’s it for now kids! Tomorrow, I should be wrapping this piece of crap up and then they’ll be another vote on the next snark! Thanks for reading and I’ll see you soon!