Mallory and the Trouble with Twins! Part The End!
I was so restless the other day and today was no better. I kept feeling like I should be being productive but nothing seemed enjoyable. I wanted to sew but just ended up spooling all my embroidery thread. I wanted to draw but did nothing. Finally I realised what I really wanted to do. I wanted to snark. So, here we are. And man, I gotta do something about my hand cramps soon. Between snarking and drawing I can barely flex my fingers. I promise to get it checked out so that I can continue to entertain y'all. Well, let's go!
Part 1! Part 2!
-Song of the Day!-
Chapter 11!
Mal goes to sit for the twins again and I'm a little surprised they're in jumpsuits. It just seems like Linda likes to put them in super frou-frou dresses and not have them in pants. And how come the BSC isn't calling them brats for wearing dresses? Isn't that a whippable offense? Anyways, the girls show Mal the stuff they got from their relatives, which of course, are all identical presents. Because even their family doesn't know shit about them. They tell Mal that the gifts they like best were the ones she gave them. I know it's ridiculous that only Mal thought of getting them separate gifts, but I'm happy she has this small victory.
They tell Mal that they felt like Mal actually knew them and what they liked and that's just sad. Because when you think about it, the gifts that they got, besides being identical, were really generic too. I have to wonder, do the girls ever make wish lists? I always showed my mum exactly what I wanted for my birthday/Christmas. She would get me some surprises too, but she knew me well enough to know what I liked. Well, except the times she got me baby dolls and they were immediately relegated to the closet. And well, one she actually bought herself and pretended it was for me. My point is, a parent should know their kid well enough to know what they like and don't like. Do you think Linda even knows the twins favourite colours? Or animal? Probably not. Shove her in an alligator moat.
Mal mentions that she has triple the brats at her house and the twins ask her why she thought they were so cute then? That being called cute was why they decided to act up for baby-sitters. Mal says she said it because they are cute. The twins are like, 'Oh! We didn't understand!' Uh, understand what? Exactly what was cleared up in Mal saying they are cute? 'You're cute!' 'How dare you!' 'You're actually cute!' 'Well, okay then!' Are kids always this confusing or is this just a Stoneybrook thing? Or does it have to do with Ann never meeting a kid in her life? Like, even when she was a kid she went to some knitting circle in a retirement home for crazy people instead of school.
Mal says the girls should talk to their mother about dressing differently. She asks how they would dress if they were allowed to pick their own clothes and Marilyn wants to dress 'more grown up' and Carolyn wants to dress 'cool'. Just don't look to Stacey and Claudia for tips on how to be cool. They ask Mal if she'll help them talk to their mom and she agrees. But when she's waiting for Linda to come home, she thinks what right does she have to tell a parent how to raise their kids? This is only Mal's second book, so I'll forgive her not knowing that the BSC raises all the kids in the 'Brook. Besides, this is probably one of the few times an intervention was actually needed.
When Linda gets home, Mal asks if they can have a talk. The girls tell her about how they have different tastes and how everyone treats them like they're the same person. One of the things that always bugged me, is when Marilyn says maybe by looking different, the kids at school will make an effort to get to know them and Mal thinks, 'Good line.' I just hate that she calls it a 'line' when it's how she's feeling. I dunno, it just always made me mad at her.
Linda says she thought they liked wearing the same things, which is true they did. But where does treating them like one person fall in there, huh? She also says picking out the same things is 'easy' and how fucking lazy can you get? Well, I'm glad treating your kids like a single entity wasn't hard on you, Linda. And she says that because she liked how they looked, they must've too. Way to project there, mother of the year. The girls ask if they can pick out their own clothes and style their hair and she agrees. Mal asks if she can take them on a shopping spree for new clothes and uh, Mal? You did your job. Kinda time to butt out. I would think that an important shopping trip like that would be something their mother would want to be involved with. Oh, wait. This is Stoneybrook. Where parents call a sitter when they go the the food library.
Chapter 12!
Mal thinks that that went well, and she should talk to her parents about dressing how she likes rather than moping around. And here is where Mal is a fucking moron. She was really just pouting and dropping hints and never once brought up the fact that she'd like a say in her wardrobe or get a decent haircut or anything?! You expected to just say 'I'm such a baby!' and they'd be like 'Well, we'd better let you pierce your ears!' God, Mal is fucking stupid. She also thinks that she's brilliant for coming up with this idea rather than the correct answer, common fucking sense.
Anyways, it's time to suck up, so Mal mothers the apes, cleans the kitchen, and makes after dinner coffee. She asks Ma and Pa if she can talk to them and they're like 'Well, now we know why you were sucking up.' And she thinks they're wizards rather than the correct answer, common fucking sense. Mal's kinda bad at that, ain't she? She says that she wants a new wardrobe, a haircut, pierced ears, and contact lenses. Her parents look at her like she's crazy so she goes to plan B-pity. She whines about how she's a baby and a freak and how much do you bet Ann laughed while she wrote that? She probably peed herself laughing.
They tell her that they can't afford a new wardrobe and that she's too young for contacts, but they don't see why she can't get her haircut. If she pays for half. Really? Really?! You really can't pay for a full haircut?! It's like $15! And this was the 80s! It was probably less than that! And do they never get her hair cut?! My mom grew my hair out as long as she could, but I still went in for trims! Can you imagine how dry Mal's hair is?! And the split ends?! No wonder she wants a change! She's fucking Oliver Twist! Why does Mal have no say in what she does with her hair?! I never realised how unfair the Pikes treat her! They give her all the responsibility of raising her siblings but she can't say how she wants her hair cut or pick out her own clothes?! Good Lord, does Ann hate her! Anyways, they also say she can get her ears pierced to and that she can spend her own money on clothes. How magnanimous. I remember thinking she was a total baby because I had my ears pierced at a few months old. Mexicans. And she calls studs 'dots'. Moron.
Chapter 13!
Ah, yes. One of the two chapters that make this book worth it. It's time for Mal to take the twins shopping and my mom wouldn't have let me alone at the mall at 8 with just an 11 year old to watch me. Maybe because she loved me and liked spending time with me. The girls are dressed in different clothes and say that everyone has been trying to tell them apart at school. I have to wonder, did they have any real friends in school? They said that no one could tell them apart and just called them 'Marilyn or Carolyn' so, I'm thinking they didn't. The kids that were invited to their birthday party were probably just the girls in their class. That's really sad when you think about it.
Linda drops them off at the mall and oh, yeah! Shopping time! And hurr de hurr hurr! The girls are excited to use the escalator! Shut up, Ann! I practically lived at the mall! I didn't get fucking excited at the escalator at age eight. I didn't get excited about an escalator at age five. You know, if you don't know shit about kids, maybe don't write books for children. She also uses the term 'pretty much money'. Stop that, Ann. I hate you. Anyways, Marilyn tries on a pink mohair sweater (❤!) and it's $135. Who makes a sweater as expensive as that for little kids?! I just bought a mohair sweater and it was seven dollars! Granted it was on sale. And this is a mall department store, not a Goddamn boutique! Shit, Ann! You're always going on about how there's no place like Bloomingdale's so maybe don't have their prices in your podunk mall! See? Even with a shopping spree chapter, Ann still manages to piss me off.
Carolyn finds-'a neat white sweat shirt with a glittering yellow moon and two stars on the front' and I could always picture that perfectly. I always thought the moon and stars would look the same as Starlight's from Rainbow Brite star on his plush. I loved my Starlight so much. I think I'll buy me one soon. We get more quality writing from Ann when the girls look at pants and Mal says she's never seen them in pants before. Even though they were wearing jumpsuits in an earlier chapter. Man, I wish I could afford a whole mountain of cocaine to just ski around on. They go to the Merry Go Round next which I was surprised to learn was an actual store in the 80s. I always thought Ann made it up and wondered why she didn't use Claire's.
Mal sees some earrings there that are little open books and she buys a pair for herself and Jessi. And they're for pierced ears. I'd laugh like Hell if Jessi didn't get permission to pierce her ears. She also creams herself over buying blue push down socks. Mal is such a sad little person. Although I recently found socks in the asexuality flag colours and super squeed. Linda is gonna come to pick them up in about an hour, so they sit down and figure out the best way to spend their money. Marilyn gets a-'jeans skirt and a ruffly white blouse' and Carolyn gets-'jeans and the moon-and-stars sweat shirt'. They change into their new outfits and Linda nearly flips her car when she sees them. If this woman had her head any further up her ass, she'd be K. Ron.
Chapter 14!
Jessi got permission to get her ears pierced and Claudia got permission to get another hole done. K. Ron acts like she's the smartest man in her chair when she says the BSC should make a day of it and all go to the mall together. Because nobody else would have thought of that. So, when Saturday rolls around, Charlie drives them to the mall. Of course he does. He's the saddest teenager in the world. They head to the ear piercing boutique and Jessi starts to get scared. Mal says it's no big deal, she's watched hundreds of people get their ears pierced and knows every move. She also says they 'freeze' your ears and uh...what?! I have gotten several piercings in my day and I have never, never, had them freeze my ears with a spray. Does that even exist?! For someone with such a raging lady boner for ear piercing, Ann doesn't seem to know what one actually involves.
When they get to the ear piercing boutique, Mal takes charge and lets the clerk know exactly what they want. The clerk is like 'Okay, dealy-oh' and asks for no parental permission. Now, my mum was with me for every ear piercing I got, but when I got my tongue done, I got carded. I know a tongue piercing is a little more extreme than a ear piercing, but I would think you'd still need a parent with you if you're underage. Again, Ann shows us how little she knows about how the world works. Case in point, when they're asked to pick out their earrings, Claudia produces one of her own. That does not fucking happen, Ann! Besides the fact that the store wants to charge you for an earring, it needs to fit in the fucking piercing gun! See my above comment about Ann's lady boner. I think Ann caused the entire consumption of cocaine in the 80s. Someone was never visited by D.A.R.E.
Mal gets her ears done first and then Jessi goes. She asks Mal to hold her hand and that's not embarrassing, Ann. I'm waiting to get my first tattoo till I'm with my bestie so she can hold my hand. Jessi also says she doesn't feel a thing and I call bullshit. I don't care about this magic freezing spray, you're gonna feel a hole getting punched in your body. And speaking from experience, getting my tongue done hurt a lot less than getting my ears done. I'm still putting off reopening a hole in my ear because I remember how much it hurts. When Claudia gets her ear done, she almost faints and you know Mal wrote in her journal about the one time she was cooler than Claudia.
Suddenly, Dawn breaks down and says she wants her ears pierced too! So, after saying she wouldn't want her ears pierced if it made her look like everyone else, she decides to get her ears pierced after everyone else does. Dawn is the worst 'individual' ever. And you know, the worst person ever. So she calls Sharon who is like 'Whatever the fuck, get two piercings' and puff puffs without the pass. They have lunch which K. Ron says is paid from the treasury like they don't pay into the treasury and are basically paying for their own lunch. Because she's generous like that. After that, they go around the mall enjoying themselves and I'll admit, I still love going to the mall. Maybe not as much as when I was a kid and not spending my own money. Mal isn't too interested in checking out boys when she can look at her own ears.
Chapter 15!
At a BSC meeting, Mal is feeling pretty good about herself because she was able to change her earrings and she got her haircut. Ann continues to write about shit she doesn't know anything about by saying that when Mal got her hair cut short, it relaxed into waves rather than curls. Hair doesn't work that way, Ann. My hair used to be wavy and when I cut it short? It got curlier. Because it was lighter. I looked like Ellen Ripley. My hair has straightened itself out over the years, but the ends are still curly. Can we make a law that books must be written by writers from now on? Not 50s/boobs/teenager obsessed lizard people?
During a break in the meeting, K. Ron and Mary Anne hand out earrings they bought for the newly pierced. And Claudia has earrings she made for everyone, clip-ons for K. Ron and MA. And Mal has earrings...for Jessi only. Oh, Mal. You were supposed to wait until after the meeting for that, you dink. And I want to know what Claudia was smoking to think K. Ron would want some earrings made from-'little charms and strung together these wild bunches of miniature Coke cans, eyeglasses, forks, animals, you name it, and added feathers and beads'. Seriously. Picture K. Ron wearing those. I can longer feel my toes. After the meeting, Jessi opens the earrings Mal got her because she knows a little about how to behave in a group. Since they match Mal's, Jessi says they can be twins. And Mal says, 'No. Best friends'. And on that stupid note, we're out! So, up next is Little Miss Stoneybrook...and Dawn and I'm already weeping. Then I'll be doing Mallory and the Mystery Diary, Poor Mallory!, and Claudia and the Middle School Mystery for sgrfrostedflake, so I'll be busy for a while! Thanks for reading!
Part 1! Part 2!
-Song of the Day!-
Chapter 11!
Mal goes to sit for the twins again and I'm a little surprised they're in jumpsuits. It just seems like Linda likes to put them in super frou-frou dresses and not have them in pants. And how come the BSC isn't calling them brats for wearing dresses? Isn't that a whippable offense? Anyways, the girls show Mal the stuff they got from their relatives, which of course, are all identical presents. Because even their family doesn't know shit about them. They tell Mal that the gifts they like best were the ones she gave them. I know it's ridiculous that only Mal thought of getting them separate gifts, but I'm happy she has this small victory.
They tell Mal that they felt like Mal actually knew them and what they liked and that's just sad. Because when you think about it, the gifts that they got, besides being identical, were really generic too. I have to wonder, do the girls ever make wish lists? I always showed my mum exactly what I wanted for my birthday/Christmas. She would get me some surprises too, but she knew me well enough to know what I liked. Well, except the times she got me baby dolls and they were immediately relegated to the closet. And well, one she actually bought herself and pretended it was for me. My point is, a parent should know their kid well enough to know what they like and don't like. Do you think Linda even knows the twins favourite colours? Or animal? Probably not. Shove her in an alligator moat.
Mal mentions that she has triple the brats at her house and the twins ask her why she thought they were so cute then? That being called cute was why they decided to act up for baby-sitters. Mal says she said it because they are cute. The twins are like, 'Oh! We didn't understand!' Uh, understand what? Exactly what was cleared up in Mal saying they are cute? 'You're cute!' 'How dare you!' 'You're actually cute!' 'Well, okay then!' Are kids always this confusing or is this just a Stoneybrook thing? Or does it have to do with Ann never meeting a kid in her life? Like, even when she was a kid she went to some knitting circle in a retirement home for crazy people instead of school.
Mal says the girls should talk to their mother about dressing differently. She asks how they would dress if they were allowed to pick their own clothes and Marilyn wants to dress 'more grown up' and Carolyn wants to dress 'cool'. Just don't look to Stacey and Claudia for tips on how to be cool. They ask Mal if she'll help them talk to their mom and she agrees. But when she's waiting for Linda to come home, she thinks what right does she have to tell a parent how to raise their kids? This is only Mal's second book, so I'll forgive her not knowing that the BSC raises all the kids in the 'Brook. Besides, this is probably one of the few times an intervention was actually needed.
When Linda gets home, Mal asks if they can have a talk. The girls tell her about how they have different tastes and how everyone treats them like they're the same person. One of the things that always bugged me, is when Marilyn says maybe by looking different, the kids at school will make an effort to get to know them and Mal thinks, 'Good line.' I just hate that she calls it a 'line' when it's how she's feeling. I dunno, it just always made me mad at her.
Linda says she thought they liked wearing the same things, which is true they did. But where does treating them like one person fall in there, huh? She also says picking out the same things is 'easy' and how fucking lazy can you get? Well, I'm glad treating your kids like a single entity wasn't hard on you, Linda. And she says that because she liked how they looked, they must've too. Way to project there, mother of the year. The girls ask if they can pick out their own clothes and style their hair and she agrees. Mal asks if she can take them on a shopping spree for new clothes and uh, Mal? You did your job. Kinda time to butt out. I would think that an important shopping trip like that would be something their mother would want to be involved with. Oh, wait. This is Stoneybrook. Where parents call a sitter when they go the the food library.
Chapter 12!
Mal thinks that that went well, and she should talk to her parents about dressing how she likes rather than moping around. And here is where Mal is a fucking moron. She was really just pouting and dropping hints and never once brought up the fact that she'd like a say in her wardrobe or get a decent haircut or anything?! You expected to just say 'I'm such a baby!' and they'd be like 'Well, we'd better let you pierce your ears!' God, Mal is fucking stupid. She also thinks that she's brilliant for coming up with this idea rather than the correct answer, common fucking sense.
Anyways, it's time to suck up, so Mal mothers the apes, cleans the kitchen, and makes after dinner coffee. She asks Ma and Pa if she can talk to them and they're like 'Well, now we know why you were sucking up.' And she thinks they're wizards rather than the correct answer, common fucking sense. Mal's kinda bad at that, ain't she? She says that she wants a new wardrobe, a haircut, pierced ears, and contact lenses. Her parents look at her like she's crazy so she goes to plan B-pity. She whines about how she's a baby and a freak and how much do you bet Ann laughed while she wrote that? She probably peed herself laughing.
They tell her that they can't afford a new wardrobe and that she's too young for contacts, but they don't see why she can't get her haircut. If she pays for half. Really? Really?! You really can't pay for a full haircut?! It's like $15! And this was the 80s! It was probably less than that! And do they never get her hair cut?! My mom grew my hair out as long as she could, but I still went in for trims! Can you imagine how dry Mal's hair is?! And the split ends?! No wonder she wants a change! She's fucking Oliver Twist! Why does Mal have no say in what she does with her hair?! I never realised how unfair the Pikes treat her! They give her all the responsibility of raising her siblings but she can't say how she wants her hair cut or pick out her own clothes?! Good Lord, does Ann hate her! Anyways, they also say she can get her ears pierced to and that she can spend her own money on clothes. How magnanimous. I remember thinking she was a total baby because I had my ears pierced at a few months old. Mexicans. And she calls studs 'dots'. Moron.
Chapter 13!
Ah, yes. One of the two chapters that make this book worth it. It's time for Mal to take the twins shopping and my mom wouldn't have let me alone at the mall at 8 with just an 11 year old to watch me. Maybe because she loved me and liked spending time with me. The girls are dressed in different clothes and say that everyone has been trying to tell them apart at school. I have to wonder, did they have any real friends in school? They said that no one could tell them apart and just called them 'Marilyn or Carolyn' so, I'm thinking they didn't. The kids that were invited to their birthday party were probably just the girls in their class. That's really sad when you think about it.
Linda drops them off at the mall and oh, yeah! Shopping time! And hurr de hurr hurr! The girls are excited to use the escalator! Shut up, Ann! I practically lived at the mall! I didn't get fucking excited at the escalator at age eight. I didn't get excited about an escalator at age five. You know, if you don't know shit about kids, maybe don't write books for children. She also uses the term 'pretty much money'. Stop that, Ann. I hate you. Anyways, Marilyn tries on a pink mohair sweater (❤!) and it's $135. Who makes a sweater as expensive as that for little kids?! I just bought a mohair sweater and it was seven dollars! Granted it was on sale. And this is a mall department store, not a Goddamn boutique! Shit, Ann! You're always going on about how there's no place like Bloomingdale's so maybe don't have their prices in your podunk mall! See? Even with a shopping spree chapter, Ann still manages to piss me off.
Carolyn finds-'a neat white sweat shirt with a glittering yellow moon and two stars on the front' and I could always picture that perfectly. I always thought the moon and stars would look the same as Starlight's from Rainbow Brite star on his plush. I loved my Starlight so much. I think I'll buy me one soon. We get more quality writing from Ann when the girls look at pants and Mal says she's never seen them in pants before. Even though they were wearing jumpsuits in an earlier chapter. Man, I wish I could afford a whole mountain of cocaine to just ski around on. They go to the Merry Go Round next which I was surprised to learn was an actual store in the 80s. I always thought Ann made it up and wondered why she didn't use Claire's.
Mal sees some earrings there that are little open books and she buys a pair for herself and Jessi. And they're for pierced ears. I'd laugh like Hell if Jessi didn't get permission to pierce her ears. She also creams herself over buying blue push down socks. Mal is such a sad little person. Although I recently found socks in the asexuality flag colours and super squeed. Linda is gonna come to pick them up in about an hour, so they sit down and figure out the best way to spend their money. Marilyn gets a-'jeans skirt and a ruffly white blouse' and Carolyn gets-'jeans and the moon-and-stars sweat shirt'. They change into their new outfits and Linda nearly flips her car when she sees them. If this woman had her head any further up her ass, she'd be K. Ron.
Chapter 14!
Jessi got permission to get her ears pierced and Claudia got permission to get another hole done. K. Ron acts like she's the smartest man in her chair when she says the BSC should make a day of it and all go to the mall together. Because nobody else would have thought of that. So, when Saturday rolls around, Charlie drives them to the mall. Of course he does. He's the saddest teenager in the world. They head to the ear piercing boutique and Jessi starts to get scared. Mal says it's no big deal, she's watched hundreds of people get their ears pierced and knows every move. She also says they 'freeze' your ears and uh...what?! I have gotten several piercings in my day and I have never, never, had them freeze my ears with a spray. Does that even exist?! For someone with such a raging lady boner for ear piercing, Ann doesn't seem to know what one actually involves.
When they get to the ear piercing boutique, Mal takes charge and lets the clerk know exactly what they want. The clerk is like 'Okay, dealy-oh' and asks for no parental permission. Now, my mum was with me for every ear piercing I got, but when I got my tongue done, I got carded. I know a tongue piercing is a little more extreme than a ear piercing, but I would think you'd still need a parent with you if you're underage. Again, Ann shows us how little she knows about how the world works. Case in point, when they're asked to pick out their earrings, Claudia produces one of her own. That does not fucking happen, Ann! Besides the fact that the store wants to charge you for an earring, it needs to fit in the fucking piercing gun! See my above comment about Ann's lady boner. I think Ann caused the entire consumption of cocaine in the 80s. Someone was never visited by D.A.R.E.
Mal gets her ears done first and then Jessi goes. She asks Mal to hold her hand and that's not embarrassing, Ann. I'm waiting to get my first tattoo till I'm with my bestie so she can hold my hand. Jessi also says she doesn't feel a thing and I call bullshit. I don't care about this magic freezing spray, you're gonna feel a hole getting punched in your body. And speaking from experience, getting my tongue done hurt a lot less than getting my ears done. I'm still putting off reopening a hole in my ear because I remember how much it hurts. When Claudia gets her ear done, she almost faints and you know Mal wrote in her journal about the one time she was cooler than Claudia.
Suddenly, Dawn breaks down and says she wants her ears pierced too! So, after saying she wouldn't want her ears pierced if it made her look like everyone else, she decides to get her ears pierced after everyone else does. Dawn is the worst 'individual' ever. And you know, the worst person ever. So she calls Sharon who is like 'Whatever the fuck, get two piercings' and puff puffs without the pass. They have lunch which K. Ron says is paid from the treasury like they don't pay into the treasury and are basically paying for their own lunch. Because she's generous like that. After that, they go around the mall enjoying themselves and I'll admit, I still love going to the mall. Maybe not as much as when I was a kid and not spending my own money. Mal isn't too interested in checking out boys when she can look at her own ears.
Chapter 15!
At a BSC meeting, Mal is feeling pretty good about herself because she was able to change her earrings and she got her haircut. Ann continues to write about shit she doesn't know anything about by saying that when Mal got her hair cut short, it relaxed into waves rather than curls. Hair doesn't work that way, Ann. My hair used to be wavy and when I cut it short? It got curlier. Because it was lighter. I looked like Ellen Ripley. My hair has straightened itself out over the years, but the ends are still curly. Can we make a law that books must be written by writers from now on? Not 50s/boobs/teenager obsessed lizard people?
During a break in the meeting, K. Ron and Mary Anne hand out earrings they bought for the newly pierced. And Claudia has earrings she made for everyone, clip-ons for K. Ron and MA. And Mal has earrings...for Jessi only. Oh, Mal. You were supposed to wait until after the meeting for that, you dink. And I want to know what Claudia was smoking to think K. Ron would want some earrings made from-'little charms and strung together these wild bunches of miniature Coke cans, eyeglasses, forks, animals, you name it, and added feathers and beads'. Seriously. Picture K. Ron wearing those. I can longer feel my toes. After the meeting, Jessi opens the earrings Mal got her because she knows a little about how to behave in a group. Since they match Mal's, Jessi says they can be twins. And Mal says, 'No. Best friends'. And on that stupid note, we're out! So, up next is Little Miss Stoneybrook...and Dawn and I'm already weeping. Then I'll be doing Mallory and the Mystery Diary, Poor Mallory!, and Claudia and the Middle School Mystery for sgrfrostedflake, so I'll be busy for a while! Thanks for reading!