BSC #68: JESSI AND THE BAD BABY-SITTER OR WHO KNEW DAWN WAS SO IRREPLACEABLE? PART 1!
BSC #68: JESSI AND THE BAD BABY-SITTER OR WHO KNEW DAWN WAS SO IRREPLACEABLE? PART 1!
Welcome back my peeps! I hope that everyone had a great weekend and is ready for some more snarking! I want to Thank You all for your continued support; you guys forever rock and I cherish every comment!
I don’t about all of you; but I for one am very excited about FINALLY getting a chance to snark a Jessi book, I never have before! I think you all picked a good one for me to snark and I hope you all like it!
Now, without any further interruptions;
Jessi, Wendy; (the aforementioned ‘Bad Baby-sitter); and K-Ron are sitting in Claudia’s room during a BSC meeting. You could tell its Claudia’s room; because there’s a painting of Hershey’s Kisses on the wall. Good Continuity cover artists!
Jessi is dressed in her typical uniform of stretch pants and a baggy shirt; which means she just came from ballet class, because her hair’s in a bun as well. Wendy is wearing a yellow shirt and jean skirt; and is blowing a bubble with her gum and the look on Jessi’s face is fucking HILARIOUS; because she looks as if Wendy stripped fucking naked and was dancing around, instead of just blowing a bubble! But we all know that fucking DARING to blow a bubble is fucking grounds for punishment around these here parts; and we must SHUN HER!
And then… we have THE PICTURE THAT STARTED A MILLION MEMES…..
INCREDULOUS KRISTY!!!
The tagline for the book reads; ‘This is Dawn’s replacement?’, as if a gum chewing sitter isn’t LIGHT YEARS BETTER THAN THAT BLONDE TWAT!! ANYONE’S BETTER THAT BITCH; EVEN THE DUMBASSES IN THE BABY-SITTER’S AGENCY ARE BETTER THAN HER! Anyway, the bubble-blowing Wendy is supposed to be replacing Dawn; as this is the strange time when Dawn’s back in Cali for six months and Mal’s in the beginning stages of mono.
The cover also advertises a contest to win a trip to Universal Studios in Orlando; some lucky kid won a three day and 2 night vaca back in ’93. I would have loved to know how that went. Second prize was a BSC Fun Pack; complete with a BSC T-Shirt, a ‘Songs For My Best Friends’ cassette, BSC stationery and much more! YEAAAA…. The kids who won second prize got screwed! Nothing beats Universal Studios, all I’m saying! For funsies; I decided to Google the ‘Songs For My Best Friends’ cassette and GUESS WHAT?
SOMEONE PUT THE ENTIRE FUCKING ALBUM ON YOUTUBE!
THANK YOU, WHOEVER YOU MAY BE!
I skipped around and a lot of the songs are very eighties/early nineties pop. The last song is the theme song for the show; but it’s sung by someone else. I wonder why they couldn’t get the original chick to sing it and realize that it’s really sad that I realized that!
There’s some good stuff at the back of the book; there’s an ad for the Fan Club, adverting some cool stuff that you get when you join; like a T-Shirt, poster, note pad, pencil, membership card and the Guide to Stoneybrook! (Ok, I was a member, once upon a time. I NEVER GOT A FUCKING SHIRT, POSTER OR THE STONEYBROOK GUIDE! FUCKING LIARS! I THINK I WAS STILL A MEMBER AT THE TIME; I WANT MY FUCKING T-SHIRT ANN!) However, I did get the membership card, pencil, AND….
THE BSC NOTEPAD; WHICH I STILL FUCKING HAVE FOR SOME REASON!! I also had the BSC Guide to Babysitting that’s advertised in the last few pages; but it’s gone now. Plus, there’s even an ad for the Home Video collection and I had so many of these; and I’m mad as FUCK THAT NETFLIX TOOK THEM ALL OFF! FUCKING HELL!
Enough dilly-dallying.
Chapter 1:
Jessi is babysitting for Becca and Squirt and for SOME REASON; WASN’T FUCKING WATCHING THE TWO YEAR OLD PLAYING IN THE LIVING ROOM; AND THE POOR BABY ALMOST TOOK A HEADER OFF THE COFFEE TABLE! WHAT THE FUCK? HOW DO YOU EVEN MISS THAT; WEREN’T YOU IN THE SAME FUCKING ROOM?
NO, ACTUALLY SHE WASN’T!
NO INSTEAD; DUMBASS LEFT THE BABY ALONE IN ONE ROOM AND STARTED PLAYING A GAME WITH BECCA IN A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ONE! HE’S NOT ONE OF THE PRECIOUS, PERFECT PERKINS’ GIRLS, YOU KNOW! YOU CAN’T LEAVE A BABY BY THEMSELVES; AND YOU WOULD THINK A FUCKING ‘SUPER SITTER’ WOULD ALREADY KNOW THIS SHIT; BUT I SEE THAT K-RON NEEDS TO MIX UP A STRONGER BATCH OF THE FUCKING KOOL-AID! FUCKING HELL!
Jessi tells Becca that she can’t keep her eyes off Squirt for a second and NO SHIT! Then she tells us, that it wasn’t too long ago that the baby would have just sat down and watched TV all peaceful like. First, don’t EVER let K-Ron know you let a child watch TV; the fallout will be worse than a ‘Game of Thrones’ battle. Second, DID YOU JUST NEVER FUCKING REALIZE THAT THE KID WAS GONNA GET BIGGER AND START MOVING AROUND; OR DID THIS JUST COME TO YOU?
So now Becca’s upset that the precious game of Monopoly was interrupted; and Jessi tells her to move the game into the living room; and Becca bitches that she doesn’t want to have move everything and why can’t he come into the kitchen to sit with them. Jessi tells her that it’s because Squirt will pull all the pots out and start playing like Garth in ‘Wayne’s World’.
So now they have to move EVERYTHING TO THE LIVING ROOM; JUST TO SIT WITH SQUIRT! HEY JESSI; LET THE KID BANG ON THE POTS; IT’S NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL! THIS WAY HE’S KEEPING BUSY AND YOU GET TO FINISH YOUR GAME!
We get some exposition about her family; and how Aunt Cecelia moved in to help take care of Squirt and Becca. We also get some exposition about how most of the neighbors are racist fucks; who didn’t like when they moved in. Ok, racism is wrong; no matter how you try to slice it; but IT WAS ONLY LIKE TWO BITCHES AT THE SCHOOL AND ONLY ONE FAMILY THAT WAS EVER RACIST TO YOU! THREE IF YOU COUNT THE ASSHOLES AT CAMP OR THE WOMAN WHO WOULDN’T LET HER DAUGHTER PLAY WITH BECCA! I HONESTLY THINK THAT JESSI SPENDS HER DAY LOOKING FOR NO EXISTING RACISM! I SWEAR, HALF THE TIME SHE BITCHES ABOUT NOTHING; LIKE WHEN SHE THOUGHT HER BEST FRIEND WAS RACIST; ALL BECAUSE SHE WAS QUIET! OR WHEN SHE THOUGHT PINKY WAS BECAUSE SHE WANTED TO BE LEFT ALONE!
NOW I FUCKING REMEMBER WHY I HAVEN’T SNARKED A JESSI BOOK UNTIL NOW; AFTER DAWN, SHE’S THE MOST ANNOYING CHARACTER! THE THINGS I DO FOR YOU FELLOW SNARKERS!
The imaginary racism aside; Jessi proceeds to tell us that about the magical Cult she belongs too and how it’s basically killing everyone! Ever since Dawn hightailed it back to Cali, everyone’s been working their asses off and they’re fucking tired. I have no idea how they all have working double time; especially since it was just one member that left; but whatever.
So while Jessi’s been standing there daydreaming, Becca was setting up the Monopoly board again and since the poor girl had to move the whole fucking thing; a can of punch got knocked over; and now the board’s stained. See, this is why your asses should’ve just stayed in the fucking living room; listening to Squirt play the pots and pans. And of course, the little guy’s already throwing all the money in the air and chewing on the cards; and does Jessi tell him to stop? Does Becca? Me thinks you guys give this series WAYYY too much fucking credit!
The phone rings and it’s Wendy; a new friend of Jessi’s from school, who we’ve never heard of before and after this book, never will again. You all know how K-Ron feels about outside friends; Hell if Pete wasn’t such a good slave; his ass would’ve been gone too! Jessi tells Becca to make sure that Squirt doesn’t put any of the houses or hotels in his mouth and WHY THE FUCK DON’T YOU JUST PUT THE GAME AWAY NOW AND FINISH IT LATER? THE KID’S ALREADY THROWING THE PIECES IN THE AIR; YOU KNOW YOU’RE NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO PLAY ANYMORE!
Anyway, Wendy’s calling to see how everything is. YOU SEE CULT MEMBERS? YOU CAN CALL ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS WHEN IT DOESN’T RELATE THE FUCKING BABYSITTING! Jessi tells Wendy that she can’t really talk; because Squirt’s already ripping up the Monopoly money and PUT THE GAME AWAY, BECCA! Jessi invites Wendy over; and for FUCK’S SAKE, WHATEVER YOU DO; DON’T LET THE ALMIGHTY K-RON KNOW! SHE’S LIABLE TO TURN THE CATTLE PROD UP ALL THE WAY THIS TIME!
And as Jessi hangs up with Wendy; Becca screams at her to come quick, because Squirt’s got one of the houses in his mouth! GODDAMNITT JESSI AND BECCA; YOU HAD ONE JOB! Thank-fuck-fully; they’re able to get the sliver boot out of his mouth in time and THAT’S WHY THEY SHOULD’VE PUT THE FUCKING GAME AWAY IN THE FIRST PLACE!! AND JESSI REALLY SHOULD’VE BEEN KEEPING A CLOSER EYE ON HIM AND BECCA AS WELL, WHEN JESSI ASKED HER TOO! NOW THE POOR LITTLE GUY’S PISSED BECAUSE HE WANTS THE BOOT BACK!
They FINALLY put the fucking game away and then Wendy shows up. Poor Squirt starts to cry; because Becca keeps moving him from in front of the TV. And WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW? WENDY’S ABLE TO CALM HIM DOWN! HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS, YOU MEAN THERE’S OTHER QUALIFIED SITTERS IN STONEYBROOK? I THOUGHT K-RON KILLED THEM ALL DURING THE BABYSITTER’S AGENCY INCIDENT!
Wendy settles in to watch Flipper with the kids and Jessi leaves them all to go make hot cocoa. Ok, I get she’s your friend and all; but you don’t fucking know her. She can be a psycho or something. Anyway, everything goes well and Aunt Cecelia comes home to happy kids. Jessi introduces Wendy to her and Aunt C. asks if Wendy happens to be a member of the BSC too. And when even your Aunt doesn’t think you have any other friends other than the Cult Twats; IT’S TIME TO MAKE NEW FRIENDS, BECAUSE SOMETHING’S FUCKING WRONG!
Wendy acts really fucking confused about just what the fucking BSC is; and Jessi’s all: ‘Remember I told you once, IT’S A CULT THAT DEALS IN OBSESSING OVER BABYSITTING AND IF YOU DON’T OBEY OUR LORD AND MASTER K-RON; THERE’S PUNISHMENT WITH A CATTLE PROD AND BEING FORCED TO CHUG YOUR WEIGHT IN KOOL-AID! HAIL THE LORD AND MASTER K-RON!
Wendy tells Aunt C. that she’s not a member but she does do a lot of babysitting and apparently loves it. And somewhere, K-Ron just punched a wall for no reason!
Since Aunt C. is home; Wendy and Jessi go upstairs and talk and ACTUALLY ACT LIKE NORMAL FUCKING KIDS!
THEY EVEN TALK ABOUT BOOKS! HOLY HELL, K-RON’S GONNA HAVE A FUCKING FIT WHEN SHE FINDS OUT!
Jessi even lends some books by everyone’s favorite horsey writer; Marguerite Henry and REALLY? DON’T LEND BOOKS OUT EVER; YOU’RE LUCKY IF YOU EVER GET THEM BACK!
At the end of the chapter; Jessi’s happy that she has a friend and THAT’LL FUCKING CHANGE SOON ENOUGH!
Chapter 2:
IT’S TIME FOR A CLUB MEETING! Apparently the Cult’s so fucking busy; PEOPLE ARE ACTUALLY CALLING BEFORE FIVE-THIRTY! HOLY SHIT, I DIDN’T THINK THAT WAS POSSIBLE! I THOUGHT EVERYONE KNEW NOT TO CALL BEFORE FIVE-THIRTY; LEST K-RON SEND DAWN’S PREACHY ASS TO BABYSIT!
Jessi asks if the club was so busy last year; and GODDAMNITT ANN! STOP BRINGING ATTENTION TO THE FUCKING TIME WARP! THEY WERE BUSY LAST YEAR; IT’S THE WHOLE FUCKING REASON THEY ASKED MAL AND JESSI TO JOIN IN THE FIRST PLACE! FUCKING HELL!
There’s exposition about the Cult and I skim. Then Mal comes in late; because she took a nap after school and overslept. DUN..DUN..DUN! Of course, the next book is when she gets mono. But since we don’t know that yet; the girls wonder if Mal’s so tired because of all the jobs they’ve had. Stacey asks if they should hire another member to replace Dawn and K-Ron is on the fence about it. On the one hand; having an alternate officer would be great and on the other, she doesn’t want eight members when Dawn comes back and doesn’t want to have to fire someone.
FIRST, YOU GUYS ARE INSANELY FUCKING BUSY! WHY WOULDN’T YOU JUST BRING IN SOMEONE ELSE TO HELP YOU PICK UP THE SLACK?
SECOND, DAWN’S ONLY COMING BACK FOR A LITTLE WHILE!
SHE’S GONNA BE MOVING BACK TO CALI SOON ENOUGH!
THIRD; WHAT THE FUCK IS THE MATTER WITH BRINGING SOMEONE AND WHEN DAWN COMES BACK FOR HER SHORT WHILE; MAKING THE REPLACEMENT AN ASSOCIATE MEMBER? OR ACTUALLY HAVING EIGHT MEMBERS? MORE MEMBERS MEAN MORE JOBS, WHICH MEANS MORE CLIENTS, WHICH MEANS MORE FUCKING MONEY, DUMBASS! RUNNING THE GIRLS RAGGED ISN’T HELPING ANYONE, YOU’RE FUCKING LUCKY THAT THIS THE LAND OF THE DUMBASS PARENTS; OTHERWISE THEY’D BE FORCING THE OTHER GIRLS TO QUIT BECAUSE THEY’RE SO EXHAUSTED!!
Mary Anne thinks that it’s just been a crappy week and then they get tons of phone calls; because God Forbid a damn parent in Stoneybrook dare to take a shit without a sitter to watch the kids. I have no idea what the fuck these assholes did before the Cult came around.
The chapter ends with the room going crazy and Mal falling asleep in an epic bout of foreshadowing!
Chapter 3:
FUCKING REALLY? IT’S ALREADY TIME FOR ANOTHER MEETING, MUST WE REALLY GO THROUGH THIS SHIT AGAIN?
FINE!!!
The phone keeps ringing and it seems like everyone needs a fucking sitter. I guess Sharon’s ‘Blow and Ho’ party must be on for that weekend or something. Anyway, the Papadakis’, the asshole Hills AND the Kuhn’s ALL NEED A FUCKING SITTER! AND NO ONE’S AVAILABLE! WHATEVER SHALL THEY DO?!
Before they get a chance to decide whether to call Logan or Shannon; Mal calls and says that she really isn’t feeling well, she’s fucking exhausted and she sure as shit ain’t coming in. And also that those bitches better not fucking schedule her for a job; because she sure as shit isn’t sitting either. Or something like that. Now K-Ron’s fucking PISSED; because how DARE ANYONE MISS A FUCKING MEETING OR NOT BE ABLE TO WORK! BITCH EVEN SAYS; ‘I CARE ABOUT MALLORY, BUT THIS IS A DISASTER!’ HEY K-RON; GO FUCK YOURSELF!! I WISH THAT MAL GROWS UP AND WRITES A TELL-ALL BOOK ABOUT YOUR PRECIOUS CULT, SHOWING WHAT FUCKING CUNTS YOU ALL ARE!
They get sitters for some of the jobs, but OH NOES! THEY CAN’T GET A SITTER FOR THE ASSHOLE HILLS! NOT EVEN THE ASSOCIATES CAN HANDLE IT! K-Ron ponders just what the fuck to do now and Claudia’s the fucking voice of reason; saying that if no one can sit, there’s nothing they can do but call and tell Asshole Daddy Hill. K-Ron starts FUCKING TWEAKING ABOUT HOW THAT’S THE WHOLE PURPOSE OF THE CULT IN THE FIRST PLACE AND WHAT THE FUCK ARE THEY GONNA DO NOW; AND FOR FUCK’S SAKE;
HIRE ANOTHER PERSON THEN! IF YOU’RE WORRIED ABOUT DISAPPOINTING CLIENTS, JUST HIRE SOMEONE! OTHERWISE, SHUT UP!
Asshole Hill calls back and tells them; HE’LL HAVE TO CALL OTHER SITTERS!
K-Ron vows to hire someone new; because she’ll be damned if she has to bury more bodies in the fucking desert, like she had to with Janet and Liz. She asks if anyone has someone in mind and Jessi starts to tell them about Wendy; but is interrupted by Mrs. Barrett calling for a sitter. This leads to Stacey taking the job if Claudia takes hers and Jessi takes Claudia’s afternoon job… and my head’s spinning! HIRE SOMEONE! QUICKLY!
Dawn happens to call in towards the end of the meeting and Jessi makes the stupid mistake of handing the phone to K-Ron; who acts like a complete bitch, FUCKING SCREAMING AT DAWN TO COME HOME AND NOT LETTING HER TALK TO MARY ANNE UNLESS SHE AGREES! FUCKING HELL WOMAN, CALM THE FUCK DOWN! WHY WOULD YOU WANT THAT BITCH BACK ANYWAY, SHE SUCKS! I SWEAR THE FIRST THING THAT TWAT DAWN DOES WHEN JESSI TELLS HER THAT MAL’S SICK IS TELL HER TO TAKE VITAMINS! FUCKING HELL!
Everyone ends up talking to Dawn and Jessi says that no one will ever replace her; but it’s time to get someone to replace her.
That’s the end for now kids! More will be up soon! Thank you for reading and commenting and I’ll see you soon! I also did a Sleepover Friends snark: http://bleeding-thorn2.livejournal.com/ let me know what you think!
Welcome back my peeps! I hope that everyone had a great weekend and is ready for some more snarking! I want to Thank You all for your continued support; you guys forever rock and I cherish every comment!
I don’t about all of you; but I for one am very excited about FINALLY getting a chance to snark a Jessi book, I never have before! I think you all picked a good one for me to snark and I hope you all like it!
Now, without any further interruptions;
Jessi, Wendy; (the aforementioned ‘Bad Baby-sitter); and K-Ron are sitting in Claudia’s room during a BSC meeting. You could tell its Claudia’s room; because there’s a painting of Hershey’s Kisses on the wall. Good Continuity cover artists!
Jessi is dressed in her typical uniform of stretch pants and a baggy shirt; which means she just came from ballet class, because her hair’s in a bun as well. Wendy is wearing a yellow shirt and jean skirt; and is blowing a bubble with her gum and the look on Jessi’s face is fucking HILARIOUS; because she looks as if Wendy stripped fucking naked and was dancing around, instead of just blowing a bubble! But we all know that fucking DARING to blow a bubble is fucking grounds for punishment around these here parts; and we must SHUN HER!
And then… we have THE PICTURE THAT STARTED A MILLION MEMES…..
INCREDULOUS KRISTY!!!
The tagline for the book reads; ‘This is Dawn’s replacement?’, as if a gum chewing sitter isn’t LIGHT YEARS BETTER THAN THAT BLONDE TWAT!! ANYONE’S BETTER THAT BITCH; EVEN THE DUMBASSES IN THE BABY-SITTER’S AGENCY ARE BETTER THAN HER! Anyway, the bubble-blowing Wendy is supposed to be replacing Dawn; as this is the strange time when Dawn’s back in Cali for six months and Mal’s in the beginning stages of mono.
The cover also advertises a contest to win a trip to Universal Studios in Orlando; some lucky kid won a three day and 2 night vaca back in ’93. I would have loved to know how that went. Second prize was a BSC Fun Pack; complete with a BSC T-Shirt, a ‘Songs For My Best Friends’ cassette, BSC stationery and much more! YEAAAA…. The kids who won second prize got screwed! Nothing beats Universal Studios, all I’m saying! For funsies; I decided to Google the ‘Songs For My Best Friends’ cassette and GUESS WHAT?
SOMEONE PUT THE ENTIRE FUCKING ALBUM ON YOUTUBE!
THANK YOU, WHOEVER YOU MAY BE!
Click to viewI skipped around and a lot of the songs are very eighties/early nineties pop. The last song is the theme song for the show; but it’s sung by someone else. I wonder why they couldn’t get the original chick to sing it and realize that it’s really sad that I realized that!
There’s some good stuff at the back of the book; there’s an ad for the Fan Club, adverting some cool stuff that you get when you join; like a T-Shirt, poster, note pad, pencil, membership card and the Guide to Stoneybrook! (Ok, I was a member, once upon a time. I NEVER GOT A FUCKING SHIRT, POSTER OR THE STONEYBROOK GUIDE! FUCKING LIARS! I THINK I WAS STILL A MEMBER AT THE TIME; I WANT MY FUCKING T-SHIRT ANN!) However, I did get the membership card, pencil, AND….
THE BSC NOTEPAD; WHICH I STILL FUCKING HAVE FOR SOME REASON!! I also had the BSC Guide to Babysitting that’s advertised in the last few pages; but it’s gone now. Plus, there’s even an ad for the Home Video collection and I had so many of these; and I’m mad as FUCK THAT NETFLIX TOOK THEM ALL OFF! FUCKING HELL!
Enough dilly-dallying.
Chapter 1:
Jessi is babysitting for Becca and Squirt and for SOME REASON; WASN’T FUCKING WATCHING THE TWO YEAR OLD PLAYING IN THE LIVING ROOM; AND THE POOR BABY ALMOST TOOK A HEADER OFF THE COFFEE TABLE! WHAT THE FUCK? HOW DO YOU EVEN MISS THAT; WEREN’T YOU IN THE SAME FUCKING ROOM?
NO, ACTUALLY SHE WASN’T!
NO INSTEAD; DUMBASS LEFT THE BABY ALONE IN ONE ROOM AND STARTED PLAYING A GAME WITH BECCA IN A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ONE! HE’S NOT ONE OF THE PRECIOUS, PERFECT PERKINS’ GIRLS, YOU KNOW! YOU CAN’T LEAVE A BABY BY THEMSELVES; AND YOU WOULD THINK A FUCKING ‘SUPER SITTER’ WOULD ALREADY KNOW THIS SHIT; BUT I SEE THAT K-RON NEEDS TO MIX UP A STRONGER BATCH OF THE FUCKING KOOL-AID! FUCKING HELL!
Jessi tells Becca that she can’t keep her eyes off Squirt for a second and NO SHIT! Then she tells us, that it wasn’t too long ago that the baby would have just sat down and watched TV all peaceful like. First, don’t EVER let K-Ron know you let a child watch TV; the fallout will be worse than a ‘Game of Thrones’ battle. Second, DID YOU JUST NEVER FUCKING REALIZE THAT THE KID WAS GONNA GET BIGGER AND START MOVING AROUND; OR DID THIS JUST COME TO YOU?
So now Becca’s upset that the precious game of Monopoly was interrupted; and Jessi tells her to move the game into the living room; and Becca bitches that she doesn’t want to have move everything and why can’t he come into the kitchen to sit with them. Jessi tells her that it’s because Squirt will pull all the pots out and start playing like Garth in ‘Wayne’s World’.
So now they have to move EVERYTHING TO THE LIVING ROOM; JUST TO SIT WITH SQUIRT! HEY JESSI; LET THE KID BANG ON THE POTS; IT’S NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL! THIS WAY HE’S KEEPING BUSY AND YOU GET TO FINISH YOUR GAME!
We get some exposition about her family; and how Aunt Cecelia moved in to help take care of Squirt and Becca. We also get some exposition about how most of the neighbors are racist fucks; who didn’t like when they moved in. Ok, racism is wrong; no matter how you try to slice it; but IT WAS ONLY LIKE TWO BITCHES AT THE SCHOOL AND ONLY ONE FAMILY THAT WAS EVER RACIST TO YOU! THREE IF YOU COUNT THE ASSHOLES AT CAMP OR THE WOMAN WHO WOULDN’T LET HER DAUGHTER PLAY WITH BECCA! I HONESTLY THINK THAT JESSI SPENDS HER DAY LOOKING FOR NO EXISTING RACISM! I SWEAR, HALF THE TIME SHE BITCHES ABOUT NOTHING; LIKE WHEN SHE THOUGHT HER BEST FRIEND WAS RACIST; ALL BECAUSE SHE WAS QUIET! OR WHEN SHE THOUGHT PINKY WAS BECAUSE SHE WANTED TO BE LEFT ALONE!
NOW I FUCKING REMEMBER WHY I HAVEN’T SNARKED A JESSI BOOK UNTIL NOW; AFTER DAWN, SHE’S THE MOST ANNOYING CHARACTER! THE THINGS I DO FOR YOU FELLOW SNARKERS!
The imaginary racism aside; Jessi proceeds to tell us that about the magical Cult she belongs too and how it’s basically killing everyone! Ever since Dawn hightailed it back to Cali, everyone’s been working their asses off and they’re fucking tired. I have no idea how they all have working double time; especially since it was just one member that left; but whatever.
So while Jessi’s been standing there daydreaming, Becca was setting up the Monopoly board again and since the poor girl had to move the whole fucking thing; a can of punch got knocked over; and now the board’s stained. See, this is why your asses should’ve just stayed in the fucking living room; listening to Squirt play the pots and pans. And of course, the little guy’s already throwing all the money in the air and chewing on the cards; and does Jessi tell him to stop? Does Becca? Me thinks you guys give this series WAYYY too much fucking credit!
The phone rings and it’s Wendy; a new friend of Jessi’s from school, who we’ve never heard of before and after this book, never will again. You all know how K-Ron feels about outside friends; Hell if Pete wasn’t such a good slave; his ass would’ve been gone too! Jessi tells Becca to make sure that Squirt doesn’t put any of the houses or hotels in his mouth and WHY THE FUCK DON’T YOU JUST PUT THE GAME AWAY NOW AND FINISH IT LATER? THE KID’S ALREADY THROWING THE PIECES IN THE AIR; YOU KNOW YOU’RE NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO PLAY ANYMORE!
Anyway, Wendy’s calling to see how everything is. YOU SEE CULT MEMBERS? YOU CAN CALL ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS WHEN IT DOESN’T RELATE THE FUCKING BABYSITTING! Jessi tells Wendy that she can’t really talk; because Squirt’s already ripping up the Monopoly money and PUT THE GAME AWAY, BECCA! Jessi invites Wendy over; and for FUCK’S SAKE, WHATEVER YOU DO; DON’T LET THE ALMIGHTY K-RON KNOW! SHE’S LIABLE TO TURN THE CATTLE PROD UP ALL THE WAY THIS TIME!
And as Jessi hangs up with Wendy; Becca screams at her to come quick, because Squirt’s got one of the houses in his mouth! GODDAMNITT JESSI AND BECCA; YOU HAD ONE JOB! Thank-fuck-fully; they’re able to get the sliver boot out of his mouth in time and THAT’S WHY THEY SHOULD’VE PUT THE FUCKING GAME AWAY IN THE FIRST PLACE!! AND JESSI REALLY SHOULD’VE BEEN KEEPING A CLOSER EYE ON HIM AND BECCA AS WELL, WHEN JESSI ASKED HER TOO! NOW THE POOR LITTLE GUY’S PISSED BECAUSE HE WANTS THE BOOT BACK!
They FINALLY put the fucking game away and then Wendy shows up. Poor Squirt starts to cry; because Becca keeps moving him from in front of the TV. And WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW? WENDY’S ABLE TO CALM HIM DOWN! HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS, YOU MEAN THERE’S OTHER QUALIFIED SITTERS IN STONEYBROOK? I THOUGHT K-RON KILLED THEM ALL DURING THE BABYSITTER’S AGENCY INCIDENT!
Wendy settles in to watch Flipper with the kids and Jessi leaves them all to go make hot cocoa. Ok, I get she’s your friend and all; but you don’t fucking know her. She can be a psycho or something. Anyway, everything goes well and Aunt Cecelia comes home to happy kids. Jessi introduces Wendy to her and Aunt C. asks if Wendy happens to be a member of the BSC too. And when even your Aunt doesn’t think you have any other friends other than the Cult Twats; IT’S TIME TO MAKE NEW FRIENDS, BECAUSE SOMETHING’S FUCKING WRONG!
Wendy acts really fucking confused about just what the fucking BSC is; and Jessi’s all: ‘Remember I told you once, IT’S A CULT THAT DEALS IN OBSESSING OVER BABYSITTING AND IF YOU DON’T OBEY OUR LORD AND MASTER K-RON; THERE’S PUNISHMENT WITH A CATTLE PROD AND BEING FORCED TO CHUG YOUR WEIGHT IN KOOL-AID! HAIL THE LORD AND MASTER K-RON!
Wendy tells Aunt C. that she’s not a member but she does do a lot of babysitting and apparently loves it. And somewhere, K-Ron just punched a wall for no reason!
Since Aunt C. is home; Wendy and Jessi go upstairs and talk and ACTUALLY ACT LIKE NORMAL FUCKING KIDS!
THEY EVEN TALK ABOUT BOOKS! HOLY HELL, K-RON’S GONNA HAVE A FUCKING FIT WHEN SHE FINDS OUT!
Jessi even lends some books by everyone’s favorite horsey writer; Marguerite Henry and REALLY? DON’T LEND BOOKS OUT EVER; YOU’RE LUCKY IF YOU EVER GET THEM BACK!
At the end of the chapter; Jessi’s happy that she has a friend and THAT’LL FUCKING CHANGE SOON ENOUGH!
Chapter 2:
IT’S TIME FOR A CLUB MEETING! Apparently the Cult’s so fucking busy; PEOPLE ARE ACTUALLY CALLING BEFORE FIVE-THIRTY! HOLY SHIT, I DIDN’T THINK THAT WAS POSSIBLE! I THOUGHT EVERYONE KNEW NOT TO CALL BEFORE FIVE-THIRTY; LEST K-RON SEND DAWN’S PREACHY ASS TO BABYSIT!
Jessi asks if the club was so busy last year; and GODDAMNITT ANN! STOP BRINGING ATTENTION TO THE FUCKING TIME WARP! THEY WERE BUSY LAST YEAR; IT’S THE WHOLE FUCKING REASON THEY ASKED MAL AND JESSI TO JOIN IN THE FIRST PLACE! FUCKING HELL!
There’s exposition about the Cult and I skim. Then Mal comes in late; because she took a nap after school and overslept. DUN..DUN..DUN! Of course, the next book is when she gets mono. But since we don’t know that yet; the girls wonder if Mal’s so tired because of all the jobs they’ve had. Stacey asks if they should hire another member to replace Dawn and K-Ron is on the fence about it. On the one hand; having an alternate officer would be great and on the other, she doesn’t want eight members when Dawn comes back and doesn’t want to have to fire someone.
FIRST, YOU GUYS ARE INSANELY FUCKING BUSY! WHY WOULDN’T YOU JUST BRING IN SOMEONE ELSE TO HELP YOU PICK UP THE SLACK?
SECOND, DAWN’S ONLY COMING BACK FOR A LITTLE WHILE!
SHE’S GONNA BE MOVING BACK TO CALI SOON ENOUGH!
THIRD; WHAT THE FUCK IS THE MATTER WITH BRINGING SOMEONE AND WHEN DAWN COMES BACK FOR HER SHORT WHILE; MAKING THE REPLACEMENT AN ASSOCIATE MEMBER? OR ACTUALLY HAVING EIGHT MEMBERS? MORE MEMBERS MEAN MORE JOBS, WHICH MEANS MORE CLIENTS, WHICH MEANS MORE FUCKING MONEY, DUMBASS! RUNNING THE GIRLS RAGGED ISN’T HELPING ANYONE, YOU’RE FUCKING LUCKY THAT THIS THE LAND OF THE DUMBASS PARENTS; OTHERWISE THEY’D BE FORCING THE OTHER GIRLS TO QUIT BECAUSE THEY’RE SO EXHAUSTED!!
Mary Anne thinks that it’s just been a crappy week and then they get tons of phone calls; because God Forbid a damn parent in Stoneybrook dare to take a shit without a sitter to watch the kids. I have no idea what the fuck these assholes did before the Cult came around.
The chapter ends with the room going crazy and Mal falling asleep in an epic bout of foreshadowing!
Chapter 3:
FUCKING REALLY? IT’S ALREADY TIME FOR ANOTHER MEETING, MUST WE REALLY GO THROUGH THIS SHIT AGAIN?
FINE!!!
The phone keeps ringing and it seems like everyone needs a fucking sitter. I guess Sharon’s ‘Blow and Ho’ party must be on for that weekend or something. Anyway, the Papadakis’, the asshole Hills AND the Kuhn’s ALL NEED A FUCKING SITTER! AND NO ONE’S AVAILABLE! WHATEVER SHALL THEY DO?!
Before they get a chance to decide whether to call Logan or Shannon; Mal calls and says that she really isn’t feeling well, she’s fucking exhausted and she sure as shit ain’t coming in. And also that those bitches better not fucking schedule her for a job; because she sure as shit isn’t sitting either. Or something like that. Now K-Ron’s fucking PISSED; because how DARE ANYONE MISS A FUCKING MEETING OR NOT BE ABLE TO WORK! BITCH EVEN SAYS; ‘I CARE ABOUT MALLORY, BUT THIS IS A DISASTER!’ HEY K-RON; GO FUCK YOURSELF!! I WISH THAT MAL GROWS UP AND WRITES A TELL-ALL BOOK ABOUT YOUR PRECIOUS CULT, SHOWING WHAT FUCKING CUNTS YOU ALL ARE!
They get sitters for some of the jobs, but OH NOES! THEY CAN’T GET A SITTER FOR THE ASSHOLE HILLS! NOT EVEN THE ASSOCIATES CAN HANDLE IT! K-Ron ponders just what the fuck to do now and Claudia’s the fucking voice of reason; saying that if no one can sit, there’s nothing they can do but call and tell Asshole Daddy Hill. K-Ron starts FUCKING TWEAKING ABOUT HOW THAT’S THE WHOLE PURPOSE OF THE CULT IN THE FIRST PLACE AND WHAT THE FUCK ARE THEY GONNA DO NOW; AND FOR FUCK’S SAKE;
HIRE ANOTHER PERSON THEN! IF YOU’RE WORRIED ABOUT DISAPPOINTING CLIENTS, JUST HIRE SOMEONE! OTHERWISE, SHUT UP!
Asshole Hill calls back and tells them; HE’LL HAVE TO CALL OTHER SITTERS!
K-Ron vows to hire someone new; because she’ll be damned if she has to bury more bodies in the fucking desert, like she had to with Janet and Liz. She asks if anyone has someone in mind and Jessi starts to tell them about Wendy; but is interrupted by Mrs. Barrett calling for a sitter. This leads to Stacey taking the job if Claudia takes hers and Jessi takes Claudia’s afternoon job… and my head’s spinning! HIRE SOMEONE! QUICKLY!
Dawn happens to call in towards the end of the meeting and Jessi makes the stupid mistake of handing the phone to K-Ron; who acts like a complete bitch, FUCKING SCREAMING AT DAWN TO COME HOME AND NOT LETTING HER TALK TO MARY ANNE UNLESS SHE AGREES! FUCKING HELL WOMAN, CALM THE FUCK DOWN! WHY WOULD YOU WANT THAT BITCH BACK ANYWAY, SHE SUCKS! I SWEAR THE FIRST THING THAT TWAT DAWN DOES WHEN JESSI TELLS HER THAT MAL’S SICK IS TELL HER TO TAKE VITAMINS! FUCKING HELL!
Everyone ends up talking to Dawn and Jessi says that no one will ever replace her; but it’s time to get someone to replace her.
That’s the end for now kids! More will be up soon! Thank you for reading and commenting and I’ll see you soon! I also did a Sleepover Friends snark: http://bleeding-thorn2.livejournal.com/ let me know what you think!