BSC #31: DAWN’S WICKED STEPSISTER OR THE HONEYMOON’S OVER! PART 1!
BSC #31: DAWN’S WICKED STEPSISTER OR THE HONEYMOON’S OVER! PART 1!
Hello my peeps and welcome back! It is HOT AS HELL outside; which only means that summer is finally here! I hope everyone’s cool and comfortable wherever they are! Once again; I must give a giant THANK YOU to everyone who reads and comments on these posts; it means so much to me!
Now; without any further ado;
IT’S TIME FOR THE CONTINUING STORY OF TWO PEOPLE; (WHO SHOULD’VE NEVER GOTTEN MARRIED IN THE FIRST PLACE); AND THEIR UNHOLY FREAKIN’ OFFSPRING!!
SO….
Mary Anne and Dawn are standing back to back; with PISSED THE FUCK OFF faces on; and Jeff is sitting on what I thought was a box, but on closer inspection; looks like a bed, probably wondering just what the fuck he’s even doing here in the first place. There are boxes everywhere; so I’m assuming that this is Dawn’s /Mary Anne’s bedroom.
So many things are wrong here; so I’m gonna have to do bullet points again:
· Why doesn’t Dawn’s hair reach her ass? In every other fucking book; they say her hair is either down to her waist or down to her ass; yet NO FUCKING COVER EVER DEPICTS THIS!
· This has been said before; but why is Mary Anne so damn tall? She’s described as being one of the shortest girls in their class! Here; she’s taller than Dawn!
· What is Jeff doing there? In the book, he’s barely there! I mean it, after the move; he goes back to Cali, so he wasn’t there to witness most of the ‘wickedness’!
· Why, OH GOD WHY IS MARY ANNE WEARING PIG-TAILS? IT’S BEEN PRETTY ESTABLISHED AT THIS POINT THAT SHE HATES THEM!
· And finally; if this is supposed to their room; WHERE THE FUCK IS THE SECRET PASSAGE? IT’S SUPPOSED TO OPEN RIGHT BY DAWN’S BED! OR IF YOU GO BY ‘THE GHOST AT DAWN’S HOUSE’; THERE’S A FUCKING STAIRWAY TO IT IN HER ROOM!
THIS IS ONLY THE COVER OF THE FUCKING PEOPLE!! I HAVEN’T EVEN GOTTEN TO THE BACK OF THE BOOK DESCRIPTION OR THE ACTUAL BOOK ITSELF YET!!
For the fuck of it; I checked the back of the book and it basically calls Mary Anne a bitch for daring to brag about a date to the dance; Tigger throwing up on a rug; and hogging Dawn’s sitting jobs, when in reality: MOST OF THAT WASN’T MARY ANNE’S FAULT! MAN, I NEVER NOTICED IT AS A KID; BUT DAWN’S A COMPLETE TWAT!!
Chapter 1:
So, we open where we left off last time; Sharon’s just thrown the bouquet and Mary Anne and Dawn are reaching for it. WHO WILL IT BE? AND THE WINNER IS…..
MARY ANNE!
Dawn, OF COURSE; just has to fucking snot about how Mary Anne caught the goddamn thing. Now she’s pissed because it was her mother’s bouquet and how she should’ve caught it!
FUCKING HELL, THIS ISN’T ABOUT YOU LITTLE GIRL! THIS IS ABOUT SOME TRADITION; IT DOESN’T REALLY MEAN ANYTHING! AND CALL ME CRAZY; BUT I PERSONALLY WOULDN'T WANT THE BOUQUET OF A BRIDE THAT’S ON HER SECOND MARRIAGE AND IS ALREADY BITCHING TO HER NEW HUSBAND AFTER ONLY AN HOUR OF BEING FUCKING MARRIED! But that’s just me.
Dawn goes on to tell us, the reader; like she really can fucking see us, about how there’s this belief that if a single woman catches the bouquet; she’s the next to be married. And that just shows how really fucked up and bitchy Dawn is, because; A. she’s only thirteen, B. She isn’t even dating anyone right now, and C. YOU ARE NOT AN INDIVIDUAL IF ALL YOU DO IS FOLLOW THE FUCKING CROWD!
Unholy Hosebeast goes on to say that even though Mary Anne and she are only thirteen; they don’t want to get married yet; but STILL! SHE SHOULD’VE CAUGHT HER MOTHER’S BOUQUET!!! SHOW ME WHERE IN http://www.etiquettehell.com/ IT SAYS THAT, BITCH!! Dawn even goes on to snot that since Mary Anne’s the one with the closeted boyfriend; she must have tried harder to get the bouquet! Especially since, Mary Anne hopes to be trapped in a loveless marriage like a less awesome version of Jack and Karen on ‘Will and Grace’. JESUS CHRIST; WHO THE FUCK PICTURES GETTING MARRIED AT THAT AGE? I BLAME MTV FOR THIS SHIT; FUCKING GLAMORIZING SHIT LIKE ‘TEEN MOMS’ AND ‘ENGAGED AND UNDER AGED’! FUCKING HELL!
So, Mary Anne’s MOST TRIUMPHANT at catching the bouquet and she celebrates; while Dawn fucking snots AGAIN! that Mary Anne nearly killed everyone getting to the fucking bouquet! Dawn, sweetie? SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH; YOU DIRTY, VEGGIE-EATING FREAK! IF YOU WANT TO SEE SOMEONE NEARLY KILLING SOMEONE FOR A FUCKING BOUQUET, WATCH ALLY MCBEAL!
AT LEAST MARY ANNE DIDN’T KNOCK ANYONE OUT!!
The rest of the Cult is happy for Mary Anne; but Dawn still has to act like a complete fucking brat and say that even though she’s doesn’t mind TOO MUCH; she’s happy that Mary Anne caught the bouquet because she’s so fucking shy. I’ll say it again;
Dawn finally congratulates Mary Anne on the catch and we get some exposition about the shit that happened IN THE LAST FUCKING BOOK! I MEAN, MY GOD! WE ALREADY KNOW THIS; WE JUST FINISHED READING THIS ANN!
So, the party breaks up and everyone departs; the newly married go off to their one night honeymoon, Jeff goes to the Pikes and the Cult head over to Mary Anne’s to ‘dish’ about the wedding. And Unholy Hosebeast just HAS to tell us that dish means gossip. NO SHIT SPARKY! WAIT A MINUTE; YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT THE CULT MEMBERS ARE GONNA HANG OUT LIKE NORMAL FUCKING TEENAGERS FOR ONCE?! HOLY SHIT, HOW THAT MAKE IT IN THE BOOK; WAS ANN SICK THAT DAY?
Anyhoo.. Dawn and Mary Anne are planning to spend one last night at Mary Anne’s; especially since the big move is TOMORROW and I’m sorry, but WHO THE FUCK THOUGHT THAT WAS WISE? I GET WANTING TO LIVE AS A FAMILY AND ALL; BUT SHOULDN’T THEY HAVE BEEN MOVING SHIT OVER TO BURNT HILL ROAD ALREADY? WHY WAIT UNDER THE DAY AFTER THE WEDDING TO MOVE; AREN’T SHARON AND RICHARD GONNA BE HUNG OVER OR LITERALLY IN A SEX COMA? (IT’S THEIR FUCKING WEDDING NIGHT AFTER ALL!)
We hear about how Charlie’s driving everyone over; and that seems…unwise. Charlie’s basically cramming NINE FUCKING PEOPLE INTO ONE CAR! I’VE TAKEN SOME CRAMPED CAR RIDES BEFORE; BUT THIS IS JUST WRONG! ENJOY PRISON CHARLIE; YOU CAN BE CELLMATES WITH WES, SCOTT AND THIS GUY:
Dawn tells us that Sharon’s changing her last name to Richard’s; and she’s now known as Sharon Spier. Of course, Miss Individual here has to bitch about the new change; and FUCK YOU PRINCESS! IT’S YOUR MOM’S CHOICE AND LOTS OF WOMEN DO IT! FUCK, I DID WHEN I GOT MARRIED; I’M OLD-FASHIONED THAT WAY! AND THE BEST PART IS; SHARON’S NOT MAKING HER DO IT TOO, SO REALLY DAWN HAS NOTHING TO FUCKING BITCH ABOUT! YOU DON’T HAVE TO CHANGE YOUR LAST NAME, SO THIS DOESN’T FUCKING CONCERN YOU, SPARKY!
The Cult gets to Mary Anne’s and as soon as they get in the house; K-Ron freaks the fuck out over the happy couple kissing at the wedding. Considering the fact that Elizabeth and Watson had to do this less than a fucking year ago; BITCH NEEDS TO LIGHTEN THE FUCK UP! Charlie takes that as his cue to run the fuck away; and go to Janine’s so that maybe she can help him locate his fucking balls.
The chapter ends with Claudia teasing Mary Anne about crying her makeup off, because BEST.FRIENDS.FOREVER.MY.ASS! and Dawn’s happy to have a new family and to be with friends.
Chapter 2:
GUESS WHAT? THE WHOLE FUCKING CHAPTER IS EXPOSITION! THE ONLY THING OF NOTE IS THAT EVERYONE GOES HOME, THE GIRLS GO TO BED AND DAWN WONDERS HOW THE NEXT DAY’S GONNA BE!
SO INSTEAD OF THAT SHIT; HERE’S SOMETHING ELSE!
THIS IS WHAT REALLY HAPPENED TO JOHNNY LAWERNCE! ENJOY!
Chapter 3:
IT’S MOVING DAY BITCHES!
Dawn says that they were up all night; because every single sound made them nervous. And these bitches are supposed to be SOOO MATURE! IF YOU’RE STILL FREAKED OUT BY ODD NOISES; NOT ONLY ARE YOU TOO YOUNG TO STAY OVERNIGHT BY YOURSELVES, BUT; YOU BITCHES SHOULDN’T EVEN BE BABYSITTING IN THE FUCKING FIRST PLACE! Then we get some exposition about the fucking Phantom Phone Caller and I don’t care. It’s hot and I have Pepsi.
The next morning; the newlyweds and Jeff come back at ten in the morning and SEE? THIS IS WHY YOU SHOULD’VE MOVED FUCKING GRADUALLY OVER TIME; BECAUSE I BET NO ONE GOT ANY FUCKING SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND IT’S A LOT TO DEAL WITH IN ONE DAY!
Anyway, Jeff is still acting formal around Richard and then, one by one, the other Cult members come over and Mary Anne starts to bawl. On the one hand; I get that it would suck to move out of the only home you’ve ever known, I did that when I moved here and I lived in my old place since I was seven. But on the other hand; IT’S ONLY A FEW BLOCKS AWAY! YOU’RE GONNA SEE EVERYONE ALL THE TIME, AT MEETINGS, SCHOOL, HANGING OUT AND EVEN SITTING! FUCKING K-RON AND STACEY HAD MORE TO CRY ABOUT WHEN THEY MOVED; BECAUSE ONE MOVED OUT OF STATE AND THE OTHER MOVED INTO ANOTHER NEIGHBORHOOD!
But, I understand because it’s a lot for one day and Mary Anne’s hardly had time to get used to the idea before today. Dawn SOMEHOW, makes it all about her again and is all butthurt about Mary Anne not wanting to leave; and that she’s not more excited about sharing a room with Dawn. Bitch even says that she has no patience for Mary Anne’s tears; and
REALLY BITCH? MARY ANNE NOT ONLY FOUND OUT THAT SHE WAS GETTING A NEW MOM, SISTER AND BROTHER; NOT ONLY THAT SHE WAS MOVING; BUT BASICALLY WITHIN DAYS OF EACH OTHER AND NOW EVERYTHING HAPPENED SO FUCKING QUICK; AND YOU’RE THE ONE THAT’S PISSY?
Then poor Mary Anne has to watch the movers load up everything to the van; and chick starts crying. Not that I blame her; that would be hard for her. Dawn snots some more about Mary Anne not being all fucking sunshine and rainbows and bitch actually thinks it’s because Mary Anne didn’t get enough sleep. NO, IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE A FUCKING TWAT DAWN! One by one, some neighbors come by with goodies; which causes Mary Anne to cry some more and Dawn’s all:
About the whole thing. (Although she wishes she was as great as Crazy Eyes!)
Once everything is packed and they head to the new place; Mary Anne’s even sadder and GUESS WHAT? DAWN’S STILL A FUCKING BITCH ABOUT IT!! I’m not even kidding guys; every single Mary Anne says or comments on; Dawn has to make a bitchy remark about. If Mary Anne complains about giving away furniture; Dawn bitches that there was no room for it. FUCKING HELL LITTLE GIRL; SHUT YOUR DAMN MOUTH AND LET MARY ANNE VENT! THIS IS NOT A VENDETTA AGAINST YOU!
They arrive at the house and it’s a mess and poor Tigger’s going crazy, because the poor thing doesn’t know where he is and he spends six hours mewing. I get that that would drive a person crazy, but it’s not the cat’s fault. Mary Anne then spends the next six hours driving the movers crazy, by chasing the cat and yelling at them. Here’s an idea; YOU HAVE A BARN! TAKE TIGGER THERE AND PLAY WITH HIM! THAT WAY, HE’S NOT IN EVERYONE’S WAY!
Mary Anne spends the rest of the day sad and doesn’t do anything else, however by the next day she’s better and the girls decide to swap outfits for school the next day. Jeff flies home that night and he’s an asshole, telling Dawn that Mary Anne is a bitch for daring to be sad the whole weekend.
FUCK THAT WHOLE FAMILY; IT’S NOTHING BUT ASSHOLES!
Chapter 4:
Apparently; we’re supposed to believe that Dawn and Mary Anne are the same size AND that they’re happy to share clothes. Ok, I never had a sister; but my mom does and she’s told me many times about how PISSED she used to get over my Aunt stealing her clothes. So I call BULLSHIT on this whole thing.
We get some club exposition for most of the chapter and then Claudia offers snacks for everyone. But, RUH-ROH! MAL DOESN’T FEEL GOOD! POOR MAL HAS A FEVER AND K-RON ACTUALLY TELLS HER TO GO HOME AND REST! JUST REMEMBER THAT IN LIKE THIRTY BOOKS; WHEN MAL HAS MONO AND YOU FORCE HER TO DO ALL YOUR FUCKING WORK!
The chapter ends with Dawn saying that Mal couldn’t be very sick; because she rides her bike home. FUCK YOU BITCH! WE ALL KNOW THAT THERE WAS NO WAY IN HELL THAT MA AND PA WERE COMING TO GET HER; AND GUESS WHAT? SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BIKE, WALK OR DRIVE HOME YOURSELF WHEN YOU’RE SICK!!
HERE’S SOMETHING BETTER FOR YOU GUYS:
Chapter 5:
GUESS WHAT YOU GUYS? MAL’S GOT THE CHICKEN POX FOR THE SECOND TIME!
WOW, SHE REALLY WAS THE BUTT MONKEY WASN’T SHE? AND THE BEST PART IS; SHE GOT FROM JAMIE AND LUCY NEWTON! BECAUSE PARENTS ARE SO FUCKING SHITTY IN STONEYBROOK; THEY HIRE BABYSITTERS WHEN THEIR KIDS ARE FUCKING SICK!
That poor girl. That’s gotta suck, having chicken pox for the second time; I’ve been there and it’s not a fun time. And is the Cult worried about their junior member at all? If you think so; this must be your first time here. No, instead they’re worried about the jobs that Mal has lined up already; because it’s not like they might have caught the chicken pox from Mal as well or anything.
Anyway, the jobs get filled; except for one that for some reason Mary Anne and Dawn fight over. DID WE JUST SKIP A CHAPTER? THEY’RE NO FIGHTING OR ANYTHING; WHY ALL THE DRAMA? And if that wasn’t batshit insane enough; Dawn says that she wants the job because she wants to buy Mary Anne a ‘now-we’re sisters’ present; because Mary Anne surprised her with one on the day of the wedding!
DAWN WAS THE FUCKING ONE WHO BROUGHT MARY ANNE A GIFT!! IT WAS ONLY THE LAST FUCKING BOOK AND YOU WROTE THEM BOTH, ANN! FOR FUCK’S SAKE; PUT DOWN THE PIPE AND PAY FUCKING ATTENTION FOR ONCE!
Then we get the bullshit back and forth; ‘I deserve the job because your pothead mother mother couldn’t be assed to fucking pack anything’; ‘No, I deserve the job because the fucking editors can’t make up their fucking minds over who owes who a fucking gift; even though it was the last fucking book!’ This leads to the best, MOST EPIC COMEBACK! ARE YOU READY?
MARY ANNE STRAIGHT UP TELLS DAWN THAT HER ASS IS TOO BIG TO BE WEARING MARY ANNE’S SKIRT! I KNOW THIS HAS BEEN DONE TO DEATH; BUT I HAVE TO USE IT AGAIN!
DAWN, YOU JUST GOT OWNED BITCH!!
Everyone gasps at that and I laugh my ass off; BECAUSE MARY ANNE’S BURNS ARE THE BEST AND DAWN FUCKING DESERVED IT! Dawn asks if Mary Anne’s implying that she’s fat and SHE’S NOT IMPLYING ANYTHING! SHE’S FUCKING FLAT-OUT TELLING YOU, YOU’RE FAT! K-Ron bangs her fist on the table and tells them all to calm the fuck down. Then Mrs. Newton calls to apologize for making Mal sick; but first needs a sitter.
After that shit; since the two girls can’t decide who gets the job; K-Ron makes them draw straws for the job and that leads to ANOTHER fight over who gets to draw first. JUST GET ON WITH IT ALREADY!! Turns out that Mary Anne gets the job! So now Dawn’s PISSED and she brings up the bouquet AGAIN!!
SERIOUSLY BITCH? MOVE THE FUCK ON!!
She tells Mary Anne to have fun at the job and she hopes that the Perkins’ girls are monsters; which we all know wouldn’t happen in Ann’s world. After the job; the two girls make up and Mary Anne says that Gabbie’s gonna be in ‘The Three Piggy Opera’ and that Myriah wrote letters to the President and Cam Geary; causing Mary Anne to spike her milk to go to sleep; because she dared to like him too!
Everything’s cool for now; but will it stay that way?
That’s all for now, more will come soon! Plus, more snarks on my personal page; so keep checking! Thank you for reading and commenting and I’ll see you soon!
Hello my peeps and welcome back! It is HOT AS HELL outside; which only means that summer is finally here! I hope everyone’s cool and comfortable wherever they are! Once again; I must give a giant THANK YOU to everyone who reads and comments on these posts; it means so much to me!
Now; without any further ado;
IT’S TIME FOR THE CONTINUING STORY OF TWO PEOPLE; (WHO SHOULD’VE NEVER GOTTEN MARRIED IN THE FIRST PLACE); AND THEIR UNHOLY FREAKIN’ OFFSPRING!!
SO….
Mary Anne and Dawn are standing back to back; with PISSED THE FUCK OFF faces on; and Jeff is sitting on what I thought was a box, but on closer inspection; looks like a bed, probably wondering just what the fuck he’s even doing here in the first place. There are boxes everywhere; so I’m assuming that this is Dawn’s /Mary Anne’s bedroom.
So many things are wrong here; so I’m gonna have to do bullet points again:
· Why doesn’t Dawn’s hair reach her ass? In every other fucking book; they say her hair is either down to her waist or down to her ass; yet NO FUCKING COVER EVER DEPICTS THIS!
· This has been said before; but why is Mary Anne so damn tall? She’s described as being one of the shortest girls in their class! Here; she’s taller than Dawn!
· What is Jeff doing there? In the book, he’s barely there! I mean it, after the move; he goes back to Cali, so he wasn’t there to witness most of the ‘wickedness’!
· Why, OH GOD WHY IS MARY ANNE WEARING PIG-TAILS? IT’S BEEN PRETTY ESTABLISHED AT THIS POINT THAT SHE HATES THEM!
· And finally; if this is supposed to their room; WHERE THE FUCK IS THE SECRET PASSAGE? IT’S SUPPOSED TO OPEN RIGHT BY DAWN’S BED! OR IF YOU GO BY ‘THE GHOST AT DAWN’S HOUSE’; THERE’S A FUCKING STAIRWAY TO IT IN HER ROOM!
THIS IS ONLY THE COVER OF THE FUCKING PEOPLE!! I HAVEN’T EVEN GOTTEN TO THE BACK OF THE BOOK DESCRIPTION OR THE ACTUAL BOOK ITSELF YET!!
For the fuck of it; I checked the back of the book and it basically calls Mary Anne a bitch for daring to brag about a date to the dance; Tigger throwing up on a rug; and hogging Dawn’s sitting jobs, when in reality: MOST OF THAT WASN’T MARY ANNE’S FAULT! MAN, I NEVER NOTICED IT AS A KID; BUT DAWN’S A COMPLETE TWAT!!
Chapter 1:
So, we open where we left off last time; Sharon’s just thrown the bouquet and Mary Anne and Dawn are reaching for it. WHO WILL IT BE? AND THE WINNER IS…..
MARY ANNE!
Click to viewDawn, OF COURSE; just has to fucking snot about how Mary Anne caught the goddamn thing. Now she’s pissed because it was her mother’s bouquet and how she should’ve caught it!
FUCKING HELL, THIS ISN’T ABOUT YOU LITTLE GIRL! THIS IS ABOUT SOME TRADITION; IT DOESN’T REALLY MEAN ANYTHING! AND CALL ME CRAZY; BUT I PERSONALLY WOULDN'T WANT THE BOUQUET OF A BRIDE THAT’S ON HER SECOND MARRIAGE AND IS ALREADY BITCHING TO HER NEW HUSBAND AFTER ONLY AN HOUR OF BEING FUCKING MARRIED! But that’s just me.
Dawn goes on to tell us, the reader; like she really can fucking see us, about how there’s this belief that if a single woman catches the bouquet; she’s the next to be married. And that just shows how really fucked up and bitchy Dawn is, because; A. she’s only thirteen, B. She isn’t even dating anyone right now, and C. YOU ARE NOT AN INDIVIDUAL IF ALL YOU DO IS FOLLOW THE FUCKING CROWD!
Unholy Hosebeast goes on to say that even though Mary Anne and she are only thirteen; they don’t want to get married yet; but STILL! SHE SHOULD’VE CAUGHT HER MOTHER’S BOUQUET!!! SHOW ME WHERE IN http://www.etiquettehell.com/ IT SAYS THAT, BITCH!! Dawn even goes on to snot that since Mary Anne’s the one with the closeted boyfriend; she must have tried harder to get the bouquet! Especially since, Mary Anne hopes to be trapped in a loveless marriage like a less awesome version of Jack and Karen on ‘Will and Grace’. JESUS CHRIST; WHO THE FUCK PICTURES GETTING MARRIED AT THAT AGE? I BLAME MTV FOR THIS SHIT; FUCKING GLAMORIZING SHIT LIKE ‘TEEN MOMS’ AND ‘ENGAGED AND UNDER AGED’! FUCKING HELL!
So, Mary Anne’s MOST TRIUMPHANT at catching the bouquet and she celebrates; while Dawn fucking snots AGAIN! that Mary Anne nearly killed everyone getting to the fucking bouquet! Dawn, sweetie? SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH; YOU DIRTY, VEGGIE-EATING FREAK! IF YOU WANT TO SEE SOMEONE NEARLY KILLING SOMEONE FOR A FUCKING BOUQUET, WATCH ALLY MCBEAL!
AT LEAST MARY ANNE DIDN’T KNOCK ANYONE OUT!!
The rest of the Cult is happy for Mary Anne; but Dawn still has to act like a complete fucking brat and say that even though she’s doesn’t mind TOO MUCH; she’s happy that Mary Anne caught the bouquet because she’s so fucking shy. I’ll say it again;
Dawn finally congratulates Mary Anne on the catch and we get some exposition about the shit that happened IN THE LAST FUCKING BOOK! I MEAN, MY GOD! WE ALREADY KNOW THIS; WE JUST FINISHED READING THIS ANN!
So, the party breaks up and everyone departs; the newly married go off to their one night honeymoon, Jeff goes to the Pikes and the Cult head over to Mary Anne’s to ‘dish’ about the wedding. And Unholy Hosebeast just HAS to tell us that dish means gossip. NO SHIT SPARKY! WAIT A MINUTE; YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT THE CULT MEMBERS ARE GONNA HANG OUT LIKE NORMAL FUCKING TEENAGERS FOR ONCE?! HOLY SHIT, HOW THAT MAKE IT IN THE BOOK; WAS ANN SICK THAT DAY?
Anyhoo.. Dawn and Mary Anne are planning to spend one last night at Mary Anne’s; especially since the big move is TOMORROW and I’m sorry, but WHO THE FUCK THOUGHT THAT WAS WISE? I GET WANTING TO LIVE AS A FAMILY AND ALL; BUT SHOULDN’T THEY HAVE BEEN MOVING SHIT OVER TO BURNT HILL ROAD ALREADY? WHY WAIT UNDER THE DAY AFTER THE WEDDING TO MOVE; AREN’T SHARON AND RICHARD GONNA BE HUNG OVER OR LITERALLY IN A SEX COMA? (IT’S THEIR FUCKING WEDDING NIGHT AFTER ALL!)
We hear about how Charlie’s driving everyone over; and that seems…unwise. Charlie’s basically cramming NINE FUCKING PEOPLE INTO ONE CAR! I’VE TAKEN SOME CRAMPED CAR RIDES BEFORE; BUT THIS IS JUST WRONG! ENJOY PRISON CHARLIE; YOU CAN BE CELLMATES WITH WES, SCOTT AND THIS GUY:
Dawn tells us that Sharon’s changing her last name to Richard’s; and she’s now known as Sharon Spier. Of course, Miss Individual here has to bitch about the new change; and FUCK YOU PRINCESS! IT’S YOUR MOM’S CHOICE AND LOTS OF WOMEN DO IT! FUCK, I DID WHEN I GOT MARRIED; I’M OLD-FASHIONED THAT WAY! AND THE BEST PART IS; SHARON’S NOT MAKING HER DO IT TOO, SO REALLY DAWN HAS NOTHING TO FUCKING BITCH ABOUT! YOU DON’T HAVE TO CHANGE YOUR LAST NAME, SO THIS DOESN’T FUCKING CONCERN YOU, SPARKY!
The Cult gets to Mary Anne’s and as soon as they get in the house; K-Ron freaks the fuck out over the happy couple kissing at the wedding. Considering the fact that Elizabeth and Watson had to do this less than a fucking year ago; BITCH NEEDS TO LIGHTEN THE FUCK UP! Charlie takes that as his cue to run the fuck away; and go to Janine’s so that maybe she can help him locate his fucking balls.
The chapter ends with Claudia teasing Mary Anne about crying her makeup off, because BEST.FRIENDS.FOREVER.MY.ASS! and Dawn’s happy to have a new family and to be with friends.
Chapter 2:
GUESS WHAT? THE WHOLE FUCKING CHAPTER IS EXPOSITION! THE ONLY THING OF NOTE IS THAT EVERYONE GOES HOME, THE GIRLS GO TO BED AND DAWN WONDERS HOW THE NEXT DAY’S GONNA BE!
SO INSTEAD OF THAT SHIT; HERE’S SOMETHING ELSE!
THIS IS WHAT REALLY HAPPENED TO JOHNNY LAWERNCE! ENJOY!
Chapter 3:
IT’S MOVING DAY BITCHES!
Dawn says that they were up all night; because every single sound made them nervous. And these bitches are supposed to be SOOO MATURE! IF YOU’RE STILL FREAKED OUT BY ODD NOISES; NOT ONLY ARE YOU TOO YOUNG TO STAY OVERNIGHT BY YOURSELVES, BUT; YOU BITCHES SHOULDN’T EVEN BE BABYSITTING IN THE FUCKING FIRST PLACE! Then we get some exposition about the fucking Phantom Phone Caller and I don’t care. It’s hot and I have Pepsi.
The next morning; the newlyweds and Jeff come back at ten in the morning and SEE? THIS IS WHY YOU SHOULD’VE MOVED FUCKING GRADUALLY OVER TIME; BECAUSE I BET NO ONE GOT ANY FUCKING SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND IT’S A LOT TO DEAL WITH IN ONE DAY!
Anyway, Jeff is still acting formal around Richard and then, one by one, the other Cult members come over and Mary Anne starts to bawl. On the one hand; I get that it would suck to move out of the only home you’ve ever known, I did that when I moved here and I lived in my old place since I was seven. But on the other hand; IT’S ONLY A FEW BLOCKS AWAY! YOU’RE GONNA SEE EVERYONE ALL THE TIME, AT MEETINGS, SCHOOL, HANGING OUT AND EVEN SITTING! FUCKING K-RON AND STACEY HAD MORE TO CRY ABOUT WHEN THEY MOVED; BECAUSE ONE MOVED OUT OF STATE AND THE OTHER MOVED INTO ANOTHER NEIGHBORHOOD!
But, I understand because it’s a lot for one day and Mary Anne’s hardly had time to get used to the idea before today. Dawn SOMEHOW, makes it all about her again and is all butthurt about Mary Anne not wanting to leave; and that she’s not more excited about sharing a room with Dawn. Bitch even says that she has no patience for Mary Anne’s tears; and
REALLY BITCH? MARY ANNE NOT ONLY FOUND OUT THAT SHE WAS GETTING A NEW MOM, SISTER AND BROTHER; NOT ONLY THAT SHE WAS MOVING; BUT BASICALLY WITHIN DAYS OF EACH OTHER AND NOW EVERYTHING HAPPENED SO FUCKING QUICK; AND YOU’RE THE ONE THAT’S PISSY?
Then poor Mary Anne has to watch the movers load up everything to the van; and chick starts crying. Not that I blame her; that would be hard for her. Dawn snots some more about Mary Anne not being all fucking sunshine and rainbows and bitch actually thinks it’s because Mary Anne didn’t get enough sleep. NO, IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE A FUCKING TWAT DAWN! One by one, some neighbors come by with goodies; which causes Mary Anne to cry some more and Dawn’s all:
About the whole thing. (Although she wishes she was as great as Crazy Eyes!)
Once everything is packed and they head to the new place; Mary Anne’s even sadder and GUESS WHAT? DAWN’S STILL A FUCKING BITCH ABOUT IT!! I’m not even kidding guys; every single Mary Anne says or comments on; Dawn has to make a bitchy remark about. If Mary Anne complains about giving away furniture; Dawn bitches that there was no room for it. FUCKING HELL LITTLE GIRL; SHUT YOUR DAMN MOUTH AND LET MARY ANNE VENT! THIS IS NOT A VENDETTA AGAINST YOU!
They arrive at the house and it’s a mess and poor Tigger’s going crazy, because the poor thing doesn’t know where he is and he spends six hours mewing. I get that that would drive a person crazy, but it’s not the cat’s fault. Mary Anne then spends the next six hours driving the movers crazy, by chasing the cat and yelling at them. Here’s an idea; YOU HAVE A BARN! TAKE TIGGER THERE AND PLAY WITH HIM! THAT WAY, HE’S NOT IN EVERYONE’S WAY!
Mary Anne spends the rest of the day sad and doesn’t do anything else, however by the next day she’s better and the girls decide to swap outfits for school the next day. Jeff flies home that night and he’s an asshole, telling Dawn that Mary Anne is a bitch for daring to be sad the whole weekend.
FUCK THAT WHOLE FAMILY; IT’S NOTHING BUT ASSHOLES!
Chapter 4:
Apparently; we’re supposed to believe that Dawn and Mary Anne are the same size AND that they’re happy to share clothes. Ok, I never had a sister; but my mom does and she’s told me many times about how PISSED she used to get over my Aunt stealing her clothes. So I call BULLSHIT on this whole thing.
We get some club exposition for most of the chapter and then Claudia offers snacks for everyone. But, RUH-ROH! MAL DOESN’T FEEL GOOD! POOR MAL HAS A FEVER AND K-RON ACTUALLY TELLS HER TO GO HOME AND REST! JUST REMEMBER THAT IN LIKE THIRTY BOOKS; WHEN MAL HAS MONO AND YOU FORCE HER TO DO ALL YOUR FUCKING WORK!
The chapter ends with Dawn saying that Mal couldn’t be very sick; because she rides her bike home. FUCK YOU BITCH! WE ALL KNOW THAT THERE WAS NO WAY IN HELL THAT MA AND PA WERE COMING TO GET HER; AND GUESS WHAT? SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BIKE, WALK OR DRIVE HOME YOURSELF WHEN YOU’RE SICK!!
HERE’S SOMETHING BETTER FOR YOU GUYS:
Chapter 5:
GUESS WHAT YOU GUYS? MAL’S GOT THE CHICKEN POX FOR THE SECOND TIME!
WOW, SHE REALLY WAS THE BUTT MONKEY WASN’T SHE? AND THE BEST PART IS; SHE GOT FROM JAMIE AND LUCY NEWTON! BECAUSE PARENTS ARE SO FUCKING SHITTY IN STONEYBROOK; THEY HIRE BABYSITTERS WHEN THEIR KIDS ARE FUCKING SICK!
That poor girl. That’s gotta suck, having chicken pox for the second time; I’ve been there and it’s not a fun time. And is the Cult worried about their junior member at all? If you think so; this must be your first time here. No, instead they’re worried about the jobs that Mal has lined up already; because it’s not like they might have caught the chicken pox from Mal as well or anything.
Anyway, the jobs get filled; except for one that for some reason Mary Anne and Dawn fight over. DID WE JUST SKIP A CHAPTER? THEY’RE NO FIGHTING OR ANYTHING; WHY ALL THE DRAMA? And if that wasn’t batshit insane enough; Dawn says that she wants the job because she wants to buy Mary Anne a ‘now-we’re sisters’ present; because Mary Anne surprised her with one on the day of the wedding!
DAWN WAS THE FUCKING ONE WHO BROUGHT MARY ANNE A GIFT!! IT WAS ONLY THE LAST FUCKING BOOK AND YOU WROTE THEM BOTH, ANN! FOR FUCK’S SAKE; PUT DOWN THE PIPE AND PAY FUCKING ATTENTION FOR ONCE!
Then we get the bullshit back and forth; ‘I deserve the job because your pothead mother mother couldn’t be assed to fucking pack anything’; ‘No, I deserve the job because the fucking editors can’t make up their fucking minds over who owes who a fucking gift; even though it was the last fucking book!’ This leads to the best, MOST EPIC COMEBACK! ARE YOU READY?
MARY ANNE STRAIGHT UP TELLS DAWN THAT HER ASS IS TOO BIG TO BE WEARING MARY ANNE’S SKIRT! I KNOW THIS HAS BEEN DONE TO DEATH; BUT I HAVE TO USE IT AGAIN!
DAWN, YOU JUST GOT OWNED BITCH!!
Everyone gasps at that and I laugh my ass off; BECAUSE MARY ANNE’S BURNS ARE THE BEST AND DAWN FUCKING DESERVED IT! Dawn asks if Mary Anne’s implying that she’s fat and SHE’S NOT IMPLYING ANYTHING! SHE’S FUCKING FLAT-OUT TELLING YOU, YOU’RE FAT! K-Ron bangs her fist on the table and tells them all to calm the fuck down. Then Mrs. Newton calls to apologize for making Mal sick; but first needs a sitter.
After that shit; since the two girls can’t decide who gets the job; K-Ron makes them draw straws for the job and that leads to ANOTHER fight over who gets to draw first. JUST GET ON WITH IT ALREADY!! Turns out that Mary Anne gets the job! So now Dawn’s PISSED and she brings up the bouquet AGAIN!!
SERIOUSLY BITCH? MOVE THE FUCK ON!!
She tells Mary Anne to have fun at the job and she hopes that the Perkins’ girls are monsters; which we all know wouldn’t happen in Ann’s world. After the job; the two girls make up and Mary Anne says that Gabbie’s gonna be in ‘The Three Piggy Opera’ and that Myriah wrote letters to the President and Cam Geary; causing Mary Anne to spike her milk to go to sleep; because she dared to like him too!
Everything’s cool for now; but will it stay that way?
That’s all for now, more will come soon! Plus, more snarks on my personal page; so keep checking! Thank you for reading and commenting and I’ll see you soon!