#114 The Secret Life Of Mary Anne Spier
"shiny shiny, shiny boots of leather..."
This is an odd one. Perhaps because it’s the twelfth Christmas we’ve celebrated with the BSC in the last five books? Okay I exaggerate…just. The cover is uncharacteristically all gold and sparkly, I’d like to think it’s because, Simpsons-style, AMM is excited about it being book #114!!! But I think it’s actually because it is a Christmas-related book. Oh, okay, I really think it’s sparkly because they were trying to drum up some interest for a fast-dwindling series. Either way, it clashes nastily with Mary Anne's floral side panel.
Chapter 1: We launch right into the action, Mary Anne is getting “thrills right through” her body as she uses Richard’s credit card to go Christmas shopping at the Mall. Kristy’s a bit more disdainful - Mary Anne thinks it’s because her step-father is a millionare. Eh, Lila Fowler she ain’t. Only page two and already we get unintentional brilliance - Mary Anne has got Sharon a book called Veggies Rule. “The book isn’t only a cookbook; it also has great art and amusing stories about vegetables.” Okay, so art about vegetables is plausible, (still life and everything) but how many of you have amusing stories about vegetables? For some reason I could only think of carrots. And Stacey. And the sleepover they’ll never forget. Anywho, MA goes nuts buying presents for everyone, really extravagant ones. And then they have to zoom to catch the bus or “oh noes!” Kristy will be late to her own cult meeting!
Chapter 2: Kristy outruns Mary Anne to Claudia’s, has “clenched” fists, and barely cracks a smile when people tease her about it being 5.30 on the dot. Mary Anne introduces everyone by imagining what she got for them and using that to explain their personalities. She got Claudia an art set with pastels, markers, etc…I can’t figure out if this is thoughtful or really dumb. On the one hand, Claudia loves art supplies…but on the other hand (and I don’t know if anyone else knows what I mean) I can’t help but picture those really shitty “art kits” that were around when I was a kid that had markers (which ran out immediately) useless watercolour tablets, crayons, a little pencil sharpener, stuff like that, and came in a black plastic case. Methinks I am overthinking the situation.
MA got Mallory a photo album and Jessi tickets to see the Nutcracker in Stamford!!?? Whhaaaat? Guess we know which one is MA’s favourite eleven year old! Mal is “not gorgeous” but cute. Oh and she awesomely says “her looks might change a lot in the next few years.” There is a silent, implied “and they better!” after that. Jessi is talented, African-American, etc (is it wrong that whenever they introduce Jessi in Chapter Two, I get “Young, Gifted And Black” stuck in my head?) Stacey gets some cheetah print earmuffs, with a matching hat and scarf, and - wtf!? Abby and Kristy get the same gift, a catcher’s mitt. Oh, I can see Kristy being sooooo happy about this. You’d think Mary Anne The Supposedly Sensitive would have picked up on this.
The kids in hospital at Christmas need toys, and “due to budget cuts” the hospital (ie Dr Johannsen) can’t organise it this year. But the BSC can! And everyone thinks it’s an awesome idea!
Chapter 3: At the house of Schafer-Spier, we learn that Richard has made stew. With beef and tofu in it. Martyr Anne sighs and says that “fair is fair.” Sharon can pick out the beef, Mary Anne can pick out the tofu. Is it just me, or is this absolutely ridiculous? I’m no vegetarian, but if I was, and my husband handed me a beef-strewn bowlful of stew and was all “just pick out the meat!” I’d throw it at his head. First of all, the beef flavour would have permeated everything…secondly, what a waste…thirdly I’m sure there are a thousand ways around this. You know, make a separate stew, (they’re one-pot and don’t require constant attention, so it would hardly be a stretch) or just have vegetable stew with steak on the side, or just harden the fuck up and try some vegetarian food occasionally?
After dinner, MA wraps her presents with the extravagant paper and trimming - “who can resist ribbon?” Not me, MA! Anyway, some boring mathematical interludes (sorry to all the Staceys - Stacies? - out there, I am woefully pitiful at anything maths-related) prove that Mary Anne is in no way able to pay her dad back with her baby sitting money, especially with interest added on top of everything. Now, I can understand getting excited about spending and going over budget, but if something is that pricy in the first place, wouldn’t you notice?
Chapter 4: Mary Anne decides to get a job to get some more moolah. I briefly imagined her “secret life” to involve her being the ‘brook’s first prostitute…her prostitute name could have been “Proud Mary.” Sadly, this is not the case, as instead she ends up being one of those elves who hang out with the mall Santa. Also applying for the job is a girl who Mary Anne describes in loving detail - “short, frizzy red hair framing her face like some kind of halo” - “flawless skin and fine features were so delicate she would have reminded me of an angel, except that her bright green eyes were heavily rimmed with smudgy eye makeup.” Oh and her name is Angela. Okay first of all, the heavy-handed angel comparisons are making MA/the ghostie sound weird, and secondly, I think this is what Mal imagines she will wake up looking like the day she turns 13.
Mary Anne decides to keep it a secret, because heaven forbid that her father know she is in financial trouble but has decided to take relatively sensible action about it. Whatevs.
Chapter 5: Kristy decides to have a fair to fundraise for the orphans or whatever. Can I just point out that a mere 14 books earlier, the BSC was all “enough with the fairs! Fairs will tear us apart again!” and now they couldn’t BE more enthusiastic?
It will be called the Santa-Hanukkah-Kwanzaa Town. So. It just seems odd not to say “Christmas.” Anyway, part of the shenanigans will be collecting food donations to feed people at the fair. Which sounds kind of complicated…
Stacey thinks it is hilarious that Char-Jo wants to give away all the “gross” food like “A jar of oyster sauce, cardboard drums of wheat grain, oatmeal, and puffed rice.” If anyone tried to give away my oatmeal and oyster sauce, I would seriously cut a bitch.
Chapter 6: Mary Anne commences her mall job, trying to keep it on the d-low. Richard calls her a mall cat. Richard is a bit of a tool in this book. Mary Anne *accidentally* walks in on Angela wearing only “a bra and slip.” I’m glad she didn’t start harping on (get it?) about how Angela’s slip was like a robe of silk and she heard angelic choruses erupting when she gazed upon her breasts. Seriously, I’m glad. But when I first read this book I thought it was going to be one of those “A Wonderful Life” style editions where the main character says “I wish I’d never been born” and then an angel appears and shows how if the character wasn’t born everyone would be alcoholics with greasy hair and the church roof never would have got fixed.
Chapter 7: Mary Anne bitches about how difficult her job is. Then they go to the airport to pick up Dawn and Jeff for Christmas! (Or should that be Santa-Time!) There is a weird sense of anti climax here - Dawn is all “oh hai” to Mary Anne who, stone the crows, doesn’t even cry. In an interesting bit of overlapping, we get California Diaries Dawn, who has begun hanging out with college kids. It doesn’t quite sit right, but it is hilarious that she’s casually disdainful of the BSC. Oh and “her teeth seemed especially dazzling” notes Mary Anne. We segue into another day on the job at the mall, where Mary Anne sees Angela crying golden angel tears. But why?
Chapter 8: Dawn and Logan have some Q.T with Mary Anne, who is tired from working hard for the money. Oh the irony - the go to the mall! Mary Anne is all tense and everything is weird, and then and Friendly’s for lunch, Dawn stalks off to shop because “I can’t stand to sit here and watch you guys eat meat.” Seriously, it’s like the ghostwriters really didn’t give a shit by this stage. I don’t see how we are supposed to care about her, or indeed, how she plans to get on in society, with statements like that.
Chapter 9: Abby and Jessi babysitting = waaaaank. From the moment I saw their “I know what you mean, Jessi” conversational notebook entry I wanted to skip the entire chapter. Briefly: They try and clean up old toys for games and prizes and donations at the fair, paint gets everywhere, and, er, Jackie glues some blocks to his head. On purpose! What a blockhead!!
Chapter 10: We find out that Angela lives at the Stoneybrook Woman’s Shelter. This is actually quite sad. She has been kicked out of home for having smudgy eyeliner or something. Her parents only want her to hang out with “white middle class” kids (what, no upper middle class?) and there is “not much room for individuality” in her home. Since Mary Anne didn’t mention any tattoos or excessive piercing in her keen assessment of Angela’s overall appearance, she must be even more innately unique than Dawn! Maybe they could get together to discuss what it’s like to be an individual with your own opinions! But really, Angela seems pretty likeable and this subplot gets the heartstrings a-tugging more than the pointless filler mess that is Kristy’s fair.
Chapter 11: Mary Anne makes Dawn babysit for the Bruno kids because she has to work at the Mall, but she can’t tell Dawn why. You’d think since Dawn is all about the individuality that she wouldn’t mind MA having such an “embarrassing” job but there you go. Angela tried to call her parents but they weren’t having it. Aw. Anyway, Dawn brings the kids to the mall! And Mary Anne is worried they’ll recognise her! Which is completely stupid as she has a giant scary elf head on. But then Hunter knows it’s her. Which is very, very strange. Mary Anne is all “this is our secret, little girl!” (I know, Hunter is a boy. I’m surprised one of the Hobart kids isn’t called Hunter, come to think of it.)
Chapter 12: Dawn and Mary Anne finally quit being distant (not the good kind!!) and awkward and have one of their wussy, passive aggressive fights. It comes out that MA works as an elf, and that Dawn is insecure and nervous about going to school with older kids. Bleh. Mary Anne asks Richard and Sharon if Angela can come over for Christmas. Richard is all “no more individuals in the damn house!” until Sharon reminds him that her parents sent her over to Cali when she was a teen because they didn’t like him. Makes me wonder just what kind of bad-assery went down for that kind of extreme behaviour. Anyway, Angela will get her Christmas in Connecticut after all.
Chapter 13: The SHK fair. Is successful. And boring.
Chaper 14: Last day on the job. Angela is greatful for the invite, and Mary Anne buys her some phone cards. Even though she wasn’t supposed to be spending money? MA talks to Claudia, who I had forgotten existed. Their exchange is so pointless that it is blatant that the ghostwriter had forgotten about Claudia too and thought she oughta have a little screen time.
Chapter 15: She’s confessing! To Richard and Sharon. Richard is kind of angry, but with exquisite Stoner Wisdom, Sharon says “If Mary Anne hadn’t told us, we’d have never known.” Oh Sharon. I really want to spend an afternoon drinking herbal tea and making brownies with her. I’d never put beef in your casserole!
Angela is happy and contented and warm and whatnot, even though her attempt to call her parents ends badly. Jeff appears (remember him? Yeah he flew over with Dawn too.) and whaddya know, It’s A Wonderful Life is on TV. Happy, happy, happy. Anne’s letter is completely pointless. The end… until the next damned Christmas book, I’m guessing it’s only another four books away!