BSC Cover Snarks: 46-55
Here's some more ridiculous covers for your viewing pleasure. And my snarking pleasure.
#46: Mary Anne Misses Logan: I was WAITING to come across this cover. This cover is one that legitimately makes NO sense. Okay, so maybe this little rollerskating scene happened in the book. But at the same time, what in the WORLD does it have to do with Mary Anne missing Logan?! Did she faint at the roller rink because she missed him so badly? Did she see him making out with Cokie right then and there? Claudia's fabulous purple vest and fedora combo does nothing to lessen the nonsense!
#47: Mallory on Strike: Cover is from snarker aibheaog. This cover is WAY too fucking happy for what actually goes on in the book. NO. It is not all about laughing and playing with leaves and having fun with your friendsies. It's about Mallory being shat upon and shat upon and shat upon in the worst possible way by her OWN FAMILY until she finally decides to fuck this gay earth. This is the book that made me realize the Pike parents are fucking monsters. And why the hell is Nicky inexplicably blonde?
Also FUCK that hook too. Gee, I wonder HOW Mal can ever get tired of babysitting WHEN SHE IS PRACTICALLY THE SURROGATE PARENT TO SEVEN CHILDREN. AT THE AGE OF ELEVEN. BECAUSE HER OWN PARENTS DON'T GIVE A FLYING SHIT ABOUT THEIR OWN KIDS.
#48: Jessi's Wish: Do Jessi books always come after Mallory books? Jessi's hoops are brilliant up against that very unexpected checked flannel. I forget if this was the Christmas book or not but it looks too warm for Christmas. Becca is adorable in that orange ensemble and Danielle is adorable with that kitten. I don't have anything bad to say.
#49: Claudia and the Genius of Elm Street: Ugh, Rosie Wilder. I find it very hard not to hate her. Poor, poor Claudia. Don't worry, Claud, you'll always have Rosie beat in the fashion department because your outfit is adorable and those hoops and matching scrunchies are amazing.
#50: Dawn's Big Date: Dawn brings the bitchface. WHY is there a random child there with her on her DATE? I cannot think of this book without thinking about the torment of poor little Norman Hill. I guess Dawn is trying to look mature in that black top. But the only thing that makes her look mature is that these illustrators don't know what a 13-year-old's face looks like.
#51: Stacey's Ex Best Friend: Laine outshines CLAUDIA. Those oversized shirts on Dawn are really beginning to grind my gears. Laine's "I don't have time for this bullshit" face is the face I have when reading through most BSC books for a snark.
#52: Mary Anne + 2 Many Babies: This cover creeps me out like you wouldn't believe. Mary Anne looks like a teen mom here. How many people unfamiliar with the BSC--or even FAMILIAR with the BSC--might look at this and think those are HER babies? The outfit, the hair, the fact that she looks way too happy pushing that stroller...*shudder*
#53: Kristy for President: OH DEAR GOD NO. NO KRISTY FOR PRESIDENT. If Kristy were the president of my ANYTHING I would start a fucking violent revolution. For some reason it's really hard to find this cover, but there's two. This one shows how willing Kristy is to rope kids into whatever her scheme of the day is. Yeah, go ahead and force the 2-year-old to help you campaign.
This one is much better, except nobody would ever, ever be that happy about the prospect of Kristy as the class president. Especially not the BSC, who already knows what that little bitch is like in a position of "authority."
#54: Mallory and the Dream Horse: We FINALLY get a cover of Mallory looking truly comfortable and in her element! She looks fabulous on that GORGEOUS white Arabian horse! A white Arabian! Mallory, of all people, gets to have a white Arabian! That makes me irrationally happy.
#55: Jessi's Gold Medal: My god, Jessi covers, and books, and chapters, and anythings are SO FUCKING BORING. There is nothing special, remarkable, snarkworthy, or rageworthy about this cover except for the fact that Jessi looks 17. Yes, go for it, Jessi. I'll be over here doing something more productive than reading a book about you.
The next cover has one of Claudia's VERY BEST cover outfits (it even won number one on Definitive Ranking!). I am excite.
#46: Mary Anne Misses Logan: I was WAITING to come across this cover. This cover is one that legitimately makes NO sense. Okay, so maybe this little rollerskating scene happened in the book. But at the same time, what in the WORLD does it have to do with Mary Anne missing Logan?! Did she faint at the roller rink because she missed him so badly? Did she see him making out with Cokie right then and there? Claudia's fabulous purple vest and fedora combo does nothing to lessen the nonsense!
#47: Mallory on Strike: Cover is from snarker aibheaog. This cover is WAY too fucking happy for what actually goes on in the book. NO. It is not all about laughing and playing with leaves and having fun with your friendsies. It's about Mallory being shat upon and shat upon and shat upon in the worst possible way by her OWN FAMILY until she finally decides to fuck this gay earth. This is the book that made me realize the Pike parents are fucking monsters. And why the hell is Nicky inexplicably blonde?
Also FUCK that hook too. Gee, I wonder HOW Mal can ever get tired of babysitting WHEN SHE IS PRACTICALLY THE SURROGATE PARENT TO SEVEN CHILDREN. AT THE AGE OF ELEVEN. BECAUSE HER OWN PARENTS DON'T GIVE A FLYING SHIT ABOUT THEIR OWN KIDS.
#48: Jessi's Wish: Do Jessi books always come after Mallory books? Jessi's hoops are brilliant up against that very unexpected checked flannel. I forget if this was the Christmas book or not but it looks too warm for Christmas. Becca is adorable in that orange ensemble and Danielle is adorable with that kitten. I don't have anything bad to say.
#49: Claudia and the Genius of Elm Street: Ugh, Rosie Wilder. I find it very hard not to hate her. Poor, poor Claudia. Don't worry, Claud, you'll always have Rosie beat in the fashion department because your outfit is adorable and those hoops and matching scrunchies are amazing.
#50: Dawn's Big Date: Dawn brings the bitchface. WHY is there a random child there with her on her DATE? I cannot think of this book without thinking about the torment of poor little Norman Hill. I guess Dawn is trying to look mature in that black top. But the only thing that makes her look mature is that these illustrators don't know what a 13-year-old's face looks like.
#51: Stacey's Ex Best Friend: Laine outshines CLAUDIA. Those oversized shirts on Dawn are really beginning to grind my gears. Laine's "I don't have time for this bullshit" face is the face I have when reading through most BSC books for a snark.
#52: Mary Anne + 2 Many Babies: This cover creeps me out like you wouldn't believe. Mary Anne looks like a teen mom here. How many people unfamiliar with the BSC--or even FAMILIAR with the BSC--might look at this and think those are HER babies? The outfit, the hair, the fact that she looks way too happy pushing that stroller...*shudder*
#53: Kristy for President: OH DEAR GOD NO. NO KRISTY FOR PRESIDENT. If Kristy were the president of my ANYTHING I would start a fucking violent revolution. For some reason it's really hard to find this cover, but there's two. This one shows how willing Kristy is to rope kids into whatever her scheme of the day is. Yeah, go ahead and force the 2-year-old to help you campaign.
This one is much better, except nobody would ever, ever be that happy about the prospect of Kristy as the class president. Especially not the BSC, who already knows what that little bitch is like in a position of "authority."
#54: Mallory and the Dream Horse: We FINALLY get a cover of Mallory looking truly comfortable and in her element! She looks fabulous on that GORGEOUS white Arabian horse! A white Arabian! Mallory, of all people, gets to have a white Arabian! That makes me irrationally happy.
#55: Jessi's Gold Medal: My god, Jessi covers, and books, and chapters, and anythings are SO FUCKING BORING. There is nothing special, remarkable, snarkworthy, or rageworthy about this cover except for the fact that Jessi looks 17. Yes, go for it, Jessi. I'll be over here doing something more productive than reading a book about you.
The next cover has one of Claudia's VERY BEST cover outfits (it even won number one on Definitive Ranking!). I am excite.