Abby and the Best Kid Ever (6-10)
We now bring you back to your regularly scheduled lack of empathy, forced child labor, inability/refusal to do your own homework, and judgey eyes of the BSC.
Chapter 6
The Papadakises are setting up a breakfast picnic to welcome the McNallys, caring about their neighbors way more than most real-life neighbors do. For some reason, Abby has to sit for the kids, including Jay, while this is going on. Because even though the kids will still be supervised because the McNallys and Papadakises will be RIGHT FUCKING THERE, just temporarily busy, and even though Jay is RIGHT FUCKING THERE as well, they still need a babysitter because Stoneybrook is on crack. Also this is a really fucking expensive reason to board a dog at a kennel.
So during the picnic, Lou spills jelly on her t-shirt and begins freaking out, apologizing profusely. Mrs. McNally tells her it's fine but Lou won't take "it's fine" for an answer. Because she is traumatized and terrified and insecure in her place in the world and this NEEDS TO BE ADDRESSED BEYOND "IT'S FINE." After that, Lou drops a box while helping Abby with the moving (if she's right there AND can help, WHY IS ABBY "BABYSITTING?") and cries, begging her not to tell her aunt and uncle. Abby agrees, even though this is exactly the thing she really needs to tell her aunt and uncle if they won't pick up on it themselves. Getting a kid a puppy will NOT solve a child's deep-seeded abandonment issues!
Stacey shows up with the Rodowski kids, because a truly responsible babysitter will just hop over to the neighbors' house while sitting for three kids who don't even know said neighbors. Oh, and Jackie the Walking Disaster is hilarious! Because a young child who suffers continual pain and humiliation is nothing but an amusing plaything for teenaged girls! Stacey sees how nice and helpful Lou's being and is just like "Is that the REAL Lou?" Confirming that these bitches truly did continue thinking of Lou as a bad kid, despite claiming to have learned why she acted the way she did. You know what, girls, maybe if you have no ability to muster up some fucking empathy for someone who may not have been born with the same silver spoon in their mouth as you (or for a kid who constantly experiences painful and embarrassing mishaps that are usually NOT his fault), THEN YOU SHOULD NOT BE LOOKING AFTER CHILDREN.
So the sitters take the kids to the playground and now for some reason there are a whole bunch of kids, even though it was originally only supposed to be the McNallys and the Papadakises. Even the Seven Deadly Pikes have come out of complete nowhere. Lou refuses to play because she's afraid of getting dirty, and then cries when some mud splashes on her anyway. Abby has nothing to say except "It's okay, Lou." Seriously, Abby, INFORM THE AUNT AND UNCLE because no child should ever be this anxious! But instead, Abby decides that now is the best time to round up all the kids and entice them into her school project. And for some reason not a single kid tells her off for trying to rope them into doing HER homework for her when they already have their own to worry about. Add this to the big, extensive list of Things That Would Never Ever Happen in Real Life. These books are practically fairy tales for tween girl fantasies. So, not only does Abby have to rope these kids into doing the work for her, she can't even come up with her own damn theme for the project and they have to do THAT for her too. And they're all too busy bouncing off the wall about a "big important middle school project" to tell her to piss off. I cannot think of a single kid who would be so willing to do a middle schooler's homework for them.
Chapter 7
It is decided that the Underground Railroad will be the theme of the project. Stoneybrook has an Underground Railroad stop because of course it does, and it's under Mary Anne's house because of course it fucking is. Abby decides that she's going to do a video, and no less than THIRTEEN KIDS show up for this. I call bullshit, shenanigans, and ridiculousness all at the same fucking time. After talking over the video, they go to the library to do their research.
There is a sudden "NERRRRRRRD!" joke about Stacey that comes out of complete nowhere, because if a kid is good at math, it means they're so much of a dork that they read accounting books for fun! Lou appoints herself as Abby's personal assistant, and Abby asks her to go find a book for her. The librarian tells Lou that the book is on the cart, and because the entire BSCverse hates Lou for existing, her attempts to remove a book from a cart result in the entire cart tipping over and every book spilling everywhere. Lou freaks out and apologizes profusely and scrambles around picking up the books...and in the process, she ends up putting away the book that Abby needed. This causes Abby to start getting all "Out of my way, incompetent fool!" and she tells her to go carry the other books back to her table just to get her to go away. Lou mishears this, and thinks that she meant to only carry the new books she just picked out back to the table, and put the books that were already there back on the shelves. Abby discovers this and bitches that she NEEDS those books, dammit! The books are found, and Abby snarkily "thanks" Lou before calling her a "one-kid wrecking crew." THEN HOW ABOUT YOU DO YOUR OWN FUCKING PROJECT AND LEAVE HER ALONE?!
Chapter 8
Abby films the kids getting more excited about the Underground Railroad than kids should ever be. In the meantime, she snarks that Kristy is being "judgemental" even though for once in her life, she has shut the fuck up and it's a miracle. TREASURE it, Abby! If I were in that club, I would give ANYTHING to get Kristy to shut the fuck up, including but not limited to the time and energy to cut her vocal cords out while she sleeps. After the filming, the kids all make popcorn. Abby gets judgey and says that Lou is dressed just like Jenny Prezziozo, except she's dressed nothing like Jenny Prezziozo. So a striped sweater and corduroy pants is prissy now? Because it matches? Not everyone is going to dress like Claudia, Abby. As cool as that would be...but also not, because then she wouldn't be an individual anymore. D: Fuck off, you just want an excuse to snark at Lou even more than you already have.
Abby decides that Lou is just struggling to adjust to the move. She recaps that she acted super polite when dropped off at Abby's, while looking at her aunt to make sure she approved. Okay, that has nothing to do with moving. At all. With all the sensitivity she can muster, Abby expresses a desire to call Lou out for not acting like a kid. Well, you missed it when she spent an entire book acting like a kid and was called the worst kid ever for it. She even SAYS that it's probably because she's afraid that "her history of extreme misbehavior might be used against her." Well if you fucking know that, why is it so PUZZLING to you that she refuses to come out of her shell?! Your nasty piece of shit club ruined her! They encouraged her that playing and having fun in her own way was nasty behavior and that it made her a bad kid, for crying out loud! She's convinced that she's a horrible kid that her aunt and uncle wouldn't want because of YOUR piece of shit club!
So at a BSC meeting, the cultsters discuss how unnatural Lou is and it makes me want to kick a puppy. Everytime one of these girls completely and utterly fails at basic kindness, a puppy dies. Think of the damn puppies! And then the subject changes from Lou to Abby getting on her high horse about how her project is the best project ever. It's barely even her project! It's the kids' project that she's taking all the credit for and doing very little of the work for! And THEN Kristy gets judgey about it, but only after she actually opens her bitch ass mouth. Abby, go for the vocal cords! Or better yet, just wrap your arms around her throat and squeeze.
Chapter 9
Babysitting chapter involving the Addisons. I thought the McNallys were moving into their old house? So why are they still here? I am so confused. So it turns out one of the reasons Sean used to be so rough around the edges is because he was bullied at school for having a babysitter three years his senior, because STOP ASSIGNING 13-YEAR-OLDS TO LOOK AFTER 10-YEAR-OLDS AND LET A REAL GROWN-UP DO IT. Oh god. It's the abusive asshole dad from Claudia and the Terrible Truth (I am not looking forward to having to snark that). Fuck this, I cannot read any chapters involving that creepy bastard and those poor, poor kids.
Chapter 10
So apparently Sean was acting up in that chapter I noped out of. Run, Sean. Run before you suffer the same fate as poor Lou. Abby admits that her project is "barely existent" but she checks with the historical society for some primary sources. I'm surprised she didn't get the kids to do that too. After reading some periodicals, she decides that her video is going to be a mock news report, and actually references a current-to-the-times show, The 60 Minutes Interview (but in a previous book, mentioned failing her math test because she got so damn absorbed in Leave It to Beaver, of all things). She rounds up the kids and tells them that this is the dealio. The fact that they're all silent just screams to me that they think this is the shittiest idea to ever take a shit, but Abby's just like "Oh I can HEAR their brains working!" And I can't hear yours, because it appears to have gone on vacation.
So, of course every single last one of Lou's attempts to help fail miserably, and at this point it is legitimately just shitting on Lou for the sake of shitting on Lou. So she can be a second Walking Disaster for Abby to bitch about. She tries to help sew the costumes, and not only sews them all to eachother (how the FUCK does that work?!) but slices through her finger with the machine (OW!). And then she erases Abby's script after hitting the wrong button. There is legitimately no reason for ANY of this to happen, except to establish Lou as the butt monkey who can't get anything right. To establish her as a true "worst kid ever" whose every attempt to be good fails, because she is inherently evil straight to the bone and you can never extinguish the demon inside of her. And this hits too fucking close to home so I need to stop before I cry. I should be laughing while typing these snarks, not crying.
Abby expresses a desire to call Lou out for her rigidity again, more for her own sake than for Lou's. She just wants her off of her own back. Jay has made friends to act like a toddler with because 11-year-olds are now preschoolers along with everyone else below...you know what, as of the Claudia "7th grade arc," so are 12-year-olds. So at this point everyone below the age of 13 is officially a toddler in BSC World. This kind of shit REALLY bothered me as a kid. Why publish a series of books meant for 9 to 12 year olds, that basically tells said 9 to 12 year olds they're nothing but stupid, immature babies until they hit the magical age of 13?
Abby finally consults Jay about Lou's anxiety, because you always go to the child before you go to the parents. She is legitimately speaking to Jay about this as if she WERE speaking to a parent, so I guess Jay is only an infant when he's not Lou's parent. And he's only Lou's parent as an excuse to not involve the aunt and uncle, the ones who SHOULD know about this first thing. These books are absolutely ridiculous with their idealization of how kids can do everything themselves without any help from a grown-up. It's an absolutely dangerous message to put into a tween's head. Anyway, this chapter culminates in more mishaps with Lou, who is only trying to help but ends up ruining several shots of the video while doing so. After ruining a scene completely, Lou begs and pleads with Abby not to be mad and not to tell her aunt and uncle. Abby's response is to finally snap at her to lighten up and stop apologizing. Lou gets scared, apologizes one last time, and then runs away. And I will say it again: I wish she had never come back to Stoneybrook. I wish she could have stayed in whatever sane, non-Stoneybrook town she had been living in with her aunt, uncle, and brother. Maybe a town with a good therapy program that would have helped Lou address her fears and insecurities and the trauma of her childhood. A beautiful place far, far away from the Bullshit Club that could have gotten Lou the help she needed. Instead, she is placed once again at the mercy of the girls who bullied her into believing she's a horrible kid in the first place.
So glad this is over because I'm about to cry.
Chapter 6
The Papadakises are setting up a breakfast picnic to welcome the McNallys, caring about their neighbors way more than most real-life neighbors do. For some reason, Abby has to sit for the kids, including Jay, while this is going on. Because even though the kids will still be supervised because the McNallys and Papadakises will be RIGHT FUCKING THERE, just temporarily busy, and even though Jay is RIGHT FUCKING THERE as well, they still need a babysitter because Stoneybrook is on crack. Also this is a really fucking expensive reason to board a dog at a kennel.
So during the picnic, Lou spills jelly on her t-shirt and begins freaking out, apologizing profusely. Mrs. McNally tells her it's fine but Lou won't take "it's fine" for an answer. Because she is traumatized and terrified and insecure in her place in the world and this NEEDS TO BE ADDRESSED BEYOND "IT'S FINE." After that, Lou drops a box while helping Abby with the moving (if she's right there AND can help, WHY IS ABBY "BABYSITTING?") and cries, begging her not to tell her aunt and uncle. Abby agrees, even though this is exactly the thing she really needs to tell her aunt and uncle if they won't pick up on it themselves. Getting a kid a puppy will NOT solve a child's deep-seeded abandonment issues!
Stacey shows up with the Rodowski kids, because a truly responsible babysitter will just hop over to the neighbors' house while sitting for three kids who don't even know said neighbors. Oh, and Jackie the Walking Disaster is hilarious! Because a young child who suffers continual pain and humiliation is nothing but an amusing plaything for teenaged girls! Stacey sees how nice and helpful Lou's being and is just like "Is that the REAL Lou?" Confirming that these bitches truly did continue thinking of Lou as a bad kid, despite claiming to have learned why she acted the way she did. You know what, girls, maybe if you have no ability to muster up some fucking empathy for someone who may not have been born with the same silver spoon in their mouth as you (or for a kid who constantly experiences painful and embarrassing mishaps that are usually NOT his fault), THEN YOU SHOULD NOT BE LOOKING AFTER CHILDREN.
So the sitters take the kids to the playground and now for some reason there are a whole bunch of kids, even though it was originally only supposed to be the McNallys and the Papadakises. Even the Seven Deadly Pikes have come out of complete nowhere. Lou refuses to play because she's afraid of getting dirty, and then cries when some mud splashes on her anyway. Abby has nothing to say except "It's okay, Lou." Seriously, Abby, INFORM THE AUNT AND UNCLE because no child should ever be this anxious! But instead, Abby decides that now is the best time to round up all the kids and entice them into her school project. And for some reason not a single kid tells her off for trying to rope them into doing HER homework for her when they already have their own to worry about. Add this to the big, extensive list of Things That Would Never Ever Happen in Real Life. These books are practically fairy tales for tween girl fantasies. So, not only does Abby have to rope these kids into doing the work for her, she can't even come up with her own damn theme for the project and they have to do THAT for her too. And they're all too busy bouncing off the wall about a "big important middle school project" to tell her to piss off. I cannot think of a single kid who would be so willing to do a middle schooler's homework for them.
Chapter 7
It is decided that the Underground Railroad will be the theme of the project. Stoneybrook has an Underground Railroad stop because of course it does, and it's under Mary Anne's house because of course it fucking is. Abby decides that she's going to do a video, and no less than THIRTEEN KIDS show up for this. I call bullshit, shenanigans, and ridiculousness all at the same fucking time. After talking over the video, they go to the library to do their research.
There is a sudden "NERRRRRRRD!" joke about Stacey that comes out of complete nowhere, because if a kid is good at math, it means they're so much of a dork that they read accounting books for fun! Lou appoints herself as Abby's personal assistant, and Abby asks her to go find a book for her. The librarian tells Lou that the book is on the cart, and because the entire BSCverse hates Lou for existing, her attempts to remove a book from a cart result in the entire cart tipping over and every book spilling everywhere. Lou freaks out and apologizes profusely and scrambles around picking up the books...and in the process, she ends up putting away the book that Abby needed. This causes Abby to start getting all "Out of my way, incompetent fool!" and she tells her to go carry the other books back to her table just to get her to go away. Lou mishears this, and thinks that she meant to only carry the new books she just picked out back to the table, and put the books that were already there back on the shelves. Abby discovers this and bitches that she NEEDS those books, dammit! The books are found, and Abby snarkily "thanks" Lou before calling her a "one-kid wrecking crew." THEN HOW ABOUT YOU DO YOUR OWN FUCKING PROJECT AND LEAVE HER ALONE?!
Chapter 8
Abby films the kids getting more excited about the Underground Railroad than kids should ever be. In the meantime, she snarks that Kristy is being "judgemental" even though for once in her life, she has shut the fuck up and it's a miracle. TREASURE it, Abby! If I were in that club, I would give ANYTHING to get Kristy to shut the fuck up, including but not limited to the time and energy to cut her vocal cords out while she sleeps. After the filming, the kids all make popcorn. Abby gets judgey and says that Lou is dressed just like Jenny Prezziozo, except she's dressed nothing like Jenny Prezziozo. So a striped sweater and corduroy pants is prissy now? Because it matches? Not everyone is going to dress like Claudia, Abby. As cool as that would be...but also not, because then she wouldn't be an individual anymore. D: Fuck off, you just want an excuse to snark at Lou even more than you already have.
Abby decides that Lou is just struggling to adjust to the move. She recaps that she acted super polite when dropped off at Abby's, while looking at her aunt to make sure she approved. Okay, that has nothing to do with moving. At all. With all the sensitivity she can muster, Abby expresses a desire to call Lou out for not acting like a kid. Well, you missed it when she spent an entire book acting like a kid and was called the worst kid ever for it. She even SAYS that it's probably because she's afraid that "her history of extreme misbehavior might be used against her." Well if you fucking know that, why is it so PUZZLING to you that she refuses to come out of her shell?! Your nasty piece of shit club ruined her! They encouraged her that playing and having fun in her own way was nasty behavior and that it made her a bad kid, for crying out loud! She's convinced that she's a horrible kid that her aunt and uncle wouldn't want because of YOUR piece of shit club!
So at a BSC meeting, the cultsters discuss how unnatural Lou is and it makes me want to kick a puppy. Everytime one of these girls completely and utterly fails at basic kindness, a puppy dies. Think of the damn puppies! And then the subject changes from Lou to Abby getting on her high horse about how her project is the best project ever. It's barely even her project! It's the kids' project that she's taking all the credit for and doing very little of the work for! And THEN Kristy gets judgey about it, but only after she actually opens her bitch ass mouth. Abby, go for the vocal cords! Or better yet, just wrap your arms around her throat and squeeze.
Chapter 9
Babysitting chapter involving the Addisons. I thought the McNallys were moving into their old house? So why are they still here? I am so confused. So it turns out one of the reasons Sean used to be so rough around the edges is because he was bullied at school for having a babysitter three years his senior, because STOP ASSIGNING 13-YEAR-OLDS TO LOOK AFTER 10-YEAR-OLDS AND LET A REAL GROWN-UP DO IT. Oh god. It's the abusive asshole dad from Claudia and the Terrible Truth (I am not looking forward to having to snark that). Fuck this, I cannot read any chapters involving that creepy bastard and those poor, poor kids.
Chapter 10
So apparently Sean was acting up in that chapter I noped out of. Run, Sean. Run before you suffer the same fate as poor Lou. Abby admits that her project is "barely existent" but she checks with the historical society for some primary sources. I'm surprised she didn't get the kids to do that too. After reading some periodicals, she decides that her video is going to be a mock news report, and actually references a current-to-the-times show, The 60 Minutes Interview (but in a previous book, mentioned failing her math test because she got so damn absorbed in Leave It to Beaver, of all things). She rounds up the kids and tells them that this is the dealio. The fact that they're all silent just screams to me that they think this is the shittiest idea to ever take a shit, but Abby's just like "Oh I can HEAR their brains working!" And I can't hear yours, because it appears to have gone on vacation.
So, of course every single last one of Lou's attempts to help fail miserably, and at this point it is legitimately just shitting on Lou for the sake of shitting on Lou. So she can be a second Walking Disaster for Abby to bitch about. She tries to help sew the costumes, and not only sews them all to eachother (how the FUCK does that work?!) but slices through her finger with the machine (OW!). And then she erases Abby's script after hitting the wrong button. There is legitimately no reason for ANY of this to happen, except to establish Lou as the butt monkey who can't get anything right. To establish her as a true "worst kid ever" whose every attempt to be good fails, because she is inherently evil straight to the bone and you can never extinguish the demon inside of her. And this hits too fucking close to home so I need to stop before I cry. I should be laughing while typing these snarks, not crying.
Abby expresses a desire to call Lou out for her rigidity again, more for her own sake than for Lou's. She just wants her off of her own back. Jay has made friends to act like a toddler with because 11-year-olds are now preschoolers along with everyone else below...you know what, as of the Claudia "7th grade arc," so are 12-year-olds. So at this point everyone below the age of 13 is officially a toddler in BSC World. This kind of shit REALLY bothered me as a kid. Why publish a series of books meant for 9 to 12 year olds, that basically tells said 9 to 12 year olds they're nothing but stupid, immature babies until they hit the magical age of 13?
Abby finally consults Jay about Lou's anxiety, because you always go to the child before you go to the parents. She is legitimately speaking to Jay about this as if she WERE speaking to a parent, so I guess Jay is only an infant when he's not Lou's parent. And he's only Lou's parent as an excuse to not involve the aunt and uncle, the ones who SHOULD know about this first thing. These books are absolutely ridiculous with their idealization of how kids can do everything themselves without any help from a grown-up. It's an absolutely dangerous message to put into a tween's head. Anyway, this chapter culminates in more mishaps with Lou, who is only trying to help but ends up ruining several shots of the video while doing so. After ruining a scene completely, Lou begs and pleads with Abby not to be mad and not to tell her aunt and uncle. Abby's response is to finally snap at her to lighten up and stop apologizing. Lou gets scared, apologizes one last time, and then runs away. And I will say it again: I wish she had never come back to Stoneybrook. I wish she could have stayed in whatever sane, non-Stoneybrook town she had been living in with her aunt, uncle, and brother. Maybe a town with a good therapy program that would have helped Lou address her fears and insecurities and the trauma of her childhood. A beautiful place far, far away from the Bullshit Club that could have gotten Lou the help she needed. Instead, she is placed once again at the mercy of the girls who bullied her into believing she's a horrible kid in the first place.
So glad this is over because I'm about to cry.