BSC #6: Kristy’s Big Day AKA: K-Ron’s Mom is Batshit Insane!!!!!
BSC #6: Kristy’s Big Day AKA: K-Ron’s Mom is Batshit Insane!!!!!
Hello Folks. After a brief hiatus, I’m backkkkk! By popular vote (and after a tie breaking choice by my rock star husband) this is the first part of K-RON’S MOM NEEDS HER DAMN MEDS!!!! (Kristy’s Big Day to the rest of you) Before we all dive headfirst into the batshit insanity, I want to give a big thanks for the welcomes back and the kind words, I missed you all too!!
Let’s begin with the cover:
I have the old school cover; with Kristy wearing a really cute yellow gown with yellow heels, even a wreath of yellow flowers in her hair. Seriously, I think she looks freaking adorable and if this type came in white and was available when I was getting married; you can bet your ass I would have worn in for my wedding. Especially the flowers in my hair.
Karen and Andrew are standing in the room with her, Karen wearing a shorter versions of Kristy’s dress as the flower girl, with a matching wreath in her hair and black Mary Jane’s on her feet with those ruffle socks you all know you had at that age. She looks cute as well. Give me a minute; I need a drink just for saying that.
That drink must have been too strong, because for some reason Andrew looks like King Joffrey with even more resting bitch face:
I swear; it’s like he was just made aware of the fact that Karen will always be the center of attention and he will have to beg someone just to tie his fucking shoes. Poor KidL!
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO KRISTY’S AND KAREN’S DRESSES? KRISTY’S LOOKS LIKE SOMETHING THAT’S FEATURED ON ETIQUETTE HELL’S UGLY BRIDESMAIDS’ PAGE; (CHECK IT OUT: http://www.etiquettehell.com/content/eh_misc/misc/dressincinerator.shtml ) AND KAREN’S LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE FUCKING SHOT GRIMACE; SPRAYPAINTED HIM YELLOW AND DESIGNED A FUCKING DRESS OUT OF HIM!!!!
AND WHY IS KAREN WEARING GLASSES? SHE DIDN’T HAVE THEM YET, COVER ARTISTS!!! GOOD FUCKADEE HELL, AT LEAST ANDREW LOOKS LIKE A CUTE LITTLE BOY NOW, NOT THE SON OF A BITCH THAT CHOKED TO DEATH AND TURNED AS PURPLE AS GRIMACE’S ASS USED TO BE, BEFORE KAREN GOT DONE WITH HIM!!!
ANYHOO:
Chapter 1:
Dear God, must we start off with Ben Brewer’s dandelion eating ass in the motherfucking first line of the motherfucking first chapter of this motherfucking book? I don’t care if the old bastard haunts the damn attic; it’s probably because he knows Karen’s ass is too damn scared to go up there. And don’t even get me started on this Morbidda Destiny crap, leave the poor woman alone, you fucking brat.
K-Ron shits her pants and tells us about her soon to be stepfather’s house, how it’s so big that her three brothers, her, plus Karen and Andrew all can get their own rooms. She even says that David Michael will finally get a room bigger than a fucking closet, and FUCKING HELL ELIZABETH!!! YOU ARE SUCH A SHITTY MOTHER, WHY WOULDN’T YOU GIVE THE CHILD THE BIGGER ROOM? YOUR ASS WILL SURVIVE IN A SMALLER ROOM, HELL MY PARENTS GAVE THE EXRA ROOM TO ME AND MY BROTHERS AS A PLAYROOM AND THEY SLEPT ON A SOFA BED IN OUR OLD HOUSE. MAN THE FUCK UP, BITCH!!!!
K-Ron bitches about having to move across town to Watson’s and how she’ll miss her friends and how hard it is, and fuck you cow, I just moved to another fucking state, coming from an area where my family and in-laws all lived a twenty minute cab ride. Now it’s a two hour train ride, through three fucking trains to see family. You get to see your friends at school, or at your fucking meetings, or any other of the boring shit you bitches do every damn day. So you can fuck yourself.
The other problem she has is that she thinks Watson can be a jerk, and Thank Christ someone said it. Nobody can ignore Karen’s behavior that fucking long and still be considered a ‘Nice Guy’. But to Kristy, Watson’s really not. To Karen, Andrew and eventually Emily Michelle, he’s an asshole.
So anyway, Mama Thomas and crew are over Watson and Co. having dinner and discussing the upcoming wedding. The happy couple decide to have the wedding towards the end of September and Andrew asks just what in the Hell is a damn wedding in the first place. I have no idea why didn’t they tell him what a wedding was, but I don’t care. Apparently Karen acted out a whole wedding with a kiss on Boo-Boo at the end. Poor fucking Boo-Boo. First having to live with Karen, now this. Is there no end to his shame?
Watson says that everyone is going to be a part of the wedding, and K-Ron learns that her mom wants her to be a bridesmaid. K-Ron gets all excited about wearing a long, fancy dress and flowers in her hair and BULLSHIT!!!! WHO THE FUCK IS THIS AND WHAT DID THEY DO WITH K-RON? WHEN THE HELL HAS K-RON EVER WANTED TO WEAR A DAMN DRESS IN THE FIRST FUCKING PLACE? IT’S ONLY SIX BOOKS IN ANN!!! KEEP YOUR DAMN CHARACTERS STRAIGHT, JACKASS!!!!
Anyway, Charlie is asked to give Mom away, Sam is Watson’s best man, David Michael’s the ring bearer and Karen’s the flower girl. God help us all. And poor Andrew? He doesn’t even get a real title; he is Karen’s fucking escort. And so it begins. Thank God he shuts that shit down, and tells his father and future stepmother that he isn’t gonna be in any fucking wedding. They tell that it’s up to him and the chapter ends, with Pod K-Ron dreaming about the damn dress again.
Chapter 2:
K-Ron says that in life, bad will always follow good. And real life is so gonna bite you in the ass, princess. Can’t wait. She says that everyone was happy about participating in the wedding and her mom even said she buy her first pair of heels and for the love of God, break them in first. Or wear flats. I did when I got married and my feet were so comfortable the entire day, I was so happy.
She gets from school a few days later and sees her mom is home early from work, but no one’s sick. No, that would be too easy. Instead, I want you all to prepare for BATSHIT INSANITY, IN 1, 2, 3,…..
Mama Thomas has to go on a business trip to Europe for two weeks and it starts on the day of her wedding, then as she starts to change the wedding date, the real estate agent calls and they sold the house already, and they want her and the demon spawn out in less than a month. If that wasn’t BATSHIT INSANE enough for you guys, for some fucking reason, now they have to move the wedding UP to two and a half weeks from that day. WHERE THE FUCK DO I EVEN BEGIN WITH THIS SHIT? I NEED A FUCKING MINUTE BEFORE I LIST ALL THE WTF HERE!!!
1. YOU WOULD THINK THAT MAMA THOMAS WOULD PUT IN FOR THE TIME OFF AND WAIT TO SEE IF SHE WAS APPROVED FOR IT, BEFORE SHE SET THE DAMN DATE? AND IF THE COMPANY ALREADY FUCKING KNEW SHE WAS GETTING MARRIED THAT DAY, THEN IT MUST BE RUN BY THE SAME ASSHOLE I USED TO WORK FOR IN NY.
2. HOUSE’S DON’T SELL THAT FUCKING FAST. NOT AT ALL. IT TOOK ME AND MY HUSBAND ABOUT THREE MONTHS OR SO TO BUY THIS ONE AND ANOTHER MONTH TO PACK AND MOVE IN. YOU HAVE TO HAVE AN INSPECTOR DO A WALKTHOUGH AND A SURVEYOR AS WELL. YOU HAVE TO HAVE A DAMN LAWYER TO NEGOTIATE A DEAL, AND THEN YOU GET TO FIX ALL THE CRAP THAT NEEDS IT. THEN YOU PACK AND MOVE. IT DOES NOT FUCKING HAPPEN IN LESS THAN A FUCKING MONTH. YOU NEED TO GIVE THE CURRENT OWNERS AT LEAST 60-90 DAYS TO GET THE FUCK OUT FIRST, BEFORE THE REST.
3. MAMA THOMAS SAYS THEY NEED THE MONEY TO PAY FOR THE THOMAS KIDS COLLEGE FUNDS, BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T WANT WATSON TO HAVE FEEL LIKE HE HAS TO PAY FOR COLLEGE. AND THAT IS FUCKED UP LADY. ALSO, DADDY ASSHOLE THOMAS WANTS HIS FUCKING CUT OF THE HOUSE TOO.
4. WHAT THE FUCK IS THE URGENCY OF THE DAMN WEDDING? IS MAMA THOMAS PREGNANT? NO, THAT WOULD BE TOO MODERN; THE TOWN WOULD SHUN A GROWN ASS WOMAN GETTING PREGNANT OUT OF WEDLOCK. NO, THEY HAVE TO PLAN A FUCKING FULL BLOWN WEDDING IN A SHORT TIME, BECAUSE GOD FORBID THE TWO LIVE TOGETHER BEFORE THEY GET MARRIED! OR LIVE IN SEPARATE WINGS! OR GET MARRIED IN CITY HALL! FUCKING HELL, THAT’S WHAT I DID. WE TALKED ABOUT A BIG WEDDING, BUT WE DIDN’T HAVE MUCH MONEY, SO WE WENT TO CITY HALL, GOT MARRIED AND HAD A SIT DOWN DINNER AFTERWARDS THAT THIS GREAT ITALIAN PLACE. YOU CAN DO THAT TOO, PRINCESS!!! DO THE FUCKING BIG WEDDING LATER, LIKE ON YOUR FIVE YEAR ANNIVERSARY OR SOMETHING.
Now Mama Thomas has no fucking clue how to pull this wedding off and that would probably be the time I step the fuck back and rethink this whole fucking big wedding idea, but you forget that this book lacks logic. She starts fucking tweaking about the caterer, dressmaker, minister, relatives and crap like that. I say this a lot I know, but this might break me. Elizabeth, honey. Forget caterer; think restaurant. Seriously, City Hall. In and out, less money. And as for dressmaker, is your ass too good for off the damn rack? And I don’t want to hear any bullshit that your bikini wearing ass can’t find your fucking size, I did and I could stand to lose a few, so fuck you. Crazy bitch even says that the caterer is going to piss his pants laughing at her when he finds out she needs the food for the end of the month. Damn Skippy he is. I am right now. And what the fuck….Crazy Bitch is actually planning on a couple of hundred people in two and a half weeks? Does no one fucking work or anything?
And because planning a fucking wedding in this short amount of time wasn’t enough, bitch and brood also have to fucking pack and move in about the same amount of time. Yea, my ass. In real life, this doesn’t happen. Me and the husband barely pulled it off and we had people helping us move. She has more people to move and less people to help. Plus, the throwing stuff out, giving stuff away and whatnot takes a fuck load of time. Almost as much as the actual moving does and now the garbage man doesn’t take certain things, that’s an added pain in the ass.
The kids finally act like real fucking kids and whine about moving and how they don’t want to leave their friends and I don’t fucking blame them. Ain’t their fault Mama’s batshit insane. K-Ron goes to her room and starts thinking about all the people she’s going to miss, and Mama calls her downstairs for a fresh round of insanity. She wants K-Ron to make a list of people to invite to this shitshow, and FUCKING REALLY BITCH? YOU REALLY THINK I HAVE NO LIFE AND AM AT YOUR FUCKING BECK AND CALL? I AIN’T COMING AND DON’T EXPECT A FUCKING GIFT FROM ME, YOU TWO HAVE A HOUSE AND THIS YOUR SECOND MARRIAGE. THERE IS NO NEED FOR A BIG WEDDING, GREEDY BITCH!
Mama says that a lot of people live out of state and they have kids, and its good they are only gonna be there for a couple of nights. FORESHADOWING!!!!! They make some more lists and then K-Ron has to leave to mix the fucking Kool-Aid at the cult meeting.
And being that this snark is nine pages long already, I will break here. Hope you all enjoyed this and the second part will be up in a couple of days. Thank you for reading and for the comments. I will leave with the song that started playing when I began this snark:
Hello Folks. After a brief hiatus, I’m backkkkk! By popular vote (and after a tie breaking choice by my rock star husband) this is the first part of K-RON’S MOM NEEDS HER DAMN MEDS!!!! (Kristy’s Big Day to the rest of you) Before we all dive headfirst into the batshit insanity, I want to give a big thanks for the welcomes back and the kind words, I missed you all too!!
Let’s begin with the cover:
I have the old school cover; with Kristy wearing a really cute yellow gown with yellow heels, even a wreath of yellow flowers in her hair. Seriously, I think she looks freaking adorable and if this type came in white and was available when I was getting married; you can bet your ass I would have worn in for my wedding. Especially the flowers in my hair.
Karen and Andrew are standing in the room with her, Karen wearing a shorter versions of Kristy’s dress as the flower girl, with a matching wreath in her hair and black Mary Jane’s on her feet with those ruffle socks you all know you had at that age. She looks cute as well. Give me a minute; I need a drink just for saying that.
That drink must have been too strong, because for some reason Andrew looks like King Joffrey with even more resting bitch face:
I swear; it’s like he was just made aware of the fact that Karen will always be the center of attention and he will have to beg someone just to tie his fucking shoes. Poor KidL!
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO KRISTY’S AND KAREN’S DRESSES? KRISTY’S LOOKS LIKE SOMETHING THAT’S FEATURED ON ETIQUETTE HELL’S UGLY BRIDESMAIDS’ PAGE; (CHECK IT OUT: http://www.etiquettehell.com/content/eh_misc/misc/dressincinerator.shtml ) AND KAREN’S LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE FUCKING SHOT GRIMACE; SPRAYPAINTED HIM YELLOW AND DESIGNED A FUCKING DRESS OUT OF HIM!!!!
AND WHY IS KAREN WEARING GLASSES? SHE DIDN’T HAVE THEM YET, COVER ARTISTS!!! GOOD FUCKADEE HELL, AT LEAST ANDREW LOOKS LIKE A CUTE LITTLE BOY NOW, NOT THE SON OF A BITCH THAT CHOKED TO DEATH AND TURNED AS PURPLE AS GRIMACE’S ASS USED TO BE, BEFORE KAREN GOT DONE WITH HIM!!!
ANYHOO:
Chapter 1:
Dear God, must we start off with Ben Brewer’s dandelion eating ass in the motherfucking first line of the motherfucking first chapter of this motherfucking book? I don’t care if the old bastard haunts the damn attic; it’s probably because he knows Karen’s ass is too damn scared to go up there. And don’t even get me started on this Morbidda Destiny crap, leave the poor woman alone, you fucking brat.
K-Ron shits her pants and tells us about her soon to be stepfather’s house, how it’s so big that her three brothers, her, plus Karen and Andrew all can get their own rooms. She even says that David Michael will finally get a room bigger than a fucking closet, and FUCKING HELL ELIZABETH!!! YOU ARE SUCH A SHITTY MOTHER, WHY WOULDN’T YOU GIVE THE CHILD THE BIGGER ROOM? YOUR ASS WILL SURVIVE IN A SMALLER ROOM, HELL MY PARENTS GAVE THE EXRA ROOM TO ME AND MY BROTHERS AS A PLAYROOM AND THEY SLEPT ON A SOFA BED IN OUR OLD HOUSE. MAN THE FUCK UP, BITCH!!!!
K-Ron bitches about having to move across town to Watson’s and how she’ll miss her friends and how hard it is, and fuck you cow, I just moved to another fucking state, coming from an area where my family and in-laws all lived a twenty minute cab ride. Now it’s a two hour train ride, through three fucking trains to see family. You get to see your friends at school, or at your fucking meetings, or any other of the boring shit you bitches do every damn day. So you can fuck yourself.
Click to viewThe other problem she has is that she thinks Watson can be a jerk, and Thank Christ someone said it. Nobody can ignore Karen’s behavior that fucking long and still be considered a ‘Nice Guy’. But to Kristy, Watson’s really not. To Karen, Andrew and eventually Emily Michelle, he’s an asshole.
So anyway, Mama Thomas and crew are over Watson and Co. having dinner and discussing the upcoming wedding. The happy couple decide to have the wedding towards the end of September and Andrew asks just what in the Hell is a damn wedding in the first place. I have no idea why didn’t they tell him what a wedding was, but I don’t care. Apparently Karen acted out a whole wedding with a kiss on Boo-Boo at the end. Poor fucking Boo-Boo. First having to live with Karen, now this. Is there no end to his shame?
Watson says that everyone is going to be a part of the wedding, and K-Ron learns that her mom wants her to be a bridesmaid. K-Ron gets all excited about wearing a long, fancy dress and flowers in her hair and BULLSHIT!!!! WHO THE FUCK IS THIS AND WHAT DID THEY DO WITH K-RON? WHEN THE HELL HAS K-RON EVER WANTED TO WEAR A DAMN DRESS IN THE FIRST FUCKING PLACE? IT’S ONLY SIX BOOKS IN ANN!!! KEEP YOUR DAMN CHARACTERS STRAIGHT, JACKASS!!!!
Anyway, Charlie is asked to give Mom away, Sam is Watson’s best man, David Michael’s the ring bearer and Karen’s the flower girl. God help us all. And poor Andrew? He doesn’t even get a real title; he is Karen’s fucking escort. And so it begins. Thank God he shuts that shit down, and tells his father and future stepmother that he isn’t gonna be in any fucking wedding. They tell that it’s up to him and the chapter ends, with Pod K-Ron dreaming about the damn dress again.
Chapter 2:
K-Ron says that in life, bad will always follow good. And real life is so gonna bite you in the ass, princess. Can’t wait. She says that everyone was happy about participating in the wedding and her mom even said she buy her first pair of heels and for the love of God, break them in first. Or wear flats. I did when I got married and my feet were so comfortable the entire day, I was so happy.
She gets from school a few days later and sees her mom is home early from work, but no one’s sick. No, that would be too easy. Instead, I want you all to prepare for BATSHIT INSANITY, IN 1, 2, 3,…..
Mama Thomas has to go on a business trip to Europe for two weeks and it starts on the day of her wedding, then as she starts to change the wedding date, the real estate agent calls and they sold the house already, and they want her and the demon spawn out in less than a month. If that wasn’t BATSHIT INSANE enough for you guys, for some fucking reason, now they have to move the wedding UP to two and a half weeks from that day. WHERE THE FUCK DO I EVEN BEGIN WITH THIS SHIT? I NEED A FUCKING MINUTE BEFORE I LIST ALL THE WTF HERE!!!
1. YOU WOULD THINK THAT MAMA THOMAS WOULD PUT IN FOR THE TIME OFF AND WAIT TO SEE IF SHE WAS APPROVED FOR IT, BEFORE SHE SET THE DAMN DATE? AND IF THE COMPANY ALREADY FUCKING KNEW SHE WAS GETTING MARRIED THAT DAY, THEN IT MUST BE RUN BY THE SAME ASSHOLE I USED TO WORK FOR IN NY.
2. HOUSE’S DON’T SELL THAT FUCKING FAST. NOT AT ALL. IT TOOK ME AND MY HUSBAND ABOUT THREE MONTHS OR SO TO BUY THIS ONE AND ANOTHER MONTH TO PACK AND MOVE IN. YOU HAVE TO HAVE AN INSPECTOR DO A WALKTHOUGH AND A SURVEYOR AS WELL. YOU HAVE TO HAVE A DAMN LAWYER TO NEGOTIATE A DEAL, AND THEN YOU GET TO FIX ALL THE CRAP THAT NEEDS IT. THEN YOU PACK AND MOVE. IT DOES NOT FUCKING HAPPEN IN LESS THAN A FUCKING MONTH. YOU NEED TO GIVE THE CURRENT OWNERS AT LEAST 60-90 DAYS TO GET THE FUCK OUT FIRST, BEFORE THE REST.
3. MAMA THOMAS SAYS THEY NEED THE MONEY TO PAY FOR THE THOMAS KIDS COLLEGE FUNDS, BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T WANT WATSON TO HAVE FEEL LIKE HE HAS TO PAY FOR COLLEGE. AND THAT IS FUCKED UP LADY. ALSO, DADDY ASSHOLE THOMAS WANTS HIS FUCKING CUT OF THE HOUSE TOO.
4. WHAT THE FUCK IS THE URGENCY OF THE DAMN WEDDING? IS MAMA THOMAS PREGNANT? NO, THAT WOULD BE TOO MODERN; THE TOWN WOULD SHUN A GROWN ASS WOMAN GETTING PREGNANT OUT OF WEDLOCK. NO, THEY HAVE TO PLAN A FUCKING FULL BLOWN WEDDING IN A SHORT TIME, BECAUSE GOD FORBID THE TWO LIVE TOGETHER BEFORE THEY GET MARRIED! OR LIVE IN SEPARATE WINGS! OR GET MARRIED IN CITY HALL! FUCKING HELL, THAT’S WHAT I DID. WE TALKED ABOUT A BIG WEDDING, BUT WE DIDN’T HAVE MUCH MONEY, SO WE WENT TO CITY HALL, GOT MARRIED AND HAD A SIT DOWN DINNER AFTERWARDS THAT THIS GREAT ITALIAN PLACE. YOU CAN DO THAT TOO, PRINCESS!!! DO THE FUCKING BIG WEDDING LATER, LIKE ON YOUR FIVE YEAR ANNIVERSARY OR SOMETHING.
Now Mama Thomas has no fucking clue how to pull this wedding off and that would probably be the time I step the fuck back and rethink this whole fucking big wedding idea, but you forget that this book lacks logic. She starts fucking tweaking about the caterer, dressmaker, minister, relatives and crap like that. I say this a lot I know, but this might break me. Elizabeth, honey. Forget caterer; think restaurant. Seriously, City Hall. In and out, less money. And as for dressmaker, is your ass too good for off the damn rack? And I don’t want to hear any bullshit that your bikini wearing ass can’t find your fucking size, I did and I could stand to lose a few, so fuck you. Crazy bitch even says that the caterer is going to piss his pants laughing at her when he finds out she needs the food for the end of the month. Damn Skippy he is. I am right now. And what the fuck….Crazy Bitch is actually planning on a couple of hundred people in two and a half weeks? Does no one fucking work or anything?
And because planning a fucking wedding in this short amount of time wasn’t enough, bitch and brood also have to fucking pack and move in about the same amount of time. Yea, my ass. In real life, this doesn’t happen. Me and the husband barely pulled it off and we had people helping us move. She has more people to move and less people to help. Plus, the throwing stuff out, giving stuff away and whatnot takes a fuck load of time. Almost as much as the actual moving does and now the garbage man doesn’t take certain things, that’s an added pain in the ass.
The kids finally act like real fucking kids and whine about moving and how they don’t want to leave their friends and I don’t fucking blame them. Ain’t their fault Mama’s batshit insane. K-Ron goes to her room and starts thinking about all the people she’s going to miss, and Mama calls her downstairs for a fresh round of insanity. She wants K-Ron to make a list of people to invite to this shitshow, and FUCKING REALLY BITCH? YOU REALLY THINK I HAVE NO LIFE AND AM AT YOUR FUCKING BECK AND CALL? I AIN’T COMING AND DON’T EXPECT A FUCKING GIFT FROM ME, YOU TWO HAVE A HOUSE AND THIS YOUR SECOND MARRIAGE. THERE IS NO NEED FOR A BIG WEDDING, GREEDY BITCH!
Mama says that a lot of people live out of state and they have kids, and its good they are only gonna be there for a couple of nights. FORESHADOWING!!!!! They make some more lists and then K-Ron has to leave to mix the fucking Kool-Aid at the cult meeting.
And being that this snark is nine pages long already, I will break here. Hope you all enjoyed this and the second part will be up in a couple of days. Thank you for reading and for the comments. I will leave with the song that started playing when I began this snark: