Boy Crazy Stacey Part Two
Urg, I swear, New York State winters could rival those on Game of Thrones. We just had two snow days in the past two weeks. And there’s another snow alert. I’m not complaining. So, since class is canceled, I might as well read a book set in the summer, that’s well written, and funny. Sucks to be me, because I’m reading Boy Crazy Stacey.
Hmm… I think Stacey got to be Boy Cray because her name rhymes well with the title. Boy Crazy Kristy or Boy Crazy Dawn doesn’t have quite the same ring to it.
Stacey starts off whining that babysitting six kids and a troll without Scott for eye candy is a drag. Just find some other hot lifeguard to look at, Stace. Or look at those hell spawn you’re being paid to watch. God, tanning and occasionally looking up from your Cosmo to make sure they don’t drown is hard.
Fortunately, the fair Pikes are watching their own kids for a change, on the proviso that Mary Anne and Insulin Spike take the kids to a gimmicky sounding burger place called Burger Garden. If it were me, I’d tell the Pikes “Look, I don’t care that you guys suck at the pull out method, or that you two do the nasty at top volume while I’m trying to sleep, then wake me up at eight to watch your little monsters, but if you honestly think nine kids all under the age of twelve can go to a restaurant without CPS being notified, you’re more inbred than I thought you were.” Stacey can’t say that in the notebook though, so she pretends to be excited to be seen in public with Mallory.
The kids are all ready, but Vanessa drags her ass and rhymes at the same time. Dear Lord, I don’t ask for much. Please may Vanessa go away forever and ever. Amen.
And when I say forever and ever, I mean the Overlook.
The kids are really excited because the Burger Garden has Crazy Burgers with “special sauce”. Hint: Every time a restaurant openly says that they’ve got “secret ingredients”, it’s jizz. 100% of the time. Poor Mary Anne.
Speaking of the sauce, Mr. and Mrs. Pike must have been hitting it pretty hard when they conceived Vanessa, because there’s no explanation for why she says gems like this: “It’s delightful, let’s all blab it. The burgers here are served by a rabbit.” At this point, I’m willing to take a Dawn/ Karen babysitting chapter written by Claudia.
Finally, the kids and the sitters get to the restaurant and Mary Anne says she’s “never sat on a mushroom before”. Sure you have, Mary Anne. Sharon hides her stash under your chair. The triplets want to sit alone, but Stacey wants to sit with them. Nicky doesn’t want to sit with girls, and nobody wants to sit with Vanessa, or as Mal puts it, “Elizabeth Barrett Browning.” That poor lady is spinning in her grave, I tell you. Seriously, Mal just compared Vanessa’s shitty couplets to this:
“How he sleepeth! Having drunken Weary childhood’s mandragore, From his pretty eyes have sunken pleasures, to make room for more-“
It turns out that the whole time they’ve been making seating charts, they’ve been keeping a poor bastard in a bunny suit waiting to show them a table. Do you know how hot it gets in those mascot suits? Do you think Stacey and Mary Anne care? Just take a table large enough to fit all you people, then work out sitting arrangements when you’re there. They’ll work themselves out by sitting next to those they get along with.
Nicky tells a dumb joke to Stacey, and Vanessa is blabbering about an enchanted tree decorated with chocolate bars. If it’s got a golden ticket on the inside of the wrapper, you win a prize a la Willy Wonka. That sounds like a copyright infringement lawsuit waiting to happen. And if you think Roald Dahl’s estate wouldn’t sue a backwater vacation restaurant, you don’t know children’s book authors. Ann M. Martin couldn’t care less if I write snarky Abby Shannon Kristy three way ship fics, but the second I make a nickel off it, she’ll wipe the courtroom with me. But like Ms. Wilfred Brimley Jr. here, I like giving my best stuff away for free.
The kids continue being annoying, and Mary Anne suddenly says she feels hot all over, and her skin feels stiff. Stacey says she “looks kind of funny”, and it turns out MA has sunburn. If Stacey can’t figure out what sunburn looks like, and MA can’t put sunscreen on, they’re idiots. I bet Stacey thinks that scab on her face is a Blake Lively esque beauty mark rather than a raging carcinoma. It’s like Ann got a fever confused with a sunburn. You can see sunburn, Ann, because your skin turns redder than a stop sign. Now, I do wear sunscreen, but sometimes I do dumb things like go out on a metal rowboat in the middle of a lake and let me tell you, the sun TORCHES my ass like I was a heretic during the Inquisition. And poor Mary Anne really just needs to go home and put on some aloe vera, or literally do anything else besides sit on a hot bench while the Pike kids have ice cream. They JUST had chocolate bars a page ago. Eat the ice cream on the way home, or send MA home with some of the kids that wouldn’t mind relaxing in a quiet house, like Vanessa, or have Mal fill in as a babysitter for a half hour. If you’re worried the kids will rat you out to their parents, chill. Nobody would dream of squealing on a sitter that lets them have two desserts in one meal.
The Pikes must have rented a motel room to get working on Mallory 2.0, because they’re still out at nine o’clock. This is an act of child endangerment. It’s not like these kids are at their own house in their own neighborhood in the ‘Brook. Neither of the sitters are familiar with the area, and a tourist trap like this attracts all kinds of perverts that make Scott and Travis look tame. Add in a five year old who’s not the greatest swimmer, a chronic barfer, a buttmonkey, a brittle diabetic, and an idiot who forgets sunscreen, and you’re not just flirting with trouble, you’re screwing it sideways.
Ann throws in some last minute cuteness by having all the Pike kids wait on MA hand and foot for a change, and there’s not much to snark except when Mal says that MA should put teabags on her eyes. Like Mary Anne would ever let anyone bukkake her, ever. Not even her lovely Logan.
Chapter 7
Presumably the parental units came back at two am saying “No, you’re drunk. Gimme that bottle,” “No, you’re drunk. I wanna sha sha champagne, bitch.” “No, you, you give me that. Stacee, Mary Anne, we’re hooooooooooome!” before barfing on Mallory’s head. You'd think that would merit a mention for the notebook. Alas, it got edited out.
Stacey writes to Claudia that Scott got her a present, but Mary Anne thinks it’s dumb. I expect Mary Anne would think a jumbo pack of hot dogs is a dumb present, since her mind is much more innocent than mine. She also writes to Kristy that Bryon has a lot of fears, and they’ll need to talk about it when she gets home. It’s like Stacey doesn’t realize that this side plot will be resolved in the next week.
Oh, great. Just when I said there might be another man pervier than Scott, he’s back like Freddy Krueger. Stacey keeps one eye on the kids, and the other eye on Scott.
The bleach job isn’t improving anything, Stacey.
Scott calls Stacey princess, and that’s the first time I’ve heard that term be used non-ironically by a teenage guy. She thinks she might pass out, and won’t Scott be pleased that the date rape drug is working. Stacey asks him if yesterday was his day off. Instead of saying yes and leaving it at that, Scott makes a creepy double entendre- “Sure was. And I used it well, too.” What, burying your last victim out back?
Shark attack! Sadly, nobody gets eaten, not even Vanessa. Poor Mary Anne has to keep track of seven kids in the inevitable panic of a shark alert, while Stacey and Scott (ewwwwww) continue having eye sex. EW. Stacey finally wanders over to help, but Mal’s got her covered. Go, Mal. Stacey continues half assing her job, and runs right back to Mr. Baldwin the dibbliest EMT stripper ever. Make that super dibbliest. Scott, proving that if creepiness were the hammer game, he’d be making the winning “Ding Ding Ding!” sound, says “Hi love.“ Ewwwwwwwww. Then, he does it again when he asks Stacey for a soda. Hey Scott.
Scott says “That sure hit the spot, honey” after she gets him the soda like a good little girl. I’m beginning to think Anastasia McGill grew up and changed her name to Anastasia Steele, so co-dependent is she. Mary Anne is rightfully resentful that Stacey is dumping all the work on her, but she’s too passive aggressive to do anything except shoot her pissy looks. Mary Anne, piss or get off the pot. Either you call her a slut bitch who can’t do anything right, or be a true passive aggressive and just smile and wave. I do for real for real feel bad for Mary Anne, who’s just expected to cope with Nicky running away to the house without telling anyone (Stacey really says that), rather than have another sitter and FRIEND who’s getting paid to help. If Stacey were to play “Hosebeast: The Video Game”, she’d have the highest score in the world. Scott, after he gets off duty, says he wants Stacey to “have his whistle”, and Stacey takes it “with shaking hands”. I honestly thought once I got into the book, I’d run out of evidence that Stacey’s a ho, or that Scott would stop saying pervy stuff. So far, none of that has happened.
Chapter 8
Mary Anne starts the chapter, and she’s telling Kristy that it really doesn’t suck watching eight kids on a rainy day. You tell yourself whatever works, hon. I won’t judge. Mary Anne bluntly says at the post script that Stacey’s more of a pain in the ass than her sunburn, and that if Kristy shows Stacey this letter, she’ll make Jeff the Killer look like amateur hour.
The goodly Mr. and Mrs. Pike want to make hay while the sun is shining, even though they’ll be baby making and the sun isn’t, in fact, shining. They suggest that the kids come with them to a colonial settlement, and the kids give that idea the Roman Emperor thumbs down. Their plan worked perfectly! Mr. and Mrs. Pike now have the perfect wholesome cover to fool Mary Anne into watching their children.
As always, MA and Stace can’t figure out what to do with the kids when the weather sucks. Isn’t that the sole purpose of the kid kits? Like, even when I babysat, (and yes, brought along kid kits) I’d say, “Here kid! You’re bored? Play with my old toys!” and do my homework. Finally, MA and Stacey decide to take the kids mini-golfing. When my parents first started dating, my dad was obsessed with mini golf, but he was also terrible at it, and took like three hours to make it in one putting hole. Needless to say, my mom was pissed and almost didn’t go on the crucial date number three (fortunately, she’s a patient woman), and I wouldn’t be here now. So fuck mini golf.
The Pike kids are even worse than my dad at mini golf, and Margo is the worst. She can’t get a shot at one of the holes and tries again… and again… and again until the guy in back of her pops an artery. He was cool with it the first ten times, but he’s understandably pissed that she’s messing up his date with his future wife, who will have a daughter who will snark this book. I also can’t believe how rude Margo was to a perfect stranger by whining and screaming that she didn’t want him to cut ahead of her, even though he’d be in and out with his girlfriend, and they would have had to wait for everyone else after Margo to go, since they’re doing it youngest to oldest. Jordan even awesomely suggests what I used to do as a kid, which is drop the ball in the hole, and move on. It’s a whole lot simpler that way.
Mallory is actually pretty good at mini golf, and Byron snaps it’s beginner’s luck. Or maybe she’s better at mini golf, Byron, and you need to grow up. Nicky causes a scene after he gets a hole in one in the clown putt. I can’t be the only one who thinks this is the clown that will eat me before I die, can I?
Stacey finally got a brain on loan from the shady stem cell research facility down the block, and suggests that they split up so the other patrons there don’t shove the clown putt putt up their asses. Well, it’s about time! I already don’t like mini golf at the best of times, but if I had to get behind nine kids before I had a turn, that golf club would be bent over all their heads.
Claire, being only five, has the highest score, and can’t take it anymore. If she can’t take this chapter any more, you know I must be about ready to call a hotline. Even more miraculously than the time my cousin and I won five thousand tickets in one go at Dave and Buster’s, Claire becomes the 500th customer, and wins herself free tix to go again. I seriously think they rigged that, because even if she and Margo won, they’d have to pay for all the other kids to go too, and that would put the Putt Putt people back in the black. Claire wants round two of minigolf, and Stacey chants “A life is a beautiful thing” a thousand times before trying to throw herself off the mini drawbridge.
Chapter 9
Ugh, babysitting chapter. Apparently God heard my prayers about rather having a Karen chapter than a Vanessa chapter (but not about Vanessa being eaten by a shark), and on top of all that, poor Louie gets hurt. DM is pretty shaken up that his dog was attacked, and Kristy rushes to help him. Karen, despite being given SPECIFIC instructions by her sitter to use a sponge, and follow instructions on how to wash her dad’s car, scrubs it with steel wool. Now, I could see such a mistake happening if a. Karen were just told to “Wash the car” and nothing else, and b. if she stopped scrubbing when she realized that the paint wasn’t supposed to come off, which would happen fairly quickly after the first few swipes. Karen is just fucking STUPID. I think most kids in utero are smarter than Karen at age six.
For once, I feel bad enough for Kristy to give her one of my Valiums, because she’s a nervous wreck, having to play phone tag to find her brother, so he can get Louie to the vet, trying to staunch an angry dog’s bleeding, and dealing with Karen’s idiot car catastrophe. Watson and Elizabeth brought home two champagne glasses from an estate sale, and Watson also beat Stacey’s high score for “Hosebeast the Rich and Stupid: The Wii Game”. Get a load of this. “I know you had an emergency, but you were in charge, and you should have had a closer eye on them.” Yes, Watson, the next time my dog slices his foot open so bad he needs stitches, and my younger brother is in hysterics, and I tried calling you from your estate sale, I’ll be sure to chain Karen to my waist. God forbid Karen get reprimanded for disobeying a sitter and destroying property. Kristy gave a paragraph of very emphatic instructions, and Karen blew them off. Watson. DEAL WITH YOUR CHILD. DON’T MAKE YOUR PARENTING FUCKUPS KRISTY’S FAULT. Or so help me, I will shake you like a martini. Speaking of which, I think I need something to drink. I need coffee.
Chapter 10
Stacey writes to Claudia that she’s an idiot, and I concur. She takes three postcards to tell Claudia a simple story that could have been written on larger stationary. Stacey still thinks Scott luvs her, because her hair is now blonde without the roots, and she’s tanner than the crispy bacon I’m eating. She even bought a tacky bikini that’s “pink, with parrots and palm trees all over it”. You know she bought that on the main drag. Thankfully, Mary Anne’s sunburn has healed up, but Stacey says she won’t tan. My ex-great aunt who still shows up for family reunions even though she divorced my great uncle has skin like Tan mom, and let’s just say that a seventy year old leather handbag is quite a sight. She’s like a PSA for always wearing SPF 150, your hat, and UV protected sunglasses.
Stacey accuses MA of being jealous, because all MA gets is a nice, cute, age appropriate mother’s helper guy helping her with her kids. Meanwhile, Pervert tells Stacey, “Sweetheart, did you know you’re beautiful?”
Mary Anne is pissed that she’s shouldering 90% of the childcare while Stacey gets Scott “A cold one”, and she’s had it up to here with Stacey. Luckily, the Mr. and Mrs. come back from Atlantic City and offer to give Stacey and Mary Anne the night off. See, this is why I’d never agree to go on a vacation as an au pair/babysitter/ mother’s helper, because the parents would dump an unfair amount of childcare on you, and then act as though they were doing you the favor, taking their own kids off your hands. This kind of arrangement doesn’t work unless you draft a schedule (Mary Anne will take three kids to the beach for two hours within watch of the Pikes, Stacey will stay back at the house with the parents and remaining children, the Pikes go out once a week by themselves, but are on site most days) and stick to it.
Mary Anne and Stacey decide to bury the hatchet over dinner, especially when MA gets a load of Stacey without her bikini. They have dinner, and they decide to go on the Ferris wheel together. The ticket taker calls Stacey “cutie” too. Megan’s Law? What’s that? A malpractice firm?
Stacey buys Scott a huge box of chocolates, and I can’t help but think of Romilda Vane from Harry Potter. Mary Anne, ever passive aggressive, says “DON’T LOOK OVER THERE!” while jumping and pointing. It’s Scott. He’s with an age appropriate hottie. “Aw, Stacey, we never said we were exclusive, honey!” And done. Part three, coming up with a side of fries!
Hmm… I think Stacey got to be Boy Cray because her name rhymes well with the title. Boy Crazy Kristy or Boy Crazy Dawn doesn’t have quite the same ring to it.
Stacey starts off whining that babysitting six kids and a troll without Scott for eye candy is a drag. Just find some other hot lifeguard to look at, Stace. Or look at those hell spawn you’re being paid to watch. God, tanning and occasionally looking up from your Cosmo to make sure they don’t drown is hard.
Fortunately, the fair Pikes are watching their own kids for a change, on the proviso that Mary Anne and Insulin Spike take the kids to a gimmicky sounding burger place called Burger Garden. If it were me, I’d tell the Pikes “Look, I don’t care that you guys suck at the pull out method, or that you two do the nasty at top volume while I’m trying to sleep, then wake me up at eight to watch your little monsters, but if you honestly think nine kids all under the age of twelve can go to a restaurant without CPS being notified, you’re more inbred than I thought you were.” Stacey can’t say that in the notebook though, so she pretends to be excited to be seen in public with Mallory.
The kids are all ready, but Vanessa drags her ass and rhymes at the same time. Dear Lord, I don’t ask for much. Please may Vanessa go away forever and ever. Amen.
And when I say forever and ever, I mean the Overlook.
The kids are really excited because the Burger Garden has Crazy Burgers with “special sauce”. Hint: Every time a restaurant openly says that they’ve got “secret ingredients”, it’s jizz. 100% of the time. Poor Mary Anne.
Speaking of the sauce, Mr. and Mrs. Pike must have been hitting it pretty hard when they conceived Vanessa, because there’s no explanation for why she says gems like this: “It’s delightful, let’s all blab it. The burgers here are served by a rabbit.” At this point, I’m willing to take a Dawn/ Karen babysitting chapter written by Claudia.
Finally, the kids and the sitters get to the restaurant and Mary Anne says she’s “never sat on a mushroom before”. Sure you have, Mary Anne. Sharon hides her stash under your chair. The triplets want to sit alone, but Stacey wants to sit with them. Nicky doesn’t want to sit with girls, and nobody wants to sit with Vanessa, or as Mal puts it, “Elizabeth Barrett Browning.” That poor lady is spinning in her grave, I tell you. Seriously, Mal just compared Vanessa’s shitty couplets to this:
“How he sleepeth! Having drunken Weary childhood’s mandragore, From his pretty eyes have sunken pleasures, to make room for more-“
It turns out that the whole time they’ve been making seating charts, they’ve been keeping a poor bastard in a bunny suit waiting to show them a table. Do you know how hot it gets in those mascot suits? Do you think Stacey and Mary Anne care? Just take a table large enough to fit all you people, then work out sitting arrangements when you’re there. They’ll work themselves out by sitting next to those they get along with.
Nicky tells a dumb joke to Stacey, and Vanessa is blabbering about an enchanted tree decorated with chocolate bars. If it’s got a golden ticket on the inside of the wrapper, you win a prize a la Willy Wonka. That sounds like a copyright infringement lawsuit waiting to happen. And if you think Roald Dahl’s estate wouldn’t sue a backwater vacation restaurant, you don’t know children’s book authors. Ann M. Martin couldn’t care less if I write snarky Abby Shannon Kristy three way ship fics, but the second I make a nickel off it, she’ll wipe the courtroom with me. But like Ms. Wilfred Brimley Jr. here, I like giving my best stuff away for free.
The kids continue being annoying, and Mary Anne suddenly says she feels hot all over, and her skin feels stiff. Stacey says she “looks kind of funny”, and it turns out MA has sunburn. If Stacey can’t figure out what sunburn looks like, and MA can’t put sunscreen on, they’re idiots. I bet Stacey thinks that scab on her face is a Blake Lively esque beauty mark rather than a raging carcinoma. It’s like Ann got a fever confused with a sunburn. You can see sunburn, Ann, because your skin turns redder than a stop sign. Now, I do wear sunscreen, but sometimes I do dumb things like go out on a metal rowboat in the middle of a lake and let me tell you, the sun TORCHES my ass like I was a heretic during the Inquisition. And poor Mary Anne really just needs to go home and put on some aloe vera, or literally do anything else besides sit on a hot bench while the Pike kids have ice cream. They JUST had chocolate bars a page ago. Eat the ice cream on the way home, or send MA home with some of the kids that wouldn’t mind relaxing in a quiet house, like Vanessa, or have Mal fill in as a babysitter for a half hour. If you’re worried the kids will rat you out to their parents, chill. Nobody would dream of squealing on a sitter that lets them have two desserts in one meal.
The Pikes must have rented a motel room to get working on Mallory 2.0, because they’re still out at nine o’clock. This is an act of child endangerment. It’s not like these kids are at their own house in their own neighborhood in the ‘Brook. Neither of the sitters are familiar with the area, and a tourist trap like this attracts all kinds of perverts that make Scott and Travis look tame. Add in a five year old who’s not the greatest swimmer, a chronic barfer, a buttmonkey, a brittle diabetic, and an idiot who forgets sunscreen, and you’re not just flirting with trouble, you’re screwing it sideways.
Ann throws in some last minute cuteness by having all the Pike kids wait on MA hand and foot for a change, and there’s not much to snark except when Mal says that MA should put teabags on her eyes. Like Mary Anne would ever let anyone bukkake her, ever. Not even her lovely Logan.
Chapter 7
Presumably the parental units came back at two am saying “No, you’re drunk. Gimme that bottle,” “No, you’re drunk. I wanna sha sha champagne, bitch.” “No, you, you give me that. Stacee, Mary Anne, we’re hooooooooooome!” before barfing on Mallory’s head. You'd think that would merit a mention for the notebook. Alas, it got edited out.
Stacey writes to Claudia that Scott got her a present, but Mary Anne thinks it’s dumb. I expect Mary Anne would think a jumbo pack of hot dogs is a dumb present, since her mind is much more innocent than mine. She also writes to Kristy that Bryon has a lot of fears, and they’ll need to talk about it when she gets home. It’s like Stacey doesn’t realize that this side plot will be resolved in the next week.
Oh, great. Just when I said there might be another man pervier than Scott, he’s back like Freddy Krueger. Stacey keeps one eye on the kids, and the other eye on Scott.
The bleach job isn’t improving anything, Stacey.
Scott calls Stacey princess, and that’s the first time I’ve heard that term be used non-ironically by a teenage guy. She thinks she might pass out, and won’t Scott be pleased that the date rape drug is working. Stacey asks him if yesterday was his day off. Instead of saying yes and leaving it at that, Scott makes a creepy double entendre- “Sure was. And I used it well, too.” What, burying your last victim out back?
Shark attack! Sadly, nobody gets eaten, not even Vanessa. Poor Mary Anne has to keep track of seven kids in the inevitable panic of a shark alert, while Stacey and Scott (ewwwwww) continue having eye sex. EW. Stacey finally wanders over to help, but Mal’s got her covered. Go, Mal. Stacey continues half assing her job, and runs right back to Mr. Baldwin the dibbliest EMT stripper ever. Make that super dibbliest. Scott, proving that if creepiness were the hammer game, he’d be making the winning “Ding Ding Ding!” sound, says “Hi love.“ Ewwwwwwwww. Then, he does it again when he asks Stacey for a soda. Hey Scott.
Scott says “That sure hit the spot, honey” after she gets him the soda like a good little girl. I’m beginning to think Anastasia McGill grew up and changed her name to Anastasia Steele, so co-dependent is she. Mary Anne is rightfully resentful that Stacey is dumping all the work on her, but she’s too passive aggressive to do anything except shoot her pissy looks. Mary Anne, piss or get off the pot. Either you call her a slut bitch who can’t do anything right, or be a true passive aggressive and just smile and wave. I do for real for real feel bad for Mary Anne, who’s just expected to cope with Nicky running away to the house without telling anyone (Stacey really says that), rather than have another sitter and FRIEND who’s getting paid to help. If Stacey were to play “Hosebeast: The Video Game”, she’d have the highest score in the world. Scott, after he gets off duty, says he wants Stacey to “have his whistle”, and Stacey takes it “with shaking hands”. I honestly thought once I got into the book, I’d run out of evidence that Stacey’s a ho, or that Scott would stop saying pervy stuff. So far, none of that has happened.
Chapter 8
Mary Anne starts the chapter, and she’s telling Kristy that it really doesn’t suck watching eight kids on a rainy day. You tell yourself whatever works, hon. I won’t judge. Mary Anne bluntly says at the post script that Stacey’s more of a pain in the ass than her sunburn, and that if Kristy shows Stacey this letter, she’ll make Jeff the Killer look like amateur hour.
The goodly Mr. and Mrs. Pike want to make hay while the sun is shining, even though they’ll be baby making and the sun isn’t, in fact, shining. They suggest that the kids come with them to a colonial settlement, and the kids give that idea the Roman Emperor thumbs down. Their plan worked perfectly! Mr. and Mrs. Pike now have the perfect wholesome cover to fool Mary Anne into watching their children.
As always, MA and Stace can’t figure out what to do with the kids when the weather sucks. Isn’t that the sole purpose of the kid kits? Like, even when I babysat, (and yes, brought along kid kits) I’d say, “Here kid! You’re bored? Play with my old toys!” and do my homework. Finally, MA and Stacey decide to take the kids mini-golfing. When my parents first started dating, my dad was obsessed with mini golf, but he was also terrible at it, and took like three hours to make it in one putting hole. Needless to say, my mom was pissed and almost didn’t go on the crucial date number three (fortunately, she’s a patient woman), and I wouldn’t be here now. So fuck mini golf.
The Pike kids are even worse than my dad at mini golf, and Margo is the worst. She can’t get a shot at one of the holes and tries again… and again… and again until the guy in back of her pops an artery. He was cool with it the first ten times, but he’s understandably pissed that she’s messing up his date with his future wife, who will have a daughter who will snark this book. I also can’t believe how rude Margo was to a perfect stranger by whining and screaming that she didn’t want him to cut ahead of her, even though he’d be in and out with his girlfriend, and they would have had to wait for everyone else after Margo to go, since they’re doing it youngest to oldest. Jordan even awesomely suggests what I used to do as a kid, which is drop the ball in the hole, and move on. It’s a whole lot simpler that way.
Mallory is actually pretty good at mini golf, and Byron snaps it’s beginner’s luck. Or maybe she’s better at mini golf, Byron, and you need to grow up. Nicky causes a scene after he gets a hole in one in the clown putt. I can’t be the only one who thinks this is the clown that will eat me before I die, can I?
Stacey finally got a brain on loan from the shady stem cell research facility down the block, and suggests that they split up so the other patrons there don’t shove the clown putt putt up their asses. Well, it’s about time! I already don’t like mini golf at the best of times, but if I had to get behind nine kids before I had a turn, that golf club would be bent over all their heads.
Claire, being only five, has the highest score, and can’t take it anymore. If she can’t take this chapter any more, you know I must be about ready to call a hotline. Even more miraculously than the time my cousin and I won five thousand tickets in one go at Dave and Buster’s, Claire becomes the 500th customer, and wins herself free tix to go again. I seriously think they rigged that, because even if she and Margo won, they’d have to pay for all the other kids to go too, and that would put the Putt Putt people back in the black. Claire wants round two of minigolf, and Stacey chants “A life is a beautiful thing” a thousand times before trying to throw herself off the mini drawbridge.
Chapter 9
Ugh, babysitting chapter. Apparently God heard my prayers about rather having a Karen chapter than a Vanessa chapter (but not about Vanessa being eaten by a shark), and on top of all that, poor Louie gets hurt. DM is pretty shaken up that his dog was attacked, and Kristy rushes to help him. Karen, despite being given SPECIFIC instructions by her sitter to use a sponge, and follow instructions on how to wash her dad’s car, scrubs it with steel wool. Now, I could see such a mistake happening if a. Karen were just told to “Wash the car” and nothing else, and b. if she stopped scrubbing when she realized that the paint wasn’t supposed to come off, which would happen fairly quickly after the first few swipes. Karen is just fucking STUPID. I think most kids in utero are smarter than Karen at age six.
For once, I feel bad enough for Kristy to give her one of my Valiums, because she’s a nervous wreck, having to play phone tag to find her brother, so he can get Louie to the vet, trying to staunch an angry dog’s bleeding, and dealing with Karen’s idiot car catastrophe. Watson and Elizabeth brought home two champagne glasses from an estate sale, and Watson also beat Stacey’s high score for “Hosebeast the Rich and Stupid: The Wii Game”. Get a load of this. “I know you had an emergency, but you were in charge, and you should have had a closer eye on them.” Yes, Watson, the next time my dog slices his foot open so bad he needs stitches, and my younger brother is in hysterics, and I tried calling you from your estate sale, I’ll be sure to chain Karen to my waist. God forbid Karen get reprimanded for disobeying a sitter and destroying property. Kristy gave a paragraph of very emphatic instructions, and Karen blew them off. Watson. DEAL WITH YOUR CHILD. DON’T MAKE YOUR PARENTING FUCKUPS KRISTY’S FAULT. Or so help me, I will shake you like a martini. Speaking of which, I think I need something to drink. I need coffee.
Chapter 10
Stacey writes to Claudia that she’s an idiot, and I concur. She takes three postcards to tell Claudia a simple story that could have been written on larger stationary. Stacey still thinks Scott luvs her, because her hair is now blonde without the roots, and she’s tanner than the crispy bacon I’m eating. She even bought a tacky bikini that’s “pink, with parrots and palm trees all over it”. You know she bought that on the main drag. Thankfully, Mary Anne’s sunburn has healed up, but Stacey says she won’t tan. My ex-great aunt who still shows up for family reunions even though she divorced my great uncle has skin like Tan mom, and let’s just say that a seventy year old leather handbag is quite a sight. She’s like a PSA for always wearing SPF 150, your hat, and UV protected sunglasses.
Stacey accuses MA of being jealous, because all MA gets is a nice, cute, age appropriate mother’s helper guy helping her with her kids. Meanwhile, Pervert tells Stacey, “Sweetheart, did you know you’re beautiful?”
Mary Anne is pissed that she’s shouldering 90% of the childcare while Stacey gets Scott “A cold one”, and she’s had it up to here with Stacey. Luckily, the Mr. and Mrs. come back from Atlantic City and offer to give Stacey and Mary Anne the night off. See, this is why I’d never agree to go on a vacation as an au pair/babysitter/ mother’s helper, because the parents would dump an unfair amount of childcare on you, and then act as though they were doing you the favor, taking their own kids off your hands. This kind of arrangement doesn’t work unless you draft a schedule (Mary Anne will take three kids to the beach for two hours within watch of the Pikes, Stacey will stay back at the house with the parents and remaining children, the Pikes go out once a week by themselves, but are on site most days) and stick to it.
Mary Anne and Stacey decide to bury the hatchet over dinner, especially when MA gets a load of Stacey without her bikini. They have dinner, and they decide to go on the Ferris wheel together. The ticket taker calls Stacey “cutie” too. Megan’s Law? What’s that? A malpractice firm?
Stacey buys Scott a huge box of chocolates, and I can’t help but think of Romilda Vane from Harry Potter. Mary Anne, ever passive aggressive, says “DON’T LOOK OVER THERE!” while jumping and pointing. It’s Scott. He’s with an age appropriate hottie. “Aw, Stacey, we never said we were exclusive, honey!” And done. Part three, coming up with a side of fries!