California Girls! Part 3!
So, I was trying to fix my sleep schedule and nope, it's still fucked. So, I figured as long as I'm up, why not snark? And wowie wow. This one went on longer than I planned because I had to rage and rant about these nutty bitches. Also I may have gone a bit overboard on cussing. What can I say? I have fury! Today's song of the day always makes me cry. Half because it came out at a bad time for me. Half because it makes me homesick. And half that it's so melancholy. Yes, three halves. Anyway, let's go!
Part 1! Part 2!
-Song of the Day!-
Chapter 11!-Kristy
Bart writes Kristy and puts in that if she sees any cute girls, tell them he said hello. It's pretty cute that he thinks Kristy around any pretty girls would even have him in her thoughts. What is she gonna say? 'My beard says hello. Now whatchu up to, girl?' Oh, great, a sleepover with the W♥KC. In a K. Ron chapter. Well, I don't see how this will be painful! No sirree! Smooth as kitty toe beans! Sunny inquires what's to eat and Kristy snots probably something gross like 'eggplant and celery pizza'. Okay, I agree that celery is as nasty as Satan's ball sweat but eggplant? Fucking yum. I make a super yummy casserole with roasted eggplant so shut your trap.
Dawn shows what a generous hostess she is by yelling about how much she hates Carol. That-'She’s such a busybody. And she things [sic] she’s one of us. Or anyway, she acts like she’s one of us.' Goddamn, Dawn. SHUT THE FUCK UP!! She has NOT been acting 'like one of you'! She's been driving you around wherever you fucking please and being friendly! And AGAIN! YOU WOULD BE STUCK IN YOUR HOUSE ALL VACATION IF NOT FOR HER! Frankly, if I was Carol, I would tell Jack it's over because he has no clue how to raise a kid with any fucking decency! And if I were Jack or Sharon I would be fucking ashamed of my kid acting like this. What a stupid, self-centred, stuck-up little goat scrotum! She further snots that she let Mal dye her hair and Mal is like 'She didn't let me, you moron. I did that on my own' and Dawn just huffs. Please, dear Yog-Sothoth! Trap this little bitch in a never ending nightmare!
The other girls interrupt the hatefest by saying they're actually having fun and enjoying their vacation. And it's really, really boring. Stacey says how Claudia has Terry and wtf? Are they like her otp or something? Why the Hell is she so set on them dating happily? But of course, the fucking sun princess has to butt in and say that Carol sucks because she told Claudia to change for Terry. Um, no, she fucking didn't! You interrupted her before she could finish saying what she wanted. And not changing for a guy is something you're against? Oh, fucking REALLY?! Because I've snarked Dawn's Big Date and as I recall...YOU TOTALLY CHANGED EVERY LITTLE ASPECT OF YOURSELF FOR FUCKING LEWIS!! Now, I've never snarked Dawn and the Older Boy but fuck me, I know it's about you changing for a boy! You do not get to be high and mighty about this! You fucking fuck fuck fuckwad fuck!
*straightens tie smooths hair* Now where was I? Dawn changes the subject by saying Jack is going to take them all to Universal Studios that Saturday. But she says they have a problem in that Kristy has a sitting job with those brats that day. Kristy says it's no biggie, they'll just bring them along. Um, what? Does Ann not realise that US isn't free? Or cheap at all? Is Kristy suggesting the brats' parents drop a none too small amount of cash at the last minute to make the baby-sitter's schedule? I've been to US and it's not just a last minute thing to go. You have to save up money for that shit. Fucking Ann, man.
Sunny and the other W♥KC members are like 'Are you totally insane? Those kids are brats! Taking them to a big, busy place like US is not a good idea!' But does K. Ron care?! Of fucking course not! And we get this charming conversation:
K. Ron-I can handle children, thank you. I’m president of the first baby-sitting club. I know what I’m doing.
Sunny-But you don’t know Erick and Ryan.
K. Ron-Doesn’t matter.
MA interrupts by saying she wish wee little Stephie could come along but alas! She's in an iron lung and has consumption and isn't allowed to blink too hard or too often. Maggie says that stupid and she'll do just fine and K. Ron thinks-'So who was Maggie anyway? The Queen of baby-sitters?' Ah hahahahahahaha!
Sorry, guys. Something broke in my brain and we'll be back to your snark in a mo'.
MA is like 'Oh, cool! I'll call her pops and get permission!' And K. Ron is like, 'And I'll call the brat's dad and get permission!' The W♥KC looks on her in pity and she thinks-'They’re the irresponsible members of the club with the stupidest name I’d ever heard of'' and all this has just legit given me a stomach cramp. K. Ron's stupidity has injured me. I'm going out tomorrow so I'm gonna march to that Scholastic building a few blocks away and kick the first person I see in the fork. And then tell them to keep passing it on till it reaches Ann.
Chapter 12!-Claudia
Holy Hell! I'm only on the second chapter of this snark?! ~Someone was ranting~ Claudia writes to Janine and I'm sorry, this made me laugh so much I feel the need to transcribe it for you:
Hi. Who are you. Im am fine. Califonia is fine too. Tomorrow were going to this palce called universal studos its a theme park like Disney land but it isn't Disneyland. I think you get to see sepcal effects and go on a ride plus woodie wodpecker walks around. We're taking three children whith us.
Oops, I think transcribing that gave my spell check a stroke. It's okay, baby. I kinda stroked out too. I swear, I'm gonna get over being a hikikomori, go to a club, and ask a guy if I can see his 'Wodpecker'. I suggest all you single ladies out there do the same. We can make it a thing.
Claudia says how yes, they are taking random kids to US (why are parents in Ann books always so fucking stupid and trusting of 13 year olds?), but she's also going with Terry. She asks the others for advice and Dawn keeps pushing the 'Be yourself!' angle and-
That is a bat with the Holy Bible wrapped on it used for fighting demons. I'm gonna make a similar bat but with the page of the dictionary that has 'Hypocrite' on it and beat Dawn to death with it. Hang on...I got a little befuddled here. Okay it's the day before their trip (I think, it's really badly written) and that's when Claud has another date with Terry. She says how she would usually dress in-'some wild combination of pants and high-topped sneakers and large jewellery [sic], but opted for a plain Laura Ashley dress. I Googled Laura Ashley and there's actually a whole category for dresses from the 80s. And Holy crap, I remember those dresses and thought only really boring Grannies wore them. I'm not really sure what would be a worse outfit here. I'll let you decide.
Terry takes her to some hoity toity, fancy shmancy, ooh la-la French restaurant and I just...Claudia, I don't say much but you could really do better. This guy is a tool. He's well on his way to being a total dingus with a rivalry against robot house. The waiter starts with his 'Bluh bluh, merci beaucoup, Tresseme ooh la-la' and Claud just wants to gtfo. She orders escargots because despite being around kids 24/7 she never heard what the snail said when he saw the fast 'S' car. She tries to strike up a conversation with Terry but doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about and Jesus, Claud. Stop giving this guy your time! Fuck Stacey! I don't care that she's practically pushing you guys together saying 'Kissssss'. You do not stay around someone that makes you this uncomfortable!
Their food arrives and Claudia nearly dies that she ordered snails but chokes them down. See, here's where she could actually use Stacey's advice. I'm sure she'd teach you how to bypass your gag reflex. Anyway, the date is shitty and Claudia feels awful. She actually cries on the car ride home and fucking Terry doesn't even notice. Again, this guy is full of himself. Kick him to the curb. And Stacey too.
Chapter 13!-Mallory
Oh, Lordy Lordy Lordy Lord! Please grant me the strength to do this. Vanessa writes Mal and gives her an okay poem the miraculously doesn't rhyme. It's the day of their trip to US and Mal re-dyes her hair because she heard that at some of the shows sometimes pick out audience members to do demos. When I was little, I got picked twice to go and pet the dolphins at Sea World (I was young! I didn't know how awful those places are!) and the second time it happened, the lady asked me, 'What does he feel like?' and I was like 'Like the last time I petted a dolphin.' Because I was a little shit.
Anyway, Mal is takes an hour to put on her make-up (fucking amateur) and the way she describes the process...she's doing a really shitty job. I'm just picturing this bitch. And, hey! She's a fame whore too!
She finally comes out of the bathroom and everyone is pissed because she took so long and is still ugly. Okay, I may have made that last part up. Once they get ready, they pick up Stephie and the brats (hey, good band name!) and make their way to US. Mal is whining because she's squished between Jessi and Stacey and boo hoo! Her hair might get mussed! God, stfu! You know, Mal is always fucking annoying as Hell. She's always whining about something. I want a nose job! I want contacts! My parents treat me like a baby! I want to be a real California girl! My ratty ass hair is getting mussed! Waah waah waah! Will someone pimp slap this, bitch?!
And proving herself even stupider, Mal doesn't have the money for a ticket. So, she begs some off Jessi. If I was Jessi I would say, 'Just hang around and maybe someone will let you in for free for looking ~so good~.' And then Mal will be discovered and star in The Hills Have Eyes 3: This Time They're Really Ugly. Jessi lends it to her of course, because she's a sucker and Mal says she might need to borrow more.
They get inside and realise none of them have a camera. I laugh heartily and give a kiss to my phone and my digital camera because these suckers are paying for gift shop disposable cameras that probably have a 1000% mark up. They take a tour and blah blah blah. And were you wanting some shitty behaviour from a poorly made-up ugly ginger kid? Well, okay! I will provide! Jessi says that she knew how some effects were done because Derek Zoolander told her. And Mal says that she's being an annoying know-it-all and would tell her to shut up but she might need to borrow more money.
Is there no character Ann can't ruin? I gotta say, I know most of the comm is on Mal's side but Christ. She's just as awful as the rest of them. I'm just like, 'Get back in your rocket, and fuck off back to Legoland, you cunts!' I hate everyone in this book.
Chapter 14!-Kristy
Nope. Not gonna cover some random kid's bratty behaviour and K. Ron getting all high and mighty about being the greatest baby-sitter in all Christendom. At least she does get taken down a peg by the kids actually being annoying brats that she can't handle. Since that was stupid let's actually learn something for a change with an animal fact!
Chapter 15!-Mary Ann
Basically the same chapter as K. Ron's just from MA's pov. Logan writes MA saying that he sat for Jenny and she wants to call her unborn sibling 'Yucky Toilet' and why the fuck don't they like Jenny again? Because that's both hilarious and cute. Jenny > Karen. Anyway, it's just more tourist stuff coupled with MA's hypochondria by proxy. Stephie is a cute kid though. It dilutes MA's annoying behaviour some. They mention a bunch of stuff I remember from the tour and I heard they've changed it all and that makes me kinda sad. It would be a much better chapter without MA clutching her pearls every two seconds thinking either she or Stephie is about to die. Seriously, Stephie is way smarter than MA because she realises it's all fake while MA throws hissy baby fits.
Part 1! Part 2!
-Song of the Day!-
Chapter 11!-Kristy
Bart writes Kristy and puts in that if she sees any cute girls, tell them he said hello. It's pretty cute that he thinks Kristy around any pretty girls would even have him in her thoughts. What is she gonna say? 'My beard says hello. Now whatchu up to, girl?' Oh, great, a sleepover with the W♥KC. In a K. Ron chapter. Well, I don't see how this will be painful! No sirree! Smooth as kitty toe beans! Sunny inquires what's to eat and Kristy snots probably something gross like 'eggplant and celery pizza'. Okay, I agree that celery is as nasty as Satan's ball sweat but eggplant? Fucking yum. I make a super yummy casserole with roasted eggplant so shut your trap.
Dawn shows what a generous hostess she is by yelling about how much she hates Carol. That-'She’s such a busybody. And she things [sic] she’s one of us. Or anyway, she acts like she’s one of us.' Goddamn, Dawn. SHUT THE FUCK UP!! She has NOT been acting 'like one of you'! She's been driving you around wherever you fucking please and being friendly! And AGAIN! YOU WOULD BE STUCK IN YOUR HOUSE ALL VACATION IF NOT FOR HER! Frankly, if I was Carol, I would tell Jack it's over because he has no clue how to raise a kid with any fucking decency! And if I were Jack or Sharon I would be fucking ashamed of my kid acting like this. What a stupid, self-centred, stuck-up little goat scrotum! She further snots that she let Mal dye her hair and Mal is like 'She didn't let me, you moron. I did that on my own' and Dawn just huffs. Please, dear Yog-Sothoth! Trap this little bitch in a never ending nightmare!
The other girls interrupt the hatefest by saying they're actually having fun and enjoying their vacation. And it's really, really boring. Stacey says how Claudia has Terry and wtf? Are they like her otp or something? Why the Hell is she so set on them dating happily? But of course, the fucking sun princess has to butt in and say that Carol sucks because she told Claudia to change for Terry. Um, no, she fucking didn't! You interrupted her before she could finish saying what she wanted. And not changing for a guy is something you're against? Oh, fucking REALLY?! Because I've snarked Dawn's Big Date and as I recall...YOU TOTALLY CHANGED EVERY LITTLE ASPECT OF YOURSELF FOR FUCKING LEWIS!! Now, I've never snarked Dawn and the Older Boy but fuck me, I know it's about you changing for a boy! You do not get to be high and mighty about this! You fucking fuck fuck fuckwad fuck!
*straightens tie smooths hair* Now where was I? Dawn changes the subject by saying Jack is going to take them all to Universal Studios that Saturday. But she says they have a problem in that Kristy has a sitting job with those brats that day. Kristy says it's no biggie, they'll just bring them along. Um, what? Does Ann not realise that US isn't free? Or cheap at all? Is Kristy suggesting the brats' parents drop a none too small amount of cash at the last minute to make the baby-sitter's schedule? I've been to US and it's not just a last minute thing to go. You have to save up money for that shit. Fucking Ann, man.
Sunny and the other W♥KC members are like 'Are you totally insane? Those kids are brats! Taking them to a big, busy place like US is not a good idea!' But does K. Ron care?! Of fucking course not! And we get this charming conversation:
K. Ron-I can handle children, thank you. I’m president of the first baby-sitting club. I know what I’m doing.
Sunny-But you don’t know Erick and Ryan.
K. Ron-Doesn’t matter.
MA interrupts by saying she wish wee little Stephie could come along but alas! She's in an iron lung and has consumption and isn't allowed to blink too hard or too often. Maggie says that stupid and she'll do just fine and K. Ron thinks-'So who was Maggie anyway? The Queen of baby-sitters?' Ah hahahahahahaha!
Sorry, guys. Something broke in my brain and we'll be back to your snark in a mo'.
MA is like 'Oh, cool! I'll call her pops and get permission!' And K. Ron is like, 'And I'll call the brat's dad and get permission!' The W♥KC looks on her in pity and she thinks-'They’re the irresponsible members of the club with the stupidest name I’d ever heard of'' and all this has just legit given me a stomach cramp. K. Ron's stupidity has injured me. I'm going out tomorrow so I'm gonna march to that Scholastic building a few blocks away and kick the first person I see in the fork. And then tell them to keep passing it on till it reaches Ann.
Chapter 12!-Claudia
Holy Hell! I'm only on the second chapter of this snark?! ~Someone was ranting~ Claudia writes to Janine and I'm sorry, this made me laugh so much I feel the need to transcribe it for you:
Hi. Who are you. Im am fine. Califonia is fine too. Tomorrow were going to this palce called universal studos its a theme park like Disney land but it isn't Disneyland. I think you get to see sepcal effects and go on a ride plus woodie wodpecker walks around. We're taking three children whith us.
Oops, I think transcribing that gave my spell check a stroke. It's okay, baby. I kinda stroked out too. I swear, I'm gonna get over being a hikikomori, go to a club, and ask a guy if I can see his 'Wodpecker'. I suggest all you single ladies out there do the same. We can make it a thing.
Claudia says how yes, they are taking random kids to US (why are parents in Ann books always so fucking stupid and trusting of 13 year olds?), but she's also going with Terry. She asks the others for advice and Dawn keeps pushing the 'Be yourself!' angle and-
That is a bat with the Holy Bible wrapped on it used for fighting demons. I'm gonna make a similar bat but with the page of the dictionary that has 'Hypocrite' on it and beat Dawn to death with it. Hang on...I got a little befuddled here. Okay it's the day before their trip (I think, it's really badly written) and that's when Claud has another date with Terry. She says how she would usually dress in-'some wild combination of pants and high-topped sneakers and large jewellery [sic], but opted for a plain Laura Ashley dress. I Googled Laura Ashley and there's actually a whole category for dresses from the 80s. And Holy crap, I remember those dresses and thought only really boring Grannies wore them. I'm not really sure what would be a worse outfit here. I'll let you decide.
Terry takes her to some hoity toity, fancy shmancy, ooh la-la French restaurant and I just...Claudia, I don't say much but you could really do better. This guy is a tool. He's well on his way to being a total dingus with a rivalry against robot house. The waiter starts with his 'Bluh bluh, merci beaucoup, Tresseme ooh la-la' and Claud just wants to gtfo. She orders escargots because despite being around kids 24/7 she never heard what the snail said when he saw the fast 'S' car. She tries to strike up a conversation with Terry but doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about and Jesus, Claud. Stop giving this guy your time! Fuck Stacey! I don't care that she's practically pushing you guys together saying 'Kissssss'. You do not stay around someone that makes you this uncomfortable!
Their food arrives and Claudia nearly dies that she ordered snails but chokes them down. See, here's where she could actually use Stacey's advice. I'm sure she'd teach you how to bypass your gag reflex. Anyway, the date is shitty and Claudia feels awful. She actually cries on the car ride home and fucking Terry doesn't even notice. Again, this guy is full of himself. Kick him to the curb. And Stacey too.
Chapter 13!-Mallory
Oh, Lordy Lordy Lordy Lord! Please grant me the strength to do this. Vanessa writes Mal and gives her an okay poem the miraculously doesn't rhyme. It's the day of their trip to US and Mal re-dyes her hair because she heard that at some of the shows sometimes pick out audience members to do demos. When I was little, I got picked twice to go and pet the dolphins at Sea World (I was young! I didn't know how awful those places are!) and the second time it happened, the lady asked me, 'What does he feel like?' and I was like 'Like the last time I petted a dolphin.' Because I was a little shit.
Anyway, Mal is takes an hour to put on her make-up (fucking amateur) and the way she describes the process...she's doing a really shitty job. I'm just picturing this bitch. And, hey! She's a fame whore too!
She finally comes out of the bathroom and everyone is pissed because she took so long and is still ugly. Okay, I may have made that last part up. Once they get ready, they pick up Stephie and the brats (hey, good band name!) and make their way to US. Mal is whining because she's squished between Jessi and Stacey and boo hoo! Her hair might get mussed! God, stfu! You know, Mal is always fucking annoying as Hell. She's always whining about something. I want a nose job! I want contacts! My parents treat me like a baby! I want to be a real California girl! My ratty ass hair is getting mussed! Waah waah waah! Will someone pimp slap this, bitch?!
And proving herself even stupider, Mal doesn't have the money for a ticket. So, she begs some off Jessi. If I was Jessi I would say, 'Just hang around and maybe someone will let you in for free for looking ~so good~.' And then Mal will be discovered and star in The Hills Have Eyes 3: This Time They're Really Ugly. Jessi lends it to her of course, because she's a sucker and Mal says she might need to borrow more.
They get inside and realise none of them have a camera. I laugh heartily and give a kiss to my phone and my digital camera because these suckers are paying for gift shop disposable cameras that probably have a 1000% mark up. They take a tour and blah blah blah. And were you wanting some shitty behaviour from a poorly made-up ugly ginger kid? Well, okay! I will provide! Jessi says that she knew how some effects were done because Derek Zoolander told her. And Mal says that she's being an annoying know-it-all and would tell her to shut up but she might need to borrow more money.
Is there no character Ann can't ruin? I gotta say, I know most of the comm is on Mal's side but Christ. She's just as awful as the rest of them. I'm just like, 'Get back in your rocket, and fuck off back to Legoland, you cunts!' I hate everyone in this book.
Chapter 14!-Kristy
Nope. Not gonna cover some random kid's bratty behaviour and K. Ron getting all high and mighty about being the greatest baby-sitter in all Christendom. At least she does get taken down a peg by the kids actually being annoying brats that she can't handle. Since that was stupid let's actually learn something for a change with an animal fact!
Chapter 15!-Mary Ann
Basically the same chapter as K. Ron's just from MA's pov. Logan writes MA saying that he sat for Jenny and she wants to call her unborn sibling 'Yucky Toilet' and why the fuck don't they like Jenny again? Because that's both hilarious and cute. Jenny > Karen. Anyway, it's just more tourist stuff coupled with MA's hypochondria by proxy. Stephie is a cute kid though. It dilutes MA's annoying behaviour some. They mention a bunch of stuff I remember from the tour and I heard they've changed it all and that makes me kinda sad. It would be a much better chapter without MA clutching her pearls every two seconds thinking either she or Stephie is about to die. Seriously, Stephie is way smarter than MA because she realises it's all fake while MA throws hissy baby fits.