Jessi and the Bad Baby-sitter! Part 1!
Ah, yes. This is the last BSC I read when I was young. I had outgrown them before then but Jesus Christo, they were so damn addicting! It didn't matter to me how brain-bustingly stupid they were. Reading these books was like eating fair food. You know it's bad for you and you're probably worse off afterwards, but Goddamn. Reading these books was like liking Travis Touchdown a really stupid character who is a total loser but you can't help but love them. The reason these books are like crack is because they were written by people who consumed large amounts of said substance. Anyway, even at a young age, I was like 'Wow. What a bunch of idiots.' It was also the time that I thought K. Ron really needed to get her head out her ass. Reading Kristy running the club is like watching a chimp play with a handgun. Hilariously sad and someone is gonna end up with a cap in their ass. Well, let's go!
-Song of the Day!-
Let's have a look at the cover.
As you can see here, we have Incredulous Kristy. She can't believe this shit right here. Is Wendy daring to chew gum during a meeting? What the fuck is the big deal with chewing gum? I remember K. Ron being bitchy about it in Dawn's Big Date too. And one of the other 'bad' sitters chewed gum in the one with the BSA. Also, I remember at least two instances of 'official' members chewing gum and no one said a damned thing. So, I'm just confused. But where would these books be without inconsistency? Probably in the Library of Congress instead of Crazy Eddie's Landfill and Tire Fire Emporium where they belong.
Chapter 1!
Jessi is sitting for her siblings and Squirt nearly kills himself by falling off the coffee table. Jessi caught him in time and Jesus, already?! Already an '11 year olds should not be sitting for children' right on the first page?! Because while Squirt was doing his Hans Gruber impression, Jessi was in the other room playing Monopoly with Becca. Why were you not there with the two year old, you dumb spaghetti noodle? Blah blah blah. Exposition about aunt Cecilia and racist pricks in the 'Brook. And again, why the Hell would you be okay with people who were racist to you but then think, 'Oh! I was so caught up in your race I didn't realise you were a good person! Well now we can be friends!' Newsflash, people hide their racism. And knowing two disgusting racists, I can tell you, they don't change.
Becca moves the game to the living room and Jessi gets a call. It's her new friend Wendy! Oh, yay! I'm sure she'll become a recurring character! We all know how welcoming the BSC is to having non-BSC friends! Jessi invites her over and Squirt nearly kills himself again by eating a Monopoly piece. But Jessi distracts him and saves his life again. Wendy comes over and the kids are watching Flipper which Wendy calls 'The flip-ster'. Wendy, honey? I'm on your side here but that was stupid. Flippin' stupid. They watch the kiddies and it's boring
Chapter 2!
*takes deep breath* Okay Jo, you can do this. Just tell yourself it's just a book and you should really just relax. Mrs. Wilder calls the BSC and Kristy says she'll have to call back in five minutes because the meeting hasn't begun. Kristy? You know you suck, right? You know you're like, the worst business woman there is, right? Are you really such a hard ass about your precious rules that you couldn't handle that call five minutes before the meeting? Frankly, if I was Mrs. Wilder I would have said 'I'm not waiting around like I have all the time in the world. I'm calling someone else.' And then K. Ron would commit seppuku. And then all of Stoneybrook would celebrate. Ding dong the witch is dead and all that.
Blah blah blah. Kristy is a horrible bully whose 'friends' cower in fear about being late. Now doesn't that sound healthy? You know, if you're afraid of someone, that usually qualifies that person as an abuser. Also, who's afraid of a little mad dogging? If I was there, I'd just roll my eyes and make jerk-off motions and tell her to calm her tits. Oh, wait. She's doesn't have any. Calm her arms or ass or something, I guess.
Hey, Claudia outfit- 'an oversized white shirt under a black vest covered with a design of shiny beads (She sewed the beads on it herself.) She wore neon green legging and black ballet slippers (on which she’s sewn a matching bead design.) From one of her pierced ears hung a dangling earring made from the same beads and one the other ear she wore a small green hoop earring. It was an original look that only Claudia could make work.' Right. Only Claudia and not the half million girls who wore the same thing in the 90s. I'm surprised the BSC never went full crazy and threw Claudia into the zoo for being 'too exotic!'
Stacey and MA barely make the meeting in time and Mal is actually late. She doesn't seem to care all that much because she's just so super tired. Kristy says everyone is all worn out because they've had so much work since Dawn left. Stacey asks whether they should hire another member and Kristy says no because they'd have to tell them they need to quit when Dawn comes back. Um, why? Why not hire someone as an associate member? Why do you need an alternate officer? What exactly did Dawn even do different outside of attending meetings? This is the smartest, simplest solution and you can't come up with that? But no, Kristy please continue patting your ass on how business savvy you are.
Chapter 3!
At yet another BSC meeting, the girls are getting swamped with calls and it's all chaos chaos chaos. They get calls that they can't cover because no one is available. And Mal hasn't shown up at all. She calls them to say that she can't come to the meeting and to cover her jobs just in case she's catching something. And is Kristy sympathetic at all? Ha! You're so funny you should have your own sitcom! No, she's whining about having one less sitter. In an actual sensitive moment, MA is worried about Mal. They get calls and-dun dun dunnnn! They can't cover one for the Hills! Claudia is smart for a change and says that if they can't cover it, c'est la vie, it's not the end of the world. That of course makes K. Ron whine that it is the end of the world. God, shut up, Kristy.
Mr. Hill calls again and when K. Ron says they're still trying to work things out he's like 'Oh, you nutty bitches. I'm calling around for someone else.' Kristy sees this as the beginning of the end and wails they need to find another sitter to replace Dawn. Jessi suggests Wendy and K. Ron is like 'Fine great whatever.' Near the end of the meeting the phone rings and it's rancid ol' Dawn herself. She talks to Jessi a bit and Jessi stupidly hands the phone to K Ron who tells Dawn to get the Hell over here because the club is falling apart. Omg. HIRE AN ASSOCIATE! Goddamn, Kristy is an idiot. And a bitch, because when MA tries to talk to Dawn, she holds the phone hostage and tells her they can't talk till Dawn agrees to come back. At the end of the meeting, Jessi thinks that she's glad Wendy will have a chance to join the club but it's hard to replace Dawn. Right. Just go to the ocean, catch a barracuda, stick a blonde wig on it, and teach it to scream 'Charred animal carcasses!' Bam. You got Dawn.
Chapter 4!
Jessi and Mal are sitting for the wild baboon pack and Jessi is being a little bitch. She writes in the notebook that Mal shouldn't be complaining about the job because she (Jessi) did all the work. It's the usual Pike sitting job. In other words, boring. Mal keeps falling asleep and Jessi keeps getting mad about it because they're such good friends and all. Also, Margo is being mysterious. Thanks for the foreshadow hammer to the head, Ann. And Vanessa screws up her hair trying to curl it and Jessi has to cut the curlers out of her hair. Way to rip off Little Women there, Ann. As a crafter, I nearly die when she's uses a pair of Mal's scissors to cut the hair because omg, you do not mix your scissors up! You have one pair for fabric, one pair for paper, and one pair for hair. Everyone knows that!
Chapter 5!
*takes another deep breath* That Friday, Jessi goes to pick up Wendy to go to the meeting together, and she's panicking because Wendy doesn't realise that Kristy will-dun dun dunnnn! Look at them with her eyes narrowed! Won't somebody think of the children! Wendy is like,'What's the bfd, dude? Five minutes late isn't going to bring on the Apocalypse.' Jessi says, and I quote, 'Five minutes![...]I’m worried about being half a second late!' Because your friends should instill such a fear in you, you wet your knickers over the most ridiculous rules this side of a dystopian dictatorship. Do you think K. Ron keeps a copy of 1984 under her pillow to absorb the mind of Big Brother? Do you think she has a picture of a Salem witch trial judge that she makes out with? Do you think she beats DM if he sets the table and it's nein Stackenbolchen?!
They make it to the meeting in time, and Kristy asks Wendy for her resume. Wendy names who she's sat for and somehow doesn't mention that she's seen The Exorcist 167 times, and it keeps getting funnier every time she's sees it! Kristy, smelling a new potential minion, get's all high and mighty be saying, '“Mary Anne, please consult your book. I need a sitter for next Tuesday at five o’clock at the Rodowsky residence.”' Good God, Kristy is such a LOSER! And I'm picturing her saying that in the voice Jon Stewart uses for the Queen of England. Hullooooo!
They get a job that they can't cover again, so they have to flip everyone's jobs around to cover it. Jessi asks why Wendy can't take it and K. Ron is like, 'Do you see the mark of the Beast on her forehead? She's not approved by me.' Kristy starts grilling Wendy on what she's do in an emergency and shit which is all well and good, but does she know the difference between creeping and crawling? That's an easy question of course. Crawling is what babies and worms do, while creeping is what Sam did in the Shadow Lake book. Her in-terror-gation is cut short because they keep getting calls. Wendy books a job with Jessi as a trial run. The meeting ends and Wendy asks Jessi if she's in the club, and Jessi says not officially but things look good. Run, Wendy! Run far away and never drink Kool-Aid for the rest of your life!
-Song of the Day!-
Let's have a look at the cover.
As you can see here, we have Incredulous Kristy. She can't believe this shit right here. Is Wendy daring to chew gum during a meeting? What the fuck is the big deal with chewing gum? I remember K. Ron being bitchy about it in Dawn's Big Date too. And one of the other 'bad' sitters chewed gum in the one with the BSA. Also, I remember at least two instances of 'official' members chewing gum and no one said a damned thing. So, I'm just confused. But where would these books be without inconsistency? Probably in the Library of Congress instead of Crazy Eddie's Landfill and Tire Fire Emporium where they belong.
Chapter 1!
Jessi is sitting for her siblings and Squirt nearly kills himself by falling off the coffee table. Jessi caught him in time and Jesus, already?! Already an '11 year olds should not be sitting for children' right on the first page?! Because while Squirt was doing his Hans Gruber impression, Jessi was in the other room playing Monopoly with Becca. Why were you not there with the two year old, you dumb spaghetti noodle? Blah blah blah. Exposition about aunt Cecilia and racist pricks in the 'Brook. And again, why the Hell would you be okay with people who were racist to you but then think, 'Oh! I was so caught up in your race I didn't realise you were a good person! Well now we can be friends!' Newsflash, people hide their racism. And knowing two disgusting racists, I can tell you, they don't change.
Becca moves the game to the living room and Jessi gets a call. It's her new friend Wendy! Oh, yay! I'm sure she'll become a recurring character! We all know how welcoming the BSC is to having non-BSC friends! Jessi invites her over and Squirt nearly kills himself again by eating a Monopoly piece. But Jessi distracts him and saves his life again. Wendy comes over and the kids are watching Flipper which Wendy calls 'The flip-ster'. Wendy, honey? I'm on your side here but that was stupid. Flippin' stupid. They watch the kiddies and it's boring
Chapter 2!
*takes deep breath* Okay Jo, you can do this. Just tell yourself it's just a book and you should really just relax. Mrs. Wilder calls the BSC and Kristy says she'll have to call back in five minutes because the meeting hasn't begun. Kristy? You know you suck, right? You know you're like, the worst business woman there is, right? Are you really such a hard ass about your precious rules that you couldn't handle that call five minutes before the meeting? Frankly, if I was Mrs. Wilder I would have said 'I'm not waiting around like I have all the time in the world. I'm calling someone else.' And then K. Ron would commit seppuku. And then all of Stoneybrook would celebrate. Ding dong the witch is dead and all that.
Blah blah blah. Kristy is a horrible bully whose 'friends' cower in fear about being late. Now doesn't that sound healthy? You know, if you're afraid of someone, that usually qualifies that person as an abuser. Also, who's afraid of a little mad dogging? If I was there, I'd just roll my eyes and make jerk-off motions and tell her to calm her tits. Oh, wait. She's doesn't have any. Calm her arms or ass or something, I guess.
Hey, Claudia outfit- 'an oversized white shirt under a black vest covered with a design of shiny beads (She sewed the beads on it herself.) She wore neon green legging and black ballet slippers (on which she’s sewn a matching bead design.) From one of her pierced ears hung a dangling earring made from the same beads and one the other ear she wore a small green hoop earring. It was an original look that only Claudia could make work.' Right. Only Claudia and not the half million girls who wore the same thing in the 90s. I'm surprised the BSC never went full crazy and threw Claudia into the zoo for being 'too exotic!'
Stacey and MA barely make the meeting in time and Mal is actually late. She doesn't seem to care all that much because she's just so super tired. Kristy says everyone is all worn out because they've had so much work since Dawn left. Stacey asks whether they should hire another member and Kristy says no because they'd have to tell them they need to quit when Dawn comes back. Um, why? Why not hire someone as an associate member? Why do you need an alternate officer? What exactly did Dawn even do different outside of attending meetings? This is the smartest, simplest solution and you can't come up with that? But no, Kristy please continue patting your ass on how business savvy you are.
Chapter 3!
At yet another BSC meeting, the girls are getting swamped with calls and it's all chaos chaos chaos. They get calls that they can't cover because no one is available. And Mal hasn't shown up at all. She calls them to say that she can't come to the meeting and to cover her jobs just in case she's catching something. And is Kristy sympathetic at all? Ha! You're so funny you should have your own sitcom! No, she's whining about having one less sitter. In an actual sensitive moment, MA is worried about Mal. They get calls and-dun dun dunnnn! They can't cover one for the Hills! Claudia is smart for a change and says that if they can't cover it, c'est la vie, it's not the end of the world. That of course makes K. Ron whine that it is the end of the world. God, shut up, Kristy.
Mr. Hill calls again and when K. Ron says they're still trying to work things out he's like 'Oh, you nutty bitches. I'm calling around for someone else.' Kristy sees this as the beginning of the end and wails they need to find another sitter to replace Dawn. Jessi suggests Wendy and K. Ron is like 'Fine great whatever.' Near the end of the meeting the phone rings and it's rancid ol' Dawn herself. She talks to Jessi a bit and Jessi stupidly hands the phone to K Ron who tells Dawn to get the Hell over here because the club is falling apart. Omg. HIRE AN ASSOCIATE! Goddamn, Kristy is an idiot. And a bitch, because when MA tries to talk to Dawn, she holds the phone hostage and tells her they can't talk till Dawn agrees to come back. At the end of the meeting, Jessi thinks that she's glad Wendy will have a chance to join the club but it's hard to replace Dawn. Right. Just go to the ocean, catch a barracuda, stick a blonde wig on it, and teach it to scream 'Charred animal carcasses!' Bam. You got Dawn.
Chapter 4!
Jessi and Mal are sitting for the wild baboon pack and Jessi is being a little bitch. She writes in the notebook that Mal shouldn't be complaining about the job because she (Jessi) did all the work. It's the usual Pike sitting job. In other words, boring. Mal keeps falling asleep and Jessi keeps getting mad about it because they're such good friends and all. Also, Margo is being mysterious. Thanks for the foreshadow hammer to the head, Ann. And Vanessa screws up her hair trying to curl it and Jessi has to cut the curlers out of her hair. Way to rip off Little Women there, Ann. As a crafter, I nearly die when she's uses a pair of Mal's scissors to cut the hair because omg, you do not mix your scissors up! You have one pair for fabric, one pair for paper, and one pair for hair. Everyone knows that!
Chapter 5!
*takes another deep breath* That Friday, Jessi goes to pick up Wendy to go to the meeting together, and she's panicking because Wendy doesn't realise that Kristy will-dun dun dunnnn! Look at them with her eyes narrowed! Won't somebody think of the children! Wendy is like,'What's the bfd, dude? Five minutes late isn't going to bring on the Apocalypse.' Jessi says, and I quote, 'Five minutes![...]I’m worried about being half a second late!' Because your friends should instill such a fear in you, you wet your knickers over the most ridiculous rules this side of a dystopian dictatorship. Do you think K. Ron keeps a copy of 1984 under her pillow to absorb the mind of Big Brother? Do you think she has a picture of a Salem witch trial judge that she makes out with? Do you think she beats DM if he sets the table and it's nein Stackenbolchen?!
They make it to the meeting in time, and Kristy asks Wendy for her resume. Wendy names who she's sat for and somehow doesn't mention that she's seen The Exorcist 167 times, and it keeps getting funnier every time she's sees it! Kristy, smelling a new potential minion, get's all high and mighty be saying, '“Mary Anne, please consult your book. I need a sitter for next Tuesday at five o’clock at the Rodowsky residence.”' Good God, Kristy is such a LOSER! And I'm picturing her saying that in the voice Jon Stewart uses for the Queen of England. Hullooooo!
They get a job that they can't cover again, so they have to flip everyone's jobs around to cover it. Jessi asks why Wendy can't take it and K. Ron is like, 'Do you see the mark of the Beast on her forehead? She's not approved by me.' Kristy starts grilling Wendy on what she's do in an emergency and shit which is all well and good, but does she know the difference between creeping and crawling? That's an easy question of course. Crawling is what babies and worms do, while creeping is what Sam did in the Shadow Lake book. Her in-terror-gation is cut short because they keep getting calls. Wendy books a job with Jessi as a trial run. The meeting ends and Wendy asks Jessi if she's in the club, and Jessi says not officially but things look good. Run, Wendy! Run far away and never drink Kool-Aid for the rest of your life!