Mallory Pike, #1 Fan! Part 1!
I deeply apologise for not getting this up sooner. I just bought Animal Crossing and fell completely in love with it. And catching cicadas and designing clothes is much more fun than reading about Mal making a fool of herself some more. I also managed to watch Pacific Rim a record four times today. It's gotten to the point that I know all of Cherno Alpha's music cues. But play time is over and time to buckle down and get to snarking! Let's go!
-Song of the Day-
Chapter 1!
Oh, great...another Suzanne Weyn book. The same Suzanne Weyn who wrote Stacey the Horrid Bitch Who Bullies an Innocent Girl. Does she just hate writing these books? Because she seems to have a talent for making her protags heinous douche paddles.
Mallory is squeeing over English class because she's a big nerd. But truthfully, that was one of my fave classes too. Their teacher, Mr. Williams, gives a really vague assignment where they have to write about what they want to be when they grow up. He says they can write it up however they want-plays, poems, short stories.
Mal thinks this is a great assignment because she knows exactly what she wants to be. Whine whine whine about her looks exposition. Mr. W says their paper will take 80% of their grade and isn't that a lot? I have no idea because none of my teachers ever mentioned anything like that. But still, that seems like a lot for one report. Mal glances over at Jessi and says-'her delicate, dark brows were knit into a thoughtful frown'. Why are the BSC always perving on their friends? Well, with Claudia, Jessi, Dawn and Stacey anyway. When my friends post a picture on FB or something, I don't write a poem in my head about their looks. I just think 'Omg, what a cutie! I miss you so much!'
After school, Mal goes home and describes what-every-single-Pike kid-is doing. It's the epitome of filler. Haley calls for Vanessa and Mal thinks about how Haley is a member of the Kids-Can-Do-Anything club (hereby Kids Club because fuck whoever came up with that name) and are you ready for a big surprise? I'll warn you, it's shocking! Your skeleton may very well pop out of your skin! Okay! Here's goes! Mal thinks maybe she can involve kids in her project! Whaaat?! A BSC member thinking to use their cilents in a project?! What amazing thing will Suzanne think of next?! Using MA's barn for a venue!? Excuse me a moment while I stuff my skeleton back in.
This huge revelation takes it's toll on Mal's brain and she goes to read to relax. She's reading a book called Alice Anderson by a Henrietta Hayes and excuse me another mo. Ahem. 'I'll swallow your soul! I'll swallow your soul!' Anyway, Mal assures us the book is 'hysterically funny' but her description of what happens in it begs to differ. She says Henrietta (HH from now on because why the Hell not) must be a genius and wonders how she can come up with so many funny ideas. Eh, can't fault her for that. I feel the same way about Sir Terry Pratchett. But he's actually you know, good.
Mal finishes her book and actually cries that it's over. I've gotten sad over a book being over before but I never cried about it. Next thing you know, Mal will be crying over phone commercials. Mal decides to write to HH and remember we had to write to a celebrity for class and I chose John Bellairs. Now that I think about it, he was probably dead by that time. Then I switched to Bruce Coville and then I never finished the assignment. And I do feel a little bad for Mal knowing that she's going to get a form letter back. But then I remember her horrendous behaviour later and I go right back to hating her. I won't say 'atrocious' because Gyarados is the 'Atrocious Pokémon' and they're precious babies.
Chapter 2!
The usual Chapter 2: Electric Borealoo (thanks 3_foot_6!). Mal says if looks could kill, Kristy's definiately would. Kristy. Would kill her 'friends'. For being late. Jesus Christ. Stuff her in a trunk and drop it in the Pacific already! I also see that K-Ron has shoulder length hair and that she wears it in a ponytail. Really? Because when my hair was that long, I couldn't wear it in a ponytail. Even though Dawn's not even in this book we get a description about how gorgeous she is and how special she is for eating health food. Shut up.
Claudia outfit-'wide-legged maroon corduroy pants, a yellow paisley-print blouse with ruffle sleeves, and a yellow-and-maroon-striped vest. Her hair was fixed in two braids and she wore a black brimmed fisherman’s cap. On her feet were heavy-soled black Doc Marten shoes with bright yellow laces.' Paisley and stripes, Kishi? Also that's a total Ashley outfit so, shut up. Also how the Hell did she afford a pair of Doc Martens? I keep trying to save up for a pair but life keeps getting in the way.
Mal tells the other girls about her English assignment and asks if they have any ideas on what they should do. Stacey says she's has an idea for Jessi and it's just an excuse to mention she went to ballets in NYC. Because God forbid we forget where she came from for a minute. Mal says she wants to involve the Kids Club and K-Ron suggests a play. Of course, Mal acts like this is an amazing idea even though her teacher said they could do a play. But no, tell me more about how amazing Kristy is. Really. I love hearing about it.
Chapter 3!
On Monday, Mal heads to the elementary school to talk to Mr. Katz and Ms. Simon who are in charge of the Kids Club. Mal tells Ms. Simon about her play idea and hilariously, Ms. S isn't sure about it. Because Ann hates Mal! When has a BSC member ever been turned down on an idea? Everyone always acts like they're amazing but Mal gets turned down! Mal says they can put on the play for people in hospitals and now Ms. Simon okays it.If I was in the hospital I would not care about random kids putting on a play. I wouldn't go as far as to boo them but I would be like 'Screw that noise. I'm watching cartoons.'
Mal writes up her proposal for her class and her teacher asks to speak to her after class. Because she's delusional, Mal thinks that he's going to praise the Hell out of her for her amazing idea. I laugh when he says her propsal isn't right. I love when a BSC member crash and burns because of their massive ego. He tells her to redo it into something she'll actually learn from. Which what? Won't she be learning how to write a play? This assignment is bullshit. What's wrong with SMS teachers? Between this and the egg baby debacle, I'm pretty sure SMS teachers just show up to work wasted out of their gourd.
At home Mal tries to come up with an idea for her class. She says she can't drop the play idea because she already promised the Kids Club. Um, why not write a play as a side project and come up with something else for your class? Someone's not an 'idea machine'. Vanessa comes in with a letter for Mal and she gets all excited because it's from HH. She reads it and realises it's a form letter. Vanessa shows she's smarter than Mal by saying HH must have a lot of people to write. Mal agrees and thinks that at least the letter was answered quickly. She puts on her Baby's First Stalking Experience hat and checks the postmark. And omg! It's came right from Stamford! She thinks she can get in touch with HH and ask her all about being an author. It seems to me Mal is putting a lot of faith into her crazy ideas that could easily backfire and ruin her assignment.
Chapter 4!
Kids Club meeting and no one cares about this, right? It's so boring! After the meeting, Claud asks what Mal will write her play about and she says she doesn't know, but most authors write from their life. And in a moment that I don't believe for a second Claudia says-'you think most writing is autobiographical?' Riiight. The girl that said being at the grade school made her feel 'anchint' knows what autobiographical is. Mal says of course and that HH must be either Alice or her mom because they're so real. Uh huh. And J.K. Rowling is really a boy wizard. And Neil Gaiman is a neglected little girl. Shut the Hell up, Mal! You bloody moron!
Claudia asks if she's heard from HH yet and Mal says she hasn't. She says that she wrote her again and explained that she needs her help for a school assignment and damn, Mal! You are putting way too much of this assignment on other people! Shouldn't you have a back-up plan if this one falls through? Now I know it's gonna work out for her but what if HH lived somewhere far and she couldn't get her help? You're supposed to be the smart one, you idiot!
Chapter 5!
Mal is up till midnight reading more Alice Anderson books. She talks about how hilarious it is and again, it's not. And Alice seems like an irritating dumbass. No wonder Mal likes her. She also wishes her family was more like Alice's because they love and support each other whereas her parents use her for slave labour and her siblings torment her and respect her less than the hamster.
She realises 'Hey! Alice is a pain in the ass! I can be too!' She sneaks out of bed and goes to check the phone book. Lo and behold, she's right there! And she lives not far from Mary Anne's house! Omg! She goes back to her room and writes another letter to HH. She gets really desperate saying how her grade depends on her sending a real letter. She says she's running out of time and uh, new project? You keep getting form letters back, get a damn clue.
At school, Mal goes to the library and studies. Thrilling, I know. She gets advice from Ernest Hemingway and yeah, I don't know anything about him other then polydactyl cats and his suicide. But she takes his advice far too seriously when he says authors should write from their own life. And knowing what stupid extremes Mal will go to I start wrapping barbed wire to my boxing gloves. She also decides to write her play about her family and I dread the rest of this book.
-Song of the Day-
Chapter 1!
Oh, great...another Suzanne Weyn book. The same Suzanne Weyn who wrote Stacey the Horrid Bitch Who Bullies an Innocent Girl. Does she just hate writing these books? Because she seems to have a talent for making her protags heinous douche paddles.
Mallory is squeeing over English class because she's a big nerd. But truthfully, that was one of my fave classes too. Their teacher, Mr. Williams, gives a really vague assignment where they have to write about what they want to be when they grow up. He says they can write it up however they want-plays, poems, short stories.
Mal thinks this is a great assignment because she knows exactly what she wants to be. Whine whine whine about her looks exposition. Mr. W says their paper will take 80% of their grade and isn't that a lot? I have no idea because none of my teachers ever mentioned anything like that. But still, that seems like a lot for one report. Mal glances over at Jessi and says-'her delicate, dark brows were knit into a thoughtful frown'. Why are the BSC always perving on their friends? Well, with Claudia, Jessi, Dawn and Stacey anyway. When my friends post a picture on FB or something, I don't write a poem in my head about their looks. I just think 'Omg, what a cutie! I miss you so much!'
After school, Mal goes home and describes what-every-single-Pike kid-is doing. It's the epitome of filler. Haley calls for Vanessa and Mal thinks about how Haley is a member of the Kids-Can-Do-Anything club (hereby Kids Club because fuck whoever came up with that name) and are you ready for a big surprise? I'll warn you, it's shocking! Your skeleton may very well pop out of your skin! Okay! Here's goes! Mal thinks maybe she can involve kids in her project! Whaaat?! A BSC member thinking to use their cilents in a project?! What amazing thing will Suzanne think of next?! Using MA's barn for a venue!? Excuse me a moment while I stuff my skeleton back in.
This huge revelation takes it's toll on Mal's brain and she goes to read to relax. She's reading a book called Alice Anderson by a Henrietta Hayes and excuse me another mo. Ahem. 'I'll swallow your soul! I'll swallow your soul!' Anyway, Mal assures us the book is 'hysterically funny' but her description of what happens in it begs to differ. She says Henrietta (HH from now on because why the Hell not) must be a genius and wonders how she can come up with so many funny ideas. Eh, can't fault her for that. I feel the same way about Sir Terry Pratchett. But he's actually you know, good.
Mal finishes her book and actually cries that it's over. I've gotten sad over a book being over before but I never cried about it. Next thing you know, Mal will be crying over phone commercials. Mal decides to write to HH and remember we had to write to a celebrity for class and I chose John Bellairs. Now that I think about it, he was probably dead by that time. Then I switched to Bruce Coville and then I never finished the assignment. And I do feel a little bad for Mal knowing that she's going to get a form letter back. But then I remember her horrendous behaviour later and I go right back to hating her. I won't say 'atrocious' because Gyarados is the 'Atrocious Pokémon' and they're precious babies.
Chapter 2!
The usual Chapter 2: Electric Borealoo (thanks 3_foot_6!). Mal says if looks could kill, Kristy's definiately would. Kristy. Would kill her 'friends'. For being late. Jesus Christ. Stuff her in a trunk and drop it in the Pacific already! I also see that K-Ron has shoulder length hair and that she wears it in a ponytail. Really? Because when my hair was that long, I couldn't wear it in a ponytail. Even though Dawn's not even in this book we get a description about how gorgeous she is and how special she is for eating health food. Shut up.
Claudia outfit-'wide-legged maroon corduroy pants, a yellow paisley-print blouse with ruffle sleeves, and a yellow-and-maroon-striped vest. Her hair was fixed in two braids and she wore a black brimmed fisherman’s cap. On her feet were heavy-soled black Doc Marten shoes with bright yellow laces.' Paisley and stripes, Kishi? Also that's a total Ashley outfit so, shut up. Also how the Hell did she afford a pair of Doc Martens? I keep trying to save up for a pair but life keeps getting in the way.
Mal tells the other girls about her English assignment and asks if they have any ideas on what they should do. Stacey says she's has an idea for Jessi and it's just an excuse to mention she went to ballets in NYC. Because God forbid we forget where she came from for a minute. Mal says she wants to involve the Kids Club and K-Ron suggests a play. Of course, Mal acts like this is an amazing idea even though her teacher said they could do a play. But no, tell me more about how amazing Kristy is. Really. I love hearing about it.
Chapter 3!
On Monday, Mal heads to the elementary school to talk to Mr. Katz and Ms. Simon who are in charge of the Kids Club. Mal tells Ms. Simon about her play idea and hilariously, Ms. S isn't sure about it. Because Ann hates Mal! When has a BSC member ever been turned down on an idea? Everyone always acts like they're amazing but Mal gets turned down! Mal says they can put on the play for people in hospitals and now Ms. Simon okays it.If I was in the hospital I would not care about random kids putting on a play. I wouldn't go as far as to boo them but I would be like 'Screw that noise. I'm watching cartoons.'
Mal writes up her proposal for her class and her teacher asks to speak to her after class. Because she's delusional, Mal thinks that he's going to praise the Hell out of her for her amazing idea. I laugh when he says her propsal isn't right. I love when a BSC member crash and burns because of their massive ego. He tells her to redo it into something she'll actually learn from. Which what? Won't she be learning how to write a play? This assignment is bullshit. What's wrong with SMS teachers? Between this and the egg baby debacle, I'm pretty sure SMS teachers just show up to work wasted out of their gourd.
At home Mal tries to come up with an idea for her class. She says she can't drop the play idea because she already promised the Kids Club. Um, why not write a play as a side project and come up with something else for your class? Someone's not an 'idea machine'. Vanessa comes in with a letter for Mal and she gets all excited because it's from HH. She reads it and realises it's a form letter. Vanessa shows she's smarter than Mal by saying HH must have a lot of people to write. Mal agrees and thinks that at least the letter was answered quickly. She puts on her Baby's First Stalking Experience hat and checks the postmark. And omg! It's came right from Stamford! She thinks she can get in touch with HH and ask her all about being an author. It seems to me Mal is putting a lot of faith into her crazy ideas that could easily backfire and ruin her assignment.
Chapter 4!
Kids Club meeting and no one cares about this, right? It's so boring! After the meeting, Claud asks what Mal will write her play about and she says she doesn't know, but most authors write from their life. And in a moment that I don't believe for a second Claudia says-'you think most writing is autobiographical?' Riiight. The girl that said being at the grade school made her feel 'anchint' knows what autobiographical is. Mal says of course and that HH must be either Alice or her mom because they're so real. Uh huh. And J.K. Rowling is really a boy wizard. And Neil Gaiman is a neglected little girl. Shut the Hell up, Mal! You bloody moron!
Claudia asks if she's heard from HH yet and Mal says she hasn't. She says that she wrote her again and explained that she needs her help for a school assignment and damn, Mal! You are putting way too much of this assignment on other people! Shouldn't you have a back-up plan if this one falls through? Now I know it's gonna work out for her but what if HH lived somewhere far and she couldn't get her help? You're supposed to be the smart one, you idiot!
Chapter 5!
Mal is up till midnight reading more Alice Anderson books. She talks about how hilarious it is and again, it's not. And Alice seems like an irritating dumbass. No wonder Mal likes her. She also wishes her family was more like Alice's because they love and support each other whereas her parents use her for slave labour and her siblings torment her and respect her less than the hamster.
She realises 'Hey! Alice is a pain in the ass! I can be too!' She sneaks out of bed and goes to check the phone book. Lo and behold, she's right there! And she lives not far from Mary Anne's house! Omg! She goes back to her room and writes another letter to HH. She gets really desperate saying how her grade depends on her sending a real letter. She says she's running out of time and uh, new project? You keep getting form letters back, get a damn clue.
At school, Mal goes to the library and studies. Thrilling, I know. She gets advice from Ernest Hemingway and yeah, I don't know anything about him other then polydactyl cats and his suicide. But she takes his advice far too seriously when he says authors should write from their own life. And knowing what stupid extremes Mal will go to I start wrapping barbed wire to my boxing gloves. She also decides to write her play about her family and I dread the rest of this book.