Mary Anne + 2 Many Babies Part 1!
I'm having a major productive rush so I've been writing up my next snark. And lemme tell ya, it's not an easy one. There's so much stupidity. But at least it's semi entertaining. Well, the stupid class stuff is. The actual baby bits make me barf and lose track of what I'm doing. So are you ready for it? Ready to dive in to some of the stupidest behaviour that no teen would ever do in real life? Let's go!
Chapter 1
Wow. Right off with the exposition. MA says that she has a sister her age and wow! How can that be? I'm sure there's some crazy explanation like long lost twins or alien cloning or something amazing! Oh, wait...they're step-sisters. Why does Ann think that's some kind of odd thing that only happens to a microscopic amount of people? I looked it up and it said 50% of families in the US are blended families, so suck on that, Ann! My grandparents marriage was a second marriage and the only people who cared was the elk club my Grampa was a member of and kicked him out. It was worth it because my Grammy is a catch.
MA and Dawn are making a snack and MA finds hedge clippers in the bread drawer. Which makes her say about how Sharon is scatterbrained. I call bullshit. I'm scatterbrained. I sometimes forget to put on my shoes or misplace a bag or forget to grab something at the store. I do not leave a pair of fucking huge clippers in a kitchen drawer! Sharon is not scatterbrained she is a fucking insane pot head! Since they're getting a snack she also has to mention Dawn's diet. Who cares?! People have different tastes! Even within the same house there'll be differences! None of this makes you more special!
Dawn mentions that she saw some non BSC member's new baby brother and they start talking about how cute babies are. I kinda slack off because I really, really hate babies. Like just looking at them infuriates me. I never understood why the BSC was always cooing over them and wanting to sit them. I'd rather sit for kids who can talk and not shit themselves. They get to talking about how their parents should have a baby because it worked for Kristy's family. Yeah, what with the way they dumped a baby on their family with no warning or anything. About how they had to bring Nannie into the picture so they could ignore their kids even more. Yeah, that's a perfect example. Of insanity! Zing!
They also say that Sharon wouldn't even have much work to do because they're-'expert sitters'. Riiiighht. And what about when you're in school, you dumb bastards? Do they really think that having a baby is anything other than a 24 hour job? I think they need to talk with Mallory seeing as she's the only one who would have had to deal with a baby in the house. Or Jessi. Of course, babies in these books are never any work unless the plot calls for them to be. Gee, ya think the plot will call for babies to be pains in the ass? Ann is such a subtle writer, ya know. I always see Mary Anne + 2 many Babies being sold along side House of Leaves.
They hit us with the plot hammer again by discussing a new class they have to take called Modern Living. Isn't that a show on HGTV? Or a magazine? Anyway, the class is going to cover things like...living...modern living. I don't know what to compare it with. I've said before that I went to shitty schools so I always wondering what classes like this were like. We couldn't afford extracurricular classes. We did have sex ed but all we did was watch movies. Not even sex ed movies. We watched Willow. They realise they better go or Kristy will give them a kiss from the Captain's daughter.
Chapter 2
Did you ever play Pole Position? Well, Ann only plays exposition. But I guess it fits since she's as subtle as a car crash. MA must have just had a huge glass of Kool-Aid because she says Kristy is-'overflowing with fantastic ideas'. Please. I've had better ideas when I've been up too late watching Japanese ghost videos and thinking how to make Egyptian collars for cats because Cabby is a beautiful prince and must dress as royalty . Also in comparing herself to Kristy she mentions that she cries easily and no one likes going to the movies with her...what shitty friends. I wouldn't mind if my friend cried during a movie. It wouldn't ruin the experience for me. I'll admit I got choked up when little Mako Mori was running from a Kaiju but I stayed strong. But I imagine if I did cry my friends would still stay with me. The BSC sucks.
A call comes in from a Mrs. Salem needing a sitter for her twin babies. MA nearly creams herself because she's the only one available. Squeee! Again, I don't like babies and the thought of sitting for two of them gives me the vapours. I'd rather watch those two rambunctious Saint Bernards Kristy sat for and I'm allergic. I'd certainly would rather watch Jenny. I was always pissed when Andrea arrived because she ruined a perfect sitting charge.
Chapter 3
In their modern living class the teacher, Mrs. Boyden, 'marries' MA and Logan. MA says she glad she didn't ask them to kiss and what? A teacher asking students to kiss is gross! What if they weren't a couple? Would she still ask them to kiss? Mary Anne, you have some crazy thoughts. Mrs. Boyden asks the class whether they think they're capable of being married, caring for kids and living on their own. Fucking no! Of course they're not! Shit! I'm 20 years older and I'm not ready for that! Hi-lariously MA raises her hand because-'I certainly knew everything about taking care of kids'. That sound you hear is the sound of a million parents roaring with laughter. Mrs. Boyden calls on her and asks why she thinks something so stupid and MA says she baby-sits a lot and-'can change diapers and everything'. Even Mrs. Boyden knows this is bullshit and isn't impressed.
Mrs. B asks them what they think getting married implies and we get this stunner-'“I think getting married really means that you have, like, a plastic bride and groom on your wedding cake, not those little bride and groom mice or something. Or maybe you could have, like, a giant plastic wedding bell and some bluebirds or something"'. Your tax dollars at work, folks! I'm not too surprised. SMS seems like a pretty shitty school. Dances every week good! Education bad! Obey my dog! Kill the Malysian prime minister! MA says that was so stupid it gave her the guts to raise her hand and contribute because-'nothing would sound dumb after that'.
And yes, this is a shitty, stupid class because Mrs. B says-'when you are in class, you will sit together as couples. In fact, when you are in class you will be couples, and I’ll expect you to think and behave as such. You may be asked to be couples outside of class'. Fucking what? Exactly how are they supposed to be couples outside the class? Like go on dates and discuss their lives or what? Some of them are all boy couples. Can you imagine any teen agreeing to this? If I was taking this class I would totally bullshit the whole thing because the teacher is insane. I'd be like, 'Yeah! Me and dirty Dingus Magee are totally doing couple things! We're registered at Target and everything!' I mean, it's not like she can check what we're doing outside the class, now can she?
So, she gives them an assignment to figure out if they can live on their own and pay rent and other things that make grown-ups cry. And in a fit of stupidity that proves that buying streamers for a dance outweighs hiring competent teachers, she doesn't assign them make believe jobs. How the fuck are they supposed to pay for anything, you dumbass!? Shit! I would be like 'I'm assigning my own job! I make Egyptian cat collars for crazy cat people! And I'm a millionaire because why the fuck not?! You didn't say I couldn't, you idiot!'
Of course MA and Logan are just as stupid as their teacher and try to figure out how to buy a house on baby-sitting wages. You can't see it but I'm laughing like Hell. This is so fucking stupid! I just imagine these two nimrods going into a real estate office and being 'Yes, we're interested in a house. Something in the five dollar range. Seven if it comes with a pool.' Why they don't just write 'No. Houses are fucking expensive and we're thirteen years old, stupid'. They decide to live in MA's house. I swear, I would not put any effort into this assignment on the grounds that it's stupid as Hell.
Chapter 4
Why did I agree to this? I don't mind the major stupidity of the modern living assignment because at least it's funny but this sitting for babies? Nope. I'm sorry but I hate the little fuckers. MA sits for the twins and they behave so she can ease into a sense of 'babies are no trouble!' mood. When she gets home she talks about how wonderful babies are with Dawn and that their parents should totally have one! It's really stupid because they want to dress their hypothetical sister up and uh...you shit on Jenny for her mom dressing her up. So you can go to Hell where all the unbabtised babies are and have your dress-up doll pick of the litter.
-Goo goo fucking ga ga-
Sharon and Richard bust them and are like 'We're not going to have a baby, you knuckle knobs. It's hard enough raising you two idiots.'
Chapter 5
Back in the modern living class and MA and Logan have put way too much work into this dumb class. They write two pages explaining that being dumb kids with no real jobs, they can't afford shit. Well, I'm sure that that was eye-opening to them and they're totally ready to make it in the real world! Mrs. B you're a dumbass.
MA sees a carton of eggs on Mrs. B's desk and asks Logan if he thinks she's mad at them. Lol! Fucking what?! How is a carton of eggs indicative that someone is mad at them?! Does MA think Mrs. B is gonna pelt them with eggs?! Just what goes on at this school?! But no! The eggs are for the egg baby project! I always thought this was the dumbest thing. Mrs. B says they have to treat their egg like a baby and again, what proof is she gonna get? I would just put the egg where my cats can't knock it over and call it a day. I can make up what I did to take care of it that day. She's so stupid she doesn't even mark the eggs to make sure they keep the same one safe. Was the budget so tight they couldn't afford a Sharpie? What is the water in that town tainted with!?
And so begins the great egg debacle of '92 where dumb teens will take things way too seriously. I mean, I can get if they were worried about a good grade but the things they do is just insane. I don't know of any teen that would go this far over a damned egg. Like MA wants them to be able to tell their egg apart so Logan suggests food colouring because it's-'painless and non-toxic. You have to think of those things.' My Gods. IT'S A FUCKING EGG!!
Chapter 1
Wow. Right off with the exposition. MA says that she has a sister her age and wow! How can that be? I'm sure there's some crazy explanation like long lost twins or alien cloning or something amazing! Oh, wait...they're step-sisters. Why does Ann think that's some kind of odd thing that only happens to a microscopic amount of people? I looked it up and it said 50% of families in the US are blended families, so suck on that, Ann! My grandparents marriage was a second marriage and the only people who cared was the elk club my Grampa was a member of and kicked him out. It was worth it because my Grammy is a catch.
MA and Dawn are making a snack and MA finds hedge clippers in the bread drawer. Which makes her say about how Sharon is scatterbrained. I call bullshit. I'm scatterbrained. I sometimes forget to put on my shoes or misplace a bag or forget to grab something at the store. I do not leave a pair of fucking huge clippers in a kitchen drawer! Sharon is not scatterbrained she is a fucking insane pot head! Since they're getting a snack she also has to mention Dawn's diet. Who cares?! People have different tastes! Even within the same house there'll be differences! None of this makes you more special!
Dawn mentions that she saw some non BSC member's new baby brother and they start talking about how cute babies are. I kinda slack off because I really, really hate babies. Like just looking at them infuriates me. I never understood why the BSC was always cooing over them and wanting to sit them. I'd rather sit for kids who can talk and not shit themselves. They get to talking about how their parents should have a baby because it worked for Kristy's family. Yeah, what with the way they dumped a baby on their family with no warning or anything. About how they had to bring Nannie into the picture so they could ignore their kids even more. Yeah, that's a perfect example. Of insanity! Zing!
They also say that Sharon wouldn't even have much work to do because they're-'expert sitters'. Riiiighht. And what about when you're in school, you dumb bastards? Do they really think that having a baby is anything other than a 24 hour job? I think they need to talk with Mallory seeing as she's the only one who would have had to deal with a baby in the house. Or Jessi. Of course, babies in these books are never any work unless the plot calls for them to be. Gee, ya think the plot will call for babies to be pains in the ass? Ann is such a subtle writer, ya know. I always see Mary Anne + 2 many Babies being sold along side House of Leaves.
They hit us with the plot hammer again by discussing a new class they have to take called Modern Living. Isn't that a show on HGTV? Or a magazine? Anyway, the class is going to cover things like...living...modern living. I don't know what to compare it with. I've said before that I went to shitty schools so I always wondering what classes like this were like. We couldn't afford extracurricular classes. We did have sex ed but all we did was watch movies. Not even sex ed movies. We watched Willow. They realise they better go or Kristy will give them a kiss from the Captain's daughter.
Chapter 2
Did you ever play Pole Position? Well, Ann only plays exposition. But I guess it fits since she's as subtle as a car crash. MA must have just had a huge glass of Kool-Aid because she says Kristy is-'overflowing with fantastic ideas'. Please. I've had better ideas when I've been up too late watching Japanese ghost videos and thinking how to make Egyptian collars for cats because Cabby is a beautiful prince and must dress as royalty . Also in comparing herself to Kristy she mentions that she cries easily and no one likes going to the movies with her...what shitty friends. I wouldn't mind if my friend cried during a movie. It wouldn't ruin the experience for me. I'll admit I got choked up when little Mako Mori was running from a Kaiju but I stayed strong. But I imagine if I did cry my friends would still stay with me. The BSC sucks.
A call comes in from a Mrs. Salem needing a sitter for her twin babies. MA nearly creams herself because she's the only one available. Squeee! Again, I don't like babies and the thought of sitting for two of them gives me the vapours. I'd rather watch those two rambunctious Saint Bernards Kristy sat for and I'm allergic. I'd certainly would rather watch Jenny. I was always pissed when Andrea arrived because she ruined a perfect sitting charge.
Chapter 3
In their modern living class the teacher, Mrs. Boyden, 'marries' MA and Logan. MA says she glad she didn't ask them to kiss and what? A teacher asking students to kiss is gross! What if they weren't a couple? Would she still ask them to kiss? Mary Anne, you have some crazy thoughts. Mrs. Boyden asks the class whether they think they're capable of being married, caring for kids and living on their own. Fucking no! Of course they're not! Shit! I'm 20 years older and I'm not ready for that! Hi-lariously MA raises her hand because-'I certainly knew everything about taking care of kids'. That sound you hear is the sound of a million parents roaring with laughter. Mrs. Boyden calls on her and asks why she thinks something so stupid and MA says she baby-sits a lot and-'can change diapers and everything'. Even Mrs. Boyden knows this is bullshit and isn't impressed.
Mrs. B asks them what they think getting married implies and we get this stunner-'“I think getting married really means that you have, like, a plastic bride and groom on your wedding cake, not those little bride and groom mice or something. Or maybe you could have, like, a giant plastic wedding bell and some bluebirds or something"'. Your tax dollars at work, folks! I'm not too surprised. SMS seems like a pretty shitty school. Dances every week good! Education bad! Obey my dog! Kill the Malysian prime minister! MA says that was so stupid it gave her the guts to raise her hand and contribute because-'nothing would sound dumb after that'.
And yes, this is a shitty, stupid class because Mrs. B says-'when you are in class, you will sit together as couples. In fact, when you are in class you will be couples, and I’ll expect you to think and behave as such. You may be asked to be couples outside of class'. Fucking what? Exactly how are they supposed to be couples outside the class? Like go on dates and discuss their lives or what? Some of them are all boy couples. Can you imagine any teen agreeing to this? If I was taking this class I would totally bullshit the whole thing because the teacher is insane. I'd be like, 'Yeah! Me and dirty Dingus Magee are totally doing couple things! We're registered at Target and everything!' I mean, it's not like she can check what we're doing outside the class, now can she?
So, she gives them an assignment to figure out if they can live on their own and pay rent and other things that make grown-ups cry. And in a fit of stupidity that proves that buying streamers for a dance outweighs hiring competent teachers, she doesn't assign them make believe jobs. How the fuck are they supposed to pay for anything, you dumbass!? Shit! I would be like 'I'm assigning my own job! I make Egyptian cat collars for crazy cat people! And I'm a millionaire because why the fuck not?! You didn't say I couldn't, you idiot!'
Of course MA and Logan are just as stupid as their teacher and try to figure out how to buy a house on baby-sitting wages. You can't see it but I'm laughing like Hell. This is so fucking stupid! I just imagine these two nimrods going into a real estate office and being 'Yes, we're interested in a house. Something in the five dollar range. Seven if it comes with a pool.' Why they don't just write 'No. Houses are fucking expensive and we're thirteen years old, stupid'. They decide to live in MA's house. I swear, I would not put any effort into this assignment on the grounds that it's stupid as Hell.
Chapter 4
Why did I agree to this? I don't mind the major stupidity of the modern living assignment because at least it's funny but this sitting for babies? Nope. I'm sorry but I hate the little fuckers. MA sits for the twins and they behave so she can ease into a sense of 'babies are no trouble!' mood. When she gets home she talks about how wonderful babies are with Dawn and that their parents should totally have one! It's really stupid because they want to dress their hypothetical sister up and uh...you shit on Jenny for her mom dressing her up. So you can go to Hell where all the unbabtised babies are and have your dress-up doll pick of the litter.
-Goo goo fucking ga ga-
Sharon and Richard bust them and are like 'We're not going to have a baby, you knuckle knobs. It's hard enough raising you two idiots.'
Chapter 5
Back in the modern living class and MA and Logan have put way too much work into this dumb class. They write two pages explaining that being dumb kids with no real jobs, they can't afford shit. Well, I'm sure that that was eye-opening to them and they're totally ready to make it in the real world! Mrs. B you're a dumbass.
MA sees a carton of eggs on Mrs. B's desk and asks Logan if he thinks she's mad at them. Lol! Fucking what?! How is a carton of eggs indicative that someone is mad at them?! Does MA think Mrs. B is gonna pelt them with eggs?! Just what goes on at this school?! But no! The eggs are for the egg baby project! I always thought this was the dumbest thing. Mrs. B says they have to treat their egg like a baby and again, what proof is she gonna get? I would just put the egg where my cats can't knock it over and call it a day. I can make up what I did to take care of it that day. She's so stupid she doesn't even mark the eggs to make sure they keep the same one safe. Was the budget so tight they couldn't afford a Sharpie? What is the water in that town tainted with!?
And so begins the great egg debacle of '92 where dumb teens will take things way too seriously. I mean, I can get if they were worried about a good grade but the things they do is just insane. I don't know of any teen that would go this far over a damned egg. Like MA wants them to be able to tell their egg apart so Logan suggests food colouring because it's-'painless and non-toxic. You have to think of those things.' My Gods. IT'S A FUCKING EGG!!