FF#2: Stacey vs Claudia Chapters 1-7
So I’m back again to work on my mass project of snarking the entire Friends Forever series. No, I didn’t forget about it. I just had some personal stuff going on and real life took over and well, the next thing you know its a few months since you posted the first snark and you can’t find the file containing the first three chapters of this one! So well, I’m starting it over with fresh eyes, a few more months of life experience, and an excitement to make fun of fictional thirteen year old girls. I’m fairly certain all but that last one is normal for twenty-six year olds. Right?
Let’s start with the cover.
First I’m fairly certain I just stole that image from someone on the comm, because I google searched and just saw that it was originally in BSC_Snark. So thank you to whoever I took it from!
These covers are so much harder to snark than the original series. Mainly because they feature actual girls who look kind of close to thirteen-years-old instead of Hodges drawings of shrunken old men posing as four year olds and the thirty year old Jessi Ramsey. But I digress. Our cover has Claudia screaming into Stacey’s ear and Stacey rolling her eyes. At least I’m fairly certain its Stacey. There’s no perm, so it could be Dawn. Except that Dawn is blessedly not in this book.
But really, would it have killed them to find a blonde model with a perm for Stacey? Or did no one have as good of a resting bitch face as that girl?
Okay onto the book itself! But first, just a note, by the cover and the title, you have no idea who the narrator is going to be. I’ve read it before, so I know. But imagine picking it up for the first time. It’d be like a major surprise: Am I getting New York faux-sophistry or the junk food addled ramblings of the town idiot.
Chapter One
The book opens with dialogue, as many BSC books do. It makes me wish I had a physical copy to find out who actually wrote this one. But as I don’t, I’ll make do with the next best thing: Google. Oh wait, or the back button on my Kindle. I checked on a whim and found out that Suzanne Weyn wrote this one. Went to Google anyway and found out that she wrote a lot of the books I didn’t like in the original series. Oh well. This one kind of amuses me though, because it has the girls acting like thirteen-year-olds.
Anyway, the chapter opens with Maureen calling Stacey to the phone. (Yes, I’m on first name basis with parents of the BSC. Yes I realize this makes me a nerd. No, I do not care that I know more about the BSC than I will ever know about anything useful in life.) Ethan is calling all the way from New York City. Stacey welcomes the reprieve from studying American Westward Expansion to talk to her boyfriend.
We get a quick physical description of Ethan, along with him lamenting that they should’ve gone rollerblading in Central Park instead. That was what they’d originally had planned but school came and wrecked it. Stacey zones out thinking about school (and starting to give us her life story and the history of her relationship with Ethan) and Ethan literally has to call her back to reality.
So yes, apparently when they start narrating about their lives, they do just stare creepily into space with a little drool coming out of their mouths.
Stacey lies to Ethan saying that she was daydreaming about rollerblading with him. I guess she doesn’t want him knowing how egotistical she is, since she was daydreaming about her own life. They remind one another of the homework they have to do and Stacey attempts to make plans with him for next weekend. Except there’s a problem. Ethan signed up for an art class on - GASP - Sunday Afternoons. Weekends are supposed to be their time and Stacey is more than a little upset.
Ethan suggests that she change her schedule and she snaps that she’ll just cancel the whole weekend. Including her plans with her dad. Because we all know she wasn’t going to NYC to see Ed McGill. No, it was all to see Ethan. I feel so bad for Ed. Even if they only had plans to go to dinner on Saturday night. Anyway, Ethan compromises by saying that he’ll try to come to Stoneybrook on Saturday. Stacey agrees.
We also find out that Ed is a lawyer for a big corporation. But he got promoted to Vice-President of his company in Stacey’s Choice… I don’t think Suzanne realized that. Off topic. Sorry.
They set a time to call one another. Can’t be the next day because she has BSC and he has work. They schedule their phone call for 9:40 on Tuesday instead and then they get off the phone. Stacey feels that there is something wrong in her relationship. She almost calls Claudia to talk to her but stops because she doesn’t know what exactly is wrong. I’m assuming after she lays the phone beside her she goes back to studying westward expansion, but its not said.
Maybe she goes back to imagining rollerblading with Ethan, aka mentally monologuing about her personal history and the personal history of everyone she’s ever met.
Chapter Two
She’s happy to wake up Monday because school will distract her from Ethan. But just before homeroom, she sees something that really distracts her from her boyfriend. A cute boy. We get a physical description and Stacey asserts that she doesn’t know him. She claims that she knows everyone in her grade by name and all of the 6th and 7th graders by face at least. She checks him out as he walks by and is busted by Mary Anne. Mary Anne claims she didn’t really notice him and Stacey calls her out on that one. Finally Mary Anne admits that he’s cute.
Mary Anne asks if it makes Stacey feel weird that she notices cute guys and Stacey is like ‘No bitch. Cute is cute. Doesn’t mean we LUV our boys any less.’ Mary Anne confesses that she’s been looking at boys more and more. Subtle foreshadowing guys, because I’m fairly certain the next book is when Mary Anne and Logan finally bite the dust. Stacey points out that the boys probably check out other girls too and both girls get upset.
Honestly, I think that’s one of the most realistic things to happen in these books.
By lunchtime, Stacey is starving. Claudia asks if she brought a snack and Stacey admits that she probably left it at home. Claudia asks if something is wrong and Stacey begins to tell her about Ethan. But she gets distracted. I feel like Stacey as ADOCB - Attention Defici--- Oh Cute Boy! She asks Claudia if the boy is new and Claudia says that he is. We also find out that Claudia got moved back to 7th grade temporarily because she doesn’t care about school.
They get in lunch line behind the new Cutie and he asks how much lunch costs, which confirms that he’s new. When he asks if it shows, Claudia says that they know everybody. We find out that cutie’s name is Jeremy Rudolph. Stacey wonders what kind of impression Claudia is making and we get an outfit description:
“After all, not every girl at SMS (short for Stoneybrook Middle School) was wearing bright yellow tights with black stripes under a short tie-dyed jumper with long-sleeved neon-pink T-shirt. Or ankle-high vinyl boots, for that matter.”
Holy Hyphens Batman! Also imagining that outfit really hurts my eyes. Like its just so colorful and neon. It hurts.
Anyway, Stacey says it doesn’t really matter what Jeremy is thinking of Claudia. She’s just curious about him completely. She feels some strange, unexplainable connection to him. I think this is supposed to indicate love at first sight or something. I have no idea.
We find out where Jeremy is from. They make it through the lunch line and Claudia invites Jeremy to sit with them, just as Stacey remembers how much it sucks to be new and have to eat alone. Jeremy doesn’t mind eating with a bunch of girls and Stacey thinks that boys from Olympia had to be cooler than boys from Stoneybrook because of it. Uh Stace, Logan eats with you guys sometimes. You used to eat with a group of boys and girls. Maybe the boys just don’t want to sit at a table where you all only talk about the neighborhood kids and which eight year old likes which eight year old?
They get to the table and Stacey introduces him to everyone. Abby makes a bad pun about Olympia/Mt. Olympus. Then we get this gem from Kristy of all people: “I’m Kristy. Don’t mind my friends. They’re acting a little weird today. Mary Anne and I are the only ones who aren’t out of our minds.”
-blinks-
Excuse me Kristy? You’re not out of your mind. So it was your evil twin that spent over a hundred books controlling the lives of all of your friends and forming a cult of baby-sitters? And Mary Anne? You cry at Barney. Nope. Not believing that you guys aren’t out of your mind. That’s like when the narration says that Dawn is sweet. Nope. Nope. Nope. Does not compute. Mentally having a blue screen of death.
Jeremy is completely at ease around the girls (because he doesn’t know any better) and Stacey continues thinking about how connected to Jeremy she feels. Anyway Jeremy leaves and Mary Anne comments that he’d be perfect for Claudia. Stacey gets all butthurt before remembering that Ethan exists and Claudia is single. This won’t become a problem at all. Claudia decides that maybe she will ask him out. Stacey hopes that she does because it’s what she’d do if she were single.
Chapter Three
Stacey arrives at Claudia’s fifteen minutes early for the BSC meeting. She claims that after Abby, Logan, and Jessi left the cult, they mellowed out a little. I’ll believe it when I see it. Claudia is sketching Jeremy from memory and Stacey comments that his hair is a little longer in the back. That’s kind of creepy. Claudia admits to liking him and Stacey (mentally) admits to liking him too. Claudia asks why she’s there so early and she says she just wanted to hang out. Stacey finally tells Claudia about Ethan’s Sunday art classes. Her uneasy feeling about her relationship with Ethan returns and the subject is changed with the arrival of Mary Anne. She joins the conversation about Jeremy.
But luckily the conversation is interrupted when Kristy pops in and says some girl named Rachel Griffin is back. Apparently she’s like ‘Lucy Van Pelt, Helga Pataki, and Angelica Pickles rolled up into one.’ Suzanne, that’s a lot of modern references in one sentence. Did Ann not read this one? Because you’re not allowed to reference anything past 1955! So she was apparently a little bitch to them but she moved in 5th grade. Mary Anne comments that she could’ve changed in three years, and Kristy says that her looks have. She’s lost weight and is no longer a little butterball. Bitches!
They earn more bitch stripes when asked what Rachel did to them. Claudia says that her existing was bad enough. OMG. Seriously, Claud, you’re usually one of my favorites. Anyway, she tells a story about giving into Rachel’s peer pressure and climbing a tree and getting stuck. From that day on she hid from Rachel. Stacey says she wants to meet her and then realizes she moved in down the street from her.
Stacey says that she liked her, but Claudia and Kristy say that she wouldn’t like her if she knew her. So they haven’t lightened up the ‘no friends outside the cult’ rule even though they’ve allegedly mellowed out. At least Mary Anne continues to point out that she might have changed in the past three years. The phone rings and I remember that they’re at a BSC meeting. I guess the fact that there was no painful exposition of family history or even more painful planning of events made me forget.
It’s Mrs. Pike needing two sitters but only Mary Anne is free. Kristy suggests calling Logan even though he technically quit the club. Mary Anne says no because Logan complains that they call him too much. You know, he did quit the club. He’s entitled to not be called upon every other day to babysit. This isn’t a crime. Mary Anne comments that things have felt off lately in her life and everyone chalks it up to the fire, saying she’ll get over it. Even though Mary Anne said a lot of the unease was basically, if my house can disappear… That’s major. Don’t just be like ‘you’ll get over it.’
The best friends you’ll ever have ladies and gentlemen!
Chapter Four
We meet Rachel when she transfers into Stacey’s English class the next day. Stacey doesn’t care what her friends think. She thinks Rachel seems nice. Good for you, Stacey. I guess that time away back in the regular series loosened their mental control over you, even if you did willingly go back. But the mind control isn’t gone completely because she spends the whole class watching Rachel, searching for signs of the evil bitch she apparently was in fifth grade.
Stacey talks to her a bit after class and Rachel is a bit concerned that Stacey knows she lived there before. Stacey says her friends told her and asks if she remembers them. Rachel doesn’t seem too keen to hear their name. I know its probably meant to be because of the fact that she bullied them, but because I know more about the BSC than Rachel, I’m guessing that they were actually the bitches to her. Rachel asks if Claudia told Stacey that she used to hide from her. Rachel also says that the BSC weren’t exactly fond of her back then.
So we find out that Rachel just moved back to Stoneybrook from London, which really excites Stacey. But I didn’t know that any place was greater than NYC. Maybe London is equal to NYC in terms of cool. But they talk some more and Stacey decides that she and Rachel have a lot in common. When they separate, Stacey wonders if she can convince the rest of the club that Rachel is actually awesome now. Mainly because we know she can’t hang out with people unless the club approves them.
She goes to talk to Claudia at the end of the school day but stops when she sees Claud talking to Jeremy. This makes her irrationally jealous. She even admits that getting pissed makes no sense since she can’t do anything with Jeremy and she knows Claud likes him. She stands there, imagining a devil on one shoulder saying to go interrupt and the angel on the other shoulder saying leave and let Claudia get to know a cute boy. Before she can decide which one to listen to, Claudia spots her and calls her over. Stacey is a bit too happy about that.
Jeremy starts telling a story about an English teacher he had in Washington, but Stacey is too busy describing the exact color of his eyes and wondering if she can see into his soul through them to pay any attention. Claudia’s voice brings her back to earth and she agrees that something is funny even though she has no idea what it is. Stacey then decides that Claudia doesn’t have stars and hearts in her eyes like in a cartoon so clearly Claudia isn’t actually crushing on him. Stacey is bothered by how happy this makes her.
She goes home and has a snack before going to sit for the Rodowsky’s. I fear a baby-sitting chapter but the next paragraph is the Rodowsky’s coming home and her rushing home for Ethan’s phone call. She asks her mom if he called yet, but he hadn’t. Then a moment later, he calls. They have small talk about the gallery where Ethan works and Stacey says she can’t wait to see him. Radio silence. Turns out Ethan can’t come on Saturday because someone needed him to cover his shift. Stacey gets angry and realizes that they sound like Ed and Maureen pre-divorce.
She asks what’s going on with them lately and Ethan admits that he doesn’t know. Ethan admits that he thought it’d be easier to see each other that semester than it was and suggests that they should cool things down. Stacey agrees. Stacey’s eyes fill with tears and neither of them say anything or hang up. Finally Ethan tries to say goodbye and Stacey asks if they broke up. Ethan says no that they’re just changing things. But Stacey feels in her heart that its a break up.
When they hang up, Maureen asks what happened and Stacey says they broke up. They have a moment before Stacey goes upstairs to go to bed. She has difficulty falling asleep cuz her mind won't’ shut off. But mainly, she’s thinking about Jeremy and that’s keeping her awake. I’ll let you all insert your own jokes there, because my mind went to bad places and I feel uncomfortable writing that joke about a thirteen-year-old.
Chapter Five
Stacey says that if it hadn’t been so late, she would’ve called Claudia immediately. Instead she goes to tell her the next day at school, but she’s not at her locker. Stacey writes her a note and starts to stick it in her locker, but decides that would take too long for Claudia to get it. She puts it in her pocket and gives it to Claudia between homeroom and 1st period. Claudia reads the note right then and says she’ll write her back. Then she remembers that she already wrote a note to Stacey. She gives Stacey the note and says she’ll still write her back.
Stacey reads the note in class and it turns out that Claudia really likes Jeremy. Who would’ve ever seen that one coming? Show of hands. Oh wait, everyone saw it coming. Stacey isn’t surprised to hear that Claudia likes Jeremy but is surprised at how annoyed she is by it. She mentally mocks Claudia’s spelling, much like we all do. She decides that she must just be feeling crabby about her break up with Ethan.
She goes to talk to Claud in the cafeteria but Jeremy is sitting there. And that’s when it dawns on Stacey - She has a huge crush on Jeremy. Again, hands raised if you saw that one coming. Oh, that’s a lot of hands. This realization makes her lose her appetite but she has to eat due to her diabetes. She considers not sitting with her friends but she knows everyone will know something is up if she doesn’t. Again, CULT. Its obvious when she sits down that Claud has told everyone about the break up - except for Jeremy who doesn’t know what’s going on and asks. Stacey says its nothing important, and Kristy says long-distance things don't’ work before outright asking if Jeremy has a girlfriend in Washington. That’s Kristy Thomas - queen of tact.
They debate long distance relationships for about five minutes with Mary Anne getting in some more subtle foreshadowing about her and Logan’s future breakup. Stacey isn’t paying a lot of attention though because she’s staring at Jeremy and deciding that he does one thing when he agrees with her, therefore they’re on the same wavelength. I’m having flashbacks to her delusions with Wes.
Lunch ends and Claud begs her for help making Jeremy like her. Claudia wants Stacey to talk to Jeremy and Stacey agrees even though she knows she can’t actually do this. Yeah, that shouldn’t cause any problems at all.
Chapter Six
By Thursday morning Stacey has decided that she has to choose Claudia over Jeremy. Besides, just because she (Stacey) liked Jeremy doesn’t mean that he likes her. At school, she sends Claudia away from her locker so that when Jeremy inevitably comes by to talk to Claudia, they can both wait for her and Stacey can use that time to talk to him about Claudia. Claud wants to know if she should show up after awhile and Stacey says no, because she might interrupt getting juicy things. They make plans to try to meet at Mary Anne’s locker and secondary plans to write a note if Stacey doesn’t have time to get there before class.
Claudia skidaddles just in time. Jeremy stops by the locker and Stacey says she’s waiting for Claudia. Except that Jeremy just saw her leave, so Stacey covers saying she had to stop by Mary Anne’s locker for a book and that’s why she’s waiting. You know, instead of going with Claudia to get the book. Logic. They have none.
Jeremy says that he’ll wait cuz he needed to ask Claud something. Instead of finding out what that is like she’s supposed to, she starts asking Jeremy questions about him. Then Stacey volunteers herself and Claudia to show him where the mall is. They make plans for tomorrow night and Stacey starts to give him Claudia’s number before Jeremy reminds her that Claudia was supposed to be coming right back. They decide to discuss at lunch and Jeremy goes to class.
As soon as he’s gone, Stacey runs to Mary Anne’s locker and tells Claudia that she now has a date to go to the mall. Claudia reasons that if Stacey is there too, its not a date. Stacey says that she plans on suddenly getting sick and not being able to make it. Claudia still wishes that he would’ve asked her out on his own so she’d know for sure if Jeremy liked her. I can’t snark her on on that one. Stacey says it’ll be settled after they go to the mall and besides, Jeremy did want to ask her something anyway.
She also tells Mary Anne to tell Kristy and Abby what’s going on so they dont’ offer to tag along too. Which is a good thing because Jeremy extends the offer to everyone to go out to the movies with them. I like Jeremy. Why is he hanging out with the cult?
The next day at 6:30, Claudia calls her to say that he’s there. Then Claudia goes downstairs and Stacey calls the house line to say that she’s sick and can’t come. Jeremy says its too bad and Stacey tells them to have fun. Then she hangs up and Stacey pats herself on the back for being the best of best friends and doing something incredibly unselfish. And then she obsesses over Jeremy’s tone when he said that was too bad and decides that Jeremy was thrilled that she couldn’t make it. Then she imagines Jeremy calling to check up on her and them talking for hours before she remembered that Claudia likes him and she’s supposed to be helping Claudia.
She decides she doesn’t want Jeremy to call after all.
Chapter Seven
Claudia doesn’t call her on Friday night. By Saturday, she’s dying and calls her at 9:30 AM even though she knows Claudia likes to sleep in until 10 on weekends. Is that legit sleeping in? I don’t wake up that early on work days. Claudia is barely awake but manages to gush about how awesome it was being out with Jeremy. Stacey asks if he kissed her and Claudia says that he didn’t, but he might the next time. Not that he’s asked her out again, but Claud is certain that he will. They get off the phone and the doorbell rings.
It’s Jeremy. He came by to see how Stacey was doing and she invites him in. But because Maureen isn’t home, they have to stay in the kitchen. Stacey offers him a drink and asks how the date went. Jeremy says it wasn’t a date and then sputters about how Claudia’s great but he likes Stacey. He never actually says it, but it actually almost sounds like something that would happen in the real world so props there, Suzanne Weyn. Stacey is ecstatic but then wonders how Claudia would react.
She stays quiet too long and Jeremy says that its okay if she doesn’t want to go out. Stacey says that she does want to but can’t. He asks why not and she fails at explaining. Finally she asks if she asks if she can call him tomorrow with a real answer. He leaves and Stacey internally gushes that he likes her, even if she doesn’t know what to do.