FF#1 Kristy's Big News Chapters 1-9
So I sat down recently and had one of those out-of-the-blue remembrances: “Oh, crap! I promised I would snark Kristy’s Big News like a year ago!” So I sat down and saw that part of the doc was still in my computer and I had just never finished. So here we go! I have always wanted to snark Kristy’s father, one of my most hated characters. And better yet, I have always wanted to snark while drinking liquor. So I will pour myself the first cup of booze and do it instead of joking about needing to, etc. So here we go!
This is the first book of the Friends Forever series, just fyi. I never read the FF series. I remember hearing they sucked. Worse than the regular mysteries? I guess I’m about to find out. Oh, God, these covers are terrrrrible. Just a shot of the girls with a reaction on their faces. I remember the cover of MA’s Big Breakup. She looks like she just got out of the shower and is depressed because she ran out of conditioner or has dandruff or something. Stacey’s Problem, about her five boyfriends? I could interpret that cover as either “I just got my first period!” or “Shit, herpes?” The only cover I could think of from the FF era that looks good/interesting at all is Kristy and the Kidnapper, because Kristy actually looks scared like she’s been cornered in an alley or something. So here we have a young-looking Kristy looking glum and unsure of what to do. Oh, well. It could be as bad as the UK covers (you guys got shafted, seriously. I would have been afraid to pick some of those books up as a kid if I had seen those covers).
The cover of the book we’ll be talking about:
Otherwise known as "Kristy's Father is an Asshole." Appropriate face.
At least not as bad as these…
God dammit, I knew I forgot something on this grocery list! Sigh.
HERPES.
And just because I mentioned UK covers, I didn’t know that MA almost got murdered by an overzealous hairdresser.
Oh, GOD, ABORT ABORT ABORT.
But, I'm stalling. FF to me seems like a way for the club to not only go back to its old roots (even pre-Dawn), but also to have time actually go by in a normal manner and have issues finally be resolved before graduation time. Main topics include Kristy and her father, Logan and Mary Anne’s relationship, and Stacey’s old flings all put together. I guess this was before they took the big leap and did the California Diaries with the tough stuff-*searches* Oh, actually the copyright and release printing for the first book of both series is the same exact year and month. .Interesting. Milking the series for all they could get after the BSC wore out its welcome is the first thought that comes to mind, but I give them major props for CD as it is more mature stuff and good for the age group. I actually teared up reading excerpts of the series because it’s that sad. Let’s see if FF has any merits whatsoever.
BAHAHA, this ebook says it’s “Kristy’s Big Day.” Nice. Also, our ghostie of the day is Nola Thacker. And what do you know…it’s supposed to be the start of eighth grade. AGAIN. Jesus Christ, what were they thinking?!?!?! I know they didn’t want the girls aging rapidly, but this whole concept of multiple Halloweens, Christmases, starts to the school year, etc. just doesn’t look good. On to the plot: Because Kristy’s father is actually going to come back in this book, Kristy obviously talks about him more. His name is Patrick and that’s what she calls him. We learn Patrick is restless and keeps picking up and dropping things that interest him, never sticking to anything. Just like the fam bam. “Tennis? Naw. Cooking? Naw. Family. Naw. Abandonment? Yesssss!” Of course, as Kristy is thinking about him, Patrick calls right then and there during dinner and wants to talk to his kids…but not David Michael. What the hell? This is going to be a BIG part of my rage, by the way, so let’s continue before I self-destruct during the very first chapter. Kristy says he never calls and that she’s only seen him a handful of times since he left. Apparently, she saw him randomly at a ball game in California. I guess I missed that one, but I will still chuckle at the “they were in the same state so of course they ran into each other!” tripe. Other than this random encounter among a couple of others, this is a man she hasn’t really seen or spoken to since she was around six years old. He doesn’t make any attempts to contact his children, ever. But now Patrick talks to Kristy on the phone and acts like they’re old buddies. Kristy, very realistically, is all awkward and feels like she’s speaking to a stranger. At this point, Sam and Charlie have picked up the extensions to join in. Charlie is seething and I can’t really blame him for being pissed, since Patrick is acting like nothing ever happened. Abandonment? Neglect? God, you’re not still upset about that are you? That was, like, seven years ago!
Still searching for signs of contriteness or apologies.
Anyway, the reason Patrick is calling is because he’s getting married! The fact that he wants his real kids at his wedding is nice, he’s thinking of them and wants them to be there for the milestone. Hopefully, he wants to reconnect rather than have this be a one-shot wonder. But he’s missed all their milestones and isn’t even apologetic about it! Not one bit. We don’t get any “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you guys” or “It’s been a long time, but I want to get close again.” Nothing. Not that an apology really helps when you walk away from your four kids, but he isn’t repentant or sorry at all! This is pretty upsetting. He’s all happily chirping, “I wanted to tell my kids to be the first to know.” Ignoring that this is not a correctly formed sentence in the first place, how nice that he completely neglects to tell his FOURTH child.
I have heard the theory that Elizabeth probably got pregnant with David Michael on purpose so that Patrick would stay and the marriage could remain intact. Nevertheless, DM is still his son and he should acknowledge him as such! Poor DM wants to talk to his real dad and is sad when he didn’t even get the chance to. Patrick just hangs up, without a word about him. Wow. What an ass. You can make the argument that he’s too young to go or something along those lines, that’s valid. But Patrick does not even MENTION David Michael. Not one time. It’s like he has no memory of this son he had. What the f? No, seriously. They’ve never had a conversation, DM doesn’t remember him. But DM still wants to see him and get to know him. This is a big moment for a seven-year-old who has never met his father. And Patrick doesn’t even think about him. Let’s go with the argument that he’s feeling awkward about speaking to his son for the first time and perhaps feeling guilt he’s not expressing. NO. Even then, he still hasn’t mentioned him. Abandoning the family and now ignoring his youngest child and only connecting with the eldest three. I want to kick Patrick in the face. He makes Logan look like a King of Kindness.
My reaction.
“Aren’t you going to congratulate me?” Patrick asks when no one says anything. “Aren’t you going to pay child support and attention to your youngest son?” I ask. Charlie hangs up the extension and Patrick doesn’t notice. He’s just butthurt that no one is congratulating him, so Sam and Kristy do so. He’s already bought plane tickets for them and they’re on the way through Fed Ex (we know this is a ghostie since it’s not the Pony Express). That was nice of him to pay for their tickets, but he really should have asked if they wanted to go or were able to go first. Moreover, he should have talked to Elizabeth first instead of just presumptuously assuming it would be ok to send her three underage children across the globe to see their deadbeat, virtually nonexistent father. Elizabeth says it's up to the kids to decide, but we know he already bought the tickets before asking her in the first place. "They're already on the way!" Smooth. Kristy wants to say no, but agrees along with Sam. Patrick asks about Charlie and Kristy says he had to hang up, not explaining why. “Oh. I know he’ll be there. My kids won’t let me down!” Patrick crows. Seriously? You don’t even know your kids. And the one who did the letting down is you. I hereby rename him Patrick “LOL WHAT THIRD SON?” Thomas.
After the phone call, Kristy goes back to the table. Everyone, including Watson and Andrew, is all stoic because of this. Karen of course “is bouncing all around.” She never disappoints, does she? But I want to kiss the ghostie for not giving her too much dialogue. But let’s recap for a second. Did Patrick really A) Abandon the family B) Never make an attempt to correspond with them C) Call them out of the blue as if nothing had happened and invite them to his wedding D) Completely neglect to speak to or about his youngest child?
This is why hard liquor was created.
After not getting to speak to his dad on the phone, DM then says he wants to go to the wedding. It’s pretty heartbreaking when he’s told he’s not invited. Kristy wonders if Patrick has forgotten him, and then ponders that maybe he thought he was too young. I would have been so hurt. Seven is old enough to know when you’re being left out. Karen gets to join Peter Pan and tag along all the live long day, but David Michael isn’t even invited to his own father’s wedding. DM doesn’t get to meet or speak to his father at all. This could be easily have been made right (conversation-wise only, minus the whole abandonment of course) by saying “I want DM to come, but he’s a little too young. Send him my love, will you?” Even THAT would be better than pretending he doesn’t exist. “He’s my real father,” DM says. “I want to go.” Charlie snaps that he’s not his “real” father and starts to bring up awful memories of Elizabeth being left on her own, so she ends the conversation. While this must be upsetting for Elizabeth and all, I’m not pleased that she’s not trying to comfort DM at all. She just ignores him. COMFORT YOUR CHILD! Come on, Karen gets to be in the middle school play and David Michael doesn’t even get a pat on the back from his mom?! *swig*
The next day the tickets arrive…of course without one for DM. Charlie immediately says he’s not going. Charlie was 10 when Patrick left so I totally understand why he’s so pissed. I would have been LIVID if at age 10 the Dad I loved just ran off. Kristy was much younger so doesn’t remember all that much. She says she still cried, but not so much. She’s very understandably on the fence and torn up about it. It also turns out the trip will last a week and they’ll be staying with Patrick and the bride-to-be, Zoey. OH MAI GAWDZ they're living in sin! This definitely has to be a ghostie!! Kristy goes to MA’s place to discuss. Conveniently, MA now lives back on Bradford Court right near where she used to live. There just happened to be an opening? This is after the farmhouse burned down in the last book of the regular series and I guess I missed whatever book had her moving back. Kristy tries to get MA to take Charlie’s ticket, which is silly because MA has nothing to do with it and that plane ticket was not bought for her. I am seriously having lulz at the thought of Patrick’s reaction to his ticket being used by a teenage girl and even more so by the shade of purple Richard’s face would turn at the mere thought of his daughter flying to California without an adult. Despite the silliness, I can see why Kristy is so desperate to have someone she can talk to go with her. Sam’s not one to console you much and her own mom isn’t doing that good of a job making her feel better, either.
Kristy goes home, where Karen is telling Andrew that dogs and cats talk while people aren’t listening. If they did, they would be saying “get her away from meeeeeeeeeeeeee.” Elizabeth is finally doing a good job of consoling DM, at least to an extent. She explains that Patrick probably didn’t think he was old enough, which I would much rather tell my child than “Your father forgot you exist and doesn’t care.” Karen ruins the moment by chiming that she wants to go after DM says he can just use Charlie’s ticket. SHADDUP. Patrick’s annoying behavior is all I can take in this book! If you add to it, Karen, I will be forced to set the book on fire. Except it’s an ebook… and I love my computer...so you’re safe for now…
Thankfully, Kristy is also concerned about the whole “forgetting David Michael” dilemma. Elizabeth, having put out her maximum effort and usefulness of the day, sternly tells DM he can’t go when he keeps whining. I feel very, very bad for him. This is awful. Almost as awful as Elizabeth telling Charlie that if he doesn’t go, Kristy and Sam can’t either. THIS is so messed up, in my opinion. Charlie has every right not to go. Now you’re going to ruin things for the siblings that do want to/ badger your eldest child to do something he really doesn’t want to? Way to go, Elizabeth. If she would even offer a good reason (Charlie’s age, perhaps) that would be better. She’s got her head too deep into the wine glass to justify anything or console her kids who are going through a hard time, too.
When Kristy talks to Charlie, she tries to support her mother’s choice by saying that if only two of them show up it will be awkward to explain his refusal. Charlie says, “That’s his problem.” Can’t blame him there. But he caves in, claiming it’s just for Sam and Kristy that he’s going. Kristy is a good older sister in this book, comforting DM and promising to bring him stuff from California. At least someone cares about David Michael. Then Kristy thinks back to the early days of abandonment. Charlie baby-sat them all, gave them haircuts, and did the laundry. The colors had run and everything turned pink, so they put in a yellow towel to make it orange. It’s a cute story, but shows how much they were on their own. In return for all the help and sacrifice to his time, Charlie had been given a baseball glove. Awwww. Charlie hadn’t been able to play since Patrick left and Sam knew how much it meant to him to play again. Awwww! Kristy mentions that Patrick left them to pursue his dreams as a journalist. My blood pressure rises, so let’s just quickly GTFO of Stoneybrook and get on that plane to California!
Turns out Zoey left her Audi at the airport for them. Whoa! Would you let a 17-year-old you’d never met drive your Audi without supervision? In a city/state he’s presumably never been to? Not that it’s horrible or illegal, he’s licensed and everything, I just think this shows a huge amount of trust on Zoey’s part. But let’s not think about what makes sense or is realistic, we’re of course going to soar across the Golden Gate bridge! We don’t get a mention of how it’s not 80 degrees year round because that would be shaming Ann’s earlier depictions of California. Another thought: If Charlie hadn’t come, we would have had some serious lulz as Sam tried to drive. Then again, maybe not. I can see Kristy Thomas being the worst backseat driver ever. So they pull up to a fancy ass house, go in with the key they were left, and find a note that they should help themselves. True to his old ways, Patrick has given up writing for cooking! While the kids find this out by looking at pictures of him in an apron, as he neglected to say a word about this on the phone, he returns along with Zoey. They all stare at each other. AWKWARD.
Are these my kids or just total strangers who wandered into an unlocked house?
Zoey pushes Patrick to hug his kids, but only Kristy does any hugging. Sam shakes his hand. Charlie just says hello. Patrick says he can hardly recognize them and Charlie is all “yeah, whose fault is that?” Zoey introduces herself to kill the awkwardness and prevent the first five minutes of the meeting from becoming a round of Super Street Fighter. Turns out Zoey owns a restaurant and Patrick is her chef. “Yeah,” Patrick says. “Only I don’t wear a white hat.” Hope you have on a hairnet, then. Charlie says, “Hey, I thought you were a sportwriter.” Patrick is all, “Oh that? Not anymore.” Guhhhh. Patrick apparently has the attention span of Patrick Star. Not knowing what you want to do and trying different things is fine, but you cross that line when you abandon your kids to find yourself. Eventually, they go to the restaurant for a tour and of course it’s organic. Because there are no other kinds of restaurants in California, right? *wink* Maybe Dawn set them all on fire.
Sell meat one more time, mother fucker!
At dinner that night, Patrick brings up the clothes they need to get for the ceremony and wanting his sons to help him pick the stuff out. Zoey is nice and everyone including Charlie likes her. I actually think she’s one of the best minor characters ever introduced. But will sadly cause the “characters we never see again” tag to come out to play. Things are fine until Patrick wants his sons to be his best men. Also, pretty much the whole conversation is “ME ME ME ME ME ME.” “I went to an awards show” “I need help” “Oh, you’re talking? That’s nice, ME.” *sigh* Even Kristy as our narrator says that he’s pouting “like a brat” when prodded by Zoey to ask about his best men. Even better, that he is “like a self-important little kid.” THE TRUTH HURTS. And I am loving every moment of it. Then the biggest one of all that makes me pretty sad: “That was another side of Patrick I remembered as well, that quick sharpness whenever he didn’t get his way or when, as a child, I’d been slow to understand what he’d been trying to teach me.” Sounds like an impatient, spoiled, child. AND IT ALL MAKES SENSE.
But on to Patrick saying he wants to break the rules of one best man to have his two sons.As Kristy worries he’s forgotten DM, Charlie says no and reminds Patrick that he has three sons. Patrick, knowing how much this will piss me off, says nothing about DM in response. Zoey steps in as peacekeeper and nicely asks Charlie to think about being a best man. Patrick gets mad, then desperate and Charlie tells him he has no right to ask and again brings up DM, who Patrick ignores again. Charlie says, “You don’t know me, I don’t know you. Me being your best man isn’t going to make us buddies.” I'm literally clapping. Go, Charlie! He tries desperately to point out DM yet again, but Patrick just gets belligerent, so Charlie leaves the table. I just want to say that all of the kid’s reactions make sense and I really am pleased about that. Charlie has every right to be angry and upset. It makes sense that Sam would try to rekindle a relationship with his dad, jumping at the opportunity now that it’s there. And Kristy, who is torn between both and making an effort to keep things peaceful, is also being reasonable here. These poor kids. Their father is actually making all those crappy Stoneybrook parents look good.
So the next morning, Kristy is awakened to the sound of Zoey singing about shopping and promises to help her pick out a dress even though she doesn’t like them. Patrick asks what girl doesn’t like dresses and Zoey says, “Plenty, which you’d notice if you went clothes shopping more often.” I like Zoey x 100000. There’s a cute scene where she helps Kristy get out of a dress with a million bows and straps. But it also says that Zoey “roars” without mentioning that she’s laughing. Can I pretend she’s a lion now? That would explain the coolness! Charlie of course has stayed home as Sam and Patrick went out shopping. Zoey tells Charlie and Kristy their dad would be proud of them and Charlie asks sadly why he won’t tell them himself. Zoey gives an honest answer that she doesn’t know and wishes he would. *sigh* Turns out Sam and Patrick selected horrible ugly orange-yellow tuxes. Uhhhhh. Patrick gets mad when Charlie snarks it and Zoey says, ““I’m afraid Charlie is right. They are truly, deeply awful. What were you thinking, Patrick?”
I’d like to dedicate this gif to Patrick.
I love Zoey! But Patrick insists that they won’t change the tuxes. Zoey steps up her game and is all, “You can wear them if you want, just not to our wedding.” BURN. Patrick still fights but even Kristy-who is being uncharacteristically meek-speaks up that they suck. Patrick acts like a whiny baby until Charlie agrees to go shopping for better choices. Oh, wait, he continues to act like a baby, my bad. They go to a tuxedo shop and look at options all together, trying to find something nice. Patrick just says, “Whatever” in a bored voice. Up yours, Thomas. Everyone, including Kristy who knows nothing about fashion, including Sam who is usually goofing off, tries. Patrick just keeps on going, “Whatever.” Hey asshole, this is your wedding they're helping you with! Zoey, RUN. Zoey doesn't heed my advice, but she does finally have enough and tells her fiancé to step it up. Kristy, like every reader of this book, I should hope, realizes that she likes Zoey better than Patrick. She asks what that means. It means your father is a twat, Kristy. I can’t take anymore. Enough for now and stay tuned for Part 2!
This is the first book of the Friends Forever series, just fyi. I never read the FF series. I remember hearing they sucked. Worse than the regular mysteries? I guess I’m about to find out. Oh, God, these covers are terrrrrible. Just a shot of the girls with a reaction on their faces. I remember the cover of MA’s Big Breakup. She looks like she just got out of the shower and is depressed because she ran out of conditioner or has dandruff or something. Stacey’s Problem, about her five boyfriends? I could interpret that cover as either “I just got my first period!” or “Shit, herpes?” The only cover I could think of from the FF era that looks good/interesting at all is Kristy and the Kidnapper, because Kristy actually looks scared like she’s been cornered in an alley or something. So here we have a young-looking Kristy looking glum and unsure of what to do. Oh, well. It could be as bad as the UK covers (you guys got shafted, seriously. I would have been afraid to pick some of those books up as a kid if I had seen those covers).
The cover of the book we’ll be talking about:
Otherwise known as "Kristy's Father is an Asshole." Appropriate face.
At least not as bad as these…
God dammit, I knew I forgot something on this grocery list! Sigh.
HERPES.
And just because I mentioned UK covers, I didn’t know that MA almost got murdered by an overzealous hairdresser.
Oh, GOD, ABORT ABORT ABORT.
But, I'm stalling. FF to me seems like a way for the club to not only go back to its old roots (even pre-Dawn), but also to have time actually go by in a normal manner and have issues finally be resolved before graduation time. Main topics include Kristy and her father, Logan and Mary Anne’s relationship, and Stacey’s old flings all put together. I guess this was before they took the big leap and did the California Diaries with the tough stuff-*searches* Oh, actually the copyright and release printing for the first book of both series is the same exact year and month. .Interesting. Milking the series for all they could get after the BSC wore out its welcome is the first thought that comes to mind, but I give them major props for CD as it is more mature stuff and good for the age group. I actually teared up reading excerpts of the series because it’s that sad. Let’s see if FF has any merits whatsoever.
BAHAHA, this ebook says it’s “Kristy’s Big Day.” Nice. Also, our ghostie of the day is Nola Thacker. And what do you know…it’s supposed to be the start of eighth grade. AGAIN. Jesus Christ, what were they thinking?!?!?! I know they didn’t want the girls aging rapidly, but this whole concept of multiple Halloweens, Christmases, starts to the school year, etc. just doesn’t look good. On to the plot: Because Kristy’s father is actually going to come back in this book, Kristy obviously talks about him more. His name is Patrick and that’s what she calls him. We learn Patrick is restless and keeps picking up and dropping things that interest him, never sticking to anything. Just like the fam bam. “Tennis? Naw. Cooking? Naw. Family. Naw. Abandonment? Yesssss!” Of course, as Kristy is thinking about him, Patrick calls right then and there during dinner and wants to talk to his kids…but not David Michael. What the hell? This is going to be a BIG part of my rage, by the way, so let’s continue before I self-destruct during the very first chapter. Kristy says he never calls and that she’s only seen him a handful of times since he left. Apparently, she saw him randomly at a ball game in California. I guess I missed that one, but I will still chuckle at the “they were in the same state so of course they ran into each other!” tripe. Other than this random encounter among a couple of others, this is a man she hasn’t really seen or spoken to since she was around six years old. He doesn’t make any attempts to contact his children, ever. But now Patrick talks to Kristy on the phone and acts like they’re old buddies. Kristy, very realistically, is all awkward and feels like she’s speaking to a stranger. At this point, Sam and Charlie have picked up the extensions to join in. Charlie is seething and I can’t really blame him for being pissed, since Patrick is acting like nothing ever happened. Abandonment? Neglect? God, you’re not still upset about that are you? That was, like, seven years ago!
Still searching for signs of contriteness or apologies.
Anyway, the reason Patrick is calling is because he’s getting married! The fact that he wants his real kids at his wedding is nice, he’s thinking of them and wants them to be there for the milestone. Hopefully, he wants to reconnect rather than have this be a one-shot wonder. But he’s missed all their milestones and isn’t even apologetic about it! Not one bit. We don’t get any “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you guys” or “It’s been a long time, but I want to get close again.” Nothing. Not that an apology really helps when you walk away from your four kids, but he isn’t repentant or sorry at all! This is pretty upsetting. He’s all happily chirping, “I wanted to tell my kids to be the first to know.” Ignoring that this is not a correctly formed sentence in the first place, how nice that he completely neglects to tell his FOURTH child.
I have heard the theory that Elizabeth probably got pregnant with David Michael on purpose so that Patrick would stay and the marriage could remain intact. Nevertheless, DM is still his son and he should acknowledge him as such! Poor DM wants to talk to his real dad and is sad when he didn’t even get the chance to. Patrick just hangs up, without a word about him. Wow. What an ass. You can make the argument that he’s too young to go or something along those lines, that’s valid. But Patrick does not even MENTION David Michael. Not one time. It’s like he has no memory of this son he had. What the f? No, seriously. They’ve never had a conversation, DM doesn’t remember him. But DM still wants to see him and get to know him. This is a big moment for a seven-year-old who has never met his father. And Patrick doesn’t even think about him. Let’s go with the argument that he’s feeling awkward about speaking to his son for the first time and perhaps feeling guilt he’s not expressing. NO. Even then, he still hasn’t mentioned him. Abandoning the family and now ignoring his youngest child and only connecting with the eldest three. I want to kick Patrick in the face. He makes Logan look like a King of Kindness.
My reaction.
“Aren’t you going to congratulate me?” Patrick asks when no one says anything. “Aren’t you going to pay child support and attention to your youngest son?” I ask. Charlie hangs up the extension and Patrick doesn’t notice. He’s just butthurt that no one is congratulating him, so Sam and Kristy do so. He’s already bought plane tickets for them and they’re on the way through Fed Ex (we know this is a ghostie since it’s not the Pony Express). That was nice of him to pay for their tickets, but he really should have asked if they wanted to go or were able to go first. Moreover, he should have talked to Elizabeth first instead of just presumptuously assuming it would be ok to send her three underage children across the globe to see their deadbeat, virtually nonexistent father. Elizabeth says it's up to the kids to decide, but we know he already bought the tickets before asking her in the first place. "They're already on the way!" Smooth. Kristy wants to say no, but agrees along with Sam. Patrick asks about Charlie and Kristy says he had to hang up, not explaining why. “Oh. I know he’ll be there. My kids won’t let me down!” Patrick crows. Seriously? You don’t even know your kids. And the one who did the letting down is you. I hereby rename him Patrick “LOL WHAT THIRD SON?” Thomas.
After the phone call, Kristy goes back to the table. Everyone, including Watson and Andrew, is all stoic because of this. Karen of course “is bouncing all around.” She never disappoints, does she? But I want to kiss the ghostie for not giving her too much dialogue. But let’s recap for a second. Did Patrick really A) Abandon the family B) Never make an attempt to correspond with them C) Call them out of the blue as if nothing had happened and invite them to his wedding D) Completely neglect to speak to or about his youngest child?
This is why hard liquor was created.
After not getting to speak to his dad on the phone, DM then says he wants to go to the wedding. It’s pretty heartbreaking when he’s told he’s not invited. Kristy wonders if Patrick has forgotten him, and then ponders that maybe he thought he was too young. I would have been so hurt. Seven is old enough to know when you’re being left out. Karen gets to join Peter Pan and tag along all the live long day, but David Michael isn’t even invited to his own father’s wedding. DM doesn’t get to meet or speak to his father at all. This could be easily have been made right (conversation-wise only, minus the whole abandonment of course) by saying “I want DM to come, but he’s a little too young. Send him my love, will you?” Even THAT would be better than pretending he doesn’t exist. “He’s my real father,” DM says. “I want to go.” Charlie snaps that he’s not his “real” father and starts to bring up awful memories of Elizabeth being left on her own, so she ends the conversation. While this must be upsetting for Elizabeth and all, I’m not pleased that she’s not trying to comfort DM at all. She just ignores him. COMFORT YOUR CHILD! Come on, Karen gets to be in the middle school play and David Michael doesn’t even get a pat on the back from his mom?! *swig*
The next day the tickets arrive…of course without one for DM. Charlie immediately says he’s not going. Charlie was 10 when Patrick left so I totally understand why he’s so pissed. I would have been LIVID if at age 10 the Dad I loved just ran off. Kristy was much younger so doesn’t remember all that much. She says she still cried, but not so much. She’s very understandably on the fence and torn up about it. It also turns out the trip will last a week and they’ll be staying with Patrick and the bride-to-be, Zoey. OH MAI GAWDZ they're living in sin! This definitely has to be a ghostie!! Kristy goes to MA’s place to discuss. Conveniently, MA now lives back on Bradford Court right near where she used to live. There just happened to be an opening? This is after the farmhouse burned down in the last book of the regular series and I guess I missed whatever book had her moving back. Kristy tries to get MA to take Charlie’s ticket, which is silly because MA has nothing to do with it and that plane ticket was not bought for her. I am seriously having lulz at the thought of Patrick’s reaction to his ticket being used by a teenage girl and even more so by the shade of purple Richard’s face would turn at the mere thought of his daughter flying to California without an adult. Despite the silliness, I can see why Kristy is so desperate to have someone she can talk to go with her. Sam’s not one to console you much and her own mom isn’t doing that good of a job making her feel better, either.
Kristy goes home, where Karen is telling Andrew that dogs and cats talk while people aren’t listening. If they did, they would be saying “get her away from meeeeeeeeeeeeee.” Elizabeth is finally doing a good job of consoling DM, at least to an extent. She explains that Patrick probably didn’t think he was old enough, which I would much rather tell my child than “Your father forgot you exist and doesn’t care.” Karen ruins the moment by chiming that she wants to go after DM says he can just use Charlie’s ticket. SHADDUP. Patrick’s annoying behavior is all I can take in this book! If you add to it, Karen, I will be forced to set the book on fire. Except it’s an ebook… and I love my computer...so you’re safe for now…
Thankfully, Kristy is also concerned about the whole “forgetting David Michael” dilemma. Elizabeth, having put out her maximum effort and usefulness of the day, sternly tells DM he can’t go when he keeps whining. I feel very, very bad for him. This is awful. Almost as awful as Elizabeth telling Charlie that if he doesn’t go, Kristy and Sam can’t either. THIS is so messed up, in my opinion. Charlie has every right not to go. Now you’re going to ruin things for the siblings that do want to/ badger your eldest child to do something he really doesn’t want to? Way to go, Elizabeth. If she would even offer a good reason (Charlie’s age, perhaps) that would be better. She’s got her head too deep into the wine glass to justify anything or console her kids who are going through a hard time, too.
When Kristy talks to Charlie, she tries to support her mother’s choice by saying that if only two of them show up it will be awkward to explain his refusal. Charlie says, “That’s his problem.” Can’t blame him there. But he caves in, claiming it’s just for Sam and Kristy that he’s going. Kristy is a good older sister in this book, comforting DM and promising to bring him stuff from California. At least someone cares about David Michael. Then Kristy thinks back to the early days of abandonment. Charlie baby-sat them all, gave them haircuts, and did the laundry. The colors had run and everything turned pink, so they put in a yellow towel to make it orange. It’s a cute story, but shows how much they were on their own. In return for all the help and sacrifice to his time, Charlie had been given a baseball glove. Awwww. Charlie hadn’t been able to play since Patrick left and Sam knew how much it meant to him to play again. Awwww! Kristy mentions that Patrick left them to pursue his dreams as a journalist. My blood pressure rises, so let’s just quickly GTFO of Stoneybrook and get on that plane to California!
Turns out Zoey left her Audi at the airport for them. Whoa! Would you let a 17-year-old you’d never met drive your Audi without supervision? In a city/state he’s presumably never been to? Not that it’s horrible or illegal, he’s licensed and everything, I just think this shows a huge amount of trust on Zoey’s part. But let’s not think about what makes sense or is realistic, we’re of course going to soar across the Golden Gate bridge! We don’t get a mention of how it’s not 80 degrees year round because that would be shaming Ann’s earlier depictions of California. Another thought: If Charlie hadn’t come, we would have had some serious lulz as Sam tried to drive. Then again, maybe not. I can see Kristy Thomas being the worst backseat driver ever. So they pull up to a fancy ass house, go in with the key they were left, and find a note that they should help themselves. True to his old ways, Patrick has given up writing for cooking! While the kids find this out by looking at pictures of him in an apron, as he neglected to say a word about this on the phone, he returns along with Zoey. They all stare at each other. AWKWARD.
Are these my kids or just total strangers who wandered into an unlocked house?
Zoey pushes Patrick to hug his kids, but only Kristy does any hugging. Sam shakes his hand. Charlie just says hello. Patrick says he can hardly recognize them and Charlie is all “yeah, whose fault is that?” Zoey introduces herself to kill the awkwardness and prevent the first five minutes of the meeting from becoming a round of Super Street Fighter. Turns out Zoey owns a restaurant and Patrick is her chef. “Yeah,” Patrick says. “Only I don’t wear a white hat.” Hope you have on a hairnet, then. Charlie says, “Hey, I thought you were a sportwriter.” Patrick is all, “Oh that? Not anymore.” Guhhhh. Patrick apparently has the attention span of Patrick Star. Not knowing what you want to do and trying different things is fine, but you cross that line when you abandon your kids to find yourself. Eventually, they go to the restaurant for a tour and of course it’s organic. Because there are no other kinds of restaurants in California, right? *wink* Maybe Dawn set them all on fire.
Sell meat one more time, mother fucker!
At dinner that night, Patrick brings up the clothes they need to get for the ceremony and wanting his sons to help him pick the stuff out. Zoey is nice and everyone including Charlie likes her. I actually think she’s one of the best minor characters ever introduced. But will sadly cause the “characters we never see again” tag to come out to play. Things are fine until Patrick wants his sons to be his best men. Also, pretty much the whole conversation is “ME ME ME ME ME ME.” “I went to an awards show” “I need help” “Oh, you’re talking? That’s nice, ME.” *sigh* Even Kristy as our narrator says that he’s pouting “like a brat” when prodded by Zoey to ask about his best men. Even better, that he is “like a self-important little kid.” THE TRUTH HURTS. And I am loving every moment of it. Then the biggest one of all that makes me pretty sad: “That was another side of Patrick I remembered as well, that quick sharpness whenever he didn’t get his way or when, as a child, I’d been slow to understand what he’d been trying to teach me.” Sounds like an impatient, spoiled, child. AND IT ALL MAKES SENSE.
But on to Patrick saying he wants to break the rules of one best man to have his two sons.As Kristy worries he’s forgotten DM, Charlie says no and reminds Patrick that he has three sons. Patrick, knowing how much this will piss me off, says nothing about DM in response. Zoey steps in as peacekeeper and nicely asks Charlie to think about being a best man. Patrick gets mad, then desperate and Charlie tells him he has no right to ask and again brings up DM, who Patrick ignores again. Charlie says, “You don’t know me, I don’t know you. Me being your best man isn’t going to make us buddies.” I'm literally clapping. Go, Charlie! He tries desperately to point out DM yet again, but Patrick just gets belligerent, so Charlie leaves the table. I just want to say that all of the kid’s reactions make sense and I really am pleased about that. Charlie has every right to be angry and upset. It makes sense that Sam would try to rekindle a relationship with his dad, jumping at the opportunity now that it’s there. And Kristy, who is torn between both and making an effort to keep things peaceful, is also being reasonable here. These poor kids. Their father is actually making all those crappy Stoneybrook parents look good.
So the next morning, Kristy is awakened to the sound of Zoey singing about shopping and promises to help her pick out a dress even though she doesn’t like them. Patrick asks what girl doesn’t like dresses and Zoey says, “Plenty, which you’d notice if you went clothes shopping more often.” I like Zoey x 100000. There’s a cute scene where she helps Kristy get out of a dress with a million bows and straps. But it also says that Zoey “roars” without mentioning that she’s laughing. Can I pretend she’s a lion now? That would explain the coolness! Charlie of course has stayed home as Sam and Patrick went out shopping. Zoey tells Charlie and Kristy their dad would be proud of them and Charlie asks sadly why he won’t tell them himself. Zoey gives an honest answer that she doesn’t know and wishes he would. *sigh* Turns out Sam and Patrick selected horrible ugly orange-yellow tuxes. Uhhhhh. Patrick gets mad when Charlie snarks it and Zoey says, ““I’m afraid Charlie is right. They are truly, deeply awful. What were you thinking, Patrick?”
I’d like to dedicate this gif to Patrick.
I love Zoey! But Patrick insists that they won’t change the tuxes. Zoey steps up her game and is all, “You can wear them if you want, just not to our wedding.” BURN. Patrick still fights but even Kristy-who is being uncharacteristically meek-speaks up that they suck. Patrick acts like a whiny baby until Charlie agrees to go shopping for better choices. Oh, wait, he continues to act like a baby, my bad. They go to a tuxedo shop and look at options all together, trying to find something nice. Patrick just says, “Whatever” in a bored voice. Up yours, Thomas. Everyone, including Kristy who knows nothing about fashion, including Sam who is usually goofing off, tries. Patrick just keeps on going, “Whatever.” Hey asshole, this is your wedding they're helping you with! Zoey, RUN. Zoey doesn't heed my advice, but she does finally have enough and tells her fiancé to step it up. Kristy, like every reader of this book, I should hope, realizes that she likes Zoey better than Patrick. She asks what that means. It means your father is a twat, Kristy. I can’t take anymore. Enough for now and stay tuned for Part 2!