Mary Anne Breaks the Rules (1-5)
Whoo, it's my first Mary Anne snark! I don't like Mary Anne at the best of times (despite my own personality being a cross between her and Claudia), but I kind of really felt bad for her in this book. This is one of THOSE books, where the "best friends you'll ever have" act like complete and utter henious bitches towards one of their members (see also: Hello Mallory, Stacey vs the BSC, Claudia and the New Girl). One of those books that really makes you wonder why these girls are touted as the ideal best friends.
Chapter 1
Mary Anne is dreaming that she's a princess clutching a dying gargoyle in her arms. She wakes up and Tigger's climbing all over her just like Andromeda does to me every morning and 3 AM and 5 AM. -_- Mary Anne complains that Tigger interrupted her nice dream, and I hate when Andy does that too. xD Mary Anne says it's an ordinary morning except for three things: she's done all her homework (isn't it Claudia who slacks on homework?), Logan is getting along great with her (so, on an ordinary morning they're usually at eachother's throats?!), and nobody is mad at her (considering how much of a passive-aggressive bitch MA can be, I can see why THIS isn't ordinary). Mary Anne talks about how she's usually a worrywart and is teased by her "friends" (excellent friends!) for being "sensitive." I want to feel bad, but then I remember a lot of the time "sensitive" to Mary Anne means "crying to get out of being called out on her bitchery." We get a Mary Anne outfits. I hate Mary Anne outfits just about as much as I hate Kristy outfits. Rust-colored corduroys (ew), blue button down, and floral sweater. Mary Anne describes how her dad never used to let her wear such a perfectly scandalous outfit as this but now she has a short haircut so it's all good. She describes her dad's marriage to Sharon Schafer as "beauty and the beast." I know the guy used to be an irritating hardass, but isn't THAT a bit much??? Then she talks for a paragraph about Dawn, who's back in California and has SUCH a warm heart. You know, the kind of warm heart that vindictively snarks appearances and forces kids into bullshit environmentalism and preaches about everything that's gonna go wrong with your body because you ate a piece of chocolate. :D Also Dawn's an individual, mmkay, even though her entire personality is ripped off of Sunny's and she didn't even like the hippie stuff until she met her. Also, she dresses like every other stereotypical Cali girl. She's about as individual as the number two pencils in this packet on my desk. Apparently Mary Anne can now eat red meat without Dawn jumping down her throat. I think she should eat Dawn instead.
Sharon lost her sunglasses in an oatmeal canister. Wha....HOW? Why would you even....wow. After goofing off with Mom and Dad, Mary Anne leaves and meets Mal and Stacey. Mal talks about how she cannot even eat a peaceful breakfast in that house without her siblings being gross little barbarians. They run into some third graders, our star Jake Kuhn being one of them, and Mary Anne says that Jake still hasn't gotten over his parents' divorce. For some reason, Divorced Kid is in capital letters in Mary Anne's mind like it's a freaking title that you earn. I really don't get everyone in Stoneybrook's fixation on divorce like it's something special. And Stacey's not a "divorced kid." Her parents had the divorce, not her. She's a kid whose PARENTS are divorced. While they're busy talking about how Mary Anne is the opposite of the dreaded Divorced Kid, Logan runs in like an ape and grabs her and lifts her up. Okay, if anyone did this to me, including my boyfriend, I'd end up hitting him on reflex. Logan lets her down upon being warned that his head might be covered in throw-up in the near future. Stacey asks where he got his energy, and then he's like "WANNA SEE MY RECHARGABLE BATTERIES? *unbuttons shirt*" Okay, Logan is one of THOSE douchebags, clearly, but Mary Anne calls it "cute and charming." That's not charming, that's gutter-child humor. But he's attractive and a good babysitter, so it's all good. "Cute, charming" Logan now has to make fun of Jessi's ballet steps when she walks in. What a prince. It backfires when Jessi's like "Actually, you're pretty good. You oughta take ballet lessons" and Logan is hit right in the 13-year-old manhood (though I HATE when people go on about how dancing is "for girls." It makes me feel embarrassed of one of my favorite sports >.> And I've seen guys dance. Guys are beautiful when they dance).
School starts, Alan Grey is a douche, Kristy is stupid enough to fall for a rubber hand trick and also offended enough to attack the kid for it. Wow Kristy GET OVER YOURSELF. Logan waits for Mary Anne by her locker and is still suffering fatal hits to his manhood because Jessi, who's pretty awesome in this chapter, slipped him an article about guys in ballet earlier in the day. Instead of understanding that this means that ballet is just as "for guys" as any other sport, he's all embarrassed because he's a testosterone-poisoned d-bag. Seriously, enough with the "dancing is for girls" bullshit.
Chapter 2
Kristy's mouth is temporarily full of gummi worms and she cannot talk at the BSC meeting right now. QUICK, SOMEONE FEED HER MORE GUMMI WORMS. Oh hi, Shannon, I see you're actually at a meeting. I've never read a book where Shannon was at a meeting. Kristy accuses Claudia of giving her gummi worms on purpose. Yet she's the one who took them. Claud's like "Hey want some more candy so you can stfu?" (I love you Claud!) but Kristy's like UGH DOWN TO BUSINESS PLOX and then Claud calls her sir xD I love Claud so much. Mary Anne seems to think "Japanese-American" is a personality trait. The rest of this is typical chapter two "Look how awesome my club is" bullshit that I can skip.
It's dues day and nobody wants to fork it over. Stacey's like "Whatev you guys" and Mary Anne uses that as an opportunity to describe how good-natured she is because she's diabetic...what? When everyone finally gives her the dues, Stacey contemplates embezzling the club funds to buy a suede jacket. The rest of the chapter is some MORE "look how awesome my club is" BS, but I like when Claudia bursts out laughing when Shannon mentions sackbut lessons xD
Anyway, it's Halloween and Mary Anne is assigned to sit for the Kuhns.
Chapter 3 (Mary Anne is as sensitive as a rock)
I don't like Laurel and Patsy Kuhn. They really bug me for some reason. Maybe it's because the both of them are far too reminiscent of the Perkinses for my tastes. Mary Anne is settling in with a magazine when there's a KABOOM sound and everyone's like OMGWTFBBQ. Jake returns home from the Barrets' and says he hates Buddy because Buddy sucks. He stomps off to his room in anger, and Mary Anne goes to check on him. He is extremely pissed at Buddy, and it turns out that it's because Buddy invited him to his mom's wedding. Mary Anne's like "Say whaaaaat" and for fuck's sake, Mary Anne, after you spent chapter one pitying Jake about the divorce, you should KNOW why a wedding isn't the best place for him right now, MISS SENSITIVE. She automatically assumes she heard "didn't invite" and comforts him about that, instead of what REALLY happened. A+ sensitivity, A+ babysitting. Jake is like "No, you idiot, I said he INVITED ME to the wedding." Mary Anne's like, "And you're mad because why?" Are you serious right now, MA? Well, right after that MA goes, "I'm not as dumb as I look." These books do an excellent job of snarking themselves sometimes. Jake says Buddy got mad at him 'cause he said weddings are stupid, and Mary Anne is still completely oblivious and goes, "Oh it's fine, just call him back and apologize." *facepalm* It isn't until Jake calls Buddy's mom's boyfriend a mildly insulting name that Mary Anne finally clues in as to what's going on. I'm sad now. I had a very similar incident to Jake's not too long ago, except it wasn't about a divorce. So Mary Anne decides to talk about Jake's dad, and fucks that up too: "It must suck to see your friend getting a new dad." "WTF, WOMAN, I DON'T *WANT* A *NEW* DAD! >_>" Then he cries about how unfair it is that Jake gets TWO dads and he gets none. Too close to home when it comes to the unfairness of lost family members. Gonna cry. Mary Anne goes "I know how you feel D:" and Jake is like "Bullshit. You have a mom AND a dad right there. With you. In the house. All the time. So shut up." Mary Anne starts talking about her mother, who she tends to use to win conversations a lot and it bothers me. Jake retorts by saying not only is Buddy getting a stepdad, he is getting BROTHERS too. Jake then finishes it off by saying "Buddy sucks and I hate him and we're not friends anymore." But by the end of the chapter, they make up anyway.
Chapter 4
Logan and Mary Anne are fooling around at Pizza Express or something. I care about as much as I care about Princess Kate and the royal baby. Talk of football melts into talk of Mary Anne's sitting job with the Kuhns. For once, Logan is the sensitive one. He says that Jake must really miss his dad, a lot. Mary Anne's like "But but he calls and writes and stuff" and Logan's like "Are you high? That's not the same thing in the slightest, the kid is eight, his dad doesn't visit, and he probably thinks his dad's losing interest in him." When the douchebag is more sensitive than you, you need to look at your life. Logan says that Jake needs some guys in his life and that a boy's not going to want to play with girls all day. Mary Anne starts thinking that maybe that guy can be Logan. Logan says he doesn't have time to sit much anymore because of all his football practice, but then Mary Anne says that he doesn't need to take a sitting job, he can just come over and see Jake during HER sitting jobs. Logan's like "Okay, that sounds cool" then returns to talking about pizza. Now you see, the correct thing to do is to ASK Mrs. Kuhn if Logan can come over for an hour to play with Jake. But Mary Anne decides to just invite him in whenever he pleases. Into someone else's house. During her sitting job. And then she wonders just HOW she ran into all the trouble that she did. -_-
Stacey walks in with her boyfriend and she is wearing a TUXEDO for some reason. I go wtf at wearing a tux to Pizza Express, but then Stacey explains that they just came back from a really fancy restaurant. Oh. Okay. They left because it turned out the food was really fucking gross and contained the thymus gland of a calf. Their friend got legitimately sick from that and they had to leave. So they all chow down on pizza and goof around and laugh, and Mary Anne is boring. Mary Anne gets home and calls Dawn. Dawn talks about a very self-righteous day she had when she was at someone else's party and brought some weird health food, and then accidentally ruined it by dropping it into the coals. So a guy there has the HORRIFIC AUDACITY to offer her a hot dog. Dawn yells, "EWWW, PIG CARCASSES AND CARCINOGENS!" at him. What. A. Bitch. I wish the guy had thrown the burning hot dog right at her "warm hearted California girl's" face. I can't stand people who get preachy about food. I bet if it were a decade later, Dawn would watch Supersize Me and then try to sue McDonalds about it.
Chapter 5
Babysitting chapter with the Pikes. I NOPE right the fuck out of there and stop annoying my boyfriend by spending all this time typing up snarks while we're in a call xD
Mary Anne is boring. D:
Chapter 1
Mary Anne is dreaming that she's a princess clutching a dying gargoyle in her arms. She wakes up and Tigger's climbing all over her just like Andromeda does to me every morning and 3 AM and 5 AM. -_- Mary Anne complains that Tigger interrupted her nice dream, and I hate when Andy does that too. xD Mary Anne says it's an ordinary morning except for three things: she's done all her homework (isn't it Claudia who slacks on homework?), Logan is getting along great with her (so, on an ordinary morning they're usually at eachother's throats?!), and nobody is mad at her (considering how much of a passive-aggressive bitch MA can be, I can see why THIS isn't ordinary). Mary Anne talks about how she's usually a worrywart and is teased by her "friends" (excellent friends!) for being "sensitive." I want to feel bad, but then I remember a lot of the time "sensitive" to Mary Anne means "crying to get out of being called out on her bitchery." We get a Mary Anne outfits. I hate Mary Anne outfits just about as much as I hate Kristy outfits. Rust-colored corduroys (ew), blue button down, and floral sweater. Mary Anne describes how her dad never used to let her wear such a perfectly scandalous outfit as this but now she has a short haircut so it's all good. She describes her dad's marriage to Sharon Schafer as "beauty and the beast." I know the guy used to be an irritating hardass, but isn't THAT a bit much??? Then she talks for a paragraph about Dawn, who's back in California and has SUCH a warm heart. You know, the kind of warm heart that vindictively snarks appearances and forces kids into bullshit environmentalism and preaches about everything that's gonna go wrong with your body because you ate a piece of chocolate. :D Also Dawn's an individual, mmkay, even though her entire personality is ripped off of Sunny's and she didn't even like the hippie stuff until she met her. Also, she dresses like every other stereotypical Cali girl. She's about as individual as the number two pencils in this packet on my desk. Apparently Mary Anne can now eat red meat without Dawn jumping down her throat. I think she should eat Dawn instead.
Sharon lost her sunglasses in an oatmeal canister. Wha....HOW? Why would you even....wow. After goofing off with Mom and Dad, Mary Anne leaves and meets Mal and Stacey. Mal talks about how she cannot even eat a peaceful breakfast in that house without her siblings being gross little barbarians. They run into some third graders, our star Jake Kuhn being one of them, and Mary Anne says that Jake still hasn't gotten over his parents' divorce. For some reason, Divorced Kid is in capital letters in Mary Anne's mind like it's a freaking title that you earn. I really don't get everyone in Stoneybrook's fixation on divorce like it's something special. And Stacey's not a "divorced kid." Her parents had the divorce, not her. She's a kid whose PARENTS are divorced. While they're busy talking about how Mary Anne is the opposite of the dreaded Divorced Kid, Logan runs in like an ape and grabs her and lifts her up. Okay, if anyone did this to me, including my boyfriend, I'd end up hitting him on reflex. Logan lets her down upon being warned that his head might be covered in throw-up in the near future. Stacey asks where he got his energy, and then he's like "WANNA SEE MY RECHARGABLE BATTERIES? *unbuttons shirt*" Okay, Logan is one of THOSE douchebags, clearly, but Mary Anne calls it "cute and charming." That's not charming, that's gutter-child humor. But he's attractive and a good babysitter, so it's all good. "Cute, charming" Logan now has to make fun of Jessi's ballet steps when she walks in. What a prince. It backfires when Jessi's like "Actually, you're pretty good. You oughta take ballet lessons" and Logan is hit right in the 13-year-old manhood (though I HATE when people go on about how dancing is "for girls." It makes me feel embarrassed of one of my favorite sports >.> And I've seen guys dance. Guys are beautiful when they dance).
School starts, Alan Grey is a douche, Kristy is stupid enough to fall for a rubber hand trick and also offended enough to attack the kid for it. Wow Kristy GET OVER YOURSELF. Logan waits for Mary Anne by her locker and is still suffering fatal hits to his manhood because Jessi, who's pretty awesome in this chapter, slipped him an article about guys in ballet earlier in the day. Instead of understanding that this means that ballet is just as "for guys" as any other sport, he's all embarrassed because he's a testosterone-poisoned d-bag. Seriously, enough with the "dancing is for girls" bullshit.
Chapter 2
Kristy's mouth is temporarily full of gummi worms and she cannot talk at the BSC meeting right now. QUICK, SOMEONE FEED HER MORE GUMMI WORMS. Oh hi, Shannon, I see you're actually at a meeting. I've never read a book where Shannon was at a meeting. Kristy accuses Claudia of giving her gummi worms on purpose. Yet she's the one who took them. Claud's like "Hey want some more candy so you can stfu?" (I love you Claud!) but Kristy's like UGH DOWN TO BUSINESS PLOX and then Claud calls her sir xD I love Claud so much. Mary Anne seems to think "Japanese-American" is a personality trait. The rest of this is typical chapter two "Look how awesome my club is" bullshit that I can skip.
It's dues day and nobody wants to fork it over. Stacey's like "Whatev you guys" and Mary Anne uses that as an opportunity to describe how good-natured she is because she's diabetic...what? When everyone finally gives her the dues, Stacey contemplates embezzling the club funds to buy a suede jacket. The rest of the chapter is some MORE "look how awesome my club is" BS, but I like when Claudia bursts out laughing when Shannon mentions sackbut lessons xD
Anyway, it's Halloween and Mary Anne is assigned to sit for the Kuhns.
Chapter 3 (Mary Anne is as sensitive as a rock)
I don't like Laurel and Patsy Kuhn. They really bug me for some reason. Maybe it's because the both of them are far too reminiscent of the Perkinses for my tastes. Mary Anne is settling in with a magazine when there's a KABOOM sound and everyone's like OMGWTFBBQ. Jake returns home from the Barrets' and says he hates Buddy because Buddy sucks. He stomps off to his room in anger, and Mary Anne goes to check on him. He is extremely pissed at Buddy, and it turns out that it's because Buddy invited him to his mom's wedding. Mary Anne's like "Say whaaaaat" and for fuck's sake, Mary Anne, after you spent chapter one pitying Jake about the divorce, you should KNOW why a wedding isn't the best place for him right now, MISS SENSITIVE. She automatically assumes she heard "didn't invite" and comforts him about that, instead of what REALLY happened. A+ sensitivity, A+ babysitting. Jake is like "No, you idiot, I said he INVITED ME to the wedding." Mary Anne's like, "And you're mad because why?" Are you serious right now, MA? Well, right after that MA goes, "I'm not as dumb as I look." These books do an excellent job of snarking themselves sometimes. Jake says Buddy got mad at him 'cause he said weddings are stupid, and Mary Anne is still completely oblivious and goes, "Oh it's fine, just call him back and apologize." *facepalm* It isn't until Jake calls Buddy's mom's boyfriend a mildly insulting name that Mary Anne finally clues in as to what's going on. I'm sad now. I had a very similar incident to Jake's not too long ago, except it wasn't about a divorce. So Mary Anne decides to talk about Jake's dad, and fucks that up too: "It must suck to see your friend getting a new dad." "WTF, WOMAN, I DON'T *WANT* A *NEW* DAD! >_>" Then he cries about how unfair it is that Jake gets TWO dads and he gets none. Too close to home when it comes to the unfairness of lost family members. Gonna cry. Mary Anne goes "I know how you feel D:" and Jake is like "Bullshit. You have a mom AND a dad right there. With you. In the house. All the time. So shut up." Mary Anne starts talking about her mother, who she tends to use to win conversations a lot and it bothers me. Jake retorts by saying not only is Buddy getting a stepdad, he is getting BROTHERS too. Jake then finishes it off by saying "Buddy sucks and I hate him and we're not friends anymore." But by the end of the chapter, they make up anyway.
Chapter 4
Logan and Mary Anne are fooling around at Pizza Express or something. I care about as much as I care about Princess Kate and the royal baby. Talk of football melts into talk of Mary Anne's sitting job with the Kuhns. For once, Logan is the sensitive one. He says that Jake must really miss his dad, a lot. Mary Anne's like "But but he calls and writes and stuff" and Logan's like "Are you high? That's not the same thing in the slightest, the kid is eight, his dad doesn't visit, and he probably thinks his dad's losing interest in him." When the douchebag is more sensitive than you, you need to look at your life. Logan says that Jake needs some guys in his life and that a boy's not going to want to play with girls all day. Mary Anne starts thinking that maybe that guy can be Logan. Logan says he doesn't have time to sit much anymore because of all his football practice, but then Mary Anne says that he doesn't need to take a sitting job, he can just come over and see Jake during HER sitting jobs. Logan's like "Okay, that sounds cool" then returns to talking about pizza. Now you see, the correct thing to do is to ASK Mrs. Kuhn if Logan can come over for an hour to play with Jake. But Mary Anne decides to just invite him in whenever he pleases. Into someone else's house. During her sitting job. And then she wonders just HOW she ran into all the trouble that she did. -_-
Stacey walks in with her boyfriend and she is wearing a TUXEDO for some reason. I go wtf at wearing a tux to Pizza Express, but then Stacey explains that they just came back from a really fancy restaurant. Oh. Okay. They left because it turned out the food was really fucking gross and contained the thymus gland of a calf. Their friend got legitimately sick from that and they had to leave. So they all chow down on pizza and goof around and laugh, and Mary Anne is boring. Mary Anne gets home and calls Dawn. Dawn talks about a very self-righteous day she had when she was at someone else's party and brought some weird health food, and then accidentally ruined it by dropping it into the coals. So a guy there has the HORRIFIC AUDACITY to offer her a hot dog. Dawn yells, "EWWW, PIG CARCASSES AND CARCINOGENS!" at him. What. A. Bitch. I wish the guy had thrown the burning hot dog right at her "warm hearted California girl's" face. I can't stand people who get preachy about food. I bet if it were a decade later, Dawn would watch Supersize Me and then try to sue McDonalds about it.
Chapter 5
Babysitting chapter with the Pikes. I NOPE right the fuck out of there and stop annoying my boyfriend by spending all this time typing up snarks while we're in a call xD
Mary Anne is boring. D: