Maid Mary Anne Chapters 1-4
This book has never been snarked all the way through, most likely because it sucks. I'll see if I can make it all the way through.
Cover:
Mary Anne looks like a modern Cinderella. I think those are the Arnold twins. I'm not really comfortable with the decision to draw Carolyn in a belly shirt, that's awkward. I'm loving the fruit paintings in the kitchen though.
Chapter 1
"Happy families are all alike." Well we all know Lerangis likes to begin his books with onomatopoeia, I guess Nola Thacker likes to begin hers by quoting Russian Literature. Mary Anne quickly assures us that she hasn't had time to read Tolstoy between baby-sitting and making googly eyes at Logan; she just heard it from Janine the real live genius. Anyway, MA is thinking of this quote as she eats breakfast on a sunny SUMMER Saturday (emphasis on the summer part, it will be part of my up coming rage blackouts). Dawn is eating healthy food, Richard is eating his food obsessive compulsively, MA is pigging out, and Sharon is eating a bagel with a side of pantyhose, so pretty much the usual.
Mary Anne agonizes that her family isn't like others so maybe they aren't happy and ugh I am so sick of all their openings of omg my family is so wild and crazy! Your widowed father getting remarried and gaining 2 stepkids isn't confusing, or even interesting.
Wtf Mary Anne is running late for a job with the Arnolds as Dawn offers to wash her plate and MA fawns for 2 paragraphs about how amazing that is and she hopes she would have done the same. It's one fucking dish, not clean up after Thanksgiving dinner. If you aren't willing to wash a couple dishes for a family member you really are a bitch.
MA gets to the Arnolds and they decide to go exploring and Marilyn worries they might get lost like Columbus did. Mary Anne resists the urge to call her a moron and just assures her they aren't trying to find India, just the Stones' farm, so they should be alright.
They walk, Musical Marilyn can apparently identify birds just by hearing their songs. They play with the stupid goat, which does sound really cute, but Elvira was in the last book I snarked too, and I am sick of her. Mrs. Stone tells MA about Mrs. Towne, the neighborhood gardening and sewing guru and says MA should introduce herself sometime.
As they walk home the girls concoct wild scenarios to tell their mother, such as getting attacked by rattle snakes in the desert. Mary Anne half listens to them as she fantasizes ways to meet Mrs. Towne. Actual quote "I laughed at the wild scenarios they concocted. But I have to admit, I concocted some almost as wild and just as unlikely myself--for meeting Mrs. Towne." Wtf I am shy and awkward and all that too, but even I don't think the idea of introducing myself to an elderly neighbor lady is as wild crazy and likely to happen as making a wrong turn in Connecticut, ending up in India, and being eaten by a tiger.
Chapter 2
This is probably the most epic chapter 2 ever, if only for the opening line "'Order in the club!' said Jessi Ramsey, holding up a Cheez Doodle." That's pretty damn ballsy, I don't even think Abby ever tried to high-jack a meeting like that. Kristy shoots lasers out of her eyes at Jessi, and calls the meeting to order herself.
Run for your lives, MA just said Kristy would make a good President of the US someday. Stacey thinks of Stoneybrook as the country because she is from **New York** ummm I'm from Wisconsin, but I think you live in the country too if you have a barn in your yard and your neighbor has a fucking farm with goats. (I'm from Milwaukee though, and one of my biggest pet peeves are East Coast and California people who think the entire Midwest is farms and towns with a population of 500. The Midwest has cities, tyvm. I don't think I've ever even been on a farm.)
I realized part of what is so annoying about the "Jessi and Mal are sooo alike but also sooooo different, one is black and one is white!!!!!!11!" I think it's the fact that Jessi's race is always brought up in the compare and contrast her and Mal section, but Claudia and Stacey are never written like "Claudia and Stacey are alike because they dress cool, but they are also different because Claudia is Asian, but we love her anyway!!" Not that I'm saying they should have written it like that, but it's weird how Claudia being Asian is described as casually as Dawn's blonde hair, but Jessi's race always gets the fanfare and trumpets. Although Nola did a decent job with Jessi's description "she has dark brown skin, brown eyes, and doesn't wear glasses or braces."
I am spending way too much time on a chapter where virtually nothing happens. Kristy tells MA to just knock on Mrs. Towne's door, she says no, then Claudia, who generally has better ideas than Kristy suggests just calling her, and MA agrees to that.
WTF KRISTY. "Hello, Mrs. Pike. No, I'm sorry, I don't know if Mal is free then, but of course we have a number of other baby-sitters who might be available Thursday if she isn't. Yes, I know it's a two-person sitting job. Okay, I'll call you right back." Why on earth is she speaking that formally to Mrs. Fucking Pike? The woman and her husband single handedly keep the club in business and their daughter is a member, I think they know how it's run.
MA calls Mrs. Towne when she gets home, and gets invited over for tea the next afternoon. She goes to tell Dawn the news and hears the Beach Boys playing, which leads to hint dropping about Dawn missing California. This is the book before Dawn's Big Move, so that's pretty much the C plot of this book. This is also where my rage blackout begins:
MA: Hey, it's summer in Stoneybrook! Nice and hot, not too far from the beach.
Dawn: It's warmer. But I wouldn't call it hot.
Okay, so we have established it's the beginning of summer vacation, so probably around mid-June. I just googled, average June temperature for Stamford is 81 degrees. Average June temperature for Anaheim (Dawn lives by Disneyland, right?) 81 degrees. Does Ann not understand weather? If anything shouldn't CT actually feel hotter in the summers because it's more humid? (That's just a guess, I have a friend in Phoenix and she visits relatives in Michigan in the summer sometimes and she says 90 in Michigan feels worse than 100 in Phoenix. But I don't know anything about humidity in CT or in Dawn's part of CA.)
Chapter 3
MA is at Mrs. Towne's door, being all socially awkward and stuff. Mrs. Towne has short white hair that looks punk in an old lady sort of way. Mrs. Towne offers Mary Anne some tea, and MA thinks about how southern Logan drinks iced tea all the time, and Dawn drinks hot herb tea, but MA acts like she's never had it before, but I feel like she probably did with Mimi dozens of times. She feigns like she is a tea expert though and they sip some chamomile.
Mrs. Towne (I'm tired of typing that so I am deciding her first name is Mavis) tells Mary Anne that when she was a girl her grandmother sewed all her clothes for her by hand. MA is a little nervous to admit to using a sewing machine, but Mavis smiles and says she uses machines now too.
The teapot is wearing a tea cozy, and every time I read the words tea cozy I think of Dobby wearing one as a hat. Hmm maybe if Hermione popped up and taught MA to make elf hats this story would get more interesting. Anyway, Mavis the Squib shows MA some awesome quilts, and then her badass super workroom, which MA practically orgasms at the sight of. Mavis teaches her some things, and then MA asks if she can pay for lessons, and they arrange for her to come over again on Saturday.
A few days later she takes the 4 little Pikes to visit that damn goat and they run into Mavis on their way back. Mavis is clearly a crazy person, because she invites them all inside. I bet Margo barfed all over half the quilts. Supposedly Nicky was super interested in the quilts and asked lots of questions about them, while Vanessa composed sonnets in her head about Log Cabin patterns.
The chapter ends with MA getting tinglies as she comes up with what she claims is a Kristy-caliber idea.
Chapter 4
Saturday comes and MA stresses over what to pack in her sewing bag, and she finally decides on just the basics. She rings Mavis's doorbell, but there's no answer. She checks the back garden and it's empty. The front door is open though, with the screen door unlocked, so MA thinks Mavis must be home, and opens the door calling for her, and then finds Mavis on the kitchen floor with her foot turned at a bad angle.
MA calls 911, then covers Mavis with a blanket and calls her dad. The paramedics take Mavis to the hospital and MA and Richard follow. Mavis has a broken ankle, MA promises to visit her again soon, and then she vows to be as helpful to Mavis as she can.
I'm going to have to wrap it up here for the night, it's late.
Cover:
Mary Anne looks like a modern Cinderella. I think those are the Arnold twins. I'm not really comfortable with the decision to draw Carolyn in a belly shirt, that's awkward. I'm loving the fruit paintings in the kitchen though.
Chapter 1
"Happy families are all alike." Well we all know Lerangis likes to begin his books with onomatopoeia, I guess Nola Thacker likes to begin hers by quoting Russian Literature. Mary Anne quickly assures us that she hasn't had time to read Tolstoy between baby-sitting and making googly eyes at Logan; she just heard it from Janine the real live genius. Anyway, MA is thinking of this quote as she eats breakfast on a sunny SUMMER Saturday (emphasis on the summer part, it will be part of my up coming rage blackouts). Dawn is eating healthy food, Richard is eating his food obsessive compulsively, MA is pigging out, and Sharon is eating a bagel with a side of pantyhose, so pretty much the usual.
Mary Anne agonizes that her family isn't like others so maybe they aren't happy and ugh I am so sick of all their openings of omg my family is so wild and crazy! Your widowed father getting remarried and gaining 2 stepkids isn't confusing, or even interesting.
Wtf Mary Anne is running late for a job with the Arnolds as Dawn offers to wash her plate and MA fawns for 2 paragraphs about how amazing that is and she hopes she would have done the same. It's one fucking dish, not clean up after Thanksgiving dinner. If you aren't willing to wash a couple dishes for a family member you really are a bitch.
MA gets to the Arnolds and they decide to go exploring and Marilyn worries they might get lost like Columbus did. Mary Anne resists the urge to call her a moron and just assures her they aren't trying to find India, just the Stones' farm, so they should be alright.
They walk, Musical Marilyn can apparently identify birds just by hearing their songs. They play with the stupid goat, which does sound really cute, but Elvira was in the last book I snarked too, and I am sick of her. Mrs. Stone tells MA about Mrs. Towne, the neighborhood gardening and sewing guru and says MA should introduce herself sometime.
As they walk home the girls concoct wild scenarios to tell their mother, such as getting attacked by rattle snakes in the desert. Mary Anne half listens to them as she fantasizes ways to meet Mrs. Towne. Actual quote "I laughed at the wild scenarios they concocted. But I have to admit, I concocted some almost as wild and just as unlikely myself--for meeting Mrs. Towne." Wtf I am shy and awkward and all that too, but even I don't think the idea of introducing myself to an elderly neighbor lady is as wild crazy and likely to happen as making a wrong turn in Connecticut, ending up in India, and being eaten by a tiger.
Chapter 2
This is probably the most epic chapter 2 ever, if only for the opening line "'Order in the club!' said Jessi Ramsey, holding up a Cheez Doodle." That's pretty damn ballsy, I don't even think Abby ever tried to high-jack a meeting like that. Kristy shoots lasers out of her eyes at Jessi, and calls the meeting to order herself.
Run for your lives, MA just said Kristy would make a good President of the US someday. Stacey thinks of Stoneybrook as the country because she is from **New York** ummm I'm from Wisconsin, but I think you live in the country too if you have a barn in your yard and your neighbor has a fucking farm with goats. (I'm from Milwaukee though, and one of my biggest pet peeves are East Coast and California people who think the entire Midwest is farms and towns with a population of 500. The Midwest has cities, tyvm. I don't think I've ever even been on a farm.)
I realized part of what is so annoying about the "Jessi and Mal are sooo alike but also sooooo different, one is black and one is white!!!!!!11!" I think it's the fact that Jessi's race is always brought up in the compare and contrast her and Mal section, but Claudia and Stacey are never written like "Claudia and Stacey are alike because they dress cool, but they are also different because Claudia is Asian, but we love her anyway!!" Not that I'm saying they should have written it like that, but it's weird how Claudia being Asian is described as casually as Dawn's blonde hair, but Jessi's race always gets the fanfare and trumpets. Although Nola did a decent job with Jessi's description "she has dark brown skin, brown eyes, and doesn't wear glasses or braces."
I am spending way too much time on a chapter where virtually nothing happens. Kristy tells MA to just knock on Mrs. Towne's door, she says no, then Claudia, who generally has better ideas than Kristy suggests just calling her, and MA agrees to that.
WTF KRISTY. "Hello, Mrs. Pike. No, I'm sorry, I don't know if Mal is free then, but of course we have a number of other baby-sitters who might be available Thursday if she isn't. Yes, I know it's a two-person sitting job. Okay, I'll call you right back." Why on earth is she speaking that formally to Mrs. Fucking Pike? The woman and her husband single handedly keep the club in business and their daughter is a member, I think they know how it's run.
MA calls Mrs. Towne when she gets home, and gets invited over for tea the next afternoon. She goes to tell Dawn the news and hears the Beach Boys playing, which leads to hint dropping about Dawn missing California. This is the book before Dawn's Big Move, so that's pretty much the C plot of this book. This is also where my rage blackout begins:
MA: Hey, it's summer in Stoneybrook! Nice and hot, not too far from the beach.
Dawn: It's warmer. But I wouldn't call it hot.
Okay, so we have established it's the beginning of summer vacation, so probably around mid-June. I just googled, average June temperature for Stamford is 81 degrees. Average June temperature for Anaheim (Dawn lives by Disneyland, right?) 81 degrees. Does Ann not understand weather? If anything shouldn't CT actually feel hotter in the summers because it's more humid? (That's just a guess, I have a friend in Phoenix and she visits relatives in Michigan in the summer sometimes and she says 90 in Michigan feels worse than 100 in Phoenix. But I don't know anything about humidity in CT or in Dawn's part of CA.)
Chapter 3
MA is at Mrs. Towne's door, being all socially awkward and stuff. Mrs. Towne has short white hair that looks punk in an old lady sort of way. Mrs. Towne offers Mary Anne some tea, and MA thinks about how southern Logan drinks iced tea all the time, and Dawn drinks hot herb tea, but MA acts like she's never had it before, but I feel like she probably did with Mimi dozens of times. She feigns like she is a tea expert though and they sip some chamomile.
Mrs. Towne (I'm tired of typing that so I am deciding her first name is Mavis) tells Mary Anne that when she was a girl her grandmother sewed all her clothes for her by hand. MA is a little nervous to admit to using a sewing machine, but Mavis smiles and says she uses machines now too.
The teapot is wearing a tea cozy, and every time I read the words tea cozy I think of Dobby wearing one as a hat. Hmm maybe if Hermione popped up and taught MA to make elf hats this story would get more interesting. Anyway, Mavis the Squib shows MA some awesome quilts, and then her badass super workroom, which MA practically orgasms at the sight of. Mavis teaches her some things, and then MA asks if she can pay for lessons, and they arrange for her to come over again on Saturday.
A few days later she takes the 4 little Pikes to visit that damn goat and they run into Mavis on their way back. Mavis is clearly a crazy person, because she invites them all inside. I bet Margo barfed all over half the quilts. Supposedly Nicky was super interested in the quilts and asked lots of questions about them, while Vanessa composed sonnets in her head about Log Cabin patterns.
The chapter ends with MA getting tinglies as she comes up with what she claims is a Kristy-caliber idea.
Chapter 4
Saturday comes and MA stresses over what to pack in her sewing bag, and she finally decides on just the basics. She rings Mavis's doorbell, but there's no answer. She checks the back garden and it's empty. The front door is open though, with the screen door unlocked, so MA thinks Mavis must be home, and opens the door calling for her, and then finds Mavis on the kitchen floor with her foot turned at a bad angle.
MA calls 911, then covers Mavis with a blanket and calls her dad. The paramedics take Mavis to the hospital and MA and Richard follow. Mavis has a broken ankle, MA promises to visit her again soon, and then she vows to be as helpful to Mavis as she can.
I'm going to have to wrap it up here for the night, it's late.