#111 Stacey's Secret Friend Part One
Hello, I'm a glutton for punishment. I remember hating this book the first time I read it, and now I'm reading it again for fun. I've gotten through the first five chapters, and I'm already so pissed I want to sneak into Stacey's house and switch out her insulin for corn syrup. But why should I suffer alone? Let's dive in together!
Chapter one! "I stared into a pair of intense green eyes. They stared back at me, their gaze fixed and unwavering-- kind of spooky." This is the second BSC book I've snared that has started out with something that sounds like it came from a very bad porno. But it turns out that Stacey is staring at the marble eyes of a papier mache jaguar. Stacey and her friend Barbara Hirsch, whom I suppose is the sister of Irv Hirsch from Book 65, are on the SMS Pep Squad, and they've just constructed a Papier Mache jaguar, the school's mascot. I don't know if this is the only time they've mentioned SMS having a mascot at all, and frankly I don't care to look it up. It was, of course, Claudia's idea to give the mascot two green glass marbles for eyes, and she's not even in the pep squad. No one is allowed to have a creative artistic idea except Claudia. Even though Stacey and Barbara, who have no artistic training, just managed to build a convincing jaguar out of paper and glue with only a little help from Claud, which is quite impressive.
Stacey exposits that this is the first time that Barbara has shown enthusiasm for anything since her best friend was killed by a drunk driver in that book I never read. Stacey admires the jaguar and Barbara's recovery at the same time, just before the jaguar is completely, utterly destroyed.
A young woman, who somehow has avoided detection up to this point, doesn't notice the lifesized jaguar and steps right into it. Then, attempting to free her foot, she falls forward and embeds her hand into its back. I don't know why she was trying to free her foot by leaning forward into the jaguar instead of away, but that's the smallest of my questions right now. How does anyone fail to see an entire jaguar?
The young woman apologizes profusely and very politely. Stacey notes that she has "a slightly odd way of speaking." Not an accent, but a musical quality to the way she stretches out her words. And for those of you who keen to keep track, the accent is obnoxious clue #1 to the shocking conclusion of this particular book.
Stacey hands the girl her large, black plastic Hipster glasses; the young woman explains that she didn't see the jaguar because she was polishing them. I wear glasses, and almost never polish them when I don't happen to be standing still. I don't know anyone in real life who polishes glasses while in motion. That's just asking for trouble. Still, I can't imagine being so intent on my glasses that I could possibly stumble right into a lifesized papier mache jungle beast while two people screamed at me to look out. There's no eye condition that will explain that to me. If someone screams "look out," I stop what I'm doing, including polishing my glasses, to see what's going on.
The young woman introduces herself as Tess Swinhart, and Stacey takes a good look at her. Tess is 5' 9'' and broad at the shoulders: "She wasn't fat, but she was a very large person." Which is apparently enough to make Stacey hate her. Tess's glasses, according to Stacey, are so ugly they make her face hard to notice, but from the glimpse of it Stacey had before Tess donned the Glasses of Doom, she saw that Tess had a slightly turned-up nose and a wide mouth. "An unusual face, but not bad looking." I can't think of anything unusual about it. I guess in Stonybrook everyone who doesn't have "creamy pale skin" or "year-round tans" or "exotic Asian features" is unusual. Tess is wearing a pink cardigan over a lacy white top with a Peter Pan collar, a pair of loose brown corduroys, and black boots. Stacey asides that "I couldn't help thinking that she must have been cleaning her glasses when she put that outfit together too. But I quickly pushed that mean thought aside," as if this makes her a very kindly person or something. The only thing I see wrong with Tess's glasses is the black boots/brown pants combo. Her outfits sound as sane and rational as Janine's.
Tess says she's "fairly good at art" and offers to help them put the jaguar back together tomorrow after school. Then she carries the unused papier mache bucket back to the art room with Barbara, so that Stacey won't be late for her BSC meeting. Stacey asides that she actually wasn't late for the meeting, but needed to get home and eat because she's a diabetic. I don't see why a veteran diabetic like Stacey wouldn't have some kind of low-carb snack in her purse at all times, just in case she's a little late getting home.
As Tess is walking away with the papier mache bucket, she bumps into Alan Gray and accidentally spills papier mache onto his shirt. She apologizes again and tries to wipe it up while Barbara and Stacey giggle. Alan is on the evil, rather than playful, side of his split personality for this book, so instead of making a joke he storms away.
Chapter two! At the meeting, Stacey tells Claudia about the ruined jaguar. Abby says that Tess is "so odd." Stacey points out Tess's slight accent, and Abby says "maybe she made up that odd way of speaking to go with the rest of her weird self."
Before the conversation can get any more offensive, we get the boilerplate. Suzanne Weyn actually makes an effort to be succinct with her character descriptions, so there's not too much to snark. However I do like when Stacey says that "Through all her emotional turmoil, [Mary Anne] never made a mistake in the club record book."
And, remarkably, Mallory is described as "pretty." I guess there's only allowed to be one unattractive buttmonkey per book, and in this one it had to be Tess.
Claudia, who in this book seems to be playing the role of the Only Sensible One, points out that a lot of people might think she's "strange" as well, due to her unique outfits. Abby jokes that Claud is strange, and then adds that "You look like you know what you're doing. Tess looks like she picks out her clothes in the dark, or as if her closet exploded and some of the clothes just happened to land on her."
Mallory interrupts the seething hate-fest to ask if anyone's noticed anything strange about her brother Nicky lately. He always seems to be having secret meetings and phone conversations with Jackie Rodowsky. The babysitters resolve in their creepy intrusive way to investigate.
"Good," says Mal. "I'm dying to know."
Chapter three! Stacey stares agape at Tess walking down the school hallway in "a hot pink sweat outfit with frilly lace around the collar and sleeves." Which, granted, sounds hideous, but it would go unnoticed next to the Human Sunset outfit in Book 71, or the Miss Frizzle outfit, or the pink dress, ballet flats and palm tree earring combo, or any number of things Claudia's sported. Stacey explains why this outfit offends her: "Her large size, compared with the heavy black-rimmed glasses, made the outfit look... wrong. Way wrong." There you have it, impressionable children: it is only okay to dress quirkily if you're skinny and gorgeous. No other body type is allowed to express itself through silly clothes.
Tess cheerfully says she can't wait to see Stacey in the afternoon to fix the "poor creature."
Alan asks if Tess was referring to her.
Stacey tries to dismiss Alan and mentions Tess's full name. Alan immediately starts making jokes about "Swine-heart the destroyer," and planning a comic book where "Swine-heart" faces the X-men. Stacey asides that "Lame as it was, [Alan's joke] did have a point." Tess DOES wear pink and have a turned-up nose, after all. Remember, children: jokes about a person's name are funny, but ONLY if the person isn't very attractive.
Later, in class, Cokie passes Stacey a badly drawn comic strip Alan has apparently put together, all about Swine-heart as a piglet. Stacey writes "this isn't funny" on it and passes it back. The comic goes all around the classroom.
Tess shows up in Stacey's English class, saying she was in Remedial English but was recently transferred. Stacey asks why she was in Remedial English, and Tess says "Because my old school is--" and then gets cut off. This serves as Obnoxious Clue #2.
The teacher clears his throat and begins a lecture on Chaucer. Stacey complains that she doesn't like Chaucer because The Canterbury Tales is "About different people telling stories-- not exactly fascinating stuff." Um, which BSC book is NOT about different people telling stories? Come to think of it, which work of fiction is not a person telling a story? That's what books are. Stories, told by a narrator of some sort. It's like saying you don't like pickles because they're "a kind of food served at meals or snacks-- not exactly fascinating stuff."
While I'm on the subject... isn't it a little too ambitious for an eighth grade class to be studying The Canterbury Tales in the original Middle English? In college, as an English major, I studied it in translation. It was the first exposure for most of us. And again, while I'm on the subject: isn't The Canterbury Tales a little... raunchy for eighth graders? Wouldn't Stacey like something like that? Great, now I'm imagining a mashup with Stacey as the Wife of Bath, prim Mary Anne as the Prioress, Kristy as the Miller, Claudia the Host, Mallory the Squire, Jessi the Yeoman (stretching a little for that one), and Abby as... I don't know, the Franklin? Someone else weigh in on this.
After lecturing on the Canterbury Tales, the teacher turns back into an eighth-grade teacher and tells the students they must partner up for a project about "any aspect of medieval culture."
Tess partners eagerly with Stacey, and asks if they can do a project on castles.
"I know a lot about castles," she says. "A whole lot. We can build one." Obnoxious Clue #3.
Tess says this is going to be "a blast. I adore the Middle Ages."
Stacey, who goes on to join the Mathletes, snots about how unusual it is to "adore the Middle Ages."
Chapter four! After school, Stacey meets up with Tess, who is talking to a gentleman named Clarence King. Clarence keeps referring to her as "Babe." Tess appreciates the attention and is oblivious to the pig joke, but admits later that it's not "very politically correct."
Stacey decides not to tell Tess what's going on, in the hope that it will all blow over in a day or two.
In the cafeteria, Tess proves herself to be very useful when she pulls out a roll of wire mesh to cover the frame and make Mr. Jaguar sturdier. She says she bought it and the wire cutters herself; after wrecking the jaguar it's "the least I could do."
Tess tells a story about her excellent art class at her old school, where all the students carved wooden ducks and let them loose on the river. Stacey asks if her old school was so close to a river, and she says "Yes, it was one block away from the--" Obnoxious Clue #4
Stacey suddenly feels very, very sorry for Tess, and I'll let her explain why in her own words: "She wasn't so bad. In fact, she was pretty nice. She just needed some smoothing out. A few fashion tips wouldn't hurt either."
Riiiiiight... so far, Tess has accidentally stepped on an art project, apologized several times, paid for art supplies and offered free labor to fix the thing, offered an idea for a project, been polite to everyone, enjoyed a subject in school and worn unusual clothing. She's essentially an oversized, more lucid Claudia, Stacey, and you love Claudia so much you tried to turn her gay in Book 71. I kind of hate Stacey.
As the three work on their jaguar, Stacey decides to drop a "subtle fashion hint" to Tess. She starts asking Barbara if she knows where kids can buy contact lenses, since her friend Mallory Pike hates her glasses and wants a contact lens prescription.
Tess doesn't take the hint; instead, she concentrates on the art project like a sane and rational human being.
Stacey is discouraged; she decides she'll have to be "more direct."
The next day, there are Swine-heart jokes all over SMS. Stacey sees that someone's written "Hi, Petunia!" on Tess's locker with washable marker. She can't bear the thought of Tess seeing it, so she tries to wash it off.
Tess arrives and again, doesn't get a pop culture reference. Obnoxious Clue #5. Are we getting the idea that Tess isn't from around here, Stacey? No? Alrighy, then. Tess honestly thinks that the message is for a previous locker-owner named Petunia. Stacey looks Tess over for the first time, and finds that she's wearing "A bright pink, yellow and red plaid pantsuit. It looked like something in an old disco movie from the 1970s."
Okay, so Tess is some kind of proto-hipster who could probably sear a retina at thirty paces. But she's still no worse than Claudia in any way, except that she's large.
Tess asks if Stacey likes her outfit, and Stacey has to mention that she can't get used to it.
Tess takes this as a compliment. She invites Stacey over to her house to study that afternoon.
Stacey realizes this is a perfect opportunity to force a makeover on Tess; she says it will be easier if Tess comes to her house instead. Poor unwitting Tess agrees.
Chapter five! A babysitting chapter, and a Claudia one. I'll let her tell you about it in her own words straight from the notebook: "Mallory is defanately right. Sumthing is going on with her bruther. He is acting like a secrut ajent on a mishon. Jackie R. is being odd also. Wut culd they be up to?" By this point in the series, Claudia's basically a vegetable, in case you haven't noticed.
Claudia shows up at the Rodowskys' house. The boys try to greet her by singing in harmony, but Archie isn't quite able.
Jackie jumps over the sofa all of a sudden before his mother comes in.
Mrs. R. can't find her new "cellular phone;" it turns out to be in Jackie's backpack. He admits to taking it to school in case of a tornado. Mrs. R. chides him gently, and leaves.
Nicky comes over almost immediately; he and Jackie go out to the yard alone.
Claudia sits on the couch to play video games with Shea and Archie. No word on why this is okay when TV for sitters is a mortal sin. When she goes to check on Jackie and Nicky, she finds them practicing Martial Arts. Later, she sees them climbing on top of the shed. She runs to stop them, but when she gets to the shed they've disappeared and won't answer her calls. Finally she finds them in a tree, practicing "invisibility."
That's all for now. Next time: more cruel body shaming! It's fun for the whole family!
Chapter one! "I stared into a pair of intense green eyes. They stared back at me, their gaze fixed and unwavering-- kind of spooky." This is the second BSC book I've snared that has started out with something that sounds like it came from a very bad porno. But it turns out that Stacey is staring at the marble eyes of a papier mache jaguar. Stacey and her friend Barbara Hirsch, whom I suppose is the sister of Irv Hirsch from Book 65, are on the SMS Pep Squad, and they've just constructed a Papier Mache jaguar, the school's mascot. I don't know if this is the only time they've mentioned SMS having a mascot at all, and frankly I don't care to look it up. It was, of course, Claudia's idea to give the mascot two green glass marbles for eyes, and she's not even in the pep squad. No one is allowed to have a creative artistic idea except Claudia. Even though Stacey and Barbara, who have no artistic training, just managed to build a convincing jaguar out of paper and glue with only a little help from Claud, which is quite impressive.
Stacey exposits that this is the first time that Barbara has shown enthusiasm for anything since her best friend was killed by a drunk driver in that book I never read. Stacey admires the jaguar and Barbara's recovery at the same time, just before the jaguar is completely, utterly destroyed.
A young woman, who somehow has avoided detection up to this point, doesn't notice the lifesized jaguar and steps right into it. Then, attempting to free her foot, she falls forward and embeds her hand into its back. I don't know why she was trying to free her foot by leaning forward into the jaguar instead of away, but that's the smallest of my questions right now. How does anyone fail to see an entire jaguar?
The young woman apologizes profusely and very politely. Stacey notes that she has "a slightly odd way of speaking." Not an accent, but a musical quality to the way she stretches out her words. And for those of you who keen to keep track, the accent is obnoxious clue #1 to the shocking conclusion of this particular book.
Stacey hands the girl her large, black plastic Hipster glasses; the young woman explains that she didn't see the jaguar because she was polishing them. I wear glasses, and almost never polish them when I don't happen to be standing still. I don't know anyone in real life who polishes glasses while in motion. That's just asking for trouble. Still, I can't imagine being so intent on my glasses that I could possibly stumble right into a lifesized papier mache jungle beast while two people screamed at me to look out. There's no eye condition that will explain that to me. If someone screams "look out," I stop what I'm doing, including polishing my glasses, to see what's going on.
The young woman introduces herself as Tess Swinhart, and Stacey takes a good look at her. Tess is 5' 9'' and broad at the shoulders: "She wasn't fat, but she was a very large person." Which is apparently enough to make Stacey hate her. Tess's glasses, according to Stacey, are so ugly they make her face hard to notice, but from the glimpse of it Stacey had before Tess donned the Glasses of Doom, she saw that Tess had a slightly turned-up nose and a wide mouth. "An unusual face, but not bad looking." I can't think of anything unusual about it. I guess in Stonybrook everyone who doesn't have "creamy pale skin" or "year-round tans" or "exotic Asian features" is unusual. Tess is wearing a pink cardigan over a lacy white top with a Peter Pan collar, a pair of loose brown corduroys, and black boots. Stacey asides that "I couldn't help thinking that she must have been cleaning her glasses when she put that outfit together too. But I quickly pushed that mean thought aside," as if this makes her a very kindly person or something. The only thing I see wrong with Tess's glasses is the black boots/brown pants combo. Her outfits sound as sane and rational as Janine's.
Tess says she's "fairly good at art" and offers to help them put the jaguar back together tomorrow after school. Then she carries the unused papier mache bucket back to the art room with Barbara, so that Stacey won't be late for her BSC meeting. Stacey asides that she actually wasn't late for the meeting, but needed to get home and eat because she's a diabetic. I don't see why a veteran diabetic like Stacey wouldn't have some kind of low-carb snack in her purse at all times, just in case she's a little late getting home.
As Tess is walking away with the papier mache bucket, she bumps into Alan Gray and accidentally spills papier mache onto his shirt. She apologizes again and tries to wipe it up while Barbara and Stacey giggle. Alan is on the evil, rather than playful, side of his split personality for this book, so instead of making a joke he storms away.
Chapter two! At the meeting, Stacey tells Claudia about the ruined jaguar. Abby says that Tess is "so odd." Stacey points out Tess's slight accent, and Abby says "maybe she made up that odd way of speaking to go with the rest of her weird self."
Before the conversation can get any more offensive, we get the boilerplate. Suzanne Weyn actually makes an effort to be succinct with her character descriptions, so there's not too much to snark. However I do like when Stacey says that "Through all her emotional turmoil, [Mary Anne] never made a mistake in the club record book."
And, remarkably, Mallory is described as "pretty." I guess there's only allowed to be one unattractive buttmonkey per book, and in this one it had to be Tess.
Claudia, who in this book seems to be playing the role of the Only Sensible One, points out that a lot of people might think she's "strange" as well, due to her unique outfits. Abby jokes that Claud is strange, and then adds that "You look like you know what you're doing. Tess looks like she picks out her clothes in the dark, or as if her closet exploded and some of the clothes just happened to land on her."
Mallory interrupts the seething hate-fest to ask if anyone's noticed anything strange about her brother Nicky lately. He always seems to be having secret meetings and phone conversations with Jackie Rodowsky. The babysitters resolve in their creepy intrusive way to investigate.
"Good," says Mal. "I'm dying to know."
Chapter three! Stacey stares agape at Tess walking down the school hallway in "a hot pink sweat outfit with frilly lace around the collar and sleeves." Which, granted, sounds hideous, but it would go unnoticed next to the Human Sunset outfit in Book 71, or the Miss Frizzle outfit, or the pink dress, ballet flats and palm tree earring combo, or any number of things Claudia's sported. Stacey explains why this outfit offends her: "Her large size, compared with the heavy black-rimmed glasses, made the outfit look... wrong. Way wrong." There you have it, impressionable children: it is only okay to dress quirkily if you're skinny and gorgeous. No other body type is allowed to express itself through silly clothes.
Tess cheerfully says she can't wait to see Stacey in the afternoon to fix the "poor creature."
Alan asks if Tess was referring to her.
Stacey tries to dismiss Alan and mentions Tess's full name. Alan immediately starts making jokes about "Swine-heart the destroyer," and planning a comic book where "Swine-heart" faces the X-men. Stacey asides that "Lame as it was, [Alan's joke] did have a point." Tess DOES wear pink and have a turned-up nose, after all. Remember, children: jokes about a person's name are funny, but ONLY if the person isn't very attractive.
Later, in class, Cokie passes Stacey a badly drawn comic strip Alan has apparently put together, all about Swine-heart as a piglet. Stacey writes "this isn't funny" on it and passes it back. The comic goes all around the classroom.
Tess shows up in Stacey's English class, saying she was in Remedial English but was recently transferred. Stacey asks why she was in Remedial English, and Tess says "Because my old school is--" and then gets cut off. This serves as Obnoxious Clue #2.
The teacher clears his throat and begins a lecture on Chaucer. Stacey complains that she doesn't like Chaucer because The Canterbury Tales is "About different people telling stories-- not exactly fascinating stuff." Um, which BSC book is NOT about different people telling stories? Come to think of it, which work of fiction is not a person telling a story? That's what books are. Stories, told by a narrator of some sort. It's like saying you don't like pickles because they're "a kind of food served at meals or snacks-- not exactly fascinating stuff."
While I'm on the subject... isn't it a little too ambitious for an eighth grade class to be studying The Canterbury Tales in the original Middle English? In college, as an English major, I studied it in translation. It was the first exposure for most of us. And again, while I'm on the subject: isn't The Canterbury Tales a little... raunchy for eighth graders? Wouldn't Stacey like something like that? Great, now I'm imagining a mashup with Stacey as the Wife of Bath, prim Mary Anne as the Prioress, Kristy as the Miller, Claudia the Host, Mallory the Squire, Jessi the Yeoman (stretching a little for that one), and Abby as... I don't know, the Franklin? Someone else weigh in on this.
After lecturing on the Canterbury Tales, the teacher turns back into an eighth-grade teacher and tells the students they must partner up for a project about "any aspect of medieval culture."
Tess partners eagerly with Stacey, and asks if they can do a project on castles.
"I know a lot about castles," she says. "A whole lot. We can build one." Obnoxious Clue #3.
Tess says this is going to be "a blast. I adore the Middle Ages."
Stacey, who goes on to join the Mathletes, snots about how unusual it is to "adore the Middle Ages."
Chapter four! After school, Stacey meets up with Tess, who is talking to a gentleman named Clarence King. Clarence keeps referring to her as "Babe." Tess appreciates the attention and is oblivious to the pig joke, but admits later that it's not "very politically correct."
Stacey decides not to tell Tess what's going on, in the hope that it will all blow over in a day or two.
In the cafeteria, Tess proves herself to be very useful when she pulls out a roll of wire mesh to cover the frame and make Mr. Jaguar sturdier. She says she bought it and the wire cutters herself; after wrecking the jaguar it's "the least I could do."
Tess tells a story about her excellent art class at her old school, where all the students carved wooden ducks and let them loose on the river. Stacey asks if her old school was so close to a river, and she says "Yes, it was one block away from the--" Obnoxious Clue #4
Stacey suddenly feels very, very sorry for Tess, and I'll let her explain why in her own words: "She wasn't so bad. In fact, she was pretty nice. She just needed some smoothing out. A few fashion tips wouldn't hurt either."
Riiiiiight... so far, Tess has accidentally stepped on an art project, apologized several times, paid for art supplies and offered free labor to fix the thing, offered an idea for a project, been polite to everyone, enjoyed a subject in school and worn unusual clothing. She's essentially an oversized, more lucid Claudia, Stacey, and you love Claudia so much you tried to turn her gay in Book 71. I kind of hate Stacey.
As the three work on their jaguar, Stacey decides to drop a "subtle fashion hint" to Tess. She starts asking Barbara if she knows where kids can buy contact lenses, since her friend Mallory Pike hates her glasses and wants a contact lens prescription.
Tess doesn't take the hint; instead, she concentrates on the art project like a sane and rational human being.
Stacey is discouraged; she decides she'll have to be "more direct."
The next day, there are Swine-heart jokes all over SMS. Stacey sees that someone's written "Hi, Petunia!" on Tess's locker with washable marker. She can't bear the thought of Tess seeing it, so she tries to wash it off.
Tess arrives and again, doesn't get a pop culture reference. Obnoxious Clue #5. Are we getting the idea that Tess isn't from around here, Stacey? No? Alrighy, then. Tess honestly thinks that the message is for a previous locker-owner named Petunia. Stacey looks Tess over for the first time, and finds that she's wearing "A bright pink, yellow and red plaid pantsuit. It looked like something in an old disco movie from the 1970s."
Okay, so Tess is some kind of proto-hipster who could probably sear a retina at thirty paces. But she's still no worse than Claudia in any way, except that she's large.
Tess asks if Stacey likes her outfit, and Stacey has to mention that she can't get used to it.
Tess takes this as a compliment. She invites Stacey over to her house to study that afternoon.
Stacey realizes this is a perfect opportunity to force a makeover on Tess; she says it will be easier if Tess comes to her house instead. Poor unwitting Tess agrees.
Chapter five! A babysitting chapter, and a Claudia one. I'll let her tell you about it in her own words straight from the notebook: "Mallory is defanately right. Sumthing is going on with her bruther. He is acting like a secrut ajent on a mishon. Jackie R. is being odd also. Wut culd they be up to?" By this point in the series, Claudia's basically a vegetable, in case you haven't noticed.
Claudia shows up at the Rodowskys' house. The boys try to greet her by singing in harmony, but Archie isn't quite able.
Jackie jumps over the sofa all of a sudden before his mother comes in.
Mrs. R. can't find her new "cellular phone;" it turns out to be in Jackie's backpack. He admits to taking it to school in case of a tornado. Mrs. R. chides him gently, and leaves.
Nicky comes over almost immediately; he and Jackie go out to the yard alone.
Claudia sits on the couch to play video games with Shea and Archie. No word on why this is okay when TV for sitters is a mortal sin. When she goes to check on Jackie and Nicky, she finds them practicing Martial Arts. Later, she sees them climbing on top of the shed. She runs to stop them, but when she gets to the shed they've disappeared and won't answer her calls. Finally she finds them in a tree, practicing "invisibility."
That's all for now. Next time: more cruel body shaming! It's fun for the whole family!