Jessi and the Mystery of the Stolen Secrets
You guys, we made it. The last BSC TV episode. We've laughed, we've cried, but most of all...we've watched Jackie Rodowsky get the shit kicked out of him.
Man, I was so afraid this episode was going to be boring, but the second I clicked play, it faded in to the title screen, and I instantly scream-laughed so loud I heard my neighbor outside go, "What? What was that?" Because what could possibly sum up everything that the Baby-sitters Club - the club, the series, and the brand - is about than a sitter going, "Jackie, catch!" and then, instead of pitching him the softball like a normal person, deliberately lobbing it between his knees so he eats dirt trying to get it?
The Baby-sitters Club: We Hate Your Ginger Child.
A lot.
I guess this is the Krushers doing some damn thing, because everybody's getting in on the softball practicing fun. I don't know shit about softball and even I can tell that the batting stance Dawn is teaching Karen is horrific. She looks way more likely to hit herself in the knee than hit a ball even accidentally.
...Actually, never mind, that's a pretty good-looking swing.
The rest of the sitters variously hand out equipment, paint a "Beat the Bashers" sign, and try to shovel Jackie up off the ground. Wow, this is by far the least annoying theme song intro; why have I never seen it? It's raising the overall series rating up to, like, a 0, up from -6.
Once the music ends Claudia whips out some candy and Dawn makes some crack about her bringing carrot sticks. Jackie chirps, "My mom ate lots of carrots! That's why I have red hair!" It seems like the sitters were supposed to "awwww" at this, but they definitely say "ewwwww."
Jackie misunderstood what "I swallowed Carrot Top" meant.
Matt Braddock shows up and his mom kisses Jessi's ass a little about how wonderful it was that she learned to sign and taught some other kids too. Well, at least someone appreciates it. Although somebody who knows ASL should totally watch this episode and tell me if what they're saying matches the dialogue, because I would not put it past this production to have them signing complete gibberish.
Did you just say "funky buttlovin"?
Over on the field, Stacey is stroking Charlotte's hair in a semi-creepy way and kissing her ass about how nice her posters are. I know she's your favorite and all, but geez, Stacey, you don't have to hang on her every second. It's gross. Charlotte isn't even listening, though, because she's too busy ogling Buddy Barrett's ass. Stacey's all "oooooh Charlotte and Buddy" just as Matt comes over to retrieve a wayward ball. Gee, I wonder if the way she says this right where Matt could lip-read it will have anything to do with the titular "stolen secrets." Charlotte, panicked, says, "You didn't tell anybody, did you?!" But...you JUST told her about your crush. Literally right now. Who do you think she told while you were both standing right here. "Smart kid" my ass. Stacey assures her she didn't, but they're having this clandestine conversation so close to where Buddy and Matt are tossing the ball there's no way Buddy didn't overhear them.
And possibly Matt as well.
Kristy calls everybody to the bleachers to compliment them on their playing and then berate them for their lack of team spirit. Because who wouldn't feel good playing for this mess. Vanessa declares she has a new team cheer: "I've got one! One that's done! Fun and done! Written on the run!" Charlotte sarcastically asks if she ever doesn't rhyme and Vanessa just shrugs and sits down, so I don't...was that the cheer? What was she even saying? Am I high? Am I not high enough?
Jackie says he has a cheer: "Charlotte and Buddy sittin in a tree," etc. etc. Clever. Did you come up with those lyrics all by yourself? Charlotte looks horrified and runs off, followed by Stacey. "You TOOOLD!" she shrieks, and it's kinda sad because oh god I would have lit myself on fire if that had happened to me at eight, but for god's sake, who wrote this. Charlotte and Stacey have been together for the entire sixty seconds since Charlotte revealed her crush to Stacey; she could clearly see that Stacey did not tell anyone. They couldn't have made this a different scene just to make this NOT ASININE?
Back at Jessi's house, Jessi sets up Matt with a snack and his homework before answering the phone. "Hi Mrs. Masters! You're calling all the way from Hollywood? Wow!!!!" HOLY SHIT PHONE LINES THAT SPAN THE COUNTRY. Is it 1915 already? "Derek's going to be in Stoneybrook this weekend? Sure I'll sit for him!" Why are you repeating everything she says, Jessi. Why is this conversation anything but "Hi! Great! Sure! Goodbye!"? Could it possibly be the better for Matt to catch what you're saying? Instead of indicating that he overheard or overlipread or whatever, Matt merely asks her what her favorite sport is, for his essay. I can't believe she was physically capable of joking "Tickling!" instead of forcing him to attend a ballet recital.
Next scene: Claudia's room! She tears up the place mumbling about her lost candy or her dimebag or something. Holy crap, is that something contemporaneous I spy amongst the Nancy Drews?
ERMAGERD NERNCY DERW.
The other members muse about how their Kid-Kits are all out of shit as they come into the meeting. Stacey says she thinks the kids have been eating her stickers. Honey, that was Claudia. Anyway, the instant the clock ticks over to 5:30, Jessi rushes in apologizing and the phone rings with a job for the Hobarts. I've made a lot of fun about how stupid it is that the sitters get flogged for showing up one minute late, but it suddenly occurs to me that it's even worse that parents can't call one minute early. They're adults! They have lives! For all the "convenience" the BSC provides, I would never use them because I can't be arsed to sit around by my phone waiting for 5:30 on the dot. I'd forget, and then the next time I looked at the clock it would be 6:08, and I'd be like, "Fuck this shit, the kids can stay with Uncle Joe. He's only drunk, like, sixty percent of the time."
Jessi says she can't take the Hobart job; she's got a special job-with Derek Masters! Um, I thought K. Ron would beat the hell out of you if a parent called you at home to request you specifically, but everybody's way excited instead. They all yell "DEREK?!" but one at a time so it sounds like they're in a movie trailer for a tweener movie called "Derek Masters: Kid President" or something.
Tagline: "He's the Commander in Chief: Of Fun!"
Except when the Joint Chiefs of Staff don't let him win at badminton. Then heads roll.
And then Jessi, the hip First Baby-Sitter, has to teach him all about life and running a country while just being a kid and stuff. Actually, this is sort of starting to sound like the plot to First Kid. Did I ever tell you guys I totally saw the kid from that movie in a Steak n' Shake?
...God, what was I talking about. Did Vanessa's cheer damage my brain?
Oh, yeah, the meeting. Jessi says Derek's only in town for the weekend, and because Kristy has a moldy baseball for a head, she's like, "Well, we're gonna need him to play right field." Cause if his family is coming all the way home for one weekend only, they'll probably have tons of free time for your crappy pretend softball team, K. Ron. Jessi says he can't because Mrs. Masters doesn't want anybody knowing Derek is in town, what with the paparazzi and all. Gurl, Derek is like Stoneybrook C list. Does even he have his own sarcastically titled expose in People Magazine?
Anyway, they make a big deal about how they can't tell a soooul - Jessi can't even tell Becca, his biggest fan! I get that they don't want to call up reporters and tell them exactly where Derek is, but, like, why and how would his little eight-year-old friends call reporters on him anyway. What are his parents going to do, walk him around town with a bag on his head?
Claudia's like, "He's way famous now! Look at his magazine cover!" I hope their editor was fired for running a cover using a candid photo that appears to have been taken with a potato. Also for using a font that is VERY easy to misread if someone's hand is covering half of the word "Hollywood."
I swear at first glance I thought this said "Horny Pix."
Kristy says Karen has a crush on him too and Stacey's like, "Ugh, don't even mention crushes" because Charlotte is so pissed. Claudia's like, "She'll get over it eventually" and Stacey says seriously, "I'm not so sure." So...you honestly believe this will haunt her for the rest of her life? Is it time for a "Charlotte needs therapy" tag yet? Lordy. She asks Claudia to tell Jackie to stop being such a little shit to Charlotte when she sits for him (thank you, and why did no one do that at the softball game) and Jessi interrupts to tell everyone, again, that not one soooooul can know about Derek. Other than the six of you she just told, I guess. So he can't let HIS OWN friends know he's in town, but you can tell all of YOUR friends. Sure, that seems fair.
Next scene: At Derek's house! Jessi, reading through his latest script, doesn't get how he's supposed to play an invisible person. He says he just plays the character on set normally, then they remove him with "trick photography." But...why would they...why wouldn't they just....you know, no, that just explains so much about what the makers of this show actually knew about filmmaking.
They also know nothing about the books, because Derek has glasses even though he specifically doesn't wear glasses; his TV character does. He looks like a total dink. That's okay, kid. You're going to grow up into a stone-cold fox and have an actual career because you were smart enough to leave this role off your IMDb page. I saw Looper for you, you know. But not Deadgirl. I have limits.
Anyway, Jessi helps Future Sex God rehearse by playing his sister, who doesn't believe he can become invisible or something. They get to the part where he's supposed to disappear and he's like, "Duh, you're supposed to read the stage directions." Um, no, you're really not. But of course he hides while she's reading and puts on his "disguise" from the airport.
Because what could be less conspicuous than a small child on an airplane dressed in a Blues Brothers costume.
Jessi says it must be weird having people bothering him all the time and he says yeah; but he doesn't have to worry about that today, right, hint hint? But...the only people who live here are his friends and family and stuff. He'll put up with being pestered by strangers in LA but refuses to be "bothered" by speaking to people he knows? Wow, with that level of assholishness already I predict a rehab trip by twelve.
He wants to quit rehearsing and play ping-pong, hinting heavily again at not wanting to be bothered on his trip, but is interrupted by the doorbell. Jessi tries to answer it, but Derek gets there first, and oh my god it totally looks like that scene in Notting Hill where they answer the door to the paparazzi.
How did I look? Not bad, not at all bad. Well-chosen briefs, I'd say. Chicks love gray. Nice firm buttocks.
For such a famous kid who gets hounded by autograph-seekers and appears on magazine covers and has to wear a disguise at the airport and gets this kind of media attention just for visiting his own house, Derek handles this with no aplomb whatsoever.
This isn't what it looks like. She's my hooker. I mean my baby-sitter. I mean my hooker.
At school the next day, Jessi moans that she can't blame Mrs. Masters for being angry, but she really didn't tell anybody! Well, except for all those people she told. But they wouldn't tell anybody! Right, good logic. Stacey says something is fishy, what with these secrets nobody told getting out. Somebody must be spying on them! K. Ron's like, "That's it! I'm calling an emergency meeting of the Baby-sitters Club!"
At the emergency meeting, Dawn wastes no time declaring that Claudia's room might be bugged. Everybody's like "HOMG" and starts TEARING apart the room. I...what. WAT. Mal writes "don't talk" on a pad, because apparently if the room IS bugged, it's really important not to let the snooper know that you know. I can't. They finally find the bug, and if you know Claudia, you know how it's going down.
She chews, swallows, and finally smiles and says, "It's candy!" So she ate it before determining that it was food. This is why bugging Claudia's room would never work anyway. Your bug would definitely be eaten in the first hour, possibly unintentionally. Possibly if it was an actual bug.
Dawn rolls her eyes and says, "Guys, this room is not bugged," as if she isn't the one who suggested it was thirty seconds ago. I like that no one remembers that Charlotte's secret was revealed outside of Claudia's room anyway. She says someone could find out anything just by reading the club notebook, and Kristy hilariously is like, "Oh, fuck no, you're not getting out of writing in it that easily." But anyone could have access to it when they take it out of Claudia's room to use it! Based on when the secrets were revealed, I guess Stacey was jotting down notes about Charlotte's crush while standing there in the outfield and Jessi wrote about her job with Derek before she actually went on it. Are they actually, functionally slow?
Jessi admits that she left the notebook sitting on a table for a minute while she was looking something up at the library and they give her the most amazingly judgmental "you STUPID BITCH" look ever.
Do you KNOW what could happen in the blink of an eye to an unattended notebook?
Dawn also cops to leaving it on the bleachers during softball practice while she went to get ice cream. Dawn. Dawn went to get ice cream. It's like they DON'T EVEN HAVE their single personality trait anymore! Claudia says she had it while she was sitting for the Rodowskys too. They declare that this means at least three kids - Vanessa, Karen, and Jackie - have had access to the notebook in the past few days. "And they don't know that what's in this book is confidential!" Stacey declares. Well, that's because it's not. It's bone-crushing minutiae. If it was supposed to be confidential, why wouldn't you treat it that way from the start?
Kristy's all "MAH REPUTAAAAATION" and Dawn's like, "Fine, let's recreate each scene and see who snoops." And then? "Let the punishment fit the crime." What does that even mean, Dawn.
Next scene: At the library! Mal and Jessi try to goad Vanessa into snooping by hacking all over her disgustingly. Solid strategy. Mal's like "Uh, my black lung is acting up, need a drink" and Jessi's like "me too" and then they set the notebook really carefully on top of the book Vanessa's reading before walking away. Wow, subtle. They spy on her from behind a shelf to see if she reads the notebook, but she just looks at the cover, then hands it to a librarian to reshelve. Um. For reference, here is what the BSC notebook looks like.
Are both Vanessa and the librarian illiterate?
And then instead of just telling the librarian that's their personal notebook and not a library book, because she apparently didn't finish her library science degree or visit a library in elementary school, Mal and Jessi come tearing out and throw all the books off the poor woman's cart. What. The. Fuck. Vanessa's like "Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you."
Over at the softball field, Kristy's setting up Karen for the sting next. Kristy pitching! Karen and her Jeff Gillooly swing at bat! Oh, wait, have we got something to use for first base? Right here! Dawn waves the notebook. Seriously.
Because your better class of spy will stop running in the middle of a ball game to read first base.
Karen manages to hit a grounder without shattering her own patella and slides into the notebook. "This isn't a base," she says, picking it up with confusion. That Karen. You can see why she skipped a grade. They tell her it's the club notebook and it's veeeery private. Like a diary. Wink wink. Karen says she has a diary and she'd never be so fucking stupid as to bring it to the park. Or use it as a base in softball. And why doesn't it even have a lock, anyway? What if it got lost? What are they, idiots?
Finally, Claudia tries to catch Jackie by having him practice his coordination. By balancing the notebook on his head. I truly couldn't make this shit up. He's like, "What the hell kind of book is this anyway?" and tries to flip it open. They rip it out of his hands and tell him it's the club notebook, where they write about all the kids they sit for. But it's super private confidential!!!!
So very very private that you randomly bring it over to people's houses to perform tricks with.
Jackie's not particularly happy to hear that every time he has a baby-sitter she writes down everything he does and shares it with all her friends and he's not even allowed to see it. Put that way, actually, I agree with him. It is fairly creepy. He declares that he's going to tell all the other kids in town about this and stomps away. I hope the parents hear. I'd be a little weirded out that you were monitoring my child that way without telling me.
Next scene! Kristy, flanked by the other sitters, busts down Jessi's door chanting "kill the beast!" "Read this," she snaps, thrusting a newspaper at Jessi. Apparently Mrs. Prezzioso called and bawled Kristy out about respecting clients' privacy. HA, SNAP! I was hopeful for a second that she was referring to writing about their children in the club notebook and she'd written an angry letter to the editor about it or something, but it's just about Derek. And in case you thought the Stoneybrook News couldn't possibly get any more low-res, have a gander at this amazingly well-proofread headline.
"BabySitter denies Press access." Welp, I don't see a thing wrong with that!
They realize that everybody in town is talking and now they have hardly any jobs lined up. Really? Over this? I mean, even if Jessi did let it slip about Derek to somebody; she's eleven years old and he's a celebrity who should be reasonably trained to handle press, is this the end of the damn world? Jessi moans that they're only going to be sitting for their own siblings soon. Mal says "maybe not even that"; her brothers and sisters are really pissed about the notebook. HA HA HA look at Mal thinking her parents will stop using her as slave labor just because her siblings hate her. That's adorable.
Stacey wonders if they shouldn't just confront the kids directly about who's been blabbing secrets - why they didn't do that immediately will be forever lost to the sands of time and critical thinking - but Mal says whoever's doing it "probably doesn't understand how important and private the club notebook is." Uh, I've been reading this series for over twenty years and I don't understand how private the club notebook is. BECAUSE IT HAS NEVER BEEN PRIVATE. If you have all this ~*sensitive*~ information that could ruin you if it gets out (like the scandalous details of what cookies Marnie Barrett likes), maybe you shouldn't write it in a notebook that you randomly leave on softball bleachers and library tables and don't even label "confidential." Anyway, they decide to get the kids together tomorrow and talk to them, except Charlotte, who Stacey needs to talk to privately (saaaad music).
Next scene! Over at Charlotte's, the kid seems in decent spirits while giving her stuffed animals a tea party, until Stacey asks for some "tea" and Charlotte totally shafts her.
Bitch, I wouldn't serve you my air if you were suffocating.
Stacey's like, "Hey, I am your friend!" and Charlotte says, "Were my friend." She insists she doesn't have shit to say to Stacey. Stacey says she just made a mistake and Charlotte's like, "Ha, LIAR! You said you didn't tell!" Stacey says she didn't tell the other kids, but admits she wrote it in the club notebook. Charlotte's like, "you know, when I confide in you, that doesn't mean turn around and tell all your friends about it." HA YESSSSSS NAIL HER ASS TO THE WALL CHARLOTTE. Stacey just says, again, that she made a mistake, and Charlotte forgives her. Well, that went nowhere. I mean, it's not like she slipped up once, their club's entire MO is based on sitting around discussing other families' home lives at length, so, maybe they should explore the appropriateness of that.
Over at the Braddocks', Jessi and Matt are playing some janky off-brand Scrabble that looks like the one I used to have from Dollar General called Scrobble or something. In addition to blabbing people's secrets, it appears that Matt also scams people at board games.
Quage: To blatantly cheat at Scrobble.
Jessi asks what the hell kind of word "quage" is (answer: not one) but he just shrugs and shakes his head. Um...okay. But the doorbell rings then, saving him from having to explain and leaving me forever wondering what the hell that detail was supposed to be about.
Oh, it's just Dawn at the door with the notebook. I thought it might be Haley, wondering why nobody picked her up at that dentist appointment three days ago, because she's clearly still not home. Somebody else bangs on the door and Dawn's like, "ARGH SOMEBODY FOLLOWED ME HERE okay I need to cool it with the spy stuff," but it turns out to be the entire troop of angry kids demanding to read the BSC notebook. So she was right, she WAS followed, because how the hell else did they know to go to Matt's house.
The kids all start screaming about wanting to read the notebook and getting a cut of the publishing royalties when Jessi finally holds up the book and is like, "Cool it! Now who's been reading this shit?" Matt signs, "Who would want to read that?" Indeed. I feel like they should have asked themselves that question from the start and realized the answer is "Nobody." Jessi's like, "Well - hey wait how do you know what we're saying when nobody was signing anything?" Yes, he can read lips. I am snarking this as I watch it for the very first time and I caught that immediately, and I was intoxicated at the time. Fucking catch up, guys. Dawn is instantly like "HOMG OF COURSE HE'S THE ONE." It seems like she put those pieces together really quickly all of the sudden, considering they spent half this episode thinking people were reading stuff in the notebook before it was written down.
Jessi takes Matt aside for a Very Special Talk that she's glad he's learning to lip-read, "but when others move away to talk, it's so others can't hear them." Okay, I get that this is a cue he wouldn't necessarily have picked up on in his life, but that isn't what happened. In both cases, Matt was right there and they carried on talking as if he weren't. I'm not real up on my deaf etiquette, but it seems really fucking rude to not acknowledge someone's presence during a "private" conversation and then get angry that they had the gall to overhear it. Overread it. Whatever.
Oh my goooood, in the other room Dawn is seriously mollifying the kids by comparing the BSC records to doctors' records. I can't.
And remember, kids - you and your parents aren't allowed to see your own doctors' records either! It's the law!
Final scene oh my sweet dick I've finally finished the TV series I need a celebratory donut and a shot of absinthe: the sitters convene at a slumber party that evening to wrap up the mystery. Jessi reveals that Matt is learning to lip-read, and, like, I get this is good news, but girlfriend's bordering on deranged.
Maybe she, uh, misunderstood what "lip-read" means.
Kristy's like "Thank god now we don't have to learn any more sign language" and Jessi's like, "So how is Matt going to communicate with you, then?" Dumbass. Oh, and Derek's mom was "really nice" about what happened once Jessi explained it to her. Um, I hope she was "really nice" while she was fucking apologizing for refusing to believe you, yelling at you, and slandering you to your other clients.
Stacey's like, "What's up with Charlotte and Buddy, anyway?" Who cares? She's not missing out. You know what would happen the first time she was late serving his pretend tea.
You don't cross The Man of the House.
And for some reason, probably because she's had no lines in this episode despite being Jessi's best friend, Mal sits up and signs something. What did she say? "The Baby-sitters Club lives!"
I'm pretty sure it's "why the fuck am I the only sitter in the whole series who never got her own episode even though Dawn and Stacey got three each."
Jessi counters with the sign for "pillow fight," which is much less effective if someone has to translate it before you beat them upside the head, and we finally, blessedly, go to freeze frame amidst the screaming. Just like I imagine the series was always meant to.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go see if Derek Masters is available for my new movie, Kid President. Coming soon to a theater near you.
Rated NC-17.
Huge thanks to jessicarae729 for putting up this episode so I could snark it!
Man, I was so afraid this episode was going to be boring, but the second I clicked play, it faded in to the title screen, and I instantly scream-laughed so loud I heard my neighbor outside go, "What? What was that?" Because what could possibly sum up everything that the Baby-sitters Club - the club, the series, and the brand - is about than a sitter going, "Jackie, catch!" and then, instead of pitching him the softball like a normal person, deliberately lobbing it between his knees so he eats dirt trying to get it?
The Baby-sitters Club: We Hate Your Ginger Child.
A lot.
I guess this is the Krushers doing some damn thing, because everybody's getting in on the softball practicing fun. I don't know shit about softball and even I can tell that the batting stance Dawn is teaching Karen is horrific. She looks way more likely to hit herself in the knee than hit a ball even accidentally.
...Actually, never mind, that's a pretty good-looking swing.
The rest of the sitters variously hand out equipment, paint a "Beat the Bashers" sign, and try to shovel Jackie up off the ground. Wow, this is by far the least annoying theme song intro; why have I never seen it? It's raising the overall series rating up to, like, a 0, up from -6.
Once the music ends Claudia whips out some candy and Dawn makes some crack about her bringing carrot sticks. Jackie chirps, "My mom ate lots of carrots! That's why I have red hair!" It seems like the sitters were supposed to "awwww" at this, but they definitely say "ewwwww."
Jackie misunderstood what "I swallowed Carrot Top" meant.
Matt Braddock shows up and his mom kisses Jessi's ass a little about how wonderful it was that she learned to sign and taught some other kids too. Well, at least someone appreciates it. Although somebody who knows ASL should totally watch this episode and tell me if what they're saying matches the dialogue, because I would not put it past this production to have them signing complete gibberish.
Did you just say "funky buttlovin"?
Over on the field, Stacey is stroking Charlotte's hair in a semi-creepy way and kissing her ass about how nice her posters are. I know she's your favorite and all, but geez, Stacey, you don't have to hang on her every second. It's gross. Charlotte isn't even listening, though, because she's too busy ogling Buddy Barrett's ass. Stacey's all "oooooh Charlotte and Buddy" just as Matt comes over to retrieve a wayward ball. Gee, I wonder if the way she says this right where Matt could lip-read it will have anything to do with the titular "stolen secrets." Charlotte, panicked, says, "You didn't tell anybody, did you?!" But...you JUST told her about your crush. Literally right now. Who do you think she told while you were both standing right here. "Smart kid" my ass. Stacey assures her she didn't, but they're having this clandestine conversation so close to where Buddy and Matt are tossing the ball there's no way Buddy didn't overhear them.
And possibly Matt as well.
Kristy calls everybody to the bleachers to compliment them on their playing and then berate them for their lack of team spirit. Because who wouldn't feel good playing for this mess. Vanessa declares she has a new team cheer: "I've got one! One that's done! Fun and done! Written on the run!" Charlotte sarcastically asks if she ever doesn't rhyme and Vanessa just shrugs and sits down, so I don't...was that the cheer? What was she even saying? Am I high? Am I not high enough?
Jackie says he has a cheer: "Charlotte and Buddy sittin in a tree," etc. etc. Clever. Did you come up with those lyrics all by yourself? Charlotte looks horrified and runs off, followed by Stacey. "You TOOOLD!" she shrieks, and it's kinda sad because oh god I would have lit myself on fire if that had happened to me at eight, but for god's sake, who wrote this. Charlotte and Stacey have been together for the entire sixty seconds since Charlotte revealed her crush to Stacey; she could clearly see that Stacey did not tell anyone. They couldn't have made this a different scene just to make this NOT ASININE?
Back at Jessi's house, Jessi sets up Matt with a snack and his homework before answering the phone. "Hi Mrs. Masters! You're calling all the way from Hollywood? Wow!!!!" HOLY SHIT PHONE LINES THAT SPAN THE COUNTRY. Is it 1915 already? "Derek's going to be in Stoneybrook this weekend? Sure I'll sit for him!" Why are you repeating everything she says, Jessi. Why is this conversation anything but "Hi! Great! Sure! Goodbye!"? Could it possibly be the better for Matt to catch what you're saying? Instead of indicating that he overheard or overlipread or whatever, Matt merely asks her what her favorite sport is, for his essay. I can't believe she was physically capable of joking "Tickling!" instead of forcing him to attend a ballet recital.
Next scene: Claudia's room! She tears up the place mumbling about her lost candy or her dimebag or something. Holy crap, is that something contemporaneous I spy amongst the Nancy Drews?
ERMAGERD NERNCY DERW.
The other members muse about how their Kid-Kits are all out of shit as they come into the meeting. Stacey says she thinks the kids have been eating her stickers. Honey, that was Claudia. Anyway, the instant the clock ticks over to 5:30, Jessi rushes in apologizing and the phone rings with a job for the Hobarts. I've made a lot of fun about how stupid it is that the sitters get flogged for showing up one minute late, but it suddenly occurs to me that it's even worse that parents can't call one minute early. They're adults! They have lives! For all the "convenience" the BSC provides, I would never use them because I can't be arsed to sit around by my phone waiting for 5:30 on the dot. I'd forget, and then the next time I looked at the clock it would be 6:08, and I'd be like, "Fuck this shit, the kids can stay with Uncle Joe. He's only drunk, like, sixty percent of the time."
Jessi says she can't take the Hobart job; she's got a special job-with Derek Masters! Um, I thought K. Ron would beat the hell out of you if a parent called you at home to request you specifically, but everybody's way excited instead. They all yell "DEREK?!" but one at a time so it sounds like they're in a movie trailer for a tweener movie called "Derek Masters: Kid President" or something.
Tagline: "He's the Commander in Chief: Of Fun!"
Except when the Joint Chiefs of Staff don't let him win at badminton. Then heads roll.
And then Jessi, the hip First Baby-Sitter, has to teach him all about life and running a country while just being a kid and stuff. Actually, this is sort of starting to sound like the plot to First Kid. Did I ever tell you guys I totally saw the kid from that movie in a Steak n' Shake?
...God, what was I talking about. Did Vanessa's cheer damage my brain?
Oh, yeah, the meeting. Jessi says Derek's only in town for the weekend, and because Kristy has a moldy baseball for a head, she's like, "Well, we're gonna need him to play right field." Cause if his family is coming all the way home for one weekend only, they'll probably have tons of free time for your crappy pretend softball team, K. Ron. Jessi says he can't because Mrs. Masters doesn't want anybody knowing Derek is in town, what with the paparazzi and all. Gurl, Derek is like Stoneybrook C list. Does even he have his own sarcastically titled expose in People Magazine?
Anyway, they make a big deal about how they can't tell a soooul - Jessi can't even tell Becca, his biggest fan! I get that they don't want to call up reporters and tell them exactly where Derek is, but, like, why and how would his little eight-year-old friends call reporters on him anyway. What are his parents going to do, walk him around town with a bag on his head?
Claudia's like, "He's way famous now! Look at his magazine cover!" I hope their editor was fired for running a cover using a candid photo that appears to have been taken with a potato. Also for using a font that is VERY easy to misread if someone's hand is covering half of the word "Hollywood."
I swear at first glance I thought this said "Horny Pix."
Kristy says Karen has a crush on him too and Stacey's like, "Ugh, don't even mention crushes" because Charlotte is so pissed. Claudia's like, "She'll get over it eventually" and Stacey says seriously, "I'm not so sure." So...you honestly believe this will haunt her for the rest of her life? Is it time for a "Charlotte needs therapy" tag yet? Lordy. She asks Claudia to tell Jackie to stop being such a little shit to Charlotte when she sits for him (thank you, and why did no one do that at the softball game) and Jessi interrupts to tell everyone, again, that not one soooooul can know about Derek. Other than the six of you she just told, I guess. So he can't let HIS OWN friends know he's in town, but you can tell all of YOUR friends. Sure, that seems fair.
Next scene: At Derek's house! Jessi, reading through his latest script, doesn't get how he's supposed to play an invisible person. He says he just plays the character on set normally, then they remove him with "trick photography." But...why would they...why wouldn't they just....you know, no, that just explains so much about what the makers of this show actually knew about filmmaking.
They also know nothing about the books, because Derek has glasses even though he specifically doesn't wear glasses; his TV character does. He looks like a total dink. That's okay, kid. You're going to grow up into a stone-cold fox and have an actual career because you were smart enough to leave this role off your IMDb page. I saw Looper for you, you know. But not Deadgirl. I have limits.
Anyway, Jessi helps Future Sex God rehearse by playing his sister, who doesn't believe he can become invisible or something. They get to the part where he's supposed to disappear and he's like, "Duh, you're supposed to read the stage directions." Um, no, you're really not. But of course he hides while she's reading and puts on his "disguise" from the airport.
Because what could be less conspicuous than a small child on an airplane dressed in a Blues Brothers costume.
Jessi says it must be weird having people bothering him all the time and he says yeah; but he doesn't have to worry about that today, right, hint hint? But...the only people who live here are his friends and family and stuff. He'll put up with being pestered by strangers in LA but refuses to be "bothered" by speaking to people he knows? Wow, with that level of assholishness already I predict a rehab trip by twelve.
He wants to quit rehearsing and play ping-pong, hinting heavily again at not wanting to be bothered on his trip, but is interrupted by the doorbell. Jessi tries to answer it, but Derek gets there first, and oh my god it totally looks like that scene in Notting Hill where they answer the door to the paparazzi.
How did I look? Not bad, not at all bad. Well-chosen briefs, I'd say. Chicks love gray. Nice firm buttocks.
For such a famous kid who gets hounded by autograph-seekers and appears on magazine covers and has to wear a disguise at the airport and gets this kind of media attention just for visiting his own house, Derek handles this with no aplomb whatsoever.
This isn't what it looks like. She's my hooker. I mean my baby-sitter. I mean my hooker.
At school the next day, Jessi moans that she can't blame Mrs. Masters for being angry, but she really didn't tell anybody! Well, except for all those people she told. But they wouldn't tell anybody! Right, good logic. Stacey says something is fishy, what with these secrets nobody told getting out. Somebody must be spying on them! K. Ron's like, "That's it! I'm calling an emergency meeting of the Baby-sitters Club!"
At the emergency meeting, Dawn wastes no time declaring that Claudia's room might be bugged. Everybody's like "HOMG" and starts TEARING apart the room. I...what. WAT. Mal writes "don't talk" on a pad, because apparently if the room IS bugged, it's really important not to let the snooper know that you know. I can't. They finally find the bug, and if you know Claudia, you know how it's going down.
She chews, swallows, and finally smiles and says, "It's candy!" So she ate it before determining that it was food. This is why bugging Claudia's room would never work anyway. Your bug would definitely be eaten in the first hour, possibly unintentionally. Possibly if it was an actual bug.
Dawn rolls her eyes and says, "Guys, this room is not bugged," as if she isn't the one who suggested it was thirty seconds ago. I like that no one remembers that Charlotte's secret was revealed outside of Claudia's room anyway. She says someone could find out anything just by reading the club notebook, and Kristy hilariously is like, "Oh, fuck no, you're not getting out of writing in it that easily." But anyone could have access to it when they take it out of Claudia's room to use it! Based on when the secrets were revealed, I guess Stacey was jotting down notes about Charlotte's crush while standing there in the outfield and Jessi wrote about her job with Derek before she actually went on it. Are they actually, functionally slow?
Jessi admits that she left the notebook sitting on a table for a minute while she was looking something up at the library and they give her the most amazingly judgmental "you STUPID BITCH" look ever.
Do you KNOW what could happen in the blink of an eye to an unattended notebook?
Dawn also cops to leaving it on the bleachers during softball practice while she went to get ice cream. Dawn. Dawn went to get ice cream. It's like they DON'T EVEN HAVE their single personality trait anymore! Claudia says she had it while she was sitting for the Rodowskys too. They declare that this means at least three kids - Vanessa, Karen, and Jackie - have had access to the notebook in the past few days. "And they don't know that what's in this book is confidential!" Stacey declares. Well, that's because it's not. It's bone-crushing minutiae. If it was supposed to be confidential, why wouldn't you treat it that way from the start?
Kristy's all "MAH REPUTAAAAATION" and Dawn's like, "Fine, let's recreate each scene and see who snoops." And then? "Let the punishment fit the crime." What does that even mean, Dawn.
Next scene: At the library! Mal and Jessi try to goad Vanessa into snooping by hacking all over her disgustingly. Solid strategy. Mal's like "Uh, my black lung is acting up, need a drink" and Jessi's like "me too" and then they set the notebook really carefully on top of the book Vanessa's reading before walking away. Wow, subtle. They spy on her from behind a shelf to see if she reads the notebook, but she just looks at the cover, then hands it to a librarian to reshelve. Um. For reference, here is what the BSC notebook looks like.
Are both Vanessa and the librarian illiterate?
And then instead of just telling the librarian that's their personal notebook and not a library book, because she apparently didn't finish her library science degree or visit a library in elementary school, Mal and Jessi come tearing out and throw all the books off the poor woman's cart. What. The. Fuck. Vanessa's like "Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you."
Over at the softball field, Kristy's setting up Karen for the sting next. Kristy pitching! Karen and her Jeff Gillooly swing at bat! Oh, wait, have we got something to use for first base? Right here! Dawn waves the notebook. Seriously.
Because your better class of spy will stop running in the middle of a ball game to read first base.
Karen manages to hit a grounder without shattering her own patella and slides into the notebook. "This isn't a base," she says, picking it up with confusion. That Karen. You can see why she skipped a grade. They tell her it's the club notebook and it's veeeery private. Like a diary. Wink wink. Karen says she has a diary and she'd never be so fucking stupid as to bring it to the park. Or use it as a base in softball. And why doesn't it even have a lock, anyway? What if it got lost? What are they, idiots?
Finally, Claudia tries to catch Jackie by having him practice his coordination. By balancing the notebook on his head. I truly couldn't make this shit up. He's like, "What the hell kind of book is this anyway?" and tries to flip it open. They rip it out of his hands and tell him it's the club notebook, where they write about all the kids they sit for. But it's super private confidential!!!!
So very very private that you randomly bring it over to people's houses to perform tricks with.
Jackie's not particularly happy to hear that every time he has a baby-sitter she writes down everything he does and shares it with all her friends and he's not even allowed to see it. Put that way, actually, I agree with him. It is fairly creepy. He declares that he's going to tell all the other kids in town about this and stomps away. I hope the parents hear. I'd be a little weirded out that you were monitoring my child that way without telling me.
Next scene! Kristy, flanked by the other sitters, busts down Jessi's door chanting "kill the beast!" "Read this," she snaps, thrusting a newspaper at Jessi. Apparently Mrs. Prezzioso called and bawled Kristy out about respecting clients' privacy. HA, SNAP! I was hopeful for a second that she was referring to writing about their children in the club notebook and she'd written an angry letter to the editor about it or something, but it's just about Derek. And in case you thought the Stoneybrook News couldn't possibly get any more low-res, have a gander at this amazingly well-proofread headline.
"BabySitter denies Press access." Welp, I don't see a thing wrong with that!
They realize that everybody in town is talking and now they have hardly any jobs lined up. Really? Over this? I mean, even if Jessi did let it slip about Derek to somebody; she's eleven years old and he's a celebrity who should be reasonably trained to handle press, is this the end of the damn world? Jessi moans that they're only going to be sitting for their own siblings soon. Mal says "maybe not even that"; her brothers and sisters are really pissed about the notebook. HA HA HA look at Mal thinking her parents will stop using her as slave labor just because her siblings hate her. That's adorable.
Stacey wonders if they shouldn't just confront the kids directly about who's been blabbing secrets - why they didn't do that immediately will be forever lost to the sands of time and critical thinking - but Mal says whoever's doing it "probably doesn't understand how important and private the club notebook is." Uh, I've been reading this series for over twenty years and I don't understand how private the club notebook is. BECAUSE IT HAS NEVER BEEN PRIVATE. If you have all this ~*sensitive*~ information that could ruin you if it gets out (like the scandalous details of what cookies Marnie Barrett likes), maybe you shouldn't write it in a notebook that you randomly leave on softball bleachers and library tables and don't even label "confidential." Anyway, they decide to get the kids together tomorrow and talk to them, except Charlotte, who Stacey needs to talk to privately (saaaad music).
Next scene! Over at Charlotte's, the kid seems in decent spirits while giving her stuffed animals a tea party, until Stacey asks for some "tea" and Charlotte totally shafts her.
Bitch, I wouldn't serve you my air if you were suffocating.
Stacey's like, "Hey, I am your friend!" and Charlotte says, "Were my friend." She insists she doesn't have shit to say to Stacey. Stacey says she just made a mistake and Charlotte's like, "Ha, LIAR! You said you didn't tell!" Stacey says she didn't tell the other kids, but admits she wrote it in the club notebook. Charlotte's like, "you know, when I confide in you, that doesn't mean turn around and tell all your friends about it." HA YESSSSSS NAIL HER ASS TO THE WALL CHARLOTTE. Stacey just says, again, that she made a mistake, and Charlotte forgives her. Well, that went nowhere. I mean, it's not like she slipped up once, their club's entire MO is based on sitting around discussing other families' home lives at length, so, maybe they should explore the appropriateness of that.
Over at the Braddocks', Jessi and Matt are playing some janky off-brand Scrabble that looks like the one I used to have from Dollar General called Scrobble or something. In addition to blabbing people's secrets, it appears that Matt also scams people at board games.
Quage: To blatantly cheat at Scrobble.
Jessi asks what the hell kind of word "quage" is (answer: not one) but he just shrugs and shakes his head. Um...okay. But the doorbell rings then, saving him from having to explain and leaving me forever wondering what the hell that detail was supposed to be about.
Oh, it's just Dawn at the door with the notebook. I thought it might be Haley, wondering why nobody picked her up at that dentist appointment three days ago, because she's clearly still not home. Somebody else bangs on the door and Dawn's like, "ARGH SOMEBODY FOLLOWED ME HERE okay I need to cool it with the spy stuff," but it turns out to be the entire troop of angry kids demanding to read the BSC notebook. So she was right, she WAS followed, because how the hell else did they know to go to Matt's house.
The kids all start screaming about wanting to read the notebook and getting a cut of the publishing royalties when Jessi finally holds up the book and is like, "Cool it! Now who's been reading this shit?" Matt signs, "Who would want to read that?" Indeed. I feel like they should have asked themselves that question from the start and realized the answer is "Nobody." Jessi's like, "Well - hey wait how do you know what we're saying when nobody was signing anything?" Yes, he can read lips. I am snarking this as I watch it for the very first time and I caught that immediately, and I was intoxicated at the time. Fucking catch up, guys. Dawn is instantly like "HOMG OF COURSE HE'S THE ONE." It seems like she put those pieces together really quickly all of the sudden, considering they spent half this episode thinking people were reading stuff in the notebook before it was written down.
Jessi takes Matt aside for a Very Special Talk that she's glad he's learning to lip-read, "but when others move away to talk, it's so others can't hear them." Okay, I get that this is a cue he wouldn't necessarily have picked up on in his life, but that isn't what happened. In both cases, Matt was right there and they carried on talking as if he weren't. I'm not real up on my deaf etiquette, but it seems really fucking rude to not acknowledge someone's presence during a "private" conversation and then get angry that they had the gall to overhear it. Overread it. Whatever.
Oh my goooood, in the other room Dawn is seriously mollifying the kids by comparing the BSC records to doctors' records. I can't.
And remember, kids - you and your parents aren't allowed to see your own doctors' records either! It's the law!
Final scene oh my sweet dick I've finally finished the TV series I need a celebratory donut and a shot of absinthe: the sitters convene at a slumber party that evening to wrap up the mystery. Jessi reveals that Matt is learning to lip-read, and, like, I get this is good news, but girlfriend's bordering on deranged.
Maybe she, uh, misunderstood what "lip-read" means.
Kristy's like "Thank god now we don't have to learn any more sign language" and Jessi's like, "So how is Matt going to communicate with you, then?" Dumbass. Oh, and Derek's mom was "really nice" about what happened once Jessi explained it to her. Um, I hope she was "really nice" while she was fucking apologizing for refusing to believe you, yelling at you, and slandering you to your other clients.
Stacey's like, "What's up with Charlotte and Buddy, anyway?" Who cares? She's not missing out. You know what would happen the first time she was late serving his pretend tea.
You don't cross The Man of the House.
And for some reason, probably because she's had no lines in this episode despite being Jessi's best friend, Mal sits up and signs something. What did she say? "The Baby-sitters Club lives!"
I'm pretty sure it's "why the fuck am I the only sitter in the whole series who never got her own episode even though Dawn and Stacey got three each."
Jessi counters with the sign for "pillow fight," which is much less effective if someone has to translate it before you beat them upside the head, and we finally, blessedly, go to freeze frame amidst the screaming. Just like I imagine the series was always meant to.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go see if Derek Masters is available for my new movie, Kid President. Coming soon to a theater near you.
Rated NC-17.
Huge thanks to jessicarae729 for putting up this episode so I could snark it!