Get Well Soon Mallory, aka Not Until I Think Of Another Way To Ruin You Part Three
Part One
Part Two
Hello BSC Snark Community! I'm sorry that this next instalment of Get Well Soon Mallory is quite delayed, but been ridiculously busy working on stuff for my MA in Theatre Practice: Staging Shakespeare these last few months. Now I am on holiday! Hoorah! So time for snarking our beloved underdog, Mallory, who really needs to get a grasp on logic. See Parts One and Two for the first six chapters of Mal's torment.
7th Chapter
Mallory is still feeling ‘numb’ from her parents’ announcement that she cannot be in the Babysitters Club. Boohoo.Mallory has it all wrong in the previous chapter when she says ‘No more babysitting, or talent shows, or circuses in gardens, or group hikes. No more pizza parties. No more fun.’ Errr what about all the money that you will no longer be earning? What will you do without SPARKLES? The Pikes probably don’t even pay Mal to sit for her siblings when she is ill. Because they are horrible: Just read Mary Anne and Miss Priss - it makes you want to repeatedly smash plates.
This one is for Dee and this one is for John. (Not John Ramsey or John Kishi. John PIKE)
Also Mal, I’m surprised that you’re not more gutted about the fact that you can’t be on the archery team any more. Much groovier than babysitting:
Mal kicks ass at archery!
Ann is trying to convince us that Dee is an amaze-balls parent just because she can multi-task, by knowing where Nicky’s boot is, where Byron’s homework is, brushing Vanessa knot-tastic hair and preparing six lunch boxes with no help from her sprogs whatsoever (no lunch for Claire, as she comes home at lunchtime; she must have a bloody amazing time of peace and solitude before the hellions come home). Seriously none of Dee’s kids will help her prepare six lunches?! And of course Margo complains ‘I’m sick of tuna!’ Luckily it’s ‘ham and cheese day’ so Margo will not have to make other children suffer at the sight of tuna in reverse. The kids finally leave and Mama Pike sighs, ‘Another week has begun’. Yes another week has begun in which you can go to repeated emergency meetings at the library and buy lawn mowers at garage sales, while you leave your kids with girls who are convinced that they are authorities on child rearing. Bravo.
Anyhoo, Mal is devastated by the notion that she is not at school, where the walls (she imagines) are covered with pictures of turkeys … Hmm what a thing to feel ‘blue’ about. Mal murmurs to herself that at least she has her New York trip. Somewhere out there Ann has just peed herself with glee at the sound of New York.
Ann: 'My Big Apple-y Senses Are Tingling'
Mal pees herself with glee at the notion that she has a doctor’s appointment which means that she can go OUT. In PUBLIC! She can DRESS! You know … Mal you could have got dressed the entire time you’ve been ill. It’s not like you’ve been chained to the pyjamas that you previously threatened to burn. Mal squees over the sight of turkeys on sale. Of course. Dee scores points with a snarky comment: ‘You’ve really missed going out haven’t you?’ HA!
When Mal’s in a doctor’s waiting room she likes to read all the magazines that her mum never buys … hmm.
Mal ‘hates’ being cooped up at home and goes ballisticismus when Dr D purses her lips and says that a full recovery could take as long as three months, and that if she falls behind she can always go to summer school.
Mal’s head explodes at the thought of summer school and dramatically quivers ‘T-t-tell her I can’t. I won’t.’
Dr D says that her progress is going slowly. Of course it’s going slowly, it’s MAL. Plus it’s GLANDULAR FEVER! It takes time to recover from it!
According to Mal, her parents will likely never let her babysit again. Don’t worry dear, they will take full advantage of you and use you as an unpaid babysitter. It’s all good. Jessi assures her that the BSC will not replace her. URGHHHHHH! This is ridiculous. What is wrong with hiring someone new for the club, and perhaps not getting rid of them even when Mal comes back? Wasn’t that the purpose of the BSC? One call, a bazillion sitters?
I guess not
I feel deeply sorry for Mal as she muses that she isn’t being fair to the rest of the club and maybe they should replace her. Jessi doesn’t help matters by remarking: ‘Now that we’re two babysitters short, no one has very much spare time’. Passive aggressive much?
Jessi also vetoes Mal’s idea to put on a Thanksgiving Day entertainment for the residents of Stoneybrook Manor because allegedly they see entertainments all the time. Kristy demands ‘something more unusual’. Hmmm … something more unusual … Well Kristy could make snide descriptive comments about the residents’ food. Claudia could make everyone walking sticks made out of candy canes, chocolate wrappers and feathers. Mary Anne could cry. Jessi could be black. The possibilities are endless!
Mal actually scratches her head when she thinks. LICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thankfully Jessi hugs Mal and claims that she’s being awesome even though she’s stuck in bed. Maaaaaaaaaaal doesn’t see it that way.
8th Chapter
I need to lie down. I caught sight of Jessi’s handwriting. I’m terrified to look at it again.
Jesus. It’s the blandest notebook entry ever. I could have saved my vision from handwriting a la Jessi. Merci beaucoup.
Every time we hit a chapter involving Dawn and Mary Anne’s barn, I know boredom is inevitable. Except for Kristy and Dawn’s saucy adventure in Book 5.
Buddy jumps on Nicky’s head and isn’t reprimanded. He is just offered a comment from Jessi which makes her sound quadruple her age: ‘That’ll teach you to leap before you look.’ Then this is followed by Kristy saying ‘Are you ready to put your thinking caps on?’ and ‘Our hope is to bring a lot of happiness to people at Stoneybrook Manor’. This is sweet but my God Kristy does not sound 13. She sounds about fifty. And as if she is an overly enthusiastic Brownie Guide leader. Not that 13 year olds are incapable of being sweet, but it just doesn’t sound right. I think Ann forgets who her characters are half the time. Besides this is the same girl who would lift a clump of school lunch food, make snide gross-out remarks and make Mary Anne turn green, while wearing the same unwashed outfit for a month.
Mal’s idea of a car wash is vetoed on account of potential death from freezing weather. Perhaps Mal subconsciously did not want to be the only ill member of the BSC thus she would feel less guilty *gasp!*. Anyway of course her idea was vetoed. It’s a Mallory idea. Mallory ideas make Ann jump up in fright and go ‘Noooooooooooooooo! Anyone but Mallory! I admit that Kristy doesn’t always have the great ideas and I just humour her but seriously if Mallory’s ideas are accepted the series will be ruined!’ Then she goes to stare at a picture of New York to calm herself down.
All of the kids volunteer to give away their pocket money to pay for the gift baskets. Mary Anne almost bawls … again this is sweet but my God we have really fallen into a strange bubble where children would willingly give away their pocket money. Buddy protests that he does not to dress up as a turkey as his school is making him do that and he HATES it! So no turkey performers. Wow Mallory will be disappointed. Five-year-old Suzi is basically the genius who comes up with the idea for the Stoneybrook Manor Thanksgiving extravaganza: an indoor carnival. Because carnivals are FUN! Buddy initially argues that it’s a stupid idea: ‘Old people don’t want to play games or go to carnivals’ / ‘Why?’ / ‘Because … they’re old’
Mary Anne fortunately recognises that it’s an awesome-tastic idea and develops, while Kristy’s eyes ‘widen’ and she says ‘I get it’.
I get it
They start planning. It is dull. Very very dull.
Jessi makes a list of tasks for Mallory and Buddy makes Jessi jump like a frog the whole way home.
Good thing this hadn’t been released at that time. Otherwise Jessi may have called racism.
9th Chapter
Mal lacks logic. She believes that the only way to stay friends with the BSC is if she gets them to kick her out of the club and replace her.
Pardon?
I don’t understand … why … what???! How does that make sense? She attempts to justify this by claiming if she is letting them down by not being there because she is ill, they will hate her. Does it not cross her mind that getting them into a position where they want to kick her out of the club means that they will likely hate her more (Ooooh Ann will be pleased!)? Especially when we witness Mallory’s exact masterplan for Operation: Get Kicked Out of the BSC and They Will Love Me Again. It basically requires being a typical moody teenager.
Mal being a moody teenager is meant to be appalling to the BSC reader, but it is hilarious. Mal is rude to Claudia, Jessi, Mary Anne and Kristy on separate occasions.
‘I realised that this was my opportunity to show the BSC the mistake they’d made by keeping me in the club.’
Therefore we get golden lines like this:
‘Maybe I don’t feel like doing anything. I am ill you know.’
And my personal favourite, when Mary Anne and Kristy enter: ‘Oh it’s just you’
BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
Mal essentially tries to turn Claudia and Jessi against each other, by shit-stirring and pulling a ‘Mean Girls’ stunt, ‘suggesting’ that Claudia thinks Jessi is not doing enough work and that she wants to take over the project, and perhaps doesn’t like the idea of Jessi handing out tasks without her permission.
Jessi thinks you’re mad at her because she thinks that you think she’s doing f**k all for the project
So yes, Mal acts like she doesn’t give a shit about the project, just so they will kick her out of the club (and love her again … I think Mal’s logic could be the subject of an entire conference on psychiatry), and it certainly does wind people up. The trouble is … what if Mallory really did feel this way? She is not well, she has been hit hard by an unpleasant incredibly draining illness, and it’s bound to make anyone feel moody or upset or not quite themselves. What if she truly felt too drained to make calls, do baking and sew bean bags? Bloody hell that can be draining enough when you are well! Then you have Margo and Claire berating her for her behaviour towards Claudia and guilt-tripping their sick sister, saying ‘Gosh you were really mean to Claudia’, ‘We need people to make phone calls to supermarket owners … You’re just lying in bed’ (like supermarket owners would take an eleven year old’s voice seriously) and ‘Boy oh boy, I thought you were a nice person.’ Jesus why don’t the pair of you do a reprise of Mean Old Mallory the Ballet? Again this is seriously painful if Mal really did feel this way. I know it’s irrelevant because she does want to do these tasks, but seriously the Pikes, both parents and siblings expect so damn much from Mallory that it’s not healthy (Mallory on Strike showed absolutely frightening behaviour). Also the BSC, featuring Kristy tactlessly stating: ‘Gosh Mal, having glandular fever .has really changed you’ … all because she said that she was glad to be missing school.
[Kristy] said in a very cold, very final voice, ‘We won’t bother you anymore’. Sounds like something out of a psychological thriller.
But if you don’t make those bean bags for the carnival at Stoneybrook Manor, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.
Here is an extract from Mallory's inner monologue following Mary Anne and Kristy's departure: My plan had worked. Soon I would be getting a call telling me that I wasn’t needed in the club and would be replaced, and it would all be over. I’d never go to another BSC meeting. I’d probably never see any of the members again. And Jessi, who was my best friend in the whole world, would stop calling me too. I wanted to bury my head under the covers and stay there. Forever.
Calm down woman!
Not quite ‘I wish you’d get out of my life … FOREVER!’ a la Mary Anne, but my God this is so funny.
P.S. Don’t worry Mal, I’m sure you will see your beloved ‘members’ again. After all, what would the Pikes do? Who will raise their children when you’re not free?
Fortunately, the BSC figured out the meaning behind Operation: Get Kicked Out of the BSC and They Will Love Me Again, and basically call Mal to tell her that she’s being an idiot. Apparently they spent fifteen minutes arguing about everything Mal had said. I bet this is how they all looked when they figured it out (especially Claudia):
Apparently Kristy was ‘ready to replace [her]’ … bloody hell, a few moody remarks from an ill eleven year old pushed Kristy to that? Despite the gazillion things that Mal has done for the BSC? This just proves more and more the BSC’s lack of compassion. No family gangster protection here. It's as if Kristy is Marlo from The Wire forebodingly leading Mallory to a vacant boarded up house for simply saying ‘Go and find someone else to do your errands’.
‘Right. We won’t bother you anymore’
And that was the last time we saw Mallory Pike.
But no matter, they call her Operation: Get Kicked Out of the BSC and They Will Love Me Again selfless, but useless because they ‘love [her]!’ Stacey remarks, ‘No matter how ill you are, you can’t get rid of us’. Another line for the BSC psychological thriller.
No matter how ill you are, you can’t get rid of us
Mal is back to her perky, nerdy self, ready to man the phones, bake goods, and make bean bags. Woohoo.
That’s all for today! Tune in next time for Mal getting credit for an idea that isn’t even hers, more of Jessi sounding quadruple her age, and OMGWTFAGHHHH the Pikes’ trip to New York … may not happen. An individual NYC-loving tear trickles down Ann’s cheek as I type this.
Part Two
Hello BSC Snark Community! I'm sorry that this next instalment of Get Well Soon Mallory is quite delayed, but been ridiculously busy working on stuff for my MA in Theatre Practice: Staging Shakespeare these last few months. Now I am on holiday! Hoorah! So time for snarking our beloved underdog, Mallory, who really needs to get a grasp on logic. See Parts One and Two for the first six chapters of Mal's torment.
7th Chapter
Mallory is still feeling ‘numb’ from her parents’ announcement that she cannot be in the Babysitters Club. Boohoo.Mallory has it all wrong in the previous chapter when she says ‘No more babysitting, or talent shows, or circuses in gardens, or group hikes. No more pizza parties. No more fun.’ Errr what about all the money that you will no longer be earning? What will you do without SPARKLES? The Pikes probably don’t even pay Mal to sit for her siblings when she is ill. Because they are horrible: Just read Mary Anne and Miss Priss - it makes you want to repeatedly smash plates.
This one is for Dee and this one is for John. (Not John Ramsey or John Kishi. John PIKE)
Also Mal, I’m surprised that you’re not more gutted about the fact that you can’t be on the archery team any more. Much groovier than babysitting:
Mal kicks ass at archery!
Ann is trying to convince us that Dee is an amaze-balls parent just because she can multi-task, by knowing where Nicky’s boot is, where Byron’s homework is, brushing Vanessa knot-tastic hair and preparing six lunch boxes with no help from her sprogs whatsoever (no lunch for Claire, as she comes home at lunchtime; she must have a bloody amazing time of peace and solitude before the hellions come home). Seriously none of Dee’s kids will help her prepare six lunches?! And of course Margo complains ‘I’m sick of tuna!’ Luckily it’s ‘ham and cheese day’ so Margo will not have to make other children suffer at the sight of tuna in reverse. The kids finally leave and Mama Pike sighs, ‘Another week has begun’. Yes another week has begun in which you can go to repeated emergency meetings at the library and buy lawn mowers at garage sales, while you leave your kids with girls who are convinced that they are authorities on child rearing. Bravo.
Anyhoo, Mal is devastated by the notion that she is not at school, where the walls (she imagines) are covered with pictures of turkeys … Hmm what a thing to feel ‘blue’ about. Mal murmurs to herself that at least she has her New York trip. Somewhere out there Ann has just peed herself with glee at the sound of New York.
Ann: 'My Big Apple-y Senses Are Tingling'
Mal pees herself with glee at the notion that she has a doctor’s appointment which means that she can go OUT. In PUBLIC! She can DRESS! You know … Mal you could have got dressed the entire time you’ve been ill. It’s not like you’ve been chained to the pyjamas that you previously threatened to burn. Mal squees over the sight of turkeys on sale. Of course. Dee scores points with a snarky comment: ‘You’ve really missed going out haven’t you?’ HA!
When Mal’s in a doctor’s waiting room she likes to read all the magazines that her mum never buys … hmm.
Mal ‘hates’ being cooped up at home and goes ballisticismus when Dr D purses her lips and says that a full recovery could take as long as three months, and that if she falls behind she can always go to summer school.
Mal’s head explodes at the thought of summer school and dramatically quivers ‘T-t-tell her I can’t. I won’t.’
Dr D says that her progress is going slowly. Of course it’s going slowly, it’s MAL. Plus it’s GLANDULAR FEVER! It takes time to recover from it!
According to Mal, her parents will likely never let her babysit again. Don’t worry dear, they will take full advantage of you and use you as an unpaid babysitter. It’s all good. Jessi assures her that the BSC will not replace her. URGHHHHHH! This is ridiculous. What is wrong with hiring someone new for the club, and perhaps not getting rid of them even when Mal comes back? Wasn’t that the purpose of the BSC? One call, a bazillion sitters?
I guess not
I feel deeply sorry for Mal as she muses that she isn’t being fair to the rest of the club and maybe they should replace her. Jessi doesn’t help matters by remarking: ‘Now that we’re two babysitters short, no one has very much spare time’. Passive aggressive much?
Jessi also vetoes Mal’s idea to put on a Thanksgiving Day entertainment for the residents of Stoneybrook Manor because allegedly they see entertainments all the time. Kristy demands ‘something more unusual’. Hmmm … something more unusual … Well Kristy could make snide descriptive comments about the residents’ food. Claudia could make everyone walking sticks made out of candy canes, chocolate wrappers and feathers. Mary Anne could cry. Jessi could be black. The possibilities are endless!
Mal actually scratches her head when she thinks. LICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thankfully Jessi hugs Mal and claims that she’s being awesome even though she’s stuck in bed. Maaaaaaaaaaal doesn’t see it that way.
8th Chapter
I need to lie down. I caught sight of Jessi’s handwriting. I’m terrified to look at it again.
Jesus. It’s the blandest notebook entry ever. I could have saved my vision from handwriting a la Jessi. Merci beaucoup.
Every time we hit a chapter involving Dawn and Mary Anne’s barn, I know boredom is inevitable. Except for Kristy and Dawn’s saucy adventure in Book 5.
Buddy jumps on Nicky’s head and isn’t reprimanded. He is just offered a comment from Jessi which makes her sound quadruple her age: ‘That’ll teach you to leap before you look.’ Then this is followed by Kristy saying ‘Are you ready to put your thinking caps on?’ and ‘Our hope is to bring a lot of happiness to people at Stoneybrook Manor’. This is sweet but my God Kristy does not sound 13. She sounds about fifty. And as if she is an overly enthusiastic Brownie Guide leader. Not that 13 year olds are incapable of being sweet, but it just doesn’t sound right. I think Ann forgets who her characters are half the time. Besides this is the same girl who would lift a clump of school lunch food, make snide gross-out remarks and make Mary Anne turn green, while wearing the same unwashed outfit for a month.
Mal’s idea of a car wash is vetoed on account of potential death from freezing weather. Perhaps Mal subconsciously did not want to be the only ill member of the BSC thus she would feel less guilty *gasp!*. Anyway of course her idea was vetoed. It’s a Mallory idea. Mallory ideas make Ann jump up in fright and go ‘Noooooooooooooooo! Anyone but Mallory! I admit that Kristy doesn’t always have the great ideas and I just humour her but seriously if Mallory’s ideas are accepted the series will be ruined!’ Then she goes to stare at a picture of New York to calm herself down.
All of the kids volunteer to give away their pocket money to pay for the gift baskets. Mary Anne almost bawls … again this is sweet but my God we have really fallen into a strange bubble where children would willingly give away their pocket money. Buddy protests that he does not to dress up as a turkey as his school is making him do that and he HATES it! So no turkey performers. Wow Mallory will be disappointed. Five-year-old Suzi is basically the genius who comes up with the idea for the Stoneybrook Manor Thanksgiving extravaganza: an indoor carnival. Because carnivals are FUN! Buddy initially argues that it’s a stupid idea: ‘Old people don’t want to play games or go to carnivals’ / ‘Why?’ / ‘Because … they’re old’
Mary Anne fortunately recognises that it’s an awesome-tastic idea and develops, while Kristy’s eyes ‘widen’ and she says ‘I get it’.
I get it
They start planning. It is dull. Very very dull.
Jessi makes a list of tasks for Mallory and Buddy makes Jessi jump like a frog the whole way home.
Good thing this hadn’t been released at that time. Otherwise Jessi may have called racism.
9th Chapter
Mal lacks logic. She believes that the only way to stay friends with the BSC is if she gets them to kick her out of the club and replace her.
Pardon?
I don’t understand … why … what???! How does that make sense? She attempts to justify this by claiming if she is letting them down by not being there because she is ill, they will hate her. Does it not cross her mind that getting them into a position where they want to kick her out of the club means that they will likely hate her more (Ooooh Ann will be pleased!)? Especially when we witness Mallory’s exact masterplan for Operation: Get Kicked Out of the BSC and They Will Love Me Again. It basically requires being a typical moody teenager.
Mal being a moody teenager is meant to be appalling to the BSC reader, but it is hilarious. Mal is rude to Claudia, Jessi, Mary Anne and Kristy on separate occasions.
‘I realised that this was my opportunity to show the BSC the mistake they’d made by keeping me in the club.’
Therefore we get golden lines like this:
‘Maybe I don’t feel like doing anything. I am ill you know.’
And my personal favourite, when Mary Anne and Kristy enter: ‘Oh it’s just you’
BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
Mal essentially tries to turn Claudia and Jessi against each other, by shit-stirring and pulling a ‘Mean Girls’ stunt, ‘suggesting’ that Claudia thinks Jessi is not doing enough work and that she wants to take over the project, and perhaps doesn’t like the idea of Jessi handing out tasks without her permission.
Jessi thinks you’re mad at her because she thinks that you think she’s doing f**k all for the project
So yes, Mal acts like she doesn’t give a shit about the project, just so they will kick her out of the club (and love her again … I think Mal’s logic could be the subject of an entire conference on psychiatry), and it certainly does wind people up. The trouble is … what if Mallory really did feel this way? She is not well, she has been hit hard by an unpleasant incredibly draining illness, and it’s bound to make anyone feel moody or upset or not quite themselves. What if she truly felt too drained to make calls, do baking and sew bean bags? Bloody hell that can be draining enough when you are well! Then you have Margo and Claire berating her for her behaviour towards Claudia and guilt-tripping their sick sister, saying ‘Gosh you were really mean to Claudia’, ‘We need people to make phone calls to supermarket owners … You’re just lying in bed’ (like supermarket owners would take an eleven year old’s voice seriously) and ‘Boy oh boy, I thought you were a nice person.’ Jesus why don’t the pair of you do a reprise of Mean Old Mallory the Ballet? Again this is seriously painful if Mal really did feel this way. I know it’s irrelevant because she does want to do these tasks, but seriously the Pikes, both parents and siblings expect so damn much from Mallory that it’s not healthy (Mallory on Strike showed absolutely frightening behaviour). Also the BSC, featuring Kristy tactlessly stating: ‘Gosh Mal, having glandular fever .has really changed you’ … all because she said that she was glad to be missing school.
[Kristy] said in a very cold, very final voice, ‘We won’t bother you anymore’. Sounds like something out of a psychological thriller.
But if you don’t make those bean bags for the carnival at Stoneybrook Manor, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.
Here is an extract from Mallory's inner monologue following Mary Anne and Kristy's departure: My plan had worked. Soon I would be getting a call telling me that I wasn’t needed in the club and would be replaced, and it would all be over. I’d never go to another BSC meeting. I’d probably never see any of the members again. And Jessi, who was my best friend in the whole world, would stop calling me too. I wanted to bury my head under the covers and stay there. Forever.
Calm down woman!
Not quite ‘I wish you’d get out of my life … FOREVER!’ a la Mary Anne, but my God this is so funny.
P.S. Don’t worry Mal, I’m sure you will see your beloved ‘members’ again. After all, what would the Pikes do? Who will raise their children when you’re not free?
Fortunately, the BSC figured out the meaning behind Operation: Get Kicked Out of the BSC and They Will Love Me Again, and basically call Mal to tell her that she’s being an idiot. Apparently they spent fifteen minutes arguing about everything Mal had said. I bet this is how they all looked when they figured it out (especially Claudia):
Apparently Kristy was ‘ready to replace [her]’ … bloody hell, a few moody remarks from an ill eleven year old pushed Kristy to that? Despite the gazillion things that Mal has done for the BSC? This just proves more and more the BSC’s lack of compassion. No family gangster protection here. It's as if Kristy is Marlo from The Wire forebodingly leading Mallory to a vacant boarded up house for simply saying ‘Go and find someone else to do your errands’.
‘Right. We won’t bother you anymore’
And that was the last time we saw Mallory Pike.
But no matter, they call her Operation: Get Kicked Out of the BSC and They Will Love Me Again selfless, but useless because they ‘love [her]!’ Stacey remarks, ‘No matter how ill you are, you can’t get rid of us’. Another line for the BSC psychological thriller.
No matter how ill you are, you can’t get rid of us
Mal is back to her perky, nerdy self, ready to man the phones, bake goods, and make bean bags. Woohoo.
That’s all for today! Tune in next time for Mal getting credit for an idea that isn’t even hers, more of Jessi sounding quadruple her age, and OMGWTFAGHHHH the Pikes’ trip to New York … may not happen. An individual NYC-loving tear trickles down Ann’s cheek as I type this.