Don't teach a man to fish. He'll just drink all day.
Oh hey, guys. How have you survived the past season and subsequent winter life-hating? You’ve got it all under control, barely even noticed you haven’t worn a bikini in the last little bit? This recap is not for you, then. This is for me, mostly, and I guess anyone who acts like the relative tilt of a circling rock is a personal punishment and also why do we have to have jobs or whatever? Karen doesn’t have a job. In this book, she doesn’t even have a conflict to resolve, or a goal of any kind. How do I get that in my life. Asking for a friend.
Look at this familial bonding! Father and daughter, alone on a lake for some reason. There is no way that’s what Watson’s boat looks like, that is basically the canoe your group makes as a final in wood-working but everyone forgot to learn what makes things float before they started making it. There are no oars? Who in the group was supposed to make the oars? I’m not going to lose a letter grade because of that burn out. So are they just adrift in the lake? Forever? I guess they should start catching some fish.
Chapter 1
Summer time! I want some of that. Karen is hogging it all, while she inhales a bagel with pineapple cream cheese. Did not know that that was a thing! We’re all learning, even while school’s out. When the phone rings, Karen gives us her step-sis’s first and last name and receives news that the phone is for her. So far, this whole set up has been extremely natural! Karen takes the phone and Hannie is firing question after question. One of the thing she asks is if Karen is dressed yet. Karen doesn’t have to explain her lifestyle to you, Hannie, and if she wants to wear yoga pants all day that is her call to make.
Soon, Hancy have arrived in KBrew’s backyard and they run senselessly to a tree, just to express their joy. This is pretty much the apex of Things Occurring in this book, and I hope you all are looking forward to finding out how many ways I can phrase “and then the 3Ms did wholesome stuff for awhile”.
We find out it’s the first official day of summer vaycay, and that the three are pleased to consider the yawning, empty days ahead. Karen feels like she is at her bliss threshold, and if a single other things strikes her fancy as pleasing she’ll die. That is pretty grim for a second grader. There’s a weird thing where she mentions Ms. Colman’s class, but it’s kind of implied that in the fall they’ll all be with Ms. Colman again. Okay.
There’s a picture of the three laying on their backs, heads touching, staring at the sky. That is where the sun lives, don’t stare up there! But oh no! A cloud wanders in front of the sun when Nancy says she’s in favor of not planning every moment of their summer, but Karen is. Hannie murmurs that they could just make a vague bucket list, and beyond that each day will be whatever you feel like! Glad that got resolved. Anyway, they make a list, and Karen gets even happier.
But does not die.
Chapter 2
Let’s have a kiki! You know how Karen is a two-two? Is this ringing any bells? Well, quit ringing those bells. Find a damper (vocab word for the bell-heads out there). She tells us that she’s just a one this time around, since her Mom and brother and that other guy are having a hiatus in Chi-town. Seth got a job out there. I’m sure this is explained in the book where it happens, but it mostly seems ridiculous to me that someone in Chicago can’t find a carpenter in their own time zone and had to import one from New England. I just think more than one sentence should be dedicated to this in the Chapter 2. She spends forever explaining why her parents divorced, I don’t think it’s too much to ask.
She says she’s going to visit them for a whole month “soon”, but for now her life is the simple times. To wit: her Brady Bunch family has gathered ‘round a long picnic table and all are grabbing tuna sammiches off a giant pile. Daddy is all like “What’re everyone’s plans for this afternoon?” and I think he’s just angling for someone to lob the question back at him, because he just says “Okay” after both Charlie and Sam explaining they’re going job hunting. Sam already even has a paper route? And needs a second job? That guy is fourteen. Does he have permission from his guidance counselor to work this many hours? Sam, maybe you should see a doctor so he can give you a prescription for a chill pill that you can take as directed.
Then the 3Ms go do wholesome stuff for awhile.
Chapter 3
Sometimes leisure time presents tremendous pressure because you feel compelled to be constantly carpe diem-ing, and you just wish your vacation was over so you could go back to resenting your coworkers for having a different version of Excel than you. Karen can barely keep her eyes open at dinner one evening, such is her weariness from biking and tree climbing and stuff. She is ten seconds from napping on her lamb chop meal when Daddy taps his water glass with his fork because of course he does. Everyone has fond memories from childhood of their beloved patriarchs striking a gong to call everyone together, or whatever. Anyway, dude has a proposal: let’s all go to Shadow Lake! (I seriously typed “Crystal Lake” instead on accident because I have a rich inner life, I guess).
He asks his family what they think of the plan. Is a democracy really the best form of government for the Big House? Half the people who live there are insane in the membrane. Karen’s exhaustion flees her body and she yelps that she wants to go. But wait - Charlie and Sam just both got jobs this same day and haven’t told their parents even though I think you need parental permission to work somewhere if you’re a minor? This throws a wrench in things. Sam is going to be a dishwasher at Five Happiness (good name, very authentic) and Charlie is going to deliver…auto parts…to somewhere. I’m not sure what Charlie’s job is. But he doesn’t want to muck it up by missing a week of it. Kristy ain’t give a shit about missing three BSC meetings a row, so she’s in.
For some reason, even though Watson framed this whole conversation like he was asking if they wanted to go, and last time I checked there’s usually more than one way a question can be answered, he’s completely unprepared for their refusal? When they say they’ll just stay home, Daddy makes a frown with the only part of his head that still has hair. Then he says he doesn’t want any of the pets to come. What was your plan, Watson? You don’t want anyone to stay home and you don’t want the pets to come. It’s starting to sound like you just wish the Big House had a larger Pet Cemetery behind it so you can do science when everyone else is sleeping, and this lakehouse thing is just a front. I’ve got my eye on you.
Also Karen wants Hannie and Nancy to come OBVIOUSLY and David Michael is friends with the Hsus and blah blah Kristy and Mary Anne.
Nannie, who I forgot has any autonomy, reveals that her chocolate business (fine, whatever) has a big order coming up and she also needs to stay home. This is starting to feel like people are just looking around the kitchen and naming nouns to string together excuses to stay away from this lakehouse. “I…have a chocolate…auto part…at five…h…happiness. Can’t come that weekend. You know how it is.” Karen, meanwhile, cannot even consider a future where Daddy doesn’t allow Hancy to accompany them to the mountains. She is wigging out a little bit. We should probably give her some space.
Chapter Four
Once Hannie learns she can come she and Karen have to jump up and down for what seems like forever until they can stand it. Thank God, I don’t really want to be privy to Karen’s unwound psyche. They grab some lemonade to quench their thirst and gab about their upcoming vacation. Is it really a vacation if you are already doing nothing? They need a vacation from their vacation.
Nancy called to say she has also been granted permission to go. Apparently they’ll be staying at Shadow Lake through Father’s Day, which gives Hannie a little bit of the sads, but it’s cool because there’ll be a fishing contest on that selfsame day! Title tie-in! Does anyone in this series like fishing, seriously? Is it Hannie’s secret favorite so she honestly feels a lot better? Once I got invited to go crabbing on the Chesapeake and I thought I was being punished. This detail will be brought up by me a little later on in this recap, so don’t ignore it the way you ignore all the other things about myself I try to share with you. There’ll be a quiz at the end.
Nancy calls again and Hannie and Karen each pick up a phone so they can conference call. They have to plan what supplies they’ll bring along and zzzzzz
Later, Karen is packing for her trip that won’t even start for like a week (not that we spend time in that week, we just skip it, so it is either mentioned that the trip is some time from now for the sake of humor or realism and this series is bad at both). Kristy comes in with laundry and packing advice, part of which is “one or two nice dresses”. Karen! Don’t let your facial features betray the fact that you know Kristy has been replaced by a pod person. Your fear only makes you seem more delicious to aliens.
They have a stupid conversation about who cares, and it’s revealed that David Michael isn’t coming because he’s going to Adventureland with the Hsus. For the whole week? That is a long time to spend at the amusement park. Especially when you’re not tall enough for most of the stuff. So for those of you playing along at home, that now means none of the Thomas boys will be coming to this woodland haven. No boys! Except Watson, who barely counts. Karen and Kristy high-five over this, because finally they can revel in their raw femininity without those dullards over-compensating for etc etc I do not know what I’m talking about. These books aren’t nuanced enough for me to care if the chemistry is altered slightly because now there’s a different ensemble. And this is like…Father’s Day and people are sad but also glad because of no boys and I’m confused by a book geared towards six year-olds.
Let’s just move on.
Chapter 5
We fast-forward to the day of the trip. For the second time in twenty-five pages, Karen gives us an extremely specific run down of her breakfast and it’s like, ugh. Get an instagram so I can block you. It’s going to take two cars to lug these shining examples of womanhood up to Massachusetts, and Karen has to kiss so many people goodbye that her lips feel tingly afterwards. Sure. …Wait.
Daddy turns up the radio to avoid having to hear anything that comes out of these children’s mouths, obviously, and they play standard car games. They “talk about every single person in Miss Coleman’s class”. Hahaha, I would love a transcript of this? “So now we’re ready to move on to Hank. We can say for sure that he loves food, and he has a shirt with the Thundercats on it. Does anyone have anything to add? No? Okay, time to talk about Jannie.” When asked who each would choose had they to pick three people for a desert island situation (such a dumb question because they each inevitably choose the other two so it’s more like “pick another person you like”). Karen chooses Sara Ford (are we even sure this is a person), Hannie chooses Audrey (when do they even interact with not Karen) and then Nancy chooses Omar. Hanren mock Nancy for the rest of the ride. Nancy. This is No Boys week and now you’re bringing a boy to the island. I would choose Natalie, Ricky, and Natalie again.
Whoooo camp time!
Chapter 6
Karen humblebrags that the cabin they stay at is actually “too big” to be a cabin. Maybe I don’t know what a cabin is. Anyway it’s enormous and this is kind of like Entourage when you’re like “oooh how are they going to have a bunch of amazing things that they don’t deserve at all this time?” and then they get a bunch of amazing things that they don’t deserve at all and you’re like “phew!” The 3Ms are so rich with beds that they can sleep on a different one every night, which they plan to do, because childhood.
Then Elizabeth invites them all to come to the grocery store with her.
Chpater 7
This chapter is called “Keegan (A Boy)”. A boy! It’s hard to try hard as a recapper when the ghostwriter is hardly aware she’s writing something other people will pay money to read. I need a vacation from Karen’s vacation.
They’re at the store and they’re looking at the objects within. I don’t know why that’s specified, they aren’t old enough to appreciate and master loitering. Clearly their eyes will pass over the wares being peddled. The 3Ms debate what a gooseberry could be, when someone calls to our fair narrator. It’s Keegan! Who is a boy. Gr8. Karen intros this guy (someone she met on a previous visit) to her besties, and the two make icicles grow from the nearby shelves with their chilly reception. Karen wonders what gives, and Kegan is like “I haven’t matured emotionally enough to realize there’s some cattiness going down because of how boys vs. girls and also my mom is calling me”. Hancy turn up their noses in lieu of saying goodbye when he peaces out. That charm school was really worth the scratch.
Seven hours later, Karen finally asks her bros why they were having emotions in the rural grocery store. It’s because this week was declared “no boys week” and Keegan (a boy) has no place in this. So they don’t want to “practice fishing” with him, which, I don’t want to either, that sounds hell of boring. God I hope it doesn’t come to that. Karen counts to twenty in her head (since when is she more mature than me? Ugh my life is not going how I planned at all) and says she smells what they’re cooking but like what if we spend some time with Keegan because he might be pretty lonely. Hannie and Nancy reflect briefly and then agree. Am I supposed to be learning life lessons from Karen now? About peer mediation? Because I really prefer when we learn by non-example, and then I still just do what Karen did and pretend it’s charming even though I’m definitely the worst.
Chapter 8
So now they are practicing fishing, and I don’t know how that’s different from actually fishing. What is there to practice? You press B after using the start menu to equip and then wait until your controller vibrates and then you see the thing (scientific term) bob below the water so you hit B again and then the game makes a pun and you win. The real money is in digging up fossils, though. Daddy gives them raw shrimp to use as bait, and I’m a vegan, but that seems like trading down? If you have shrimp that is already food so that should be the end of the process. You don’t throw your food into the water for worse food. Rich people.
They don’t catch anything, so fishing means they have less food than they did to start. Is that how this goes? This seems like a terrible hobby. The 3Ms wander off to play in their secret house that apparently everyone else knows about. Then they have a “delicious lunch of hotdogs”. Karen does not have a very good sense of what details people care about. And when you’re supposed to use the word “delicious”. Kristy invites them to accompany Mary Anne and her fly self to the game room but all the games are unsuited to three players. So Keegan (a boy) comes in handy! BUT WHAT DID KEEGAN EAT FOR LUNCH? This narrative is impossible to engage with.
Chapter 9
The 3Ms are dedicated to this sleeping-in-new-beds-every night deal, despite how not fun it is to unmake and remake a new bed every day. They are also excited to be able to stay up late, talking together. What do they even have to talk about that doesn’t get addressed during the day. They don’t have separate activities, and Karen doesn’t even have enough to tell me to fill these huge-fonted chapters. She probably just relives all her past breakfasts with them.
They are untangling their hair post showers when things take a turn for the maudlin. Hannie regrets her mother’s absence and the fact that she has to untangle her hair on a solo mission. I am not even sure what this means, are they using their fingers to comb their hair? Does everyone do this? Am I supposed to? Why are they even showering, they’re on vacation. It’s not like they have anyone to impress.
Anyway Karen gets a bit philosophic and talks about how even when you’re the happiest you can be, there’s always something missing, but it’s great to have your friends and stuff. Is this book a response to anti-Karen hate, so they took out all her Karenness but then forgot to put anything else in there? I keep wanting to say “What is happening” but nothing is happening. Their brief moment of joyful melancholy is arrested when they smell popcorn a-popping! The three troop out and find a roaring fire with an old school corn kernel popping apparatus on top. Kristy tells them they’re just in time, as Watson was about to regale them all with tales of his childhood at Shadow Lake. This is planned programming? I didn’t realize anyone ever decided in advance to spin some yarns for everyone. Also, Watson is not very charismatic so why is everyone agreeing to come and listen to him monopolize the conversation? This popcorn must be mindblowing.
Apparently the stories are the best, although none are even summarized for us to read, so how great could they be. The one that Karen seizes on is the “story” of the Shadow Lake monster (just a half sentence about how there’s a monster in their backyard). Here is how little tolerance I have for when people try and act like there’s a Loch Ness-esque monster in their own body of water - that time I mentioned earlier with the crabbing, my friend’s dad started up about how we have to keep our eyes peeled for “Chessie”, a fearsome monster who is occasionally spotted near Baltimore. Without even consciously choosing that I was going to do this, I yelled “everyone knows Chessie is just a stupid manatee!” and chucked the Styrofoam container housing our captured crustaceans back into the bay. I get so mad that I pollute my state’s treasures and sentence myself to having to crab for several more hours when I have been done with crabbing since before we even got on the boat. That is how much I hate these kinds of legends. My dad also claims that, when I was showing off my fifth grade project for Maryland Day (it was a shoebox diorama with drawings of the Creatures of the Chesapeake), someone asked if I was going to honor Chessie, and I refused to even acknowledge the question. I don’t remember that! But it sounds like me. You have to choose your battles and this is mine. Never look back, never regret.
“Please tell us more boring and extremely Maryland-specific stories” - No one. “It’s really fun to force a legend that we have a Loch Ness monster type thing for no reason” - Karen, obviously.
Chapter 10
A few days go by, and the 3Ms have failed to catch either fish or glimpses of this stupid monster. They are trying all kinds of bait, and Karen sniffs that these fish are freeloading without sticking around to meet their benefactors, as though the fish are being rude by not wanting to be eaten. Daddy thinks they need to use worms, but I don’t know why it’s a bait problem if the bait is getting eaten. Do you have to spear the worms to get them to stay on? Fishing suddenly feels very macabre.
Meanwhile, the closest thing anyone has to success is when Nancy accidentally hooks Karen’s shirt and then squeals. Emily Michelle does catch something with her play pole, but they throw it back because it’s not fully grown. Then Mary Anne and Kristy get some inspiration from lures and how they look like they might make pretty earrings. Holy shit no wonder Claudia is able to get away with so much stuff.
Chapter 11
Wednesday comes and goes without catching any fish. There are still way too many days until Sunday. Kristy and Mary Anne have started a business named “A-lure-ing Earrings by MAK”. They’ve already sold four pairs. Can no one in this series ever just relax? Or is this vacation just the most boring. Or both. Kristy smugs that they may need to go into the neighboring town and buy up all their fishing lures. Those assholes! There’s a fishing contest this Sunday and you’re all buying all the lures to make tacky jewelry? I am impressed.
Karen also can never relax so she wants to spend all day looking for the Shadow Lake monster. Daddy helps them construct a shelter (haha okay) and they don some green and brown for camo in case color differentiation is how the Shadow Monster perceives his surroundings. Let’s stake some out!
By ten AM they are totally dunzo with this operation. Stiff, dull-eyed, lunches already eaten because there was nothing else to do, they refuse to give in. They take some goofy pictures, play hangman, and then, but soft! Did ya’ll hear that? Was it the monster? Was it a righteous and indignant God who cannot bear His children to believe in some false creatures? Or was it my ideal situation, a sudden and ferocious downpour, right on the 3Ms’ bored and boring heads? Why yes - the sky opens up.
Chapter 12
The shelter doesn’t actually do what the name claims it does, because this rain is undeterred. That’s fine. I’m fine with it. The 3Ms are also, apparently, fine with it, and do not opt to abandon their search. Hannie, no lie, says “Sometimes rain makes me feel sad”. Hannie I have had it up to here with your shit. You can’t see me but I’m holding up my hand at like, eye-level when I say that. I think this makes the fifth occasion when you just start in with some moony-eyed nonsense that drags the rest of the group down. I am trying to enjoy your mild misfortune but you just can’t let anything just be.
They’re sad again that they won’t be with their dads on Father’s Day, and Karen just looks off at the rain, because she can’t relate to this brand of anguish. Man, I’ll never take Andrew or Natalie for granted again, because without them, I have no muse.
Karen suddenly says “my eyes grew big”, which is a very normal thing to say as a first person narrator. Perfect. She’s hatching one of her “gigundoly brilliant ideas”. I am sure this is not an understatement.
Then - more noise! Noisy noise. Karen stresses that it might be the monster coming to eat three little girls for lunch. Obviously that is not for true, so what could it be but - Keegan (a boy)! He’s looking for worms in the rain. Jesus Christ, these people are the worst at being on vacation. He asks if they want to come look as well. Considering Karen didn’t even want to look at a worm to bait her hook some days ago, I’m not sure why the next line is “It did not take us long to say yes”.
Chapter 13
Worm hunting in the rain, aww yis. Karen makes an acrostic poem, either in her head or in hind-sight as the narrator, about worms. The “s” is for stretchy. I do not know why there’s just a poem in this beginning of this chapter, because no one needed to learn what the main characteristics of worms are. Mild-mannered, got it.
Karen takes a break from Robert Frost-ing to tell us that Hannie’s “long dark pigtails streamed wetly down her back”. Aside from “wetly”, that was a very good descriptive sentence! Does our ghostwriter have secret dreams of poetry? That comes in small bursts and then dies, like the most peculiar firework? Aww. I support your dreams.
Meanwhile, they find some worms. Karen & co are still pretty grossed out at the prospect of touching these creatures, although Karen gives them credit for helping plants grow.
Some amount of time later, who knows, seriously, they’ve corralled a whole bunch into some coffee cans. Keegan is going to sell them to the grocery store like he’s in Gummo or something, how many minors are going to build up a business in this book? Everyone go take a nap.
Karen is going to give her worms to Daddy for his special day. Hannie broods. Keegan stammers that his parents may be divorcing, and he doesn’t know if he’ll even be able to see his dad. He also tells Nancy that fish love bologna. This guy. The fish whisperer (fishperer). Karen gets a gleam in her pink glasses and tells Keegan he can come on Watson’s boat for the big contest! Some other person’s dad is basically like having your own dad. He seems cheered and runs off. Thanks, Keegan. Use us for labor in procuring more worms, score a boat ride, and then just dip. Guess he got what he wanted. We should’ve kept this as the week of No Boys.
Chapter 14
Everyone gets some materials to make Fathers’ Day cards. Kristy says “May I join you?” so formally, and Karen asides to us that Mr. Thomas seldom makes an appearance in the live of her step-siblings. She doesn’t come out and say that his absenteeism is because Kristy is so weirdly formal and probably a robot, but I don’t think I’m wrong in saying that it’s strongly implied. Why do they have glitter at their lakehouse? I’m pleased with it, though.
Karen reflects that it’s awful pleasant to have all these girls around with no boys, making cards for what are, after all, some grown boys. Hannie (of course) stresses that her card may not arrive on time. Meanwhile, Li’l Brewer’s plan has just kept on brewing, and Liz winks at her. That’s how you know.
They check their abandoned shelter, and find the scraps from their lunches yesterday have disappeared. Ergo, the monster is real. Satisfied with this, the three put some Cheetos on their fishing lines. It does not work. Then they try raisins, and Nancy nets a big one. Daddy runs from wherever he’d been, and tells Nancy they’ll eat her fish on Sunday. It’s Thursday.
Chapter 15
Everyone goes out to dinner, and the hostess says “You must have left some kids at home! There are only eight of you.” I don’t really get why she says that. Is it a joke? A joke about how they have too many children, what’s wrong with them? Or does the hostess remember the family from before, and knows that there should be roughly seventeen more humans in attendance? I’m serious. I hate that I don’t get this at all.
Once seated, Hancy are pulling some faces. You don’t see Mary Anne crying about missing her dad, do you? No you don’t. If she’s fine, you should definitely be fine. They act like the day before Fathers’ Day is also a holiday, which, it isn’t, and I can’t believe no one cops to the fact that Karen and parents have invited both their families to the lakehouse. Sorry if you didn’t see that coming, but a) you should’ve, and b) giving away spoilers is kind of my deal.
Back to my original point - isn’t it cruel and weird to just watch Hannie and Nancy be so miserable, knowing that their blues are entirely without cause? Kristy points out some women who are wearing the earrings she and Mary Anne made. Sorry about your feelings, Hancy, but maybe it’ll cheer you to know that those two are turning a profit.
Karen realizes she never got permission from Daddy to invite Keegan, so she does. He says no. What a joke! Fatherhood is a joke. Karen basically says as much, and then Elizabeth says they can work something out. Daddy sadly resigns himself to the fact that his precious boat will be overrun by unfeeling children, and everyone shares a laugh.
Chapter 16
Saturday dawns, wet and dreary. Hancy wake up with frowns on their faces, even though they got to sleep in different beds again last night. Never 4get. Karen brushes off their stupid qualms and says maybe Elizabeth will make them waffles, and those waffles can fill the fatherless void. Hannie uses Nancy’s sleeve to wipe the snot off her face and says “Okay”. Waffles are eaten, they do a confusing art project, and then they flop on the couches. After a little while, Karen tells us that if she hadn’t known that her friends’ moods would be improved post-haste, she “would have gotten impatient”. Karen, you came back! Some other girl has been here this whole time, and she was someone both better and much, much worse than you.
Almost lunchtime, and instead of telling us exactly what everyone ate, Karen tells us that the noise of car engines announce a surprise! The surprise is that Nancy’s whole family, Hannie’s whole family, and also all those other Thomas dudes have come up for the weekend! Kristy is like “whoa who is taking care of the pets” and Charlie handwaves and invents a friend.
Chapter 17
That night, everyone goes to dinner at that restaurant, I guess as a way of telling that hostess to get stuffed. A bunch of women are wearing those stupid earrings, and the main event is that David Michael got a cheesecake dessert, didn’t like it, and gave it to Karen. She is seriously so glad about this. Highlight of the vacation! What is her deal with food in this book? I am starting to worry a little bit.
Chapter 18
The 3Ms awaken early the next morning to set up for Fathers’ Day. It mostly involves setting the table, and … yeah, mostly that that table thing. Karen goes to get her worms, but lo! Where are those guys? Karen knows what she must do - run around banging on a pot and yelling “Worm alert!” Everyone is groggy at first and then like, “Oh, Klassic Karen”. Is it? This isn’t really calling any other capers to mind.
Everyone runs around and finds worms everywhere, puts them in the can, and giggle a lot. Karen is disappointed that her father’s present was more of a huge inconvenience, but he says “Thank you” anyway. Dad announces that he rented two more boats, and that Mr. Dawes and Mrs. Papadakis will be the two captains. At least now there’s room for Keegan (still a boy, probably).
Chapter 19
Second-to-last-chapter and the fishing trip is just now starting. Who was on this book-naming committee? Fire them. Hire me. I have ideas.
Karen gives us Keegan’s outfit description - shorts and a t-shirt. This is the first outfit description all book, so why does she…why. The boat sets sail, or whatever it’s called when it’s not a sailboat but it goes to deeper water. Everyone is taking pictures, and please don’t show any of them to me. I’ll just use my imagination. And picture something better.
Keegan catches a fish! It’s a trout. That’s…good? It’s good. Congratulations, Keegan. I hope this helps ease the pain of your parents’ separation. Cuddle that fish. Daddy catches loads of fish, crediting Karen’s worms. Karen cannot even deal with how gross putting a worm on a hook is. Karen hypothesizes that she can’t catch a fish because they’re vegetarians, even though she’s using popcorn as bait and Daddy is using worms and succeeding. That theory makes no sense!
Karen catches a baseball glove and it is embarrassing unfunny. I can’t even finish the passage because I’m cringing for the ghostwriter. Go back to poems! Jokes are not something you seem familiar with. Let’s move on.
Chapter 20
Karen wins an award for “Most Original Fish Caught”. Sorry - NO SHE DOES NOT THAT CANNOT BE A THING. If she hadn’t caught some garbage for the sake of a garbage joke, who would that award have gone to? David Michael’s bluegill that is getting kind of into grunge again and getting its gills pierced? That is not a prize. Shenanigans. Go to jail, ghostwriter. Then burn the jail down and sweep the ashes into Shadow Lake for the Lake Monster to choke on.
Keegan comes to say goodbye, and Karen gives him impending divorce-kid advice. I’m sure it’s nourishing for his soul. Still can’t believe this award bullshit.
The 3Ms have gotten their pictures developed, hahaha oh the past. Karen is very pleased with her five packages of photos. She’s going to send some to her Chicago-house family, some for Keegan, some for her personal album, holy moly. There’s an illustration, and one feels that this would be a good way to show us some of these amazing pictures, but instead we see the 3Ms looking at pictures we can’t see, don’t these people know how their medium works? If you are a writer and your character tells a story, you can reproduce that story with the words you’re using to tell the main story, instead of just telling us about three girls listening to a story. And if you’re an illustrator and what you have to show is photos, having us look at someone looking at photos is kind of too much.
I guess at the end of the day, the currency of friendship is our shared experience with our loved ones, and what we remember most of all is not the details, but how we felt experiencing and resharing them. That’s what summer is. A word that contains a million feelings that are defined by virture of being fleeting. Also UM KAREN DID NOT WIN THAT AWARD THAT IS NOT AN AWARD LET THAT BE THE MAIN TAKEAWAY FORGET ALL THOSE OTHER WORDS I TYPED TAKE BACK THE NIGHT.
At the end they see a picture that they think is proof of that monster so…I am just going to never interact with another human again. I don’t think I can relate to anyone after this.
Look at this familial bonding! Father and daughter, alone on a lake for some reason. There is no way that’s what Watson’s boat looks like, that is basically the canoe your group makes as a final in wood-working but everyone forgot to learn what makes things float before they started making it. There are no oars? Who in the group was supposed to make the oars? I’m not going to lose a letter grade because of that burn out. So are they just adrift in the lake? Forever? I guess they should start catching some fish.
Chapter 1
Summer time! I want some of that. Karen is hogging it all, while she inhales a bagel with pineapple cream cheese. Did not know that that was a thing! We’re all learning, even while school’s out. When the phone rings, Karen gives us her step-sis’s first and last name and receives news that the phone is for her. So far, this whole set up has been extremely natural! Karen takes the phone and Hannie is firing question after question. One of the thing she asks is if Karen is dressed yet. Karen doesn’t have to explain her lifestyle to you, Hannie, and if she wants to wear yoga pants all day that is her call to make.
Soon, Hancy have arrived in KBrew’s backyard and they run senselessly to a tree, just to express their joy. This is pretty much the apex of Things Occurring in this book, and I hope you all are looking forward to finding out how many ways I can phrase “and then the 3Ms did wholesome stuff for awhile”.
We find out it’s the first official day of summer vaycay, and that the three are pleased to consider the yawning, empty days ahead. Karen feels like she is at her bliss threshold, and if a single other things strikes her fancy as pleasing she’ll die. That is pretty grim for a second grader. There’s a weird thing where she mentions Ms. Colman’s class, but it’s kind of implied that in the fall they’ll all be with Ms. Colman again. Okay.
There’s a picture of the three laying on their backs, heads touching, staring at the sky. That is where the sun lives, don’t stare up there! But oh no! A cloud wanders in front of the sun when Nancy says she’s in favor of not planning every moment of their summer, but Karen is. Hannie murmurs that they could just make a vague bucket list, and beyond that each day will be whatever you feel like! Glad that got resolved. Anyway, they make a list, and Karen gets even happier.
But does not die.
Chapter 2
Let’s have a kiki! You know how Karen is a two-two? Is this ringing any bells? Well, quit ringing those bells. Find a damper (vocab word for the bell-heads out there). She tells us that she’s just a one this time around, since her Mom and brother and that other guy are having a hiatus in Chi-town. Seth got a job out there. I’m sure this is explained in the book where it happens, but it mostly seems ridiculous to me that someone in Chicago can’t find a carpenter in their own time zone and had to import one from New England. I just think more than one sentence should be dedicated to this in the Chapter 2. She spends forever explaining why her parents divorced, I don’t think it’s too much to ask.
She says she’s going to visit them for a whole month “soon”, but for now her life is the simple times. To wit: her Brady Bunch family has gathered ‘round a long picnic table and all are grabbing tuna sammiches off a giant pile. Daddy is all like “What’re everyone’s plans for this afternoon?” and I think he’s just angling for someone to lob the question back at him, because he just says “Okay” after both Charlie and Sam explaining they’re going job hunting. Sam already even has a paper route? And needs a second job? That guy is fourteen. Does he have permission from his guidance counselor to work this many hours? Sam, maybe you should see a doctor so he can give you a prescription for a chill pill that you can take as directed.
Then the 3Ms go do wholesome stuff for awhile.
Chapter 3
Sometimes leisure time presents tremendous pressure because you feel compelled to be constantly carpe diem-ing, and you just wish your vacation was over so you could go back to resenting your coworkers for having a different version of Excel than you. Karen can barely keep her eyes open at dinner one evening, such is her weariness from biking and tree climbing and stuff. She is ten seconds from napping on her lamb chop meal when Daddy taps his water glass with his fork because of course he does. Everyone has fond memories from childhood of their beloved patriarchs striking a gong to call everyone together, or whatever. Anyway, dude has a proposal: let’s all go to Shadow Lake! (I seriously typed “Crystal Lake” instead on accident because I have a rich inner life, I guess).
He asks his family what they think of the plan. Is a democracy really the best form of government for the Big House? Half the people who live there are insane in the membrane. Karen’s exhaustion flees her body and she yelps that she wants to go. But wait - Charlie and Sam just both got jobs this same day and haven’t told their parents even though I think you need parental permission to work somewhere if you’re a minor? This throws a wrench in things. Sam is going to be a dishwasher at Five Happiness (good name, very authentic) and Charlie is going to deliver…auto parts…to somewhere. I’m not sure what Charlie’s job is. But he doesn’t want to muck it up by missing a week of it. Kristy ain’t give a shit about missing three BSC meetings a row, so she’s in.
For some reason, even though Watson framed this whole conversation like he was asking if they wanted to go, and last time I checked there’s usually more than one way a question can be answered, he’s completely unprepared for their refusal? When they say they’ll just stay home, Daddy makes a frown with the only part of his head that still has hair. Then he says he doesn’t want any of the pets to come. What was your plan, Watson? You don’t want anyone to stay home and you don’t want the pets to come. It’s starting to sound like you just wish the Big House had a larger Pet Cemetery behind it so you can do science when everyone else is sleeping, and this lakehouse thing is just a front. I’ve got my eye on you.
Also Karen wants Hannie and Nancy to come OBVIOUSLY and David Michael is friends with the Hsus and blah blah Kristy and Mary Anne.
Nannie, who I forgot has any autonomy, reveals that her chocolate business (fine, whatever) has a big order coming up and she also needs to stay home. This is starting to feel like people are just looking around the kitchen and naming nouns to string together excuses to stay away from this lakehouse. “I…have a chocolate…auto part…at five…h…happiness. Can’t come that weekend. You know how it is.” Karen, meanwhile, cannot even consider a future where Daddy doesn’t allow Hancy to accompany them to the mountains. She is wigging out a little bit. We should probably give her some space.
Chapter Four
Once Hannie learns she can come she and Karen have to jump up and down for what seems like forever until they can stand it. Thank God, I don’t really want to be privy to Karen’s unwound psyche. They grab some lemonade to quench their thirst and gab about their upcoming vacation. Is it really a vacation if you are already doing nothing? They need a vacation from their vacation.
Nancy called to say she has also been granted permission to go. Apparently they’ll be staying at Shadow Lake through Father’s Day, which gives Hannie a little bit of the sads, but it’s cool because there’ll be a fishing contest on that selfsame day! Title tie-in! Does anyone in this series like fishing, seriously? Is it Hannie’s secret favorite so she honestly feels a lot better? Once I got invited to go crabbing on the Chesapeake and I thought I was being punished. This detail will be brought up by me a little later on in this recap, so don’t ignore it the way you ignore all the other things about myself I try to share with you. There’ll be a quiz at the end.
Nancy calls again and Hannie and Karen each pick up a phone so they can conference call. They have to plan what supplies they’ll bring along and zzzzzz
Later, Karen is packing for her trip that won’t even start for like a week (not that we spend time in that week, we just skip it, so it is either mentioned that the trip is some time from now for the sake of humor or realism and this series is bad at both). Kristy comes in with laundry and packing advice, part of which is “one or two nice dresses”. Karen! Don’t let your facial features betray the fact that you know Kristy has been replaced by a pod person. Your fear only makes you seem more delicious to aliens.
They have a stupid conversation about who cares, and it’s revealed that David Michael isn’t coming because he’s going to Adventureland with the Hsus. For the whole week? That is a long time to spend at the amusement park. Especially when you’re not tall enough for most of the stuff. So for those of you playing along at home, that now means none of the Thomas boys will be coming to this woodland haven. No boys! Except Watson, who barely counts. Karen and Kristy high-five over this, because finally they can revel in their raw femininity without those dullards over-compensating for etc etc I do not know what I’m talking about. These books aren’t nuanced enough for me to care if the chemistry is altered slightly because now there’s a different ensemble. And this is like…Father’s Day and people are sad but also glad because of no boys and I’m confused by a book geared towards six year-olds.
Let’s just move on.
Chapter 5
We fast-forward to the day of the trip. For the second time in twenty-five pages, Karen gives us an extremely specific run down of her breakfast and it’s like, ugh. Get an instagram so I can block you. It’s going to take two cars to lug these shining examples of womanhood up to Massachusetts, and Karen has to kiss so many people goodbye that her lips feel tingly afterwards. Sure. …Wait.
Daddy turns up the radio to avoid having to hear anything that comes out of these children’s mouths, obviously, and they play standard car games. They “talk about every single person in Miss Coleman’s class”. Hahaha, I would love a transcript of this? “So now we’re ready to move on to Hank. We can say for sure that he loves food, and he has a shirt with the Thundercats on it. Does anyone have anything to add? No? Okay, time to talk about Jannie.” When asked who each would choose had they to pick three people for a desert island situation (such a dumb question because they each inevitably choose the other two so it’s more like “pick another person you like”). Karen chooses Sara Ford (are we even sure this is a person), Hannie chooses Audrey (when do they even interact with not Karen) and then Nancy chooses Omar. Hanren mock Nancy for the rest of the ride. Nancy. This is No Boys week and now you’re bringing a boy to the island. I would choose Natalie, Ricky, and Natalie again.
Whoooo camp time!
Chapter 6
Karen humblebrags that the cabin they stay at is actually “too big” to be a cabin. Maybe I don’t know what a cabin is. Anyway it’s enormous and this is kind of like Entourage when you’re like “oooh how are they going to have a bunch of amazing things that they don’t deserve at all this time?” and then they get a bunch of amazing things that they don’t deserve at all and you’re like “phew!” The 3Ms are so rich with beds that they can sleep on a different one every night, which they plan to do, because childhood.
Then Elizabeth invites them all to come to the grocery store with her.
Chpater 7
This chapter is called “Keegan (A Boy)”. A boy! It’s hard to try hard as a recapper when the ghostwriter is hardly aware she’s writing something other people will pay money to read. I need a vacation from Karen’s vacation.
They’re at the store and they’re looking at the objects within. I don’t know why that’s specified, they aren’t old enough to appreciate and master loitering. Clearly their eyes will pass over the wares being peddled. The 3Ms debate what a gooseberry could be, when someone calls to our fair narrator. It’s Keegan! Who is a boy. Gr8. Karen intros this guy (someone she met on a previous visit) to her besties, and the two make icicles grow from the nearby shelves with their chilly reception. Karen wonders what gives, and Kegan is like “I haven’t matured emotionally enough to realize there’s some cattiness going down because of how boys vs. girls and also my mom is calling me”. Hancy turn up their noses in lieu of saying goodbye when he peaces out. That charm school was really worth the scratch.
Seven hours later, Karen finally asks her bros why they were having emotions in the rural grocery store. It’s because this week was declared “no boys week” and Keegan (a boy) has no place in this. So they don’t want to “practice fishing” with him, which, I don’t want to either, that sounds hell of boring. God I hope it doesn’t come to that. Karen counts to twenty in her head (since when is she more mature than me? Ugh my life is not going how I planned at all) and says she smells what they’re cooking but like what if we spend some time with Keegan because he might be pretty lonely. Hannie and Nancy reflect briefly and then agree. Am I supposed to be learning life lessons from Karen now? About peer mediation? Because I really prefer when we learn by non-example, and then I still just do what Karen did and pretend it’s charming even though I’m definitely the worst.
Chapter 8
So now they are practicing fishing, and I don’t know how that’s different from actually fishing. What is there to practice? You press B after using the start menu to equip and then wait until your controller vibrates and then you see the thing (scientific term) bob below the water so you hit B again and then the game makes a pun and you win. The real money is in digging up fossils, though. Daddy gives them raw shrimp to use as bait, and I’m a vegan, but that seems like trading down? If you have shrimp that is already food so that should be the end of the process. You don’t throw your food into the water for worse food. Rich people.
They don’t catch anything, so fishing means they have less food than they did to start. Is that how this goes? This seems like a terrible hobby. The 3Ms wander off to play in their secret house that apparently everyone else knows about. Then they have a “delicious lunch of hotdogs”. Karen does not have a very good sense of what details people care about. And when you’re supposed to use the word “delicious”. Kristy invites them to accompany Mary Anne and her fly self to the game room but all the games are unsuited to three players. So Keegan (a boy) comes in handy! BUT WHAT DID KEEGAN EAT FOR LUNCH? This narrative is impossible to engage with.
Chapter 9
The 3Ms are dedicated to this sleeping-in-new-beds-every night deal, despite how not fun it is to unmake and remake a new bed every day. They are also excited to be able to stay up late, talking together. What do they even have to talk about that doesn’t get addressed during the day. They don’t have separate activities, and Karen doesn’t even have enough to tell me to fill these huge-fonted chapters. She probably just relives all her past breakfasts with them.
They are untangling their hair post showers when things take a turn for the maudlin. Hannie regrets her mother’s absence and the fact that she has to untangle her hair on a solo mission. I am not even sure what this means, are they using their fingers to comb their hair? Does everyone do this? Am I supposed to? Why are they even showering, they’re on vacation. It’s not like they have anyone to impress.
Anyway Karen gets a bit philosophic and talks about how even when you’re the happiest you can be, there’s always something missing, but it’s great to have your friends and stuff. Is this book a response to anti-Karen hate, so they took out all her Karenness but then forgot to put anything else in there? I keep wanting to say “What is happening” but nothing is happening. Their brief moment of joyful melancholy is arrested when they smell popcorn a-popping! The three troop out and find a roaring fire with an old school corn kernel popping apparatus on top. Kristy tells them they’re just in time, as Watson was about to regale them all with tales of his childhood at Shadow Lake. This is planned programming? I didn’t realize anyone ever decided in advance to spin some yarns for everyone. Also, Watson is not very charismatic so why is everyone agreeing to come and listen to him monopolize the conversation? This popcorn must be mindblowing.
Apparently the stories are the best, although none are even summarized for us to read, so how great could they be. The one that Karen seizes on is the “story” of the Shadow Lake monster (just a half sentence about how there’s a monster in their backyard). Here is how little tolerance I have for when people try and act like there’s a Loch Ness-esque monster in their own body of water - that time I mentioned earlier with the crabbing, my friend’s dad started up about how we have to keep our eyes peeled for “Chessie”, a fearsome monster who is occasionally spotted near Baltimore. Without even consciously choosing that I was going to do this, I yelled “everyone knows Chessie is just a stupid manatee!” and chucked the Styrofoam container housing our captured crustaceans back into the bay. I get so mad that I pollute my state’s treasures and sentence myself to having to crab for several more hours when I have been done with crabbing since before we even got on the boat. That is how much I hate these kinds of legends. My dad also claims that, when I was showing off my fifth grade project for Maryland Day (it was a shoebox diorama with drawings of the Creatures of the Chesapeake), someone asked if I was going to honor Chessie, and I refused to even acknowledge the question. I don’t remember that! But it sounds like me. You have to choose your battles and this is mine. Never look back, never regret.
“Please tell us more boring and extremely Maryland-specific stories” - No one. “It’s really fun to force a legend that we have a Loch Ness monster type thing for no reason” - Karen, obviously.
Chapter 10
A few days go by, and the 3Ms have failed to catch either fish or glimpses of this stupid monster. They are trying all kinds of bait, and Karen sniffs that these fish are freeloading without sticking around to meet their benefactors, as though the fish are being rude by not wanting to be eaten. Daddy thinks they need to use worms, but I don’t know why it’s a bait problem if the bait is getting eaten. Do you have to spear the worms to get them to stay on? Fishing suddenly feels very macabre.
Meanwhile, the closest thing anyone has to success is when Nancy accidentally hooks Karen’s shirt and then squeals. Emily Michelle does catch something with her play pole, but they throw it back because it’s not fully grown. Then Mary Anne and Kristy get some inspiration from lures and how they look like they might make pretty earrings. Holy shit no wonder Claudia is able to get away with so much stuff.
Chapter 11
Wednesday comes and goes without catching any fish. There are still way too many days until Sunday. Kristy and Mary Anne have started a business named “A-lure-ing Earrings by MAK”. They’ve already sold four pairs. Can no one in this series ever just relax? Or is this vacation just the most boring. Or both. Kristy smugs that they may need to go into the neighboring town and buy up all their fishing lures. Those assholes! There’s a fishing contest this Sunday and you’re all buying all the lures to make tacky jewelry? I am impressed.
Karen also can never relax so she wants to spend all day looking for the Shadow Lake monster. Daddy helps them construct a shelter (haha okay) and they don some green and brown for camo in case color differentiation is how the Shadow Monster perceives his surroundings. Let’s stake some out!
By ten AM they are totally dunzo with this operation. Stiff, dull-eyed, lunches already eaten because there was nothing else to do, they refuse to give in. They take some goofy pictures, play hangman, and then, but soft! Did ya’ll hear that? Was it the monster? Was it a righteous and indignant God who cannot bear His children to believe in some false creatures? Or was it my ideal situation, a sudden and ferocious downpour, right on the 3Ms’ bored and boring heads? Why yes - the sky opens up.
Chapter 12
The shelter doesn’t actually do what the name claims it does, because this rain is undeterred. That’s fine. I’m fine with it. The 3Ms are also, apparently, fine with it, and do not opt to abandon their search. Hannie, no lie, says “Sometimes rain makes me feel sad”. Hannie I have had it up to here with your shit. You can’t see me but I’m holding up my hand at like, eye-level when I say that. I think this makes the fifth occasion when you just start in with some moony-eyed nonsense that drags the rest of the group down. I am trying to enjoy your mild misfortune but you just can’t let anything just be.
They’re sad again that they won’t be with their dads on Father’s Day, and Karen just looks off at the rain, because she can’t relate to this brand of anguish. Man, I’ll never take Andrew or Natalie for granted again, because without them, I have no muse.
Karen suddenly says “my eyes grew big”, which is a very normal thing to say as a first person narrator. Perfect. She’s hatching one of her “gigundoly brilliant ideas”. I am sure this is not an understatement.
Then - more noise! Noisy noise. Karen stresses that it might be the monster coming to eat three little girls for lunch. Obviously that is not for true, so what could it be but - Keegan (a boy)! He’s looking for worms in the rain. Jesus Christ, these people are the worst at being on vacation. He asks if they want to come look as well. Considering Karen didn’t even want to look at a worm to bait her hook some days ago, I’m not sure why the next line is “It did not take us long to say yes”.
Chapter 13
Worm hunting in the rain, aww yis. Karen makes an acrostic poem, either in her head or in hind-sight as the narrator, about worms. The “s” is for stretchy. I do not know why there’s just a poem in this beginning of this chapter, because no one needed to learn what the main characteristics of worms are. Mild-mannered, got it.
Karen takes a break from Robert Frost-ing to tell us that Hannie’s “long dark pigtails streamed wetly down her back”. Aside from “wetly”, that was a very good descriptive sentence! Does our ghostwriter have secret dreams of poetry? That comes in small bursts and then dies, like the most peculiar firework? Aww. I support your dreams.
Meanwhile, they find some worms. Karen & co are still pretty grossed out at the prospect of touching these creatures, although Karen gives them credit for helping plants grow.
Some amount of time later, who knows, seriously, they’ve corralled a whole bunch into some coffee cans. Keegan is going to sell them to the grocery store like he’s in Gummo or something, how many minors are going to build up a business in this book? Everyone go take a nap.
Karen is going to give her worms to Daddy for his special day. Hannie broods. Keegan stammers that his parents may be divorcing, and he doesn’t know if he’ll even be able to see his dad. He also tells Nancy that fish love bologna. This guy. The fish whisperer (fishperer). Karen gets a gleam in her pink glasses and tells Keegan he can come on Watson’s boat for the big contest! Some other person’s dad is basically like having your own dad. He seems cheered and runs off. Thanks, Keegan. Use us for labor in procuring more worms, score a boat ride, and then just dip. Guess he got what he wanted. We should’ve kept this as the week of No Boys.
Chapter 14
Everyone gets some materials to make Fathers’ Day cards. Kristy says “May I join you?” so formally, and Karen asides to us that Mr. Thomas seldom makes an appearance in the live of her step-siblings. She doesn’t come out and say that his absenteeism is because Kristy is so weirdly formal and probably a robot, but I don’t think I’m wrong in saying that it’s strongly implied. Why do they have glitter at their lakehouse? I’m pleased with it, though.
Karen reflects that it’s awful pleasant to have all these girls around with no boys, making cards for what are, after all, some grown boys. Hannie (of course) stresses that her card may not arrive on time. Meanwhile, Li’l Brewer’s plan has just kept on brewing, and Liz winks at her. That’s how you know.
They check their abandoned shelter, and find the scraps from their lunches yesterday have disappeared. Ergo, the monster is real. Satisfied with this, the three put some Cheetos on their fishing lines. It does not work. Then they try raisins, and Nancy nets a big one. Daddy runs from wherever he’d been, and tells Nancy they’ll eat her fish on Sunday. It’s Thursday.
Chapter 15
Everyone goes out to dinner, and the hostess says “You must have left some kids at home! There are only eight of you.” I don’t really get why she says that. Is it a joke? A joke about how they have too many children, what’s wrong with them? Or does the hostess remember the family from before, and knows that there should be roughly seventeen more humans in attendance? I’m serious. I hate that I don’t get this at all.
Once seated, Hancy are pulling some faces. You don’t see Mary Anne crying about missing her dad, do you? No you don’t. If she’s fine, you should definitely be fine. They act like the day before Fathers’ Day is also a holiday, which, it isn’t, and I can’t believe no one cops to the fact that Karen and parents have invited both their families to the lakehouse. Sorry if you didn’t see that coming, but a) you should’ve, and b) giving away spoilers is kind of my deal.
Back to my original point - isn’t it cruel and weird to just watch Hannie and Nancy be so miserable, knowing that their blues are entirely without cause? Kristy points out some women who are wearing the earrings she and Mary Anne made. Sorry about your feelings, Hancy, but maybe it’ll cheer you to know that those two are turning a profit.
Karen realizes she never got permission from Daddy to invite Keegan, so she does. He says no. What a joke! Fatherhood is a joke. Karen basically says as much, and then Elizabeth says they can work something out. Daddy sadly resigns himself to the fact that his precious boat will be overrun by unfeeling children, and everyone shares a laugh.
Chapter 16
Saturday dawns, wet and dreary. Hancy wake up with frowns on their faces, even though they got to sleep in different beds again last night. Never 4get. Karen brushes off their stupid qualms and says maybe Elizabeth will make them waffles, and those waffles can fill the fatherless void. Hannie uses Nancy’s sleeve to wipe the snot off her face and says “Okay”. Waffles are eaten, they do a confusing art project, and then they flop on the couches. After a little while, Karen tells us that if she hadn’t known that her friends’ moods would be improved post-haste, she “would have gotten impatient”. Karen, you came back! Some other girl has been here this whole time, and she was someone both better and much, much worse than you.
Almost lunchtime, and instead of telling us exactly what everyone ate, Karen tells us that the noise of car engines announce a surprise! The surprise is that Nancy’s whole family, Hannie’s whole family, and also all those other Thomas dudes have come up for the weekend! Kristy is like “whoa who is taking care of the pets” and Charlie handwaves and invents a friend.
Chapter 17
That night, everyone goes to dinner at that restaurant, I guess as a way of telling that hostess to get stuffed. A bunch of women are wearing those stupid earrings, and the main event is that David Michael got a cheesecake dessert, didn’t like it, and gave it to Karen. She is seriously so glad about this. Highlight of the vacation! What is her deal with food in this book? I am starting to worry a little bit.
Chapter 18
The 3Ms awaken early the next morning to set up for Fathers’ Day. It mostly involves setting the table, and … yeah, mostly that that table thing. Karen goes to get her worms, but lo! Where are those guys? Karen knows what she must do - run around banging on a pot and yelling “Worm alert!” Everyone is groggy at first and then like, “Oh, Klassic Karen”. Is it? This isn’t really calling any other capers to mind.
Everyone runs around and finds worms everywhere, puts them in the can, and giggle a lot. Karen is disappointed that her father’s present was more of a huge inconvenience, but he says “Thank you” anyway. Dad announces that he rented two more boats, and that Mr. Dawes and Mrs. Papadakis will be the two captains. At least now there’s room for Keegan (still a boy, probably).
Chapter 19
Second-to-last-chapter and the fishing trip is just now starting. Who was on this book-naming committee? Fire them. Hire me. I have ideas.
Karen gives us Keegan’s outfit description - shorts and a t-shirt. This is the first outfit description all book, so why does she…why. The boat sets sail, or whatever it’s called when it’s not a sailboat but it goes to deeper water. Everyone is taking pictures, and please don’t show any of them to me. I’ll just use my imagination. And picture something better.
Keegan catches a fish! It’s a trout. That’s…good? It’s good. Congratulations, Keegan. I hope this helps ease the pain of your parents’ separation. Cuddle that fish. Daddy catches loads of fish, crediting Karen’s worms. Karen cannot even deal with how gross putting a worm on a hook is. Karen hypothesizes that she can’t catch a fish because they’re vegetarians, even though she’s using popcorn as bait and Daddy is using worms and succeeding. That theory makes no sense!
Karen catches a baseball glove and it is embarrassing unfunny. I can’t even finish the passage because I’m cringing for the ghostwriter. Go back to poems! Jokes are not something you seem familiar with. Let’s move on.
Chapter 20
Karen wins an award for “Most Original Fish Caught”. Sorry - NO SHE DOES NOT THAT CANNOT BE A THING. If she hadn’t caught some garbage for the sake of a garbage joke, who would that award have gone to? David Michael’s bluegill that is getting kind of into grunge again and getting its gills pierced? That is not a prize. Shenanigans. Go to jail, ghostwriter. Then burn the jail down and sweep the ashes into Shadow Lake for the Lake Monster to choke on.
Keegan comes to say goodbye, and Karen gives him impending divorce-kid advice. I’m sure it’s nourishing for his soul. Still can’t believe this award bullshit.
The 3Ms have gotten their pictures developed, hahaha oh the past. Karen is very pleased with her five packages of photos. She’s going to send some to her Chicago-house family, some for Keegan, some for her personal album, holy moly. There’s an illustration, and one feels that this would be a good way to show us some of these amazing pictures, but instead we see the 3Ms looking at pictures we can’t see, don’t these people know how their medium works? If you are a writer and your character tells a story, you can reproduce that story with the words you’re using to tell the main story, instead of just telling us about three girls listening to a story. And if you’re an illustrator and what you have to show is photos, having us look at someone looking at photos is kind of too much.
I guess at the end of the day, the currency of friendship is our shared experience with our loved ones, and what we remember most of all is not the details, but how we felt experiencing and resharing them. That’s what summer is. A word that contains a million feelings that are defined by virture of being fleeting. Also UM KAREN DID NOT WIN THAT AWARD THAT IS NOT AN AWARD LET THAT BE THE MAIN TAKEAWAY FORGET ALL THOSE OTHER WORDS I TYPED TAKE BACK THE NIGHT.
At the end they see a picture that they think is proof of that monster so…I am just going to never interact with another human again. I don’t think I can relate to anyone after this.