Little Sister Playground Games
I was poking around my favorite used bookstore and found this.
From the back cover:
Do you like to play on the playground as much as Karen? Here is a book of Karen's favorite games. Some you can play alone and others you can play with friends. So, grab your special chalk, string, and jacks and try out all of Karen's playground games like hopscotch, cat's cradle, freeze tag, and lots more. And when you're ready to take a break, there are even jokes to tell and snacks to make. Take it from Karen-playgrounds are a great place to play games.
I gather the book originally came packaged with said chalk, string, and jacks.
On the first page there's a line with "This book belongs to . . ." lest jealousy make a thief out of one of my recess-happy friends.
The table of contents claims that the book is divided into sections: ball games, chalk games, talking games, jacks games, string games, and jokes and snacks. In reality, the jokes and snacks are scattered all over the book and the chalk gets mixed with the string, etc. So much for that.
It gets weird right away. From the introduction: Karen didn't know how much fun ball games could be until she joined Kristy's Krushers . . . Now Home Run Karen loves any game that uses a ball. You will, too!
This makes no sense whatsoever. Karen enjoyed softball so much that now when she hears the rules of, say, Flip the Penny, she's all "OMG it has a ball! A BALL! It must be gigundo bullfrogloads of fun!!1!"?
Not every game is stupid enough to snark, so I'm only including the highlights.
Snapper Clapper
The first game is called Snapper Clapper. You toss a ball in the air and clap your hands once before catching it. Then you toss it and clap twice before catching it. See how many times you can clap before the ball drops.
I'm guessing this is not a high-scoring game. I tried playing and the best I could do was 3. That's probably about the sound barrier on this one. What fun!
Flip the Penny
You flip a penny. With a ball. That's not what caught my attention. The intro talked about how Karen found a penny once and it brought her both good and bad luck. She found a wallet and got a reward, but then "she spent all the reward money and almost didn't get to go to her favorite amusement park."
When did this happen? She spent all the money, but it was only going to be pocket money anyway. The adults were paying the admission and food. She couldn't load up on Funland crap and look like the girl in the commercial, true, but her trip was never in danger. (And $100 wouldn't have made her look like that girl anyway. A Jerzees tee at a craft store is $4. Slap a Funland logo on it and suddenly it's $24.95).
Steal the Bacon
There are two teams. Each player on each team gets a number (meaning you'll have someone on the other team with the same number as you). The teams line up facing each other. The captain places the ball on the ground between the teams and calls out a number. The two opponents with that number run for the ball. Whoever gets it has to run back to their team without being tagged.
Fine. Who the hell decided the ball was "bacon" and needed to be stolen? Why bacon?
Now we come to a joke and a snack which are not only not in the Jokes and Snacks section at the end of the book where they belong, but aren't even listed in the ToC. They couldn't even organize a 60-page book. Anyway, the "snack" involves cutting the top off a lemon (excuse me, that part requires a grown-up) and sucking the juice out with a peppermint stick.
There are two things wrong with this. One, usually when I'm on the playground I don't happen to have handy a lemon, a peppermint stick, and a grown-up with a knife. At least not all at once. Second, I've heard this peppermint stick thing referenced in Reminisce magazine and the Vermont Country Store catalog repeatedly, and I must be dumber than shit or have less-than-stellar suction *cough*, because I've never been able to get jack squat to come up through that candy stick.
After a few more games not really worth snarking, we come to another recessy-type snack: fruit fondue. Basically a bunch of exotic fruit chunks dipped via toothpick in yogurt mixed with brown sugar. I'd really like to know how long these kids get for recess, for one thing, and for another, doesn't recess usually follow lunch? Anyway, you dip your fruit in the yogurt sugar thing, "but watch out for the toothpicks."
Good thing we included that. I know when I was Karen's age, I had trouble eating food off toothpicks without accidentally swallowing the toothpick or jamming it into my eye. I was also prone to drooling.
It's joke time again. Who had a time-out for causing trouble? Hankie Pankie!
I stared at that for about five minutes and gave up. If someone gets it . . . don't tell me.
Now for a rhyme.
I had a nickel and I walked around the block.
I walked right into the bakery shop.
I grabbed a doughnut right from the grease,
and handed the lady the five-cent piece.
The lady looked at the nickel and she looked at me.
She said, "This money's no good to me.
There's a hole in the nickel and it goes straight through."
Said I, "There's a hole in the doughnut, too!"
Thanks for the doughnut.
So long.
I wonder why these rhymes always assume that we're (a) mind-numbingly stupid, and (b) living in the 1890s. There was a rhyme earlier in the book:
Hippity hop to the sweet shop
to buy a bar of candy.
One for Karen, one for Nancy,
and one, of course, for Hannie.
I feel like only by the grace of this being Little Sister-themed did we escape it reading:
One for Elspeth, one for Bertha
and one, of course, for Fanny.
Here, let me bring this doughnut thing into the 2000s:
I had a nickel and walked four miles.
I wandered through Kroger's bakery aisles.
I took a cold doughnut with a wax-paper crease,
and handed the cashier my five-cent piece.
She looked at the nickel and she looked at me.
She said, "This money's no good to me.
The doughnut costs a dollar, so this isn't enough."
Said I, "I'm the 99 percent, so tough."
Thanks, bitch.
Later.
John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt
This wouldn't be a book of playground games without John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt. I loathe that song. It's not the inanity that gets me. I mean, I love The Song That Doesn't End. It has a nice soothing rhythm and I sing it sometimes while I'm vacuuming or cleaning the tub. I've never liked John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt. It has no point. It isn't sung so much as chanted. And the words mean less than nothing. It's like reverse nothing. It's musical antimatter. It's the counterpoint of LIFE.
John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt
That's my name too!
Poetry. Pure poetry.
The Poisonous Peanut Butter Pit
One player puts on a blindfold. Another player scatters objects around the room and then has to guide the blindfolded person across the room without touching that person or letting that person touch the objects. Fine. But the reason you're not supposed to touch the objects is because we're pretending they're made of poisonous peanut butter. Much like Steal the Bacon, I have to wonder. Why poisonous peanut butter? Because it's less scary than "trip wire in the jungle with Charlie watching from the trees"?
Boo-Boo and Emily Junior, or Cat and Mouse
You will need: a dining-room table and two blindfolds. Great. I'll get them from the grown-up who got my diced fruit and yogurt and lopped the top off my lemon. Because if there's one thing the playground monitors love, it's running around fetching fruit and furniture for a bunch of screaming brats with ADHD.
One player is the cat and the other is the mouse. You move blindfolded around the table, always keeping your fingertips on the edge, and try not to get caught by the "cat." Btw, "You will need to move the chairs away from the table to play this game."
We. Are on. A PLAYGROUND. Jesus.
Getting the Giggles
Everyone lies faceup on the floor. (Of the playground). Each player puts his or her head on the stomach of the player ahead of him or her.
The first person says, "Ha!" Then the next person says, "Ha ha," the next person says, "Ha ha ha," and so on. When you reach the end, start all over again, with even more "Ha ha has!"
When people giggle, their tummies bounce up and down. That can feel pretty funny when your head is resting on one of those bouncing tummies. Before you know it, everyone will have the giggles!
Or whiplash. Seriously, this is ridiculous anyway, but also it isn't going to be long before somebody farts and the whole thing ends in tears.
Snap the Whip: A Game for Six or More Players
1. Split yourselves evenly into two teams. Each team forms a straight line, one player in front of the other. Each player holds onto the teammate in front of her by placing her arms around his or her waist. No one is allowed to let go.
2. The last person in each line tucks the end of a handkerchief into his or her pocket.
3. It is up to the first person in line to snatch the handkerchief from the last person in the other team's line.
4. The first team to get the other team's handkerchief wins.
Otherwise known as Little Sister #123: Karen's Human Centipede: Full Sequence.
From the back cover:
Do you like to play on the playground as much as Karen? Here is a book of Karen's favorite games. Some you can play alone and others you can play with friends. So, grab your special chalk, string, and jacks and try out all of Karen's playground games like hopscotch, cat's cradle, freeze tag, and lots more. And when you're ready to take a break, there are even jokes to tell and snacks to make. Take it from Karen-playgrounds are a great place to play games.
I gather the book originally came packaged with said chalk, string, and jacks.
On the first page there's a line with "This book belongs to . . ." lest jealousy make a thief out of one of my recess-happy friends.
The table of contents claims that the book is divided into sections: ball games, chalk games, talking games, jacks games, string games, and jokes and snacks. In reality, the jokes and snacks are scattered all over the book and the chalk gets mixed with the string, etc. So much for that.
It gets weird right away. From the introduction: Karen didn't know how much fun ball games could be until she joined Kristy's Krushers . . . Now Home Run Karen loves any game that uses a ball. You will, too!
This makes no sense whatsoever. Karen enjoyed softball so much that now when she hears the rules of, say, Flip the Penny, she's all "OMG it has a ball! A BALL! It must be gigundo bullfrogloads of fun!!1!"?
Not every game is stupid enough to snark, so I'm only including the highlights.
Snapper Clapper
The first game is called Snapper Clapper. You toss a ball in the air and clap your hands once before catching it. Then you toss it and clap twice before catching it. See how many times you can clap before the ball drops.
I'm guessing this is not a high-scoring game. I tried playing and the best I could do was 3. That's probably about the sound barrier on this one. What fun!
Flip the Penny
You flip a penny. With a ball. That's not what caught my attention. The intro talked about how Karen found a penny once and it brought her both good and bad luck. She found a wallet and got a reward, but then "she spent all the reward money and almost didn't get to go to her favorite amusement park."
When did this happen? She spent all the money, but it was only going to be pocket money anyway. The adults were paying the admission and food. She couldn't load up on Funland crap and look like the girl in the commercial, true, but her trip was never in danger. (And $100 wouldn't have made her look like that girl anyway. A Jerzees tee at a craft store is $4. Slap a Funland logo on it and suddenly it's $24.95).
Steal the Bacon
There are two teams. Each player on each team gets a number (meaning you'll have someone on the other team with the same number as you). The teams line up facing each other. The captain places the ball on the ground between the teams and calls out a number. The two opponents with that number run for the ball. Whoever gets it has to run back to their team without being tagged.
Fine. Who the hell decided the ball was "bacon" and needed to be stolen? Why bacon?
Now we come to a joke and a snack which are not only not in the Jokes and Snacks section at the end of the book where they belong, but aren't even listed in the ToC. They couldn't even organize a 60-page book. Anyway, the "snack" involves cutting the top off a lemon (excuse me, that part requires a grown-up) and sucking the juice out with a peppermint stick.
There are two things wrong with this. One, usually when I'm on the playground I don't happen to have handy a lemon, a peppermint stick, and a grown-up with a knife. At least not all at once. Second, I've heard this peppermint stick thing referenced in Reminisce magazine and the Vermont Country Store catalog repeatedly, and I must be dumber than shit or have less-than-stellar suction *cough*, because I've never been able to get jack squat to come up through that candy stick.
After a few more games not really worth snarking, we come to another recessy-type snack: fruit fondue. Basically a bunch of exotic fruit chunks dipped via toothpick in yogurt mixed with brown sugar. I'd really like to know how long these kids get for recess, for one thing, and for another, doesn't recess usually follow lunch? Anyway, you dip your fruit in the yogurt sugar thing, "but watch out for the toothpicks."
Good thing we included that. I know when I was Karen's age, I had trouble eating food off toothpicks without accidentally swallowing the toothpick or jamming it into my eye. I was also prone to drooling.
It's joke time again. Who had a time-out for causing trouble? Hankie Pankie!
I stared at that for about five minutes and gave up. If someone gets it . . . don't tell me.
Now for a rhyme.
I had a nickel and I walked around the block.
I walked right into the bakery shop.
I grabbed a doughnut right from the grease,
and handed the lady the five-cent piece.
The lady looked at the nickel and she looked at me.
She said, "This money's no good to me.
There's a hole in the nickel and it goes straight through."
Said I, "There's a hole in the doughnut, too!"
Thanks for the doughnut.
So long.
I wonder why these rhymes always assume that we're (a) mind-numbingly stupid, and (b) living in the 1890s. There was a rhyme earlier in the book:
Hippity hop to the sweet shop
to buy a bar of candy.
One for Karen, one for Nancy,
and one, of course, for Hannie.
I feel like only by the grace of this being Little Sister-themed did we escape it reading:
One for Elspeth, one for Bertha
and one, of course, for Fanny.
Here, let me bring this doughnut thing into the 2000s:
I had a nickel and walked four miles.
I wandered through Kroger's bakery aisles.
I took a cold doughnut with a wax-paper crease,
and handed the cashier my five-cent piece.
She looked at the nickel and she looked at me.
She said, "This money's no good to me.
The doughnut costs a dollar, so this isn't enough."
Said I, "I'm the 99 percent, so tough."
Thanks, bitch.
Later.
John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt
This wouldn't be a book of playground games without John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt. I loathe that song. It's not the inanity that gets me. I mean, I love The Song That Doesn't End. It has a nice soothing rhythm and I sing it sometimes while I'm vacuuming or cleaning the tub. I've never liked John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt. It has no point. It isn't sung so much as chanted. And the words mean less than nothing. It's like reverse nothing. It's musical antimatter. It's the counterpoint of LIFE.
John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt
That's my name too!
Poetry. Pure poetry.
The Poisonous Peanut Butter Pit
One player puts on a blindfold. Another player scatters objects around the room and then has to guide the blindfolded person across the room without touching that person or letting that person touch the objects. Fine. But the reason you're not supposed to touch the objects is because we're pretending they're made of poisonous peanut butter. Much like Steal the Bacon, I have to wonder. Why poisonous peanut butter? Because it's less scary than "trip wire in the jungle with Charlie watching from the trees"?
Boo-Boo and Emily Junior, or Cat and Mouse
You will need: a dining-room table and two blindfolds. Great. I'll get them from the grown-up who got my diced fruit and yogurt and lopped the top off my lemon. Because if there's one thing the playground monitors love, it's running around fetching fruit and furniture for a bunch of screaming brats with ADHD.
One player is the cat and the other is the mouse. You move blindfolded around the table, always keeping your fingertips on the edge, and try not to get caught by the "cat." Btw, "You will need to move the chairs away from the table to play this game."
We. Are on. A PLAYGROUND. Jesus.
Getting the Giggles
Everyone lies faceup on the floor. (Of the playground). Each player puts his or her head on the stomach of the player ahead of him or her.
The first person says, "Ha!" Then the next person says, "Ha ha," the next person says, "Ha ha ha," and so on. When you reach the end, start all over again, with even more "Ha ha has!"
When people giggle, their tummies bounce up and down. That can feel pretty funny when your head is resting on one of those bouncing tummies. Before you know it, everyone will have the giggles!
Or whiplash. Seriously, this is ridiculous anyway, but also it isn't going to be long before somebody farts and the whole thing ends in tears.
Snap the Whip: A Game for Six or More Players
1. Split yourselves evenly into two teams. Each team forms a straight line, one player in front of the other. Each player holds onto the teammate in front of her by placing her arms around his or her waist. No one is allowed to let go.
2. The last person in each line tucks the end of a handkerchief into his or her pocket.
3. It is up to the first person in line to snatch the handkerchief from the last person in the other team's line.
4. The first team to get the other team's handkerchief wins.
Otherwise known as Little Sister #123: Karen's Human Centipede: Full Sequence.