Slam Book Part 4: Slamming the Slam Book Door
Hey guys, sorry for super-obnoxiously clogging your flists. But I've spent an embarrassing part of my workday wrestling with my computer to post this, and I really wanted it done for the weekend, so I didn't trim it as I probably should have. Next time I'll bring twizzlers and rainbow stickers in my Kid-Kit, I promise.
Chapter Twenty
(content note: attempted suicide by overdose, details under cut)
Anna, Randy, and Jessie are at Randy’s, psyched to hear a new “five-record album” by “PT and the Uptown Boys” that comes in a “handsome box.” In 1987, I think I maybe listened to Broadway musicals, hippie folk music my parents liked, and my view of “cool” music was probably Jem, so I have no idea if this is a reasonable cipher, or more Ann on the crack.
They’re all reverently opening the box when the phone rings, and for reasons of contrivance, Anna answers it. It’s Paige, sounding slurred and confused. (Ann seems to really enjoy writing drunk people as all saying “thish” and “of coursh”. . .was that kid Nonie in Summer Vacation drunk?)
[OD cut]
Anna asks if she’s drunk and Paige says she wanted to tell them about her valium and vodka “crocktail.” Anna panics and Randy urges her to find out where Paige is, and they guess she’s in her room, although Paige gives answers like “shnug ash a rug in a bug. . .bug in a rug” and “”Where am I? I don’t know? I don’t even know who I am.” Randy’s mom shows up, and Randy, thankfully, immediately clues her in and Mrs. Taylor instructs them to send the paramedics to Paige’s house, while she arranges childcare for Randy’s sister and then takes them all over to the Beaulacs. I’m not actually sure the latter is the wisest choice, but Mrs. Taylor is still in the running for best living parent in Calvin.
So they zip off to Paige’s house just in time to see her being wheeled out on a stretcher. Savanna, the housekeeper, is shocked, because Paige seemed to be in such a good mood earlier. This must be, like, the one thing Ann knows about suicide, because I’m pretty sure it’s reused in the Ducky California Diary when his friend attempts suicide.
So they go to the hospital, and I know this was pre-HIPPA, but I don’t really think the receptionist should be all “Oh, yeah, the overdose,” when they ask about her. Anyway, the doctors stabilize Paige and Mrs. Taylor is explaining all this and Anna breaks down in hysterics screaming “It’s all my fault,”, which also sets Jessie off.
Chapter Twenty-One
Anna’s parents collect her from the hospital and put her to bed, and she tells them about the slam book. And the Wallace parents are like, “well, gosh golly gee, that’s not so bad.” Anna insists people started using the slam book “the wrong way,” just to hurt people or mess with them, like that wasn’t inherent in the whole fucking premise. She points out Paige’s first comment about Gooz, and Mr. Wallace is like, “Your Gooz,” because no one in this family can follow the fucking point. Then Anna shows them the Oreo comment and Mr. Wallace is all, “My precious princess did nothing wrong, it was all that evil hoor Paige!”
So then she tells them about the whole Cheryl plot, and pretty much every word is replete with Not Getting It, since she still sees the whole thing as a joke on Paige. Mrs. Wallace at least points out that Anna used Cheryl, and Anna says, “I know, I know.” Then Anna explains how the faux-date was the night Cheryl killed herself, and bursts into tears again. Mrs. Wallace responds by shaking her and saying that what Anna did was wrong and “unforgivable,” but Cheryl and Paige were already troubled to begin with.
And the thing is? I agree, in theory, that it’s generally fruitless to assign or take on blame for causing another person to attempt or commit suicide, and I’ve seen that used in really crappy ways. But the way this whole speech is delivered still totally undermines the serious cruelty of what Anna did. This was not a chance remark at the wrong time; this was a campaign of cruelty and humiliation that wasn’t even aimed at the real victim. Mrs. Wallace joins the Not Getting It Club by asking if Randy would have slit her wrists if Anna had played the date prank on her, and when Anna says no, Mrs. Wallace is all, that’s right, because she’s a well-adjusted young woman who handles problems in a healthy way. But the whole comparison is asinine-Anna specifically singled Cheryl out because she was pathetic and “desperate,” and essentially cannon fodder. Treating this as a prank gone wrong is so fucked up I can’t even. And also, nice, Mrs. Wallace, how this totally comes off as victim-blaming. No wonder your kid is such a piece of work. Mr. Wallace is all, “Paige didn’t really want to kill herself anyway, so what matters is that you saved her life.”
Then they go off and parent-conference. So what discipline will Anna receive for her “unforgivable” actions? She has to go tell Paige, in person, what she did, which is immediately met with a Karen Brewer-ish “Oh, Dad.” And she has to throw away the slam book. And that’s it. Even her parents don’t think of Cheryl as more than collateral damage. I hate them all. Oh, and she has to talk to a counselor, which Anna first shrieks at but then is like, “Okay, I’ll try anything once,” and her mother is like “Oh dear” and a jolly hug was had by all.
Then Jessie calls and tells Anna that she and her father had a long talk, and she convinced him to call the drug hotline about Jack by comparing his drug use to a form of suicide. Anna is shocked! at this radical idea, but Jessie goes on to say that she found out her parents have actually been in touch (why all the drama, Mrs. Smith?). the divorce papers are being drawn up, and Jessie is probably going to move to NYC. And Anna cries more. “She felt as if all the people she cared about were slipping away from her and she was powerless to stop them.” And yeah, this probably is age-appropriate selfishness, but after this whole book? STFU, Anna. Yeah, you’re powerless to force people to sacrifice their own needs or desires for your personal pleasure. Life sucks, hey?
Chapter Twenty-Two
Anna goes to “confront” Paige at the hospital. This may be a nitpick on my part, but I’m really suspicious when people use the verb “confront” unnecessarily, when "speak with" would do. The fact that Anna (and Ann) see this as a confrontation speaks volumes from the Not Getting It Library.
Paige, in her private room, has tons of flowers; Mrs. Beaulac decided her almost dead daughter wasn’t popular enough and arranged an automatic delivery every day. Okay. Paige is less than thrilled to see Anna, even though Anna brought her white chocolate, “the first thing she ever shoplifted.” That’s. . .sweet?
Anna pulls out the slam book and Paige cries that she never wants to see it again, but Anna shows her Cheryl’s page and confesses to writing the “nice” comments in Paige’s scrawl. “It was just a joke. You were being so horrible, and I wanted to get back at you, so I fixed it so Cheryl would start hanging around and embarrassing you. Really, I only thought it was funny.”
Then Anna explains about the note, and when Paige yells at her, she immediately gets all defensive, saying that she wasn’t the one who yelled at Cheryl. A nurse comes in and tells them to be quiet, apparently not noticing the distress of her still-on-suicide-watch patient, and then Anna regurgitates her mother’s comments about how neither of them to blame. She says she’s played “plenty of jokes” on people who didn’t then commit suicide and OMG, the idea that she’s still acting like she called Cheryl to ask if her refrigerator was running is unbelievable.
Anna says her parents are “making her” throw the slam book away and Paige is like, “no shit,” and then Anna leaves and apparently they don’t see each other for two years, which the narrator is totally ponderous and dramatic about.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Two months in the future. Jessie is living with her mother in New York. Paige is off to a British boarding school, but feeling optimistic about a fresh start. Randy tells her mother she’s actually relieved their little clique broke down, because she felt trapped. She thinks Anna misses being the center of attention (I bet she does), but she’s still going out with Gooz and might try out for basketball.
Then Randy says that she feels like a shell on the beach no one notices. “And a wave comes along and washes over me, then recedes, and I’m still right there on the beach, no one noticing me.”
Mrs. Taylor says that is a beautiful description of adolescence, and it’s sweet that she’s all supportive of her daughter’s emo moment, but I get the distinct feeling that 30 year old Ann thought she was pretty boss when she penned that gem. Also, there’s a new boy in school who might call Randy, and Ann doesn’t even mention if he’s black!
Anna’s sister (remember her?) calls to say she’s had her new baby, and for some unfathomable reason, they’ve named her after Anna, and Anna muses about all the things she will teach little Anna, like baseball and baking and not opening slam books.
The Goddamned Fucking End.
Sorry, guys, that was more rage-snark and less fun-snark. But honestly, I kind of entertained myself dancing with Ann’s shadow-side, and I suppose it was at least more interesting than the bio. See you back in Stoneybrook, where the creepy Stepford innocence and reset buttons are looking a lot better.