Mallory Hates Boys and Gym (1-5)
Oh my lord, THIS BOOK. This book was just so hilariously ridiculous that I collaboratively laughed and facepalmed. Mallory is a very likable character to read about (even moreso than Claudia, actually), but she is a complete and total nutter in this book. I can't really sympathize much with her in this book, probably because I am a HUGE jock and gym class was my LIFE in high school, and I used to give the Mallory types as hard a time as Miss Walden and Helen Gallway give Mal. Someone just...not even bothering to TRY during a team sport in gym class was my number one pet peeve because it fucked up my whole team's game just 'cause Little Miss Ihategym wanted to stand there and do nothing when the ball came to her, and cost us a point. So I can't really sympathize with Mallory at all here, but I can laugh at her plight. Also, volleyball is my third-best sport (after hockey and Four Square).
Chapter 1
The Pike house is in UTTER PANDEMONIUM! (when is it not) and Mallory's siblings have to come up with all sorts of stupid "definitions" of the world pandemonium. Immediately, Mallory is used as free babysitting by her mother, and Mallory glumly recalls how this happens all the time and she can literally be asked to sit at any moment, even when she's doing something important. Poor Mallory, you're one of the few cool BSC members. You deserve better than being used as free labor. ): Mallory says she and Ben have a study period planned and she can't watch Claire right now. I half expect Mrs. Pike to bring her to the guillotine to punish her babysitting slave for this rebellion, but instead she just tells her to watch Claire after dinner. Mallory has to make a giant-ass deal about Ben coming over to do homework, and goes over her appearance and even changes her clothes...not like she has any cool clothes anyway. Mallory muses over her appearance because she has an ohnoes big nose and oh noes braces!!! Then she talks for a page about Ben and says she wants an Australian accent just like his. I'm really surprised to see Margo being nice, since my first and only experience with Margo was in Karen's Mermaid, when she was an utter insufferable brat. I find it really sad that Mal can't even have a study period with her boyfriend without her obnoxious siblings (namely, her brothers) interrupting to make stupid jokes and sic the hamster on her and everything. It's really, really sad. Finally Ben realizes Mallory gets no respect around here and suggests they go to his house to work. Mallory muses over how great it must be at Ben's house since his brothers are supposedly angels.
Chapter 2
OH NO MALLORY'S ALMOST LATE FOR THE BSC MEETING but it's okay, she got there a second early so she gets to live. Her wonderful, wonderful BSC friends make fun of her for being at Ben's. The best friends you'll ever haaaaaave. Mary Anne isn't laughing and she actually stands up for Mallory in a rare moment of REAL sensitivity, but then she gets made fun of for being with Logan. What is this, first grade? Kristy tells them all to shut up 'cause the dictator is talking, then Mallory talks for pages and pages about shit we already know about the club and its members. But we get an awesome Claudia outfit, and it involves leotard tops, which are my favorite kind of shirts (I call them "spandex suit tops" though): baggy purple pants, a neon green leotard top, a red braided belt, and red ballet shoes. As usual, Jessi's only character trait is ballet and Stacey's only character traits are diabetes and New York. Meeting banter goes on, and then as they're leaving Jessi reminds Mallory that they've switched to volleyball in gym, and worse...they're playing with BOYS! OHHHHH NOOOOOO (it took until the early 90s to do co-ed gym classes?). Mallory acts like she's been told she's got six months to live.
Chapter 3
I lied about Mallory not having any cool clothes...a denim jumpsuit is pretty cool I guess, but only if you embellish it (preferably with spacesuit insignia). Mallory bitches and moans about gym and acts like being unathletic and uncoordinated is the WORST thing you could ever be. Also, they still used gym uniforms in public schools in the 90s? I thought that was done by the mid-80s, but what do I know, I was born in 1992. Mallory says she must've had a great aunt who died from embarrassment during a volleyball game and that's where she got her non-athlete "genes" from. I loled. Mallory is very witty, that's why I like her. Mallory wants to stay home from school, and her parents are actually considering it (what the hell, Pikes? She can't stay home from school EVERY gym class!) until her siblings ruin it and her father says nobody's staying home from school or else everyone has to. Mallory makes up all sorts of volleyball horrors in her head, her favorite being fainting after getting hit in the head with a ball, developing amnesia, and having everyone feel guilty for making her play. Then she decides she can get out of gym if she pretends to faint. Frankly, this is the part that makes me think this girl needs therapy. That is so far from a rational way of thinking that it's on an entirely different planet, even WITH hating gym. Mallory goes to the locker room, gets Jessi out of the way, and then does her faint thing. But the moron didn't have the sense to do it when everyone was in the locker room 'cause she was too busy worrying about Jessi, so nobody notices her 'cause they all left the room by now. Sorry, Mal, guess you're gonna have to stop being a wuss now. We meet Miss Walden, the Drill Sergeant Nasty of a gym teacher, except she's not that nasty (except what gym teacher says "get a move on?") She reminds me of one of my high school gym teachers who was pretty cool. She asks Mallory to carry the "pinnies" (jerseys/vests). Mallory has an overdramatic thing to say about those too. The pinnies are gonna turn into a transformer monster (the Pinnytron?) and murder her with their sweat-beams or something. I dunno, I don't get how Mallory's brain works in this book. Mallory is on the green team, and she "feels like she's walking in slow-motion. She had never been so aware of her arms anymore." IT'S VOLLEYBALL, NOT THE EFFING GUILLOTINE. Miss Walden is being kind of rude for yelling "MOVE, PIKE" though. That "Pike" thing bothers me. She has a first name, for Pete's sake. The game starts, and Mallory runs away from the ball like it's going to freaking bite her. She is justifiably called out by Helen, who I think is awesome, but it's too late; everyone knows Mal is the weakest link and they're gonna use that to their advantage. Of course, Mallory still doesn't even try and then gets huffy with her team for being mad at her. She refuses to move out of the way when Robbie is diving for a ball, so he collides with her and she gets knocked over. Miss Walden is not sympathetic because y'know, you're GOING to get slammed if you don't move out of the fucking way. Mallory silently curses Miss Walden as she goes back to the game, and proceeds to refuse to try some more.
Chapter 4
Mallory calls Robbie a jerk 'cause it's his fault she was just standing their gawking, and then she goes to sit for the Newtons, who she says are angels. But Jamie is acting up because he is jealous of his baby sister Lucy. Mallory is shocked because Jamie is usually well-behaved. Turns out he has a new best friend, Roger, who might be the cause of Jamie's bad behavior if it started after he met Roger. Lucy wakes up screaming and Mallory tends to her, and then Jamie goes missing. This is when I sympathize, 'cause it has to be nothing but terrifying for an 11-year-old to have her babysitting charge go missing...that's terrifying for a PARENT, much less an 11-year-old babysitter. Mallory checks everywhere for Jamie, tries to call Roger's house but the line is busy, and then starts getting scared because he could've gotten out and gotten hit by a car. Lucy craps her diaper, and now Mallory has to decide between getting outside to find Jamie as soon as possible and risking a diaper rash, or changing Lucy's diaper and risking Jamie getting hurt. But it turns out she doesn't have to do any of those things because Jamie jumps out and yells "Boo!" Okay, this is why I am not a babysitter, a parent, or anything having to do with childcare, because I would've BACKHANDED this kid. Jamie is being a total brat and doesn't give a crap, and Mallory calls him a "hider-head" and a "fighter-head" (real mature, Mallory. Let's get into an argument with the kid you're in charge of), causing him to run and knock over a vase. Then he plays with the broken glass. Poor Mallory, she never gets a break.
Chapter 5
Babysitting chapter with Jessi. Squirt's acting up just like Jamie.
Chapter 1
The Pike house is in UTTER PANDEMONIUM! (when is it not) and Mallory's siblings have to come up with all sorts of stupid "definitions" of the world pandemonium. Immediately, Mallory is used as free babysitting by her mother, and Mallory glumly recalls how this happens all the time and she can literally be asked to sit at any moment, even when she's doing something important. Poor Mallory, you're one of the few cool BSC members. You deserve better than being used as free labor. ): Mallory says she and Ben have a study period planned and she can't watch Claire right now. I half expect Mrs. Pike to bring her to the guillotine to punish her babysitting slave for this rebellion, but instead she just tells her to watch Claire after dinner. Mallory has to make a giant-ass deal about Ben coming over to do homework, and goes over her appearance and even changes her clothes...not like she has any cool clothes anyway. Mallory muses over her appearance because she has an ohnoes big nose and oh noes braces!!! Then she talks for a page about Ben and says she wants an Australian accent just like his. I'm really surprised to see Margo being nice, since my first and only experience with Margo was in Karen's Mermaid, when she was an utter insufferable brat. I find it really sad that Mal can't even have a study period with her boyfriend without her obnoxious siblings (namely, her brothers) interrupting to make stupid jokes and sic the hamster on her and everything. It's really, really sad. Finally Ben realizes Mallory gets no respect around here and suggests they go to his house to work. Mallory muses over how great it must be at Ben's house since his brothers are supposedly angels.
Chapter 2
OH NO MALLORY'S ALMOST LATE FOR THE BSC MEETING but it's okay, she got there a second early so she gets to live. Her wonderful, wonderful BSC friends make fun of her for being at Ben's. The best friends you'll ever haaaaaave. Mary Anne isn't laughing and she actually stands up for Mallory in a rare moment of REAL sensitivity, but then she gets made fun of for being with Logan. What is this, first grade? Kristy tells them all to shut up 'cause the dictator is talking, then Mallory talks for pages and pages about shit we already know about the club and its members. But we get an awesome Claudia outfit, and it involves leotard tops, which are my favorite kind of shirts (I call them "spandex suit tops" though): baggy purple pants, a neon green leotard top, a red braided belt, and red ballet shoes. As usual, Jessi's only character trait is ballet and Stacey's only character traits are diabetes and New York. Meeting banter goes on, and then as they're leaving Jessi reminds Mallory that they've switched to volleyball in gym, and worse...they're playing with BOYS! OHHHHH NOOOOOO (it took until the early 90s to do co-ed gym classes?). Mallory acts like she's been told she's got six months to live.
Chapter 3
I lied about Mallory not having any cool clothes...a denim jumpsuit is pretty cool I guess, but only if you embellish it (preferably with spacesuit insignia). Mallory bitches and moans about gym and acts like being unathletic and uncoordinated is the WORST thing you could ever be. Also, they still used gym uniforms in public schools in the 90s? I thought that was done by the mid-80s, but what do I know, I was born in 1992. Mallory says she must've had a great aunt who died from embarrassment during a volleyball game and that's where she got her non-athlete "genes" from. I loled. Mallory is very witty, that's why I like her. Mallory wants to stay home from school, and her parents are actually considering it (what the hell, Pikes? She can't stay home from school EVERY gym class!) until her siblings ruin it and her father says nobody's staying home from school or else everyone has to. Mallory makes up all sorts of volleyball horrors in her head, her favorite being fainting after getting hit in the head with a ball, developing amnesia, and having everyone feel guilty for making her play. Then she decides she can get out of gym if she pretends to faint. Frankly, this is the part that makes me think this girl needs therapy. That is so far from a rational way of thinking that it's on an entirely different planet, even WITH hating gym. Mallory goes to the locker room, gets Jessi out of the way, and then does her faint thing. But the moron didn't have the sense to do it when everyone was in the locker room 'cause she was too busy worrying about Jessi, so nobody notices her 'cause they all left the room by now. Sorry, Mal, guess you're gonna have to stop being a wuss now. We meet Miss Walden, the Drill Sergeant Nasty of a gym teacher, except she's not that nasty (except what gym teacher says "get a move on?") She reminds me of one of my high school gym teachers who was pretty cool. She asks Mallory to carry the "pinnies" (jerseys/vests). Mallory has an overdramatic thing to say about those too. The pinnies are gonna turn into a transformer monster (the Pinnytron?) and murder her with their sweat-beams or something. I dunno, I don't get how Mallory's brain works in this book. Mallory is on the green team, and she "feels like she's walking in slow-motion. She had never been so aware of her arms anymore." IT'S VOLLEYBALL, NOT THE EFFING GUILLOTINE. Miss Walden is being kind of rude for yelling "MOVE, PIKE" though. That "Pike" thing bothers me. She has a first name, for Pete's sake. The game starts, and Mallory runs away from the ball like it's going to freaking bite her. She is justifiably called out by Helen, who I think is awesome, but it's too late; everyone knows Mal is the weakest link and they're gonna use that to their advantage. Of course, Mallory still doesn't even try and then gets huffy with her team for being mad at her. She refuses to move out of the way when Robbie is diving for a ball, so he collides with her and she gets knocked over. Miss Walden is not sympathetic because y'know, you're GOING to get slammed if you don't move out of the fucking way. Mallory silently curses Miss Walden as she goes back to the game, and proceeds to refuse to try some more.
Chapter 4
Mallory calls Robbie a jerk 'cause it's his fault she was just standing their gawking, and then she goes to sit for the Newtons, who she says are angels. But Jamie is acting up because he is jealous of his baby sister Lucy. Mallory is shocked because Jamie is usually well-behaved. Turns out he has a new best friend, Roger, who might be the cause of Jamie's bad behavior if it started after he met Roger. Lucy wakes up screaming and Mallory tends to her, and then Jamie goes missing. This is when I sympathize, 'cause it has to be nothing but terrifying for an 11-year-old to have her babysitting charge go missing...that's terrifying for a PARENT, much less an 11-year-old babysitter. Mallory checks everywhere for Jamie, tries to call Roger's house but the line is busy, and then starts getting scared because he could've gotten out and gotten hit by a car. Lucy craps her diaper, and now Mallory has to decide between getting outside to find Jamie as soon as possible and risking a diaper rash, or changing Lucy's diaper and risking Jamie getting hurt. But it turns out she doesn't have to do any of those things because Jamie jumps out and yells "Boo!" Okay, this is why I am not a babysitter, a parent, or anything having to do with childcare, because I would've BACKHANDED this kid. Jamie is being a total brat and doesn't give a crap, and Mallory calls him a "hider-head" and a "fighter-head" (real mature, Mallory. Let's get into an argument with the kid you're in charge of), causing him to run and knock over a vase. Then he plays with the broken glass. Poor Mallory, she never gets a break.
Chapter 5
Babysitting chapter with Jessi. Squirt's acting up just like Jamie.