Mallory Pike, # 1 fan Chapter 1-5
Chapter 1
I’ve been doing this snark in my head since Monday. I really should stop snarking BSC books in my head and pay attention in school. Mallory tells us that she loves English class so much she’ll crawl 40 miles over broken glass just to attend, but today she loves it more than ever. Her teacher has given the class an ultra-cool assignment-to think about their future careers and do a project on it. That doesn’t seem overly exciting to me. I think we had this assignment in sixth grade as well. I’m not too sure. One of our classes was Advanced Communication Skills. We had to read a book and give a speech and write a paper. I don’t remember if one of the paper topics was writing about my future career choice. I think I did write something about why I wanted to be an author, but I think that was for a journal entry.
The teacher tells them that he doesn’t want a report on their prospective career choice. He wants to know why you chose this career, how it fits into your views on what matters in life, and what makes you drawn to this career choice? This is stupid. These kids are in sixth grade. It’s not as though they have a super developed world view. Aren’t you still learning about the world at that age and developing opinions? I dislike using the word slut to describe a girl’s appearance now, but I didn’t see a problem with my friend calling a girl slutty because of the way she was proportioned. I wanted to be an author in sixth grade. I didn’t think it revealed a lot about me, save for the fact that I liked to write. My worldviews really didn’t come into play, except the naïve view that I could become rich while doing something I liked.
Also, these kids are in sixth grade. What if they don’t know what they want to be when they grow up? I’m twenty and I still want to be an author, but I doubt I’m going to get rich enough to afford my own place and cat just on that salary. So I became a psychology major because I loved my class in 12th grade. But I’m not sure if I want to counsel people, and they get paid shit in Florida. I think psychology involving the effects of drugs on brains makes more money, but I’m not good at that aspect of psychology. So, I’m an adult (technically, although it feels weird to think that) and I don’t know what I want to do. It’s plausible that these sixth graders won’t know either. I’m sure students would probably pick a random career and bullshit it, though. I wonder how they’re going to say how carpentry fits into their worldview?
The project just has to be expressed via written word. I hope one of the students wrote something dirty. We had to analyze songs for poetic devices in ninth grade, and one kid chose a dirty rap song. My teacher was reading it out loud and she kept having to censor herself every other word. I’m guessing that there isn’t a limit on how long the project has to be, as long as it’s written. This is invitation for half the class to wait until the last minute, randomly choose a job, and scribble a paragraph of bullshit before class started. My classmates still wait until the last minute to start on term papers. I like to get term papers out of the way early so I have more time to read. Also, finding academic journals at the last minute is a pain in the ass. I wonder if a smart ass kid would turn in their project as a series of haikus, on the grounds that the teacher didn’t give them a minimum number of pages.
The teacher wants them to be creative. What teachers mean when they say this is usually decorate a poster board nicely or bring in props that aren’t phallic symbols and can in no way be used as innuendo. What kids think when they hear that is how much shit can they get away with while it’s still legal? I was a goody-two shoes, but now I want to make up a story about becoming an assassin and running a fetish club because I loved seeing girls get bound and gagged when I was younger. In fact, maybe I’ll bring some props in to demonstrate my career as a master assassin. Or maybe I’ll say I want to perform in the circus as a flame jugglers or eater, and try to swallow a flame. I think teachers should require students to sign a contract when they say be creative.
The teacher wants them to give him a one page proposal before he gives the go ahead. I’d have just written as essay about why I wanted to be a writer because I liked writing and I could express myself better with it. I nearly typed sexepress myself.
Mallory has no problem deciding what she wants to do for her project. She wants to be an author for children. She imagines getting published and I did the same thing at eleven. Hell, I thought I’d be interviewed on TV and get movie rights. I’ve become more realistic. Now I’ll settle for being able to write a book, have it be published, and have it not be snark bait or bile fascination.
Mallory doesn’t want to imagine her picture on the back flap of a book because she looks like the result of a drunken grope between a Troll doll and Quasimodo behind a two dive bar, and it will ruin a perfectly good book. Yes, because when I’m swept up in a fantastic book and I check the back flap to see the face of the angel who wrote this book and I see it’s an ugly girl, my opinion of the book will completely change because only pretty people can write good books.
This prompts Mallory to start whining about her appearance. She has freckles, glasses, and a terrible nose. She also has braces. I have braces and glasses. However, I do have contacts, but I prefer to wear my glasses on weekends because I’m too lazy to put in my contacts. And I’m getting my braces off next month. Honestly, I get that kids Mallory’s age are insecure about their appearances, but at least she doesn’t have hideous birthmarks or scars. Mallory even says she doesn’t have a monster face, so I’m just picturing her as rather average. She inherited her nose from her grandfather. I bet her parents will bring this up when she wants to get a nose job. I inherited my grandfather’s temper. I shouldn’t be driving, then, since he had a cutlass in his car and went off on stupid drivers. I’d probably have two incidents of road rage before I got to the corner shop.
This project will make up 80 percent of the marking grade. That’s ridiculous. You should at least give them some assignments. People get a little annoyed when they only have a few major grades for a class, because then they have to knock the assignment out of orbit or risk failing. I’ve heard of a term paper being 25 percent of a grade and sometimes the only grades for a class are the midterm and final. But this just seems extreme for a sixth grade class, especially since the project is more than 75 percent of their grade. What’s the criteria for grading this project? Are you grading them on creativity? How well they express themselves? Does that mean I could get away with just writing a paragraph about why I wanted to be a writer if my teacher felt as though he got an insight as to who I truly am?
Jessi is going to have a hard time working ballet into a written project. I guess she can write a ballet and then perform it. Mallory isn’t sure what she’s going to write about. Jessi suggests writing about the time she won a short story contest. How does that reveal why Mallory wanted to be a writer and how it fits in with her worldview? I first wanted to be a writer in second grade when we had to write an essay about our favorite kind of weather and my teacher loved it so much she showed it to another teacher and the teacher wanted to meet me.
Mallory’s head is still overflowing with ideas for her project when she gets home, so she doesn’t notice that the house is on fire, the triplets are playing ninja with real ninja weapons, and Claire and Margo are tied up because they’re damsels in distress. Vanessa is playing with a Skip-it. I loved those things. Haley calls for Vanessa. I didn’t know that Haley and Vanessa were best friends. All I know is that Hannie and Karen are best friends, and so are Becca and Charlotte. I know shit about the other relationships of the BSC clients.
Haley is a member of the Kids Can Do Anything club. They organize food drives, knit sweaters for the elderly, built houses for the poor, rescue stray animals, always eat their vegetables, and always write thank you notes for even the most ridiculous present instead of playing, whining, being brats to their parents, and just being kids in general. These are the types of kids parents would compare their own kids to, and the kids will just be like, “Why don’t you just adopt Little Miss Perfect, since she’s such a damn angel? I’ll be she never throws a tantrum and eats food she hates without complaint!”
Mallory wants to involve the kids in her project, because god fucking forbid a BSC member have lives outside children. These girls will be the type of parents who take their kids everywhere, even though it might not be appropriate for kids, because everyone likes kids. It’s even more ridiculous because these girls are just babysitters; they aren’t related to the kids. Just because you want to write books for kids doesn’t mean you have to include them in your project. It’s a good thing Mallory doesn’t want to become a pediatrician, otherwise she might try to do a demonstration checkup and end up mauling the kid.
Mallory is brain dead from trying to forcibly fit kids into everything and settles down to read an Alice Anderson book. It’s about some perfect girl and her perfect family and their zany schemes. I bet Mallory is envious because her family isn’t nauseatingly perfect. You know those perfect families on television? I bet that as soon as the camera stops rolling, they start brawling. I was just thinking about books where the families are always sweetness and light and never fight with each other. I was thinking about the book Misery where the author kills off his main character and dances around celebrating her death. I’m imagining Henrietta Hayes getting sick of writing these stories and killing them off. Isn’t it way too easy to picture a Misery situation in this book?
Mallory cries because the book is over. I don’t cry when a book I like is over. Assuming I haven’t bought the book or it wasn’t a gift, I usually think, “Must buy this book and read it over and over until the pages fall out and it’s being held together with tape.” The way Mallory judges the quality of a book is pretty stupid. She judges them based on how well she feels she knows the author. That only works if it’s a memoir or autobiography. I don’t judge a book I like based on the fact that I should be able to recite their life story. I judge it based on plot, character, themes, entertainment value, etc. The author’s life doesn’t always factor into my opinion of the book. Sometimes I wonder if the author’s life had something to do with the themes in the books, but it’s not my main criteria.
After drying her eyes, Mallory writes a fan letter to Hayes. She asks if Hayes wrote any other books. Seeing as how Mallory was just getting form letters, she probably missed out on a lot of books by Hayes. She could just go to the library and check, but I doubt she’ll think of that. She asks a whole bunch of questions. I wouldn’t care if she asked if any of the characters were based on real people because authors do get this question sometimes, but Mallory is under the impression that everyone in that story was based on a real person.
As Mallory goes to mail her letter, she realizes that she’s dangerously close to being late for a BSC meeting. She runs to the meeting while punching herself for not immediately telling us about them.
Chapter 2
Mallory comes flailing in just in time. I wish one of these girls would just say, “Kristy’s not the boss of me. Fuck the police,” and walk in the meeting a minute late on purpose. Wait, that’s what Abby is for. Mallory starts fantasizing about the club members. I wonder what happens when these girls are spacing out during BSC meetings. Doesn’t Kristy get mad? Kristy is a study in opposition. She’s small but she has big ideas. I didn’t know height was correlated with bossiness and the ability to present your ideas. Kristy also dresses casually, which is weird because Watson in a millionaire. Kristy doesn’t care about her appearance. I don’t see what Watson being a millionaire has to do with it. I guess it’s because she can afford to buy designer clothes, but Kristy doesn’t have an interest in them. It would have been more ironic if Kristy’s mother was a fashion designer. Just because Kristy’s stepfather is rich doesn’t mean she’s required to dress in designer labels.
Mallory finishes lusting after all the girls in the club and ask about the project. Stacey suggests Jessi do something about the stories behind the ballets. When she went to Lincoln center she thought the ballets were gorgeous, but she didn’t understand what was going on. Jessi likes this idea and says she can write about how she feels about the dances and how her feelings affect her dancing.
Mary Anne wants to know why Mallory the writer doesn’t just write something, but Mallory wants to involve kids. Just fucking write something and be done with it! Kristy suggests that Mallory perform a play featuring the kids, because Kristy wants to take over as director. What does this have to do with being a writer? I know writers can write plays, but I don’t know if they oversee the production. Suppose the kids have school and can’t perform the play?
Chapter 3
Mallory goes to talk to the KCDA advisors to get permission about the play. Isn’t Haley a BSC charge? Couldn’t Mallory just round up the kids on her own time and have them perform the play then? Why does she need to ask permission? The advisor wants the play to be educational, because God forbid the kids do an activity that isn’t educational or for charity. Why does the play have to be educational? I bet the advisor patrols around to make sure the kids are always doing something educational and kind. Membership to the KCDA will be revoked if they are seen engaging in any kid-like behavior, such as fighting with their siblings, arguing with their parents, or watching something uneducational on TV.
Mallory tries to make up some bullshit about why the play is educational. Why can’t she just rope other kids into doing this play if Ms. Simon is going to be up her ass about the play being educational? Ms. Simon sees how the play can be educational, but it has to be volunteer work. They can perform for kids in the terminal illness ward. If the goody-two shoes group can’t perform the play, can’t she recruit other kids? Is every child a member of this club?
Ms. Simon nearly wets herself at the thought of performing for the less fortunate, so Mallory’s play is a go. I don’t know what this has to do with her project. Mallory gets roped into directing the play and working with the kids. This sounds like directors work to me. What does it have to do with writing? Just because you write the play doesn’t mean you can direct it. Mallory goes home to work on her proposal, and writes some rubbish about expanding her horizons, and how doing this play will help her observe kids.
She admits that she’s lying a little bit. And you want to get mad at Hayes for not writing about her life experiences?
Mallory turns in her assignment early and thinks that her teacher will be so enthusiastic about her proposal he’ll award her some fancy writing award and she’ll be sent off to college on a full writing scholarship and she’ll become so famous she’ll be able to get plastic surgery, hair dye, and a shit ton of piercings. I had unrealistic fantasies as well, but I think I was able to bring myself back to reality. Her teacher just says the proposal isn’t adequate because she won’t learn anything new from her project. But he said he didn’t want a report on her career. What is she supposed to write about? I would write about the publishing industry, but that sounds reportish and not creative to me.
Her teacher says to try again. I bet he’s thinking about what a moron Mallory is. Teachers would probably need to learn a tactful way to say that a student’s project sucks ass in case a parent sues them for crushing their child’s spirit. The teacher challenges Mallory to learn something new from the project. This sounds like a research project.
While Mallory is trying to overcome writer’s block, Vanessa comes in with a letter from Henrietta Hayes. Mallory is ecstatic and tears the letter open. She gets some new information to stalk Hayes with, but she realizes that the letter is a form letter. I almost said chain letter. Hayes would be quite within her rights to send Mallory a chain letter in this book. I just imagined Mallory writing to Hayes over and over, and ignoring the fact that Hayes isn’t reading her letters. Through a twist of contrivance, she’ll meet Hayes and take her to her house. Then she’ll show her how she used the form letters to wallpaper her house, and hold her hostage until she writes Mallory into her books as a Mary Sue.
Mallory realizes that Hayes lives in Stamford. Hayes will wake up in the middle of the night to see a redhead with binoculars peeking into her room. She gets the idea to interview the author. I think that’s a good idea, but you don’t know the author. She hasn’t written to you. Suppose she’s one of those mean authors who hates kids and tells Mallory to fuck off. No, Mallory will just stalk the author and restore her faith in humanity. The author will write a book about a loving girl who transformed her hardened heart in gratitude.
Mallory has been gripped by inspiration and starts working on her proposal. I love it when this happens. Then inspiration wears off and I’m stuck thinking, “What did I just write?” She's going to compare her life to Hayes's.
Chapter 4
Claudia comes with Mallory to the KCDA meeting. Since their supervisors aren’t there, they act like kids. Of course this means that Mallory and Claudia start to panic, because the BSC can’t handle a kid not being sweetness and light or kissing their asses. Charlotte and Becca are there. You aren’t going to get them to perform in a play, are you? They have horrible stage fright. I’m sure one or both of them will faint if they even have a non-speaking role.
Mallory gets the kids to read lines from a Hayes play. Charlotte and Becca perform well. I was a shy kid, but I was good at performing speeches. I can buy that a shy kid might be able to surprise people with a strong performance, but not Becca or Charlotte. Has Charlotte finished her therapy from the last time the BSC tried to get her to perform? The plucky cancer patient Danielle is excellent at reading her lines.
Claudia asks Mallory what she wants to do her play about and Mallory thinks all great writing is autobiographical. I wonder what kind of life she thinks JM Barrie and Tolkien led, if all writing is autobiographical. She thinks that Haye’s books are so realistic the characters have to be based on real people. I thought it was a sign of a good writer if they could write realistic characters. Guess I was wrong.
Hayes still hasn’t written Mallory back, but she’s too delusional to be deterred. Mallory explains that she needs her help with her school project. She’ll even come to her house to interview her. Join the witness protection program, Hayes! I had unrealistic fantasies at eleven, but I knew they were unrealistic. I wouldn’t expect an author to write me back, especially if they already gave me a form letter. Claudia voices the reasonable question of what Mallory is going to do if Hayes doesn’t contact her. Mallory is entitled and thinks that Hayes will help her, because she doesn’t seem like the type of person who will leave a kid hanging. It would be hilarious if she just told Mallory to fuck off. Of course the BSC doesn’t understand the words personal boundaries and no, she’ll just stalk her until she says yes.
Mallory invites Claudia in for some chocolate and brownies. There’s another letter from Hayes. Surprise, surprise, it’s a form letter. Now what’s Mallory going to do? She can stop stalking Hayes, for one thing.
Chapter 5
Mallory is reading more of Alice’s zany schemes. She’s sad because her family would just treat her as their maid and not help her with anything. She loves her family, but she’s upset they don’t sit in a circle and talk about how much they love each other. She thinks about what Alice would do if she couldn’t reach an author. I thought 3ft6 was joking when she said that Alice would go through a window if she couldn’t go through a door, but it’s an actual line. That’s right, Alice will crawl through the window if the door is locked and bolted, because stalking isn’t invasive, it’s plucky and the stalker should be rewarded. Alice seems like the type of person I’d call the cops on, if she’s going crawl through someone’s window. Has she never heard of personal boundaries?
Alice inspires Mallory to get her stalk on. Mallory finds out Hayes’s address. Again I say, enter the witness protection program. I can understand writing to an author, but showing up at their house after it’s obvious they have no interest in you is just creepy and rude. Mallory writes Hayes a letter calling herself her number one fan. Those words combined with Mallory are grounds for a lawsuit. I’m sure meeting Mallory will also result in severe mental scarring. She whines that she needs Hayes to write back because her grade depends on it. She’s not reading your letters, nitwit! Also, Hayes is not required to help you with your school project, you entitled brat. Mallory is the kind of person who sends unsolicited manuscripts to a publishing company and sends letters asking why her book hasn’t been optioned for a movie deal as yet. Hell,she'll probably stalk the office building.
The next morning Mallory sends her letter to Hayes, and checks out more books by her. She believes that since authors write about themselves, so Henrietta must be a great person. But what if authors are using wish fulfillment and they aren’t like the super dibble main character? Will Mallory get upset if she meets me and discovers that I’m not a powerful witch, even though I wrote a story about one? I wrote stories where I was cooler and prettier and more talented. Hayes could be engaging in the same thing.
Mallory thinks about what she’s going to write her play on. She decides to do it on her family. I think this is because she’s too lazy to think up an actual play. How hard can it be to simply write about how her family is a bunch of yard apes who don’t appreciate her? I’m sure Mallory could fill two journals in an hour with tales of woe about her family.