Karen's Doll (1-6)
Sorry I haven't been snarking. I kind of am low on money right now and can't buy my monthly book haul (which would have included 2 Karens and 2 BSCs this month). But I have a book lying around I planned on snarking. So let's do it!
2 things before I go into the snark!:
I mention my soulbonds a lot and a lot of people are like "What the heck are those???" So everyone who wants to know what soulbonding/soulbonds are, click this. Click it! It is the best explanation I can offer!
Since this book is about dolls and I will be talking about them a lot (I have 4, soon to be 5 or 6), I feel the need to share my own "Hyacynthia." This is Abigail Sarah Starchild. She came with a different name when I bought her, but not only did I not like that name I just KNEW it wasn't her real name, just a placeholder name put there by the company. She is named after Abigail Sarah Maitland from Primeval, which was my favorite show at the time. She is from a long-discontinued, imported line of balljoints known as Cy Girl/Cool Girl, and she was very costly (these dolls cost as much as a new computer or sofa) and very hard to find. She was the main character of Christmas 2011 for me, and I love this doll as if she is my own flesh and blood. But, being an elite intergalactic military commander and the Greatest Superhero That Ever Lived, I do not take care of her...she takes care of me! She serves as a friend, confidante, and mentor to me. I sleep with her almost every night, usually digging out a little bed section for her with my blankets or sleeping with her on my chest or on the pillow next to my cheek. And if anyone like Karen ever got her hands on her and started playing roughly with her or worse, LOST her, I would have to backhand them. I don't allow anyone to touch her at all unless I'm supervising...sometimes my friends want to see her and that's okay but my friends tend to pick up dolls in stupid spots like by the hair or by the cheeks. Not okay with me. Abby will be getting a Partner In Intergalactic Crimefighting and a Second-In-Command soon 'cause I promised her one, but I don't know when that will happen because EVERYTHING in the world is throwing big fat dollar signs flipping the bird these days. I'd LOVE another Cy Girl, but don't know when I will be able to save $500. I might get a Hestia instead.
So as the owner of a doll as precious as that, Karen's irresponsibility with Hyacynthia gives me the VAPORS in this book.
Chapter 1
Karen's grandparents are in England and want to bring something ~English~ back for Karen and Andrew. Karen contemplates the idea of having her very own pet British Royal Guard. I couldn't make this shit up if I tried. She wants to take him to Show And Share like he is a pet monkey, but then thinks better of it...but only because he'll get in trouble for leaving his post! 'Cause we all know it'd be totally cool to have your own funny-hatted slave! After saying no to a Winnie The Pooh toy because she can find those at any toy store, she settles on...a baby doll. Which, dontchaknow, you totally CAN'T find at any toy store. Karen wants a Real English Baby Doll and I don't get it, is there any real difference between an English baby doll and an American one? Andrew wants a doubledecker bus and Karen wants it to be big enough for her doll to ride in because Andrew can just NEVER EVER have a cool toy without Karen commandeering it. Thanks for reminding me I need to comb Abby's hair, Karen, but I never re-dress her 'cause I can't afford or find the special clothes they made for Cy Girls. Then Karen's like HEY WHICH HOUSE IS MY DOLL GONNA LIVE IN and sets us up for the fucking two-two bullshit chapter of bullshit and horse manure.
Chapter 3
Karen is preparing Goosie for his new partner in the way I've been preparing my 4 for the incoming Novi Star and also Abby's incoming partner. I like Karen's shirt in the illustration...I know this is the 90s but I'm imagining it as one of those brass-buttoned military deals that I adore. Karen's grandparents arrive with the presents. Karen is ecstatic over her new baby doll, and from the illustrations she really does look like a nice baby doll. I feel bad for her for having to end up with Karen and therefore get caught up in the bullshit that follows. Lisa tells her that she sure as hell better be responsible with a doll this costly and Karen's like "kk of course." Karen decides that the doll is going to switch houses just like her. Oh, this will end so super-duper well. You see the big house TWO DAYS OUT OF THE MONTH, Karen, just leave the doll at the little house! Nancy comes over to see the doll, and I wish my friends could be as careful with mine as Nancy is with this doll, then I'd be more willing to let them play with them. Why is a 7-year-old more careful with a doll than an 18-year-old??? They decide to name the doll Hyacynthia.
Chapter 4
Karen wants to bring Hyacynthia to school and it will be a cold day in hell before I ever do that to Abby...I lose/forget things at school ALL the time. Lisa gives her the House Rules: No letting her be passed around, no taking her outside at recess, and let Miss Colman hold her for the rest of the day. Karen is Totes Cool with that and heads off to school so she can make Pamela jealous, and that is TOTALLY her main motivation for bringing Hyacynthia to school: in the first chapter, she mentioned she wanted an English baby doll because Pamela doesn't have one. For such an "enemy," Pamela sure has a lot of fucking influence over Karen. Everyone oohs and aahs and Karen tears her hair our because Nancy is absent. ffs she's absent for a day, not DYING. Oh wait, HOW DARE SHE BE ABSENT WHEN KAREN AND HANNIE ARE NOT ABSENT! THEY'RE THE THREE MUSKETEERS, DAMMIT!!!!! I am now imagining Karen dragging Hannie to Nancy's house and forcing Nancy to infect her and Hannie with the illness in the name of the Three Musketeers.
Chapter 5
Turns out Nancy has appendicitis. And Karen is going to force her to punch her and Hannie in the appendix so they can have appendicitis too, in the name of the 3M. That is my headcanon and I am sticking to it. Hannie is upset about her friend being ill but Karen just assumes she's upset for the sake of the poor unneeded appendix and just tells her "Aw don't worry, Nancy doesn't need an appendix anymore anyway!" as if that is the entirety of the fucking problem. Then Karen, being Karen, comes up a way to make NANCY'S ILLNESS all about her, and decides to interrupt class with a mass card signing.
Chapter 6
Karen tells Miss Colman that Nancy needs to have an operation but Miss Colman is like "I know, you know parents actually call teachers about these things, right?" Karen not only interrupts class, but prolongs it to make a MASSIVE deal out of this card. For Pete's sake, just take the card out at recess and have everyone sign it then! STOP TURNING YOUR FRIEND'S ILLNESS AND SURGERY INTO ANOTHER LOOK AT ME FEST. She even has to make a goddamn speech, and then mentions Pamela is jealous that everyone's crowding around her. You know, it's really sick when someone has to use someone else's painful, possibly-deadly (if they can't get to surgery in time) illness as a way to be an attention whore and make someone else jealous. I am sick and tired of Ann pretending Karen is a normal and well-adjusted kid. Karen needs THERAPY. Karen has everyone line up to sign the card. JUST. PASS IT. AROUND. THE CLASSROOM, DAMMIT. Pamela isn't having any of this BS and just makes her own card. You know, I really like Pamela. For some reason, Leslie thinks if they don't sign Karen's specific card, Nancy will feel bad. How is having TWO cards going to make Nancy feel bad??? Other kids walk in late, Karen has to repeat her stupid-ass speech, starting with "Did you hear about poor Nancy?" as if she is telling a fucking story from the Edwardian era.
Sorry I wasn't able to buy my monthly stash this month. ): But when I am, it will include my very first snarkable BSC books!
2 things before I go into the snark!:
I mention my soulbonds a lot and a lot of people are like "What the heck are those???" So everyone who wants to know what soulbonding/soulbonds are, click this. Click it! It is the best explanation I can offer!
Since this book is about dolls and I will be talking about them a lot (I have 4, soon to be 5 or 6), I feel the need to share my own "Hyacynthia." This is Abigail Sarah Starchild. She came with a different name when I bought her, but not only did I not like that name I just KNEW it wasn't her real name, just a placeholder name put there by the company. She is named after Abigail Sarah Maitland from Primeval, which was my favorite show at the time. She is from a long-discontinued, imported line of balljoints known as Cy Girl/Cool Girl, and she was very costly (these dolls cost as much as a new computer or sofa) and very hard to find. She was the main character of Christmas 2011 for me, and I love this doll as if she is my own flesh and blood. But, being an elite intergalactic military commander and the Greatest Superhero That Ever Lived, I do not take care of her...she takes care of me! She serves as a friend, confidante, and mentor to me. I sleep with her almost every night, usually digging out a little bed section for her with my blankets or sleeping with her on my chest or on the pillow next to my cheek. And if anyone like Karen ever got her hands on her and started playing roughly with her or worse, LOST her, I would have to backhand them. I don't allow anyone to touch her at all unless I'm supervising...sometimes my friends want to see her and that's okay but my friends tend to pick up dolls in stupid spots like by the hair or by the cheeks. Not okay with me. Abby will be getting a Partner In Intergalactic Crimefighting and a Second-In-Command soon 'cause I promised her one, but I don't know when that will happen because EVERYTHING in the world is throwing big fat dollar signs flipping the bird these days. I'd LOVE another Cy Girl, but don't know when I will be able to save $500. I might get a Hestia instead.
So as the owner of a doll as precious as that, Karen's irresponsibility with Hyacynthia gives me the VAPORS in this book.
Chapter 1
Karen's grandparents are in England and want to bring something ~English~ back for Karen and Andrew. Karen contemplates the idea of having her very own pet British Royal Guard. I couldn't make this shit up if I tried. She wants to take him to Show And Share like he is a pet monkey, but then thinks better of it...but only because he'll get in trouble for leaving his post! 'Cause we all know it'd be totally cool to have your own funny-hatted slave! After saying no to a Winnie The Pooh toy because she can find those at any toy store, she settles on...a baby doll. Which, dontchaknow, you totally CAN'T find at any toy store. Karen wants a Real English Baby Doll and I don't get it, is there any real difference between an English baby doll and an American one? Andrew wants a doubledecker bus and Karen wants it to be big enough for her doll to ride in because Andrew can just NEVER EVER have a cool toy without Karen commandeering it. Thanks for reminding me I need to comb Abby's hair, Karen, but I never re-dress her 'cause I can't afford or find the special clothes they made for Cy Girls. Then Karen's like HEY WHICH HOUSE IS MY DOLL GONNA LIVE IN and sets us up for the fucking two-two bullshit chapter of bullshit and horse manure.
Chapter 3
Karen is preparing Goosie for his new partner in the way I've been preparing my 4 for the incoming Novi Star and also Abby's incoming partner. I like Karen's shirt in the illustration...I know this is the 90s but I'm imagining it as one of those brass-buttoned military deals that I adore. Karen's grandparents arrive with the presents. Karen is ecstatic over her new baby doll, and from the illustrations she really does look like a nice baby doll. I feel bad for her for having to end up with Karen and therefore get caught up in the bullshit that follows. Lisa tells her that she sure as hell better be responsible with a doll this costly and Karen's like "kk of course." Karen decides that the doll is going to switch houses just like her. Oh, this will end so super-duper well. You see the big house TWO DAYS OUT OF THE MONTH, Karen, just leave the doll at the little house! Nancy comes over to see the doll, and I wish my friends could be as careful with mine as Nancy is with this doll, then I'd be more willing to let them play with them. Why is a 7-year-old more careful with a doll than an 18-year-old??? They decide to name the doll Hyacynthia.
Chapter 4
Karen wants to bring Hyacynthia to school and it will be a cold day in hell before I ever do that to Abby...I lose/forget things at school ALL the time. Lisa gives her the House Rules: No letting her be passed around, no taking her outside at recess, and let Miss Colman hold her for the rest of the day. Karen is Totes Cool with that and heads off to school so she can make Pamela jealous, and that is TOTALLY her main motivation for bringing Hyacynthia to school: in the first chapter, she mentioned she wanted an English baby doll because Pamela doesn't have one. For such an "enemy," Pamela sure has a lot of fucking influence over Karen. Everyone oohs and aahs and Karen tears her hair our because Nancy is absent. ffs she's absent for a day, not DYING. Oh wait, HOW DARE SHE BE ABSENT WHEN KAREN AND HANNIE ARE NOT ABSENT! THEY'RE THE THREE MUSKETEERS, DAMMIT!!!!! I am now imagining Karen dragging Hannie to Nancy's house and forcing Nancy to infect her and Hannie with the illness in the name of the Three Musketeers.
Chapter 5
Turns out Nancy has appendicitis. And Karen is going to force her to punch her and Hannie in the appendix so they can have appendicitis too, in the name of the 3M. That is my headcanon and I am sticking to it. Hannie is upset about her friend being ill but Karen just assumes she's upset for the sake of the poor unneeded appendix and just tells her "Aw don't worry, Nancy doesn't need an appendix anymore anyway!" as if that is the entirety of the fucking problem. Then Karen, being Karen, comes up a way to make NANCY'S ILLNESS all about her, and decides to interrupt class with a mass card signing.
Chapter 6
Karen tells Miss Colman that Nancy needs to have an operation but Miss Colman is like "I know, you know parents actually call teachers about these things, right?" Karen not only interrupts class, but prolongs it to make a MASSIVE deal out of this card. For Pete's sake, just take the card out at recess and have everyone sign it then! STOP TURNING YOUR FRIEND'S ILLNESS AND SURGERY INTO ANOTHER LOOK AT ME FEST. She even has to make a goddamn speech, and then mentions Pamela is jealous that everyone's crowding around her. You know, it's really sick when someone has to use someone else's painful, possibly-deadly (if they can't get to surgery in time) illness as a way to be an attention whore and make someone else jealous. I am sick and tired of Ann pretending Karen is a normal and well-adjusted kid. Karen needs THERAPY. Karen has everyone line up to sign the card. JUST. PASS IT. AROUND. THE CLASSROOM, DAMMIT. Pamela isn't having any of this BS and just makes her own card. You know, I really like Pamela. For some reason, Leslie thinks if they don't sign Karen's specific card, Nancy will feel bad. How is having TWO cards going to make Nancy feel bad??? Other kids walk in late, Karen has to repeat her stupid-ass speech, starting with "Did you hear about poor Nancy?" as if she is telling a fucking story from the Edwardian era.
Sorry I wasn't able to buy my monthly stash this month. ): But when I am, it will include my very first snarkable BSC books!