Kids in Ms. Colman's Class #5 - The Snow Wars
AMM is already bored with this series, and pawned this one off on Ellen Miles. It's really very boring. But if you ever wanted to get to know the occasionally-mentioned Ian in Karen's class, well, this is your chance.
Chapter 1: Ian Johnson
We're introduced to Ian as he kicks it in a blanket cave with sci-fi book he got for Christmas. He also has cocoa and a big cookie. He's hiding out from his fourteen-year-old brother, Chip, who's a big douche. Ian hopes that the "new baby" is a girl. I assume his mother is pregnant.
Oh, yeah, so she is. He's happy that he won't have to be the baby any more, but is also worried about shaking up a family that he generally likes as-is, even with a big brother who's a huge pain. I'm curious about why his family is having the kids seven years apart.
Oh, if it's a boy, they're naming it Duncan. Let's hope it's a girl (Julia).
Ian is also one of those people who reads a book while bitching that he could totally do it better. I hate those people. By which I mean I AM one of those people. Seriously, if Jodi Picoult has a career, why the fuck don't I?
Ian turned another page in They Came From Beyond. The story was about creatures in another galaxy. The planet was called X, and they creatures were called X-ers. This was the only thing Ian did not like about the book. If he had written the book himself, he would have come up with much more interesting names than X and X-ers. Maybe th planet Seldak, with creatures called Seldites. Anything was better than X and X-ers.
Okay, Ian kind of has a point there. That does smack of "I am completely out of ideas." Also it sounds vaguely pornographic.
Chris Lamar turns up, and we learn that it's the last day of winter vacation. We also get some weird exposition about Ian having a loose tooth. I guess this will be significant later, because otherwise it's just random. (I've read these books before, but they didn't make much of an impression, to say the least. So I might as well be snarking blind.)
Chapter two: Snow
After dinner, Ian listens to his "new clock radio." What a weird gift for a seven-year-old. Oh, who am I kidding? I got an electric pencil sharpener when I was nine and was thrilled. (Still have it; it still works.) Instead of listening to music like a normal kid, Ian is listening to the weather report. He wants to hear "storm coverage" from "Dr. G." I guess Ellen Miles is a New Yorker. (What's Mr. G's real name, anyway?)
Unfortunately, Dr. G is about as good as Nancy Hicks-Gribble when it comes to predicting the weather, because there has been none of the promised snowfall. I feel you, kid. I once quoted the Calvin and Hobbes comic strip about the uselessness of a tiny amount of snow ("no one ever closed school on account of prettiness!") at a teacher. She about collapsed laughing and demanded I provide her with the book it was in so she could make a copy. Totally random memory that just occurred to me. I still love Calvin and Hobbes. One of these days I'm going to get that giant complete volume.
So Ian has to go to school. Chris calls him over to come look at something in a paper bag that the boys are all staring at, but Ian is too into the X-ers to pay attention. Funny how some quiet indoor activities are acceptable to AMM, but some of them make a kid Satan (see: Prezzioso, Jenny).
We get the usual list of kids in the class, then Ms. Colman shows up. Ian is just bummed that vacation is over. Finally, a kid who isn't enamored of the amazing Ms. Colman.
Chapter 3: Ms. Colman
Ms. Colman at least wins one point with me for admitting that she'd rather still be on vacation, too. Granted, she did just basically tell the kids she'd rather not be around them, but...Karen's in the class. So. Acceptable.
Oh, wait, no, Ian has the same boner for Ms. Colman as everyone else:
Ian began to feel a bit better. He remembered why Ms. Colman was his favourite teacher. It was because she said things like that--that she wished she were still on vacation, too. Ms. Colman was honest, though Ian. She understood kids. Plus, she made school (pretty much) fun. And she hardly ever yelled or got mad.
As usual, Ms. Colman has a fucking announcement. Do these kids ever DO ANYTHING in school besides have disruptions? Apparently January is "winter carnival" time at Stoneybrook Academy. It's the usual school carnival type thing. Games, bake sale, prizes. Ms. Colman's class will be running a fortune telling booth. They'll write fortunes on paper snowflakes and sell them for fifty cents a pop. A few of the fortunes will say "prize," which means you actually get something for your money. Didn't Bill and Melody Korman do this exact same schtick at some BSC thing or other?
Ms. Colman tells the kids that they're going to have to make "hundreds" of snowflakes. Just how big is this school? I guess a lot of millionaire parents are willing to humor their kids.
Chapter 4: Recess
So we finally see what Bobby had in his bag. Turns out it's a miniature ant farm he got for Christmas. They all know he has to hide it from Ms. Colman, so why in the fuck did his parents let him walk out the door with it?
The kids are excited to chuck snowballs at recess, but Ian thinks this sound boring as hell and just wants to read, so he offers to sit with the ants under his coat to keep them from freezing. Smart kid. He knows that individuality will get him mocked, so he comes up with a plan to make it look like he's doing the other kids a favor. Luckily, the other boys buy it.
For a while, anyway. But Ricky has caught on and starts sneering that all Ian wants to do is read any more. Hey, AMM? Maybe USING A BOOK TO INDIRECTLY SHAME KIDS WHO LIKE TO READ isn't great for business. Leslie and Hank start calling him "brain" like it's an insult. OMG HE'S SMART. THAT'S THE WORST THING YOU CAN CALL A PERSON!
Chapter 5: Hurtling Through Space
It's finally snowing! Ian watching the snow, fiddles with his loose tooth (yeah, this is going to be important, since they don't fucking stop mentioning it) and reads his book. This is either a very long book or Ian is a very slow reader.
He wonders what the phrase "hurtling through space" means, and asks his brother, who says it means barfing while you travel, then says "oh, no, that would be HURLING through space." Ian can bitch all he wants about his brother, but that was kinda funny.
Unfortunately, there isn't enough snow to close school the next day. At recess, the kids work on elaborate snow forts, except for Ian, who just wants to read. The other kids are still calling him "Brain." I still fail to see why this is an insult.
Chapter 6: Snowflakes
The kids are using what I hope is their art period to make snowflakes for the carnival booth. Karen shrieks that they should use glitter. Ms. Colman tells her to use her indoor voice, then reinforces her bad behavior by telling her that it's a great idea.
The rest of the class is pissy over the snow forts and which group of kids has the best one. Ian doesn't get why the fuck this is a thing when this is supposed to be a fun project. Ian and Natalie should be friends. They seem like the only intelligent beings in this classroom.
They have a forty dollar budget for their booth. Apparently they will have to spend some of it on paper. Really? The school won't supply them with paper and glitter for a freaking school fundraiser? Also, prizes. This exchange happens:
Hannie said. “We could buy eight prizes that cost five dollars each. Or we could get ten that cost, um, four dol--”
“No, dope. Five dollars,” muttered Leslie.
“No, it is four. Dumbhead,” whispered Karen.
Ms. Colman did not hear the girls. A good thing, thought Ian. She would not like the way they were talking to each other.
I don't believe that she doesn't hear them. I think she just can't control the kids and lets them do whatever the fuck. Also Karen is a bitch. (So is Leslie, but she's presented as a villain; we're supposed to love Karen.)
Chapter 7: Snowballs
Ian is still addicted to his book, and doesn't give in to peer pressure to help the boys work on their igloo snow fort, even though the ones the girls are building (a house and a castle) are way better, according to the boys.
The kids, being kids, start hurling snowballs at each other, then get pissed when the snowballs hit the snow forts. Children are fucking annoying.
The next day at recess is more of the same: everyone is pissy and throwing snow at each other. Ian sits, reads, and worries his loose tooth. On the way back inside, he notices that the kids aren't talking to people outside of their snow fort group. Really? Are kids really this ridiculous?
Okay, that's half done. I'll do the other half later. My brain is turning to mush.
Chapter 1: Ian Johnson
We're introduced to Ian as he kicks it in a blanket cave with sci-fi book he got for Christmas. He also has cocoa and a big cookie. He's hiding out from his fourteen-year-old brother, Chip, who's a big douche. Ian hopes that the "new baby" is a girl. I assume his mother is pregnant.
Oh, yeah, so she is. He's happy that he won't have to be the baby any more, but is also worried about shaking up a family that he generally likes as-is, even with a big brother who's a huge pain. I'm curious about why his family is having the kids seven years apart.
Oh, if it's a boy, they're naming it Duncan. Let's hope it's a girl (Julia).
Ian is also one of those people who reads a book while bitching that he could totally do it better. I hate those people. By which I mean I AM one of those people. Seriously, if Jodi Picoult has a career, why the fuck don't I?
Ian turned another page in They Came From Beyond. The story was about creatures in another galaxy. The planet was called X, and they creatures were called X-ers. This was the only thing Ian did not like about the book. If he had written the book himself, he would have come up with much more interesting names than X and X-ers. Maybe th planet Seldak, with creatures called Seldites. Anything was better than X and X-ers.
Okay, Ian kind of has a point there. That does smack of "I am completely out of ideas." Also it sounds vaguely pornographic.
Chris Lamar turns up, and we learn that it's the last day of winter vacation. We also get some weird exposition about Ian having a loose tooth. I guess this will be significant later, because otherwise it's just random. (I've read these books before, but they didn't make much of an impression, to say the least. So I might as well be snarking blind.)
Chapter two: Snow
After dinner, Ian listens to his "new clock radio." What a weird gift for a seven-year-old. Oh, who am I kidding? I got an electric pencil sharpener when I was nine and was thrilled. (Still have it; it still works.) Instead of listening to music like a normal kid, Ian is listening to the weather report. He wants to hear "storm coverage" from "Dr. G." I guess Ellen Miles is a New Yorker. (What's Mr. G's real name, anyway?)
Unfortunately, Dr. G is about as good as Nancy Hicks-Gribble when it comes to predicting the weather, because there has been none of the promised snowfall. I feel you, kid. I once quoted the Calvin and Hobbes comic strip about the uselessness of a tiny amount of snow ("no one ever closed school on account of prettiness!") at a teacher. She about collapsed laughing and demanded I provide her with the book it was in so she could make a copy. Totally random memory that just occurred to me. I still love Calvin and Hobbes. One of these days I'm going to get that giant complete volume.
So Ian has to go to school. Chris calls him over to come look at something in a paper bag that the boys are all staring at, but Ian is too into the X-ers to pay attention. Funny how some quiet indoor activities are acceptable to AMM, but some of them make a kid Satan (see: Prezzioso, Jenny).
We get the usual list of kids in the class, then Ms. Colman shows up. Ian is just bummed that vacation is over. Finally, a kid who isn't enamored of the amazing Ms. Colman.
Chapter 3: Ms. Colman
Ms. Colman at least wins one point with me for admitting that she'd rather still be on vacation, too. Granted, she did just basically tell the kids she'd rather not be around them, but...Karen's in the class. So. Acceptable.
Oh, wait, no, Ian has the same boner for Ms. Colman as everyone else:
Ian began to feel a bit better. He remembered why Ms. Colman was his favourite teacher. It was because she said things like that--that she wished she were still on vacation, too. Ms. Colman was honest, though Ian. She understood kids. Plus, she made school (pretty much) fun. And she hardly ever yelled or got mad.
As usual, Ms. Colman has a fucking announcement. Do these kids ever DO ANYTHING in school besides have disruptions? Apparently January is "winter carnival" time at Stoneybrook Academy. It's the usual school carnival type thing. Games, bake sale, prizes. Ms. Colman's class will be running a fortune telling booth. They'll write fortunes on paper snowflakes and sell them for fifty cents a pop. A few of the fortunes will say "prize," which means you actually get something for your money. Didn't Bill and Melody Korman do this exact same schtick at some BSC thing or other?
Ms. Colman tells the kids that they're going to have to make "hundreds" of snowflakes. Just how big is this school? I guess a lot of millionaire parents are willing to humor their kids.
Chapter 4: Recess
So we finally see what Bobby had in his bag. Turns out it's a miniature ant farm he got for Christmas. They all know he has to hide it from Ms. Colman, so why in the fuck did his parents let him walk out the door with it?
The kids are excited to chuck snowballs at recess, but Ian thinks this sound boring as hell and just wants to read, so he offers to sit with the ants under his coat to keep them from freezing. Smart kid. He knows that individuality will get him mocked, so he comes up with a plan to make it look like he's doing the other kids a favor. Luckily, the other boys buy it.
For a while, anyway. But Ricky has caught on and starts sneering that all Ian wants to do is read any more. Hey, AMM? Maybe USING A BOOK TO INDIRECTLY SHAME KIDS WHO LIKE TO READ isn't great for business. Leslie and Hank start calling him "brain" like it's an insult. OMG HE'S SMART. THAT'S THE WORST THING YOU CAN CALL A PERSON!
Chapter 5: Hurtling Through Space
It's finally snowing! Ian watching the snow, fiddles with his loose tooth (yeah, this is going to be important, since they don't fucking stop mentioning it) and reads his book. This is either a very long book or Ian is a very slow reader.
He wonders what the phrase "hurtling through space" means, and asks his brother, who says it means barfing while you travel, then says "oh, no, that would be HURLING through space." Ian can bitch all he wants about his brother, but that was kinda funny.
Unfortunately, there isn't enough snow to close school the next day. At recess, the kids work on elaborate snow forts, except for Ian, who just wants to read. The other kids are still calling him "Brain." I still fail to see why this is an insult.
Chapter 6: Snowflakes
The kids are using what I hope is their art period to make snowflakes for the carnival booth. Karen shrieks that they should use glitter. Ms. Colman tells her to use her indoor voice, then reinforces her bad behavior by telling her that it's a great idea.
The rest of the class is pissy over the snow forts and which group of kids has the best one. Ian doesn't get why the fuck this is a thing when this is supposed to be a fun project. Ian and Natalie should be friends. They seem like the only intelligent beings in this classroom.
They have a forty dollar budget for their booth. Apparently they will have to spend some of it on paper. Really? The school won't supply them with paper and glitter for a freaking school fundraiser? Also, prizes. This exchange happens:
Hannie said. “We could buy eight prizes that cost five dollars each. Or we could get ten that cost, um, four dol--”
“No, dope. Five dollars,” muttered Leslie.
“No, it is four. Dumbhead,” whispered Karen.
Ms. Colman did not hear the girls. A good thing, thought Ian. She would not like the way they were talking to each other.
I don't believe that she doesn't hear them. I think she just can't control the kids and lets them do whatever the fuck. Also Karen is a bitch. (So is Leslie, but she's presented as a villain; we're supposed to love Karen.)
Chapter 7: Snowballs
Ian is still addicted to his book, and doesn't give in to peer pressure to help the boys work on their igloo snow fort, even though the ones the girls are building (a house and a castle) are way better, according to the boys.
The kids, being kids, start hurling snowballs at each other, then get pissed when the snowballs hit the snow forts. Children are fucking annoying.
The next day at recess is more of the same: everyone is pissy and throwing snow at each other. Ian sits, reads, and worries his loose tooth. On the way back inside, he notices that the kids aren't talking to people outside of their snow fort group. Really? Are kids really this ridiculous?
Okay, that's half done. I'll do the other half later. My brain is turning to mush.