#95 Kristy + Bart = ?
#95 Kristy + Bart = ?
Chapter One: Kristy Thomas is a human being, she swears! This fact is exemplified within the first pages of the book as she drills into the reader’s mind that she is: “hard-working,” “cheerful,” “lovable,” “fair,” “lives in a mansion,” etc. Oh, and “modest.” She also insists that she has a sense of humor, and this isn’t mentioned in the book, but I’ll take a wild guess and assume she has a mother and was not breastfed by a metallic cyborg. See? Kristy is not the Machiavellian monster the other members make her out to be!
Thankfully, the human qualities end there, and the Kristy we all know and love launches into a spiel about the fateful day her mother couldn’t find a babysitter, which “changed forever the lives of many Stoneybrook parents.” That’s the kind of epic storytelling I expect from a Kristy narrative. I don’t want any of that humanizing bullshit. Now tell us about the time she wrestled Norman Hill with her bare hands.
Oh yeah, plot: Kristy comes home to find it empty, even though Charlie is supposed to be there. Thinking that he is upstairs hiding, Kristy takes Shannon out for a walk, and while they’re at the park, Kristy sees the Junk Bucket. Upon further inspection, it is now the Shaggin’ Wagon. Charlie and his girlfriend, Sarah, are inside, sucking face, and Kristy rejoices in the fact that she now knows “his secret.” By now, even Shannon is rolling her eyes.
Chapter Two: Thank God I finally have a forum to air out this grievance. I’ve wondered about this for years, so I’ll just copy the text word-for-word:
“Strike!” bellowed Bart Taylor. (…)
Linny Papadakis dropped his bat. “No way!” he protested. “You need an eye exam!”
“Hey, I do not … Ralph,” Bart replied.
“Ralph?” Linny repeated.
Bart grinned, “Joke,” he said. “Get it? Eye exam… Ralph?”
Is this painfully obvious to everyone but me? Please put my conscience to rest and explain.
Anyway, the only point of this chapter is for Kristy to have another self-proclaimed great idea (A world record book for kids. Woo.), and more importantly, introduce Bart Taylor. Kristy makes it clear that when compared to Charlie and Sarah’s backseat trysts, Kristy and Bart’s relationship is completely innocent… save for the occasional 7th inning stretch, dug-out quickie.
Chapter Three: Kristy peddles her world record book to the rest of the BSC, and to her disgust, they respond with tepid enthusiasm. Also, since chapter two passed with nary a description of Mallory’s orthodontia, this chapter includes the belated club description. Heavy emphasis is placed on the unspoken law that all best friends must be polar opposites. All transgressors are shipped off to California and forced to take part in a melodramatic spin-off series.
Chapter Four: Finally, the action you were waiting for: Kristy and Bart, alone in a dark movie theater in various stages of undress - but first, awkward introductions. Bart refers to Kristy as his “girlfriend” in front his friends, which catches Kristy off guard. This term violates the terms of their purely physical relationship, but Kristy, fully aware of the undeniable power she has over the lesser sex, lets it go.
Kristy and Bart go see what sounds like a straight-to-video Jean-Claude Van Damme movie. By the time the love scene rolls around, Bart leans in for a chaste kiss, which Kristy returns. She describes the kiss as “fine,” probably knocking off points for failing to deliver the hypothetical goods. Just as the exciting part of the movie begins, Bart leans in again, but this time he means business. According to a muzzled Kristy, Bart was “pressing too hard” and “jamming [her] lips against [her] teeth.” As Bart robs Kristy of her gold fillings, she strains to see what is happening on screen, until finally, she wrenches Bart off her, pretending to be more interested in the movie, just to regain the use of her respiratory system.
Following the steamiest make out scene in BSC history, the two go to Pizza Express, and Bart asks Kristy to go his school’s April Fools Dance with him. Despite the recent kamikaze attack he launched on her gums, she agrees and makes a mental note to check herself for any early symptoms of Ebola.
Chapter Five: Abby and Mallory at the Pikes. More world records. Mallory chops off Abby’s hair. Who cares we want more BartandKristysloppymakeouts.
Chapter Six: Despite the ill-fitting turtlenecks and bra-less physique, Kristy's got game. While she and Bart play baseball in the park, she pulls the old chase-him-around-then-wrestle-him-to-the-ground-and-strangle-him-with-your-thighs move. You know, that one. Unfortunately, Bart kills the ambiance when he runs his fingers through her hair and almost scalps her. It’s called conditioner, Kristy.
As they walk home, Kristy silently observes that Bart’s fingers resemble mini bananas. With the obvious phallic imagery dead and buried, they plan a double date with Mary Anne and Logan. Kristy worries about how their “advanced LIKE” will compare with Logan and Mary Anne’s “deep LUV.” Of course they should all just give up since neither couple will ever live up to Mallory Pike and Ben Hobart’s “raging LUST.”
The next day, Kristy notes how comfortable MA and Logan are together. No mini bananas or blitzkrieg frenching: just pure, unadulterated his-and-her-towelette-set love. They prove their spiritual bond by knowing exactly what the other wants to order, while Kristy and Bart fumble along blindly. By the end of the date, Kristy is jealous of LogAnne’s (SpRuno?) connection and begins to wonder if she’s doomed to become a lonely gym teacher who just loves shimmying up those climbing ropes.
Chapter Seven: Kristy is babysitting David Michael and Watson’s wretched spawn when Bart shows up unannounced. It’s nine o’clock, her parents are gone, the kids are in bed, and a Mets game is on: the Brewer mansion is at the pinnacle of kinkiness.
Peter Lerangis proves his prowess as a smut writer by finally allowing Kristy to experience a make out session that does not involve her being asphyxiated by Bart’s tonsils. Sadly, it doesn’t last long since nothing says “buzzkill” like the sudden appearance of a balding millionaire with high cholesterol. Kristy and Bart spring apart, but the damage is done. Bart slinks away, while Kristy is grounded for the weekend and not allowed to leave her room, except to use the bathroom. And as a testament to her burning shame, Kristy does not even have the heart to ask if that includes conjugal visits.
Chapter Eight: For the next two days Kristy is isolated, left to plan Bart’s untimely demise. Like a caged animal, she desperately clings to any vestige of her past life. She tries to phone the outside world but is foiled by her mother. She constructs complex word games. She reads in booming accents. Keep in mind that she is not locked in or guarded. This is self-inflicted punishment, Kristy-style. Never again will a lopsided smile make her knees go weak. Never again will she wrestle in the grass with her beloved. Never again will Kristy Thomas let Bart Taylor’s mini banana anywhere near her.
Chapter Nine: The Kristy that emerges from her exile is a new woman. She calls Bart and unleashes her wrath, leaving him sputtering in indignation. When he tries to defend himself as her boyfriend, Kristy’s vengeance reaches a peak as she declares, “Dream on, Bart Man. Starting right now, you are history.” With the final dagger firmly in place, Kristy hangs up, roars and beats her chest…then spirals into a guilt-ridden sobfest.
Chapter Ten: Stacey sits for the Braddocks. A bunch of kids come over. She girds her loins, which I’m sure are in tip-top shape. More kiddie records are set. So I guess that means no more BartandKristy make outs…?
Chapter Eleven: Kristy is still mentally unstable from her incarceration, which is the only plausible explanation for why she calls Jessi first for boy advice. Considering all the hot and heavy nose-nuzzling she has under her belt, Jessi does the wise thing and directs her to Mary Anne. MA launches into a Danny-Tanner-approved sermon about doing things at your own pace, following your heart, and how to properly administer a Dirty Sanchez.
Chapter Twelve: Claudia. Jenny Prezzioso. Quite possibly the most pointless subplot ever, maybe even surpassing the living, breathing subplot herself: Mallory Pike.
Chapter Thirteen: The BSC sets up for a rehearsal for the public demonstration of all the kids’ records because God forbid they should do anything amongst their own age group. I would elaborate, but I’ve dutifully ignored this subplot so far, and I like to keep my promises.
Following Mary Anne’s advice, Kristy later calls Bart to apologize for hanging up on him. Ever the well-oiled machine, Kristy reads him a pre-written apology note, professionally outlining her reasons for not wanting to be his girlfriend and why he should seek refuge in another woman’s bosom.
Bart attempts to squeeze in a few words, but Kristy steamrolls on. Thinking her organizational skills have once again saved the day, she states, “Bart Man, everything’s cool” and naively invites him to the world record demonstration. Proud of her newfound maturity, Kristy hangs up, thus guaranteeing herself a bleak future of unreplied Match.com messages.
Chapter Fourteen: It’s the day of the record demonstration, and in case you need a heavy sedative, here are some of the events: the Cap’n Crunch toss, the egg catch, pogo-stick jumping, dead flies on Post-It notes, realistic fake sneezes, and speed singing (as in singing with speed, not singing on speed).
Because they were doling out Quaaludes before the show, the audience goes crazy, and the BSC go on stage to take a bow. Kristy drags Bart up with her for helping out, and since he does not try to commit manslaughter, she takes this as a good sign. She later brings up the April Fools Dance, and Bart brutally rebuffs her with, “I don’t want to take just a friend to the dance.” He swiftly bikes away, affording Kristy a nice view of the goods she was missing out on.
Chapter Fifteen: Mary Anne, Claudia, and Stacey comfort a hysterical Kristy and eventually help her realize that she was not the only scorned party. She decides to remedy the situation by having a final chat with Bart, in which he makes a final offer to be his lady of the night, and she once again turns him down. They decide to remain friends, and by friends, they mean two people who can never truly be friends due to their bump-n-grind history.
With Bart gone, Kristy now relishes her simple life. She can go to the movies without being mauled to death, and she can babysit without being lured into temptation. The thought of Bart still leaves her with a “funny feeling in [her] stomach,” but it doesn’t bother her. Her resilience to petty things like emotions and sentiment may make her seem less human, but if anything, it only proves that Kristy Thomas is indeed immortal.