Karen's Prize (1-6)
Okay this and Karen's Wedding were the two most requested in my request a snark. I'm gonna snark those two and then take a long break from snarking until the beginning of September.
Karen wins a school spelling bee and the unwarranted self-importance and annoying stuck-up behavior only continues from there. Here's your one free personal anecdote: I bought this book during a time when I was obsessed with winning PVP matches in my Grand Chase videogame, to the point where if I didn't win I would explode like a fucking bomb all over my friend, who I was playing against, and I'd go into a deep depression if I did not win. I knew this had to stop so I put the book on my wishlist in hopes that reading it would teach me why I shouldn't be so damned obsessed with winning. Well, by the time I was finally able to get it, karma decided to bite me and my computer ran into a problem that stopped allowing me to play Grand Chase anymore. I've grown attached to the game (which I have a ton of soulbonds from by now), so I now miss it tremendously and feel like I took it for granted and I promised that if I'm ever able to get it fixed, I will never act like Spelling Bee Karen again when I play.
All right, talking about myself hour is over. On to the snark!
Chapter 1
Karen opens up the book with a race to the desks, already showing that everything has to be a win-or-lose game for her. She screams in class twice and interrupts Miss Colman's announcement and Miss Colman is a very patient teacher. Miss Colman announces that there will be a spelling bee, starting with a classroom bee and then moving on to schoolwide, then townwide, countywide, and statewide, and then finally a national competition. Of course Karen is so there because she can't pass up something to boost her ego! She spells H-O-P as she plays hopscotch, making way for an entire book of obnoxious unnecessary spelling and then she does a Tony The Tiger impression. They talk about how Pamela sucks because she doesn't like pizza or The Wizard Of Oz and also because now she says she couldn't care less about the spelling bee and hates contests. You're not allowed to dislike things Karen likes, y'know.
Chapter 3
Karen spells out Moosie and Tickly's names when she says good morning to them. Karen runs downstairs to breakfast, spells B-A-N-A-N-A, and yells WHO'S GONNA HELP ME WITH SPELLING!!!!! Sam's like oh come on Karen we gave you so many words last night and then gets the hell outta there. Of course, Miss Colman saying everyone SHOULD study=you must study every waking minute of the day in Karen's mind. Karen studies in Kristy's room for a while and then goes outside and asks Watson to give her words. Watson's like "nope sry, can't weed and read words at the same time!!!" so Karen runs inside and makes flash cards and she's like "YOU CAN READ THESE WHILE WEEDING! :D" So he's like "K but only three." Watson doesn't like spending time with his kids okay. Then she bugs Elizabeth to give her three words but Elizabeth only gives her two 'cause a baby's needs are more important than some spelling bee right now. Karen grabs Kristy's eighth grade textbook and HOLY CRAP I KNOW SOME OF THESE WORDS!!!! Then she goes "What's the fun of being smart if no one knows?" and then starts spelling big words at dinner. David Michael's like "Oh shut up" and so she challenges him to a WORD-OFF OHHHH YEAH. David Michael can't spell "sincerely" so Karen's like OH MY GOD YOU'RE A YEAR OLDER THAN ME AND I CAN SPELL BETTER THAN YOU AHAHAHAHAHA and Charlie's like "Hey. Shut up."
Chapter 4
CLASS SPELLING BEE TIME WHOOOOO. Thankfully for her class' sanity, Karen resists the urge to say "Here I am, the next junior spelling champion!" Karen gets an easy-ass word (apple) and then after spelling it takes a bunch of dramatic bows. IT'S JUST FUCKING "APPLE!" Miss Colman tells her to cut that mess out. Of course the 3 girls Karen doesn't like all mess their words because the universe bends to Karen's will. Karen spells another easy-ass word (igloo) and soon it's just her and Nancy left. Karen spells "noisy" because she knows ALL about that word. Finally, Nancy gets out on "hurricane" and Karen is the winner YAAAY OHMYGOD. And the circus begins!
Chapter 5
Karen goes "Do I look the same as I did this morning? Well I'm not! I am now the winner of my class spelling bee!" Well gee, Karen, I didn't know spelling bee winners had a special look to them! Nancy is a nice friend and made Karen a blue ribbon, awww. Then Karen calls everyone in her family about winning a stupid class spelling bee. Shouldn't she like, wait until she wins the SCHOOL spelling bee or the TOWN spelling bee before doing all this? She then bugs her mom and Seth for more words, and at dinner is a rude little shit when Seth asks her to pass the potatoes and she's like "NOPE GOTTA GIVE ME A WORD FIRST." Andrew asks how you play a spelling bee and Karen's like "Y U SO STUPIIIIIID?" Lisa tells her to cut that mess out and apologize but instead of apologizing she spells the word apologize and Seth's like KAREN JUST ANSWER THE FRICKIN QUESTION. So Karen tells him what a spelling bee is and then goes BUT NONE OF THAT MATTERS 'CAUSE ALL THAT MATTERS IS I'M GONNA WIN!!!! Andrew doesn't know what a state is??? Wow. Karen's like YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING!!! and Andrew's like "Yeah I do I know you're acting like a jerk." At bedtime Lisa comes upstairs and gives Karen a half-assed talk about sore winners to pretend she cares.
Chapter 6
Karen declares Monday spelling bee day even though she's not the one running the damn bee. It's time for the schoolwide spelling bee! Of course the few hard words Karen doesn't know bypass her because she's the fourth speller. Again, ANYONE can win anything if the universe bends to their will! Karen is one of the last three left, and wins with "chimney." Karen gets a gift certificate to a bookstore awww no fair I'm gonna steal it from her. D: Karen's like I'M THE QUEEN BEE I'M THE QUEEN BEE and Pamela and her friends are like "Oh shut up." They don't clap even though at my elementary school that would've gotten them yelled at. Miss Colman, however, gives not a single fuck that day.
That's all for now, folks. This is gonna be a doozy.
Karen wins a school spelling bee and the unwarranted self-importance and annoying stuck-up behavior only continues from there. Here's your one free personal anecdote: I bought this book during a time when I was obsessed with winning PVP matches in my Grand Chase videogame, to the point where if I didn't win I would explode like a fucking bomb all over my friend, who I was playing against, and I'd go into a deep depression if I did not win. I knew this had to stop so I put the book on my wishlist in hopes that reading it would teach me why I shouldn't be so damned obsessed with winning. Well, by the time I was finally able to get it, karma decided to bite me and my computer ran into a problem that stopped allowing me to play Grand Chase anymore. I've grown attached to the game (which I have a ton of soulbonds from by now), so I now miss it tremendously and feel like I took it for granted and I promised that if I'm ever able to get it fixed, I will never act like Spelling Bee Karen again when I play.
All right, talking about myself hour is over. On to the snark!
Chapter 1
Karen opens up the book with a race to the desks, already showing that everything has to be a win-or-lose game for her. She screams in class twice and interrupts Miss Colman's announcement and Miss Colman is a very patient teacher. Miss Colman announces that there will be a spelling bee, starting with a classroom bee and then moving on to schoolwide, then townwide, countywide, and statewide, and then finally a national competition. Of course Karen is so there because she can't pass up something to boost her ego! She spells H-O-P as she plays hopscotch, making way for an entire book of obnoxious unnecessary spelling and then she does a Tony The Tiger impression. They talk about how Pamela sucks because she doesn't like pizza or The Wizard Of Oz and also because now she says she couldn't care less about the spelling bee and hates contests. You're not allowed to dislike things Karen likes, y'know.
Chapter 3
Karen spells out Moosie and Tickly's names when she says good morning to them. Karen runs downstairs to breakfast, spells B-A-N-A-N-A, and yells WHO'S GONNA HELP ME WITH SPELLING!!!!! Sam's like oh come on Karen we gave you so many words last night and then gets the hell outta there. Of course, Miss Colman saying everyone SHOULD study=you must study every waking minute of the day in Karen's mind. Karen studies in Kristy's room for a while and then goes outside and asks Watson to give her words. Watson's like "nope sry, can't weed and read words at the same time!!!" so Karen runs inside and makes flash cards and she's like "YOU CAN READ THESE WHILE WEEDING! :D" So he's like "K but only three." Watson doesn't like spending time with his kids okay. Then she bugs Elizabeth to give her three words but Elizabeth only gives her two 'cause a baby's needs are more important than some spelling bee right now. Karen grabs Kristy's eighth grade textbook and HOLY CRAP I KNOW SOME OF THESE WORDS!!!! Then she goes "What's the fun of being smart if no one knows?" and then starts spelling big words at dinner. David Michael's like "Oh shut up" and so she challenges him to a WORD-OFF OHHHH YEAH. David Michael can't spell "sincerely" so Karen's like OH MY GOD YOU'RE A YEAR OLDER THAN ME AND I CAN SPELL BETTER THAN YOU AHAHAHAHAHA and Charlie's like "Hey. Shut up."
Chapter 4
CLASS SPELLING BEE TIME WHOOOOO. Thankfully for her class' sanity, Karen resists the urge to say "Here I am, the next junior spelling champion!" Karen gets an easy-ass word (apple) and then after spelling it takes a bunch of dramatic bows. IT'S JUST FUCKING "APPLE!" Miss Colman tells her to cut that mess out. Of course the 3 girls Karen doesn't like all mess their words because the universe bends to Karen's will. Karen spells another easy-ass word (igloo) and soon it's just her and Nancy left. Karen spells "noisy" because she knows ALL about that word. Finally, Nancy gets out on "hurricane" and Karen is the winner YAAAY OHMYGOD. And the circus begins!
Chapter 5
Karen goes "Do I look the same as I did this morning? Well I'm not! I am now the winner of my class spelling bee!" Well gee, Karen, I didn't know spelling bee winners had a special look to them! Nancy is a nice friend and made Karen a blue ribbon, awww. Then Karen calls everyone in her family about winning a stupid class spelling bee. Shouldn't she like, wait until she wins the SCHOOL spelling bee or the TOWN spelling bee before doing all this? She then bugs her mom and Seth for more words, and at dinner is a rude little shit when Seth asks her to pass the potatoes and she's like "NOPE GOTTA GIVE ME A WORD FIRST." Andrew asks how you play a spelling bee and Karen's like "Y U SO STUPIIIIIID?" Lisa tells her to cut that mess out and apologize but instead of apologizing she spells the word apologize and Seth's like KAREN JUST ANSWER THE FRICKIN QUESTION. So Karen tells him what a spelling bee is and then goes BUT NONE OF THAT MATTERS 'CAUSE ALL THAT MATTERS IS I'M GONNA WIN!!!! Andrew doesn't know what a state is??? Wow. Karen's like YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING!!! and Andrew's like "Yeah I do I know you're acting like a jerk." At bedtime Lisa comes upstairs and gives Karen a half-assed talk about sore winners to pretend she cares.
Chapter 6
Karen declares Monday spelling bee day even though she's not the one running the damn bee. It's time for the schoolwide spelling bee! Of course the few hard words Karen doesn't know bypass her because she's the fourth speller. Again, ANYONE can win anything if the universe bends to their will! Karen is one of the last three left, and wins with "chimney." Karen gets a gift certificate to a bookstore awww no fair I'm gonna steal it from her. D: Karen's like I'M THE QUEEN BEE I'M THE QUEEN BEE and Pamela and her friends are like "Oh shut up." They don't clap even though at my elementary school that would've gotten them yelled at. Miss Colman, however, gives not a single fuck that day.
That's all for now, folks. This is gonna be a doozy.