Claudia and the World's Cutest Baby Chapters 6-10
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Chapter 6
I never check to see who ghostwrites these books, but I figured Lerangis might have been behind this. The constant “eeeeees” and “rrsr” and “grrs” were a dead giveaway. I was right. Lerangis is the culprit. Claudia is making a banner that says “Welcome, Home Lynn.” It’s a sweet gesture, but the Debbie Downer part of me wonders why Claudia bothered making the sign when Lynn is a baby and can’t even read.
It turns out that Claudia is perfectly capable of using the dictionary to check her spelling, which leads me to think that she’s kind of lazy when it comes to school. She checks the words “welcome” and “home.” You seriously can’t spell “home?” I get the feeling that Claudia will be right at home with the people on Facebook who spell the words “for” like “fa” and “you” like “yew” one of these days. The spelling checks out. Claudia does not have to check how Lynn is spelled, because she does know how to spell her own middle name. I can’t spell my second middle name. I usually just use my first middle name, so there was never any need for me to bother with the second one. My second middle name is Adassa.
Wait, I just asked my mom and that’s the correct spelling. I could never remember how many d’s and s’s there were.
It’s Saturday and Peaches and Russ are bringing Lynn home. Claudia is still excited about being a godmother. Godmothers should be the most important part of a child’s life aside from the parents. Good grief, Peaches. The BSC are already entitled jerks who think that they know more about children than their own parents and have first claim on the lives of the children. But now Claudia actually has a legitimate reason to constantly be around Lynn. Pretty soon she’ll start to think that she can do a better job raising Lynn than her parents and just kidnap her.
Claudia wonders why Peaches didn’t ask Janine because Janine is older and a good role model. Janine is sweet and tells Claudia that she and Peaches have a special relationship and Claudia deserves it. Claudia is determined to be the best godmother ever. At thirteen the most I could do would be helping a little around the house. I knew nothing about babies then, and I know nothing now. I mostly just play with my cousins and listen to their problems about school and their classmates. I really don’t have much of an authoritative role in their lives.
Claudia fantasizes about Lynn finding the banner when she’s older and clutching it tearfully to her chest. Okay. I make jewelry for some of my cousins. In fact, I bonded with two of them by teaching them how to make necklaces. One of them made me a bracelet for my birthday. I still have it. The younger one gave me a candy wrapper to remember her by. I feel bad that I lost it. I don’t expect them to hold the necklaces I made them and carefully remember their beloved cousin. Then again, I’m not dead. The way Claudia is going on, you’d think that she died in that little scenario. My face was pretty much, O_o.
Janine comes into the room and Claudia asks her what she thinks of the banner. Janine asks who Home Lynn is. The first thing I thought of was that scene in Ramona’s Father where Ramona made a sign saying “No Smoking,” but she ran out of room on the sign, so her father asked who “Nosmo King” was. I feel that I can reread the Ramona books and still enjoy them. When I reread the BSC books, I don’t enjoy them as much as I did in my childhood. I still remember lots of Ramona bits. I loved how we got books from Beezus’s point of view as well. I always remember when Beezus was feeling guilty because she didn’t love Ramona all the time and he mother told her that it was fine not to love your sibling all the time. In the BSC world, being annoyed at your sibling means you’re Satan.
Anyway, Janine tells Claudia that she misplaced the comma and Claudia grabs some scissors. I guess this sibling rivalry is about to come to a head, huh? Claudia is quite indignant that I would think she would use the scissors on Janine. Given how many times you and your friends whine about Janine, can you blame me? I haven’t forgotten the time you nearly slapped Janine, and that was completely unprovoked. Claudia just uses the scissors to cut out the comma, but the banner is ruined. I probably would have just turned the misplaced comma into a cool design, gotten a new piece of paper, or put something over the comma, like a flower or a crystal.
Never mind, Claudia does get another piece of paper. She has to set an example for Lynn. I really don’t think people will tell Lynn the story of her godmother who misplaced a comma when she’s older, Claudia. I don’t think Lynn will hold a grudge for a misplaced comma, either. By the time Claudia finishes her brand new banner, the parents are back home with party supplies. The Kishis are going to take food over to Peaches and Russ. I wonder if they’re taking casseroles. People always seem to be cooking casseroles. I don’t really like casseroles all that much.
They go to Peaches’s house and hang up the banner. Claudia cleans out the fridge. I guess Peaches had monster cravings for ice cream while she was pregnant. My mom had relatively easy pregnancies. She had very little cravings and morning sickness, and her labors were relatively short.
Claudia is shocked that her father bought M&M’s. Mr. Kishi says that Peaches will need the extra energy, but I like to think that Claudia’s family does eat sweets sometimes. The difference is that they eat a sensible amount and don’t stuff themselves with junk food all the time. Claudia sets all her presents in prominent places, which kind of freaks me out a little. It’s as if she’s making sure everything in the house reminds Lynn of her.
By 11:45, everything is taken care of. Janine asks if there’s film on Claudia’s camera and there isn’t. Oh, the horror! Claudia freaks out because poor Lynn will never know what she looked like when she came home from the hospital. What a tragedy. I’m assuming that Lynn will have a scrunched up face and be really small. The babies I’ve seen are small and have scrunched up faces. My mom says she has lots of pictures of me when I was a baby. I want to look at them later. I love looking at pictures of my mom and her family as children.
Claudia demands that her father take her to the store and Janine protests that there isn’t time. Claudia screams that she won’t let Lynn down. I really don’t think Lynn will be overly upset that there aren’t any pictures of her on her first day home. I’m sure Claudia will take plenty of pictures later. I bet the BSC will be like those parents on Facebook who post pictures of their baby all the time, and post idiotic child-caring advice. I’ve never actually seen people post stupid child-caring advice on Facebook, but I would not put it past Kristy.
Mr. Kishi and Claudia rush to the drugstore, and I feel like playing Mission Impossible. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to find film for Lynn’s homecoming. This message will self-destruct in thirty seconds. Claudia buys the film and makes it back to the car. As she and her father are turning down Peaches’s street, they see Russ’s car. Claudia flips out because the surprise will be ruined. She decides to just deal.
Claudia takes pictures of the car from behind and in the driveway. Riveting. Okay, Peaches cuddling Lynn does make a nice picture. Wow, Claudia’s already on the second roll. You don’t need to document every single waking moment of Lynn’s life. Peaches and Russ like the little get together. Janine puts on classical music and Claudia dances around with Lynn. Every time I read about people dancing around with a newborn I always think that the newborn will throw up. Claudia is twirling around. Would Lynn puke? I hate twirling. Lynn actually does puke a little, but it’s a small amount. Claudia cleans Lynn up and changes her diaper.
Russ tells Claudia not to hog the baby. Claudia goes outside and makes Janine take lots of pictures with her and Lynn. I wasn’t this obsessed whenever my little cousins were born. Once in a while Claudia lets other people hold Lynn. Claudia, Lynn isn’t your damn child! Quit hogging the damn baby! Maybe her parents would like to hold her. Peaches takes Lynn into the nursery for a nap, and Claudia already misses her. Bloody hell, Claudia is obsessed. Maybe she’ll just decide to camp out in the nursery and watch Lynn sleep. Great, now I’m imagining Claudia breaking into the house and sneaking into the nursery to rock Lynn and sing to her.
A little while later Mrs. Kishi thinks that the new parents should have some time alone, so they’ll be on their way. Peaches and Russ say they don’t have to leave, but Mrs. Kishi is firm. Claudia volunteers to stay because she doesn’t trust Peaches and Russ to take care of their daughter and she has to get her fill of the baby. Mrs. Kishi warns Claudia not to stay too late. Claudia thinks that it’s because Peaches is worn out. Claudia cleans up a little and then watches Lynn sleep. I watched my cousin sleep for a few moments, and then I got bored. Maybe I lack that something inside me that melts when I see a sleeping infant.
Russ invites Claudia over for dinner, and she accepts. By the time Russ drops Claudia home, it’s seven-thirty. Mrs. Kishi is a little annoyed because she thinks that Claudia overstayed her welcome. When Claudia goes to sleep she suffers from Lynn withdrawal. Why are the BSC so obsessed with kids? I can get liking kids, but this is just creepy! It’s like they have a pathological need to spend every waking moment with every child in Stoneybrook and have every child in Stoneybrook adore them. I need to remember to tag this entry with creepy involvement with kids.
Chapter 7
Russ looks like hell when he answers the door the next morning. Claudia shows some courtesy and asks if she should come back later. Russ tells her Claudia is welcome to stay as long as she makes coffee. Claudia asks if it was a bad night. They have a newborn baby in the house. I’m pretty sure they’ll lose a bunch of sleep with a newborn baby. Russ tells her yes, and Claudia says that some babies are like that. Thank you, Claudia.
It seriously reads like Claudia is the veteran care-taker here and Russ and Peaches are newbies. Just because you babysit does not mean you’re a childcare expert. There’s a difference between babysitting kids for a few hours and taking care of them full time. The BSC are also lucky because they get to babysit idealized versions of kids. These kids are always cute, fun, creative, and willing to listen to whatever they say. They would not be able to deal with the downsides of parenting. Just look at how they freak out whenever Jenny wants to do something different.
Claudia goes to prepare coffee. I’ve never used a coffee machine. My family just boils water in a kettle and then adds the coffee, creamer, and sugar. Claudia prepares the coffee and then rushes up to see Lynn because she hasn’t seen her cousin in eight hours and she needs her fix. Peaches is rocking Lynn and Russ is sitting next to them beaming. That does make a cute picture.
Lynn “eeeeees” again, and Claudia tells Peaches to try a rubbing motion. Claudia calls herself the veteran of BSC newborns. Aside from Lynn, how many newborns has Claudia exclusively babysat? Lynn doesn’t even count since she just came home a day ago. You know who deserves the title of veteran of BSC newborns? Mallory. Mallory’s probably spent most of her life dealing with newborn children and her siblings are clients of the BSC.
It turns out Claudia fucked up the coffee. After she berates herself for being a terrible godmother, Claudia goes to get more coffee. She then tells Peaches a bunch of tips and cleans up around the house. I wouldn’t mind having free cleaning service, but the constant tips would get on my nerves. The BSC show up. Oh, goody. As you can expect, they’re a bunch of obnoxious twits who squeal and fuss over the baby. I just really hate how the BSC feels like they have to intrude on everyone who has a child. Maybe Peaches and Russ would like a little quiet time with their new child.
By six, Peaches and Russ are insisting that they didn’t need Claudia. Claudia calls them troopers. Claudia really doesn’t read like a thirteen-year-old cousin, here. She reads like an overbearing mother who can’t bear to let her children raise her grandchild on her own. It’s as if she thinks that Peaches and Russ can’t get along without her. What am I saying- she does think that.
Claudia leaves at eight. She comes really close to stealing Lynn. I’m just boggling. Claudia’s creep factor just gets higher and higher. Those fanfictions people mentioned about Claudia stealing the baby are becoming canon.
After seeing Lynn so much over the weekend, Claudia can’t pay attention in school. I don’t think Claudia paid that much attention in school to begin with, anyway. I don’t get to see most of my cousins because they live in South Carolina, England, and Trinidad. I’ve learned to deal with the fact that I might miss years of their lives. Claudia manages to relate Philadelphia to Lynn.
For some reason, Claudia is excited to learn about history when she goes to Philadelphia. I thought Claudia hated school, except for art. Was there any mention that Claudia liked history a little? Claudia’s classmate Melissa says she’s going to request Claudia, and Claudia feels guilty because she requested Abby and Stacey. You don’t have to feel guilty because you would rather hang out with your friends than a classmate you barely speak to.
Claudia babysits for the Prezziosos that night and nearly burst into tears when she puts Andrea to bed. I bet Claudia spent the entire job cooing over Andrea and ignoring Jenny. Jenny probably said “screw it,” and retreated to her room so she wouldn’t have to watch Claudia go gaga over her little sister.
The next day Claudia races over to Peaches’s house and stays a long time. Russ teases Claudia about being bossy, and I think he’s subtly trying to tell her to leave them alone for a bit. Kristy would be even worse to deal with. Claudia thinks Peaches doesn’t mind. It’s an honor to get unsolicited baby advice from the BSC. Claudia condescendingly thinks that Peaches has mom potential. I hate this attitude. I’m reminded of Mary Anne and Too Many Babies where she and Dawn kept bugging their parents to have another baby because they were sitters and therefore could take care of a newborn. Then they had the audacity to tell Mallory and Jessi that they weren’t parents yet, just because they weren’t babysitting an egg. I seriously think Mallory should have told them that she spent her life raising siblings and Dawn and Mary Anne knew jack shit about raising kids. Seriously, Mary Anne’s an only child and Dawn probably doesn’t remember what adjusting to life with Jeff was like.
On Friday Ms.B. passes out the assignment sheets. Claudia gets to room with Stacey and Abby. Melissa is disappointed because she wanted to room with Claudia. Melissa asks Claudia to switch, and Claudia feels guilty because she wants to room with Abby and Stacey. Maybe I’m a bad person, but I don’t think you have to feel guilty because you would rather hang out with your best friends than a classmate you don’t know. Claudia offers to take Melissa on a pity trip to the mall. You really don’t owe Melissa anything. I’d be pretty irritated if one of my friends invited someone I didn’t know on a shopping trip.
Melissa goes shopping with Abby and Stacey, and it’s a little bit awkward. Claudia thinks that she did a good deed. In the first place, you are not required to take Melissa on a pity shopping trip just because you feel guilty that you would rather hang out with your best friends than some girl you barely know. Second, Claudia talking about doing a good deed just has the air of, “Oh, we’re popular students so we’re going to be nice to the poor little unpopular girl and take her out on a pity trip because we feel sorry for her.”
Claudia spends even more time with Lynn, which annoys Mrs. Kishi. Claudia thinks that Peaches and Russ can’t get along without her because they have a newborn baby and no one to guide them.Don’t new parents have to learn to raise their kids on their own at some point? I really, really am annoyed with Claudia right now. I’d also like to point out that there are babies who don’t have the BSC in their lives, and they turned out okay.
On the Tuesday before the trip, there’s a little bit of tension. Peaches says she’s going to bed and Russ says he’ll stay up all night. Peaches gets mad at Russ’s tone and points out that she’s been staying with the baby all day. Russ fires back by asking Peaches if she thinks it’s easy being a working parent. Russ looks at Claudia and says they should discuss this another time. I would be really embarrassed at hearing my aunt and uncle fight.
Peaches is too mad to stop fighting and tells Russ she never sees him anymore. Russ is all, “When I see you, you’re sleeping!” and I seriously think he was whining about not getting any. Peaches is all, “How the hell am I supposed to sleep? When I’m not taking care of the baby, I’m entertaining!” Russ wants to know how that’s his fault.
Claudia leaves. She wonders what Peaches meant about the hotel and does not see that her behavior might be annoying her aunt and uncle. She wonders how they’ll survive the weekend without her. Well, I imagine they’ll be happy to get a break. And the BSC isn’t all that. You guys aren’t the paragons of child-care. Lots of kids were raised without the BSC involved, and I’m sure they turned out fine. I wonder what would happen if Kristy decided to expand the BSC and turn it into a full-fledged company. I would laugh if she failed miserably.
Chapter 8
Mary Anne is sitting for the Arnolds. The twins are freaked out about the horror movie they saw. Did they have parental controls on the TV back then? After some standard stuff about the kids being afraid to go to bed without the lights on, they ask Mary Anne to read to them. Mary Anne is so sensitive because she doesn’t tell them they’re too old to be read to and can read by themselves. That’s sensitivity? I was reading books in the car on the way to kindergarten and I still liked being read to. The twins are eight. I think eight-year-olds can still enjoy being read to.
Mary Anne reads to them, and then goes downstairs to read Catcher in the Rye. Claudia enjoys that book. I hate that book. It was okay at first, but then I got sick of Holden whining about how people were phonies. I don’t care about his stupid red hunting hat, I don’t care about how he hates phonies, I don’t care about a goddamn thing Holden does. I know Holden probably had a mental break because of his brother’s death, but I was too busy trying to beat myself to death with my copy of the book to analyze it. If I wanted to read about a disillusioned youth, I could either read my journal or read Facebook postings.
Mary Anne agrees to let the children watch TV. Kristy probably would have convinced the girls to go monster hunting. She finds a station that’s showing a behind-the-scenes- look at the making of Horrorville. They watch that. The girls and Mary Anne are into the special effects used in the movie. That sounds cool. I bet Claudia would have enjoyed watching that.
Chapter 9
Claudia comes to see Peaches again. Clearly being subtle with Claudia won’t work. Do you think telling Claudia that Russ and Peaches need time by themselves would work? No, it won’t. I bet Peaches nearly let the word fuck slip when she saw Claudia. Claudia is sad because she’s going on her trip the next day, so she won’t see Lynn for a long time. At least your cousin lives in the same area, Claudia. My youngest cousins live in England, so the only time I see them is for Christmas and summer.
Claudia brings a diaper bag and Peaches loves it. Claudia babbles on and mentions something about Lynn being lactose intolerant.
Peaches says she’s not, and Claudia says “well, just in case,” and Peaches is like, “She isn’t lactose intolerant. We’ve been through this with the doctor.”
After babbling on about baby wipes, Claudia goes to see Lynn. She wakes Lynn up by stepping on a rattle. Peaches is upset because she just put Lynn down for a nap. Claudia volunteers to put her to sleep and notices that Peaches looks like she’s about to cry. Well, if I was losing sleep because I had a newborn baby and I finally got her to sleep only to have someone wake her, I’d probably feel like crying as well.
Peaches takes Lynn and tells Claudia that bouncing Lynn makes her worst. She tells Claudia that she doesn’t know everything. Thank you! The BSC needs to hear this more often. Claudia thinks that Peaches is going through postpartum depression. No, she’s snapping at you because you’re being an overbearing nuisance. I wish people would tell the BSC they don’t know everything more often. Claudia decides not to take it personally and goes to tell Peaches how to raise her child some more.
Peaches gets annoyed and tells Claudia that she knows she’s trying to help, but Lynn isn’t the only one in the house. Claudia doesn’t take the hint. Peaches elaborates and says that she and Russ are getting a routine down pat, and they’re getting a little independent. Claudia finally takes the hint and proceeds to throw a gigantic fit. She whines that they don’t want her around, and
Peaches just tells her she’d like a little time alone with her family. Peaches is being rather reasonable here. She only snapped at Claudia once, and given how annoying Claudia has been, she would have been well within her rights to snap at Claudia more than once.
Claudia is really getting into her fit now. She goes on about how she’s just a nuisance who ruins everything and Peaches is trying to get Claudia to calm down. Claudia thinks that it was her mom who turned Peaches against her. Claudia seriously reads like a stalker yelling about how the victim’s family turned them against her. Peaches says she hasn’t been talking to her sister. Yes, Claudia, Peaches was perfectly capable of getting annoyed at your constant intrusions on her own. Claudia stomps off yelling that Peaches won’t see her for another weekend.
I’m torn between wanting to smack Claudia and feeling embarrassed for her. No, I pretty much just want to smack her. Why do the BSC take it as a personal insult if parents don’t want them involved with their kids? Claudia makes sure to slam the door.
Peaches calls for Claudia that night, but Claudia doesn’t answer the phone. It’s not because she’s angry. Oh, is it because she’s embarrassed about her gigantic tantrum? No, she’s too busy packing. I’m reminded of the scene in Arthur where Muffy is going with Sue Ellen to Crown City and she packs a shit load of stuff, prompting Sue Ellen’s father to ask if Muffy knew the trip was just for a weekend. Claudia brings two sweaters in case it gets cold. She can’t repeat. I wear the same sweater all the time. She packs summer clothes, but they don’t go with either sweater, so she packs a jeans jacket. Then she puts in heavier clothes in case it gets really cold (how cold is Philadelphia in May?) Then Claudia packs a nice dress in case of a fancy dinner, and a bunch of shoes. I would have just resigned myself to repeating an outfit and wearing the same shoes for a while. I would have to worry about books. I would get book withdrawal.
The phone rings and Claudia feels all her fury at Peaches welling up. You’re really being an unreasonable brat, here, Claudia. It turns out Melissa is calling to ask if Claudia is taking a hat. Claudia answers her, and goes back to battling with the suitcase. Either take some stuff out, or rearrange it. I’m pretty sure you don’t need everything in your suitcase. Melissa calls again to talk about toiletries and Claudia calls her a pest. Melissa is supposed to be a parallel of Claudia, but Claudia is being way more annoying. She’s been imposing herself on Russ and Peaches constantly. Melissa has just asked Claudia to be her roommate, went shopping with her (Claudia invited her, anyway) and called her three times. If Melissa wanted to be a bigger pest, she’d call Claudia constantly, try to sit by her at lunch, and wait for her at home.
The next day Claudia goes off on the trip. The suitcase is heavy. Abby comes over to help and is teasing Claudia about overpacking. Melissa comes to help and drops the suitcase. They manage to load the suitcase up alright. Stacey sits next to Claudia and starts talking. I would have had a book with me if I wasn’t talking to my friends. I like hanging out with my friends, but I need downtime. Claudia is emo because she’s still mad about being called a pest. Maybe Peaches was calling to apologize and to tell you that she and Russ wanted you around, just not all the time.
Claudia imagines Lynn hating her because her parents told Lynn what a pest Claudia was. Good grief. Claudia sees rain on the bus window, but it may be a reflection of her tears. Let me play you a song on the world’s smallest violin.
Chapter 10
The class arrives in Philadelphia. The hotel they’re staying at is mediocre at best. Melissa wants to be next to Claudia’s room. Why is she so obsessed with Claudia? Claudia, Stacey, and Abby go to their room, and make a bunch of racket unpacking. Why must they make racket wherever they go? Don’t they believe in peace and quiet? I like peace and quiet. Melissa is staring at them and they start laughing.
Claudia goes for food and tries a hoagie. Melissa comes running up to her and sits down. Lily is annoyed. So partners have to stick together at all times and can’t interact with anyone else, ever? Melissa makes a nuisance of herself. It’s really embarrassing to watch someone fall over themselves to be someone else’s friend when it’s clear that the person wants nothing to do with them. Claudia has a nice time eating desserts and watching movies with her friends.