BSC #38: Kristy's Mystery Admirer
This has been a really stressful day, prepping for JET life and a Pike-ish ruckus going on in the house (one small nephew and two brothers with voices you can hear from Canada substitute eight children, in this case). So time to crack open the last book on this project and rip it to shreds as quickly as I possibly can! It’s been really fun being an active member of this community, guys, and you’re all awesome and have contributed much laughter to my life. I’ll still lurk around and comment!
The cover: I would like it way better if there wasn’t another damn kid on the cover, which again was probably a reminder that this was going to be a “clean” read. David Michael looks Asian and Kristy’s features look nothing like his. She is suitably dressed in her turtleneck and has her pants cuffed the same way as DM’s to show her boyishness. Shannon is wearing her uniform and looks suitably spiffy. They’re all gawking over an envelope covered in hearts. Hmmm. Also Kristy is almost as tall as Shannon. She’s supposed to be borderline midget, Hodges!
Inside my copy, someone has scribbled “B.S.C. Library” and put a weirdly folded post-it note with a piece of paper in it that says “Phone # Name” then the name of the book. No #? Good call, kid, since this book later got hawked. I got most of these books for 50-75 cents a piece at a used bookstore over a decade ago, so sometimes they have little interesting surprising in them. Fittingly, this is a book full of all kinds of weird notes, amirite?
Moving on. I loved this book as a kid. I thought the love letters and Bart intrigue were sooo juicy. Let's see if it lives up to expectations (You may use a Daria voice when reading that sentence because that's my attitude right now). We start with Kristy scaring the shit out of Jackie by raising her voice out of nowhere while he’s at bat. Bashers v. Krushers, ninth inning, and he’s on strike two. I don’t know why speaking softly and then yelling outrageously would help. My dad did that to me while backseat driving when I was a teen and I almost got into a wreck. Not the best plan. Anyhow, on the first page we get Kristy’s juicy confession that she wants in Bart’s pants. Our hormones are stilled when she starts mentioning the kids. DARN YOU, G-RATED LITERATURE! This is the first time the Krushers look like they might win! I still bemoan them having a two-and-half- year- old on their team. WTF. My six-year-old nephew would get creamed playing with ten-year-olds and at two he would have been off balance. I seriously don’t know what Ann was thinking when she created the Perkins girls. “She’s a pretty good hitter for her age,” Kristy says of Gabby. But how the hell is she supposed to run fast enough to cover the bases? And how well can a two year old concentrate on a game like this and know when to run and have the exertion and patience for a nine inning game???? We’re supposed to believe 5-year-old Claire throws fits but Gabby is just fine? Also, with how hyper Claire is, I’m shocked even SHE makes it through these games.I’m way overanalyzing a BSC book. Bases are loaded at this point, folks, and it’s a tie game. They all inwardly sweat that since it’s Jackie they won’t win but then he hits a home run and they do. That’ll teach ‘em! It turns out four of their best Bashers are not playing this game, but the Krushers are pleased and so is Kristy. We get a rundown of the team… and I still get annoyed hearing Claire yell “Nofe air, nofe air!” I would bench her. Charlie is waiting to drive them all home because he lacks a life of his own. Kristy would probably destroy the Junk Bucket if he tried to go to college out of state or away from home. Wait a second no, that’ll be Sam the Carpal Tunnel Hand man up next to drive them for a couple of years. And when he tries to leave, something like this might happen:
After which Sam would be drugged and forced to continue chauffeuring forever.
Kristy nearly wets her pants when Bart offers to walk her home. Of course she goes and surprisingly Karen does not throw a fit that Kristy does not spend every second with her. If this was a LS book we’d never hear the end of it. Once alone (oooooooooooo, says the little kid in me) he congratulates her and then regales her with a story that happened in the boy’s locker room when some guy swung on the pipes and broke the sprinkler system. Kristy asks if the “kid” was hurt. I don’t know anyone who would call someone their own age a “kid” especially when you’re in middle school and trying to be grown up, right? Did you ever like being thought of as a “little kid” when you were in middle school? That’s one pet peeve I have with these books. Kristy then tells Bart about a girl who got whacked in the head during field hockey. Pervy Bart immediately talks about the kilts girls wear in field hockey and says he can’t imagine Kristy in one (but you know he’s trying). “You should wear skirts more often,” he says. Bart, settle down there. Kristy obliviously says, “Why?” Hahaha, oh Kristy. You’ll learn one day. He says she’d look pretty. (Her face is up here Bart, stop looking below the waist!). Bart then asks all sorts of questions a thirteen-year-old would never ask about her, and Kristy asks if this is a talk show or something. He then says he wants to know more about her life. Aww. Foreshadowing again when we hear Stacey’s not doing so well. Then they talk about Bart and his band. He plays the guitar (electric, acoustic, you name it, is pretty much what he says.) Bart drops her off at home and walks away whistling.
Practically as soon as Kristy walks in, she starts with more summary, and thankfully Shannon calls to cut that off. I wish she would call every Chapter 2 and we could forget about the recaps. Aw man, Shannon only asks about the game. No…Shannon, doooooooooooooon’t- she hangs up and we get our summaries. I’m not consoled even by the adorableness that is EM watching Sesame Street. Nothing new, except Kristy directly says that she misses her father. That jerk deserves a grownup Cokie Mason to share his life with. She also tells us about not wearing a bra. No wonder Bart’s enthralled. She may be flat-chested but running around I’m sure something’s going on. Perrrrrv.
So Charlie drives Kristy to a meeting the next day and says he’ll be back in half an hour. Does he just drive around in circles until she’s ready to leave? Because by the time he gets home he’ll have to come back for her. I know what we all think is really going on in the car. Kristy lets herself in because the Kishis want to be burglarized and leave the door unlocked every day. Maybe they’re hoping Claudia will disappear and they can just have Janine. Claudia’s in serious pain from her leg and says she can sense it’s going to rain. I have heard of this being a factual occurrence for others, but my arm fracture from several years ago cannot sense rain. We get the most pointless paragraph ever about where they usually all sit during meetings, complete with sentences like “But sometimes Stacey sits here and Dawn sits there.” Does this really matter? Get to the juicy porno letters already! Coincidentally, Stacey acts as though she’s watching delicious porn when she collects dues. AND HOLY SHIT GUYS. READ THIS SENTENCE: “Charlie demanded his money before he would drive me home.” CHARLIE is being authoritative for once? I am shocked, shocked I tell you. He probably couldn’t finish before the meeting and was too frustrated to have his shit-eating grin on that day.
OMG, Shannon called four times while Kristy was out. (Why didn’t she just call Claudia’s at six and say “waiiiiiiiiiiiiiit don’t let Kristy leave!”?). Kristy takes the one cordless phone they have (fancy) and goes in the closet to speak in private. It’s static-filled, but the most important convo ever for a thirteen-year-old. Kristy has a love letter put in Shannon’s mailbox! And there are heart and flower stickers all over it! I’ve never been one to make the Kristy in the closet jokes (oh, wait she literally is in one right now) but is her admirer a girl? Because that’s so feminine. Imagine a thirteen-year-old boy going to the store and purchasing heart and flower stickers. He’d never hear the end of it. Shannon offers to bring the letter over after dinner because everyone is yelling for Kristy to come out of the closet *bad um shiiii* and come to dinner. She says Sam has the world’s loudest voice (I bet my brothers are louder).
Shannon apparently looks like Meryl Streep and wants a nose job…I like her so I’ll let this pass ( the Meryl part is awesome the nose job part not so much. Don’t go all Mallory on me, Shannon!). They go to Kristy’s room and look at the letter which basically says the guy likes her, wants to go steady, but isn’t brave enough to say so in person. “Love, Your Mystery Admirer.” Kristy is surprised by Shannon’s squee-ing because like Stacey she’s “had millions of boyfriends.” Are Stacey and Shannon walking STDs? Kristy thinks Sam did it, but Shannon knows better and is like “You know it’s Bart.” Kristy goes, “Why wouldn’t he just say this stuff, then?” After just talking about how nervous she is around him. *facepalm* Kristy agrees with me that the envelope looks like it’s from a girl and Shannon says that it’s just Bart trying to make it look nice. Shannon leaves and Kristy calls Bart to see if he’ll drop hints. They chat for fifteen minutes about random stuff and nothing comes of it. Kristy doesn’t think he’s the admirer.
Baby-sitting! The Perkins girls by Stacey. I am shocked that Laura doesn’t leap out of her stroller, start cartwheeling, and doing sixth grade level math. Before we segue into that, we thankfully get Kristy’s story. After talking about the accurate paper girl, Kristy finds another love letter. This note is way cornier as the writer ponders over whether he’s in love with Kristy and can’t stop thinking about her. “You’re as beautiful as a snow-covered mountain.” Is this sappy or what? The BSC totally thinks it’s Bart. Kristy gets another note that says I love you a bunch of times. Then we go to Stacey and the Perkins girls. It’s boring until we hear Kristy invited Bart to the Halloween Hop and that they decided to have a World Series for the kids. Only slightly less boring is when Stacey teases that Bart and Kristy decided to elope and Kristy freaks as if suggesting such a thing will cause the universe to explode.
Kristy also freaks out over the cafeteria food and scares MA with it. For the dance we learn that Claudia wants Woody Jefferson to ask her. What a name. I now want to picture how these girls would react if they got the notes instead of Kristy.
Stacey: Aloof (millions of boyfriends tend to do that)
Claudia: Pleased + durptastic detective hunt for him (like in the Middle School Mystery book)
MA: Sob-tastic (“But I have Logan, but the word love a million times is sooooooo beautiful!”) I think Mary Anne would fit well in here:
Mary Anne: He stalks me? That's so beautiful! I hope he abducts me, too. That's a true sign of love!
Dawn: “Who cares?” which translates to “OMG SOMEONE LIKES MEEEEEE!”
Mal/Jessi: Pony squeals
Here we get some of the worst unintentional plot spoiling ever. Cokie sees Kristy put the love letters on the table and overhears them. GEE, I WONDER WHAT WILL HAPPEN. Duuuuuuuuuuuuuurp. We also get some more shitty, shitty writing. The Halloween Hop is coming up, right? So the girls reminisce about the last Halloween with MA’s bad-luck charm. Problem is, they were in eighth grade during that time. This book does nothing to compensate for the time continuum problem. We’ll get to that more later. There’s also a little schpeel in an attempt to get kids to clean up after themselves. The good guys (BSC) clear their table and the bad guys (Cokie and the Prostitute Gang) leave their trash everywhere. Kristy returns home to find a note that says “Dear Kristy, I love you x 70 jillion but beware. Love is fickle and so are friends. Watch out for your mystery admirer” This is so dumb as a prank. If you’re trying to scare someone. I mean, really? NOW Kristy thinks it may be from Bart and says, “Maybe he’s crazy.” - o_0
We then get a chapter where the Pikes brainstorm costumes. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ They plan to put a Haunted House in the basement.
Hell froze over in BSC land because Kristy does not say a word when the clock hits 5:30 or 5:31. Everyone looks like an ax murderer just entered. She got three additional notes and they’re bizarre. One about her being dead, one about blood, and my favorite “I want us to be in eternal togetherness so I’m coming to get you.” They ponder over Bart and Sam, then a random psycho who wants ransom. Kristy, if someone wanted ransom they wouldn’t send you notes, they’d have grabbed you off the sidewalk on the way back from softball practice or something, when you least expect it. THEN send notes to Watson demanding cash. Kristy is so irrational she thinks a kidnapper would use a ladder to get to her room. And how would he get down with you that way? He’d have to go through the rest of the house. Shannon is sensible for debunking this theory about a random lunatic, but she also loses mojo points for suggesting Bart wrote them to cause the Krushers to lose by putting Kristy off her game. At the game the next day, Shannon gets hit on the head and when Bart tries to comfort her and make sure she’s ok, she blows him off. Kristy also ignores him and hangs up on him later.
Another boring sitting chapter laced with letters. Kristy gets an envelope of toenail clippings. Bart follows Kristy after a practice and demands to know why she won’t talk to him and why Shannon won’t. She ignores him and gets in Charlie’s car. He calls again and Kristy has Sam tell him she went to Europe, which Sam enjoys way too much. Of course Bart comes over to figure out wtf is going on and Kristy sure is easygoing about letting him up to her room, alone with the door closed where no one can hear her scream and all the other movie clichés for someone who thinks he’s guilty. She gets scared when he gets angry. Kristy shows him all the notes and he blushes but then is like “The hell? I didn’t write this many.” He’s upset she thinks he wrote the crazy notes but is all ready to put the creeper moves on when she says she liked the first letters. “You’re really special, Kristy.” Shannon calls and comes over. They brainstorm for ages and come up dry. Guys, remember last Halloween that you just reminisced about even though it took place in the same year as this one? Remember those bad luck notes you just discussed. WHO sent them? WHO saw the notes and doesn’t like you, and thus would be able to imitate what you saw? It’s not brain surgery, guys. And of course, the three Ho-Ho goons show up to the World Series game. Cokie is evidently dumber than Claudia or the pile of rocks in your backyard because just like in #17 she used a fucking phrase from one of the letters.
Here’s a paraphrase:
Cokie: So you and Bart seem tight.
Kristy: We might plan to spend our lives together (she literally says this)
Cokie: That’s nice. Eternal togetherness?
How DUMB do you have to be? She could have strung Kristy along for months. Unlike MA, who duuuuuuuuuuurped and didn’t get the hint, Kristy immediately grabs Cokie by the arm and is like, “Whatchoo talking about? You wrote that shit?” Cokie admits it all because of the Halloween before (which is SUPPOSED to be a year ago since it’s Halloween again, but evidently time just repeated itself because it’s the same year. So they’ve waited a year to get revenge, but not really. Damn time issue). Cokie says they were humiliated by the incident and Kristy says prepare to be humiliated more by this. Cokie straight up runs away. The Krushers win, Kristy ponders whether Bart will be her boyfriend. Before meeting her boy toy, she tells the club who the culprit was and they’re all, “OMG whuuuut.” Stacey says, “That sewer rat!” and Kristy narrates that Stacey still thinks in NY terms. Because that’s how New Yorkers totally talk and insult enemies. A major cockblocking ensues when Charlie yells for Kristy and Mr. Taylor yells for Bart to GTF in their respective vehicles. Sigh.
Shannon tries to put makeup and a fancy dress on Kristy for the Hop, but Kristy is spared from femininity when Bart calls to say he has two old lobster costumes from his parents. We learn that Woody Jefferson asked Claudia and Stacey got up the nerve to ask Kelsey Bauman. We do not see, nor do we hear anything of these boys again. Bart and Kristy are nervous and hold claws. They dance awkwardly and “whirl” by Logan and MA, dressed as Frankenstein and a witch. (MA had to talk him out of being Glinda.) Bart and Kristy slow dance, they win a free pizza from Pizza Express for having the most unusual costumes, and Kristy gets kissed on the cheek. WHOA, Bart-man. Slow down there.
They have a sleepover and Shannon joins them for once. I wish Logan could since he’s just like one of the girls anyway. Apparently one of Cokie’s fake eyelashes fell in the punch bowl and Miranda Shillaber made a big deal about getting a new bowl since the old one had been contaminated. Uh, I would make a big deal, too. That’s gross. “I danced with eight different boy and they were all clods!” Jessi announced. Jessi, you skank! Speaking of club skanks, for someone who’s had millions of boyfriends, Shannon FREAKS over the kiss Kristy got at the dance. We get a lot of Alan Gray dissing in this book and Kristy says Bart’s way better. I would love to read the book where Claud dates Alan Gray even if FF books tend to be crappy just because I want to see how he actually behaved well enough to get Claudia. They ask if Kristy’s in love and she doesn’t say anything. They talk about being scared with Cokie on that first Halloween of the year. Fittingly, MA says “just last Halloween” instead of “last year” as if she’s self aware that there have been two eighth grade Halloweens. The girls hear a scream and freak out. Karen’s having a bad dream. Kristy finds a scary letter in her bed that says the kidnapper must have her, can’t be stopped, and is coming at 3:00 a.m. Shannon did it- and this is not the first time this book has made her seem creepy. I glossed over it but earlier Stacey’s in the outfield watching the kids get ready for practice when suddenly: “Hey…” a voice said. And it’s Shannon, as though she’d been creepin’ on Stacey. They end by writing a dumb note to Cokie that’s not really funny at all.
I find it funny that we get a big gap between books that develop Kristy's relationship with Bart. They go to dances and stuff and then in book 96 BAM lots of making out. Maybe it's because Peter Lerangis wrote that one and he's a male so understands better what a teenage boy is like and what he wants over lobster spooning and kisses on the cheek?
The cover: I would like it way better if there wasn’t another damn kid on the cover, which again was probably a reminder that this was going to be a “clean” read. David Michael looks Asian and Kristy’s features look nothing like his. She is suitably dressed in her turtleneck and has her pants cuffed the same way as DM’s to show her boyishness. Shannon is wearing her uniform and looks suitably spiffy. They’re all gawking over an envelope covered in hearts. Hmmm. Also Kristy is almost as tall as Shannon. She’s supposed to be borderline midget, Hodges!
Inside my copy, someone has scribbled “B.S.C. Library” and put a weirdly folded post-it note with a piece of paper in it that says “Phone # Name” then the name of the book. No #? Good call, kid, since this book later got hawked. I got most of these books for 50-75 cents a piece at a used bookstore over a decade ago, so sometimes they have little interesting surprising in them. Fittingly, this is a book full of all kinds of weird notes, amirite?
Click to viewMoving on. I loved this book as a kid. I thought the love letters and Bart intrigue were sooo juicy. Let's see if it lives up to expectations (You may use a Daria voice when reading that sentence because that's my attitude right now). We start with Kristy scaring the shit out of Jackie by raising her voice out of nowhere while he’s at bat. Bashers v. Krushers, ninth inning, and he’s on strike two. I don’t know why speaking softly and then yelling outrageously would help. My dad did that to me while backseat driving when I was a teen and I almost got into a wreck. Not the best plan. Anyhow, on the first page we get Kristy’s juicy confession that she wants in Bart’s pants. Our hormones are stilled when she starts mentioning the kids. DARN YOU, G-RATED LITERATURE! This is the first time the Krushers look like they might win! I still bemoan them having a two-and-half- year- old on their team. WTF. My six-year-old nephew would get creamed playing with ten-year-olds and at two he would have been off balance. I seriously don’t know what Ann was thinking when she created the Perkins girls. “She’s a pretty good hitter for her age,” Kristy says of Gabby. But how the hell is she supposed to run fast enough to cover the bases? And how well can a two year old concentrate on a game like this and know when to run and have the exertion and patience for a nine inning game???? We’re supposed to believe 5-year-old Claire throws fits but Gabby is just fine? Also, with how hyper Claire is, I’m shocked even SHE makes it through these games.I’m way overanalyzing a BSC book. Bases are loaded at this point, folks, and it’s a tie game. They all inwardly sweat that since it’s Jackie they won’t win but then he hits a home run and they do. That’ll teach ‘em! It turns out four of their best Bashers are not playing this game, but the Krushers are pleased and so is Kristy. We get a rundown of the team… and I still get annoyed hearing Claire yell “Nofe air, nofe air!” I would bench her. Charlie is waiting to drive them all home because he lacks a life of his own. Kristy would probably destroy the Junk Bucket if he tried to go to college out of state or away from home. Wait a second no, that’ll be Sam the Carpal Tunnel Hand man up next to drive them for a couple of years. And when he tries to leave, something like this might happen:
After which Sam would be drugged and forced to continue chauffeuring forever.
Kristy nearly wets her pants when Bart offers to walk her home. Of course she goes and surprisingly Karen does not throw a fit that Kristy does not spend every second with her. If this was a LS book we’d never hear the end of it. Once alone (oooooooooooo, says the little kid in me) he congratulates her and then regales her with a story that happened in the boy’s locker room when some guy swung on the pipes and broke the sprinkler system. Kristy asks if the “kid” was hurt. I don’t know anyone who would call someone their own age a “kid” especially when you’re in middle school and trying to be grown up, right? Did you ever like being thought of as a “little kid” when you were in middle school? That’s one pet peeve I have with these books. Kristy then tells Bart about a girl who got whacked in the head during field hockey. Pervy Bart immediately talks about the kilts girls wear in field hockey and says he can’t imagine Kristy in one (but you know he’s trying). “You should wear skirts more often,” he says. Bart, settle down there. Kristy obliviously says, “Why?” Hahaha, oh Kristy. You’ll learn one day. He says she’d look pretty. (Her face is up here Bart, stop looking below the waist!). Bart then asks all sorts of questions a thirteen-year-old would never ask about her, and Kristy asks if this is a talk show or something. He then says he wants to know more about her life. Aww. Foreshadowing again when we hear Stacey’s not doing so well. Then they talk about Bart and his band. He plays the guitar (electric, acoustic, you name it, is pretty much what he says.) Bart drops her off at home and walks away whistling.
Practically as soon as Kristy walks in, she starts with more summary, and thankfully Shannon calls to cut that off. I wish she would call every Chapter 2 and we could forget about the recaps. Aw man, Shannon only asks about the game. No…Shannon, doooooooooooooon’t- she hangs up and we get our summaries. I’m not consoled even by the adorableness that is EM watching Sesame Street. Nothing new, except Kristy directly says that she misses her father. That jerk deserves a grownup Cokie Mason to share his life with. She also tells us about not wearing a bra. No wonder Bart’s enthralled. She may be flat-chested but running around I’m sure something’s going on. Perrrrrv.
So Charlie drives Kristy to a meeting the next day and says he’ll be back in half an hour. Does he just drive around in circles until she’s ready to leave? Because by the time he gets home he’ll have to come back for her. I know what we all think is really going on in the car. Kristy lets herself in because the Kishis want to be burglarized and leave the door unlocked every day. Maybe they’re hoping Claudia will disappear and they can just have Janine. Claudia’s in serious pain from her leg and says she can sense it’s going to rain. I have heard of this being a factual occurrence for others, but my arm fracture from several years ago cannot sense rain. We get the most pointless paragraph ever about where they usually all sit during meetings, complete with sentences like “But sometimes Stacey sits here and Dawn sits there.” Does this really matter? Get to the juicy porno letters already! Coincidentally, Stacey acts as though she’s watching delicious porn when she collects dues. AND HOLY SHIT GUYS. READ THIS SENTENCE: “Charlie demanded his money before he would drive me home.” CHARLIE is being authoritative for once? I am shocked, shocked I tell you. He probably couldn’t finish before the meeting and was too frustrated to have his shit-eating grin on that day.
OMG, Shannon called four times while Kristy was out. (Why didn’t she just call Claudia’s at six and say “waiiiiiiiiiiiiiit don’t let Kristy leave!”?). Kristy takes the one cordless phone they have (fancy) and goes in the closet to speak in private. It’s static-filled, but the most important convo ever for a thirteen-year-old. Kristy has a love letter put in Shannon’s mailbox! And there are heart and flower stickers all over it! I’ve never been one to make the Kristy in the closet jokes (oh, wait she literally is in one right now) but is her admirer a girl? Because that’s so feminine. Imagine a thirteen-year-old boy going to the store and purchasing heart and flower stickers. He’d never hear the end of it. Shannon offers to bring the letter over after dinner because everyone is yelling for Kristy to come out of the closet *bad um shiiii* and come to dinner. She says Sam has the world’s loudest voice (I bet my brothers are louder).
Shannon apparently looks like Meryl Streep and wants a nose job…I like her so I’ll let this pass ( the Meryl part is awesome the nose job part not so much. Don’t go all Mallory on me, Shannon!). They go to Kristy’s room and look at the letter which basically says the guy likes her, wants to go steady, but isn’t brave enough to say so in person. “Love, Your Mystery Admirer.” Kristy is surprised by Shannon’s squee-ing because like Stacey she’s “had millions of boyfriends.” Are Stacey and Shannon walking STDs? Kristy thinks Sam did it, but Shannon knows better and is like “You know it’s Bart.” Kristy goes, “Why wouldn’t he just say this stuff, then?” After just talking about how nervous she is around him. *facepalm* Kristy agrees with me that the envelope looks like it’s from a girl and Shannon says that it’s just Bart trying to make it look nice. Shannon leaves and Kristy calls Bart to see if he’ll drop hints. They chat for fifteen minutes about random stuff and nothing comes of it. Kristy doesn’t think he’s the admirer.
Baby-sitting! The Perkins girls by Stacey. I am shocked that Laura doesn’t leap out of her stroller, start cartwheeling, and doing sixth grade level math. Before we segue into that, we thankfully get Kristy’s story. After talking about the accurate paper girl, Kristy finds another love letter. This note is way cornier as the writer ponders over whether he’s in love with Kristy and can’t stop thinking about her. “You’re as beautiful as a snow-covered mountain.” Is this sappy or what? The BSC totally thinks it’s Bart. Kristy gets another note that says I love you a bunch of times. Then we go to Stacey and the Perkins girls. It’s boring until we hear Kristy invited Bart to the Halloween Hop and that they decided to have a World Series for the kids. Only slightly less boring is when Stacey teases that Bart and Kristy decided to elope and Kristy freaks as if suggesting such a thing will cause the universe to explode.
Kristy also freaks out over the cafeteria food and scares MA with it. For the dance we learn that Claudia wants Woody Jefferson to ask her. What a name. I now want to picture how these girls would react if they got the notes instead of Kristy.
Stacey: Aloof (millions of boyfriends tend to do that)
Claudia: Pleased + durptastic detective hunt for him (like in the Middle School Mystery book)
MA: Sob-tastic (“But I have Logan, but the word love a million times is sooooooo beautiful!”) I think Mary Anne would fit well in here:
Mary Anne: He stalks me? That's so beautiful! I hope he abducts me, too. That's a true sign of love!
Dawn: “Who cares?” which translates to “OMG SOMEONE LIKES MEEEEEE!”
Mal/Jessi: Pony squeals
Here we get some of the worst unintentional plot spoiling ever. Cokie sees Kristy put the love letters on the table and overhears them. GEE, I WONDER WHAT WILL HAPPEN. Duuuuuuuuuuuuuurp. We also get some more shitty, shitty writing. The Halloween Hop is coming up, right? So the girls reminisce about the last Halloween with MA’s bad-luck charm. Problem is, they were in eighth grade during that time. This book does nothing to compensate for the time continuum problem. We’ll get to that more later. There’s also a little schpeel in an attempt to get kids to clean up after themselves. The good guys (BSC) clear their table and the bad guys (Cokie and the Prostitute Gang) leave their trash everywhere. Kristy returns home to find a note that says “Dear Kristy, I love you x 70 jillion but beware. Love is fickle and so are friends. Watch out for your mystery admirer” This is so dumb as a prank. If you’re trying to scare someone. I mean, really? NOW Kristy thinks it may be from Bart and says, “Maybe he’s crazy.” - o_0
We then get a chapter where the Pikes brainstorm costumes. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ They plan to put a Haunted House in the basement.
Hell froze over in BSC land because Kristy does not say a word when the clock hits 5:30 or 5:31. Everyone looks like an ax murderer just entered. She got three additional notes and they’re bizarre. One about her being dead, one about blood, and my favorite “I want us to be in eternal togetherness so I’m coming to get you.” They ponder over Bart and Sam, then a random psycho who wants ransom. Kristy, if someone wanted ransom they wouldn’t send you notes, they’d have grabbed you off the sidewalk on the way back from softball practice or something, when you least expect it. THEN send notes to Watson demanding cash. Kristy is so irrational she thinks a kidnapper would use a ladder to get to her room. And how would he get down with you that way? He’d have to go through the rest of the house. Shannon is sensible for debunking this theory about a random lunatic, but she also loses mojo points for suggesting Bart wrote them to cause the Krushers to lose by putting Kristy off her game. At the game the next day, Shannon gets hit on the head and when Bart tries to comfort her and make sure she’s ok, she blows him off. Kristy also ignores him and hangs up on him later.
Another boring sitting chapter laced with letters. Kristy gets an envelope of toenail clippings. Bart follows Kristy after a practice and demands to know why she won’t talk to him and why Shannon won’t. She ignores him and gets in Charlie’s car. He calls again and Kristy has Sam tell him she went to Europe, which Sam enjoys way too much. Of course Bart comes over to figure out wtf is going on and Kristy sure is easygoing about letting him up to her room, alone with the door closed where no one can hear her scream and all the other movie clichés for someone who thinks he’s guilty. She gets scared when he gets angry. Kristy shows him all the notes and he blushes but then is like “The hell? I didn’t write this many.” He’s upset she thinks he wrote the crazy notes but is all ready to put the creeper moves on when she says she liked the first letters. “You’re really special, Kristy.” Shannon calls and comes over. They brainstorm for ages and come up dry. Guys, remember last Halloween that you just reminisced about even though it took place in the same year as this one? Remember those bad luck notes you just discussed. WHO sent them? WHO saw the notes and doesn’t like you, and thus would be able to imitate what you saw? It’s not brain surgery, guys. And of course, the three Ho-Ho goons show up to the World Series game. Cokie is evidently dumber than Claudia or the pile of rocks in your backyard because just like in #17 she used a fucking phrase from one of the letters.
Here’s a paraphrase:
Cokie: So you and Bart seem tight.
Kristy: We might plan to spend our lives together (she literally says this)
Cokie: That’s nice. Eternal togetherness?
How DUMB do you have to be? She could have strung Kristy along for months. Unlike MA, who duuuuuuuuuuurped and didn’t get the hint, Kristy immediately grabs Cokie by the arm and is like, “Whatchoo talking about? You wrote that shit?” Cokie admits it all because of the Halloween before (which is SUPPOSED to be a year ago since it’s Halloween again, but evidently time just repeated itself because it’s the same year. So they’ve waited a year to get revenge, but not really. Damn time issue). Cokie says they were humiliated by the incident and Kristy says prepare to be humiliated more by this. Cokie straight up runs away. The Krushers win, Kristy ponders whether Bart will be her boyfriend. Before meeting her boy toy, she tells the club who the culprit was and they’re all, “OMG whuuuut.” Stacey says, “That sewer rat!” and Kristy narrates that Stacey still thinks in NY terms. Because that’s how New Yorkers totally talk and insult enemies. A major cockblocking ensues when Charlie yells for Kristy and Mr. Taylor yells for Bart to GTF in their respective vehicles. Sigh.
Shannon tries to put makeup and a fancy dress on Kristy for the Hop, but Kristy is spared from femininity when Bart calls to say he has two old lobster costumes from his parents. We learn that Woody Jefferson asked Claudia and Stacey got up the nerve to ask Kelsey Bauman. We do not see, nor do we hear anything of these boys again. Bart and Kristy are nervous and hold claws. They dance awkwardly and “whirl” by Logan and MA, dressed as Frankenstein and a witch. (MA had to talk him out of being Glinda.) Bart and Kristy slow dance, they win a free pizza from Pizza Express for having the most unusual costumes, and Kristy gets kissed on the cheek. WHOA, Bart-man. Slow down there.
They have a sleepover and Shannon joins them for once. I wish Logan could since he’s just like one of the girls anyway. Apparently one of Cokie’s fake eyelashes fell in the punch bowl and Miranda Shillaber made a big deal about getting a new bowl since the old one had been contaminated. Uh, I would make a big deal, too. That’s gross. “I danced with eight different boy and they were all clods!” Jessi announced. Jessi, you skank! Speaking of club skanks, for someone who’s had millions of boyfriends, Shannon FREAKS over the kiss Kristy got at the dance. We get a lot of Alan Gray dissing in this book and Kristy says Bart’s way better. I would love to read the book where Claud dates Alan Gray even if FF books tend to be crappy just because I want to see how he actually behaved well enough to get Claudia. They ask if Kristy’s in love and she doesn’t say anything. They talk about being scared with Cokie on that first Halloween of the year. Fittingly, MA says “just last Halloween” instead of “last year” as if she’s self aware that there have been two eighth grade Halloweens. The girls hear a scream and freak out. Karen’s having a bad dream. Kristy finds a scary letter in her bed that says the kidnapper must have her, can’t be stopped, and is coming at 3:00 a.m. Shannon did it- and this is not the first time this book has made her seem creepy. I glossed over it but earlier Stacey’s in the outfield watching the kids get ready for practice when suddenly: “Hey…” a voice said. And it’s Shannon, as though she’d been creepin’ on Stacey. They end by writing a dumb note to Cokie that’s not really funny at all.
I find it funny that we get a big gap between books that develop Kristy's relationship with Bart. They go to dances and stuff and then in book 96 BAM lots of making out. Maybe it's because Peter Lerangis wrote that one and he's a male so understands better what a teenage boy is like and what he wants over lobster spooning and kisses on the cheek?