Karen's Half-Birthday (Chapter 7-14)
K guys here's part 2. Thanks for giving me your opinions on whether or not I should change the style of my snarks. I decided I'm going to do kinda half-and-half. Anyway, let's move on with Karen's Super Sweet 7 and a Half.
Holy shit I had no clue there was a "poor Andrew" tag. I'm going to be using that a lot in these snarks, I feel.
Oh btw there's an extra chapter 'cause Chapter 13 is boring as hell.
Chapter 7
The Three Musketeers play Lovely Ladies which is the third most boring game I ever heard of. Karen actually spells Kristy's Krushers with a K without bitching about NOOO IT'S A C! A C!!!! The girls talk of Halloween because Halloween comes 9 times a year in Stoneybrook and I'm pretty sure there's more books centering around Halloween than any other holiday. They decide to call up eachothers' parents and ask if they can trick-or-treat by themselves without any grownups this year. FFS I wasn't allowed to do that till I was 15 and I still had to have my soulbonds with me and my dad had to be on the opposite end of the street at all times.
Chapter 8
Karen runs downstairs the next morning and asks if there's any "important Halloween news lol." Mini-muffins ftwww especially if they're blueberry or chocolate. Lisa tells Karen to be patient they'll decide about Halloween when they do. Of course Karen has to keep pressing the issue and go "Is that maybe yes or maybe no???" Lol yesterday my guardian soulbonds said I could buy something off Modcloth and I was like "Can I have two things???" and my guardian soulbond was like "We'll see" and I was like "So that means yes because maybe means no and we'll see means yes, right??? :D" I'm SUCH A KAREN. Anyway, Karen looks at the calendar and reflects on her eighth birthday and says 8 IS LIEK RLY GROWNUP, DONTCHAKNOW??? So now she wants to be 8 so she can be ~GROWN-UP~ and then goes HEY LOOK AT THIS MY HALF-BIRTHDAY'S IN TWO WEEKS. So she decides she's gonna have a half-birthday party because then her classmates have to start taking her seriously!!!
Chapter 9
Lisa and Seth brace themselves for DID YOU GUYS DECIDE ABOUT HALLOWEEN YET HUH HUH DIDJA TELL ME TELL ME TELL ME!!! but are surprised because Karen is omgsilent!!! Lisa's even like "Karen isn't there something you should be pestering us about?" and Karen's like "NOPE, CHUCK TESTA I'm being patient okay???" Lisa and Seth rejoice in their minds. So finally she's like "I can has half-birthday party??" and Seth's like "wtf why" and she guilts them into it by telling them about how she got teased. Then they say she can have the party because she's spoiled as hell and I mean this is a new advanced kind of spoiled because even I never got to have a fucking party for my HALF-birthday, just some new "I can say I'm ___-and-a-half to my friends now" privileges (I'm 19 and a HALF, btw). Parties are expensive I can't just have them all willy-nilly but Karen is a millionaire so it's all good. Karen decides she can only invite HALF the class and oh Lord this will not end well at all. She just dumps half their names into two piles and closes her eyes and points at one. This will go very very well for her.
Chapter 10
Karen goes to school and hands out invitations to half the class in front of everybody. Engine number nine, tracks, veering off. The other kids are like HEY WTF WHY ARE THEY INVITED BUT NOT US??? and she's like "Nope sorry this is my half-birthday and I can only invite half of you to appease the Gods Of Halves." Pamela's like but but I wasted my class time making you a present. Karen has the smuggest-ass expression ever on her face in the illustration while she's handing out these invitations. So Karen's like sorry but you're not in the randomly-selected half-pile so screw you. Jannie asks if they have to give her presents and is like "If so, why? You already got presents when you turned 7, you're getting more when you turn 8, why should you get anymore now???" Lol, Jannie wasn't there when Karen pressed to get a whole holiday invented just so she can get presents. Karen's like "You only have to bring half a present" and it'd be super fun if they all gave her ripped-in-half pieces of paper or disembodied Barbie doll heads as presents. Karen doesn't get wtf everyone's so pissed at her for. I mean, all she did was meaninglessly invite random people to her party in front of the rest of the class!
Chapter 11 (Karen hasn't learned anything about age discrimination)
Lisa and Seth decided they can trick-or-treat by themselves but ONLY ON THEIR STREET!!! If their street were my street, this would give them exactly 10 pieces of candy. She invites the Musketeers over to discuss costumes and these parts are all really fucking boring. Andrew comes in and asks if he can go with them and Karen's like AW HELL NO YOU'RE JUST A BB! Again. After she not only had to deal with the same BS out of her class, but had to throw a fucking half-birthday party to make herself feel big afterwards. She. Never. Fucking. LEARNS. After he tells her he promises to be good, she even goes, and I'm not paraphrasing: "You will be good if you close the door on your way out." What a RUDE LITTLE HELLION. Andrew screams at her that he hopes they get shitty candy and tricks, and after the events of Karen's Tattletale there's no way he's telling Lisa about it because he knows she'll instantly side with Karen. The chapter ends with Karen blaming Andrew for being "pesty." This is SOOOOO much BS. And wouldn't taking her little brother around trick-or-treating herself make her feel ~GROWN-UP~ like she so desperately wants to???
Chapter 12
Plans for the ridiculous half-birthday party are made, including getting only half-dressed up (her idea of "half a party outfit" is pretty cute. I love quirky outfits). Seth politely suggests that instead of baking half a cake they bake a whole one and serve it in halves because "you can't expect them to only bring half their appetites." Karen's response to this is (again, not paraphrasing. This is a direct quote): "Why not? They can have a snack before they come." Best party host ever, for realsies. Let's all have parties with only half!!! the amount of food needed because "well ya shoulda just had a snack before you came!!!" That won't make us all lose any friends AT ALL. Then at school she decides HEY! LET'S ONLY PLAY HALF PARTY GAMES SO NOBODY HAS A CHANCE TO WIN A PRIZE!!! FUN!!!! After this, Jannie tells Pamela she can have her invitation. Pamela isn't swayed. The chapter ends with Karen deciding she'll rudely interrupt the Happy Birthday song so it can be, y'know, in half. Kids, just cut those invitations right in half!!! and leave them on her doorstep that day.
Chapter 13
Halloween blah blah blah making costumes oooh Karen's gonna be the front half of an ultrasaurus and can't find anyone to be its ass. BORING AND I DON'T CARE.
Chapter 14
The half-birthday has arrived. OOOH THE CAKE HAS TO BE BAKED FOR HALF!!! AN HOUR. Coincidence? Or has even time decided to bend to Karen's will? Karen runs into the living room to monitor Seth's decorating and screams when he accidentally puts decorations around the entire room instead of just half!!!. The cake's ready and it has to be cut in half. Lisa's like "Karen maybe you should think this through" and she's like "NO I SAID CUT IT IN HALF!!!! to match how much of a brain I have in this book." And then she fills up the favor bags only halfway.ENGINE NUMBER NINE, TRACKS, VEERING OFF. Kids, you still have time to just cut those invites in half and leave them on the doorstep!!! Come on, hurry up, time is running out!!!
I would've only made this HALF!!! a snark, but unlike Karen I actually give a damn about not annoying people!!! Stay tuned for exciting conclusion (I have a lot of time to snark now that my workload's gone bye-bye for the moment).
Holy shit I had no clue there was a "poor Andrew" tag. I'm going to be using that a lot in these snarks, I feel.
Oh btw there's an extra chapter 'cause Chapter 13 is boring as hell.
Chapter 7
The Three Musketeers play Lovely Ladies which is the third most boring game I ever heard of. Karen actually spells Kristy's Krushers with a K without bitching about NOOO IT'S A C! A C!!!! The girls talk of Halloween because Halloween comes 9 times a year in Stoneybrook and I'm pretty sure there's more books centering around Halloween than any other holiday. They decide to call up eachothers' parents and ask if they can trick-or-treat by themselves without any grownups this year. FFS I wasn't allowed to do that till I was 15 and I still had to have my soulbonds with me and my dad had to be on the opposite end of the street at all times.
Chapter 8
Karen runs downstairs the next morning and asks if there's any "important Halloween news lol." Mini-muffins ftwww especially if they're blueberry or chocolate. Lisa tells Karen to be patient they'll decide about Halloween when they do. Of course Karen has to keep pressing the issue and go "Is that maybe yes or maybe no???" Lol yesterday my guardian soulbonds said I could buy something off Modcloth and I was like "Can I have two things???" and my guardian soulbond was like "We'll see" and I was like "So that means yes because maybe means no and we'll see means yes, right??? :D" I'm SUCH A KAREN. Anyway, Karen looks at the calendar and reflects on her eighth birthday and says 8 IS LIEK RLY GROWNUP, DONTCHAKNOW??? So now she wants to be 8 so she can be ~GROWN-UP~ and then goes HEY LOOK AT THIS MY HALF-BIRTHDAY'S IN TWO WEEKS. So she decides she's gonna have a half-birthday party because then her classmates have to start taking her seriously!!!
Chapter 9
Lisa and Seth brace themselves for DID YOU GUYS DECIDE ABOUT HALLOWEEN YET HUH HUH DIDJA TELL ME TELL ME TELL ME!!! but are surprised because Karen is omgsilent!!! Lisa's even like "Karen isn't there something you should be pestering us about?" and Karen's like "NOPE, CHUCK TESTA I'm being patient okay???" Lisa and Seth rejoice in their minds. So finally she's like "I can has half-birthday party??" and Seth's like "wtf why" and she guilts them into it by telling them about how she got teased. Then they say she can have the party because she's spoiled as hell and I mean this is a new advanced kind of spoiled because even I never got to have a fucking party for my HALF-birthday, just some new "I can say I'm ___-and-a-half to my friends now" privileges (I'm 19 and a HALF, btw). Parties are expensive I can't just have them all willy-nilly but Karen is a millionaire so it's all good. Karen decides she can only invite HALF the class and oh Lord this will not end well at all. She just dumps half their names into two piles and closes her eyes and points at one. This will go very very well for her.
Chapter 10
Karen goes to school and hands out invitations to half the class in front of everybody. Engine number nine, tracks, veering off. The other kids are like HEY WTF WHY ARE THEY INVITED BUT NOT US??? and she's like "Nope sorry this is my half-birthday and I can only invite half of you to appease the Gods Of Halves." Pamela's like but but I wasted my class time making you a present. Karen has the smuggest-ass expression ever on her face in the illustration while she's handing out these invitations. So Karen's like sorry but you're not in the randomly-selected half-pile so screw you. Jannie asks if they have to give her presents and is like "If so, why? You already got presents when you turned 7, you're getting more when you turn 8, why should you get anymore now???" Lol, Jannie wasn't there when Karen pressed to get a whole holiday invented just so she can get presents. Karen's like "You only have to bring half a present" and it'd be super fun if they all gave her ripped-in-half pieces of paper or disembodied Barbie doll heads as presents. Karen doesn't get wtf everyone's so pissed at her for. I mean, all she did was meaninglessly invite random people to her party in front of the rest of the class!
Chapter 11 (Karen hasn't learned anything about age discrimination)
Lisa and Seth decided they can trick-or-treat by themselves but ONLY ON THEIR STREET!!! If their street were my street, this would give them exactly 10 pieces of candy. She invites the Musketeers over to discuss costumes and these parts are all really fucking boring. Andrew comes in and asks if he can go with them and Karen's like AW HELL NO YOU'RE JUST A BB! Again. After she not only had to deal with the same BS out of her class, but had to throw a fucking half-birthday party to make herself feel big afterwards. She. Never. Fucking. LEARNS. After he tells her he promises to be good, she even goes, and I'm not paraphrasing: "You will be good if you close the door on your way out." What a RUDE LITTLE HELLION. Andrew screams at her that he hopes they get shitty candy and tricks, and after the events of Karen's Tattletale there's no way he's telling Lisa about it because he knows she'll instantly side with Karen. The chapter ends with Karen blaming Andrew for being "pesty." This is SOOOOO much BS. And wouldn't taking her little brother around trick-or-treating herself make her feel ~GROWN-UP~ like she so desperately wants to???
Chapter 12
Plans for the ridiculous half-birthday party are made, including getting only half-dressed up (her idea of "half a party outfit" is pretty cute. I love quirky outfits). Seth politely suggests that instead of baking half a cake they bake a whole one and serve it in halves because "you can't expect them to only bring half their appetites." Karen's response to this is (again, not paraphrasing. This is a direct quote): "Why not? They can have a snack before they come." Best party host ever, for realsies. Let's all have parties with only half!!! the amount of food needed because "well ya shoulda just had a snack before you came!!!" That won't make us all lose any friends AT ALL. Then at school she decides HEY! LET'S ONLY PLAY HALF PARTY GAMES SO NOBODY HAS A CHANCE TO WIN A PRIZE!!! FUN!!!! After this, Jannie tells Pamela she can have her invitation. Pamela isn't swayed. The chapter ends with Karen deciding she'll rudely interrupt the Happy Birthday song so it can be, y'know, in half. Kids, just cut those invitations right in half!!! and leave them on her doorstep that day.
Chapter 13
Halloween blah blah blah making costumes oooh Karen's gonna be the front half of an ultrasaurus and can't find anyone to be its ass. BORING AND I DON'T CARE.
Chapter 14
The half-birthday has arrived. OOOH THE CAKE HAS TO BE BAKED FOR HALF!!! AN HOUR. Coincidence? Or has even time decided to bend to Karen's will? Karen runs into the living room to monitor Seth's decorating and screams when he accidentally puts decorations around the entire room instead of just half!!!. The cake's ready and it has to be cut in half. Lisa's like "Karen maybe you should think this through" and she's like "NO I SAID CUT IT IN HALF!!!! to match how much of a brain I have in this book." And then she fills up the favor bags only halfway.ENGINE NUMBER NINE, TRACKS, VEERING OFF. Kids, you still have time to just cut those invites in half and leave them on the doorstep!!! Come on, hurry up, time is running out!!!
I would've only made this HALF!!! a snark, but unlike Karen I actually give a damn about not annoying people!!! Stay tuned for exciting conclusion (I have a lot of time to snark now that my workload's gone bye-bye for the moment).