Karen's Lucky Penny (Chapters 7-13)
When we last left Karen, her friends were telling her how it was GOOD to steal wallets!
Chapter 7
Somehow, the way Karen almost...brags about hiding the wallet and how she hid it in a super-special place where nobody will ever find it really bugs me. Karen's conscience shows its face for a brief rare moment before it's squashed with visions of all the stupid Funland propaganda. "I wanted to look just like that girl," says Karen about a TV commercial where a girl is weighed down with Funland products. Why do you want to look just like a walking billboard, Karen? Karen thinks about how if Mommy and Seth do find it she'll have to go to TEH JAILZ. Ha, I doubt it, they'd probably go "You held on to this all this time without spending a single cent? You're SO good at saving money!!! Let's take you out for ice cream and to the toy store and you can steal all the toy and ice cream money you want!!! :D" After dreaming about jail and ugly striped jumpsuits, she finally unearths the wallet and goes to confess. Obviously not because it's wrong and she just stole a substantial amount of money from a random person, but because she might get locked in jail. I changed my mind, she doesn't have a conscience.
Chapter 8 (giant Lisa fail)
Karen blames Bobby for the wallet-keeping and repeats over and over that GUYS BOBBY LIEK TTLY SAID IT WAS OKAY PLEASE DON'T PUNISH ME. If it were my mother (who has ISSUES but occassionally said something correct...long long ago. In a galaxy far far away) I'd hear "Why would you listen to another 7-year-old about things like that? You don't let another child tell you what to do about things like that." And when Karen mentions taking out ten dollars to give to her friends, Lisa tells her she was NICE to do that, and replaces it with her own money like nothing. BULLSHIT, I would be locked in my room all day, possibly for up to 3 days, with no TV, no Grand Chase or Blackout, and no exiting the house for anything if I did that. I don't care how "nice" it was, the girl gave out money that WAS NOT HERS, and you even just told her it was a GOOD thing. What are you gonna do, Lisa, when Karen starts stealing money from your credit card to pay for super-cute pink glitter armor and unicorns for herself and her Three Musketeers in a new use-real-cash-to-buy-special-items MMORPG one day? Will it have been "nice to do for her friends" then? They go to the police station, and Karen is just racking her brains with deep longing, hoping the guy who lost that wallet won't give a damn about his 800 dollars and let her have it all for stupid Funland crap. She brings her lucky penny and rubs it the whole time, "Pleeeease let me have this guy's money, lucky penny!" The police officer gives her a date where she can claim the money if it's not claimed, and she walks out smiling smugly and rubbing that penny, which I now want to grab and chuck down a sewer. Chapter 9 (in which Karen is despicable to Nancy and Bobby)
Nancy and Bobby are thinking up ways to earn money, and Karen's like "OKAY I'LL HELP!" And Nancy's like "Bitch whatcha talkin' bout, you have 800 stolen dollars" and Karen sulks and moans about how she was made to return it and OH BTW YOU TWO YOU OWE MY MOM 10 DOLLARS. Wait what? Karen explains about the money-replacement and Nancy and Bobby are like "But YOU'RE the one who gave us that money! We don't owe you squat diddly!" Then Karen says that hey if you guys start a business like you're trying to do, you can pay my mom back! Bullshit, that money's for Funland you little snake. Nancy reminds her that SHE gave them that money and never said anything about it being a loan. Karen just goes, "Well I didn't think I'd have to give back the wallet" and I imagine her saying it with an irritatingly bored expression and a nonchalant don't-give-a-shit shrug. While the other kids are talking about how they're all going to work hard and earn Funland money (very noble thing for such young kids to do, since we all know kids HATE chores), all Karen can think about is how Nancy and Bobby "owe" her ten dollars. Wait until they "owe" her 45 when she buys them all pink sparkle armor and unicorns from her Mom's credit card in that MMORPG. And to add insult to injury, when Andrew wants to open a lemonade stand she shoots him down and goes "You'd better let me do everything for you because you're a stupid little kid who can't do anything." Ugh, this is one of Karen's worst books, for realsies. And I say that as someone who loves Karen.
Chapter 10 (in which Karen is despicable to the guy the wallet belongs to)
Nobody's claimed the wallet, and Karen's hungry eyes fill with the Funland crap she can buy with it, when the phone rings and HEY, it's the wallet's REAL owner! Too bad, Karen, guess you're gonna have to WORK for money like everyone else in the world. Karen bitches and stamps her foot about "NOOOOO, THAT MONEY WAS MIIIIINE!!!" and Lisa tells her to stfu. For some reason Mr. Beadle (wallet owner) wants to meet Karen. OH NO, MR. BEADLE, SEE WHAT YOU HATH WROUGHT UPON YOURSELF! But they pile into the car and see Mr. Beadle, who isn't dressed like a rich guy what is this witchcraft??? Mr. Beadle wants to give her a reward, but Lisa says they can't take it. I wonder if that's because Lisa finally picked up on how selfish Karen was being, but it's Lisa so fat chance. But he insists, and Karen gets those Hungry Snake Eyes again because she thinks she's getting 400. But he gives her 100, and Karen actually PISSES AND MOANS ABOUT IT in front of the guy, all "HEY WTF THIS ISN'T 400 WHAT'S YO' PROBLEM???" But since he's a tool and Karen's so obviously the Borg Queen and he's so obviously on his path to assimilation already, he doesn't yank that 100 dollar bill out of her hand for being an obnoxious little shit. He just goes "I insist" and gets the hell out of there as fast as possible. But he's not yet free of Karen, for she follows him and gives him a bullshit thank you just because Lisa told her to. She then asks Lisa if she can keep all the money instead of saving it, and Lisa agrees, telling her "spend it wisely." FFS LISA, DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU'RE TALKING TO???
Chapter 11
Visions of shitty Funland propaganda dance in Karen's head. She skips down the road to her friends waving her 100 dollars in the air and unfortunately Bobby and Nancy don't run up to her, push her on the ground, and steal the money. But Bobby does say "Oh that's great, now YOU pay your mom back and stop asking us to do it." But Karen still goes on about "But YOU owe her that money!" And Bobby's like "NO. GOD. FOR THE UMPTEENTH TIME, YOU *GAVE* IT TO US YOURSELF SO WE DON'T OWE YOU CRAP!!!" Karen decides maybe she doesn't REALLY need to be a walking billboard then and makes a list of toys to buy with the money, including "something for Andrew" but only because Mommy would like it. The chapter ends with Karen deciding maybe her friends will stop being mad at her (even though she gave them good reason to be) if she buys them out. Fastfoward 3 decades. Babysitter's Little Sister #900, "Karen's Political Seat!"
Chapter 12
Karen takes the Three Musketeers (but not Bobby, who she also harassed) out to the movies and Ann can't resist an opportunity to shoehorn Kristy in there because she must shoehorn Kristy into EVERY book. Karen buys three tickets and a ton of concessions and makes Kristy sit in the row behind her so she can pretend she's not there, SO SHE CAN FEEL TEH GROWN UP. But it's all good because (sometimes) they remember to pass popcorn to Kristy. At the end, Kristy tells Karen how good a friend she is. If only you knew, Kristy. If only you knew.
Chapter 13
I finally find out what "Statues" is and it sounds boring as hell. Andrew has a new little girlfriend d'awwww! HOLY SHIT ICE CREAM TRUCK OH MY GODDDD YAAAAAYYYY! Quick guys get your money....oh wait, you don't have money and I have $90, that's right. KAREN FRIENDSHIP-BUYING OPPORTUNITY #2, COMMENCE! This time Karen treats the whole street to ice cream. There! Now they can REALLY forget all about how much of a little asshole she's been for the past 3 weeks! But BSC Snark won't, Karen. Too bad, so sad for you.
Oh btw, waiting for four new books (Karen's Wedding, Karen's Movie, Karen's Mermaid, and another copy of Karen's Half Birthday to replace the one that was destroyed in a storm the other night).
Chapter 7
Somehow, the way Karen almost...brags about hiding the wallet and how she hid it in a super-special place where nobody will ever find it really bugs me. Karen's conscience shows its face for a brief rare moment before it's squashed with visions of all the stupid Funland propaganda. "I wanted to look just like that girl," says Karen about a TV commercial where a girl is weighed down with Funland products. Why do you want to look just like a walking billboard, Karen? Karen thinks about how if Mommy and Seth do find it she'll have to go to TEH JAILZ. Ha, I doubt it, they'd probably go "You held on to this all this time without spending a single cent? You're SO good at saving money!!! Let's take you out for ice cream and to the toy store and you can steal all the toy and ice cream money you want!!! :D" After dreaming about jail and ugly striped jumpsuits, she finally unearths the wallet and goes to confess. Obviously not because it's wrong and she just stole a substantial amount of money from a random person, but because she might get locked in jail. I changed my mind, she doesn't have a conscience.
Chapter 8 (giant Lisa fail)
Karen blames Bobby for the wallet-keeping and repeats over and over that GUYS BOBBY LIEK TTLY SAID IT WAS OKAY PLEASE DON'T PUNISH ME. If it were my mother (who has ISSUES but occassionally said something correct...long long ago. In a galaxy far far away) I'd hear "Why would you listen to another 7-year-old about things like that? You don't let another child tell you what to do about things like that." And when Karen mentions taking out ten dollars to give to her friends, Lisa tells her she was NICE to do that, and replaces it with her own money like nothing. BULLSHIT, I would be locked in my room all day, possibly for up to 3 days, with no TV, no Grand Chase or Blackout, and no exiting the house for anything if I did that. I don't care how "nice" it was, the girl gave out money that WAS NOT HERS, and you even just told her it was a GOOD thing. What are you gonna do, Lisa, when Karen starts stealing money from your credit card to pay for super-cute pink glitter armor and unicorns for herself and her Three Musketeers in a new use-real-cash-to-buy-special-items MMORPG one day? Will it have been "nice to do for her friends" then? They go to the police station, and Karen is just racking her brains with deep longing, hoping the guy who lost that wallet won't give a damn about his 800 dollars and let her have it all for stupid Funland crap. She brings her lucky penny and rubs it the whole time, "Pleeeease let me have this guy's money, lucky penny!" The police officer gives her a date where she can claim the money if it's not claimed, and she walks out smiling smugly and rubbing that penny, which I now want to grab and chuck down a sewer. Chapter 9 (in which Karen is despicable to Nancy and Bobby)
Nancy and Bobby are thinking up ways to earn money, and Karen's like "OKAY I'LL HELP!" And Nancy's like "Bitch whatcha talkin' bout, you have 800 stolen dollars" and Karen sulks and moans about how she was made to return it and OH BTW YOU TWO YOU OWE MY MOM 10 DOLLARS. Wait what? Karen explains about the money-replacement and Nancy and Bobby are like "But YOU'RE the one who gave us that money! We don't owe you squat diddly!" Then Karen says that hey if you guys start a business like you're trying to do, you can pay my mom back! Bullshit, that money's for Funland you little snake. Nancy reminds her that SHE gave them that money and never said anything about it being a loan. Karen just goes, "Well I didn't think I'd have to give back the wallet" and I imagine her saying it with an irritatingly bored expression and a nonchalant don't-give-a-shit shrug. While the other kids are talking about how they're all going to work hard and earn Funland money (very noble thing for such young kids to do, since we all know kids HATE chores), all Karen can think about is how Nancy and Bobby "owe" her ten dollars. Wait until they "owe" her 45 when she buys them all pink sparkle armor and unicorns from her Mom's credit card in that MMORPG. And to add insult to injury, when Andrew wants to open a lemonade stand she shoots him down and goes "You'd better let me do everything for you because you're a stupid little kid who can't do anything." Ugh, this is one of Karen's worst books, for realsies. And I say that as someone who loves Karen.
Chapter 10 (in which Karen is despicable to the guy the wallet belongs to)
Nobody's claimed the wallet, and Karen's hungry eyes fill with the Funland crap she can buy with it, when the phone rings and HEY, it's the wallet's REAL owner! Too bad, Karen, guess you're gonna have to WORK for money like everyone else in the world. Karen bitches and stamps her foot about "NOOOOO, THAT MONEY WAS MIIIIINE!!!" and Lisa tells her to stfu. For some reason Mr. Beadle (wallet owner) wants to meet Karen. OH NO, MR. BEADLE, SEE WHAT YOU HATH WROUGHT UPON YOURSELF! But they pile into the car and see Mr. Beadle, who isn't dressed like a rich guy what is this witchcraft??? Mr. Beadle wants to give her a reward, but Lisa says they can't take it. I wonder if that's because Lisa finally picked up on how selfish Karen was being, but it's Lisa so fat chance. But he insists, and Karen gets those Hungry Snake Eyes again because she thinks she's getting 400. But he gives her 100, and Karen actually PISSES AND MOANS ABOUT IT in front of the guy, all "HEY WTF THIS ISN'T 400 WHAT'S YO' PROBLEM???" But since he's a tool and Karen's so obviously the Borg Queen and he's so obviously on his path to assimilation already, he doesn't yank that 100 dollar bill out of her hand for being an obnoxious little shit. He just goes "I insist" and gets the hell out of there as fast as possible. But he's not yet free of Karen, for she follows him and gives him a bullshit thank you just because Lisa told her to. She then asks Lisa if she can keep all the money instead of saving it, and Lisa agrees, telling her "spend it wisely." FFS LISA, DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU'RE TALKING TO???
Chapter 11
Visions of shitty Funland propaganda dance in Karen's head. She skips down the road to her friends waving her 100 dollars in the air and unfortunately Bobby and Nancy don't run up to her, push her on the ground, and steal the money. But Bobby does say "Oh that's great, now YOU pay your mom back and stop asking us to do it." But Karen still goes on about "But YOU owe her that money!" And Bobby's like "NO. GOD. FOR THE UMPTEENTH TIME, YOU *GAVE* IT TO US YOURSELF SO WE DON'T OWE YOU CRAP!!!" Karen decides maybe she doesn't REALLY need to be a walking billboard then and makes a list of toys to buy with the money, including "something for Andrew" but only because Mommy would like it. The chapter ends with Karen deciding maybe her friends will stop being mad at her (even though she gave them good reason to be) if she buys them out. Fastfoward 3 decades. Babysitter's Little Sister #900, "Karen's Political Seat!"
Chapter 12
Karen takes the Three Musketeers (but not Bobby, who she also harassed) out to the movies and Ann can't resist an opportunity to shoehorn Kristy in there because she must shoehorn Kristy into EVERY book. Karen buys three tickets and a ton of concessions and makes Kristy sit in the row behind her so she can pretend she's not there, SO SHE CAN FEEL TEH GROWN UP. But it's all good because (sometimes) they remember to pass popcorn to Kristy. At the end, Kristy tells Karen how good a friend she is. If only you knew, Kristy. If only you knew.
Chapter 13
I finally find out what "Statues" is and it sounds boring as hell. Andrew has a new little girlfriend d'awwww! HOLY SHIT ICE CREAM TRUCK OH MY GODDDD YAAAAAYYYY! Quick guys get your money....oh wait, you don't have money and I have $90, that's right. KAREN FRIENDSHIP-BUYING OPPORTUNITY #2, COMMENCE! This time Karen treats the whole street to ice cream. There! Now they can REALLY forget all about how much of a little asshole she's been for the past 3 weeks! But BSC Snark won't, Karen. Too bad, so sad for you.
Oh btw, waiting for four new books (Karen's Wedding, Karen's Movie, Karen's Mermaid, and another copy of Karen's Half Birthday to replace the one that was destroyed in a storm the other night).