BSC #19: Claudia and the Bad Joke Chapters 11-15
Final part in this Trilogy of Terror. And I’m not referring to the prank war.
Chapter 11!
Dawn sits for Betsy and I’m glad that it’s not Jessi and MA’s cursive combined in one notebook entry like earlier! Yay for legible print (Mal always gets a thumbs up for this). Dawn notes that Jeff was excited about the prank war and gave her loads of ideas, all while saying, “Boy, Dawn!” How many times must these characters say “Boy!”?! I can understand a couple of times maybe but this is not common for the age group, especially not for a kid Jeff’s age. We also see yet another nice Kristy note attached about paying Dawn back for her phone call to California. Yay! Since we’re talking about handwriting, I confess that my writing is closest to Kristy’s. Anyway, Dawn saunters up to the Sobak’s “well-armed” so I guess she brought some knives/guns/whips along if the author isn’t massively guilty of hyperbole.
We get an awkward paragraph about Dawn having a rubber spider and we are told it isn’t the same one that belonged to the Pikes, and then informed that Dawn thought it was a good idea even if Betsy will probably not fall for it, and FINALLY we are told it was borrowed from Buddy Barrett. This was a very poorly written paragraph and could have been written much, much better.
Anyhoo, Claudia narrates that Dawn “brushed up her acting skills. (Did she even have any acting skills? Dawn wondered).” Apparently not, since “acting skills” to Dawn mean being very dramatic and jumping/screaming/fainting.
Betsy is fascinated by the Kid-Kit, but Dawn screams for real when she feels slimy shit inside the box. Betsy says that she put the slime in when Dawn was talking to her parents. Wait, what? When did this happen? There was never a mention of her talking to the parents or even meeting Mr. Sobak. NOW Mrs. Sobak wants to get chummy on her THIRD try with the BSC? NOW Mr. Sobak finally sees one of the girls looking after his young child? And where did Dawn put the Kid-Kit so Betsy could fuck it up while in this alleged conversation? She obviously wasn’t totally prepared if she let her stuff get out of sight. Dawn throws out some steely sarcasm and says she appreciates the Kid-Kit being ruined, but Betsy shows her that it’s all in one clump with no residue leftover. She puts it back in the can and the slurp causes Dawn to “faint.” And Betsy falls for it. For the “Queen” of pranks, Betsy is pretty gullible. And this is the jillionth time this book we’ve had someone yell, “Boo!” Dawn is dismayed when Betsy laughs after being pranked, sad that there seems to be no beating her. Um, what were you trying to go, scare her to death? Have her be so shaken she never pranks again? This prank war is so stupid! THE ENTIRE BSC is stupid for thinking these little pranks are going to achieve anything. Teaching pranks are bad by pulling pranks? I know we all hated this one as kids, but I have to say it: “Two wrongs don’t make a right.” Anyway, the B(ull)S(hit)C(rap) job continues as they keep pulling out fake animals and shit to scare each other. WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO ACCOMPLISH? THIS IS RIDICULOUS. In another dose of archaic language, Betsy calls a whoopee cushion a “pooh-pooh” cushion. Find me an 8-year-old who would really call it that in real life. I’ll take them to Pizza Express, my treat.
Betsy says she likes jokes when asked why she plays pranks, and then very sensibly points out that the BSC is doing them, too. SEE, GUYS? KIDS LOOK UP TO OLDER KIDS SO YOU’RE JUST ENCOURAGING HER TO CONTINUE. #!#@!!!
Anyway, Dawn makes them lunch and shockingly we get no mention of a meatless, all-natural snack or Betsy puking in response to Dawn’s food. Dawn, like the others before her, AGAIN falls for Betsy’s sweet talking and accepts when Betsy apologizes and offers to make dessert. This is so stupid, I don’t even! Firstly, why is it so hard to say, “No, thank you,” when offered something, especially since Dawn hates sugary things? Second, LOOK WHO’S OFFERING. Anyway, Dawn cleans and does not watch while Betsy makes the desserts (@!#@!$!$!$#$@#@#, I need Joe Pesci from Home Alone lessons to drown out my swearing). Dawn slowly lifts up the spoon and instead of smelling it or checking to see if it could be a problem since she wasn’t watching, she freaks out about the cavities she’ll get from this sundae. Dawn, I don’t see Claudia with blackened teeth, so shurrrup! Anyway, she pops it in her mouth and it’s shaving cream! This is exceedingly dumb. Was Betsy keeping the shaving cream in the kitchen? Doubtful, since Dawn probably would have seen it. Even if so and Dawn’s totally oblivious, shaving cream usually has an odor. Even if Dawn doesn’t eat whipped cream, she should have recognized the suspicious scent (unless she thinks whipped cream is really THAT rancid). Even more stupid, Dawn doesn’t say anything to the Sobaks because “tattling is too babyish.” Not allowing for discipline and being irresponsible is more babyish, Dawn. Dawn then laments that Betsy had won the war. And I punch the back of the book for this joke war being an actually plotline.
Chapter 12!
Claudia is bored and actually wants to go back to school. PUT ALL SHOCKED GIFS INTO ONE! Claudia has missed THREE WEEKS of classes. That really sucks. I had a few sick days PLUS my two weeks for the appendectomy so it came around that total. What this book doesn’t mention is the absolute rage of the public school system since they lose money from absences. The people in the office at my middle school glared at me like I’d set the gym on fire because of this. Claudia legitimately fears being held back but her bitch face reemerges when she says that she would hate that because of the “drippy seventh graders.” What? Have you forgotten that two of your “friends” are sixth graders? And since you baby-sit, shouldn’t you NOT look down on people younger than you? Maybe it was karma that put Claudia back in seventh grade for a while, not simply a poorly written plot.
Mimi kindly says that her family is there and will help her and that the worst that could happen is summer school (oh, no- this reminds me of the movie with the stupid body part rap since she was in summer school! Come to think of it, she was ecstatic when she got a B- in the movie, but in the books I guess it's bad.)
There’s more EXTREMELY AWKWARD writing when Claudia details the exact order of member entry for a meeting AND the order in which they chat with Stacey while she calls. Claudia says she’s going to cut slits in her pants so they can go over her cast and then rudely yells at MA to hang up because the call is costing her a fortune. THEN WHY DID YOU LET EVERYONE TALK AND THEN RUDELY YELL AT MA for doing the same thing?
The BSC harasses Claudia not to quit then mentions all their fun trips. Claudia is uncertain, but then says she would give anything to baby-sit again. HOW UNCERTAIN YOU ARE ABOUT DROPPING OUT. This plot is more pointless than Margo Pike.
Claudia asks for a report and a couple of the girls say Betsy’s unstoppable. WHY DID YOU ENCOURAGE HER TO KEEP PRANKING THEN?! And stop acting like this is a serial killer or war you’re up against. You’ve been doing the worst job ever trying to stop her from these pranks. Now someone is even more likely to get hurt because you’ve taken away her fears of injuring someone again! Good job, BSC.
Claudia then offers to pick lint balls off of the girls’ clothes. I fear that the 80s was an era of “Ann fetish experimentation.” The lint ball thing was mentioned earlier and I was too disturbed to go into it. Out of all the things you could do when bored, this had to be it, Claudia?
Chapter 13!
Kristy has the last job with Betsy. She smugly notes that she won the war in her notebook entry. Don’t shoot me, but Kristy was my favorite character as a kid. I DON’T KNOW WHY since you guys are right about her being K. Ron and dictatorial. Maybe because I played sports like her and related to her with Bart angst. But one good thing I can say about her is that she does this job way better than the others in actually putting Betsy’s pranks to an end.
Kristy awesomely gets paid to take Betsy to the movie and get snacks that are all paid for by the Sobaks. Can this be my job? But I won't do it for $3 an hour. There’s a children’s movie festival at the local theater since nothing new ever comes out downtown. They go to see Chitty Chitty Bang Bang (Dick Van Dyke! Be still, my heart!) while the Sobaks go to “another” golf tournament. Since Cookie doesn’t sound athletic at all and we’ve heard nothing descriptive about Mr. Sobak, I’m going to assume “golf tournament” is code for “love shack time.” Sam, the “KING” of jokes and pranks, offers Kristy advice beforehand. Betsy squirts Kristy with a water pen right in the car and Kristy actually handles it maturely by not giving her any attention. Kristy gives Betsy one last chance by saying no pranks and then Betsy gets her with a buzzer after promising. No going back now. Kristy again takes the high road by not pulling out fake shit and shouting immaturely.
Betsy excitedly notes people she recognizes from school, but then acts emo and won’t say hi when Kristy says she can. She explains that they don’t like her. Then why are you glad to see them? I remember walking around a neighborhood where most people at my school did not live and seeing some guy I loathed (I was around 11 and the feeling was mutual) and turning in the other direction to avoid him. I certainly didn’t get all giddy to see someone I recognized. Kristy awesomely responds with a “Duh”-like answer when Betsy says it’s probably because she tied their shoes together at the school assembly and they fell down. How did she manage that without them noticing? That’s mean, but pretty stealth. She also put a baggie of water over a restroom door that nailed one of the girls (again, how did she get up there?) and put fake shit in people’s lunches. But for the boys, she put the shit (fake flies and ants) in their actual food. Did she rip open the sandwich and the pudding packet and they just didn’t notice? She put fake barf in one girl’s lunchbox. Kristy is utterly heartbroken and outraged that someone could do this to food and shows it.
I know it’s mean, but I found it funny that Kristy lets Betsy get the popcorn and then trades seats on her so Betsy can’t find her. While she probably shouldn’t have let her go to the lobby alone, in the theater where she can see her is ok. Betsy finally yells for Kristy and then is super embarrassed when other patrons tell her to stfu and the kids from school mock her. Kristy finally reveals herself and they sit with the large popcorn Betsy got. Kristy offers to hold it when Betsy’s hand gets tired. During the movie, Kristy manages to rip open the bottom flap and put her thumb in the bottom of the popcorn without Betsy noticing. (These kids. Too oblivious and too gullible). Anyway, her thumb has a covering on it to look bloody and gored so Betsy noms on the popcorn and in the dimness finally sees the thumb and screams bloody murder. Betsy is humiliated and asks why Kristy did it. Kristy responds that it’s because of the pranks. A better response would have been to say, “To show you that jokes aren’t always funny and can be upsetting other people” but still, she pulled a prank while trying to discourage pranks! This war is so dumb, but at least Betsy is stopped. I would have preferred if they put effort in doing something that actually helps someone or stops someone that’s really wrecking havoc, but this is Stoneybrook! The usher comes by and tells them to shut up or die and then leaves.
Chapter 14!
After the movie lets out, the kids from school tease Betsy and Kristy finally explains that while Claudia was the only one injured, other injuries can happen. What if Dawn had gotten sick from the shaving cream or someone fainted/fell? This is a much better explanation and something they should have done INSTEAD OF PRANKING A SMALL CHILD AND MAKING THEM FUN FOR HER EVEN AFTER AN INJURY!
Kristy takes Betsy to Claudia where a real apology takes place. They talk about being embarrassed as a result of pranks but I find that minute. What’s more important is the hospital stay from an injury, distress, missing school, and even needing physical therapy. The Sobaks say and do absolutely nothing about this! Too busy shacking up ( oh, I’m sorry, “golfing”) to offer an apology at least, eh?
Claudia decides to stay in the club and calls everyone. Claire answers the Pike phone and tacks on “silly-billy-goo-goo” and Claudia says she must be in a silly mood. WHEN IS SHE NOT? Also, I saw a clip of Toddlers and Tiaras (which was absolutely horrifying) and the child being shown reminded me of Claire because she called herself “Honey boo-boo child.” This is stuff that nightmares are made of!
Chapter 15!
Claudia is so scared of getting her cast cut off that she says she’ll keep the cast forever, not listening to reason from the doctor or her mother. When I had mine taken off at six, I was scared of the noise, not the blade. Maybe I was just weird. Anyway, Claudia thinks her leg will be perfect when the cast is taken off and is shocked when it’s limp. The doctor uses small words to explain that she hasn’t used the leg so the muscles are weak. The doctor then not nicely teases Claudia about the blade slipping and shit when she’s obviously afraid. Not the appropriate time or place, doc. He also offers her cast as a souvenir which thankfully she does not accept to make art out of or hide Ring-Dings in.
At the meeting, Sam keeps prank-calling because his hand hurts from being alone all the time and he has nothing better to do. IF Charlie goes away to college, Sam will totally be the one driving Kristy and her friends around. The rest of the meeting is boring. Jessi says that Betsy has a new catalogue of pranks but didn’t play a single one on her. Claudia begs to baby-sit Buddy Barrett and they let her instead of doing the “who’s free” routine. Sam prank-calls again.
And the coup de grâce:
Kristy announces, “I still wouldn’t mind being hit in the face with a pie!” NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. To make it worse, Claudia then says everything is back to normal. MORE FOOD FETISH SHIT? THIS IS NORMAL?! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY. Thankfully the book is now complete, but if it had continued, there would have been a pie orgy. We have the editors of Scholastic to thank for sparing us from that horror, but also to blame for not nixing the other borderline obscene food obsessive references.
Hooray, that’s over. And Claudia, because I’m mad at how annoying you were in this book I am going to say what I’ve wanted to since I read book #1: SHEEP ARE NOT IN. THAT IS ALL.