Super Special #9: Starring The Baby-sitters Club! Chapter 5
Well, it's time for the big people's auditions now, and this is where teh stoopid really kicks in.
Chapter 5 is from Jessi's point of view, and wow. Remember when I said there were no Sharpay types in this book? I lied. We have one major Sharpay in the form of one Jessi Ramsey. When I first typed this part up before LJ ate it, I actually got Bop To The Top stuck in my head courtesy of this bitch.
Seriously, Jessi is out of control better-than-thou. She dissects all her friends' performance and actually starts lecturing Kristy about breath control and tensing her muscles, like she's her fucking drama coach or something.
Apparently Jessi "didn't know there was so much talent right here in Stoneybrook." OK, 1) condescending much, and 2) if there's so much talent there, how come most of the lead roles went to people who'd never sung or acted before?
This book appears to have been written by the Lame Lyric Mixup Ghostie, because we have Logan singing "Wendy's waiting at the door, we won't be lonely anymore" as "Wind is wading on the floor, we won't be lovely anymore." I gotta agree with Jesspay on that one: "Now does that even make sense?"
OK, I would like to introduce you to my new friend. Meet Crack Girl.
On the right. See how there's something sticking out of her mouth? Seriously, what the fuck were the illustrators trying to draw here? I think this illustrator was taking the piss, because I seriously cannot come up with any other explanation other than she is smoking something. The girl on the left, the one whose jumper is riding up to show her mum jeans, looks depressed - perhaps she has just realised that no matter how well she performs the Sues will get all the good roles. Or perhaps it's because her zipper looks like it's about to burst. Or perhaps she just broke up with her boyfriend and is going to cry through her whole audition like that chick in Bring It On. I would kill for a tryouts montage like that movie, it'd beat the shit out of this suckfest of a chapter. The middle one is totes rolling her eyes at Dawn-Sue. Dawn-Sue actually looks quite cute in this, though her face is kind of oddly shaped and makes me think of a vegetable of some kind - a potato, perhaps.
Dawn apparently performs so well that Jessi et al are gaping at her hidden talent. I am gaping at her dance routine. She apparently performs this very sweet waltz. She performed it by herself, but she did it so realistically I could have sworn she was actually dancing with a partner. Dawn slow-dancing with herself. Somehow that seems appropriate.
Finally it is time for The Star's Audition. This is actually really fucking hilarious:
I bolted out of my seat and reached the stage before anyone else did. Hi, Mr. Cheney, remember me?" I said. "I'm Jessi Ramsey."
"Oh, Jessi. Yes, of -"
"And I'm the dancer, remember?" I interrupted him. "I take ballet at the school in Stamford. I've played Clara in The Nutcracker and I've starred in Coppelia and Swan Lake (bullshit, you were in the corps) and Sleeping Beauty." (I would like to see Jessi star in this version. Crack Girl could be in it too.)
"Thank you, Jessi," said Mr. Cheney. "All right, please -"
"Plus, I've -"
"Jessi, a resume isn't necessary. Are you ready to read?"
"Yes, sir. And to sing and dance. I've choreographed a routine."
JESSI, WHAT THE FUCK PART OF "SHUT THE FUCK UP BRAGGING ABOUT YOURSELF AND JUST READ THE FUCKING SCRIPT" DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?! Would you like it in Spanish?
No wonder Mr Cheney only gave her a bit part. Don't see why he couldn't have done the same thing to Karen. Or just cut the bitch. In either sense of the word; I'm not fussed which.
Oh, it seems that another reason our Sue wasn't ~*~*~*teh star!!!1*~*~*~ was because she can't sing. (This is mentioned again in #75, so points to the ghosties for continuity.) Cokie's sidekick Grace covers her ears when Jessi sings, hee!
The auditions finish and Mr Cheney calls the names of the people who've made the cut for another round of auditions for the main parts. Jessi's name isn't one of them! Oh noes! But don't worry! Of course Mr Cheney hadn't called my name. He'd already made up his mind about the role of Peter Pan.
Coming up next: Lifestyles of the Stoneybrook Plastics!