BSC in th USA
And the adventure continues in BSC Road Trip Land, where I become convinced that Abby should have gone to the North Route - among other things.
Part One.
CHAPTER FOUR - MALLORY
Mallory, sweet adorable Mallory wants to go to Chincoteague (the funniest word my spellcheck wants to change this word to is 'Chickenhearted' followed by Interchange) to see the ponies she heard about in the Misty books. Of all the horse related things to go see. I'd rather go see Churchill Downs. Get pics of the statue of Secretariat and what not. But no, she has to go see the place in her favorite book. I can't harp on this too much, because there's book related places I want to go to, but I've listened to the first Misty book on audio...
...and I could feel my brain cells dying. Mallory seriously needs to move on to the Thoroughbred series, or something.
Jessi and Mallory are appalled that the original Misty has been stuffed. Has no one told them the life expectancy of a horse is not the same as a human? Seriously. It's not like this is a new thing. I've seen a stuffed horse before - it was kind of cool. Guess we shouldn't tell them that there's parts of the world where people eat horse-meat - as opposed to you know, just putting it in pet food. Being stuffed is much better than being Puppy Chow...
...wait... nevermind.
Anyway, Andrew whines, they run into the most stupid plot device since I don't know - literally. I guess we have to have a brat outside of the family to distract us from Karen and Andrew. I remain stunned that David Michael never smothered either one of those two with a pillow. Seriously.
Jessi manages to sound even dumber than Claudia with the parkas when she utters the line “I guess places change.” When the town is nothing like they were described in the books - which were written in 1947.
No shit, Jessi. That's why I'm NOT sitting in the middle of a fallow wheat field while I'm writing this - or heck, a prairie full of buffalo... or - I think I'll stop there.
The plot device is a brat named Liz and well, we all remember the last Liz, last name Lewis, right? 'Nuff said.
They drive around the island and don't see any ponies, so Watson, who does whatever the hell he wants, pulls off in a hiking area which isn't an authorized picnic area for the family to eat. Where they share the area with ants and yellow jackets.
Yellow jackets. +blinks and looks over at Abby+ Uh....
YELLOW JACKETS 'EFFING STING AND ABBY IS ALLERGIC TO EVERYTHING!!!
Shit, Watson, you want to call Mrs. Stevenson and explain why her little girl is in the ER suffering from apoplectic shock because you didn't.... wait... Abby is the smartest person in that RV - she would know about yellow jackets and probably has a small can of Raid in her pocket. Or something.
They see ponies and Mallory has a joy-gasam. Churchill Downs would have been much cooler. Like the Atlanta Ballet would be cool.
CHAPTER FIVE - CLAUDIA
I almost always skip over the handwritten stuff - but seriously, Claud, there's no excuse for not knowing how to spell third grade words when you're in eighth. Or at least knowing the right word to use - great, not grate - roll not role, and with all that, how did you manage to spell Chicago correctly?
Jack plays old music which Claud calls awful. If Abby was on the RV, she'd strangle Claud for that. Seriously. Give me some old time Rock and Roll any day. They have been on the trip three days, with stops in Cleveland and Detroit (so Kristy could go see another stupid stadium because she's Ann's favorite and gets to do whatever the hell she wants.) and Jack acts like a total asshole about Richard, pissing Mary Anne off and rightfully so.
Kristy is surprised Chicago has a beach right in the city. Because other cities don't have those at all. Did you never notice that big ass lake on your map of the USA called Lake Michigan? Hate to think what she'd do if she ever saw Lake Superior.
Stacey freaks out because Claud GLANCES in her journal looking for her own. Seriously, Stace, no one is interested in your angst or your bitchyness. And to think I once voted for you in the 'Favorite Baby-Sitter' contest. On the upside of that, I do have a +printed+ signature of Ann M. Martin book. I can only conclude that Stace is PMSing her brains out or the fact that she's just learned that NYC is not the center of the universe has really thrown her for a loop. She won't even let poor Claud explain herself.
They run into a traffic jam (and no shit, do you know how big that city is?) and finally arrive at Claudia's very cool choice of the Art Institute - which the only other person who appreciates is Mary Anne - Because Stacey's a damn brat, Kristy, Jack and Jeff go to the arms and armor exhibit and Dawn and Stacey go hang out in the gift shop.
…..and then they go to ANOTHER fucking baseball stadium - well, it's mentioned. If Abby was with them instead of Kristy, they could have gone to Memphis by skipping Detroit and - oh, sorry, logic.
Mary Anne's having a rough time with Jack being a shit and Claud and her wander happily around the museum in peace and quiet. Which was kind of nice.
CHAPTER SEVEN - ABBY
They're in Memphis and to her credit, I will give Abby the benefit of the intelligence of an eighth grader for not knowing about Elvis impersonators. No mention if they stopped in Dollywood in Nashville, because that would be far to interesting and there are no amusement parks anywhere but California and Disneyworld.
+throws a disgusted look at the North RV+ You go to Ohio and instead of going to Cedar Point you go to a ball game. Kristy, you bitch - and I hate roller coasters.
Where was I? Oh yes, Abby is having her own little fangasm and people seem to give her a lot harder time about it than they did Mallory. Karen, Andrew and David M are getting into the act too, because they've never seen men in rhinestone suits before, because they are way to sheltered and have no idea what's going on in the real world. Elizabeth and Watson aren't coping with it - because we all know they wish they could join in, but they have to look like adults - and in punishment, send Abby, Jessi and Mal off with the kiddos to look at Graceland, which is the closest this book gets to a baby-sitting chapter.
Jessi laughs at Abby for thinking an impersonator was really Elvis. Wait until Jessi gets into some advanced ballet program after high school and discovers that there are men in ballet who aren't into girls. Then she'll finally figure out what's up with Kristy. I want to read that book. All it takes is one viewing of The Black Swan and...
...sorry, rambling again.
And Abby embraces the true spirit of the road trip - “The King (Elvis) is dead. That doesn't mean you have to stop looking.” - I quote The Bad Girl's Guide to the Open Road - “When traveling across the USA, always be long the lookout for Elvis - Just keep the faith and keep your eyes open - it happens.
Rock on, Abby - you have been granted the status of True Elvis Fangirl and True Thirteen Year Old. Please don't abuse it.
CHAPTER EIGHT - MARY ANNE
Kristy is getting to see more fucking stadiums. Enough already. You've seen - three, you don't need to see any more. (There's no word on if they saw the stadium where the White Sox play. I imagine they did - if so, she's on four and there's still more of them.)
They are in Illinois on their way to Milwaukee... wait a sec... MAPQUEST!! +runs off for a moment+ Okay, it's official - Abby should be in this RV. With no Kristy, and thus, no ballparks, Cleveland is off the trip and it's twenty-six hours from Stoneybrook to Memphis to Chicago.
Twenty-six hours. We'll make that seventy-two because they would have stopped in Sandusky because it'd be cool and you know what, no going all the way up to Minneapolis and...
Fuck you Lerangis.
Getting back to the plot, Mary Anne is talking to Gran, who, after some discussion will meet them at the Mall of America instead of Middle-of-Nowhere Maynard, Iowa. Because Stacey would have a coronary and die from the sight of all the corn that is used to make high-fructose corn syrup and -
How do I keep coming up with these better plots?
Mary Anne isn't too happy about another mall - and well, I sort of agree. But how the fuck do these girls not know about the Mall of America? How could - wait.... wait, this is Claudia the Challenged and Stacey the Snob we're talking about. But Mary Anne and Dawn not knowing? Seriously? WTF.
Jack acts like an insensitive asshole.
They go to Milwaukee where Dawn goes off on a poor vendor selling bratwurst.
Dear Dawn: Welcome to the Midwest. WE LOVE MEAT HERE. Walk into a grocery store, look at the price of fresh ocean fish things and you'll see why we aren't vegetarians. Sincerely: Me
Mary Anne manages to have a good time with her gran, but Dawn, bitch that she is, makes them go to a health food store. EXCUSE ME? This is Mary Anne's stop.... SHE SHOULD GET TO PICK THE PLACE YOU EAT!!!
Dawn even makes them order food from this place. If I was Mary Anne, I wouldn't take this shit. I'm surprised Kristy does.
We learn where Mary Anne gets her passive aggressiveness as her gran sweetly rips Jack a new one by defending Richard's love of meat and potatoes.
And well, so it wasn't so much the Mary Anne we don't want to admit exists, but I think this is the Mary Anne we'd like to think she is all the time.
****
Join us next time when Jessi renews her bitch club membership - and with chapters from Dawn, Abby and Claudia - I'm already having fits over the total disrespect for the great states of Oklahoma and South Dakota - including one of the biggest cliches for Midwestern Summers. A plot device so unimaginative and expected, it makes about as much sense as Jessi's choice for her stop.
AKA - The two chapters where I began to absolutely, positively and unconditionally begin to hate Dawn for the rest of time.
Part One.
CHAPTER FOUR - MALLORY
Mallory, sweet adorable Mallory wants to go to Chincoteague (the funniest word my spellcheck wants to change this word to is 'Chickenhearted' followed by Interchange) to see the ponies she heard about in the Misty books. Of all the horse related things to go see. I'd rather go see Churchill Downs. Get pics of the statue of Secretariat and what not. But no, she has to go see the place in her favorite book. I can't harp on this too much, because there's book related places I want to go to, but I've listened to the first Misty book on audio...
...and I could feel my brain cells dying. Mallory seriously needs to move on to the Thoroughbred series, or something.
Jessi and Mallory are appalled that the original Misty has been stuffed. Has no one told them the life expectancy of a horse is not the same as a human? Seriously. It's not like this is a new thing. I've seen a stuffed horse before - it was kind of cool. Guess we shouldn't tell them that there's parts of the world where people eat horse-meat - as opposed to you know, just putting it in pet food. Being stuffed is much better than being Puppy Chow...
...wait... nevermind.
Anyway, Andrew whines, they run into the most stupid plot device since I don't know - literally. I guess we have to have a brat outside of the family to distract us from Karen and Andrew. I remain stunned that David Michael never smothered either one of those two with a pillow. Seriously.
Jessi manages to sound even dumber than Claudia with the parkas when she utters the line “I guess places change.” When the town is nothing like they were described in the books - which were written in 1947.
No shit, Jessi. That's why I'm NOT sitting in the middle of a fallow wheat field while I'm writing this - or heck, a prairie full of buffalo... or - I think I'll stop there.
The plot device is a brat named Liz and well, we all remember the last Liz, last name Lewis, right? 'Nuff said.
They drive around the island and don't see any ponies, so Watson, who does whatever the hell he wants, pulls off in a hiking area which isn't an authorized picnic area for the family to eat. Where they share the area with ants and yellow jackets.
Yellow jackets. +blinks and looks over at Abby+ Uh....
YELLOW JACKETS 'EFFING STING AND ABBY IS ALLERGIC TO EVERYTHING!!!
Shit, Watson, you want to call Mrs. Stevenson and explain why her little girl is in the ER suffering from apoplectic shock because you didn't.... wait... Abby is the smartest person in that RV - she would know about yellow jackets and probably has a small can of Raid in her pocket. Or something.
They see ponies and Mallory has a joy-gasam. Churchill Downs would have been much cooler. Like the Atlanta Ballet would be cool.
CHAPTER FIVE - CLAUDIA
I almost always skip over the handwritten stuff - but seriously, Claud, there's no excuse for not knowing how to spell third grade words when you're in eighth. Or at least knowing the right word to use - great, not grate - roll not role, and with all that, how did you manage to spell Chicago correctly?
Jack plays old music which Claud calls awful. If Abby was on the RV, she'd strangle Claud for that. Seriously. Give me some old time Rock and Roll any day. They have been on the trip three days, with stops in Cleveland and Detroit (so Kristy could go see another stupid stadium because she's Ann's favorite and gets to do whatever the hell she wants.) and Jack acts like a total asshole about Richard, pissing Mary Anne off and rightfully so.
Kristy is surprised Chicago has a beach right in the city. Because other cities don't have those at all. Did you never notice that big ass lake on your map of the USA called Lake Michigan? Hate to think what she'd do if she ever saw Lake Superior.
Stacey freaks out because Claud GLANCES in her journal looking for her own. Seriously, Stace, no one is interested in your angst or your bitchyness. And to think I once voted for you in the 'Favorite Baby-Sitter' contest. On the upside of that, I do have a +printed+ signature of Ann M. Martin book. I can only conclude that Stace is PMSing her brains out or the fact that she's just learned that NYC is not the center of the universe has really thrown her for a loop. She won't even let poor Claud explain herself.
They run into a traffic jam (and no shit, do you know how big that city is?) and finally arrive at Claudia's very cool choice of the Art Institute - which the only other person who appreciates is Mary Anne - Because Stacey's a damn brat, Kristy, Jack and Jeff go to the arms and armor exhibit and Dawn and Stacey go hang out in the gift shop.
…..and then they go to ANOTHER fucking baseball stadium - well, it's mentioned. If Abby was with them instead of Kristy, they could have gone to Memphis by skipping Detroit and - oh, sorry, logic.
Mary Anne's having a rough time with Jack being a shit and Claud and her wander happily around the museum in peace and quiet. Which was kind of nice.
CHAPTER SEVEN - ABBY
They're in Memphis and to her credit, I will give Abby the benefit of the intelligence of an eighth grader for not knowing about Elvis impersonators. No mention if they stopped in Dollywood in Nashville, because that would be far to interesting and there are no amusement parks anywhere but California and Disneyworld.
+throws a disgusted look at the North RV+ You go to Ohio and instead of going to Cedar Point you go to a ball game. Kristy, you bitch - and I hate roller coasters.
Where was I? Oh yes, Abby is having her own little fangasm and people seem to give her a lot harder time about it than they did Mallory. Karen, Andrew and David M are getting into the act too, because they've never seen men in rhinestone suits before, because they are way to sheltered and have no idea what's going on in the real world. Elizabeth and Watson aren't coping with it - because we all know they wish they could join in, but they have to look like adults - and in punishment, send Abby, Jessi and Mal off with the kiddos to look at Graceland, which is the closest this book gets to a baby-sitting chapter.
Jessi laughs at Abby for thinking an impersonator was really Elvis. Wait until Jessi gets into some advanced ballet program after high school and discovers that there are men in ballet who aren't into girls. Then she'll finally figure out what's up with Kristy. I want to read that book. All it takes is one viewing of The Black Swan and...
...sorry, rambling again.
And Abby embraces the true spirit of the road trip - “The King (Elvis) is dead. That doesn't mean you have to stop looking.” - I quote The Bad Girl's Guide to the Open Road - “When traveling across the USA, always be long the lookout for Elvis - Just keep the faith and keep your eyes open - it happens.
Rock on, Abby - you have been granted the status of True Elvis Fangirl and True Thirteen Year Old. Please don't abuse it.
CHAPTER EIGHT - MARY ANNE
Kristy is getting to see more fucking stadiums. Enough already. You've seen - three, you don't need to see any more. (There's no word on if they saw the stadium where the White Sox play. I imagine they did - if so, she's on four and there's still more of them.)
They are in Illinois on their way to Milwaukee... wait a sec... MAPQUEST!! +runs off for a moment+ Okay, it's official - Abby should be in this RV. With no Kristy, and thus, no ballparks, Cleveland is off the trip and it's twenty-six hours from Stoneybrook to Memphis to Chicago.
Twenty-six hours. We'll make that seventy-two because they would have stopped in Sandusky because it'd be cool and you know what, no going all the way up to Minneapolis and...
Fuck you Lerangis.
Getting back to the plot, Mary Anne is talking to Gran, who, after some discussion will meet them at the Mall of America instead of Middle-of-Nowhere Maynard, Iowa. Because Stacey would have a coronary and die from the sight of all the corn that is used to make high-fructose corn syrup and -
How do I keep coming up with these better plots?
Mary Anne isn't too happy about another mall - and well, I sort of agree. But how the fuck do these girls not know about the Mall of America? How could - wait.... wait, this is Claudia the Challenged and Stacey the Snob we're talking about. But Mary Anne and Dawn not knowing? Seriously? WTF.
Jack acts like an insensitive asshole.
They go to Milwaukee where Dawn goes off on a poor vendor selling bratwurst.
Dear Dawn: Welcome to the Midwest. WE LOVE MEAT HERE. Walk into a grocery store, look at the price of fresh ocean fish things and you'll see why we aren't vegetarians. Sincerely: Me
Mary Anne manages to have a good time with her gran, but Dawn, bitch that she is, makes them go to a health food store. EXCUSE ME? This is Mary Anne's stop.... SHE SHOULD GET TO PICK THE PLACE YOU EAT!!!
Dawn even makes them order food from this place. If I was Mary Anne, I wouldn't take this shit. I'm surprised Kristy does.
We learn where Mary Anne gets her passive aggressiveness as her gran sweetly rips Jack a new one by defending Richard's love of meat and potatoes.
And well, so it wasn't so much the Mary Anne we don't want to admit exists, but I think this is the Mary Anne we'd like to think she is all the time.
****
Join us next time when Jessi renews her bitch club membership - and with chapters from Dawn, Abby and Claudia - I'm already having fits over the total disrespect for the great states of Oklahoma and South Dakota - including one of the biggest cliches for Midwestern Summers. A plot device so unimaginative and expected, it makes about as much sense as Jessi's choice for her stop.
AKA - The two chapters where I began to absolutely, positively and unconditionally begin to hate Dawn for the rest of time.