#9: The Ghost at Dawn's House - Part 3
Part One
Part Two
Chapter Eleven
Dawn and Mary Anne are lazing in the Schaefer barn. Dawn remarks that it's only the third time MA has been in there because she's a giant pussy who's nervous about inhabiting rickety, 200-year-old structures. You've known this girl for less than a year (I think this was before time started slippin' slippin' slippin', at least). How often does she need to be in your barn? And may I ask how often your other friends have been in it?
Mary Anne ponders over being too afraid of things. Dawn doesn't stop her to disagree. She mentions being too afraid of making new friends before she met Dawn. I'm not sure how she's really overcome that, considering the only other friends she ever makes are through the BSC, and she has nothing to do with any of the other members joining. Except Logan, but I'm pretty sure she only gives him the time of day because he looks like Cam Geary and enjoys baby-sitting, thus embodying the only two things she really cares about.
Dawn asks how brave she's feeling right now, saying, "I've got a great secret to show you." I just bet you do, Dawn. She suggests they go get flashlights and Mary Anne hesitates. Dawn teases her about being afraid of the dark and MA points out that it's not the dark she's afraid of, but all the things hidden in it. Well said. Dawn taunts her some more, even though this is really based in her own fear of going back into the secret passage alone. What a bitch.
"You're in for the surprise of your life," Dawn promises. Oh, dear. And of course, this involves taking Mary Anne to her bedroom. When she pulls her bedroom wall open, Mary Anne says in a near whisper, "I don't believe it. How--how did you find it?" (Count: 9.)
Dawn tells her about the discovery, but leaves out all the stuff about weird items and psycho hose beast ghosts in the passage. She then shoves Mary Anne ahead of her so she can't change her mind about seeing the passage. Dawn notices the nickel she threw back into the passage is gone, but also decides to withhold that from her bff.
Then Mary Anne stops in her tracks, insisting she heard something. Peanuts crunching under their feet. Dawn starts hand-wringing about how they weren't there before and the ghost must have done it. Hilariously, Mary Anne pulls a "Get out of the way, bitch," shoves past Dawn, and runs back to the entryway, trying to push the bedroom wall in while Dawn's still in the passage. Serves you right, bitchface.
Once they're both back in Dawn's room and calm, Dawn tells MA the whole story, complete with the magically appearing/disappearing items. As they're talking, they hear loud thumps from inside the passage. Dawn gets up to investigate. When she opens the passage again, she screams because she sees a book called Great Dog Tales lying at the bottom of the passage steps. I suspect that she's thinking about the huge overdue fee that's sitting on that book right now at the Stoneybrook public library.
Chapter Twelve
Here comes Stacey, writing a journal entry with her stupid hearts for i dots. She hints at exciting things to come, something Margo and Vanessa Pike did to Claire that is so awful, she will never be able to forget it. From this description, I gather that Claire has been tied to her bed and dissected while fully conscious or something.
Stacey is sitting for the four youngest Pikes. The girls go out to get the mail and Nicky is reading alone, so Stacey starts on some chores she's agreed to do for extra pay. These including such challenging tasks as folding laundry and removing the clean dishes from the dishwasher to put them up, things I was fully capable of doing by the time I was six. With this many fucking kids in the house, you shouldn't need to be paying anyone else to do this stuff for you.
After a while, Stacey decides to check on the kids. This means peeking in on Nicky and then shouting for the girls. When told simply, "We're upstairs!" she considers her job done and goes back to the chores. After 15 more minutes of unnatural silence, she finally decides to take her ass upstairs. Just then, a little shrieking "thing" covered in foam comes flying at her, ruining her Hawaiian shirt. I wonder if this means a shirt advertising Hawaii or a Hawaiian print shirt. One seems out of place on Stacey, and the other was never cool, even in the 80's.
Stacey barely manages to stop the foam thing from falling down the stairs. She recognizes it as a sobbing Claire, and looks around to see Vanessa and Margo nearby, looking solemnly at their sister. Their creepy-ass look is what sounds alarms for Stacey. Nothing else up to that point. Okay. The girls don't respond to questioning. You'd think they killed someone or something.
Stacey makes out that Claire's saying "shampoo," and is all, "Oh, you knuckleheads, it's just shampoo? Let's go wash it out, sillies," like they don't know how shampoo works. Stacey pours some cupfuls of water over the hair and it just puffs up more and more. Since Claire's already in a tub, I feel like immersing it in water would just be easier. Tell her to lie back.
Wen the foam won't wash out, Stacey asks Margo and Vanessa wtf kind of shampoo this is and they reveal an empty bottle of Calladew's Perfection Shampoo (Concentrated). The bottle says that a little dab'll do ya, but it's empty. As it turns out, it came as a sample in the mail, and the Pike parents always let their kids have the samples. A week ago, a sample of gum came, and Margo and Vanessa chewed it all without giving any to Claire. So Claire got the full bottle of Calladew's Perfection Shampoo (Concentrated) in its entirety.
Stacey admonishes Vanessa for not reading the label first and Vanessa is so ashamed that she forgets to backtalk in rhyme. At this point, Stacey remembers that she has another babysitting charge and goes downstairs to find Nicky. When he isn't there, she doesn't panic, but 45 minutes later, he still hasn't returned and Claire still has a head full of foam. So Stacey calls Dawn to save her ass.
Dawn has been home alone and hearing all kinds of weird sounds coming from the passage, so she's only too happy to help at the Pike house. Stacey asks her to go look for Nicky, so she once again wanders the neighborhood, shouting and looking up trees. At the edge of her own property, he suddenly appears, looking dusty and smelling of a vaguely familiar odor. When Dawn asks where he's been, he blows some gum bubbles and scratches at a scab on his knee, but doesn't answer. She offers to take him home and he slips his hand into hers. Awwww...only she mentions that it's dirty, sticky, and wet. Eww x about 1,000.
Nicky arrives home to find Vanessa in a bad mood. Knowing she's in trouble herself, she calls for Nicky's blood. Before Stacey can say anything, Nicky accuses her of being jealous of his dog friend who saves people from avalanches. He and Vanessa then argue over the existence of his amazing dog friend until Stacey tells them both to stfu.
Chapter Thirteen
When Dawn gets home, she doesn't hear any more sounds from the passage, so she decides to explore it again. The dog book is gone, but a crust of bread has turned up. I knew Jared Mullray was a slob. She also finds a key, smaller and older than the other one, shoved into a corner at the bottom of the stairs. Was that Jared's back-up escape key, which he also never had a chance to use?
She once again hears moaning late one night during a storm and decides to sleep on the couch again. I'm tellin' ya, man, it's the wind blowing around that trap door in the barn.
A few days later, she finds herself sitting for the Pikes again. Mrs. Pike has to take Claire for a haircut, thanks to the after-effects of Callidew's Perfection Shampoo (Concentrated). Mallory helps Dawn watch Nicky and the triplets.
This afternoon, she finds them playing basketball together--the triplets against Nicky. Kids are such little assholes. Mallory suggests they have a smorgasbord for lunch. Dawn isn't sure what it is, but Mallory explains that you just take everything out of the fridge, put it on the table, and let them get whatever the hell they want. Wouldn't it just be easier to leave it in the fridge and let them get whatever the hell they want?
When they call the boys in for lunch, Nicky is quite excited to see that they'll be having a schmurgerbeard. "One of the triplets" corrects him, calling him stupid, and Dawn says, "Don't call your brother stupid," which everyone ignores. She ignores the fact that everyone's ignoring her. Right. Good plan.
Dawn finds Jordan at the stove, turning up the flame under a frying pan. I assume this means he is normally allowed to do this, and I love that he apparently doesn't know how to fold his own laundry, but can play with fire. When Dawn stops him to ask what he wants, he requests fried baloney. Byron wants fried peanut butter and jelly. Adam wants a fried egg. Nicky wants fried barf.
"Ha ha, so funny I forgot to laugh," Jordan says. It's okay to hit him with the frying pan now, Dawn. Adam then gets Nicky to point at his head and say Mark Twain's initials, and the triplets all get a big kick out of this, one of the stupidest jokes ever. I remember my older brother trying it on me and me not playing along, so it ended with him holding me down while pointing to my head and shouting, "M.T.! M.T.!" over and over.
No wonder I hate kids.
When Nicky gets wise to the joke, he says, "Ha ha, so funny I forgot to laugh," but the triplets ignore him.
The rest of the meal is quiet, with Nicky keeping to himself, poor kid. As he gets up to leave, Adam offers him half a cupcake. Nicky is flattered, but I'm thinking...it's a schmurgerbeard. Couldn't he have just grabbed one for himself? Nicky tries to sit back down, but crashes to the ground, because Adam has pulled the chair out from behind him. The triplets laugh until they cry and poor Nicky runs out without a word. Please come back in with a gun and kill them. Please.
Dawn lays down the law and tells the triplets they're going to help Mallory clean the living room and kitchen while she looks for Nicky, and that their mom's going to hear about this and any other shit they pull today. Then she feels bad about it. What?! Puh-lease don't tell me you're conscious-stricken over calling out a group of bullies.
Since she has a theory to test out, Dawn doesn't bother shouting for Nicky, just goes straight to her own barn and finds, as she expected, the bale of hay over the trap door pushed aside. She climbs down, calling for Nicky, then goes back to the house for a flashlight when she doesn't get a response. As she climbs down again, she calls out some more, but all she hears is heavy breathing. She shines the light around and sees nothing and starts to worry that it's not Nicky after all, but Jared. Why would a ghost have to move the bale of hay and open the trap door? She's so scared that she climbs back into the barn and just sits there, internally panicking, considering calling the police. I like to imagine that call. "Yeah, um, I think there's a ghost in my barn?"
She finally dcides to go for it and climbs back down, shouting that she's coming after whoever's there. She hears footsteps running and follows them.
Chapter Fourteen
She hears the footsteps thumping up the stairs and keeps following them. She turns the corner and sees someone crouched in the corner. It's Jared, and he kills her.
Actually, it's just Nicky. Dawn shows him how the passage opens into her room and invites him in. She notes that he's very dirty, with dust on his clothes, chocolate cake smashed on one arm, and tears streaking his cheeks--all while sitting on her white bedspread. "But I didn't care." The hell you don't, Dawn, or you wouldn't have said anything.
Nicky tells of how he found the trap door while looking for a quiet place to read Amazing Dog Tales, hid a flashlight in some hay, and kept coming back. And sometimes he brought his coin collection with him. Okay. And another time, the ice cream truck came by outside and he bought a Fancy Old-Fashioned Ice Cream Parlour Cone that cost a whole dollar. First of all, any Nutty Buddy has those cones, and secondly, the only thing that would have cost a dollar on the ice cream truck at that time were those big-ass ice cream sandwiches made between two chocolate chip cookies. I remember this well.
Nicky confesses that he was also confused when some of the old things down there, like the key and the buckle, disappeared. Dawn explains that she took them, then asks about the really old key she found the day before. Nicky isn't sure what she's talking about. Then Dawn asks him if he was ever in the passage at night, which he rightfully feels is a crazy question. So Dawn isn't really set at ease at all.
The go back to the Pike house and find Dee already home, wondering where the hell Dawn is. They have a Talk and it's decided that Nicky can keep going to the passage, as long as he tells someone where he's going first. In just a few short years, he will surely be drilling small holes in the wall to watch Dawn undress. And Mary Anne, I guess. Maybe even Dawn Mom. I alway sort of pictured her like Ferris Bueller's mom, but I could be wrong, she might be a MILF. For now, Nicky's all innocent smiles and, "You're the best baby-sitter ever!" and Dawn's heart swells five times larger.
Chapter Fifteen
The BSC are having a sleepover at Dawn's house. They're settling down for a long night of movie-watcing.
Kristy: Ghostbusters
Claudia: Star Wars
Stacey: Mary Poppins
Mary Anne: Sixteen Candles
Dawn: The Parent Trap
The only person I can even begin to agree with here is Kristy. By the way, just want to point out how unsophisticated Stacey's choice is, Ms. New York. Really, shouldn't she be rooting for Annie Hall or Stardust Memories? They draw straws and the winners are Ghostbusters and Sixteen Candles.
"Mary Anne was jubilant. She'd brought two copies of Sixteen magazine with her, and there was an article about Cam Geary, the love of her life, in it. Cam Geary and Sixteen Candles created a really prime evening for Mary Anne." Might have to give her some time alone with the mags, guys.
When the Stay-Puft Marshmallow man bursts, Kristy pauses the movie and calls for s'mores. Dawn is appalled that Kristy would even suggest the Schaefers might have junk food like that in their household, but Kristy and Claudia sneak off and return with the s'mores makings and assorted other junk food. And crackers. You know. For Stacey and Dawn. Who are currently in the household of a health nut. Dawn's all, "Where'd you guys get all this stuff?" I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest that it was purchased at the store. Kristy confirms this.
Kristy pauses the movie and tells the troops to make the s'mores quickly, before the movie comes back on. I am absolutely amused by this, remembering my old VCR that would unpause itself after five minutes (and how much this annoyed me, because our older VCR from the mid-80's didn't do that). Kristy, MA, and Claudia dash for the kitchen and Dawn's all, "Boy. Just 'cause we don't stuff our faces with garbage like a bunch of pigs." Shut the fuck up, Dawn. What did they do, exactly, other than leave you and Stacey alone with your thoughts for two minutes? Stacey's all, "Whatevs, they're the ones who're going to end up with pimples," which is a load of shit, as Claudia's perfect complexion showcases.
It's okay, though, Dawn has a plan to "get back at" the others. For fucking WHAT?! Dawn mentions the secret passage, then leans over to whisper to Stacey, which is like, why? You said that other stuff in a normal voice, so if they were going to hear you, they already did. Truth is, they probably don't care, they're making s'mores. I'd be focused on that shit, too.
As soon as the movie's over, MA dives for the remote, all because they're going to watch Sixteen Candles, which, by the way, is probably my least favorite John Hughes film, but I guess I should just be glad they're not arguing over whether to watch Ben-Hur or Lawrence of Arabia. Dawn Geary-blocks Mary Anne by suggesting they wait until 1 or 2 A.M. to watch it, an idea Kristy is enthusiastic about. Dawn notes that Mary Anne looks disappointed, but doesn't want to argue with everyone else, so says nothing. Dawn, you are a bitch and a half for preying on your bff's confidence issues like that. Fuck you, Dawn. Fuck you.
Dawn lures everyone upstairs with make-over promises, then she and Stacey do the "Boy, I'm soooooo thirsty, better get some soda" routine. Claudia is skeptical that Dawn actually has soda. "Do you mean Perrier or sparkling, saltless mineral water from an artesian well or something?" If you were that worried about it, Claudia, why didn't you bring your own soda? But! Now I'd like to take a moment to point out that Dawn's so insulted when Claudia asks if they soda when she was just clutching her pearls over the suggestion that she'd have the makings for s'mores in her kitchen.
Stacey and Dawn head out to the barn and Dawn shows her the passage. Once they're close enough to hear their friends' voices through the wall, they start rapping on the walls and moaning. Mary Anne pretty much shits herself shouting about haunted secret passages, confusing everyone. Dawn and Stace keep it up until they hear lots of screaming and crashing in the room. They finally open the secret passage and find stuff knocked over left and right and Claud, MA, and Kristy huddled on the bed.
Stacey and Dawn laugh at their friends' expense until tears run down their faces. Dawn explains about the passage, Nicky, Jared, the nickel. She doesn't mention the nighttime noises or the mysterious little key. Claudia begs her for a tour, but as she's reaching for the door, they hear more rapping from inside. As it's nearly 1 A.M., Dawn rules out Nicky, fastens the lock on her wall, and has her friends drag their sleeping bags to the living room for the night.
The next morning, the girls wake up to the smell of eggs and toast (Egg Beaters and whole wheat toast, no doubt) and think about all the fun things with which to fill the last few days of their summer vacation. In the middle of mall trips, cookouts, and gossip-fests, someone suggests playing tennis. What? Dawn thinks about how with friends like these, she doesn't have time to worry about crazy, two hundred-year-old men named Jared Mullray! That thought won't keep you warm in the middle of the night when you're alone in the dark and you hear more creaking and moaning, Dawn.
This was my first snark, and I had a lot of fun doing it. Thanks for reading.
Part Two
Chapter Eleven
Dawn and Mary Anne are lazing in the Schaefer barn. Dawn remarks that it's only the third time MA has been in there because she's a giant pussy who's nervous about inhabiting rickety, 200-year-old structures. You've known this girl for less than a year (I think this was before time started slippin' slippin' slippin', at least). How often does she need to be in your barn? And may I ask how often your other friends have been in it?
Mary Anne ponders over being too afraid of things. Dawn doesn't stop her to disagree. She mentions being too afraid of making new friends before she met Dawn. I'm not sure how she's really overcome that, considering the only other friends she ever makes are through the BSC, and she has nothing to do with any of the other members joining. Except Logan, but I'm pretty sure she only gives him the time of day because he looks like Cam Geary and enjoys baby-sitting, thus embodying the only two things she really cares about.
Dawn asks how brave she's feeling right now, saying, "I've got a great secret to show you." I just bet you do, Dawn. She suggests they go get flashlights and Mary Anne hesitates. Dawn teases her about being afraid of the dark and MA points out that it's not the dark she's afraid of, but all the things hidden in it. Well said. Dawn taunts her some more, even though this is really based in her own fear of going back into the secret passage alone. What a bitch.
"You're in for the surprise of your life," Dawn promises. Oh, dear. And of course, this involves taking Mary Anne to her bedroom. When she pulls her bedroom wall open, Mary Anne says in a near whisper, "I don't believe it. How--how did you find it?" (Count: 9.)
Dawn tells her about the discovery, but leaves out all the stuff about weird items and psycho hose beast ghosts in the passage. She then shoves Mary Anne ahead of her so she can't change her mind about seeing the passage. Dawn notices the nickel she threw back into the passage is gone, but also decides to withhold that from her bff.
Then Mary Anne stops in her tracks, insisting she heard something. Peanuts crunching under their feet. Dawn starts hand-wringing about how they weren't there before and the ghost must have done it. Hilariously, Mary Anne pulls a "Get out of the way, bitch," shoves past Dawn, and runs back to the entryway, trying to push the bedroom wall in while Dawn's still in the passage. Serves you right, bitchface.
Once they're both back in Dawn's room and calm, Dawn tells MA the whole story, complete with the magically appearing/disappearing items. As they're talking, they hear loud thumps from inside the passage. Dawn gets up to investigate. When she opens the passage again, she screams because she sees a book called Great Dog Tales lying at the bottom of the passage steps. I suspect that she's thinking about the huge overdue fee that's sitting on that book right now at the Stoneybrook public library.
Chapter Twelve
Here comes Stacey, writing a journal entry with her stupid hearts for i dots. She hints at exciting things to come, something Margo and Vanessa Pike did to Claire that is so awful, she will never be able to forget it. From this description, I gather that Claire has been tied to her bed and dissected while fully conscious or something.
Stacey is sitting for the four youngest Pikes. The girls go out to get the mail and Nicky is reading alone, so Stacey starts on some chores she's agreed to do for extra pay. These including such challenging tasks as folding laundry and removing the clean dishes from the dishwasher to put them up, things I was fully capable of doing by the time I was six. With this many fucking kids in the house, you shouldn't need to be paying anyone else to do this stuff for you.
After a while, Stacey decides to check on the kids. This means peeking in on Nicky and then shouting for the girls. When told simply, "We're upstairs!" she considers her job done and goes back to the chores. After 15 more minutes of unnatural silence, she finally decides to take her ass upstairs. Just then, a little shrieking "thing" covered in foam comes flying at her, ruining her Hawaiian shirt. I wonder if this means a shirt advertising Hawaii or a Hawaiian print shirt. One seems out of place on Stacey, and the other was never cool, even in the 80's.
Stacey barely manages to stop the foam thing from falling down the stairs. She recognizes it as a sobbing Claire, and looks around to see Vanessa and Margo nearby, looking solemnly at their sister. Their creepy-ass look is what sounds alarms for Stacey. Nothing else up to that point. Okay. The girls don't respond to questioning. You'd think they killed someone or something.
Stacey makes out that Claire's saying "shampoo," and is all, "Oh, you knuckleheads, it's just shampoo? Let's go wash it out, sillies," like they don't know how shampoo works. Stacey pours some cupfuls of water over the hair and it just puffs up more and more. Since Claire's already in a tub, I feel like immersing it in water would just be easier. Tell her to lie back.
Wen the foam won't wash out, Stacey asks Margo and Vanessa wtf kind of shampoo this is and they reveal an empty bottle of Calladew's Perfection Shampoo (Concentrated). The bottle says that a little dab'll do ya, but it's empty. As it turns out, it came as a sample in the mail, and the Pike parents always let their kids have the samples. A week ago, a sample of gum came, and Margo and Vanessa chewed it all without giving any to Claire. So Claire got the full bottle of Calladew's Perfection Shampoo (Concentrated) in its entirety.
Stacey admonishes Vanessa for not reading the label first and Vanessa is so ashamed that she forgets to backtalk in rhyme. At this point, Stacey remembers that she has another babysitting charge and goes downstairs to find Nicky. When he isn't there, she doesn't panic, but 45 minutes later, he still hasn't returned and Claire still has a head full of foam. So Stacey calls Dawn to save her ass.
Dawn has been home alone and hearing all kinds of weird sounds coming from the passage, so she's only too happy to help at the Pike house. Stacey asks her to go look for Nicky, so she once again wanders the neighborhood, shouting and looking up trees. At the edge of her own property, he suddenly appears, looking dusty and smelling of a vaguely familiar odor. When Dawn asks where he's been, he blows some gum bubbles and scratches at a scab on his knee, but doesn't answer. She offers to take him home and he slips his hand into hers. Awwww...only she mentions that it's dirty, sticky, and wet. Eww x about 1,000.
Nicky arrives home to find Vanessa in a bad mood. Knowing she's in trouble herself, she calls for Nicky's blood. Before Stacey can say anything, Nicky accuses her of being jealous of his dog friend who saves people from avalanches. He and Vanessa then argue over the existence of his amazing dog friend until Stacey tells them both to stfu.
Chapter Thirteen
When Dawn gets home, she doesn't hear any more sounds from the passage, so she decides to explore it again. The dog book is gone, but a crust of bread has turned up. I knew Jared Mullray was a slob. She also finds a key, smaller and older than the other one, shoved into a corner at the bottom of the stairs. Was that Jared's back-up escape key, which he also never had a chance to use?
She once again hears moaning late one night during a storm and decides to sleep on the couch again. I'm tellin' ya, man, it's the wind blowing around that trap door in the barn.
A few days later, she finds herself sitting for the Pikes again. Mrs. Pike has to take Claire for a haircut, thanks to the after-effects of Callidew's Perfection Shampoo (Concentrated). Mallory helps Dawn watch Nicky and the triplets.
This afternoon, she finds them playing basketball together--the triplets against Nicky. Kids are such little assholes. Mallory suggests they have a smorgasbord for lunch. Dawn isn't sure what it is, but Mallory explains that you just take everything out of the fridge, put it on the table, and let them get whatever the hell they want. Wouldn't it just be easier to leave it in the fridge and let them get whatever the hell they want?
When they call the boys in for lunch, Nicky is quite excited to see that they'll be having a schmurgerbeard. "One of the triplets" corrects him, calling him stupid, and Dawn says, "Don't call your brother stupid," which everyone ignores. She ignores the fact that everyone's ignoring her. Right. Good plan.
Dawn finds Jordan at the stove, turning up the flame under a frying pan. I assume this means he is normally allowed to do this, and I love that he apparently doesn't know how to fold his own laundry, but can play with fire. When Dawn stops him to ask what he wants, he requests fried baloney. Byron wants fried peanut butter and jelly. Adam wants a fried egg. Nicky wants fried barf.
"Ha ha, so funny I forgot to laugh," Jordan says. It's okay to hit him with the frying pan now, Dawn. Adam then gets Nicky to point at his head and say Mark Twain's initials, and the triplets all get a big kick out of this, one of the stupidest jokes ever. I remember my older brother trying it on me and me not playing along, so it ended with him holding me down while pointing to my head and shouting, "M.T.! M.T.!" over and over.
No wonder I hate kids.
When Nicky gets wise to the joke, he says, "Ha ha, so funny I forgot to laugh," but the triplets ignore him.
The rest of the meal is quiet, with Nicky keeping to himself, poor kid. As he gets up to leave, Adam offers him half a cupcake. Nicky is flattered, but I'm thinking...it's a schmurgerbeard. Couldn't he have just grabbed one for himself? Nicky tries to sit back down, but crashes to the ground, because Adam has pulled the chair out from behind him. The triplets laugh until they cry and poor Nicky runs out without a word. Please come back in with a gun and kill them. Please.
Dawn lays down the law and tells the triplets they're going to help Mallory clean the living room and kitchen while she looks for Nicky, and that their mom's going to hear about this and any other shit they pull today. Then she feels bad about it. What?! Puh-lease don't tell me you're conscious-stricken over calling out a group of bullies.
Since she has a theory to test out, Dawn doesn't bother shouting for Nicky, just goes straight to her own barn and finds, as she expected, the bale of hay over the trap door pushed aside. She climbs down, calling for Nicky, then goes back to the house for a flashlight when she doesn't get a response. As she climbs down again, she calls out some more, but all she hears is heavy breathing. She shines the light around and sees nothing and starts to worry that it's not Nicky after all, but Jared. Why would a ghost have to move the bale of hay and open the trap door? She's so scared that she climbs back into the barn and just sits there, internally panicking, considering calling the police. I like to imagine that call. "Yeah, um, I think there's a ghost in my barn?"
She finally dcides to go for it and climbs back down, shouting that she's coming after whoever's there. She hears footsteps running and follows them.
Chapter Fourteen
She hears the footsteps thumping up the stairs and keeps following them. She turns the corner and sees someone crouched in the corner. It's Jared, and he kills her.
Actually, it's just Nicky. Dawn shows him how the passage opens into her room and invites him in. She notes that he's very dirty, with dust on his clothes, chocolate cake smashed on one arm, and tears streaking his cheeks--all while sitting on her white bedspread. "But I didn't care." The hell you don't, Dawn, or you wouldn't have said anything.
Nicky tells of how he found the trap door while looking for a quiet place to read Amazing Dog Tales, hid a flashlight in some hay, and kept coming back. And sometimes he brought his coin collection with him. Okay. And another time, the ice cream truck came by outside and he bought a Fancy Old-Fashioned Ice Cream Parlour Cone that cost a whole dollar. First of all, any Nutty Buddy has those cones, and secondly, the only thing that would have cost a dollar on the ice cream truck at that time were those big-ass ice cream sandwiches made between two chocolate chip cookies. I remember this well.
Nicky confesses that he was also confused when some of the old things down there, like the key and the buckle, disappeared. Dawn explains that she took them, then asks about the really old key she found the day before. Nicky isn't sure what she's talking about. Then Dawn asks him if he was ever in the passage at night, which he rightfully feels is a crazy question. So Dawn isn't really set at ease at all.
The go back to the Pike house and find Dee already home, wondering where the hell Dawn is. They have a Talk and it's decided that Nicky can keep going to the passage, as long as he tells someone where he's going first. In just a few short years, he will surely be drilling small holes in the wall to watch Dawn undress. And Mary Anne, I guess. Maybe even Dawn Mom. I alway sort of pictured her like Ferris Bueller's mom, but I could be wrong, she might be a MILF. For now, Nicky's all innocent smiles and, "You're the best baby-sitter ever!" and Dawn's heart swells five times larger.
Chapter Fifteen
The BSC are having a sleepover at Dawn's house. They're settling down for a long night of movie-watcing.
Kristy: Ghostbusters
Claudia: Star Wars
Stacey: Mary Poppins
Mary Anne: Sixteen Candles
Dawn: The Parent Trap
The only person I can even begin to agree with here is Kristy. By the way, just want to point out how unsophisticated Stacey's choice is, Ms. New York. Really, shouldn't she be rooting for Annie Hall or Stardust Memories? They draw straws and the winners are Ghostbusters and Sixteen Candles.
"Mary Anne was jubilant. She'd brought two copies of Sixteen magazine with her, and there was an article about Cam Geary, the love of her life, in it. Cam Geary and Sixteen Candles created a really prime evening for Mary Anne." Might have to give her some time alone with the mags, guys.
When the Stay-Puft Marshmallow man bursts, Kristy pauses the movie and calls for s'mores. Dawn is appalled that Kristy would even suggest the Schaefers might have junk food like that in their household, but Kristy and Claudia sneak off and return with the s'mores makings and assorted other junk food. And crackers. You know. For Stacey and Dawn. Who are currently in the household of a health nut. Dawn's all, "Where'd you guys get all this stuff?" I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest that it was purchased at the store. Kristy confirms this.
Kristy pauses the movie and tells the troops to make the s'mores quickly, before the movie comes back on. I am absolutely amused by this, remembering my old VCR that would unpause itself after five minutes (and how much this annoyed me, because our older VCR from the mid-80's didn't do that). Kristy, MA, and Claudia dash for the kitchen and Dawn's all, "Boy. Just 'cause we don't stuff our faces with garbage like a bunch of pigs." Shut the fuck up, Dawn. What did they do, exactly, other than leave you and Stacey alone with your thoughts for two minutes? Stacey's all, "Whatevs, they're the ones who're going to end up with pimples," which is a load of shit, as Claudia's perfect complexion showcases.
It's okay, though, Dawn has a plan to "get back at" the others. For fucking WHAT?! Dawn mentions the secret passage, then leans over to whisper to Stacey, which is like, why? You said that other stuff in a normal voice, so if they were going to hear you, they already did. Truth is, they probably don't care, they're making s'mores. I'd be focused on that shit, too.
As soon as the movie's over, MA dives for the remote, all because they're going to watch Sixteen Candles, which, by the way, is probably my least favorite John Hughes film, but I guess I should just be glad they're not arguing over whether to watch Ben-Hur or Lawrence of Arabia. Dawn Geary-blocks Mary Anne by suggesting they wait until 1 or 2 A.M. to watch it, an idea Kristy is enthusiastic about. Dawn notes that Mary Anne looks disappointed, but doesn't want to argue with everyone else, so says nothing. Dawn, you are a bitch and a half for preying on your bff's confidence issues like that. Fuck you, Dawn. Fuck you.
Dawn lures everyone upstairs with make-over promises, then she and Stacey do the "Boy, I'm soooooo thirsty, better get some soda" routine. Claudia is skeptical that Dawn actually has soda. "Do you mean Perrier or sparkling, saltless mineral water from an artesian well or something?" If you were that worried about it, Claudia, why didn't you bring your own soda? But! Now I'd like to take a moment to point out that Dawn's so insulted when Claudia asks if they soda when she was just clutching her pearls over the suggestion that she'd have the makings for s'mores in her kitchen.
Stacey and Dawn head out to the barn and Dawn shows her the passage. Once they're close enough to hear their friends' voices through the wall, they start rapping on the walls and moaning. Mary Anne pretty much shits herself shouting about haunted secret passages, confusing everyone. Dawn and Stace keep it up until they hear lots of screaming and crashing in the room. They finally open the secret passage and find stuff knocked over left and right and Claud, MA, and Kristy huddled on the bed.
Stacey and Dawn laugh at their friends' expense until tears run down their faces. Dawn explains about the passage, Nicky, Jared, the nickel. She doesn't mention the nighttime noises or the mysterious little key. Claudia begs her for a tour, but as she's reaching for the door, they hear more rapping from inside. As it's nearly 1 A.M., Dawn rules out Nicky, fastens the lock on her wall, and has her friends drag their sleeping bags to the living room for the night.
The next morning, the girls wake up to the smell of eggs and toast (Egg Beaters and whole wheat toast, no doubt) and think about all the fun things with which to fill the last few days of their summer vacation. In the middle of mall trips, cookouts, and gossip-fests, someone suggests playing tennis. What? Dawn thinks about how with friends like these, she doesn't have time to worry about crazy, two hundred-year-old men named Jared Mullray! That thought won't keep you warm in the middle of the night when you're alone in the dark and you hear more creaking and moaning, Dawn.
This was my first snark, and I had a lot of fun doing it. Thanks for reading.