Super Special #9: Starring The Baby-sitters Club! Prologue/Chapter 1
I've been hanging out for this book to get snarked, and now that there is this awesome community where we can do it ourselves, I thought I'd have a go at snarking this shit extravaganza myself. Dunno if it'll be as good as some of the awesome snark out there, but this book pretty much snarks itself. Seriously, this book is like a compendium of every annoying BSC characteristic in existence. Dawn and her soapbox? Check. Jessi feeling sorry for herself? Check. Mallory being dibbly stale in the maturity department? Check. Karen being a spoilt brat? Check. Yup, this is a good one.
This was originally going to be broken up into three parts, but stupid, dibbly stale Live Journal ate what I typed up for the first part and I don't have time to retype it, so I'm going to do one or two chapters at a time.
Basic plot: SMS is putting on a play...I mean, a "musical extravaganza". Of course all the BSC are involved in it in some way. And because these bitches can't do without half the neighbourhood's kids in tow (I swear to God, in a few years all the kids are going to get invited to a "Happy Unvirginity, Stacey!" party following a Safe Sex fair. But then again, at the rate they're going it'll be another 50 years by the time the BSC reach the age of consent, so we'll snark that bridge when we come to it.) Anyway, of course there are kids in the play musical extravaganza.
Ack, the only cover I can find online is teensy. Guess it's time to install my new scanner/printer that's been lying around my apartment for half the week.
OK, my computer has inducted my scanner/printer into the Kakeochi_umai's Computer Club. Not, of course, without reading the CD that came with it to check when its bedtime is and whether it knows the difference between creeping and crawling and the correct procedure for removing a tourniquet. It seemed to pass its test with flying colours though, because before long it got to put its USB plug on the Club Notebook and vow never to be late to a meeting, forget to pay its dues or associate with any piece of equipment belonging to a different computer (unless said equipment was under the age of ten, in which case it would maintain a creepily close relationship with it and invite it to all its birthday, going-away, unvirginity etc parties) and it is now a fully fledged club member! So without further ado, I bring you this purty little cover!
...Ack, my scanner and computer aren't talking to each other atm. But I promise I'll have the cover either later on today or in my next instalment.
ETA: I got my scanner working, but it came out grainy even when I changed the resolution, so I decided to just take a photo and upload it instead. Voila, cover!
Mallory looks middle-aged. I'm guessing that the one with her hands up by Dawn's head is Mary Anne, but at first I thought it was Claudia because her face looks vaguely Asian. What's she doing, anyway? Maybe she's holding up a knife, ready to stab Dawn in the head? I know I'd want to if I had to live with her. Speaking of Claudia, does she ever not have a side ponytail? Logan. Oh, Logan. Come out already, you're not fooling anybody. And Karen just looks plain freaky. Seriously, that is a middle-aged woman's head on a little kid's body. XD
So as a little spoiler, this is what they all do:
Kristy: Peter Pan
Dawn: Wendy
Stacey: Mrs Darling
Kristy's brother (and Stacey's new boyfriend) Sam: Mr Darling
Jessi: Assistant choreographer and Nana and the crocodile
Claudia: Set Designer
Mallory: Apprentice Costume Designer
Mary Anne: Backstage Babysitter
Logan: Noodler, one of the pirates
Cokie (the Plastic who keeps trying to steal Logan): Tiger Lily
Alan Gray (the guy who has the hots for Kristy and keeps pranking her and generally annoying her): Mr Smee
Notice that despite the fact that the play musical extravaganza is open to the high school students too, most of the main parts go to the BSC and various other main characters. The only high schooler who gets a major role is Lucas Danver, apparently the hawtest guy at the high school, who plays Captain Hook. I'm not sure whether that's because most high schoolers wouldn't be caught dead at a middle school play (even if it is a musical extravaganza) or whether it's just because the BSC are, as this fic puts it, canon Mary-Sues. Either way, I think we should watch for scenarios like this and tag them. This person here refers to it as Saved By The Bell syndrome (I've never seen Saved By the Bell, but by the sounds of things, the way so many events and activities in the Sweet Valley books that were supposedly for the "whole" school or community consisted mainly of the main characters - whether or not they would logically interact with each other in reality - reminded her of that show, so Saved By The Bell syndrome it became) so because I am totally unoriginal for the sake of continuity I propose that we call it that on here too.
So now today's chapter: the prologue. You know the crap density of a BSC book is going to be high when they manage to have an "I'm black" wangst in the first paragraph. And then on the second page we're treated to the crap French accent ANM and her ghosties give Madame Noelle: "Work hard and zen harder, and someday I sink you weel donce wiss a major ballet company." (Mme Noelle speaks with a French accent, in case you couldn't tell.) Really? I had no idea!
Jessi, it seems, as well as being the most talented dancer in Connecticut, the best synchronised swimmer at SMS (after a couple of lessons), and becoming practically fluent in Spanish during a week-long vacation in Mexico (God, I love it when people go around announcing that they're fluent in a language after learning it for a short time, especially Japanese, where I can tell that they're actually saying "I go to car in a school" or translating a perfectly innocuous song lyric about the sunset outside as "Dying the cow's butt dark red".) Anyway, it seems that our little Sue genius has another talent: She is the best journalist in the 6th grade on her first try. (What about Mallory? I would have thought that'd be more up her alley.) The school paper wants one person from each grade to write an article once a month on the various school events and activities that are never mentioned again, and Jessi tries out and is chosen. The point of this particular plot point that is never mentioned again, except for briefly at the end of the book, is that she decides to write about the school play musical extravaganza, and gets all the BSC to write diaries about it, as per all the other super specials.
Jessi is fucking hilarious in these two chapters. Even at that early stage I felt bad for the kids who were going to audition for the role of Peter Pan and lose out, but I tried not to worry about them. Maybe they would even make a good angle for the article. Coping with disappointment and that sort of thing. Good to see that all Jessi-Sue's talents aren't going to her head.
After school, Jessi meets up with Mallory. Apparently Mallory gets cold easily. Immediately, Mal started stamping her feet and hugging herself. And she wonders why people call her Spaz Girl. Apparently it's 45 degrees - what is 45 degrees? *checks* 7˚C. Not exactly warm, but not super-freezing either. And it's not like SMS has a uniform, so why doesn't she, I don't know, bring a coat to school? Or can she not afford one?
They join the BSC and all start talking excitedly about the play musical extravaganza. More Jessi hilarity:
"I could cover the play from start to finish. As an insider."
..."Like an on-the-spot reporter?" suggested Mal.
"Exactly!" I exclaimed. Sometimes I think Mal can read my mind. "I'll be perfect for the job. Who's more on-the-spot than Peter Pan, after all?" (My friends were staring at me.) Before they could jump down my throat, I said, "I know, I know - playing Peter Pan and writing an article at the same time will be a lot of work, but I think I can handle it."
Mary Anne and Kristy are like "Huh? I thought they hadn't had the auditions yet?" and Jessi says "Oh, well, it isn't official. But who else would get that part? I'm a dancer, I have plenty of stage experience, and Peter Pan is usually played by a woman."
Mary Anne, who is "the most sensitive, tactful person I have ever met" (I guess it does take sensitivity and tact not to laugh her ass off), is all, "They might give the main parts to the older kids", and Jessi insists that she will pwn all the older kids. Hahahaha! *points to spoiler* Poor Jessi.
The other members head to Claudia's place for the meeting, but Jessi has spotted the editor of the paper and wants to flag her down and tell her about her brilliant idea. Emily, after taking a moment to remember that Jessi is a dibbly talented dancer (hee!), OKs it, and Jessi heads over to Claudia's place, planning to get all the other members to keep diaries about the play - I mean, musical extravaganza.
This was originally going to be broken up into three parts, but stupid, dibbly stale Live Journal ate what I typed up for the first part and I don't have time to retype it, so I'm going to do one or two chapters at a time.
Basic plot: SMS is putting on a play...I mean, a "musical extravaganza". Of course all the BSC are involved in it in some way. And because these bitches can't do without half the neighbourhood's kids in tow (I swear to God, in a few years all the kids are going to get invited to a "Happy Unvirginity, Stacey!" party following a Safe Sex fair. But then again, at the rate they're going it'll be another 50 years by the time the BSC reach the age of consent, so we'll snark that bridge when we come to it.) Anyway, of course there are kids in the play musical extravaganza.
Ack, the only cover I can find online is teensy. Guess it's time to install my new scanner/printer that's been lying around my apartment for half the week.
OK, my computer has inducted my scanner/printer into the Kakeochi_umai's Computer Club. Not, of course, without reading the CD that came with it to check when its bedtime is and whether it knows the difference between creeping and crawling and the correct procedure for removing a tourniquet. It seemed to pass its test with flying colours though, because before long it got to put its USB plug on the Club Notebook and vow never to be late to a meeting, forget to pay its dues or associate with any piece of equipment belonging to a different computer (unless said equipment was under the age of ten, in which case it would maintain a creepily close relationship with it and invite it to all its birthday, going-away, unvirginity etc parties) and it is now a fully fledged club member! So without further ado, I bring you this purty little cover!
...Ack, my scanner and computer aren't talking to each other atm. But I promise I'll have the cover either later on today or in my next instalment.
ETA: I got my scanner working, but it came out grainy even when I changed the resolution, so I decided to just take a photo and upload it instead. Voila, cover!
Mallory looks middle-aged. I'm guessing that the one with her hands up by Dawn's head is Mary Anne, but at first I thought it was Claudia because her face looks vaguely Asian. What's she doing, anyway? Maybe she's holding up a knife, ready to stab Dawn in the head? I know I'd want to if I had to live with her. Speaking of Claudia, does she ever not have a side ponytail? Logan. Oh, Logan. Come out already, you're not fooling anybody. And Karen just looks plain freaky. Seriously, that is a middle-aged woman's head on a little kid's body. XD
So as a little spoiler, this is what they all do:
Kristy: Peter Pan
Dawn: Wendy
Stacey: Mrs Darling
Kristy's brother (and Stacey's new boyfriend) Sam: Mr Darling
Jessi: Assistant choreographer and Nana and the crocodile
Claudia: Set Designer
Mallory: Apprentice Costume Designer
Mary Anne: Backstage Babysitter
Logan: Noodler, one of the pirates
Cokie (the Plastic who keeps trying to steal Logan): Tiger Lily
Alan Gray (the guy who has the hots for Kristy and keeps pranking her and generally annoying her): Mr Smee
Notice that despite the fact that the play musical extravaganza is open to the high school students too, most of the main parts go to the BSC and various other main characters. The only high schooler who gets a major role is Lucas Danver, apparently the hawtest guy at the high school, who plays Captain Hook. I'm not sure whether that's because most high schoolers wouldn't be caught dead at a middle school play (even if it is a musical extravaganza) or whether it's just because the BSC are, as this fic puts it, canon Mary-Sues. Either way, I think we should watch for scenarios like this and tag them. This person here refers to it as Saved By The Bell syndrome (I've never seen Saved By the Bell, but by the sounds of things, the way so many events and activities in the Sweet Valley books that were supposedly for the "whole" school or community consisted mainly of the main characters - whether or not they would logically interact with each other in reality - reminded her of that show, so Saved By The Bell syndrome it became) so because I am totally unoriginal for the sake of continuity I propose that we call it that on here too.
So now today's chapter: the prologue. You know the crap density of a BSC book is going to be high when they manage to have an "I'm black" wangst in the first paragraph. And then on the second page we're treated to the crap French accent ANM and her ghosties give Madame Noelle: "Work hard and zen harder, and someday I sink you weel donce wiss a major ballet company." (Mme Noelle speaks with a French accent, in case you couldn't tell.) Really? I had no idea!
Jessi, it seems, as well as being the most talented dancer in Connecticut, the best synchronised swimmer at SMS (after a couple of lessons), and becoming practically fluent in Spanish during a week-long vacation in Mexico (God, I love it when people go around announcing that they're fluent in a language after learning it for a short time, especially Japanese, where I can tell that they're actually saying "I go to car in a school" or translating a perfectly innocuous song lyric about the sunset outside as "Dying the cow's butt dark red".) Anyway, it seems that our little Sue genius has another talent: She is the best journalist in the 6th grade on her first try. (What about Mallory? I would have thought that'd be more up her alley.) The school paper wants one person from each grade to write an article once a month on the various school events and activities that are never mentioned again, and Jessi tries out and is chosen. The point of this particular plot point that is never mentioned again, except for briefly at the end of the book, is that she decides to write about the school play musical extravaganza, and gets all the BSC to write diaries about it, as per all the other super specials.
Jessi is fucking hilarious in these two chapters. Even at that early stage I felt bad for the kids who were going to audition for the role of Peter Pan and lose out, but I tried not to worry about them. Maybe they would even make a good angle for the article. Coping with disappointment and that sort of thing. Good to see that all Jessi-Sue's talents aren't going to her head.
After school, Jessi meets up with Mallory. Apparently Mallory gets cold easily. Immediately, Mal started stamping her feet and hugging herself. And she wonders why people call her Spaz Girl. Apparently it's 45 degrees - what is 45 degrees? *checks* 7˚C. Not exactly warm, but not super-freezing either. And it's not like SMS has a uniform, so why doesn't she, I don't know, bring a coat to school? Or can she not afford one?
They join the BSC and all start talking excitedly about the play musical extravaganza. More Jessi hilarity:
"I could cover the play from start to finish. As an insider."
..."Like an on-the-spot reporter?" suggested Mal.
"Exactly!" I exclaimed. Sometimes I think Mal can read my mind. "I'll be perfect for the job. Who's more on-the-spot than Peter Pan, after all?" (My friends were staring at me.) Before they could jump down my throat, I said, "I know, I know - playing Peter Pan and writing an article at the same time will be a lot of work, but I think I can handle it."
Mary Anne and Kristy are like "Huh? I thought they hadn't had the auditions yet?" and Jessi says "Oh, well, it isn't official. But who else would get that part? I'm a dancer, I have plenty of stage experience, and Peter Pan is usually played by a woman."
Mary Anne, who is "the most sensitive, tactful person I have ever met" (I guess it does take sensitivity and tact not to laugh her ass off), is all, "They might give the main parts to the older kids", and Jessi insists that she will pwn all the older kids. Hahahaha! *points to spoiler* Poor Jessi.
The other members head to Claudia's place for the meeting, but Jessi has spotted the editor of the paper and wants to flag her down and tell her about her brilliant idea. Emily, after taking a moment to remember that Jessi is a dibbly talented dancer (hee!), OKs it, and Jessi heads over to Claudia's place, planning to get all the other members to keep diaries about the play - I mean, musical extravaganza.