BSC #58: Stacey's Choice
In this classic piece of literature, Stacey McGill has a choice. Kinda like Sophie, except not at all like Sophie. Prepare for teh divorce angst.
This cover is one of my favourites, with all the girls hanging out at the local soda shoppe, having a ball. Plus, Dawn's a total fox, and I had a jumper like hers way back when. The only gripe I actually have with the cover is that Stacey looks like a camel, and is completely indistinguishable from Dawn. (Besides the camel-face.) I only know it's Stacey because that's the picture they used in the newer books when they had their individual pics on the side of the cover.
Also, there's no ghostwriter mentioned, but since this book is dedicated to someone called Mimi, I'm gonna guess that it's actually Claudia. (And a spellchecker.)
It's autumn in Stoneybrook. Stacey and Mallory are walking down the road, talking about the seasons. Actually, Stacey's talking. Mostly about New York. (Shocker.) When Mal dares to add to the conversation, Stacey tells us, "Mal added knowledgeably, even though she has been to New York, like, three times." Well now, that was uncalled for. Stacey gets bored with Mal and starts telling us about her wonderful life that's oh so rife with drama. Her wording. She says, "I just love that phrase! I read it in a book," and I call bullshit because I'm pretty sure Stacey is borderline illiterate. It's why she and Claud get along so well.
Stacey goes home to see her mother looking frazzled. Things have been tough for the Stoneybrook McGills since Maureen lost her job. Stacey's like, "Whatever," and then tells us about her diabeetus. Jeez, Stacey has a short attention span today. She mentions that she's a brittle diabetic, which I don't think I ever knew. (It's the reason they give for her being all "Sugar is the enemy!") I also didn't know that Maureen was such good friends with Mallory's mother, but apparently she is. She calls her Dee, even though Stacey helpfully assures us that it's not actually her real name. (What is her real name?) Stacey goes on another tangent about how Sam Thomas is her new "friend who's a boy." They're not like official boyfriend/girlfriend or anything, but they go out on dates sometimes. I think that's pretty cute for some reason.
The phone rings, and it's Stacey's dad. He's just gotten a big huge promotion at work, and is so super-dooper excited about it, he feels the need to call up and rub it in poor jobless Maureen's face. That's some nice work there, Mr. Sensitive. No wonder she divorced your ass. Ed invites Stace to some big fancy dinner the company's throwing in his honour, and starts talking about all the wonderful New Yorky things they'll do together while they're there. (Tavern on the Green, Broadway show, shopping.) Because he lives in New York, remember? Like you could forget.
Stacey goes over to Mal's to help sit for her siblings. They're ordering stuff from magazines, which doesn't really seem like a suitable activity for a working-class family of ten to be doing, especially since they're ordering things like baby-bottle liners and a bust-developer. Yeah, you read right. A bust-developer. I have a feeling the mystery ghostwriter is Judy Blume. Stacey and Mal actually let them do whatever they want until Dee (I feel like I can call her that, because we'd be friends) gets back, and then they laugh about it on the way to the BSC meeting.
Oh hey, it's the second chapter already, and we meet the baby-sitters and all their character traits again. Stacey does mention that, in relation to the whole Claudia junk-food thing, she isn't particularly thin. We've always known that Claudia isn't fat, but I've never heard her being described as "not thin," either. Claudia is...dare I say it...human? The rest, however, are not. Kristy actually gets three full pages of exposition about how much of a robot she is. But she's Sam's sister, so she's okay by Stacey. (This week.)
When everyone's arrived, Mal brings up the stupid mail-order story from before, and Dawn tells them all how she once ordered cassettes (hee!) from a magazine without realising that she had actually joined a cassette club that kept mailing her shit she didn't want, and "finally I had to ask Dad to help me get out of the club." Which, as I remember it, is pretty much the only way you can get out of the BSC as well. (Or if you hang out with Bad Girls and have mono.) Because Mal has obviously forgotten her place at the bottom of the food chain, Stacey interrupts her story and tells the girls about the company dinner she has to go to in New York. They offer to take her shopping for an outfit, and then to the new cafe, which is actually the Rosebud. Ooh, it's the origins of the Road Spud! Awesome! That must be where they are on the cover. Oh, but Mal and Jessi can't come on Saturday, as dance classes and being a nerd get in the way as per usual.
Stacey, Dawn and MA all go to Bellairs, where they meet Kristy, who is standing out the front "reading a copy of Sports Illustrated." Heh. I'll bet it's the swimsuit edition. Claud arrives next and they go shopping at some place called Zingy's, and then they go for eats at the Rosebud Cafe. Which is actually described to match the cover art, so pat on the back for you, Hodges. When Stacey goes home, her mother is napping, so Stacey actually wakes her up to show her the new outfit. Maureen, if I were you, I'd just pack my bags in the middle of the night and leave these fuckers already. Maybe take Dee Pike with you and have Thelma and Louise-style adventures all day.
Next we have a babysitting chapter, where Dawn is sitting for the Barretts. Stacey gushes about how great Dawn is for the Barretts because she's a child of teh divorce and they're all children of teh divorced and it's all one big divorce party at the Barrett house when Dawn comes to town. Turns out that the Barretts aren't even thinking about teh divorce today, because they've caught the mail-ordering bug. Damn those Pike brats. Except that the only magazines they have around the house are women's magazines about housekeeping and all that. Then the Braddocks come over, as do Nicky and Vanessa Pike, and I'm counting more than five kids here. Shouldn't there be BSC reinforcements or something? Vanessa brags about how her freckle-remover came in the mail already. Heh. Between that and the bust-developer, I'm foreseeing some self-esteem issues in your future, Vaness.
At school, Stacey is in the middle of an important math test when she gets called to the office via the PA system. Mr. Zizmore's like, "But Stacey's doing her test," and whoever's on the other end of the PA system tells him that it's important and she needs to leave now. But...how can they hear him? Mr. Z and the PA system are having a conversation, and I'm left believing that the ghostie only has a basic knowledge of how a PA system works. Stacey goes to the office to find out that her poor exhausted mother collapsed during a job interview. Mrs. Pike is on her way to pick Stacey up so she can take her to the hospital. Oh, Dee, you're so sweet. If it weren't for the fact that you spawned all those damn Pikes, you'd so be my favourite BSC mother right now.
Sweet Dee (as she will forever be known in my mind) picks up Stacey and takes her to the hospital. She assures Stace that the doctors will help Maureen, and Stacey says that doctors aren't magic. Which sure sounds like a whole lotta ungrateful coming from the Diabeetus Queen of the Western World. They get to the hospital, and Stacey pesters her mother some more. I know she's worried, but rambling about whether or not Maureen had a flu shot probably isn't helping any. She worries that her mother might have leukaemia, which is an oddly specific avenue of worry to go down, but okay. The good news is, Maureen doesn't have to stay in hospital because she only has pneumonia, and Stacey asks them what the bad news is. Maureen's like, "Uh, that I have friggin' pneumonia, Stacey." Sweet Dee drives them home, and then goes to get Maureen's prescriptions filled. I seriously love her. The next time I read a Mallory book where she complains about her parents, I'm mentally punching her right in her nerdy freckled face.
Stacey actually does a relatively good job taking care of her mother that night, would you believe. She makes her some soup, she wakes her up for pills, the whole shebang. I shouldn't be so surprised, but it's Stacey we're talking about here, you know? She even decides to take the next day off school, even though Maureen assures her that Sweet Dee will come round to check up on her. Because Sweet Dee is the motherflipping bomb, and you know it. Stacey makes her some breakfast and then brings up a Very Important Issue...what about her super-fabulous New York weekend? Aw, jeez, Stacey. Just when I was standing up for you and everything. You're embarrassing us both now.
Stacey calls her dad and tells him that mommy dearest has caught her death and Stacey's busy taking care of her. Ed's all concerned and whatnot, but then he perks up when he remembers that Stacey's coming with him to his all-important dinner on Friday. Again, really considerate, Ed. Did you take classes on how to be an insensitive douchenozzle, or is it genetic? Stacey thinks how she really ought to write a Divorce Handbook (her capital letters, not mine) to help her out of sticky situations that arise because of teh divorce.
Mrs. Pike comes over, as promised, to check on Maureen. She asks Stacey why she's not at school, and Stacey gets all bitchy and is like, "Where the fuck else would I be?" Sweet Dee calmly reminds Stacey that pneumonia is kind-of gnarly, and her mother will probably be sick for a while, so Stacey goes about calling everyone she knows to help them babysit her mother. She even makes a chart. A chart.
The next chapter begins with Mrs. Arnold coming over to babysit Maureen. That's really the only thing I can call it. As stupid as that sounds, it gets weirder. She's also enlisted the help of Mrs. Braddock, Mrs. Barrett and Mrs. Prezzioso. For one day. Because they have nothing better to do with their time than to sit around making sure Maureen takes her pills. It's really lame. I get that pneumonia is no picnic, but this can't be necessary. If Maureen was really incapable of getting better by herself, wouldn't those non-magic doctors have kept her in hospital or something?
BSC meeting time! Stacey can put in an appearance because Sweet Dee is covering Maureen Watch '92 for her. The girls all giggle some more about the stupid mail-ordering subplot. Apparently the kids are starting to get some of their purchases now, and Mallory actually makes me laugh by saying, "Nicky got a glass marble and a pamphlet about colleges in Minnesota." Then Kristy makes me laugh out loud by wishing that Vanessa's bust-developer would arrive soon, as she looks at her own under-developed chest. Methinks she ought to stop reading Sports Illustrated. She seems to be coming down with a bad case of boob-envy. Dawn asks Stacey what she's going to do about this weekend, and Stacey thinks that she's going to let Dawn be co-author of her Divorce Handbook. Wow, so much love for Dawn in this book. Must be because she's looking so hot on the cover.
Kristy tells Stacey to remember that she's the kid and Maureen's the mother, and Jessi has the gall to pipe up and remind Stace that she made a promise to her dad to be there on his big night. Stacey's like, "Did I say you could talk, bitch?" and Jessi's like, "Nossuh, Miss Scah-lett," and shuts right up. Jeepers, Stacey. Your rage blackouts are getting worse. The girls take a vote for some reason, and it's tied at three-three. (I guess Jessi's kind don't have the vote yet.)
Even though Stacey's already taken out her frustration on the town's token black kid, she's not done yet. She calls up her dad and tells him that she can't go to the dinner with him, and when he sadly tells her that there's no one else he can go with, she says, "Maybe if you weren't such a workaholic, there'd be something more in your life." Because when your poor, lonely father makes an impassioned plea for you to come to a function with him because you're all he has in this world, this is a perfectly acceptable response. Stacey, I hope you catch Maureen's pneumonia, and it teams up with your diabeetus and frickin' eats you.
More babysitting. Mary Anne sits for the Kuhns, and they're all excited about their mail-order purchases. Lawd. This subplot had better be going somewhere. Apparently Laurel bought mood lipstick that changes colour with your mood, which I actually think is a pretty cool thing to have. Buddy Barrett and Nicky Pike come over, all emo-like because the mailman's late and hasn't brought them any goodies yet. Seriously, this is out of control. How many pints of moondust and stain-remover are these parents going to let their kids order before they shut this shit down already? Haley, Vanessa and Margo come over too, and MA seems to have no problem with all these friggin' orphan kids setting up camp at the Kuhns'. The kids start to have mail-orderers' remorse, because their crap either doesn't work or is completely useless to them. (Like Nicky Pike, who ordered a moustache comb without thinking about his complete lack of moustache.) I mean, what did Jake Kuhn think he was going to do with a pamphlet entitled 'So You're Going To Cater A Wedding' except make me laugh uncontrollably?
Back at the McGill house, it suddenly dawns on Stacey that she can go to her father's dinner and make it back to Stoneybrook in less than 24 hours, which means she'd only have to leave her mother for a little while. Well gee, Stacey, glad you sorted that one out. It really wasn't much of a Stacey's Choice, though, was it? I mean, she didn't really do any choosing. Except when she told Ed to go fuck himself, but he seems to have gotten over that. Stace calls her new BFF Dawn and tells her that she'll have to cover the treasurer duties on Friday. Then they talk about teh divorce, and Stacey admits that she sometimes resents her parents for deciding to call it quits. Dawn has to one-up her and remind her that Sharon moved to the opposite end of the country in her divorce, so woe is Dawn. Woe is everyone whose parents are divorced, I think is the lesson of the book.
That night, Stacey runs herself ragged trying to pack for New York, line up Maureen-sitters and cook dinner. (She burns dinner.) Sweet Dee Pike comes over, and, seeing that Stacey's stressed out to the max, offers to take care of the phone calls so Stacey can pack. Then she lets Stacey do her homework at the Pikes' for a change of scenery. Stacey reluctantly agrees. Yes, reluctantly. No "Gee thanks, Mrs. Pike, you sure are swell." I imagine this random act of kindness was met with a sigh and an, "Oh, fine." Stacey is really being a bitch this book for no apparent reason.
At the Pikes' house, the kids are still pretty excited about all that shit that came in the mail for them. Margo bought a slicer and dicer, which doesn't sound very safe to me, and Claire interrupts Stacey's homework to show her Vanessa's bust-developer. It seems Vanessa's too embarrassed to show it to Stacey herself. Heh. That's cute. This bust-developer thing is so my favourite running joke of the book. Mal gets mad and yells, "WE'RE TRYING TO WORK!" at the top of her lungs, and her siblings promptly ignore her, instead starting a conversation about yo-yos. Apparently they're the in thing. I remember when everyone had to have yo-yos in primary school. I had a pink Spice Girls one, and I can't even begin to tell you how popular it made me. Claire asks Are-You-There-God-It's-Me-Vanessa if her bust-developer works (even though she doesn't know what a bust is), and poor Vaness screams that she doesn't know and then runs upstairs to hide her shame.
After school the next day, Sam comes by SMS and offers to walk Stacey home. Aww! Stacey is flattered because she knows Sam doesn't like being seen at SMS anymore, because he's a mighty high-schooler now. Stacey says she's not actually going home, and then says, "Darn darn darn. Or as Karen Brewer would say, boo. Double boo." No. Bad Stacey. We do not quote Karen Brewer in polite society. Mrs. Pike drives Stacey to the train station (she brought Stacey's suitcase with her like the modern-day superhero she is) and everyone yells goodbye to her from the car, even Claire, who says, "Have fun in Spain!"
The train is delayed and the McGills are late for their dinner, but only by fifteen minutes. Her dad introduces her to "Mr. Davis, the president," and Stacey gets all excited until she realises that it's just the president of the company. Come on, Stacey. Even with your admittedly limited brain functioning ability, surely you know that the president of the United States is not named Davis. When they get down to the actual food part of the dinner, Stacey is shocked that they're serving salad after dinner. That's how the Italians do it, Stacey, and if you're going to take culinary advice from anybody, it really ought the be the Italians. It's jut how we roll. Stacey gives us lots of details about the feast before her, and even mentions that while the rest of the partygoers are eating chocolate mousse, she got "a goblet of fresh fruit, topped with a strawberry." Because...strawberries aren't fruit now? Stacey makes her father leave before the real party commences, which seems selfish, but at this stage, any time Stacey McGill isn't literally bitch-slapping anyone is what I'd consider good enough.
The McGills wake up early so that they can have coffee before Stacey catches her train. Ed finally tells her that he's not happy with the way she made them walk out before dinner was even over, especially considering it was a function in his honour. Plus, during dinner, Stacey kept leaving the table to phone home. Stacey's like, "At least I came, didn't I?" and the two don't really talk for the rest of the visit. Oh, teh divorce. You are but a concept spawned from the very depths of hell. I totally get where Ed's coming from, too. Stacey is literally the only family he has, and he wanted to share this achievement with her. I blame Google for not existing back then -- if it had, Stacey would have been able to educate herself about pneumonia and how if it's not bad enough to warrant hospitalisation, you're probably not gonna die from it.
At the train station, Stacey and Ed talk about hobos. Seriously. Stacey wonders whatever happened to Judy the homeless lady who used to live near their pre-divorce apartment, and then is eventually like, "Dead, probably." Then she talks about what happens to homeless people when they die. Then she actually sees a real-life hobo in the flesh and gives him five dollars. Ed's like, "Stacey, that was nice and all, but can you be a normal freakin' kid for ten minutes please?" Stacey says that she wants to take care of everybody, even though this book proves that she's really not good at taking care of anybody.
Back in Stoneybrook, Mrs. Pike picks her up and Stacey greets her "stiffly." That's Stacey McGill gratitude for you, folks. Sweet Dee deserves so much better. She tells Stacey that there was a mix-up in the Maureen-sitter scheduling. As it happens, Ed hired a private nurse from Stamford to come and look after Maureen while Stacey was in New York, and both Mrs. Kishi and Mrs. Arnold arrived for the same shift anyway. Turns out communication is not Stacey's strong point. Stacey is told that Mary Anne's mother also came by last night, despite the apparent handicap of being dead. Seriously. Mary Anne's mother. The ghostwriter couldn't possibly have meant Sharon Schafer, because surely she'd be known as Dawn's mother, so I call bullshit this time. Fuck this pneumonia game, Maureen; BSC mothers are apparently invincible.
Another babysitting chapter. Mallory sits for the Barretts', who've decided that all their mail-order goodies are in fact junk, and they're going to sell it to unsuspecting neighbourhood folk who will inevitably find their childlike antics cute and actually take out their wallets. Spare me. They've devised a plan to load up their crap in a wagon and sell it door-to-door by singing songs. "Rap songs," Jake reminds them. Mallory's like, "You're going to sell your stuff by singing rap songs?" and I'm incredibly glad that she finds this as retarded as I do. Unfortunately, the big swindle isn't 'til Saturday, so you'll just have to sit through some more Stacey angst before that.
Wait, we're apparently skipping the Stacey angst in favour of the mail-order fiasco. Whoopee. Stacey is sitting for the Braddocks and whoever else feels like stopping by. Seriously, though, don't the BSC have rules about this shit? It doesn't seem fair for Stacey to have to run around town after the Braddocks, the Barretts and the Pikes (and later the Kuhns, the Hobarts and Jamie Newton) while they put on a travelling pantomime in the hope of palming off their crap to somebody else. Buddy is in charge, and he tells the kids to look after their sisters, which I think is cute. He warns them that they're going to be walking really far today, as far as Jessi Ramsey's house. Because she lives in the ghetto, I guess.
Get this: Buddy and Suzi sell their crap back to their own fucking mother. Hells, I would not put up with that shit. Think about it -- your kids spend their allowance (which comes outta your paycheque!) and then, realising that all they bought was rubbish, sell it to you for more money just because they made up a little jingle? Nope. You want to encourage creativity, Mrs. Barrett, you give them a good old-fashioned pat on the back. Not more money. Oh, and Dawn's mother buys the bust-developer. Not Mary Anne's mother, though, who I guess has gone back to being dead.
Stacey goes to the BSC meeting early to hang out with Claudia. Claud says that they've hardly seen each other since Maureen got sick, and Stacey's like, "Yeah, damn my mother's ailing health and my sudden onset of Do-Gooder Syndrome." The rest of the BSC come over, and Kristy keeps grinning at Stacey. Seriously, Kristy, put down the Sports Illustrated. It's warping reality for you. Turns out, Kristy just happens to know what Sam's plans are for Saturday night, and Stacey admits that they're going to see a movie together. The girls ooh and ahh like real thirteen-year-olds, which is fairly nice.
At home, Maureen's feeling mucho better. She's even made a special dinner for Stacey, because she's got news on the Bellair's job front. Apparently Maureen didn't even make it to the Bellair's interview, but somehow she got the job anyway. Yay for her, I guess. Then Stacey has a big revelation about how not choosing between her parents was actually more difficult than it would've been if she'd just made the titular Stacey's Choice. She calls up Claudia and asks her to come over and help make her dad a Fantastic Father award. Because I'm sure a shitty fake award drawn by someone else's kid will make up for the fact that she was a total bitch to him and ruined his big night.
And...uh, that's the end of the book. I guess we'll never learn why Ed hired a nurse for his ex-wife and didn't even tell Stacey about it. I thought that might come up, but apparently not. We'll also never learn why so many people in the neighbourhood were willing to spend all their time and effort watching Maureen sleep her pneumonia away. I mean, Claud's mother had a midnight-to-eight-AM shift, for God's sakes! And Mary Anne's mum literally turned up from beyond the grave! Am I making too much of this? Should I even care? Is it beer o'clock yet? Actually, I can answer that one for you -- a resounding yes. It's always beer o'clock after BSC craziness.