#92 Mallory's Christmas Wish - (Chapters 1-3)
So yeah, I know I said I was going to finish Dawn and the Big Sleepover before I started another snark, but I can't find where I left the damn thing heh. This was supposed to be up before Christmas, but hey - new snark is new snark, right?
In honor of being in the presence of Peter "AUGH!" Lerangis last month at a book signing at the bookstore where I work, I'm doing one of his books. This is also one of my favorite books - John & Dee Plus Eight! Uh, I mean, Mallory's Christmas Wish!
The cover for my book fell off a long time ago (I told you it was a favorite of mine!), but here it is:
Leave it to Mallory to get the cover fabric that's the loudest and most garish of all of them. Hell, even Claudia got some nice paisley. Coupled with the bright green background, this cover looks like the 80s threw up all over it, even though the book was written around 1996. Or at least I think it was, because the title page is missing on mine too.
I do have to say, I don't get why Mallory's always bitching that her parents are oh-so strict and won't let her wear anything dibble or grown-up. Because that is one really mini miniskirt. I don't even think Stacey would wear that. Ok, maybe she would. And show of hands...who used to do the/still does the "sneakers with a skirt" thing? Mallory actually looks really nice here, ugly-colored sweater aside. And I'm assuming the little member of the Pike Army there is Margo, because she looks a little too tall to be Claire. Those are some unfortunate Mom Jeans too.
Thanks to Ann's letter in the back, we learn that the guy in the green jacket is in fact Hodges Soileau, and this is the first time he inserted himself into one of the book covers. So there's the one to direct all your anger towards, whether it be about giving an 11-year-old model-worthy legs, having Dawn without her loooooong white-blonde hair, or making Jessi look like a man in so many freakin covers. Ok, now that that's over with...
Chapter 1:
And right away, we're hit with some ~wonderful~ prose from out favorite red-haired dork. BORING!
It's pretty bad too (and no, I don't feel bad saying that. Mallory agrees with me later on). I'll quote the whole thing because it isn't too long:
It was a cold, snowy night. There was a white circle on the windowpane from the frost. It was the day after Thanksgiving. Inside the old, crumbling house of the Post family, a fire burned. Shivering from the frigidity, the heat was not enough for the seven Post children huddled around. Little did they know that outside in the darkness, a pair of eyes was looking in.
Since Mallory believes that you must always write about what you know (I know she learned her lesson before this book, but bear with me here), two situations are possible here with the so-called "Post" family:
1. Notice there is only seven children inside. The pair of eyes looking in is the eldest Post child, who got locked outside in the snow, away from the fire. Geez, even in her own fiction, Mallory can't catch a break!
2. Seven children inside, a pair of eyes looking in, and a fire burning...STORY!MALLORY IS EXACTING HER REVENGE FOR HAVING TO BE THE FAMILY BABYSITTER/HOUSEKEEPER! OH, THE HUMANITY!
Before Mallory can add more to her gruesome story (which you know ends with the eldest child running off to California with the family life insurance, which she immediately blows on a nose job and some dibblicious sparkly sweatshirts), Margo interrupts her sister's thoughts by asking her what "friddiggity" means. I guess when Lerangis sat down to write this, AMM left him a list of guidelines that included "Make one of the charges mispronounce a word because it's cute when little kids mispronounce things!" *GAG*
Since she's Mom #2 in Chez Pike, Mallory scolds Margo for spying over her shoulder while she was writing. As she's doing this, the rest of the Pike Army lets themselves be heard. That's also part of AMM's list of guidelines: "When introducing the Pikes, have each one come into the picture while Mallory/another BSC member lists them off as another sibling and yet another sibling!"
So while Mallory's complaining about Margo, Claire (who's still going through her silly phase, 84 books later) sings "Frid-diggity-dog!" and "Dig-miggidy-mog!" No more SAT words in your literature, Mallory! Nicky wants to know what's so funny, and Adam responds with "Your face!" Ouch. While the other triplets lollerskate over this, Nicky runs off to tattle. The only one who keeps silent is Vanessa. Whew. Oh wait, Mallory's says she's sitting by the fireplace, writing poetry and trying to think of a word that rhymes with "reindeer." That means we'll have some Vanessa Poetry coming up soon. Nooooo!
Vanessa, here's something that rhymes with "reindeer." Your poetry makes BSC_snark's eyes well up with TEARS! Yes, I'm creative too.
They all head into the kitchen for dinner and Margo announces she wants friddiggity for dessert. Are you sure that it won't make you projectile vomit all over everyone, Margo? Before Mrs. Pike can react, Claire responds, "Dog diggity fridge!" and John "Babymachine" Pike thinks she means Pow's in the fridge. Never turning down an opportunity to scar a sibling for life, Adam yanks open the fridge and acts like Pow's turned into a dogsicle, scaring the pants off of Claire. They're on a collision course with wackiness!
Mallory tells us she lives in a monkey house, and the newest incarnation of her life story will be called FML: The Mallory Pike Story Every Sperm is Sacred: Growing up Pike My Family Used Me as a Nanny! Mallory and the Seven Simian Siblings. And since it isn't a BSC book without a vocabulary lesson, Mallory tells us simian is a great word and it means "of or relating to monkeys." Everyone take a shot!
After introducing herself as the eldest monkey, Mallory apologizes for torturing us with that story before, because it was just a first draft. Did you know she wants to be a writer? Because she does. She dreams of accepting her Newbery Medal one day, with clear blue eyes and perfect teeth and wearing a dibbly fresh, sparkly pink minidress. But she can't do that now, because of her damn braces and glasses. Her parents are really mean and won't let her wear contacts until she's 15, you guys. Honestly Mallory, my friends who wear glasses didn't get contacts until they were around 13-14. The way she carries on, you'd think they were reenacting Richard's treatment of Mary Anne, pre-makeover #1.
Of course, since she's the eldest, her parents are much more lenient with her younger siblings. Honestly, by the time Claire is eleven, she'll have an apartment of her own, a personal butler, and a salary. Well, I agree with her here. As the eldest, my siblings definitely get away with a lot more than I did. And like I always say, Mallory's parents treat her as the family's live-in nanny and housekeeper, and she's always the one to do the Charlie Work around the house.
Charlie Kelly knows exactly how Mallory feels. Life is always hurling garbage cans at both of them.
And what do you know - while the triplets are still laughing at Claire, Margo and Mallory are put to work setting the table. It never ends! While Mallory and Margo do that, Nicky announces that he wants to know why the kitchen reeks. Uh oh...did the thought of a frozen solid Pow make Margo retch? No, Mr. Pike's cooking dinner. Don't worry, he isn't making tater tot casserole Daddy Stew. It's lamb stew, which sounds ok to me, but Byron sounds horrified. I thought he was the fattie triplet who likes to eat!
Lamb stew, lamb stew, start with some herbs, then chop up the ewe. Well, look who just came strolling in! I won't be too harsh, because that one was actually kind of funny, though a little morbid. The only one who reacts is Mallory, until Vanessa tells the younger girls what a ewe is. Great, if Margo hadn't thrown up already, now it's almost guaranteed.
Jordan protests and says they should be eating something Christmasy. So this is, what, the ninth Christmas they've spent in Stoneybrook, frozen at the same ages? Let's do the time warp again!
The Pike Army throws out suggestions for Christmasy food - turkey, goose. Claire wants gingerbread men, and gets corrected by Mallory, who tells her it's gingerbread people. PC in the BSC! Everyone take another shot! Vanessa suggests figgy pudding, and thankfully, Mallory delves into some exposition, so we don't have to endure Vanessa singing We Wish You a Merry Christmas.
Well, guess what. We have Mallory to blame for the Pikes getting all up in the Christmas spirit just days after Thanksgiving. Apparently, they're on the same schedule as the retail sector. Anyway, Mallory says she got an idea the day before (don't tell Kristy! She'll wish she thought of it!), on Black Friday. On the busiest shopping day of the year, Jessi and Mallory were downtown in the thick of it all. Because they're crazy. I don't think they're shopping though, because Mallory says she was pretending to be Jezebel Cassoulet, and Jessi her sister, Daphne. Two French refugees, visiting 19th century England for the first time.
Excuse me...
Sorry. What, did Mallory and Jessi get tired of playing horses? They're shaken from their fantasy by the sounds of the season: Christmas music, kids throwing tantrums, car horns. Mallory notices a sign advertising only four more shopping weeks and she panics. Oh yeah, I'm sure their babysitting money can't stretch far enough for presents (just ask Mary Anne), and that's just Mallory's family alone!
Mallory mopes for about three seconds before she gets her Great Idea. The Pikes could have an old-fashioned Christmas! Make their own gifts! Make their own gift wrap! Use the fireplace! Cook holiday food! What, they weren't planning on cooking Christmas meals for Christmas? And just like Kristy, she gets excited over one of her ideas. Of course, the whole family's game, which brings us back to dinner, with Dee and John explaining to Nicky that they can't make every single meal between now and Christmas festive. Wait...I thought Jordan was the one complaining about the lamb stew. Keep your facts straight, Lerangis!
Nicky's still whining (geez, if not having Christmasy food makes you that upset, you're in for a world of disappointment as you get older, kid...) and wants his parents to at least serve something green and red. If this was Mallory, they'd both laugh in her face. But since it's Nicky, John suggests dying the mashed potatoes. It's like the family wants Margo to throw up on a daily basis! Dee must agree with me, because she opts to serve mint jelly and cranberry sauce instead.
Of course, the only thing the Pike Army can talk about at dinner is their old-fashioned Christmas. Claire wants Bert from Mary Poppins to clean their chimney. Well, since Mallory does everything else in their house, why don't they just wrap her in a giant brush and drop her down there? For some reason, Nicky thinks having a laser light show on the lawn is old-fashioned. Yeah, I never pegged him as the "smart" Pike. Mallory wants to have a big open house on Christmas for the whole neighborhood and Dee immediately shoots that shit down. Geez, Mallory - does EVERY event involving at least one of member of the BSC have to include the entire freakin town? Their graduation from babysitting training, their summer camp's circus performance, the Little Miss Stoneybrook pageant...
Dee explains Christmas is a time to spend with family, and Mallory gets the idea to invite Plot Devic-uh, I mean, Uncle Joe over to celebrate with them. John says he'll call him, and Mallory mentions he lives in Stoneybrook Manor. Plot device foreshadowing!
After dinner, everyone splits up. The triplets head off to make Christmas mix tapes with old vinyls. My mom used to do that for Christmas back in the day. Margo and Dee go knit, and Nicky says he needs privacy and goes down to the basement where everyone can hear him hammering away. MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER! Vanessa and Mallory go back to torturing us writing. Mallory decides the story she wrote is awful. We agree!
As Mallory revises her story (and makes sure to remove "frigidity"), Vanessa starts ruining Christmas: Santa Claus put on his coat and bandaged up his sprained ear; then he jumped into his sled and called out to his reindeer. Sprained ear? What? Mallory's as confused as Claudia on a normal basis as I am, and Vanessa explains Santa has a sprained ear "from listening to too many squeaky little elf voices." That doesn't even make sense! FAIL!
see more Epic Fails
While I'm rolling my eyes at Vanessa, John comes in to tell Mallory that he called Uncle Joe and he mentioned something about the nursing home being wicked busy because they're trying to build a new wing (I think we know what's coming...) and the residents are putting together a holiday boutique as a fundraiser. We all know what this means!
Anyway, Uncle Joe wants to avoid it at all costs, and when John mentioned they would be having a quiet, peaceful time at home with just the family (I wouldn't use the words "quiet" or "peaceful" to ever describe the Pikes, unless someone shot them with a tranquilizer dart), he agreed to come for Christmas. Mallory and Vanessa are thrilled and Mallory concludes the chapter by saying she's so excited that everything's coming together. Christmas the way it should be.
So since she said that, you know something's going to happen to screw it all up.
Chapter 2:
BSC meeting time! We start with Jessi asking everyone what a tizzy is. And, in typical Peter Lerangis fashion, Claudia responds, "Ishashoka," because she's got a mouth full of Milk Duds (eww, I hate Milk Duds). Food-in-mouth dialogue! Everyone take another shot! And really, this Lerangism annoys me the most. Claudia will say something like "awleikoeujeisln" because she's got a mouth full of some kind of junk food and then someone will tell her to swallow (heh, that's what she said) and she repeats what she was trying to say. Happens way too much for my liking.
Stacey orders Claudia to swallow (whoa, that came out sounding wrong) and Claudia does and repeats herself: A tizzy's an old car. That's a Tin Lizzie, corrects Kristy. Everyone keeps discussing this for far too long, except Mary Anne, who sits back and giggles at everyone. Mallory says in-between the SRS BZNS parts of meetings (well, if you asked Kristy, she'd say the entire meeting is SRS BZNS), it's like one big pajama party. Only you know Mallory's the one who wants to go to sleep early and ends up getting her hand dunked in a glass of water.
Everyone's all goofy at this meeting because it just started snowing and since Dawn isn't around to be a Debbie Downer and bitch about how cold it is, the BSC is really excited. Everyone's also discussing the meaning of the word "tizzy" because Mallory told them about her old-fashioned Christmas idea and how when they invited Uncle Joe, he said the residents of the nursing home are "in a tizzy" over the Christmas Boutique they're putting together. NO MALLORY! Why did you mention that in front of Kristy? Ugh, now it's inevitable.
I guess being in Claudia's room makes everyone else come under the spell of her stupidity, because they're all staring blankly at Mallory. Well, that's just normal for Claudia, come to think of it. Mallory, since she's the bookworm of the group, explains that a tizzy is the same thing as being in a dither. More silence until Abby asks if that's a type of instrument. Mallory tells us that's a zither and she found that out later on by asking Abby's twin, Anna the sane one, since she's the musician in the family. I would sure love to know Anna's reaction to that phone call. "Hi, this is Mallory, and I'm in the Babysitters Club with your sister. What's a musical instrument that sounds like dither?"
Since Mallory's vocabulary is going over everyone's heads, she describes a tizzy as going crazy. Uncle Joe said all the residents are forming committees and "running around like thirty-year-olds." Claudia's confused and wants to know "Is that supposed to be young?" Oh yes. The thought process of a teenager.
Jessi remarks they should hire Kristy to help out. DAMMIT! Jessi, what did I just tell Mallory about not encouraging Kristy? Stacey, however, takes it and runs with it. They'd all have heart attacks. Ooooh, someone just got owned!
(Borrowing this from the Mary Anne Saves the Day snark, because it's appropriate here too)
Kristy responds that she's very "gentle and lovable with old people." Abby, hero to us all, concludes this conversation with "It's just the young ones she drives crazy!" OUCH. Everyone is ganging up on Kristy and I love it! Kristy mentions reviewing their new member policy and Abby says she'll be good after Kristy picks up the execution sword. Lighten up, Madame President!
Claudia passes out mini Heath bars (ew, more candy I don't like. Though I haven't seen those anywhere in a long time, except as an option for ice cream toppings) and like I predicted, Kristy thinks it would be ~fun~ to help out with the nursing home's boutique!
Well Mallory and Jessi, I hope you're happy with what you did. You just got yourselves wrangled into another Project du Jour!
Jessi knows right away, because she mutters, "Uh oh. I smell an Idea." You know, Peter Lerangis irritates me alot, but I do love how snarky he makes some of the BSC members. Kristy must not have heard Jessi's little aside, because she keeps prattling on about how they can all contribute to the boutique and suggests Claudia do a painting or sculpture, to which Claudia responds, "How did I know she'd say that?" At this point, it's like they're all in on the joke too. Well, everyone except Kristy, because she's still taking herself too seriously. As Kristy tells Mary Anne to get a knitting project together, Mallory starts in with her descriptions of everyone. She also compares Kristy's Ideas to zits, because they come in groups. Ew?
Oh, and Mallory likes the fact that she's a little taller than Kristy, because it makes her feel a little superior to the BSC Dictator. She and Jessi don't like being junior officers, and she describes it with a (barf, gag), like she's talking about Stacey's diabeetus. And there's nothing else new about Kristy.
It also happens to be dues day, so there's our segue into Stacey. Claudia reaches into her pocket and pulls out two large, melty chocolate coins. Uh, Claudia, I don't think Stacey accepts candy as legal tender. Especially because just handling it can kill her. Then the phone rings, and Claudia picks it up with her chocolatey hand. Way to go. Nothing new about Claudia, though Mallory mentions the Kishi Scientific Ener-Joy Theory: If you eat what you like, you become happy, and the energy from your joy burns off calories. Yeah, I wish it worked that easy. Aw, no outfit descriptions this time.
Nothing new about Stacey, nothing new about Mary Anne. Whew, this chapter 2's going pretty fast! And then we get a joke from Abby that doesn't make sense:
If the BSC were a car, Kristy would be the headlights, Claudia would be the chassis, Stacey would be the gas gauge, and Mary Anne would be the engine. And she'd be the bumper. More like Kristy would be an overheating radiator, Claudia would be the bright pink fuzzy dice hanging from a rearview mirror, I kind of agree with Stacey and Mary Anne, and I'm sure we can think of something creative for Mallory and Jessi. Maybe Mallory could be the bumper instead.
Nothing new about Abby...Mallory agrees with us and says that she's basically Kristy with lots of allergies and she's more easygoing (HA!). Oooh, and Mallory thinks Kristy's jealous of her. Mallory's one of us! Though she thinks she and Jessi are the most important members of the BSC. Yeah, keep deluding yourself. And nothing new about Jessi, Logan got one little paragraph, and I don't think she even mentioned poor Shannon.
By the end of the meeting, Kristy announces the BSC should have a holiday party too. Wait...a BSC party? Just for the BSC, with none of their charges invited along? Maybe, like the Grinch, the Christmas spirit got to her. And Mallory swats us all across the face with some more foreshadowing: A cozy family Christmas and a BSC holiday party? What could be better? This was going to be the warmest, happiest December ever. I just knew it. So now things are really going to suck.
Chapter 3:
Dee leads the Pike Army in the singing of a quite silly rendition of the Twelve Days of Christmas as she records it. Nicky, ever the Dwight Schrute of the Pike Family, almost ends up killing the joke when adding his verse to the song, but they get through and everyone laughs over the end result. Then, the doorbell rings! Dee jokes it's the Christmas Carol Police, coming to arrest them, and Claire believes her. You'd think she'd know this by now.
The Pikes are greeted by a guy on the porch and Mallory spends some time going on about how out-of-place he looks with a tan, because it's December and no one in CT has tans in the winter apparently. And I guess tanning salons, and self-tanner doesn't exist in Stoneybrook either. The guy introduces himself as Chad Henry, and he's a producer for Channel Three. He congratulates the Pikes and Vanessa starts freaking out like she just got a Nintendo 64.
Vanessa explains there was a commercial on tv about how you had to write a letter into the station about how your family was going to spend Christmas, and she entered the Pikes' Old-Fashioned Christmas, and I guess they won. Personally, I don't think it's really that creative, but I guess Mr. Henry was blown away. Maybe Vanessa wrote her entry in rhyme.
Mr. Henry praises Dee and it's completely laughable: What a family. Eight children - and such a strong sense of closeness (HA!) and traditional American values. Warmth, generosity, wholesomeness... Apparently having a huge family is American and wholesome?
Yeah right.
Uh oh...
I think Mr. Henry is TLC's producer and they're trying to find another large-family reality show to compete with the Duggars and to fill the void the Gosselins left.
Mrs. Pike asks if they have to buy anything and Mr. Henry says no and instead shows her a check for $10,000. $10,000?! Geez, even for the late 90s, that's pretty cheap. Is this going to air on public access or something? The Pike Army starts freaking out when they see the check though, and Mallory says she wants to take back every mean thing she ever said to Vanessa. I wouldn't go that far, Mallory. Some of her poetry is pretty unforgivable, if you ask me. Mr. Henry also presents Dee with a contract and explains that he's putting together a feature called Family First, for his show Values AmericanStyle. Wait, what?
Yeah, I'm as confused as you are. I was going to post MST3K blowing the lid off of Love, American Style, but I couldn't find it.
Anyway, Mr. Henry says as the winning family, they'll be filmed preparing for and celebrating their old-fashioned Christmas, and the show will air a year from now and broadcast all throughout southern Connecticut. Hear that, Mallory? Thousands will get to see you at your most awkward! Dee says they'll discuss it, and get back to him, so Mr. Henry bids them farewell (and puts the check back in his pocket, as Mallory points out).
The second Mr. Henry leaves, everyone freaks out again. Adam and Byron argue over whether they should buy a Ferrari or Porsche. Yeah, with $10,000, you're looking at something used, guys. Margo and Claire invent a butler named Grimsby that they start ordering around, and Nicky gives Vanessa some more contests to enter. When John comes home, they hold a family meeting to discuss the prospect of them becoming a less creepy, more annoying answer to the Duggars.
John looks over the contract and spouts out some legal talk, since he's a lawyer (like 96% of the men in town). He warns the kids they'll have to be cautious, with all the people that'll be in the house. You're a family of ten - what's another few more? The kids are all starry-eyed, and it's really no use arguing, so their parents agree to give it a try, but let them handle the money issue. John says it'll go towards their educations, despite protests that they buy a car or a new house (it's $10,000, not 10 million, guys!) Though $10,000 really won't make a difference when you're paying for eight kids to go to college. Well, to borrow a suggestion from Homer Simpson, looks like one of them won't be going to school.
Coming up...Kristy attention whores with the best of them, arts and crafts time with Jessi, and it's the first day of filming for Eight Kids and NOT Counting!
In honor of being in the presence of Peter "AUGH!" Lerangis last month at a book signing at the bookstore where I work, I'm doing one of his books. This is also one of my favorite books - John & Dee Plus Eight! Uh, I mean, Mallory's Christmas Wish!
The cover for my book fell off a long time ago (I told you it was a favorite of mine!), but here it is:
Leave it to Mallory to get the cover fabric that's the loudest and most garish of all of them. Hell, even Claudia got some nice paisley. Coupled with the bright green background, this cover looks like the 80s threw up all over it, even though the book was written around 1996. Or at least I think it was, because the title page is missing on mine too.
I do have to say, I don't get why Mallory's always bitching that her parents are oh-so strict and won't let her wear anything dibble or grown-up. Because that is one really mini miniskirt. I don't even think Stacey would wear that. Ok, maybe she would. And show of hands...who used to do the/still does the "sneakers with a skirt" thing? Mallory actually looks really nice here, ugly-colored sweater aside. And I'm assuming the little member of the Pike Army there is Margo, because she looks a little too tall to be Claire. Those are some unfortunate Mom Jeans too.
Thanks to Ann's letter in the back, we learn that the guy in the green jacket is in fact Hodges Soileau, and this is the first time he inserted himself into one of the book covers. So there's the one to direct all your anger towards, whether it be about giving an 11-year-old model-worthy legs, having Dawn without her loooooong white-blonde hair, or making Jessi look like a man in so many freakin covers. Ok, now that that's over with...
Chapter 1:
And right away, we're hit with some ~wonderful~ prose from out favorite red-haired dork. BORING!
It's pretty bad too (and no, I don't feel bad saying that. Mallory agrees with me later on). I'll quote the whole thing because it isn't too long:
It was a cold, snowy night. There was a white circle on the windowpane from the frost. It was the day after Thanksgiving. Inside the old, crumbling house of the Post family, a fire burned. Shivering from the frigidity, the heat was not enough for the seven Post children huddled around. Little did they know that outside in the darkness, a pair of eyes was looking in.
Since Mallory believes that you must always write about what you know (I know she learned her lesson before this book, but bear with me here), two situations are possible here with the so-called "Post" family:
1. Notice there is only seven children inside. The pair of eyes looking in is the eldest Post child, who got locked outside in the snow, away from the fire. Geez, even in her own fiction, Mallory can't catch a break!
2. Seven children inside, a pair of eyes looking in, and a fire burning...STORY!MALLORY IS EXACTING HER REVENGE FOR HAVING TO BE THE FAMILY BABYSITTER/HOUSEKEEPER! OH, THE HUMANITY!
Before Mallory can add more to her gruesome story (which you know ends with the eldest child running off to California with the family life insurance, which she immediately blows on a nose job and some dibblicious sparkly sweatshirts), Margo interrupts her sister's thoughts by asking her what "friddiggity" means. I guess when Lerangis sat down to write this, AMM left him a list of guidelines that included "Make one of the charges mispronounce a word because it's cute when little kids mispronounce things!" *GAG*
Since she's Mom #2 in Chez Pike, Mallory scolds Margo for spying over her shoulder while she was writing. As she's doing this, the rest of the Pike Army lets themselves be heard. That's also part of AMM's list of guidelines: "When introducing the Pikes, have each one come into the picture while Mallory/another BSC member lists them off as another sibling and yet another sibling!"
So while Mallory's complaining about Margo, Claire (who's still going through her silly phase, 84 books later) sings "Frid-diggity-dog!" and "Dig-miggidy-mog!" No more SAT words in your literature, Mallory! Nicky wants to know what's so funny, and Adam responds with "Your face!" Ouch. While the other triplets lollerskate over this, Nicky runs off to tattle. The only one who keeps silent is Vanessa. Whew. Oh wait, Mallory's says she's sitting by the fireplace, writing poetry and trying to think of a word that rhymes with "reindeer." That means we'll have some Vanessa Poetry coming up soon. Nooooo!
Vanessa, here's something that rhymes with "reindeer." Your poetry makes BSC_snark's eyes well up with TEARS! Yes, I'm creative too.
They all head into the kitchen for dinner and Margo announces she wants friddiggity for dessert. Are you sure that it won't make you projectile vomit all over everyone, Margo? Before Mrs. Pike can react, Claire responds, "Dog diggity fridge!" and John "Babymachine" Pike thinks she means Pow's in the fridge. Never turning down an opportunity to scar a sibling for life, Adam yanks open the fridge and acts like Pow's turned into a dogsicle, scaring the pants off of Claire. They're on a collision course with wackiness!
Mallory tells us she lives in a monkey house, and the newest incarnation of her life story will be called FML: The Mallory Pike Story Every Sperm is Sacred: Growing up Pike My Family Used Me as a Nanny! Mallory and the Seven Simian Siblings. And since it isn't a BSC book without a vocabulary lesson, Mallory tells us simian is a great word and it means "of or relating to monkeys." Everyone take a shot!
After introducing herself as the eldest monkey, Mallory apologizes for torturing us with that story before, because it was just a first draft. Did you know she wants to be a writer? Because she does. She dreams of accepting her Newbery Medal one day, with clear blue eyes and perfect teeth and wearing a dibbly fresh, sparkly pink minidress. But she can't do that now, because of her damn braces and glasses. Her parents are really mean and won't let her wear contacts until she's 15, you guys. Honestly Mallory, my friends who wear glasses didn't get contacts until they were around 13-14. The way she carries on, you'd think they were reenacting Richard's treatment of Mary Anne, pre-makeover #1.
Of course, since she's the eldest, her parents are much more lenient with her younger siblings. Honestly, by the time Claire is eleven, she'll have an apartment of her own, a personal butler, and a salary. Well, I agree with her here. As the eldest, my siblings definitely get away with a lot more than I did. And like I always say, Mallory's parents treat her as the family's live-in nanny and housekeeper, and she's always the one to do the Charlie Work around the house.
Charlie Kelly knows exactly how Mallory feels. Life is always hurling garbage cans at both of them.
And what do you know - while the triplets are still laughing at Claire, Margo and Mallory are put to work setting the table. It never ends! While Mallory and Margo do that, Nicky announces that he wants to know why the kitchen reeks. Uh oh...did the thought of a frozen solid Pow make Margo retch? No, Mr. Pike's cooking dinner. Don't worry, he isn't making tater tot casserole Daddy Stew. It's lamb stew, which sounds ok to me, but Byron sounds horrified. I thought he was the fattie triplet who likes to eat!
Lamb stew, lamb stew, start with some herbs, then chop up the ewe. Well, look who just came strolling in! I won't be too harsh, because that one was actually kind of funny, though a little morbid. The only one who reacts is Mallory, until Vanessa tells the younger girls what a ewe is. Great, if Margo hadn't thrown up already, now it's almost guaranteed.
Jordan protests and says they should be eating something Christmasy. So this is, what, the ninth Christmas they've spent in Stoneybrook, frozen at the same ages? Let's do the time warp again!
Click to view
The Pike Army throws out suggestions for Christmasy food - turkey, goose. Claire wants gingerbread men, and gets corrected by Mallory, who tells her it's gingerbread people. PC in the BSC! Everyone take another shot! Vanessa suggests figgy pudding, and thankfully, Mallory delves into some exposition, so we don't have to endure Vanessa singing We Wish You a Merry Christmas.
Well, guess what. We have Mallory to blame for the Pikes getting all up in the Christmas spirit just days after Thanksgiving. Apparently, they're on the same schedule as the retail sector. Anyway, Mallory says she got an idea the day before (don't tell Kristy! She'll wish she thought of it!), on Black Friday. On the busiest shopping day of the year, Jessi and Mallory were downtown in the thick of it all. Because they're crazy. I don't think they're shopping though, because Mallory says she was pretending to be Jezebel Cassoulet, and Jessi her sister, Daphne. Two French refugees, visiting 19th century England for the first time.
Excuse me...
Sorry. What, did Mallory and Jessi get tired of playing horses? They're shaken from their fantasy by the sounds of the season: Christmas music, kids throwing tantrums, car horns. Mallory notices a sign advertising only four more shopping weeks and she panics. Oh yeah, I'm sure their babysitting money can't stretch far enough for presents (just ask Mary Anne), and that's just Mallory's family alone!
Mallory mopes for about three seconds before she gets her Great Idea. The Pikes could have an old-fashioned Christmas! Make their own gifts! Make their own gift wrap! Use the fireplace! Cook holiday food! What, they weren't planning on cooking Christmas meals for Christmas? And just like Kristy, she gets excited over one of her ideas. Of course, the whole family's game, which brings us back to dinner, with Dee and John explaining to Nicky that they can't make every single meal between now and Christmas festive. Wait...I thought Jordan was the one complaining about the lamb stew. Keep your facts straight, Lerangis!
Nicky's still whining (geez, if not having Christmasy food makes you that upset, you're in for a world of disappointment as you get older, kid...) and wants his parents to at least serve something green and red. If this was Mallory, they'd both laugh in her face. But since it's Nicky, John suggests dying the mashed potatoes. It's like the family wants Margo to throw up on a daily basis! Dee must agree with me, because she opts to serve mint jelly and cranberry sauce instead.
Of course, the only thing the Pike Army can talk about at dinner is their old-fashioned Christmas. Claire wants Bert from Mary Poppins to clean their chimney. Well, since Mallory does everything else in their house, why don't they just wrap her in a giant brush and drop her down there? For some reason, Nicky thinks having a laser light show on the lawn is old-fashioned. Yeah, I never pegged him as the "smart" Pike. Mallory wants to have a big open house on Christmas for the whole neighborhood and Dee immediately shoots that shit down. Geez, Mallory - does EVERY event involving at least one of member of the BSC have to include the entire freakin town? Their graduation from babysitting training, their summer camp's circus performance, the Little Miss Stoneybrook pageant...
Dee explains Christmas is a time to spend with family, and Mallory gets the idea to invite Plot Devic-uh, I mean, Uncle Joe over to celebrate with them. John says he'll call him, and Mallory mentions he lives in Stoneybrook Manor. Plot device foreshadowing!
After dinner, everyone splits up. The triplets head off to make Christmas mix tapes with old vinyls. My mom used to do that for Christmas back in the day. Margo and Dee go knit, and Nicky says he needs privacy and goes down to the basement where everyone can hear him hammering away. MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER! Vanessa and Mallory go back to torturing us writing. Mallory decides the story she wrote is awful. We agree!
As Mallory revises her story (and makes sure to remove "frigidity"), Vanessa starts ruining Christmas: Santa Claus put on his coat and bandaged up his sprained ear; then he jumped into his sled and called out to his reindeer. Sprained ear? What? Mallory's as confused as Claudia on a normal basis as I am, and Vanessa explains Santa has a sprained ear "from listening to too many squeaky little elf voices." That doesn't even make sense! FAIL!
see more Epic Fails
While I'm rolling my eyes at Vanessa, John comes in to tell Mallory that he called Uncle Joe and he mentioned something about the nursing home being wicked busy because they're trying to build a new wing (I think we know what's coming...) and the residents are putting together a holiday boutique as a fundraiser. We all know what this means!
Anyway, Uncle Joe wants to avoid it at all costs, and when John mentioned they would be having a quiet, peaceful time at home with just the family (I wouldn't use the words "quiet" or "peaceful" to ever describe the Pikes, unless someone shot them with a tranquilizer dart), he agreed to come for Christmas. Mallory and Vanessa are thrilled and Mallory concludes the chapter by saying she's so excited that everything's coming together. Christmas the way it should be.
So since she said that, you know something's going to happen to screw it all up.
Chapter 2:
BSC meeting time! We start with Jessi asking everyone what a tizzy is. And, in typical Peter Lerangis fashion, Claudia responds, "Ishashoka," because she's got a mouth full of Milk Duds (eww, I hate Milk Duds). Food-in-mouth dialogue! Everyone take another shot! And really, this Lerangism annoys me the most. Claudia will say something like "awleikoeujeisln" because she's got a mouth full of some kind of junk food and then someone will tell her to swallow (heh, that's what she said) and she repeats what she was trying to say. Happens way too much for my liking.
Stacey orders Claudia to swallow (whoa, that came out sounding wrong) and Claudia does and repeats herself: A tizzy's an old car. That's a Tin Lizzie, corrects Kristy. Everyone keeps discussing this for far too long, except Mary Anne, who sits back and giggles at everyone. Mallory says in-between the SRS BZNS parts of meetings (well, if you asked Kristy, she'd say the entire meeting is SRS BZNS), it's like one big pajama party. Only you know Mallory's the one who wants to go to sleep early and ends up getting her hand dunked in a glass of water.
Everyone's all goofy at this meeting because it just started snowing and since Dawn isn't around to be a Debbie Downer and bitch about how cold it is, the BSC is really excited. Everyone's also discussing the meaning of the word "tizzy" because Mallory told them about her old-fashioned Christmas idea and how when they invited Uncle Joe, he said the residents of the nursing home are "in a tizzy" over the Christmas Boutique they're putting together. NO MALLORY! Why did you mention that in front of Kristy? Ugh, now it's inevitable.
I guess being in Claudia's room makes everyone else come under the spell of her stupidity, because they're all staring blankly at Mallory. Well, that's just normal for Claudia, come to think of it. Mallory, since she's the bookworm of the group, explains that a tizzy is the same thing as being in a dither. More silence until Abby asks if that's a type of instrument. Mallory tells us that's a zither and she found that out later on by asking Abby's twin, Anna the sane one, since she's the musician in the family. I would sure love to know Anna's reaction to that phone call. "Hi, this is Mallory, and I'm in the Babysitters Club with your sister. What's a musical instrument that sounds like dither?"
Since Mallory's vocabulary is going over everyone's heads, she describes a tizzy as going crazy. Uncle Joe said all the residents are forming committees and "running around like thirty-year-olds." Claudia's confused and wants to know "Is that supposed to be young?" Oh yes. The thought process of a teenager.
Jessi remarks they should hire Kristy to help out. DAMMIT! Jessi, what did I just tell Mallory about not encouraging Kristy? Stacey, however, takes it and runs with it. They'd all have heart attacks. Ooooh, someone just got owned!
(Borrowing this from the Mary Anne Saves the Day snark, because it's appropriate here too)
Kristy responds that she's very "gentle and lovable with old people." Abby, hero to us all, concludes this conversation with "It's just the young ones she drives crazy!" OUCH. Everyone is ganging up on Kristy and I love it! Kristy mentions reviewing their new member policy and Abby says she'll be good after Kristy picks up the execution sword. Lighten up, Madame President!
Claudia passes out mini Heath bars (ew, more candy I don't like. Though I haven't seen those anywhere in a long time, except as an option for ice cream toppings) and like I predicted, Kristy thinks it would be ~fun~ to help out with the nursing home's boutique!
Well Mallory and Jessi, I hope you're happy with what you did. You just got yourselves wrangled into another Project du Jour!
Jessi knows right away, because she mutters, "Uh oh. I smell an Idea." You know, Peter Lerangis irritates me alot, but I do love how snarky he makes some of the BSC members. Kristy must not have heard Jessi's little aside, because she keeps prattling on about how they can all contribute to the boutique and suggests Claudia do a painting or sculpture, to which Claudia responds, "How did I know she'd say that?" At this point, it's like they're all in on the joke too. Well, everyone except Kristy, because she's still taking herself too seriously. As Kristy tells Mary Anne to get a knitting project together, Mallory starts in with her descriptions of everyone. She also compares Kristy's Ideas to zits, because they come in groups. Ew?
Oh, and Mallory likes the fact that she's a little taller than Kristy, because it makes her feel a little superior to the BSC Dictator. She and Jessi don't like being junior officers, and she describes it with a (barf, gag), like she's talking about Stacey's diabeetus. And there's nothing else new about Kristy.
It also happens to be dues day, so there's our segue into Stacey. Claudia reaches into her pocket and pulls out two large, melty chocolate coins. Uh, Claudia, I don't think Stacey accepts candy as legal tender. Especially because just handling it can kill her. Then the phone rings, and Claudia picks it up with her chocolatey hand. Way to go. Nothing new about Claudia, though Mallory mentions the Kishi Scientific Ener-Joy Theory: If you eat what you like, you become happy, and the energy from your joy burns off calories. Yeah, I wish it worked that easy. Aw, no outfit descriptions this time.
Nothing new about Stacey, nothing new about Mary Anne. Whew, this chapter 2's going pretty fast! And then we get a joke from Abby that doesn't make sense:
If the BSC were a car, Kristy would be the headlights, Claudia would be the chassis, Stacey would be the gas gauge, and Mary Anne would be the engine. And she'd be the bumper. More like Kristy would be an overheating radiator, Claudia would be the bright pink fuzzy dice hanging from a rearview mirror, I kind of agree with Stacey and Mary Anne, and I'm sure we can think of something creative for Mallory and Jessi. Maybe Mallory could be the bumper instead.
Nothing new about Abby...Mallory agrees with us and says that she's basically Kristy with lots of allergies and she's more easygoing (HA!). Oooh, and Mallory thinks Kristy's jealous of her. Mallory's one of us! Though she thinks she and Jessi are the most important members of the BSC. Yeah, keep deluding yourself. And nothing new about Jessi, Logan got one little paragraph, and I don't think she even mentioned poor Shannon.
By the end of the meeting, Kristy announces the BSC should have a holiday party too. Wait...a BSC party? Just for the BSC, with none of their charges invited along? Maybe, like the Grinch, the Christmas spirit got to her. And Mallory swats us all across the face with some more foreshadowing: A cozy family Christmas and a BSC holiday party? What could be better? This was going to be the warmest, happiest December ever. I just knew it. So now things are really going to suck.
Chapter 3:
Dee leads the Pike Army in the singing of a quite silly rendition of the Twelve Days of Christmas as she records it. Nicky, ever the Dwight Schrute of the Pike Family, almost ends up killing the joke when adding his verse to the song, but they get through and everyone laughs over the end result. Then, the doorbell rings! Dee jokes it's the Christmas Carol Police, coming to arrest them, and Claire believes her. You'd think she'd know this by now.
The Pikes are greeted by a guy on the porch and Mallory spends some time going on about how out-of-place he looks with a tan, because it's December and no one in CT has tans in the winter apparently. And I guess tanning salons, and self-tanner doesn't exist in Stoneybrook either. The guy introduces himself as Chad Henry, and he's a producer for Channel Three. He congratulates the Pikes and Vanessa starts freaking out like she just got a Nintendo 64.
Vanessa explains there was a commercial on tv about how you had to write a letter into the station about how your family was going to spend Christmas, and she entered the Pikes' Old-Fashioned Christmas, and I guess they won. Personally, I don't think it's really that creative, but I guess Mr. Henry was blown away. Maybe Vanessa wrote her entry in rhyme.
Mr. Henry praises Dee and it's completely laughable: What a family. Eight children - and such a strong sense of closeness (HA!) and traditional American values. Warmth, generosity, wholesomeness... Apparently having a huge family is American and wholesome?
Yeah right.
Uh oh...
I think Mr. Henry is TLC's producer and they're trying to find another large-family reality show to compete with the Duggars and to fill the void the Gosselins left.
Mrs. Pike asks if they have to buy anything and Mr. Henry says no and instead shows her a check for $10,000. $10,000?! Geez, even for the late 90s, that's pretty cheap. Is this going to air on public access or something? The Pike Army starts freaking out when they see the check though, and Mallory says she wants to take back every mean thing she ever said to Vanessa. I wouldn't go that far, Mallory. Some of her poetry is pretty unforgivable, if you ask me. Mr. Henry also presents Dee with a contract and explains that he's putting together a feature called Family First, for his show Values AmericanStyle. Wait, what?
Yeah, I'm as confused as you are. I was going to post MST3K blowing the lid off of Love, American Style, but I couldn't find it.
Anyway, Mr. Henry says as the winning family, they'll be filmed preparing for and celebrating their old-fashioned Christmas, and the show will air a year from now and broadcast all throughout southern Connecticut. Hear that, Mallory? Thousands will get to see you at your most awkward! Dee says they'll discuss it, and get back to him, so Mr. Henry bids them farewell (and puts the check back in his pocket, as Mallory points out).
The second Mr. Henry leaves, everyone freaks out again. Adam and Byron argue over whether they should buy a Ferrari or Porsche. Yeah, with $10,000, you're looking at something used, guys. Margo and Claire invent a butler named Grimsby that they start ordering around, and Nicky gives Vanessa some more contests to enter. When John comes home, they hold a family meeting to discuss the prospect of them becoming a less creepy, more annoying answer to the Duggars.
John looks over the contract and spouts out some legal talk, since he's a lawyer (like 96% of the men in town). He warns the kids they'll have to be cautious, with all the people that'll be in the house. You're a family of ten - what's another few more? The kids are all starry-eyed, and it's really no use arguing, so their parents agree to give it a try, but let them handle the money issue. John says it'll go towards their educations, despite protests that they buy a car or a new house (it's $10,000, not 10 million, guys!) Though $10,000 really won't make a difference when you're paying for eight kids to go to college. Well, to borrow a suggestion from Homer Simpson, looks like one of them won't be going to school.
Coming up...Kristy attention whores with the best of them, arts and crafts time with Jessi, and it's the first day of filming for Eight Kids and NOT Counting!