BSC Friends Forever #1 -- Kristy's Big News
I was actually going to write a recap for 'Mary Anne's Big Breakup', but while trying to find it, I stumbled upon 'Kristy's Big News'. Which, for the record, I completely forgot existed. I kept thinking that the 'Everything Changes' book was the first in the series, but it's actually a super special. I guess I really mustn't have liked this book, even if the cover's pink and it features lots of Charlie. (I used to have a bit of a crush on him.)
The cover: Kristy looks like Turtle from Entourage. Enough said.
The book begins at the Brewer mansion. Kristy's delightful blended family is seated around the dinner table while Watson makes a toast to the new school year. Um...the what now? They're actually starting eighth grade again? If memory serves, they've repeated a handful of summers, Christmases, Thanksgivings and et cetera, but so far nobody's actually made them start from the start. Someone's actually made a conscious effort to say, "You know what? Fuck the hundred-plus books that came before it. Let's just pretend that eighth grade never happened." This is such bullshit. Now I remember why this book was so forgettable.
Kristy takes this time to explain her crazy big family to us as per usual, only this time she seems to be mentioning her biological father Patrick more than normal. FORESHADOWING!!! Then she gets distracted when Sam and David Michael start talking about the World Series. Because Kristy's a tomboy, remember? It's not enough that the cover depicts her wearing a backwards baseball cap while showing complete disregard for a bunch of girly flowers. Oh no. She also has to talk about baseball and dude stuff as well. Sigh.
The phone rings, and Elizabeth jumps to get it. Kristy says that she thinks it's weird how her mother assumes the worst when the phone rings late at night. Well, uh, so do I. So do most people. So who could be rude enough to call during dinner, you may be asking. It's none other than Patrick Thomas, aka Dad 1.0, wanting to talk to his kids. DUM DUM DUUUUM!
Chapter two picks up right where we left off. As in...not at a BSC meeting? Not even mentioning the BSC or its members? That's certainly not the Chapter Two I know. Next-Gen BSC really freaks me out. Anyway, Kristy and her brothers each pick up a phone to talk to their dad, which is kind-of unnecessary -- whatever happened to speaker-phone? Patrick says that he's getting married to some woman we care even less about than him named Zoey Amberson. Charlie hangs up the phone. He's so angsty. I can almost feel his burning teen angst from here. Anyway, Patrick invites them to the wedding next week, and they're like, "Um, okay, I guess." They feel kinda weird about it, as I guess you would if the father you haven't seen in years called out of the blue and told you to get your ass to California to see him get married.
Sam and Kristy go back into the dining room and everyone's acting all weird and uncomfortable. Except Karen, who's "bouncing up and down" because she's mentally unstable. Or something to that effect. Watson seems pretty fine with the whole old-dad-back-on-the-scene business and starts going on about which state has the best apples (?), and Charlie puts an end to all the pleasant small-talk by announcing that he's not going. David Michael asks if he can go. Oh wow, that's harsh -- Patrick didn't even ask him to come with. That's some crazy favouritism there, dude. David Michael says, "He's my real father. I want to go," and Kristy worries that Watson's feelings might have been hurt. Which I suppose is a possibility, but how old is David Michael? Kids say stuff without thinking sometimes. You would think that Kristy the babysitter extraordinaire would know this by now. Charlie yells some more about how real fathers don't act like Patrick did. Charlie's got a lot of anger in this book. I wonder if he'll punch anybody. (God, I hope so.) He goes up to his room, presumably to listen to 'Cat's In The Cradle' and some early noughties dad-hating Good Charlotte.
The next day, the plane tickets arrive. Patrick had them Fed-Exed, which I suppose is thoughtful. Even though Watson's a millionaire, it would have been kinda insensitive for Patrick to assume that he'd pay their way to Cali. Kristy freaks out about the fact that there are only three tickets, which means David Michael officially has to sit this one out. Charlie says again that he won't go, and Kristy gets all emo about how she used to be jealous that Charlie was old enough to remember their time with Patrick, but now, seeing how much it's hurting him, she's sort of glad she was too young. She does remember that she cried on the night Patrick left. Okay, I'll admit that's kinda sad. In fact, this whole book is a total downer so far -- I mean, come on! Patrick actually forgot about his youngest son! That's just...I don't even know what that is, but I don't like it.
Kristy decides that she'll go over to Mary Anne's, and proceeds to tell us all about dear old MA and her shyness/stepsister/kitten/housefire on the way there. Kristy, seriously, this is a Friends Forever book -- we don't do that shit anymore, remember? When she gets there she tells Mary Anne that she has a problem involving Patrick, and somewhat bafflingly, Mary Anne says, "Let's go to my room. You can hold Tigger while you tell me about it." Yeah, that's not at all weird and out-of-the-blue. And no matter how hard Kristy tries to change the subject, what's the first thing MA does when they sit down? "She scooped up Tigger from the pillow and plopped him in my lap." This is a really funny mental image, worrying though it may be. Mary Anne is way too young to start exhibiting crazy cat lady characteristics. If Edgar Allan Poe has taught us anything, it's that excessive cat ownership is all fun and games until one of them gives you rabies and you end up dead in a gutter wearing somebody else's clothes. That, and ravens say 'nevermore'.
Kristy explains the whole Patrick's-getting-married-and-Charlie-won't-go thing, and then has a Great Idea. (Her use of the term, not mine.) Mary Anne should use his ticket and go in his place! Which, if I may say so, actually sounds like a Terrible Idea. I mean, why not offer the extra ticket to poor old forgotten David Michael first? Why the hell would Mary Anny want to come? Why the hell would Patrick want Mary Anne to come? That is so stupid. Kristy is so stupid. Mary Anne is slightly less stupid, because she tells Kristy what a Terrible Idea it really is. Thank you, Mary Anne.
Back at the Brewer mansion, David Michael complains some more about how it's not fair that he can't go to Patrick's wedding, and they all pretty much ignore him. Poor David Michael. Neither of his families like him. Kristy calls Charlie for dinner, and then wonders if she should talk to him about Patrick. She decides against it, then says that "my older brother is a stand-up kind of guy, patient as the day is long." I'll say he's patient -- he's spent an entire year driving Kristy and her friends everywhere without complaining. And now apparently it's Groundhog Year, so he's got another twelve months of chauffeuring eighth-graders to look forward to. If I was Charlie, I'd be a moody bitch too.
At the dinner table, Elizabeth finally stops ignoring David Michael and tells him that Patrick didn't send a plane ticket for him. Karen decides she wants to go too, because she likes California and she likes weddings. Shut up, Karen. I like Top Gun and Dawson's Creek, but you didn't hear me complain when I didn't get an invite to TomKat's wedding, did you?
Charlie says he's not going to the wedding. Again. We know, Charlie, we heard you the first six times. We didn't ignore you -- you're not David Michael, after all. Elizabeth's like, "Fine, Charlie, but if you're not going, neither are Sam and Kristy." Aw, snap, Mrs. Brewer! How's that for some crazy, nonsensical parenting?
Kristy and Sam are watching a baseball game. Because Kristy likes baseball, don't you know? Maybe she really is Turtle from Entourage. I hear he likes boobies, too. Kristy suddenly realises that she really wants to go to California and see Patrick, and so does Sam. Okay then. Glad we got that sorted. Kristy decides to talk to Charlie about it, and asks Sam if he wants to come with her to do so. Sam's like, "Nah...but let me know how it goes." Heh, Sam's such a coward. I guess he's sensing something kinda violent and punchy about Charlie in this book, too.
After some scolding from Kristy, Charlie decides that he'll go to California for his siblings' sakes. That's kinda nice of him. See why I used to like Charlie so much? Kristy goes downstairs and announces the good news to Sam. He thanks her, and she responds like so: " 'Yeah. Right,' said his eldest younger sister." And by 'his eldest younger sister, Kristy, do you mean...you? What the what? Who talks about themselves in the third person in such a roundabout way? Where did that even come from? That's some appalling writing right there.
The next chapter starts with the Thomas kids (except for poor, unloved David Michael) getting ready to go to the airport. Karen tells Kristy not to get eaten by sharks in California, and this actually, genuinely frightens Kristy a little. Jeez, Kristy, I expected better from you. Apparently Elizabeth has convinced David Michael that he didn't get invited to the wedding because he's too young, and he seems to be okay with it. I honestly can't remember the real reason behind Patrick not inviting his youngest son to his nuptials, but it had better be fucking good.
On the plane, Charlie takes the window seat, and Sam's like, "Thanks for asking if anyone else wanted to sit there, Charlie." Well hey now, Sam, isn't Charlie flying across the country for no other reason than because he didn't want to deprive you of a chance to see your biological father? Is that really how we express gratitude? Just be thankful he's even going. Kristy thinks about her childhood some more. Want to hear about some of her favourite memories? I bet you do.
-- She remembers how Charlie used to take care of baby David Michael after Patrick left. Has that ever been mentioned before?
-- Charlie was the Thomases' "main babysitter" at the ripe old age of ten. (Jessi and Mal would be so mad if they knew.) Perhaps this is why Kristy was so jazzed on the idea of babysitting in the first place.
-- Once, when Charlie was busy with David Michael, Sam and Kristy had attempted to do laundry and turned all the clothes pink. Charlie's solution was to wash them again with a yellow towel and turn everything a weird orange colour, which is apparently "easier to take." Uh, no. Whoever said orange is the new pink was seriously disturbed.
-- To save money, Charlie once gave everyone haircuts. Elizabeth (who was where exactly while all this shit was going down?) had to take them all to the hairdresser to fix it. That year, Sam's school picture was of him with really short hair wearing an orange shirt. This is actually pretty funny. The Thomases used to be tore up to the floor up before Watson came in on his white stallion and saved them all.
Oh, and I just realised something -- this book doesn't have an annoying babysitting B-plot. Thank goodness for small mercies. Will they try and incorporate babysitting into the main plotline? Only time will tell.
When they arrive at the airport, the Thomases head off to the carpark. Neither Patrick or Zoey were able to pick them up, so they left their car in short-term parking so Charlie could drive them home. Wow, the kids have been in Cali for less than an hour, and already Patrick's neglecting them! Way to commit, dude. Kristy's surprised that the car is an Audi A4, and to be frank, so am I. I was sorta hoping to meet the Patrick Thomas from the BSC movie, who lured young girls into his rape van with the promise of pancakes.
Turns out, this Patrick Thomas is totally loaded -- his mansion in Sausalito has its own fucking waterfall in the front yard, for God's sakes. Millionaire Watson must be cutting a bitch knowing that Dad 1.0 has stolen his one and only character trait. Patrick and Zoey arrive back at the house, and the reception is a little frosty there for a second. But then Patrick greets Kristy with a hug, and Sam with a handshake. Charlie just stands there. He does say hello to Zoey, though, which is nice. Even though he's raging mad at his father, he can still recognise that his battle's not with Zoey. A-plus for Elizabeth's parenting skills. (Although, Kristy's memories seem to allude to the fact that he pretty much raised himself, so there you go.)
Patrick makes fancy chicken sandwiches for the kids' lunch. He tells them that he's a chef now, not a sportswriter. Zoey owns the restaurant he works at. That's how they met. Whoop-de-do.
At dinner, Patrick mentions that he's gone about arranging tuxedos for the boys, and tells Kristy that Zoey will take her to buy a new dress. Kristy says that she already packed a dress, then hilariously says, "I didn't add that I'd brought my only dress. But who needs more than one?" Oh, Kristy, you're just going to take that tomboy character trait and run with it, aren't you, my dear?
Patrick asks Charlie and Sam to be his best men. He realises that it's tradition to only have one, but as he puts it, "you're my sons." Sam's cool with it, because he has no discernible personality in this book whatsoever, but Charlie flat-out refuses. He says, kind-of awesomely, "You'll have to make do with only one of your three sons." Suh-nap, Charles. Patrick doesn't even acknowledge the mention of David Michael. Jesus, what the hell did David Michael ever do to Patrick to incur such wrath? Charlie basically tells Patrick to fuck off, and then storms out of the room, the way every good teenager knows how. It's like they're programmed for dramatic exits or something. I miss being able to get away with doing that.
Kristy wakes up at five o'clock the next morning, because she hasn't adjusted to California time. She goes back to sleep, but is soon woken up by Zoey singing -- yes, singing -- about how it's time to shop. Holy God, that's annoying. Nobody deserves to be woken up like that, not even Kristy Thomas. Everyone's already downstairs drinking coffee and eating breakfast, and Zoey's like, "Charlie tells me you're not into dresses, what with you being such a tomboy and everything, so I'll make it as quick and painless as possible." Well now, Zoey, you know what doesn't make the notion of shopping quick and painless? Waking said shopping-hater up at the crack of dawn by singing a shopping song. Maybe keep that in mind next time.
Zoey and Kristy head off on their shopping adventure. Kristy manages to actually get stuck in a wraparound dress, and has to get Zoey to help her out of it. Well, that's what she says anyway -- maybe it was just her way of trying to get Zoey to undress her. But enough about Kristy's rampant lesbianism. (I know I'm clutching at straws, but I really just wanted to use the tag. Sue me if you must.) Fortunately for them (and me), the two find a dress for Kristy at the second store they visit. It's a burgundy number that shows off Kristy's arms. Zoey admires Kristy's strong, muscular arms. I wish I was kidding, but I'm not. This really is getting a little uncomfortable now. I don't want to be here anymore.
The girls come home to find Charlie lounging in a hammock reading a book. He had refused to go tux shopping with Patrick and Sam. I don't know what he plans on wearing to this wedding, then, but I guess not even things like sensibility and logic can stop a burned teen from being angsty. Charlie and Zoey talk for a while about books and sports. I like that they get along, even though I'm pretty sure Zoey's heart well and truly belongs to Kristy and her guns of steel.
Patrick and Sam come home, and Sam starts rambling on about how they went to a place called the Tuxedo Cat. And there was actually a cat who lived in the store. And he was black and white, so he looked like he was wearing a tuxedo. And his name was Tuxedo. Seriously. This should not be the highlight of a fifteen-year-old boy's day. The boys pull out their new tuxes...which are "unnatural yellow-orange" in colour. Hello, ladies...
Even Kristy thinks the suits are butt-fugly, and this is the girl who last chapter didn't know what a slip dress was. Oh, and they have matching orange ruffled shirts. (I just typo'd that as 'shits'. What do you think of that, Dr. Freud?) Charlie's like, "There's no fucking way I'm wearing that." Patrick's like, "Well, if you had come with us, maybe you could've had your opinion heard," and I have to wonder if he actually chose those God-awful tuxes just to get back at Charlie. Which is not great parenting, if you ask me. Then again, neither is forgetting that you have a third son.
The next day, the whole family goes to the Tuxedo Cat to get some new suits. Sam must be freakin' stoked. Kristy decides that she likes the tux look, and wants to wear one herself. Like, maybe at her wedding to Portia DeRossi. Just putting it out there. After picking out some better tuxes (and without Sam mentioning that fucking cat again), they all head off to the florist and talk about, well, flowers. Kristy thinks this discussion is very Nannie/Watson-esque, and misses home a bit. She starts wondering if perhaps her father's wedding will make everything okay with her paternal family like it did with Watson and Elizabeth. Probably not, I'd say, since Elizabeth didn't exactly abandon her children without a word or anything like that. Kristy even thinks that she likes Zoey way more than she liked Watson when she first met him. In fact, she goes so far as to think that right now, she likes Patrick more than Watson, too. Wow, no love for Watson in this book at all. Poor Watson. I feel like throwing him and David Michael a little pity party. We could wear pity party hats and everything.
Unfortunately (or fortunately, if you're Watson), things start to go downhill after that. Zoey suggests that they spend the day reconnecting by having a picnic. First, Patrick almost refuses to go. Then he calls Charlie "Chuck", and Charlie ain't mighty happy, so he goes on and on about he's going to college next year and Watson's going to help him pay for it. Patrick is not pleased. They all get on a ferry and head back home, because nothing spoils a happy family moment like when someone points out that you're not a happy family. Charlie says that he wants to go home, and Kristy tells him that he can't. Charlie's like, "Of course you'd take his side. Everyone knows you're his favourite." God, I hope that's not the reason Charlie's all hatey and 'grr' towards Patrick. Please, please, please, ANM and whichever ghostwriter's fucking up the series this week, don't let Charlie be that superficial. It's okay to give him actual human emotions, you know.
Zoey's parents call and say that they're both coming to the wedding. (They're separated. )Oh, and her father's other two ex-wives and his current wife will also be in attendance, only they can't stand to be in the same room as one another. You know, this wedding is getting more and more fun as this book progresses. While the bride-to-be starts adjusting the seating arrangement accordingly, Kristy realises that she, Sam and Charlie will be Patrick's only family at the wedding. Not even his brother is coming. Naww, how sad. Maybe if Patrick wasn't such an asshole, people would want to see him more often.
Afterward, the boys go and watch baseball, and Zoey asks Kristy if she wants to go into the bedroom and help her try on her wedding dress. (Resisting the obligatory lesbian snark that comes with this.) Kristy thinks, "Well, no. I'd rather watch baseball," but she goes with Zoey anyway. Kristy finally admits that she prefers sports to fashion, and Zoey wonders if her and Patrick's future kids will be like that. Kristy's like, "Whoah, slow down there, Bessie -- kids? As in, those things that need babysitters? You, like, want to have them shoot out of your lady bits and then raise them for enjoyment and not profit?" She gets all weird about it, and Zoey assures her that if she and Patrick eventually start their own family, it's not like Patrick will love her and her brothers any less. Kristy says, "Of course not. How could he?" and I kind-of like her for that. She gets hella upset and starts sympathising with Charlie.
The next day, while Zoey's off doing bride stuff, the Thomases go to the airport to pick up a whole bunch of Pa Amberson's ex-wives. Kristy and Charlie pick up Mona, and Patrick and Sam pick up Maude. Apparently the two look alike. Heh. At home, Charlie and Kristy speak briefly about Patrick's plans to procreate with his future wife. Like, what did they think was going to happen? Honestly. Patrick and Sam return, and they talk about Kristy's Krushers. Bringing up children gives Charlie a chance to snark Patrick about what a shit father he was (again), and Sam tries to change the subject by talking about sportswriting. Kristy actually has the nerve to think, "Sam was so eager, trying so hard." Well fuck, Kristy, so were you until about three seconds ago. You convinced your brother to fly out to California for this shit. You went dress-shopping. Does none of this ring a bell? Charlie should just fucking punch the guy and get it over with.
Patrick, Sam and Kristy go outside to play catch. They have fun. Woot.
Later that night, everyone gets ready to go to the rehearsal dinner. Charlie's thankful that he doesn't have to wear a tie, or a "noose" as he calls it. Kristy thinks, "I've heard Charlie and Sam call neckties nooses -- and worse -- often." Pardon my ignorance, but I have no idea what she means by that. What's worse than a noose? (Nothing, if you're David Carradine. Ba-dum-tsk! I crack myself up.) Because Patrick's a filthy bastard absentee parent, he doesn't realise this, and thinks Charlie's being a Suzie Smartass. Which, for the first time, he's actually not. Good work there, Patrick. He yells at Charlie something fierce, calling him negative, immature and spoiled. In that order. Kristy goes psycho at this and screams at Patrick that Charlie sacrificed a lot to look after his younger siblings when Patrick walked out on the family. And then she's like, "Oh yeah, and you totally forgot about David Michael." I was wondering when they were going to bring that up. Still not offering an explanation, Patrick decides to just leave it and go to the rehearsal dinner. Only the kids don't want to go anymore, not even Sam, so Patrick has to go by himself. Yeah, suck it, Patrick. That's what you get for yelling at Charlie. I'm pretty disappointed no-one got punched, though. Clearly I've been reading way too much Sweet Valley High.
After Patrick leaves, Sam tells Charlie that even though he's not perfect, Patrick is still their father. Dang, that's commitment for you. Especially since he's not even Patrick's favourite. Okay, so it gets kind-of mushy and wordy from here, so I'm just going to annotate this chapter to give you the basic gist of it:
Sam -- used to think it was his fault Patrick left.
Charlie -- remembers how Patrick would play baseball with him early in the morning before everyone was up
Kristy -- remembers that they all taught her to play baseball. Wow, that was all so necessary.
Then Sam basically gives us the message of the book. About time, too. He says, "Patrick's never going to live up to our expectations of him, not the ones we had when we were children. And we're not kids anymore...Is that so bad? To lower the expectations you had when you were kids?" While I do appreciate the much-needed dose of logic and clear thinking, am I really supposed to believe that a fifteen-year-old is capable of such pearls of wisdom? They all decide to go to the rehearsal dinner, probably just to shut Sam up and kick him off his moral high horse.
The kids rock up to the rehearsal dinner just as it's winding down. Damn, that must've been a long D&M they had. Zoey's really happy to see them, and Charlie tells her that he's going to be part of the wedding party after all. That Sam must be a bloody persuasive kid. As the rehearsal's about to begin, a whole collection of Zoey's ex-stepmothers rush up to her and tell her that it's bad luck for her to participate in the rehearsal. Maude (the current wife) offers to fill in for her, and all the wives start snarking her. See, gents? This is what happens when you go through spouses quicker than Liza Minnelli, and they all manage to stay friends with your daughter. Kristy volunteers to be Zoey's stand-in, which it totally un-Kristy, but I guess I should've expected this after the earlier attitude 180. Sam really schooled their asses, didn't he?
When they get home, Zoey asks if she can sleep in Kristy's room tonight. Heh, I'm totally getting my money's worth out of that 'rampant lesbian' tag. Why she didn't think to organise to stay at someone else's house the night before her wedding is beyond me. After Zoey makes it clear that neither of them are going to get any sleep tonight (because she's nervous about the wedding -- get your minds out of the gutters!), Kristy decides to explain why everyone's been so angry with Patrick all week, about how he walked out without saying goodbye and left her mother to raise four kids on her own. Zoey says that she pretty much knows all this, but it's been seven years (eight, if you include the last well-chronicled year that apparently never happened) and Patrick's really matured and learned from his mistakes.
Wedding day! Yay! Kristy and Patrick talk on the patio and he randomly says something about how he woke Sam up early so they could watch Australian football. Um, okay. 'Cause it's not like he has anything better to do today or anything. Kristy asks what Aussie Rules is like, and Patrick says, "We should have watched the celebrity wrestling." Mother. Fucker. Seriously, Patrick, I wasn't sure whose side I was on this entire book, but now you've gone and done it. It is a privilege to watch Aussie Rules football, good sir, and don't you forget it. Go straight to hell without passing go or collecting two hundred dollars. I've never wanted to kick a fictional character in the ass more than I do now. (Actually, I've read way too much crappy YA fiction for that to be true. But I am pretty steamed.)
Even though the getting-ready part of the novel lasts a good four pages, I can find nothing noteworthy about them, so I'm just gonna skip to the wedding. Basically, Patrick's smitten. The ex-stepmothers all cry. The bride and groom walk down the aisle to 'Take Me Out To The Ball Game'. While I love baseball (slightly less than AFL footy, but whatever), I still think this is just plain wrong.
At the reception, Charlie gets up and makes a short toast about how he hopes Patrick and Zoey have a wonderful life together. Which, considering he's only a groomsman and not the best man, was unnecessary but thoughtful. Patrick the neglectful parent/AFL hater is not worthy of this kind of forgiveness. After dancing with his new wife, Patrick asks Kristy to dance. Sam and Charlie each pick an ex-stepmother to boogie with. God, I love those boys so much.
A few days later, back in Stoneybrook, Kristy is detailing the wedding to her mother. At one point she even says to Elizabeth, "Life gave our family some lemons and we made lemonade." Ugh. That was way lame. Kristy, please leave this place and never come back.
At the next BSC meeting, Kristy's showing the wedding photos to her friends. Claudia not-so-subtly tells Kristy that she looks good in a dress. Well that may be, Claudia, but only we the readers know that actually getting into (or out of) a dress is an arduous task for our Kristy. For some reason I can't work out, the girls start talking about how they're such good friends, and how they're always there for one another in time of crisis. Stacey can't help but bring up her diabeetus. Damn, we almost made it through an entire book without a single mention of that. They wax poetic for a while about how Patrick missed out on a lifetime of memories because he didn't stay with Kristy's family and blah blah blah. Girls, we already heard Sam say all of this a couple of chapters back. Don't cut his grass now.
And that's the end of the first BSC book (I think) with no babysitting. Kinda shit, huh? And...do we not get to find out why Patrick didn't invite David Michael to his wedding? Isn't that kind-of an important detail to leave out? Is Patrick just an asshole? Can we add 'youngest son' to the list of things Patrick hates, along with snarky teens, normal-looking tuxes and Aussie Rules football? My theory, in case you're interested, is that David Michael isn't actually his son, that Elizabeth got knocked up by some other dude and that's the reason Patrick left the family. Think about it. It makes sense. I may have just solved my very own BSC mystery...