BSC Super Special #14, BSC in the USA, Prologue-Chapter 2
So, a couple of disclaimers:
1.)I haven't snarked in forever.
2.)This book has already been (awesomely) snarked. But I'm venturing on a cross-country trip myself in a couple of months, which put me in the mood to pull out this silly thing and read it again. So here you go! Some snarky impressions ... beginning with the sparkly, star-spangled cover (courtesy of dibbly-fresh.com):
Aww, it's the best friends you'll ever have, all posed in a happy group shot! I know you want to blow this up and hang it up on your wall. (Just like Mary Anne in Book 5. Though I guess her BSC picture doesn't exist anymore, after...)
Anyway, there's Ms. Sensitive herself, crouched in front next to Abby, looking rather beefy-shouldered, and smiling a sensitive smile. Hodges forgot to paint a little tear on her cheek. But that's okay; he also forgot to make Dawn's hair waist-length (or paint a little perm on Stacey).
Hodges does score some accuracy points for Abby's "wild mane" of dark curls. However, I'm not sure what's up with her "problem area" thighs...
Meanwhile, on the other side of Abby, there's our resident dork, waving (that's our Mal!). As for her outfit, well, it looks like both Mallory and Dawn found some nice T-shirts in the 3-for-$10 bin at their local One Personality Trait store.
And speaking of outfits -- how not at ALL wild is Claudia's?!
In the back row, we have Ms. Lowell's preferred sitters, Dawn and Stacey (both vaguely look like they're missing their left arm). Also, Kristy in her "K" baseball cap (where's the +?!).
And finally, let's not forget Jessi. She's the black one.
Prologue
So, we begin the story with ... a trip journal? Nope, it's a letter to Sunny. Written by both Dawn and Jeff. How sweet. I guess Jeff must have been peering over Dawn's shoulder while she was writing her letter, and -- mild-mannered, laid-back individual that our girl Dawn is -- she let him grab the paper from her and waited patiently while he inserted his dumb comments, and...?!?
I don't know. I never "got" those two-person letters/club notebook entries. I mean, really... who does that?
Anyway, the point of Dawn/Jeff's dual letter to Sunny is to tell her that they're coming back to Palo City (from their supposed full summer in Stoneybrook) a couple of weeks early. Wahoo! Here's the story: their daddy's "art dealer" friend, Mr. Choi, is too lazy busy to drive his RV back across the country (plan better, Mr. Choi) so he recruited Jack to do it. Jack, in turn, convinced his young 'uns to come along (despite Dawn's disgust with RV's, which are "absolutely horrible" for the environment. Shut up, Dawn.)
So Dawn tells Sunny all of this, then continues her boring letter with an announcement that she broke the news of the road trip to her BSC friends. For some reason, she thinks they'll be "freaked" by this news, but instead -- to make a long story short -- Watson the Real Live Millionaire (stepfather of Kristy) steals Jack's idea (imagine that!) and now the ENTIRE BSC gets to ride across America!! In two environment-destroying RV's!!! OMG, Sunny will hardly be able to contain herself reading this excitement!!!!!
Dawn closes her letter with a Lerangis-ian Yyyyyyyessss!, and (trying to be Stacey) spells Love, Dawn like Luv, Dawn.
(Whatever happened to Jeff? I guess he got bored and left.)
Chapter One -- Dawn
More Dawn handwriting. It's not her letter to Sunny anymore; it's her journal. I barely glanced at it, because I don't care -- it just looks like some stupid whiny blather about how she almost drank Richard's coffee instead of her herbal tea ("yecchhh!") which would have left her "barfing until September" if it had happend. Lovely.
It's also the morning of the trip, now, and for some REALLY weird reason, Jack is eating breakfast with the Spier's. Whose brilliant idea was that? Jack's all snarky about the "Western Omelette" that Richard made -- Sharon's all b*tchy -- and now that I mention ole scatterbrained Sharon, it was probably her idea to invite her ex over for breakfast with her new "hubby." Sharon = Claudia in 30 years.
After some Chapter 2-esque dullness about Dawn's bi-coastal life, Sharon dramatically runs off to the bathroom (?) and Richard follows her. Which leaves Jack, Dawn, Jeff, Mary Anne, and a slightly less awkward environment. At any rate, Jack lightens the mood a little by asking the kids what "special thing" they each want to do on their trip. Dawn wants to go to a ghost town (what, not New York City?!) and Jeff wants to go rock-climbing. Mary Anne can't decide. Jeff snarks, "Don't go to a fabric store", which makes Dawn throw a bagel at him (how not-at-all wasteful), which is great for Lerangis because he gets to write Whirrr -- splat! (you know it wouldn't be Lerangis without a few comic-book sound effects scattered here and there!). The "whirrr-splat!", by the way, is the sound of the bagel landing in some soapy water.
Then Richard and Sharon conveniently come back into the kitchen just at that moment. Somehow, the soapy bagel relaxes them, and all is right with the world again as Dawn thinks about her trip. (She wants to watch for ghosts through the plane window. Whatevs.)
Chapter Two -- Kristy
Now it's Kristy's turn, and we FINALLY get a trip journal! It's just Kristy being all dictator-y, though, and "divvy"-ing everyone up for the trip. (At one point, stupid Abby grabs the notebook away to write Elvis, here I come!!!! Kristy ignores her.)
According to Kristy's presidential scrawl ...
In RV One, we have the "Brewer Brigade": Watson Brewer, Elizabeth "Thomas" Brewer, Demon Child Karen Brewer, Andrew Brewer, David Michael Thomas, Abigail Stevenson, Jessica Ramsey, Mallory Pike, and Kristy Thomas. (I wonder, since Kristy's being so official with these names -- Abigail? Jessica? -- why didn't she list herself as Kristin Thomas?)
RV Two holds the "Schafer shift": Jack Schafer, Dawn Schafer, Jeff Schafer, Mary Anne Spier, Claudia Kishi, and Stacey McGill.
So that's about it for Kristy's fascinating journal entry.
Meanwhile, the families are all gathered around the RV's, frantically getting ready for their adventure. If you're wondering about Charlie and Sam, Kristy's brothers, they aren't coming -- they're "at camp" (Mohawk?) -- while, for no reason at all, Nannie has to stay home with Emily Michelle. (Poor Emily Michelle. If she wasn't so language-delayed, she'd probably call Nannie "ma-ma." Nannie might as well be her mother, for all the time "Edie" spends with her...)
But who cares about Nannie and Emily Michelle ... when we have Claudia and her million suitcases to worry about?! Because Claudia over-packing never happens in BSC land!
Surprise, surprise, Claudia's parents end up having to wheel her 26 down jackets and most of her other crap back into the house. While this is going on, Jessi's busy doing little ballet leaps around the RV (how annoying), Stacey's combing her perm, Mary Anne and Logan (git, Logan!) are acting all sappy, and the Brewer kids are acting like brats. Just another day in Stoneybrook. I feel a sense of deja vu ... didn't I just read this in Super Special #6?
So, amidst all this pandemonium and cacophony (aren't those phrases great? I read them in a book once), Kristy realizes that the RV's are "unbalanced." Uh-oh! Don't worry, if anyone can fix this, it's K. Ron Thomas Brewer. But before she can unleash her super-duper problem-solving skills, we're treated to a beautiful interior illustration (courtesy of Angelo Tiller)...
Unfortunately, I can't scan it, but let's just say that no one's wearing their outfit from the front cover (they're all just wearing boring shorts and stuff). They're not posed this time, either -- instead, Claudia's standing there by the RV, shrugging a cutesy shrug, next to some man (her dad?) who's shoving suitcases in the bottom of the RV. Her BFF Stacey's sitting a few feet away, looking half-crazed and shoving some of her own trendy wear into a suitcase. Then there's Dawn, whose hair is even shorter; she's clustered around the Brewer brats (Andrew looks a little like Opie Taylor, David Michael needs a haircut, and Karen just looks snotty ... and rather tall for a 7-year-old). And Kristy's off on her own, looking dictator-ish and writing in her journal, I guess. (The others tragically aren't in the illustration.)
Then, all of a sudden, we turn the page, and instead of Kristy telling us her magic solution to the great Unbalanced-RV dilemma, she's launched into a Chapter Two spiel. It's not even one of the more passable Chapter Twos; there are no outfits (however, evidently, Stacey thinks Kristy is "fashion blind" and makes sure to tell her this. What a witch!)
The only good part of the spiel:
"Mallory's white, with thick, floppy reddish-brown hair." For some reason, I read this and picture my mom's old apricot toy poodle, who had floppy, reddish-brown (whitish) fur. RIP, Stacey. (Yes, that was really her name.)
Anyhow, finally, we get back to Kristy and the problem of the Unbalanced RV's. K. Ron offers to switch to Jack's RV to even things out -- sort of -- now the teams are 8 to 7 instead of 9 to 6! Elizabeth doesn't like the thought of Kristy changing RV's; Watson stole this idea to make it a FAMILY trip, gosh dang it! Kristy doesn't care. K. Ron calls the shots -- we know it, Claudia knows it, Sharon knows it, Bart Taylor knows it, and even her own mother knows that if Kristy wants something done a certain way, Kristy gets it! If that means that Watson and Elizabeth have to cart around two little 11-year-old dorks and an obnoxious, asthmatic Elvis freak instead of their own daughter ... then that's the way it's gotta be!
So once that's taken care off, the RV's are finally on their way. Oh yeah, in case I forgot to mention, everyone gets their own special destination somewhere along their route (Kristy lists them in her journal, of course, but I didn't bother listing them here ... you'll read about them later in this snark).
****
I'll try to do more than three chapters next time, but alas, it's almost 5 am and I haven't yet gone to bed!
Up next: Is Mal... a racist?
1.)I haven't snarked in forever.
2.)This book has already been (awesomely) snarked. But I'm venturing on a cross-country trip myself in a couple of months, which put me in the mood to pull out this silly thing and read it again. So here you go! Some snarky impressions ... beginning with the sparkly, star-spangled cover (courtesy of dibbly-fresh.com):
Aww, it's the best friends you'll ever have, all posed in a happy group shot! I know you want to blow this up and hang it up on your wall. (Just like Mary Anne in Book 5. Though I guess her BSC picture doesn't exist anymore, after...)
Anyway, there's Ms. Sensitive herself, crouched in front next to Abby, looking rather beefy-shouldered, and smiling a sensitive smile. Hodges forgot to paint a little tear on her cheek. But that's okay; he also forgot to make Dawn's hair waist-length (or paint a little perm on Stacey).
Hodges does score some accuracy points for Abby's "wild mane" of dark curls. However, I'm not sure what's up with her "problem area" thighs...
Meanwhile, on the other side of Abby, there's our resident dork, waving (that's our Mal!). As for her outfit, well, it looks like both Mallory and Dawn found some nice T-shirts in the 3-for-$10 bin at their local One Personality Trait store.
And speaking of outfits -- how not at ALL wild is Claudia's?!
In the back row, we have Ms. Lowell's preferred sitters, Dawn and Stacey (both vaguely look like they're missing their left arm). Also, Kristy in her "K" baseball cap (where's the +?!).
And finally, let's not forget Jessi. She's the black one.
Prologue
So, we begin the story with ... a trip journal? Nope, it's a letter to Sunny. Written by both Dawn and Jeff. How sweet. I guess Jeff must have been peering over Dawn's shoulder while she was writing her letter, and -- mild-mannered, laid-back individual that our girl Dawn is -- she let him grab the paper from her and waited patiently while he inserted his dumb comments, and...?!?
I don't know. I never "got" those two-person letters/club notebook entries. I mean, really... who does that?
Anyway, the point of Dawn/Jeff's dual letter to Sunny is to tell her that they're coming back to Palo City (from their supposed full summer in Stoneybrook) a couple of weeks early. Wahoo! Here's the story: their daddy's "art dealer" friend, Mr. Choi, is too lazy busy to drive his RV back across the country (plan better, Mr. Choi) so he recruited Jack to do it. Jack, in turn, convinced his young 'uns to come along (despite Dawn's disgust with RV's, which are "absolutely horrible" for the environment. Shut up, Dawn.)
So Dawn tells Sunny all of this, then continues her boring letter with an announcement that she broke the news of the road trip to her BSC friends. For some reason, she thinks they'll be "freaked" by this news, but instead -- to make a long story short -- Watson the Real Live Millionaire (stepfather of Kristy) steals Jack's idea (imagine that!) and now the ENTIRE BSC gets to ride across America!! In two environment-destroying RV's!!! OMG, Sunny will hardly be able to contain herself reading this excitement!!!!!
Dawn closes her letter with a Lerangis-ian Yyyyyyyessss!, and (trying to be Stacey) spells Love, Dawn like Luv, Dawn.
(Whatever happened to Jeff? I guess he got bored and left.)
Chapter One -- Dawn
More Dawn handwriting. It's not her letter to Sunny anymore; it's her journal. I barely glanced at it, because I don't care -- it just looks like some stupid whiny blather about how she almost drank Richard's coffee instead of her herbal tea ("yecchhh!") which would have left her "barfing until September" if it had happend. Lovely.
It's also the morning of the trip, now, and for some REALLY weird reason, Jack is eating breakfast with the Spier's. Whose brilliant idea was that? Jack's all snarky about the "Western Omelette" that Richard made -- Sharon's all b*tchy -- and now that I mention ole scatterbrained Sharon, it was probably her idea to invite her ex over for breakfast with her new "hubby." Sharon = Claudia in 30 years.
After some Chapter 2-esque dullness about Dawn's bi-coastal life, Sharon dramatically runs off to the bathroom (?) and Richard follows her. Which leaves Jack, Dawn, Jeff, Mary Anne, and a slightly less awkward environment. At any rate, Jack lightens the mood a little by asking the kids what "special thing" they each want to do on their trip. Dawn wants to go to a ghost town (what, not New York City?!) and Jeff wants to go rock-climbing. Mary Anne can't decide. Jeff snarks, "Don't go to a fabric store", which makes Dawn throw a bagel at him (how not-at-all wasteful), which is great for Lerangis because he gets to write Whirrr -- splat! (you know it wouldn't be Lerangis without a few comic-book sound effects scattered here and there!). The "whirrr-splat!", by the way, is the sound of the bagel landing in some soapy water.
Then Richard and Sharon conveniently come back into the kitchen just at that moment. Somehow, the soapy bagel relaxes them, and all is right with the world again as Dawn thinks about her trip. (She wants to watch for ghosts through the plane window. Whatevs.)
Chapter Two -- Kristy
Now it's Kristy's turn, and we FINALLY get a trip journal! It's just Kristy being all dictator-y, though, and "divvy"-ing everyone up for the trip. (At one point, stupid Abby grabs the notebook away to write Elvis, here I come!!!! Kristy ignores her.)
According to Kristy's presidential scrawl ...
In RV One, we have the "Brewer Brigade": Watson Brewer, Elizabeth "Thomas" Brewer, Demon Child Karen Brewer, Andrew Brewer, David Michael Thomas, Abigail Stevenson, Jessica Ramsey, Mallory Pike, and Kristy Thomas. (I wonder, since Kristy's being so official with these names -- Abigail? Jessica? -- why didn't she list herself as Kristin Thomas?)
RV Two holds the "Schafer shift": Jack Schafer, Dawn Schafer, Jeff Schafer, Mary Anne Spier, Claudia Kishi, and Stacey McGill.
So that's about it for Kristy's fascinating journal entry.
Meanwhile, the families are all gathered around the RV's, frantically getting ready for their adventure. If you're wondering about Charlie and Sam, Kristy's brothers, they aren't coming -- they're "at camp" (Mohawk?) -- while, for no reason at all, Nannie has to stay home with Emily Michelle. (Poor Emily Michelle. If she wasn't so language-delayed, she'd probably call Nannie "ma-ma." Nannie might as well be her mother, for all the time "Edie" spends with her...)
But who cares about Nannie and Emily Michelle ... when we have Claudia and her million suitcases to worry about?! Because Claudia over-packing never happens in BSC land!
Surprise, surprise, Claudia's parents end up having to wheel her 26 down jackets and most of her other crap back into the house. While this is going on, Jessi's busy doing little ballet leaps around the RV (how annoying), Stacey's combing her perm, Mary Anne and Logan (git, Logan!) are acting all sappy, and the Brewer kids are acting like brats. Just another day in Stoneybrook. I feel a sense of deja vu ... didn't I just read this in Super Special #6?
So, amidst all this pandemonium and cacophony (aren't those phrases great? I read them in a book once), Kristy realizes that the RV's are "unbalanced." Uh-oh! Don't worry, if anyone can fix this, it's K. Ron Thomas Brewer. But before she can unleash her super-duper problem-solving skills, we're treated to a beautiful interior illustration (courtesy of Angelo Tiller)...
Unfortunately, I can't scan it, but let's just say that no one's wearing their outfit from the front cover (they're all just wearing boring shorts and stuff). They're not posed this time, either -- instead, Claudia's standing there by the RV, shrugging a cutesy shrug, next to some man (her dad?) who's shoving suitcases in the bottom of the RV. Her BFF Stacey's sitting a few feet away, looking half-crazed and shoving some of her own trendy wear into a suitcase. Then there's Dawn, whose hair is even shorter; she's clustered around the Brewer brats (Andrew looks a little like Opie Taylor, David Michael needs a haircut, and Karen just looks snotty ... and rather tall for a 7-year-old). And Kristy's off on her own, looking dictator-ish and writing in her journal, I guess. (The others tragically aren't in the illustration.)
Then, all of a sudden, we turn the page, and instead of Kristy telling us her magic solution to the great Unbalanced-RV dilemma, she's launched into a Chapter Two spiel. It's not even one of the more passable Chapter Twos; there are no outfits (however, evidently, Stacey thinks Kristy is "fashion blind" and makes sure to tell her this. What a witch!)
The only good part of the spiel:
"Mallory's white, with thick, floppy reddish-brown hair." For some reason, I read this and picture my mom's old apricot toy poodle, who had floppy, reddish-brown (whitish) fur. RIP, Stacey. (Yes, that was really her name.)
Anyhow, finally, we get back to Kristy and the problem of the Unbalanced RV's. K. Ron offers to switch to Jack's RV to even things out -- sort of -- now the teams are 8 to 7 instead of 9 to 6! Elizabeth doesn't like the thought of Kristy changing RV's; Watson stole this idea to make it a FAMILY trip, gosh dang it! Kristy doesn't care. K. Ron calls the shots -- we know it, Claudia knows it, Sharon knows it, Bart Taylor knows it, and even her own mother knows that if Kristy wants something done a certain way, Kristy gets it! If that means that Watson and Elizabeth have to cart around two little 11-year-old dorks and an obnoxious, asthmatic Elvis freak instead of their own daughter ... then that's the way it's gotta be!
So once that's taken care off, the RV's are finally on their way. Oh yeah, in case I forgot to mention, everyone gets their own special destination somewhere along their route (Kristy lists them in her journal, of course, but I didn't bother listing them here ... you'll read about them later in this snark).
****
I'll try to do more than three chapters next time, but alas, it's almost 5 am and I haven't yet gone to bed!
Up next: Is Mal... a racist?