More rambling about SPN.
Just a few additional thoughts I've been mulling over.
First of all, Sam's whole "we don't want to go back to school" thing, which just tore my heart into tiny little shreds. While Dean may have been right about Sam's guilt as a motivation, I don't think that's all there is to it. Sam is not the same person now that he was in the Pilot, or even in Salvation. When it came down to it, he chose Dean in Devil's Trap, he chose his family, before everything else. That's a big deal. I definitely don't think we've seen the end of this conflict between Dean and Sam, between hunting and "normal," and I suspect (I hope) that what they'll eventually find will be somewhere in the middle, but I do think Sam's priorities are changing, and not just because of his guilt over John.
But this episode is so much about Dean. I keep thinking about him in Salvation, saying, "Sometimes I feel like I'm barely holdin' it together, man… without you and Dad…" And man, he was not kidding. In losing John, he's lost his foundation, the only person in the world he would trust with any of his responsibilities (I keep thinking of his phone call in Home, too, and sniffling). And, of course, I'm pretty sure John dumped one more huge responsibility on him right at the end. So Dean is devastated and freaked out and incredibly angry, I think, and he doesn't know how to deal with any of it. I'm not sure he's ever lost anything that meant so much to him-I'd guess the closest was Sam leaving for Stanford, and at least he was still alive-and this is something he can't keep bottled in, as we saw with that final scene with the Impala. But he's trying, because he's Dean and Dean does not outwardly freak out about anything, and the result is that he has nothing left for Sam, for the way he usually protects his little brother (emotionally, not just physically). He's actually kind of cruel to Sam in this episode-by Dean's usual standards, especially-in the way he confronts him about Sam's guilt over John's death. He's not wrong, but he's pretty damn harsh about it, considering that he usually does everything he can to make Sam feel better, up to and including lying, making lame jokes about Vegas, etc.. I'm not vilifying Dean for that at all; I think it's very believable and understandable and probably ultimately healthy, that he actually has some limits to his ability to put his family before himself. But I think that, just like Dean has lost his foundation in John, Sam's going to lose his foundation in Dean, too-this isn't the Dean he knows, the Dean who can (outwardly, at least) deal with anything, who can say "nothing bad is gonna happen to you while I'm around" and be believed. And, of course, though I really do think that Dean is ultimately the one who raised Sam, John was still his father, and an enormous figure in Sam's life, and so Sam is dealing with that loss, too, and it just adds up to a hell of a hard time for our boys.
I'm hoping, though, that this heralds good things for the dynamic between Sam and Dean. As much as I'm distraught over John's death (though he is SO coming back, I will lay $20 on that right now-he's on his own heroic journey and that's not over yet, either), the destruction of their family unit might actually allow them to rebuild it in a new way, which I think would be healthy for both of them. Sam's taken some steps, by choosing his family over his desire for revenge, by doing his best to help Dean heal, and I'm hoping this will be a chance for Dean to take some steps, too, in terms of letting go of his insistence on burying everything he feels and being strong for everyone else, and realizing that Sam can be his partner now that they're both adults, can bear just as much responsibility for Dean as Dean does for Sam. Dean doesn't know how to let other people help him; Sam's not fantastic at it, either, but he's had Dean to take care of him, so he's had a little more practice. (These boys kill me, honestly; they're always prodding each other to take chances and deal with things and accept help and try to find happiness, but they absolutely suck at taking their own advice.) So as much as last season was about Sam finding himself and where he fits in the world in the wake of a huge loss (and he's not done yet, by a long shot), I think this season is going to be equally concerned with that same kind of journey for Dean. I love that symmetry, and how there really isn't an ultimate main character in this series-it's about both of them, individually and together, and I really appreciate that.
Sam and Dean are both broken now, in a way they haven't been before, and I think they're going to need each other to help rebuild. (That's actually kind of where I thought they were going at the end of the episode last night, Dean letting Sam help him with the Impala, but of course there was something much angstier [and probably more emotionally realistic] in store.) And I'm really looking forward to watching that happen.
Have I mentioned I love this show? I really, really do.
First of all, Sam's whole "we don't want to go back to school" thing, which just tore my heart into tiny little shreds. While Dean may have been right about Sam's guilt as a motivation, I don't think that's all there is to it. Sam is not the same person now that he was in the Pilot, or even in Salvation. When it came down to it, he chose Dean in Devil's Trap, he chose his family, before everything else. That's a big deal. I definitely don't think we've seen the end of this conflict between Dean and Sam, between hunting and "normal," and I suspect (I hope) that what they'll eventually find will be somewhere in the middle, but I do think Sam's priorities are changing, and not just because of his guilt over John.
But this episode is so much about Dean. I keep thinking about him in Salvation, saying, "Sometimes I feel like I'm barely holdin' it together, man… without you and Dad…" And man, he was not kidding. In losing John, he's lost his foundation, the only person in the world he would trust with any of his responsibilities (I keep thinking of his phone call in Home, too, and sniffling). And, of course, I'm pretty sure John dumped one more huge responsibility on him right at the end. So Dean is devastated and freaked out and incredibly angry, I think, and he doesn't know how to deal with any of it. I'm not sure he's ever lost anything that meant so much to him-I'd guess the closest was Sam leaving for Stanford, and at least he was still alive-and this is something he can't keep bottled in, as we saw with that final scene with the Impala. But he's trying, because he's Dean and Dean does not outwardly freak out about anything, and the result is that he has nothing left for Sam, for the way he usually protects his little brother (emotionally, not just physically). He's actually kind of cruel to Sam in this episode-by Dean's usual standards, especially-in the way he confronts him about Sam's guilt over John's death. He's not wrong, but he's pretty damn harsh about it, considering that he usually does everything he can to make Sam feel better, up to and including lying, making lame jokes about Vegas, etc.. I'm not vilifying Dean for that at all; I think it's very believable and understandable and probably ultimately healthy, that he actually has some limits to his ability to put his family before himself. But I think that, just like Dean has lost his foundation in John, Sam's going to lose his foundation in Dean, too-this isn't the Dean he knows, the Dean who can (outwardly, at least) deal with anything, who can say "nothing bad is gonna happen to you while I'm around" and be believed. And, of course, though I really do think that Dean is ultimately the one who raised Sam, John was still his father, and an enormous figure in Sam's life, and so Sam is dealing with that loss, too, and it just adds up to a hell of a hard time for our boys.
I'm hoping, though, that this heralds good things for the dynamic between Sam and Dean. As much as I'm distraught over John's death (though he is SO coming back, I will lay $20 on that right now-he's on his own heroic journey and that's not over yet, either), the destruction of their family unit might actually allow them to rebuild it in a new way, which I think would be healthy for both of them. Sam's taken some steps, by choosing his family over his desire for revenge, by doing his best to help Dean heal, and I'm hoping this will be a chance for Dean to take some steps, too, in terms of letting go of his insistence on burying everything he feels and being strong for everyone else, and realizing that Sam can be his partner now that they're both adults, can bear just as much responsibility for Dean as Dean does for Sam. Dean doesn't know how to let other people help him; Sam's not fantastic at it, either, but he's had Dean to take care of him, so he's had a little more practice. (These boys kill me, honestly; they're always prodding each other to take chances and deal with things and accept help and try to find happiness, but they absolutely suck at taking their own advice.) So as much as last season was about Sam finding himself and where he fits in the world in the wake of a huge loss (and he's not done yet, by a long shot), I think this season is going to be equally concerned with that same kind of journey for Dean. I love that symmetry, and how there really isn't an ultimate main character in this series-it's about both of them, individually and together, and I really appreciate that.
Sam and Dean are both broken now, in a way they haven't been before, and I think they're going to need each other to help rebuild. (That's actually kind of where I thought they were going at the end of the episode last night, Dean letting Sam help him with the Impala, but of course there was something much angstier [and probably more emotionally realistic] in store.) And I'm really looking forward to watching that happen.
Have I mentioned I love this show? I really, really do.