continuing stressors - william
life is continueing as stressful. fate seems to be in a very sadistic mood latley. for one, i've been kicked out of my hole. yup, i'm officially moved upstairs. it has been quite the ordeal and has left me with an upsetting unsettledness inside myself. one of those odd submental things that even when you know where it's coming from, you still can't shake the underlying effects on your psyche.
also, the guy i went through chemo with, william, the manwithkiwi, died thursday night.
i want to write wonderful things to try to give a glimpse of what an amazing person he was, or ...but as i've been sitting here i can't seem to keep from just staring at those words, written, and made visibly real. 'was' i'm also getting hung up on. if ever i could believe in the idea that god calls certain people back early, that we were never meant to have him for more than a short time... the world is truely lesser with his passing. yes, this coming from the girl who admittedly does not like people in general, and sees the majority as expendable.
he was one of the few.
the few that give me the inkling of hope in our current time. the hope that we as a whole will not be entirely expendable, that we will have contributed something.
i guess i should be happy that i knew him at all. i'm still working on that. mostly i'm just upset and angry with myself. all the time i wasted, all the things i will not get to do. i wanted so badly to... there were so many things i had intended. it only make it all the worse, the process of survival guilt.
also, the guy i went through chemo with, william, the manwithkiwi, died thursday night.
i want to write wonderful things to try to give a glimpse of what an amazing person he was, or ...but as i've been sitting here i can't seem to keep from just staring at those words, written, and made visibly real. 'was' i'm also getting hung up on. if ever i could believe in the idea that god calls certain people back early, that we were never meant to have him for more than a short time... the world is truely lesser with his passing. yes, this coming from the girl who admittedly does not like people in general, and sees the majority as expendable.
he was one of the few.
the few that give me the inkling of hope in our current time. the hope that we as a whole will not be entirely expendable, that we will have contributed something.
i guess i should be happy that i knew him at all. i'm still working on that. mostly i'm just upset and angry with myself. all the time i wasted, all the things i will not get to do. i wanted so badly to... there were so many things i had intended. it only make it all the worse, the process of survival guilt.