Organising of Thoughts.
Okay. So. Two weeks have gone by since Amber has gone to school. I've been having a very hard time adjusting to her being gone. It's been improving a bit as time goes on... AT first I was completely down and depressed all the time, then it was a bit better as I found my mood improving slightly, but still going down into my episodes of depression and paranoia. Lately I've been mostly up, but, like tonight, I've kinda gone back down to melancholy. Tomorrow, I'm sure I'll be happy again. I'm already at the stage where I am feeling incredibly bad for saying certain things and acting the way I did. It was stupid and it was selfish. And Amber doesn't need me adding to her stress level like that because i KNOW she is trying her best, and i KNOW that I am getting a lot more time from her than many other long distance boyfriends get at this point. And for that, I am grateful. Very grateful.
Truth is, there are a lot of things contributing to all of this. Before Amber left, we were talking just about every night, if not every night, for hours on end, and they were very fulfilling conversations, about our future, our plans... and most of the time just random things, as we laughed and joked and were free together. Of course, with a college schedule in a new school, one is expected to not even be able to pull out a fraction of that conversation. As my father said, the hardest part of a college career is that first semester. A completely different lifestyle with a lot of work and a lot of opportunity. And also a lot of fun.
The problem is I'm not experiencing any of it. My routine hasn't really changed... I mean, I've picked up a couple of classes, but I'm still working at a job that, more often than not, angers me and makes me upset to the core. When it was just starting to get bad there I was able to just shake it off, but now... well, It's hard to keep shaking it off. I'm dealing with so much crap there now... I've lost basically all the pride and joy I once had there. I really don't know the change Amber is going through right now. I did summer link, sure, but that's nothing like being at school full time. I have no idea about what half of this feels like, and I guess that's what's making this hard for me. Honestly, I've been out of full-time school for well over a year now. That's a lot of time for the knowledge of it to get lost...
I'm lonely. Without her here, I am lonely. It's as simple as that. I guess I'm a bit afraid too... I'm afraid that because I love her so much, she, as with others I have cared about, is going to one day part from me. And I think that part of it is, since I'm losing the ability to actually be with her, I have to be there all the time in whatever way I can, as much as I can, be it internet or phone. Which is incredibly stupid, because Amber and I made a promise to each other... That no matter what, we would pull through this. And well, I know Amber, and she will never break the promise she made me. Any of the promises she made me, I know are safe. As are the promises I've made her. None of those are ever going to be broken. Believe me, I am over those people... but what people do to you often has some kind of effect. Being abandoned like that by people I thought cared about me... hurt. I know Amber won't ever abandon me or leave me behind in the dust. I just need time to defeat that paranoia, and the only way to do that is to prove it wrong. And Amber alone holds that ability for me... I'm sure that after the first time or so I see her, that paranoia will be no more. It's bound to fizzle out a fair amount before then anyways.
All I know is that I am trying. Amber is completely right... instead of focusing on the fact that she's gone, I ought to be focusing on the times when she surprises me with a phone call or is able to come online and chat for a bit. I guess I'm just on the other side of the spectrum now than when I was in school over the summer. Before, I was the one doing the classes and the work, and she was the one sitting at home awaiting my return. I just haven't learned how to really deal with that yet. I mean, throughout our relationship I've become so dependent on her emotionally, that it put her on a level completely different than anyone else. And to be honest, it's a connection that I absloutely love. Knowing that we were the only thing that was important. I just absolutely got used to being depended on, to meaning so much to her. And I know I still do, yet... I act like a complete idiot at times over this stuff.
I just need to learn the ropes of college, as well as distance. I need to remember that this is college, and changes are inevitable. I need to remember that Amber is not everyone else - she won't do to me what any of the others did. Amber is as true to me as I am to her, and the relationship we have developed and grown and built together is a direct result of that. It is true. It is real. And I need to keep that in mind or else I'm going to lose that. And losing that... would utterly destroy me. I can't lose this, and I can't lose her. That's all that's important.
There's probably a lot more that I meant to write in here that I missed. But, saying this was therapudic enough for me. One thing with me is... I need to be able to talk everything through completely in order to see something clearly. And, well, this is probably one of the best ways to do that right now.
Amber, when you read this... Just know that I love you very much. And know that I am truly trying, and that we will perservere. I just need you to know that. I am going to take everything you told me over the phone tonight, dwell on it, and think about how I can achieve it, because the first step in getting help from people is helping myself first. I want to learn as much as I can so that I don't drive you crazy over the next four years.
I love you very much.
Truth is, there are a lot of things contributing to all of this. Before Amber left, we were talking just about every night, if not every night, for hours on end, and they were very fulfilling conversations, about our future, our plans... and most of the time just random things, as we laughed and joked and were free together. Of course, with a college schedule in a new school, one is expected to not even be able to pull out a fraction of that conversation. As my father said, the hardest part of a college career is that first semester. A completely different lifestyle with a lot of work and a lot of opportunity. And also a lot of fun.
The problem is I'm not experiencing any of it. My routine hasn't really changed... I mean, I've picked up a couple of classes, but I'm still working at a job that, more often than not, angers me and makes me upset to the core. When it was just starting to get bad there I was able to just shake it off, but now... well, It's hard to keep shaking it off. I'm dealing with so much crap there now... I've lost basically all the pride and joy I once had there. I really don't know the change Amber is going through right now. I did summer link, sure, but that's nothing like being at school full time. I have no idea about what half of this feels like, and I guess that's what's making this hard for me. Honestly, I've been out of full-time school for well over a year now. That's a lot of time for the knowledge of it to get lost...
I'm lonely. Without her here, I am lonely. It's as simple as that. I guess I'm a bit afraid too... I'm afraid that because I love her so much, she, as with others I have cared about, is going to one day part from me. And I think that part of it is, since I'm losing the ability to actually be with her, I have to be there all the time in whatever way I can, as much as I can, be it internet or phone. Which is incredibly stupid, because Amber and I made a promise to each other... That no matter what, we would pull through this. And well, I know Amber, and she will never break the promise she made me. Any of the promises she made me, I know are safe. As are the promises I've made her. None of those are ever going to be broken. Believe me, I am over those people... but what people do to you often has some kind of effect. Being abandoned like that by people I thought cared about me... hurt. I know Amber won't ever abandon me or leave me behind in the dust. I just need time to defeat that paranoia, and the only way to do that is to prove it wrong. And Amber alone holds that ability for me... I'm sure that after the first time or so I see her, that paranoia will be no more. It's bound to fizzle out a fair amount before then anyways.
All I know is that I am trying. Amber is completely right... instead of focusing on the fact that she's gone, I ought to be focusing on the times when she surprises me with a phone call or is able to come online and chat for a bit. I guess I'm just on the other side of the spectrum now than when I was in school over the summer. Before, I was the one doing the classes and the work, and she was the one sitting at home awaiting my return. I just haven't learned how to really deal with that yet. I mean, throughout our relationship I've become so dependent on her emotionally, that it put her on a level completely different than anyone else. And to be honest, it's a connection that I absloutely love. Knowing that we were the only thing that was important. I just absolutely got used to being depended on, to meaning so much to her. And I know I still do, yet... I act like a complete idiot at times over this stuff.
I just need to learn the ropes of college, as well as distance. I need to remember that this is college, and changes are inevitable. I need to remember that Amber is not everyone else - she won't do to me what any of the others did. Amber is as true to me as I am to her, and the relationship we have developed and grown and built together is a direct result of that. It is true. It is real. And I need to keep that in mind or else I'm going to lose that. And losing that... would utterly destroy me. I can't lose this, and I can't lose her. That's all that's important.
There's probably a lot more that I meant to write in here that I missed. But, saying this was therapudic enough for me. One thing with me is... I need to be able to talk everything through completely in order to see something clearly. And, well, this is probably one of the best ways to do that right now.
Amber, when you read this... Just know that I love you very much. And know that I am truly trying, and that we will perservere. I just need you to know that. I am going to take everything you told me over the phone tonight, dwell on it, and think about how I can achieve it, because the first step in getting help from people is helping myself first. I want to learn as much as I can so that I don't drive you crazy over the next four years.
I love you very much.