Time to face the change...
I swear to God, the last two days were the hardest of my life...
Thursday was actually very nice, because Amber and I, I think, tightened our bond even closer. I know she's the one for me, and we just spent the evening in my hotel room holding each other, cuddling each other, and being the sappy romantics that we are. It was just her and I, exactly the way I like it most, for the evening. And I loved every minute of it.
Friday was a different story altogether. I dreaded Friday. WIth an absolute passion. I'm not a strong person when it comes to goodbyes, or extended periods of absence... and especially not leaving people behind. It started off fine. But as it got closer and closer to the time when I had to depart... It hit me harder and harder. I didn't want to leave, and in all honesty, I wish I was back there... but I also know that I can't be smothering, either, but I haven't figured out nearly where that line is. I need to be useful... and I felt useful this evening, but the rest of the time... well, she's happy with the people she has up there right now. And I'm not a part of it. Except from afar, and God I wish I was... I'm trying to stay in her life where I can. I want to be of as much use as I possibly can be. Or else I'll just feel useless down here. I need to be involved... but how involved is too involved? Where is that line drawn?
*sighs* I don't know. From the moment she held me outside of my car, to when she ran away from my arms because neither of us was strong enough to let go, to the intense ride home... I missed her. God, I miss her more than anything.
I think a part of it is she has all new living arrangements... basically a new life. And I'm still here in the same old routine. Constantly reminded that I can't cling like I used to be able to; like I long to. Nothing here is changing really... I still work a job I no longer like. I'm only going to be in school part-time... I don't have that many distractions. I keep wishing I could just stop and fast forward the next six weeks.
And I'm STILL jealous of Dan! Mainly because she's become good friends with him, and I don't know who he is. And... well, I've been hurt that way in the past, and let's just say it affected me. It shouldn't have affected me like this, but it did. And I know Amber won't do anything, nor do I think that Dan will ever make a move on her... but nontheless... I think I just need to know who he is... I'm only really jealous of him, and I KNOW there is no reason to be. But... well... I don't know... I have no reason to be. Amber has told me this time and time again. But I won't be at ease until I meet him, and talk to him myself. Because right now, sheerly because I don't know him, I do not trust him. That much I know.
*sighs* I know. This is the adjustment period. Things will settle down and we'll figure out a regular communication system... but damn... I just want to be with her. She's the closest friend I have now. I hope this is a short six weeks, I really do. I love her with everything I have. And I think once we get accustomed to this I'll be alright... but I absolutely HATE not being there to go through this by her side.
I'm tired. I'm still worn out from yesterday and I think that's why I'm down right now. I was upbeat, but when I sat down to watch a movie at about 10:00, the exhaustion hit. My eyelids are heavy even now.
I don't want the wrong conclusion drawn from this LiveJournal Entry. All in all, I am content. Because I know after our conversations and our time together on Thursday that Amber and I are just as solid as ever, if not even moreso. And tonight's conversation helped too... She reached out to me when she needed help, and I helped her the best I could. And even though I didn't do much, it made me feel of use. I just need a place. That's all. I need a place where I know I am needed for even just small everyday situations. I like helping in every single way. Just like she knows I need her for the same things.
I know my place is in her heart, and I know I have a very big place there, which makes this entire entry sound redundant in and of itself. This is just my process of transition. I don't handle change very well, so... forgive me, as I am doing my best.
Thursday was actually very nice, because Amber and I, I think, tightened our bond even closer. I know she's the one for me, and we just spent the evening in my hotel room holding each other, cuddling each other, and being the sappy romantics that we are. It was just her and I, exactly the way I like it most, for the evening. And I loved every minute of it.
Friday was a different story altogether. I dreaded Friday. WIth an absolute passion. I'm not a strong person when it comes to goodbyes, or extended periods of absence... and especially not leaving people behind. It started off fine. But as it got closer and closer to the time when I had to depart... It hit me harder and harder. I didn't want to leave, and in all honesty, I wish I was back there... but I also know that I can't be smothering, either, but I haven't figured out nearly where that line is. I need to be useful... and I felt useful this evening, but the rest of the time... well, she's happy with the people she has up there right now. And I'm not a part of it. Except from afar, and God I wish I was... I'm trying to stay in her life where I can. I want to be of as much use as I possibly can be. Or else I'll just feel useless down here. I need to be involved... but how involved is too involved? Where is that line drawn?
*sighs* I don't know. From the moment she held me outside of my car, to when she ran away from my arms because neither of us was strong enough to let go, to the intense ride home... I missed her. God, I miss her more than anything.
I think a part of it is she has all new living arrangements... basically a new life. And I'm still here in the same old routine. Constantly reminded that I can't cling like I used to be able to; like I long to. Nothing here is changing really... I still work a job I no longer like. I'm only going to be in school part-time... I don't have that many distractions. I keep wishing I could just stop and fast forward the next six weeks.
And I'm STILL jealous of Dan! Mainly because she's become good friends with him, and I don't know who he is. And... well, I've been hurt that way in the past, and let's just say it affected me. It shouldn't have affected me like this, but it did. And I know Amber won't do anything, nor do I think that Dan will ever make a move on her... but nontheless... I think I just need to know who he is... I'm only really jealous of him, and I KNOW there is no reason to be. But... well... I don't know... I have no reason to be. Amber has told me this time and time again. But I won't be at ease until I meet him, and talk to him myself. Because right now, sheerly because I don't know him, I do not trust him. That much I know.
*sighs* I know. This is the adjustment period. Things will settle down and we'll figure out a regular communication system... but damn... I just want to be with her. She's the closest friend I have now. I hope this is a short six weeks, I really do. I love her with everything I have. And I think once we get accustomed to this I'll be alright... but I absolutely HATE not being there to go through this by her side.
I'm tired. I'm still worn out from yesterday and I think that's why I'm down right now. I was upbeat, but when I sat down to watch a movie at about 10:00, the exhaustion hit. My eyelids are heavy even now.
I don't want the wrong conclusion drawn from this LiveJournal Entry. All in all, I am content. Because I know after our conversations and our time together on Thursday that Amber and I are just as solid as ever, if not even moreso. And tonight's conversation helped too... She reached out to me when she needed help, and I helped her the best I could. And even though I didn't do much, it made me feel of use. I just need a place. That's all. I need a place where I know I am needed for even just small everyday situations. I like helping in every single way. Just like she knows I need her for the same things.
I know my place is in her heart, and I know I have a very big place there, which makes this entire entry sound redundant in and of itself. This is just my process of transition. I don't handle change very well, so... forgive me, as I am doing my best.