"...and there's a green like the peace in your heart sometimes..."
i've been home a week now, and still haven't readjusted. work has been one long headache, not made any easier by the fact that i've been sick and people have been trying. probably i still don't sleep enough, but at least i'm mostly waking up in the mornings.
my time in seattle felt short even while i was there, and now feels almost momentary. but. it got under my skin. i'm itchy here this week.. and how cold and bleak things have just settled in to was a stark contrast on the way home from the airport at six in the morning. it is still.
i've always been told i'd like seattle, portland and the whole pacific northwest. in college some of my best friends were from that area and liked to tell me how well it would suit me. how if i ever spent time there i wouldn't come back. there's certainly some magic to that phrase, and how it's bounced around in my head for a decade or so. portland had always been on my list of cities to consider escaping to in a more permanent way (despite never having been there)--considered above other cities because evan, dave, others i cared about, were there then and could show me the ropes of the music scene. i always thought i'd make it to portland long before seattle. but things happen the way they do. and now i suspect (at least a little) that a few people talked up the generalizations and cliches associated with seattle for their own reasons, and with it being a bigger city that more people made predictable moves to, I was happy enough to ignore it. but really, it's easy to take someone's word for things if you have a reason to.
since i moved home from baltimore nearly six years ago (which, unbelievably, it will have been in about three weeks), i've rooted myself as best i could. well, initially i tried to leave again. and pretty immediately, too. started looking at schools again, all of them in oregon and washington. needless to say that didn't happen. various things squashed the idea (and then the desire) flat. i went back to a job i loved, tried to take care of my family, eventually went back to school, found the most permanent job i've ever had.
in those six years i've hardly left here. that first summer back i went to jen & bear's wedding in california for a weekend; three years ago singers hauled us to l.a. for three days. in the middle of that time, i drove to chicago for new year's three years in a row and a handful of other times while eric was there--usually back within a weekend or less. but really, that's it. it's no wonder i'm itchy now that i've gotten out again for more than a minute. chicago never counted in that way--though i understand the fierce love so many have for it, it never spoke to me (save when riding on the el alone). or if it did, it spoke some unknown language. charming but unfathomable.
l.a. was surprisingly like being able to breathe, if only for a moment, just for the change of place and ways. seattle on the other hand, felt like living. the worst thing i can say is that it's the kind of place to make me think. the weather helps that, rain of any sort has always either made me happy, or if not then cleared my head.
i was gone nine days, and when people ask what i did while there, they seem a bit puzzled at my reply. i can phrase it in terms that fit what they're looking to hear, but it doesn't sit that way in my head...
i walked a lot. i explored. i took an enormous number of photos. i tried to name the plants i didn't know, and what each breath of air smelled like. i saw people i care about. i sang bad karaoke and ate really good food. i thought and i felt and i wrote. i sent myself a voicemail when the ocean and the light and beauty got overwhelming. i didn't want to leave.
i'm itchy. and there are a lot of reasons that here has been failing to please me this week... i'm sick, work has been hard, i've had a seldom seen bout of moodiness with my cycle. there's more i'm sure, but even those are enough to make me a little crazy. still. i'm itchy. right under my skin. there's a knowledge now of moss, of color, of light reflected like you were in a bowl, a reminder of what mountains are--and are to me, seeing something with fresh eyes and few expectations. conversations with friends and strangers about so many things. i told bohemianish i wanted to see what people loved about her city. i found out. it found me out. add another to my list.